S/o of Marrying young/compatibility

[Murphy101]

I am not suggesting anyone divorce their husband if too many things don't match up. This is for UNmarried people. Why pair up with someone that will require 'working things out with unpleasantness and tears' when you could find someone with whom less 'working things out' is required.

I didn't copy the entire article----there is much more to it than the above. It isn't meant to be a be all end all list...I do realize humans and relationships are much more complex than one short list of qualities. However it is a good jumping off point to discussions and better than just marrying the first person you find attractive.

 

 

I didn't think you were suggesting divorcing.

 

Surely you don't really think that just bc someone marries young, they married the first person they found attractive either? I don't know anyone who married young that would say that. (tho I'm sure some exist)

 

All relationships are going to require working things out with unpleasantness and tears at some point. No exceptions that I'm aware of. It's just part of the relationship package. Maybe it will be the growing pains of early marriage, or the empty nest, or financial bottoming or emotional heartache from various reasons. But it will happen. That's not a sign of incompatibility. That's just life with humans.

 

I do agree tho that the major issue is needing to talk and discuss things honestly. I have always, sometimes to a negative point, been blunt and straightforward with my husband and pushed him to be likewise with me. Too many couples act scared to argue though. Sometimes because by their nature they are people pleasers and arguments stress them out more than the cause for the argument, so things just don't get resolved in the name of keeping the peace. (tho I can't help but point out to those people they are never at peace in that situation)

 

I don't care what the jumping point it as long as they are talking.

 

 

Yep. Know exactly what you mean. Which is why many young marriages fail.....I am not categorically against young marriages but young people need someone with sense in their life who will give them strong feedback and council.

 

 

I disagree. Young marriages fail for all the same reasons as middle life marriages fail or retirement marriages fail. Pick a category. It can be an issue in any marriage where the couple either doesn't talk about it or isn't committed to getting through it together.

 

Do people really change radically though? I think that's not typical unless someone has a brain injury. Sometimes I'm more outgoing than other times, but that's not a change in me. It's just how I've always been.

 

 

Sometimes it isn't about changing radically.

Sometimes it really is just about commitment and caring. I'd say dh and I are both very different than when we married. Not because either of us changed radically. But because it was necessary to our common goal of making this marriage work. I wouldn't say I changed him or the reverse bc I don't believe in that either. Mostly we just do what needs doing bc it needs doing. Doesn't really matter if we like it or it comes naturally or whatever.

[MidwesternMom]

I can't get past that part about how you're only allowed to do things both partners can enthusiastically support.... I've been with DH for 20+ years and we each do plenty of things the other person is entirely neutral about, and a few things the other person wishes flat out we would not do....I think learning how to compromise and allowing your partner to be who they really are is just as important to 'compatibility' as shared culture, values, etc.

[Rosie_0801]

Do people really change radically though? I think that's not typical unless someone has a brain injury.

 

 

Brain chemistry can change and over the course of a decade that can shift you from happy to intolerable.

 

I think Scarlett was right when she said most people could use higher levels of intrapersonal intelligence. When one thinks of a dishonest person, the automatic thought tends to be that it is deliberate. At my place, it wasn't.

[butterflymommy]

1.Intelligence-Errrr...we are not a match here. We complement each other, but we are not a match. My IQ is way more than 15 points higher than dh, but he has attributes that serve him better than my intelligence has ever served me. Wisdom, follow through, a solid private school education with amazing grammar and writing skills. So what if I was advanced 4 grades in year? Graduated highschool with 2 years of college under my belt at 15? He has the total package and doesn't get lost in his head the way I can. OTOH, he has a leg up in many areas, because of how much I steer and help him to see things that he normally would not realize.

 

Have you both had your IQ tested? People tend to marry within the same IQ range-- in fact people tend to socialize, in general, with people of similar IQ. It may be you are more educated than him and possibly a somewhat higher IQ but a standard deviation is a huge difference between partners.

 

If he hasn't had his IQ tested, wordsum ability is a very close approximate to IQ... maybe you both could do some puzzles!

[justamouse]

This seems really common-sense to me, but you are right - we don't really talk about this stuff. This sounds like the stuff everyone's Mom or Grandma used to say. I know I've said this stuff too, already to my kids, more or less.

 

It just is really hard starting from a point of vast differences, and "love" won't really cover it. It's possible, but hard.

 

 

 

Like I said before, if I had read that previously, I wouldn't have married my Dh, and we are happily married, even renewed our vows last year at 17 years.

 

Look, marriage is, and always will be, a dangerous thing to do. You can fully chose the right person and it will fly apart in a million different ways.

 

You have to commit to the commitment. Yo have to constantly chose the union over selfishness. And even then, you have no control over your partner.

 

You can only teach them to love self sacrificially, be people of honor and faith, and hope that the person they pick is of the same.

[Scarlett]

I can't get past that part about how you're only allowed to do things both partners can enthusiastically support.... I've been with DH for 20+ years and we each do plenty of things the other person is entirely neutral about, and a few things the other person wishes flat out we would not do....I think learning how to compromise and allowing your partner to be who they really are is just as important to 'compatibility' as shared culture, values, etc.

 

 

Yeah, that part always grated on my nerves too. I like Marriage Builders material overall, but it is kind of hard nosed on some stuff. And the forums over there are crazy now. I feel bad that I've sent people to that site over the years...they are a bunch of whack a doodles now.

 

Still though this article on compatibility seems outstanding to me. It surprises me when others think it is bunk especially someone like Martha with whom I generally agree on almost everything!

[Galatea]

I think the list is a great starting point for considerations before dating and marriage. Those are all things that are important to consider when choosing a spouse. Obviously, sometimes people without those things can work out as a couple, but being aware of them is very important. But then, I think self-awareness on the part of both partners, combined with a willingness and ability to communicate can build a generally strong marriage.

[Juniper]

Have you both had your IQ tested? People tend to marry within the same IQ range-- in fact people tend to socialize, in general, with people of similar IQ. It may be you are more educated than him and possibly a somewhat higher IQ but a standard deviation is a huge difference between partners.

 

If he hasn't had his IQ tested, wordsum ability is a very close approximate to IQ... maybe you both could do some puzzles!

 

 

 

You might be onto something. I have had mine tested he hasn't. It would be fun to see. ;)

[Scarlett]

 

 

Like I said before, if I had read that previously, I wouldn't have married my Dh, and we are happily married, even renewed our vows last year at 17 years.

 

Look, marriage is, and always will be, a dangerous thing to do. You can fully chose the right person and it will fly apart in a million different ways.

 

You have to commit to the commitment. Yo have to constantly chose the union over selfishness. And even then, you have no control over your partner.

 

You can only teach them to love self sacrificially, be people of honor and faith, and hope that the person they pick is of the same.

 

 

The thing is though....some people stay together because they are committed, decent, selfless people even though they are not generally that happy with their mate. I greatly admire those people....but if I can help my son choose a mate who is well suited to him I will do so.

[Scarlett]

 

 

You might be onto something. I have had mine tested he hasn't. It would be fun to see. ;)

 

I am curious how you are so sure yours is so much higher if he hasn't been tested?

[justamouse]

The thing is though....some people stay together because they are committed, decent, selfless people even though they are not generally that happy with their mate. I greatly admire those people....but if I can help my son choose a mate who is well suited to him I will do so.

 

You are assuming those people *aren't* well suited and are unhappy.

 

My priest was telling me about visiting a couple who had been married 67--yes, *67* years. They were in their 90s, and had known eachother since they were in kindergarten. They adored eachother.

 

I want to be them when I grow up.

[Scarlett]

 

You are assuming those people *aren't* well suited and are unhappy.

 

My priest was telling me about visiting a couple who had been married 67--yes, *67* years. They were in their 90s, and had known eachother since they were in kindergarten. They adored eachother.

 

I want to be them when I grow up.

 

Oh me too. Well, too late because I can't be married for 67 years to my dh...we married when I was 45!

 

I KNOW there are many happy marriages that might have appeared to be mismatched....but I also know many marriages that aren't that happy even though each individual is a fine person in their own right.

[Juniper]

I am curious how you are so sure yours is so much higher if he hasn't been tested?

 

 

Actually, it something we have not given a ton of thought too. Part of the reason we just ran with the idea that mine was, was the fact that he was held back a year, and a huge part of my scores have to do with having an an almost perfect edetic verbal memory. Now, that my own children are aging and we are considering holding the twins back I am realizing there are many reasons to hold a child back and IQ plays an almost insignificant role.

 

Dh has fun with it and likes tease me about our college years and how I always out ranked him. ;) Butterflymommy got me thinking though and looking back on his achievements, wiring, and reasoning skills I find I am very curious.

[Scarlett]

 

 

Actually, it something we have not given a ton of thought too. Part of the reason we just ran with the idea that mine was, was the fact that he was held back a year, and a huge part of my scores have to do with having an an almost perfect edetic verbal memory. Now, that my own children are aging and we are considering holding the twins back I am realizing there are many reasons to hold a child back and IQ plays an almost insignificant role.

 

Dh has fun with it and likes tease me about our college years and how I always out ranked him. ;) Butterflymommy got me thinking though and looking back on his achievements, wiring, and reasoning skills I find I am very curious.

 

 

I am curious too! Tell him the Hive wants him tested. ;)

[kalanamak]

 

Brain chemistry can change and over the course of a decade that can shift you from happy to intolerable.

 

 

It can, but the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

 

If you'd like to follow personalities developing, the

Seven Up, Fourteen Up, Twenty-one Up, etc series is remarkable. I can't remember the name of the boy who grew up schizophrenic, but I when I saw 7, 14, and 21, I remember thinking something was off in that child.

[Murphy101]

Yeah, that part always grated on my nerves too. I like Marriage Builders material overall, but it is kind of hard nosed on some stuff. And the forums over there are crazy now. I feel bad that I've sent people to that site over the years...they are a bunch of whack a doodles now.

Still though this article on compatibility seems outstanding to me. It surprises me when others think it is bunk especially someone like Martha with whom I generally agree on almost everything!

 

Wait! I didn't say it was bunk. What I am saying is two things:

 

A. Compatibility cannot be determined by a list. Different people want and are willing to accept different things in life. Sometimes the difference between people is dramatic. Statistic have some use. Marriage is not really one of them. I'm not marrying based on statistics. It's for most parts a leap of faith and hope. It simply is

 

B. The points given to discuss are fine, but I think what the points are is less important than a couple willing to talk to begin with. About any and all of it and more.

 

The thing is though....some people stay together because they are committed, decent, selfless people even though they are not generally that happy with their mate. I greatly admire those people....but if I can help my son choose a mate who is well suited to him I will do so.

 

Sure. Which again, I'll point out two issues with that.

 

1. Their mate is not responsible for making them happy.

2. Where is their responsibility to change it, accept, or cope with it? Why do we automatically blame the spouse for their resentment to the point of unhappiness? I wouldn't assume that.

 

Oh me too. Well, too late because I can't be married for 67 years to my dh...we married when I was 45!

I KNOW there are many happy marriages that might have appeared to be mismatched....but I also know many marriages that aren't that happy even though each individual is a fine person in their own right.

 

See above.

 

If they are married to a fine person, then why isn't that enough? When did the qualifier for marriage happiness become some soul mate prince charming match? Because I absolutely adore my husband and can say without a doubt he does the same or more for me. But that's the choice I make. Granted he usually makes it an easy choice since he isn't a complete turd. But I can be. ;p Yet we decide to love and accept each other anyways. And it hasn't always been this way. And I'm pragmatic enough to accept it won't always be this way. But yet I have no doubt we will get through it married.

 

I wouldn't encourage my kids to marry at any age. I'm less concerned with age and finances than their commitment. Determination and persistence and general good will and a desire to love can go a long ways.

[Scarlett]

Wait! I didn't say it was bunk. What I am saying is two things:

 

A. Compatibility cannot be determined by a list. Different people want and are willing to accept different things in life. Sometimes the difference between people is dramatic. Statistic have some use. Marriage is not really one of them. I'm not marrying based on statistics. It's for most parts a leap of faith and hope. It simply is

 

B. The points given to discuss are fine, but I think what the points are is less important than a couple willing to talk to begin with. About any and all of it and more.

 

 

 

Sure. Which again, I'll point out two issues with that.

 

1. Their mate is not responsible for making them happy.

2. Where is their responsibility to change it, accept, or cope with it? Why do we automatically blame the spouse for their resentment to the point of unhappiness? I wouldn't assume that.

 

 

 

See above.

 

If they are married to a fine person, then why isn't that enough? When did the qualifier for marriage happiness become some soul mate prince charming match? Because I absolutely adore my husband and can say without a doubt he does the same or more for me. But that's the choice I make. Granted he usually makes it an easy choice since he isn't a complete turd. But I can be. ;p Yet we decide to love and accept each other anyways. And it hasn't always been this way. And I'm pragmatic enough to accept it won't always be this way. But yet I have no doubt we will get through it married.

 

I wouldn't encourage my kids to marry at any age. I'm less concerned with age and finances than their commitment. Determination and persistence and general good will and a desire to love can go a long ways.

 

Ok, I will give you that....that in the case of my first marrige....I wouldn't really define my first husband as 'a fine person.' After all he was cheating on me and even when he wasn't he was total jerk to me. I was not a bad wife and he could have been happy with me EVEN THOUGH HE left the religion that he vowed to be a part of.

 

I said something to my dh the night I met him that resonates with me still. (and it is more meaningful to US due to our faith)...I said, 'I believe that any two people who have an initial attraction who choose to serve our God can have a happy marriage.' Later I was moritfied that I had said that to a man I JUST met...but he told someone the other day that he loved that about me...he never has to guess what I'm thinking.

 

Interestingly enough, dh and I have had a fight today that is the worst of our marriage. Involves kids....and we are over it now because he in his awesome maturity called a meeting and we hashed it out and I just can't stay mad at him! Dealing with all this kids/step kid stuff is so much harder than a first marriage AND YET he and I get along so wonderfully...and the worst fight of our marriage is over in an hour.

[gardenmom5]

Dh and I come from different backgrounds, Yet, we're perfect for each other. :lol:

 

I dated many people who would be more compatible according to your list and ended up completely bored and tired of them all.

 

Dh and I talked about the important stuff and how we wanted to raise kids before we got married. Those big things have changed a bit as we've grown but we've grown together so it works.

 

 

 

similar here. according to the above list, dh and I shouldn't have a successful marriage, let alone one that has lasted. we talked about the things most important to us. we have a significant age difference, and several other things that according to "conventional wisdom" we shouldn't be compatible. words cannot express the opposition we had to our marriage. his side thought he was nuts (his sister changed her mind after she met me and we chatted), my side thought I was being stupid and tried to stop the wedding from happening. (the irony is, the woman who was most opposed because she was convinced I'd end up divorced - her dd who married with her approvial, is divorced.)

 

we've been married 30 years. I will add - my brother, who followed the above "rules" has been divorced twice.

 

eta: dh dated extensively - including a number of women who were much better "matches" according to above. I still hear him tell my how glad he is he married me, and how much better for him I am than whoever was in second place. (and I've met a few - very impressive women, and by worldly standards probably more capable. but he likes me better. :) )

[Melissa in Australia]

According to the article, Wolf and I shouldn't work, lol!

 

Thankfully, ppl are a lot more complex than any article could possibly account for.

 

:iagree:

[Melissa in Australia]

 

You are assuming those people *aren't* well suited and are unhappy.

 

My priest was telling me about visiting a couple who had been married 67--yes, *67* years. They were in their 90s, and had known eachother since they were in kindergarten. They adored eachother.

 

I want to be them when I grow up.

 

 

I want to be them as well :001_wub:

[TravelingChris]

When Dh and I married, I would say we were similar in 4 of the areas and in the 5th, culture, we were fast becoming the same (he is not at all like his family and hadn't wanted to follow his family's culture and was very happy to go along with me and choose the best from my culture and from the culture we both wanted). However, now after more than 25 years of marriage, our energy levels are definitely not the same. After all, he hasn't had four chronic illnesses added to his plate like I have had. Does it cause problems? Not for the most part. He is usually very understanding as am I that he still likes to do things I can no longer do (tennis, long hikes, etc). So he does those activities with our children or with others.

[gardenmom5]

A lot of people have some sort of fantasy that their spouse is going to change after they get married, .

ah yes. the old joke that women marry men thinking they'll change them, and men marry women thinking they'll stay the same. (a twenty-something ;[p)

 

Yes, I believe many people are fundamentally dishonest and it is mostly with themselves. .

I can agree partly with that - studies that found the majority of divorces had red-flags before the wedding. those couples are so caught up in the moment, they end up ignoring reality. I know several divorced couples whom I knew both before they were married. I'm sorry to say, I wasn't suprised they didn't last. For all but one, it was just something "off", but I couldn't put my finger on it.

(for the last one . . . I had a very innocuous conversation - about sheep of all things - and had an overwhelming impression he was trying to con me. - yeah, in a conversation about sheep. I thought it odd. - last I heard, he was in prison for fraud. his wife had no clue until he called to tell her he'd been arrested and was in jail.)

my dh tried to talk one women out of remarrying her ex. "can you trust him?" "no, but i love him". repeat. and the divorce was repeated too.

[Hoot]

 

Honestly, extreme extroverts eventually grate on me and the friendship fizzles. Once in awhile I meet someone who does not mind my introversion and proceeds less obnoxiously. Many don't get it though. I once had a friend who would do stuff like call me while she was on the road to ask if I wanted to drive 6 hours RIGHT NOW to go to a zoo. I mean I'd rather have a root canal than do that. LOL

 

 

I could have written this entire post! I had a friend exactly like you describe, too. It eventually fizzled out and I haven't heard from her in about 6 months now but she would do the SAME thing to me all the time. It drove me nuts.

[Hoot]

This was great. Dh and I got married when we were 26 and 21, so fairly young and still in college. I remember we read a book of questions like these together and talked about a lot of issues like adoption, religion, and if our kids should go to college. I was always so grateful for those conversations because it got us communicating about issues from day 1. LOTS of things have changed since then, but I think setting the foundation for good communication helped us grow together instead of apart. We are vastly different people than we were 11 years ago. Our engaged selves would have never believed where we would be now.

 

I think being able to have these conversations is almost more important than having the same answers.

 

 

(DH and I were devout Mormons, he wanted 5 kids and didn't think college was important. Now he is an agnostic, doesn't want any more kids than our two, and hell will freeze over before our kids don't go to college. Funny what growing up does to you.)

 

THIS!

Exactly this!

 

I was 17 when I met DH and 19 when we got married. We didn't talk through ANY of these things, didn't even think about them really. I just sort of assumed that life would work out the way it worked out and he, unbeknownst to me at the time, just assumed that he would let me know how things would be and I would fall in line. Well, almost immediately I realized what a big mistake it had been to not discuss a lot of this stuff ahead of time. Had we done so, I never would have married him. So, I agree that having very open conversations about the important stuff and being able to communicate openly is so much more important than any checklist or compatibility test.

 

That said, DH and I fail every one of those compatibility traits listed with the partial exception of cultural background so I can see the validity of considering these and other checkpoints as a place to start but not the be-all and end-all. On the surface we come from the same cultural background, but if you take certain factors into consideration, even that shows us to be from completely different worlds.

[swellmomma]

I don't buy into that stuff anymore. Based on those thoughts of compatibility etc than things should have worked out with my first husband. They didn't. Now that I am dating again, my 1st and foremost concern is his character. I don't care if he is smarter or dumber than me, I don't care if we have different energy levels, I don't care if our religions are different. What I care about is his character. Is he hard working, is he honest, is he trustworthy, does he treat my children as if they were his own, does he respect me, does he respect others such as a waiter or salesclerk. Does he respect my religion even if he doesn't share it. These are the things that matter to me.

 

Energy levels shift over time, and due to changes in health. So if I decided someone who matched my current energy levels was a good fit, in a few months or a year or whatever when I am healthy again they would no longer be a match kwim. The same is true if I felt someone with high energy was a match before my health declined, at this point our energy levels would be mismatched again.

 

Intelligence. I don't buy into finding someone within 15 points of your IQ. I agree that a very smart person, with a very not so smart person is likely a bad match because they would have nothing to talk about. But generally speaking, a smart person with an average person, is not necessarily a bad match. I also think the notion of comparing grades from high school or college is crap. I was an underachiever in high school, I went through a lot of crap and ditched class more often than I attended. I still passed but in many courses just barely. I do not think that makes me an unitelligent person. I also do not have college grades to compare as I do not have a degree. I know what my IQ is due to testing, based on grades in school it would appear I was a good 20-25 points lower than I actually am. What a load of rubbish.

 

Social interest. I am not of the belief that a couple only does what they both jointly agree to. They can go out separately, they can alternate the extroverts preferences with the introverts etc. There is ways to make a balance of the social interests without excluding a potential match simply because they are one and they are the other.

 

And the list goes on. I think that any marriage can work if both people make it work, and if they have the character to do so. I think this notion of compatibility based on things like energy, IQ, social etc makes marriages actually fail because people "fall out of love" with the person when that person changes with time. So they quit the marriage. I am not talking about a serious lack of character, with adultry, abuse, addiction etc. I am talking about those marriages that fail because people are no longer happy because their partner changed with time. I think that is why even arranged marriages can last so much longer than ones when people have decided they are getting married out of love based on how they are the perfect match.

 

I don't want my perfect match. I want my compliment. I want someone that will stand by and support me and that I can stand by and support even in the areas we are different. Someone who is in for the long haul not only as long as my energy, or social standing, or religion is the same.

[Durriyyah]

 

That should be on the list too! Do you need to be around people who are different than you, or do you like to be around people who are similar to you? I really do think that's a personality thing.

 

 

That's a really good point! While I spend most of my time with people that agree with me on main issues, I value having some diversity of opinion around also. I actually liked diversity of opinion a lot more before my viewpoints were attacked so heavily and thoughtlessly... then it got tiresome to always defend myself. Still, I never thought of that as a personality trait. Hmm.

 

 

I think being able to have these conversations is almost more important than having the same answers.

 

 

 

ITA!! Even if there are areas where you don't match up (and maybe it is best if you don't match up), it is good to get the practice of communicating about important matters. Too often I think teens and young adults don't talk about anything of importance before they declare their love for each other... or if it is "important", it is very surface level.

 

There are definitely areas where DH and I are completely on point together, especially moral values. I have a higher energy level than him (though I still think I have a low energy level in general), and while I get annoyed trying to get him to do things and I feel like I'm nagging him, he has expressed appreciation that I try to push him in various areas. In terms of culture, I think some people can make it work and some can't. Most of my friends are American converts, married to Muslim born men from places like Egypt, Pakistan, Bangladesh, etc. Obviously the cultures are very different and that takes work, but the men chose to move to the US so they expect to share some customs, and the women enjoy taking on some cultural aspects that bring their religion further into their homes. Anyway, it can work, though I can see how hard it can be to come to common ground.

 

I think this is a great list to start the conversation going for unmarried people, and hopefully for people who do not have a significant other yet. It's easy to say Mr. Dreamy fits all criteria after you're already smitten by him.

[I.Dup.]

I guess I'm wondering what the chances are that any young-ish person is going to go around with a checklist and mark people off depending on their characteristics? The few people I do know with that much self control are all single. :confused1:

 

If many of us admit it, wasn't there a spark/chemistry/hormones that contributed to our match? I think that is too powerful to ignore for most people. I can't imagine someone being really drawn to someone else and choosing not to go with them based on advice they've gotten or what some article says. Sure it makes US feel better to talk to our kids about it, but I'm not sure it makes any difference.

[Murphy101]

Oh sure there's spark. But that doesn't mean our brain stops functioning. And starting the conversation is a great way to figure out if it's only spark. Nothing puts a damper on sex drive faster than an argument about money, kids, work, dishes and the mother in laws. ;p

 

That's why I don't think the list matters. It's not the checklist that matters, it's the couple talking and working it out in general that matters.

[TranquilMind]

The thing is though....some people stay together because they are committed, decent, selfless people even though they are not generally that happy with their mate. I greatly admire those people....but if I can help my son choose a mate who is well suited to him I will do so.

 

Right. I admire those people too, but forewarned is forearmed. I don't want my children to knowingly go into a difficult relationship, being all starry-eyed and thinking that they can just smooth over all the problem areas with "love". Better to start out in the first place with fewer problem areas, if at all possible.

[I.Dup.]

Oh sure there's spark. But that doesn't mean our brain stops functioning. And starting the conversation is a great way to figure out if it's only spark. Nothing puts a damper on sex drive faster than an argument about money, kids, work, dishes and the mother in laws. ;p

 

That's why I don't think the list matters. It's not the checklist that matters, it's the couple talking and working it out in general that matters.

 

But anyone can SAY anything. I have dated guys that were big talkers, very articulate, and they tended to be the most manipulative kind of people out there. My dh is quiet. He doesn't say much. We don't have long talks, in fact, he avoids talking about big issues at all costs. But he has proven his loyalty (he stood by me when I got pregnant at 18 and we barely knew each other, has stayed with me through thick and thin), he's a great father, very compassionate, etc.

 

My Dad is a very intelligent psychologist who can talk and say all the right things until one is blue in the face. But he certainly hasn't been an ideal spouse. I don't have all that much faith in talking either, I guess. LOL I think you can know a lot about a person by the way they respond, how close they are to their family, how many friends they have, what they like to do, what they spend time on (are they constantly working? studying? playing video games? wanting to be the center of attention and out and about all the time? etc). A lot IS based on intuition, I guess that's what I was getting at.

[TranquilMind]

I can't imagine someone being really drawn to someone else and choosing not to go with them based on advice they've gotten or what some article says. Sure it makes US feel better to talk to our kids about it, but I'm not sure it makes any difference.

 

You are probably right. Unfortunately. Young people (and I include myself here, when I was one of them) think they know everything.

[I.Dup.]

 

You are probably right. Unfortunately. Young people (and I include myself here, when I was one of them) think they know everything.

 

 

I don't think it's necessarily about thinking they know everything (although of course we all did) but just a lack of wisdom and the power of hormones. If we all waited until everything had perfect conditions and we waited for the perfect spouse with all of the right qualities, I doubt very many of us would be married. Hormones are a powerful thing. I think older people are probably better about picking spouses, with the wisdom they've gained and the lack of hormones compared to younger people. :p

[Rosie_0801]

But anyone can SAY anything. I have dated guys that were big talkers, very articulate, and they tended to be the most manipulative kind of people out there.

I dated one like that too, but there wasn't an intentionally manipulative bone in his body. Shame really, I'd have worked out the dynamic a lot faster. When I start dating again, I'll be watching a whole lot harder than I'm listening.

[I.Dup.]

I dated one like that too, but there wasn't an intentionally manipulative bone in his body. Shame really, I'd have worked out the dynamic a lot faster. When I start dating again, I'll be watching a whole lot harder than I'm listening.

 

I do miss the long, stimulating conversations. But I'll take my dh over those talkers any day. :p

[Scarlett]

 

 

But anyone can SAY anything. I have dated guys that were big talkers, very articulate, and they tended to be the most manipulative kind of people out there. My dh is quiet. He doesn't say much. We don't have long talks, in fact, he avoids talking about big issues at all costs. But he has proven his loyalty (he stood by me when I got pregnant at 18 and we barely knew each other, has stayed with me through thick and thin), he's a great father, very compassionate, etc.

 

My Dad is a very intelligent psychologist who can talk and say all the right things until one is blue in the face. But he certainly hasn't been an ideal spouse. I don't have all that much faith in talking either, I guess. LOL I think you can know a lot about a person by the way they respond, how close they are to their family, how many friends they have, what they like to do, what they spend time on (are they constantly working? studying? playing video games? wanting to be the center of attention and out and about all the time? etc). A lot IS based on intuition, I guess that's what I was getting at.

 

[Scarlett]

 

 

But anyone can SAY anything. I have dated guys that were big talkers, very articulate, and they tended to be the most manipulative kind of people out there. My dh is quiet. He doesn't say much. We don't have long talks, in fact, he avoids talking about big issues at all costs. But he has proven his loyalty (he stood by me when I got pregnant at 18 and we barely knew each other, has stayed with me through thick and thin), he's a great father, very compassionate, etc.

 

My Dad is a very intelligent psychologist who can talk and say all the right things until one is blue in the face. But he certainly hasn't been an ideal spouse. I don't have all that much faith in talking either, I guess. LOL I think you can know a lot about a person by the way they respond, how close they are to their family, how many friends they have, what they like to do, what they spend time on (are they constantly working? studying? playing video games? wanting to be the center of attention and out and about all the time? etc). A lot IS based on intuition, I guess that's what I was getting at.

 

 

But that isn't intuition. That is observation.....that IS a checklist......and it can be very effective.

[Scarlett]

The manipulative talkers are dishonest. So we all need the skill of seeing through that type of personify .

[Scarlett]

I guess I'm wondering what the chances are that any young-ish person is going to go around with a checklist and mark people off depending on their characteristics? The few people I do know with that much self control are all single. :confused1:

 

If many of us admit it, wasn't there a spark/chemistry/hormones that contributed to our match? I think that is too powerful to ignore for most people. I can't imagine someone being really drawn to someone else and choosing not to go with them based on advice they've gotten or what some article says. Sure it makes US feel better to talk to our kids about it, but I'm not sure it makes any difference.

 

 

Before I married the first time there were several guys I was VERY attracted to that I absolutely knew I could never be with. They were honest though and so that was easy. The one that got me was the one who promised me what he knew I wanted. I didn't have the maturity or skill to see thru it.

[Murphy101]

Well obviously talking has to be followed with actions. It's not an either or option.

 

But usually in a new relationship, there isn't enough history to predict actions. So talking is usually a good starting point.

[Murphy101]

I don't buy for a minute that being deceived by some smooth talker or hormones and spark is a problem of the young. It happens at every age.

[Scarlett]

I don't buy for a minute that being deceived by some smooth talker or hormones and spark is a problem of the young. It happens at every age.

 

 

 

Know it can happen at any age, but for ME it happened when I was young and it didn't happen when was no longer young. I spent years learning about myself and other people. I learned a lot.

[Murphy101]

Sure you did. Don't we all?

If you had met him older, then you might not have already learned that info that enabled you to do differently now.

[Scarlett]

Sure you did. Don't we all?

If you had met him older, then you might not have already learned that info that enabled you to do differently now.

 

 

Maybe. But I would have to be living in a vacuum to not see that kind of person all around me including some of them marrying into my family and my best friends. Age equals experience.

[LMD]

I don't buy for a minute that being deceived by some smooth talker or hormones and spark is a problem of the young. It happens at every age.

 

 

I totally agree. Someone I know keeps falling for it over and over. Age doesn't equal wisdom or maturity. I got married at 18 and it's lasting. I'll admit that it was a starry eyed hormonal, know it all teenager match though!

[Murphy101]

Ha! There are a crazy number of people living in a vacuum then. I know plenty of people who have made those same mistakes in their late 20s, 30s, 40s and even older. And some just keep making it repeatedly. *smh* It's frustrating and sad to watch because they just can't see it and refuse to hear it when concerned people speak up. And speaking up usually ends unpleasant too. No win for anyone when that happens.

[AdventureMoms]

I'm a pretty serious introvert, and DW is the biggest extravert I have ever known. Thank heavens we don't go in for any sort of "both parties must agree to all social contact" rules, that wouldn't work very well! I have zero problem with DW going out with friends and socializing while I go hide alone. Plus she works all day and has social contact there while I'm home (which is exhausting at the moment with three kids who never ever leave me alone, but will be better when they develop somewhat of their own social lives).

 

I do go out with her sometimes, even if I don't much want to, because it's nice and I like her. And she stays home and hangs with me sometimes, even when she'd rather be out.

 

I did once date someone who fit all those criteria with me. I was bored out of my mind and we never went out and did anything. I think I need an extravert in my life to push me into SOME social contact. Even introverts need friends occasionally!

 

I tend to agree that different people can tolerate different issues in a relationship. I think it would be REALLY hard for me to deal with someone who was low energy (I'm fairly high energy) or in a vastly different intelligence bracket than me.

[Scarlett]

Ha! There are a crazy number of people living in a vacuum then. I know plenty of people who have made those same mistakes in their late 20s, 30s, 40s and even older. And some just keep making it repeatedly. *smh* It's frustrating and sad to watch because they just can't see it and refuse to hear it when concerned people speak up. And speaking up usually ends unpleasant too. No win for anyone when that happens.

 

Yeah I agree there are plenty of people with bad pickers! But that is what am talking about....people refusing to get real about themselves, what they need and what they can provide.

[Impish]

Yeah I agree there are plenty of people with bad pickers! But that is what am talking about....people refusing to get real about themselves, what they need and what they can provide.

 

Folks like that exist everywhere, every age, etc.

 

I think that Wolf and I being older when we met def cut through the carp. We were both very clear about what we wanted, what we didn't, what was a firm yes/no, and what we were willing to compromise about.

 

We were old enough, mature enough, to not bother playing games, but to be ourselves, not trying to 'fit' anyone else's ideals. Saved a LOT of time.

[jujsky]

DH and I are from different cultures. I grew up celebrating Christmas, he grew up celebrating New Years because that's what you did in communist Russia. It works for us. We celebrate Christmas, New Years, and Hanukkah. Cultural issues in terms of parental involvement have been an ongoing issue in our marriage, but it's not one that's insurmountable. We also married young (23 and 24) but we're still going strong after 13+ years. I think out of all the things on that list, intelligence would be the biggest sticking point in a marriage. We are intelligent in different ways, but I bet if we took an IQ test, we would come out pretty close. If I couldn't have a conversation with him without being bored, there would be no point in being married to him.

[momacacia]

Fascinating article. I find these points have held true for us. We have a very "compatible" marriage, and I think we'd both say it's a great marriage. I would not do well married to someone who didn't respect me intellectually or respect my opinions, or to someone with whom I had serious value/religious conflicts. DH and I are generally on the same page on these 5 points and while it probably makes us really boring, I find kids add enough excitement to life for the time being.