Boasting or Just Simply Sharing

[Marie463]

Ok mommas of smarty-pants kids....I've been thinking a lot about boasting or bragging recently and would love hear your thoughts. Certainly, this is not an issue only for parents of kids who are bright, but you all will certainly understand.

 

My question: How do you define bragging/boasting? Does it have to do with the intentions of the one sharing or the insensitivity that the one sharing has of their audience?

 

Real-life examples:

1. a group of friends discussing a past or future get together in front of people who were not or will not be invited

2. a person posting something on Facebook about their lavish lifestyle knowing while knowing that others of much less means will be reading it

3. here's where you all come in --- participating in a discussion with other hs moms about what level of such-and-such curriculum you are using or maybe sending your advanced dc's math work along with him when visits another hs friend's house (and they are supposed to be doing work, not playing!)

 

In all of the cases above, one can be truthful (and not boasting)....but does it cross a line when you know that your words may be perceived by the recipient as hurtful?

 

Still working through my thoughts on this....hope that this makes sense! I'd love hear the thoughts of others!

[Happy2BaMom]

I think most parents are so hyper-sensitive about their child being behind or not getting as-good-as-the-next-kid that I completely avoid discussing/showing/sharing/mentioning/etc. anything about ds' abilities and/or levels. While you may perceive it as just sharing, the chances that the other parent will here "my kid is more advanced than your kid" are significant. I know I feel a little bit the same way if another parent shares something about his/her own child that makes it seem like my kid(s) are behind.

 

Just MHO.

[ShutterBug]

:iagree:

 

I could post to FB that ds 9 is goofing around instead of doing math without mentioning that it's 7th grade math, kwim?

[Marie463]

I agree with you completely....I usually try to avoid talking about exactly what my ds is doing as well!

 

Here's what prompted this post today....and it's pretty silly! Beautiful weather today and we had a great hs group field trip at a local park....I almost posted something on FB about what a great time that we had, but chose not to do so because I have several friends who wish that they could homeschool but can't for various reasons (unsupportive husband, fear, finances, etc., etc.) Is merely mentioning something that may be insensitive to a few considered boasting? Or, is this simply an example of that you can't control how others view something?

[lizbusby]

The area that I've felt this dilemma the most is simply talking about children at all . . . around some of my friends/family who struggle with infertility or not being able to find someone to marry in the first place. Although I want to be sensitive, reality is that I can't avoid mentioning my children when talking about my life. If even the mention of children causing happiness will set them off, it's not really me who has the problem.

 

But on the other hand, it is important to be as sensitive. It's certainly a crazy balance to strike. Knowing your audience is definitely important. Also, vagueness when necessary. (Although vague facebook statuses drive me crazy.)

 

One of the most sensitive areas can be when you talk about the "problems" caused by what they would see as a blessing. For example, my cousin had been trying to get pregnant for several years. When I complained about my pregnancy pains on facebook, she certainly took it the wrong way and chastised me about how she would endure almost anything to be in my shoes.

 

So when it comes to homeschool, maybe avoid talking about all the challenges around those who would give much to have those problems. Ditto with the challenges of raising gifted children. Save those for those who can appreciate them.

[Belacqua]

 

But on the other hand, it is important to be as sensitive. It's certainly a crazy balance to strike. Knowing your audience is definitely important. Also, vagueness when necessary. (Although vague facebook statuses drive me crazy.)

 

That makes a lot of sense. Seems that if people are determined to get snitty, they'll find a way.

 

Marie mentioned the example of sending a kid's advanced schoolwork when he's studying with a friend. I'm reminded of seeing a boy quietly doing his math homework, not drawing attention to himself, and still people felt the need to comment (not directly in front of the kid, thank goodness). Most of the grumblers complained that he was showing off by doing math their kids weren't ready for. A few, though, openly gloated that he couldn't be that smart, as he was doing algebra in Grade 9 (they failed to notice that it was Linear Algebra). Can't please everybody; sometimes, you can't please anybody.

[regentrude]

Here's what prompted this post today....and it's pretty silly! Beautiful weather today and we had a great hs group field trip at a local park....I almost posted something on FB about what a great time that we had, but chose not to do so because I have several friends who wish that they could homeschool but can't for various reasons (unsupportive husband, fear, finances, etc., etc.) Is merely mentioning something that may be insensitive to a few considered boasting? Or, is this simply an example of that you can't control how others view something?

 

If you take it to the extreme you could not share ANYTHING.

Posts about homeschooling might offend non-homeschoolers, or wish-I-could-homeschoolers.

Posts about kids might offend infertile friends.

Posts about vacation might offend people who can not afford a vacation.

Posts about family might offend people with family issues or losses of loved ones.

Posts about food.. well, somebody will be on a diet or have allergies.

There can always be somebody who might perceive a message as hurtful - because they choose to. As long as YOU are not consciously trying to post things in order to hurt somebody, I see no problem.

[Ester Maria]

Real-life examples:

1. a group of friends discussing a past or future get together in front of people who were not or will not be invited

2. a person posting something on Facebook about their lavish lifestyle knowing while knowing that others of much less means will be reading it

3. here's where you all come in --- participating in a discussion with other hs moms about what level of such-and-such curriculum you are using or maybe sending your advanced dc's math work along with him when visits another hs friend's house (and they are supposed to be doing work, not playing!)

1. Rude if it is an intentional conversation with a group of people, not something you are discussing with those involved which only gets overheard by other people.

 

2. The FB example may as well be a case of "overhearing", so to speak. Sharing something on FB does not necessarily mean you intend to involve everyone you know there. You may not have any "intentions" regarding other people - FB (from what I understand) largely functions as "an insight into my life" open to whom it may concern. It is still other people's choice to be checking profiles and it is especially a choice to be thinking everything that happens in somebody's life is somehow related to you and that there are hidden intentions behind it. A bit paranoid if you ask me: I think people who tend to assume such things are, ironically, quite self-centered to start with - to get upset over something which is still more public than private and thus not specifically related to the communication with them.

 

3. Similar to FB - it is a forum communication (even more specifically, in a forum which excplicitly states to deal with accelerated students!) open to whom it may concern, not necessarily a private thing or an attempt to exclude somebody. People who are really prone to all sorts of comparisons and inferior feelings and whatnot (though I still hold to the good ol' nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent) should maybe avoid such places altogether not to "read into" such communication anything personal.

3.1. I do not send DC's academic work anywhere. I can see why it would be insensitive, a bit of an "in your face" thing - but on the other hand, if they agreed in advance to study, who am I do judge and why does it differ from being together in a public library and each doing their work?

 

 

Speaking more generally, I think that WAY more often it is about some people being oversensitive than some other people being insensitive. I do not see very often the instances I would consider outright bragging - but I do see very often people "reading into" other people's intentions. I think these nuances are a lot more difficult to perceive online than IRL, though.

[Alice]

I think intent is huge. So if you share with someone who is infertile how easy it was to get pregnant, that might be rude and insensitive. If you know a friend has a child really struggling with math it might be insensitive to share how advanced your child is, especially if it isn't information that is being asked. If you have a new widow at church it m might be insensitive to share one of those "oh, my silly husband" moments.

 

However, I don't think it's insensitive to share information that might be hurtful to someone somewhere in a public setting like Facebook. It's not like you are saying "Hey, all you people with kids in school, nanny nanny boo boo, we went to the park today." It's just that you are sharing a part of your life. I don't do Facebook, but if I did I'd imagine I'd do it to share bits about our life with friends. It's kind of pointless if you have to edit everything.

 

I also think the audience is important. I think one of the definitions of a true friend is someone with whom you can share the bad but also the good and the ordinary. So with some of my closest friends I feel like I can share how blessed we are in certain areas. It's not boasting with them it's just sharing and they are truly happy for me as I am for them when they share with me. But with someone who isn't one of my closest friends I might be more careful about sharing, whether it's good or bad.

 

That's not at all very clear, but it's such a gray area.

Edited November 9, 2011 by Alice

[Ester Maria]

If you take it to the extreme you could not share ANYTHING.

Posts about homeschooling might offend non-homeschoolers, or wish-I-could-homeschoolers.

Posts about kids might offend infertile friends.

Posts about vacation might offend people who can not afford a vacation.

Posts about family might offend people with family issues or losses of loved ones.

Posts about food.. well, somebody will be on a diet or have allergies.

Yeah, this too.

 

When taken to the extreme, you end up not being able to talk about anything because the odds are at least somebody will find it uncomfortable.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

With facebook a while back I realized that I was posting a LOT more about my kids than any of the other moms. But it's my main way of communicating stuff about them to my mother's side of the family and my husband's family, where these are the only grand-kids/great-grand kids. That being a smaller group than the rest, I made a facebook group I named "Kid Updates" and now I post almost exclusively about them to that group where I know the people want to hear daily about the cuteness.

 

But that doesn't work for everything. If people are that bothered by what you have to say, have them hide your wall posts so they can only see them if they want to look, but they can still be "friends" with you.

 

But that only works on facebook. I only have one friend with kids, so it's not as frequent a problem as it may be for some. Though when her daughter was just turned 5 and ds#2 was 28 months he knew his alphabet better than she did, and that's kinda hard to hide since his favorite game was to point out letters, name them, and then say their sound.

[zaichiki]

Ok mommas of smarty-pants kids....I've been thinking a lot about boasting or bragging recently and would love hear your thoughts. Certainly, this is not an issue only for parents of kids who are bright, but you all will certainly understand.

 

My question: How do you define bragging/boasting? Does it have to do with the intentions of the one sharing or the insensitivity that the one sharing has of their audience?

 

IMO Bragging or boasting has to be intentional. Just b/c someone is offended by something I say doesn't mean that I'm bragging/boasting. It could be that they are just competitive or sensitive for whatever reason. I mean, hey, if I said that my 4th grader learned cursive this week after weeks of struggle, and another mom was offended, would that be my fault? What if my child was 4 instead of a 4th grader? Am I suddenly bragging just b/c the child's age is different? (Oh now, wait: then I'd be PUSHING.) I don't think so. I think it's all in the tone and the intention.

Edited November 10, 2011 by zaichiki

[acurtis75]

I post occassional videos or examples of dd doing schoolwork on FB specifically for my mom. She works out of town for most of the year and therefore only sees dd every few months. She's constantly begging for pictures, videos, etc. I've started saying "this is for Grandma at her request" when I post something. If you then choose to watch it I'm not responsible for how you allow if to make you feel about your child's progress.

[serendipitous journey]

I don't FB, but I've been thinking about this lately ... I tend to highlight, in conversations, Button's oddnesses or delays (like art :)) and sometimes focus on his sweetness, but not really mention his advanced areas. But that's partly b/c for any given conversation, there's usually at least one person there with a child struggling. And I have to say, that crazy-making as being Button's mama can be, it's nothing like having a little one on the spectrum or with a language processing disorder or (child of one of our friends) born missing one eye. But conversations are so different from FB ... it's good to learn about FB manners :)..

 

ps -- I originally was going to say that I am thinking it isn't fair to Button that his slower or weaker points get mentioned when other mamas brag about their little ones. I don't know what y'all think about that ...

[nitascool]

I would think that places like this sub-forum would be free from the assumption of the braggart or pushy parent comments but I have noticed over the years that it is not. Which is such a shame. It is really the only place I can go and not get such ignorant comments from people who just don't get me or my children. We all (every parent) needs a place they can go to "brag" about the hard work of their children weather they are 3 or 13 and have just learned to read, ride a bike, finally found a friend, etc.

 

I find it difficult to understand why being proud of my children's accomplishments is bragging. We have dealt with this mentality for many years now. My oldest two are the most obviously advanced being verbally precocious. The other two are more shy in front of people they don't know well and speak much more softly so stranger overhear their vocabulary oddities a little less often.

 

When my son was a year people actually told me that he was being boastful and arrogant because he used big words that they as adults didn't use (more likely didn't know). One year olds aren't arrogant, they are one!

 

One older lady told me that I should not have taught my 2nd ds to talk like "a little genius" because it showed my insecurity. Funny thing is I don't ever remember "teaching" my son to talk... I did teach him baby sign, but don't remember consciously teaching him any "big words". The boy is autistic and I still get told that I'm making him spew out all that info. that he has.

 

In our area I often here parents asking their children to share what they have learned in school "this week" with other family members or even strangers. It is a regular topic at my Chiropractors office and at the Doctors offices in our area. My children have noticed that we don't do that and have mentioned this to me asking "Why can't we talk about what we learn during school?" My oldest is the only one who realizes that he is advanced for his age. I tried to limit it with him.

 

I guess I've said enough. It is a bit of a soap box for me... so I'll try and get off for now.:lol:

[Bang!Zoom!]

You know what part of the problem is?

 

Developing a relationship with the other "person" or adult first...before going past any social niceties sort of topics. Even then - it can be difficult as an area when it comes to discussing kids.

 

Don't even get me started on that P word.

 

You know which one I mean.. :lol:

[beaners]

 

Don't even get me started on that P word.

 

You know which one I mean.. :lol:

 

I don't. Potty? Precocious? Potential? Price? Phonics?

[Woodland Mist Academy]

I don't. Potty? Precocious? Potential? Price? Phonics?

 

I don't know either. :confused:

[Bang!Zoom!]

I don't know either. :confused:

 

Pushing

[alisonslp]

Personally, I think people are too oversensitive on a lot of topics. And I think people need to think about more about other people's joys as opposed to our own miseries.

 

Infertility - we struggled for 3 yrs with this, both with getting pregnant and with losing several late 1st trimester pregnancies. I had family and friends who were getting pregnant easily. I wasn't bitter or sad. I was happy for THEM. Yes, I was sad for myself, but why would that change how I felt for another person?

 

In terms of when something becomes bragging - I think it crosses the line when there is a clear implication that the person is saying "I'm better than you". There is a big difference in "I got an A on the test" and "I beat everyone in the class"

[....]

I find it difficult to understand why being proud of my children's accomplishments is bragging. We have dealt with this mentality for many years now.

 

Yeah, some people are just excited about their kids.

 

Also, this seems to be a western culture thing. My husband is from Korea and bragging about kids is like a national pasttime. It's not a faux pas like it is here. Relatives are constantly calling my husband to hear the latest "what amazing things are the kids doing" update and to tell us what some cousin's kid is doing.

 

And here's a shocker: I actually like hearing about other people's kids and the amazing things they're doing. :D I guess it's somehow reassuring.

[zaichiki]

I actually like hearing about other people's kids and the amazing things they're doing. :D I guess it's somehow reassuring.

 

Ditto! And it's inspiring if they're doing something different...

 

And if someone else's kid is doing something my kid is not, so what... People are different, ya know.

 

I like reading about what people are doing in magazines (so and so is an actress/surfer/writer -- what are they doing? what are their current projects? recent accomplishments, etc.). I feel the same way about kids. I like hearing what kids out there are doing, especially if I know the kids. It's interesting.

[Donna]

Ditto! And it's inspiring if they're doing something different...

 

And if someone else's kid is doing something my kid is not, so what... People are different, ya know.

 

I like reading about what people are doing in magazines (so and so is an actress/surfer/writer -- what are they doing? what are their current projects? recent accomplishments, etc.). I feel the same way about kids. I like hearing what kids out there are doing, especially if I know the kids. It's interesting.

 

:iagree:

[Greenmama2]

Ditto! And it's inspiring if they're doing something different...

 

And if someone else's kid is doing something my kid is not, so what... People are different, ya know.

 

I like reading about what people are doing in magazines (so and so is an actress/surfer/writer -- what are they doing? what are their current projects? recent accomplishments, etc.). I feel the same way about kids. I like hearing what kids out there are doing, especially if I know the kids. It's interesting.

This is quite reassuring, thanks :)

[Guest MMMgoode]

And here's a shocker: I actually like hearing about other people's kids and the amazing things they're doing. :D I guess it's somehow reassuring.

 

Me too! In fact, this thread inspired me to join this site!

 

I am often flustered by talking about my Dd, 6, and where she's at, so I join email lists, facebook groups, and forums so that I am surrounded by other people who "get it." I love to read books, emails, and articles of 8 year olds in college, 10 year old chemists, and other young kids doing amazing things not only because I think "whew! At least we're not there (yet)!" but also to reassure myself that there ARE other kids like this (and higher ability levels) out there! It makes the whole endeavor much less lonely.

 

But how to talk to other people about my daughter's abilities without isolating them? I have NO idea. Part of this for me may be that I'm sort of off-putting regardless. Another part of it though is that I've tried lines like "oh we don't have to worry about grade levels because we're homeschooling," only to have Dd ask me specifically what grade she's in. Since she knows and we've discussed it with her, I'm going to answer her. Then she turns around to tell her friend who asked. Then her friend shakes her head and my daughter turns to look at me, panicked. I did what any parent I know would do: I backed up my daughter. I may be trying to negotiate how to talk about her and her abilities but I am first and foremost her biggest supporter and if being my daughter's champion isolates people then I guess our endeavor will be a little lonely.

[poetic license]

Also, this seems to be a western culture thing. My husband is from Korea and bragging about kids is like a national pasttime.

 

Haha, I'm from Pakistan and this is so true! To the point that sometimes you think people are lying. My BIL always says, "how come everyone from Pakistan claims that their kid was first in his class? I mean, someone's gotta come second." :lol:

[Dmmetler]

Me too! In fact, this thread inspired me to join this site!

 

I am often flustered by talking about my Dd, 6, and where she's at, so I join email lists, facebook groups, and forums so that I am surrounded by other people who "get it." I love to read books, emails, and articles of 8 year olds in college, 10 year old chemists, and other young kids doing amazing things not only because I think "whew! At least we're not there (yet)!" but also to reassure myself that there ARE other kids like this (and higher ability levels) out there! It makes the whole endeavor much less lonely.

 

But how to talk to other people about my daughter's abilities without isolating them? I have NO idea. Part of this for me may be that I'm sort of off-putting regardless. Another part of it though is that I've tried lines like "oh we don't have to worry about grade levels because we're homeschooling," only to have Dd ask me specifically what grade she's in. Since she knows and we've discussed it with her, I'm going to answer her. Then she turns around to tell her friend who asked. Then her friend shakes her head and my daughter turns to look at me, panicked. I did what any parent I know would do: I backed up my daughter. I may be trying to negotiate how to talk about her and her abilities but I am first and foremost her biggest supporter and if being my daughter's champion isolates people then I guess our endeavor will be a little lonely.

 

My DD had that happen recently, when we saw friends who had moved away a few years before-the question of "what grade are you in" came up-and DD was absolutely panicked and then stammered..."Uh, what does Physics, reading, algebra, fred fractions, Latin, and Greek come out to?" Fortunately, this is a family from India, where apparently working above grade level is more an admirable and expected thing than in the USA, so DD got a pleased "Oh, you're doing algebra too? So am I" from the family's 10 yr old.

[psychmom]

I also think it's great to hear about what other kids are doing, and I find this forum a great way to do that. It doesn't seem like bragging to me to say that a child is gifted at something (whether it's academics, back handsprings, or making pastry).

 

However, I do think we have to be careful what we say in front of our kids. We have some friends who love to brag about their daughter (posting her test scores on Facebook, etc.). I have no problem with that, but I think that maybe they have discussed this with her in a way that is not appropriate. It's starting to affect how she interacts with others. For example, I was teaching Sunday school a few weeks ago when she turned to another kid (who is a year younger) and said, "You don't know how to spell 'love' yet? I knew that at your age!" The other kid's face fell, and I reassured him and (gently) told her off. I know from reading Carol Dweck that praising a kid for being smart can really backfire, and that if our friends' daughter ever meets a challenge, she may struggle to cope with it. Wish I knew how to discuss this with them, but I can't see any tactful way to do so...

[cottonmama]

This is a timely thread for me. Yesterday an acquaintance I hadn't seen in six months asked me how my kids were doing... and honestly the big thing in my 3yo's life right now is that she's started reading. So I talked about that. And afterwards I wondered if that was the right thing to do. This friend has older children, and I didn't get any weird vibe from her or anything, but I've mostly been trying not to bring up dd's reading to anyone but family. I feel like I'm living under a code of silence lest I offend anyone.

 

It's almost like having an advanced child takes away your license to gush about their accomplishments. A parent of a five- or six-year-old can post on facebook, "Johnny learned to read today!" without it being considered bragging (and even though it *will* hurt some feelings because some kids are struggling at 8 and 9 years old) -- but I feel like it would be totally inappropriate to post about my dd's reading, because she's so young.

 

I guess that's the thing that's frustrating -- that there's more than "it might hurt someone else's feelings" going into the equation. It's not just boasting if it will hurt someone's feelings. Saying "Johnny learned to read!" is okay because other kids that age can do it, so you're not saying "Johnny is better than other children!" But saying "DD learned to read!" when dd is 3 will be heard as "DD is better than other children" even though doing it earlier than other kids is not what's exciting about it. The accomplishment itself is the exciting part, and that should be exciting objectively, without comparison to other children. But most people will not understand it that way.

[Meriwether]

Ok mommas of smarty-pants kids....I've been thinking a lot about boasting or bragging recently and would love hear your thoughts. Certainly, this is not an issue only for parents of kids who are bright, but you all will certainly understand.

 

My question: How do you define bragging/boasting? Does it have to do with the intentions of the one sharing or the insensitivity that the one sharing has of their audience?

 

Real-life examples:

1. a group of friends discussing a past or future get together in front of people who were not or will not be invited This is either extremely rude or only slightly rude depending on the situation

2. a person posting something on Facebook about their lavish lifestyle knowing while knowing that others of much less means will be reading it I think tone is important on this one.

3. here's where you all come in --- participating in a discussion with other hs moms about what level of such-and-such curriculum you are using or maybe sending your advanced dc's math work along with him when visits another hs friend's house (and they are supposed to be doing work, not playing!) I have a daughter who is advanced but not gifted, a son who is average?, and a son who is a little advance. I talk about them all. I will not chitchat about the baby with my SIL at Christmas, though, because her son is delayed. I guess I'd say it is best to avoid comments that would directly one-up another person's child.

 

In all of the cases above, one can be truthful (and not boasting)....but does it cross a line when you know that your words may be perceived by the recipient as hurtful?

 

Still working through my thoughts on this....hope that this makes sense! I'd love hear the thoughts of others!

.

[Tigger]

I agree with you completely....I usually try to avoid talking about exactly what my ds is doing as well!

 

Here's what prompted this post today....and it's pretty silly! Beautiful weather today and we had a great hs group field trip at a local park....I almost posted something on FB about what a great time that we had, but chose not to do so because I have several friends who wish that they could homeschool but can't for various reasons (unsupportive husband, fear, finances, etc., etc.) Is merely mentioning something that may be insensitive to a few considered boasting? Or, is this simply an example of that you can't control how others view something?

 

On this one, I think you're responsible for you and not how another may perceive your posting. You're not responsible for another's ability or inability to homeschool, so IMO if you're having a great HS day, doing something really fun with the kids, there is really no reason to censor yourself because one or two on your FB may want to but can't, especially if your posting isn't simply to brag, but to share what you're doing with ALL your FB friends.