Cindyz Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 (edited) My son attends a morning school program two mornings per week. They have an assignment to bring home a stuffed animal and to write about the adventures the stuffed animal has while visiting our home. Some children included photos in the notebook and I took several to be included as well. This morning I was preparing them and my son was antagonizing the puppy while I was trying to get them ready. I asked him over and over to please stop and he just kept doing what he was doing. This is an ongoing theme lately (him not listening to what we ask him to do). I told him that if he did not stop, I would not have the time nor the inclination to print out the photos to go in the notebook. Not only did he not stop, but he became very rude and yelling and demanding. As of this moment, I am thinking that I am not going to print the photos. Of course he says he will not go to school if I don't. That's fine. He can stay home and do lessons here instead. This stuffed animal notebook was a really big thing to him that he was looking forward to for a long time and he was very excited about it. This makes me feel very guilty about not printing them out. Should I print out the photos for the notebook? (btw, he'll be 7 years old next week) Thanks for reading! ETA: Thank you all for the quick responses and laughs! The update is in post #11. http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3303193&postcount=11 Edited November 7, 2011 by Cindyz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meriwether Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 I wouldn't print them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 I'd still print them. It's for other children in the program and not just your son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 I told him that if he did not stop, I would not have the time nor the inclination to print out the photos to go in the notebook. Not only did he not stop, but he became very rude and yelling and demanding. I wouldn't. It is unfortunate, but it is the consequence you already told him would happen if he didn't stop. He didn't stop. I'd also sit down with him when he's calm and tell him very clearly: From now on, ________ will be the consequence for not stopping the first time you're asked. From no on, _________ will be the consequence for yelling and demanding. Extra chores or a time out in his room or loss of a privilege...whatever it is, choose something and stick with it every. single. time. :grouphug: Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 The problem is, you gave this as a consequence. You have two choices - follow through or apologize and give another consequence. I vote for follow through. (And in the future I would choose another consequence - like removing him from the puppy.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 I wouldn't print them. If that is the consequence to continuing unacceptable behaviour and they want to up the ante by not only continuing but being belligerent, the consequence stands and new ones are added. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 I think 6 is to young to accurately predict and eveluate the cost of the consequences. Next time I would just ground from the puppy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindergretta Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 I think 6 is to young to accurately predict and eveluate the cost of the consequences. Next time I would just ground from the puppy. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LidiyaDawn Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 He's only six. Separate him and the puppy, then figure out why he's acting out…hungry? bored? tired? Why is this "an ongoing theme lately"? Yes, print the pictures. Help him to finish his little assignment. [imagine this in high school… "You missed curfew, so now you don't get to finish your history paper" … ] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sophia Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 He's only six. Separate him and the puppy, then figure out why he's acting out…hungry? bored? tired? Why is this "an ongoing theme lately"? Yes, print the pictures. Help him to finish his little assignment. [imagine this in high school… "You missed curfew, so now you don't get to finish your history paper" … ] :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindyz Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 (edited) Thank you for all the input. We did separate him from the puppy, and that helped with that. It was the yelling and screaming and demanding afterward that was the turning point for me. I told him that if he didn't stop X might happen because my time would be used up talking to him about his behavior and moving him away from the puppy. As he was separated from the puppy, he began yelling about how I better print those photos or he wasn't going to school (funny thing here is that this program is for his enjoyment and enrichment, his core learning is really done at home). When separating him from the puppy, I was still planning to print them, but the yelling and demanding made me really feel that I should not do so. He's gone with Dad on his way now. I decided to print one photo of my choice for his notebook. This was still a consequence for him as he really wanted to include them all, and it still fulfilled the assignment. For the disrespectful behavior of yelling and demanding he lost his usual privileges for the day. As to why it is a theme lately, I don't know. He has ADHD and possible Aspberger's, and we go through things with him, work it out and then something else pops up. This is most likely just one of those things. His need for constant stimulation is sometimes hard to meet. Edited November 7, 2011 by Cindyz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 He's only six. Separate him and the puppy, then figure out why he's acting out…hungry? bored? tired? Why is this "an ongoing theme lately"? Yes, print the pictures. Help him to finish his little assignment. [imagine this in high school… "You missed curfew, so now you don't get to finish your history paper" … ] Imagine! lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love HSing Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 He's only six. Separate him and the puppy, then figure out why he's acting out…hungry? bored? tired? Why is this "an ongoing theme lately"? Yes, print the pictures. Help him to finish his little assignment. [imagine this in high school… "You missed curfew, so now you don't get to finish your history paper" … ] :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 The problem is, you gave this as a consequence. You have two choices - follow through or apologize and give another consequence. I vote for follow through. (And in the future I would choose another consequence - like removing him from the puppy.) :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 (snip) my son was antagonizing the puppy while I was trying to get them ready. I asked him over and over to please stop and he just kept doing what he was doing. (snip)I told him that if he did not stop, I would not have the time nor the inclination to print out the photos to go in the notebook. Not only did he not stop, but he became very rude and yelling and demanding. As of this moment, I am thinking that I am not going to print the photos. Of course he says he will not go to school if I don't. That's fine. He can stay home and do lessons here instead. This stuffed animal notebook was a really big thing to him that he was looking forward to for a long time and he was very excited about it. This makes me feel very guilty about not printing them out. Should I print out the photos for the notebook? (btw, he'll be 7 years old next week) Thanks for reading! No to printing the photos and an asboluste not on your life to letting him stay home. he needs to go to school and experience the consequences of his choice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 If that was the consequence you announced, then you need to follow through. However, why is he getting a "get out of school" pass? :001_huh: That's not a full consequence. He should go to school and then explain to his teacher why his assignment doesn't contain the photos. "I wasn't allowed to have them in the album because I didn't listen to my mother and was rude to her this morning." That would be a true consequence of disobedience and mouthing-off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindyz Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 If that was the consequence you announced, then you need to follow through. However, why is he getting a "get out of school" pass? :001_huh: That's not a full consequence. He should go to school and then explain to his teacher why his assignment doesn't contain the photos. "I wasn't allowed to have them in the album because I didn't listen to my mother and was rude to her this morning." That would be a true consequence of disobedience and mouthing-off. Oh he went to school. :) If he had refused, he would have stayed home and had no fun for sure. Since this school is voluntary, they won't let him stay if he was not cooperating. The assignment didn't require photos, btw. Most kids had photos, but some did not. He also hates...hates being late. So he didn't get the photos he wanted printed (I only printed one of my choice, and believe me he was not happy about this), he was late to class (which he hates), and he has no fun to look forward to this afternoon. It's actually quite a lot of consequences. I try not to have an entire day ruined by something that happens right away in the morning, but his yelling was out of the ordinary and I want to nip that in the bud right away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaSheep Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 I know I'm too late for today, but here's a strategy that has worked well with my Aspie son. Give him the consequence and then let him "earn" back the privileges with good behavior. For example, you could have said you've lost the pictures, but I'm willing to allow you to earn them back. I will print one picture for every [insert amount of time here -- 10-15 minutes might be good for a 6yo] that you demonstrate to me that you know how to behave properly. If there is no yelling, demanding things, or disrespectful words (be specific about what you want so he has a target to shoot for) I will print one picture for you when the timer rings. Then when the timer rings you follow up either way--if he was good, print the picture; if not, commiserate with him and tell him you're sure he can do it next time, and set the timer again. One advantage to this approach is that there is still a consequence, but then there is a motivation to improve. If you just take the privilege away, whatever it is, then an Aspie will generally see no reason to behave well, since he already lost the privilege. Another advantage is that it helps you get more mileage out of your "ammunition" supply. Aspies often have a limited number of consequences that they even really care about, and once you run out of things to take away there's nothing more you can do that will make any sort of an impression. If he earns the privileges back, you can take them away again the next time he acts up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindyz Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 I know I'm too late for today, but here's a strategy that has worked well with my Aspie son. Give him the consequence and then let him "earn" back the privileges with good behavior. For example, you could have said you've lost the pictures, but I'm willing to allow you to earn them back. I will print one picture for every [insert amount of time here -- 10-15 minutes might be good for a 6yo] that you demonstrate to me that you know how to behave properly. If there is no yelling, demanding things, or disrespectful words (be specific about what you want so he has a target to shoot for) I will print one picture for you when the timer rings. Then when the timer rings you follow up either way--if he was good, print the picture; if not, commiserate with him and tell him you're sure he can do it next time, and set the timer again. One advantage to this approach is that there is still a consequence, but then there is a motivation to improve. If you just take the privilege away, whatever it is, then an Aspie will generally see no reason to behave well, since he already lost the privilege. Another advantage is that it helps you get more mileage out of your "ammunition" supply. Aspies often have a limited number of consequences that they even really care about, and once you run out of things to take away there's nothing more you can do that will make any sort of an impression. If he earns the privileges back, you can take them away again the next time he acts up. Thank you Amy. I really appreciate the ideas. Black and white, predictable boundaries are definitely what works best for him, so ideas like this should work great. Also, now that I have had more time to reflect, I have to take some of the fall for this as things would have gone better had I printed them last night instead of waiting until this morning which did throw off our routine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In2why Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 I would print them and apologize for telling him that I was going to give him a consequence that I wasn't going to follow. BUT that there is a consequence for not listening to you and that means no ______________. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bbkaren Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 My son would've gotten a quick spat on the bare tush after my 2nd warning, and that would've been the end of it. But yeah, I know, I know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 One advantage to this approach is that there is still a consequence, but then there is a motivation to improve. If you just take the privilege away, whatever it is, then an Aspie will generally see no reason to behave well, since he already lost the privilege. Another advantage is that it helps you get more mileage out of your "ammunition" supply. Aspies often have a limited number of consequences that they even really care about, and once you run out of things to take away there's nothing more you can do that will make any sort of an impression. If he earns the privileges back, you can take them away again the next time he acts up. Oh my, BTDT. My Aspie son's worst years were ages 6 and 7. It was a hot mess! My son is VERY literal, which was more of a problem when he was very young. I had to clearly explain all expectations and then why these things were expected. He had to know why because of his logical, non-emotional approach to things. The only emotion that was heavily displayed was frustration and anger and he would have major meltdowns. I'm not saying he wasn't happy, but his expression of happiness would be interpreted as indifference to someone else. I was so happy when he outgrew those meltdowns. The only punishment that had any effect on him was moving his bedtime up. I had a 2-pocket piece of construction paper tacked to the wall. In one pocket I had sticks that said 10 min. on each one. If something was going on and he didn't pay attention to my 1 warning, I'd move one of those sticks to the other pocket. Near bedtime, I would count the sticks and take off 10 min. per stick. He had one really bad day where he had to go to bed like an hour early. That affected him profoundly and he never got more than 1 or 2 sticks after that. It only took a couple of weeks of that system and he didn't need it anymore. We spent a lot of time discussing the importance of calm words, so I guess it finally just sunk in. Oh, I didn't penalize him for his meltdowns. Those were way beyond his control. I had to learn his triggers and help him diffuse the situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 I think 6 is to young to accurately predict and eveluate the cost of the consequences. Next time I would just ground from the puppy. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 I'd still print them. It's for other children in the program and not just your son. :iagree:This... and do you really want him to melt down in front of the class because he doesn't have the photos? Not fair to the teacher or the class. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaSheep Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 Oh my, BTDT. My Aspie son's worst years were ages 6 and 7. It was a hot mess! My son is VERY literal, which was more of a problem when he was very young. I had to clearly explain all expectations and then why these things were expected. He had to know why because of his logical, non-emotional approach to things. The only emotion that was heavily displayed was frustration and anger and he would have major meltdowns. I'm not saying he wasn't happy, but his expression of happiness would be interpreted as indifference to someone else. I was so happy when he outgrew those meltdowns. The only punishment that had any effect on him was moving his bedtime up. I had a 2-pocket piece of construction paper tacked to the wall. In one pocket I had sticks that said 10 min. on each one. If something was going on and he didn't pay attention to my 1 warning, I'd move one of those sticks to the other pocket. Near bedtime, I would count the sticks and take off 10 min. per stick. He had one really bad day where he had to go to bed like an hour early. That affected him profoundly and he never got more than 1 or 2 sticks after that. It only took a couple of weeks of that system and he didn't need it anymore. We spent a lot of time discussing the importance of calm words, so I guess it finally just sunk in. Oh, I didn't penalize him for his meltdowns. Those were way beyond his control. I had to learn his triggers and help him diffuse the situation. I hear ya! My ds got a lot more pleasant starting at about age nine--which (not so) coincidentally was when we started homeschooling the boy. And bedtime is good currency around here too. I like the popsicle sticks idea. Makes it visible and concrete. And I agree with you that disciplining for meltdowns is useless and possibly cruel. If a child had an asthma attack you wouldn't punish him, you'd figure out the triggers and either avoid or prepare for them, and you'd give your child caring support, not tell him to knock it off and start breathing properly or you're taking away his Wii. Same kind of thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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