Spin off: Last names

[Alenee]

The thread from Joanne reminded me of what my dh told me last night.

 

He was at work talking with some of the people on shift. One of the ladies is of Asian decent and explained that when she and her dh married, he took her last name. She was in a group of men so they all asked, "Why???" She said his last name was Rice. She didn't want to become the butt of jokes being Asian and having Rice as her last name. She was laughing as she said it! :) I think I would've done the same thing!

 

So what about you? If you kept your name and/or your dh took your last name, what were the reasons behind this? Cleo said in her community it's not uncommon at all for the women to keep their names. Why does it happen in some communities and not others?

 

I'm intrigued by this.....There was no way I wasn't going to take my dh's name. My maiden name is associated with a pickle so I was very ready to have a new last name! lol!

[camibami]

I think even if my last name were "Buttkissky", I'd have kept it. Its MY NAME, you know? I guess I don't really get changing it in the first place. DH doesn't really get it, either. If he didn't want to change his (and most men don't), why should I want to change mine?

 

The kids have both, and they can keep both when they marry, drop one, take their husbands, I don't really care. But it was important to me that they have both names.

[Brindee]

I took my husband's last name. But the question reminds me of a friend I had in college. Her parents didn't THINK when they named her Sandra! Why? Because their last name was Beach.....so my friend grew up with the name Sandy Beach! She was sooooo tired of the little jokes about her name, and was sooooo ready to get married and take her husband's name and be done with it!

 

Well, she met someone and ended up marrying him....DESPITE his name! His last name was Bandy! No kidding! So her name ended up being Sandy Bandy! Fate is cruel sometimes! :D

[Alenee]

 

Well, she met someone and ended up marrying him....DESPITE his name! His last name was Bandy! No kidding! So her name ended up being Sandy Bandy! Fate is cruel sometimes! :D

 

LOL! That's priceless!!!

[Old Dominion Heather]

I think it has to be cultural/regional. Around here, central VA, it very unusual for husband and wife not to have the same last name. I only know of one family in fact who does this... and they moved here from up north.

 

If you don't have the same last name or kids don't have dad's last name it is seen as a signal that their bio-dad doesn't acknowledge that they are his, which is a common situation here as well.

 

It really is a sad cultural stereotype.

[Aubrey]

For me, dh's name was like a gift. I'd had so much trouble w/ my family, my dad in particular, & my mom was molested by *her* dad--to get to MY last name, you'd have to go back so many generations...I'd gotten to the point before we married that I'd considered picking a new last name & just changing it.

 

Then along comes this incredibly sweet man, who knows I need a family, & prays that God would somehow make me part of his. That his family would be a gift & a blessing to me. His name is rich w/ family & cultural (on a sm scale, lol) history. It can be traced back to Scotland, where even centuries ago, his clan was known for their family loyalty, just like they are now. Instead of being known by the local police, his family has parks & schools named after them. It's *honorable*--kwim? And that means a lot to both of us.

 

I know it's not like this for everyone, but for me, I'm SO glad to have dh's name. I feel like he's given me something precious, something that cost him & his family something over a long period of time.

[jmgconner]

I kept my maiden name and added my DH's last name, but without the hyphen. I have two last names. So many people are confused by it, but I feel strongly that I wanted to keep my maiden name and also recognize the marriage by taking DH's name.

 

DS #1 has a different last name. His middle name (the name he goes by) is my first last name. How's that for confusing?

 

For a while, DH and I thought about just making up a last name we both liked since he doesn't have a strong ties to his last name. We couldn't decide on a new name, so we just left it.

[Mama Lynx]

I kept my name. I use his name socially, but legally my name is my maiden name.

 

Why did I do it? I love my maiden name ... I don't really feel that changing my name makes my marriage any more of a marriage.

 

My sons have my husband's name. We used to say that if we had a daughter, she would have my name. But we never had a daughter, so ... :)

[Mama Lynx]

My Mom and her friends were all big Beatles fans. Her friends were all terribly jealous when she got married, because my Dad's last name is the same as a Beatle ;-)

[Heather in the Kootenays]

I married late and I'd had this name for many years and I just didn't see the point of changing it. It didn't help that as a woman in a male dominated field, the politics of names reveals huge amounts of discrimination. ie he's Mr. X, I'm Heather.

 

My kids have my name as well. My surname would be on the verge of extinction without them taking my name. My dad's siblings had no children, my sisters have no children - my kids are it.

 

I think the real reason is that to me convention just exists to be challenged. Give me a good reasons why I should and I might go along. Tell me it's because everyone else does it and my heels just automatically dig in. I certainly have seen no evidence that our family is weaker because of the names. My mother in law, however, has never gotten over it (and dd is now 16). She's still angry and says it makes us less of a family. This is despite the fact that her other 3 children went the conventional route and are now divorced. The girls all reverted to their birth name - now different from their children but for a different reason.

[Rich with Kids]

I took my ex's name and couldn't wait to get rid of it when we divorced. That was a happy day. I have since calmed down a bit and I'm proud my dc from that marriage still have that name. My ex FIL has been such a wonderful presence in their lives and that's part of who they are. When I married the second time, I, too, felt it was a gift and a privilege to take his name. I like to feel I'm his woman.

[Alenee]

I like to feel I'm his woman.

 

:iagree: Yep, that's me!

[Danestress]

For me, my names was very much part of who I am. I just couldn't imagine changing it.

 

In some cultures, names are changed when people make major life changes - they take a new name to acknowledge that change.

 

I think in the US we expect women to do that, but most men keep the same name from birth to death. I can see it both ways. In a way, it would be neat to take a new name that really reflected who I have become - a name I chose. But of course we don't do that in America and it would be culturally really weird and probably offensive to our parents if we did.

 

And while it seems cool to choose a name, I personally feel really attached to my name. It's just who I am. All my life, some people have called me by my last name rather than my first, but because it's kind of fun to say (apparently). Even one of my sons has started doing that - calling me by my last name instead of "Mom" - but just as a joke and in light hearted moments.

 

I just don't think I would feel like "me" if I changed my name, and I feel very married, so it's not that:)

[Dawn E]

We are all so different! Wouldn't it be rather boring if all our answers were the same?

 

I took Dh's last name without a second thought. In fact, I'd begun doodling my first name with his soon after I fell in love. :D I never saw it as a loss of myself, just a new beginning of sorts. I had no problem with my old last name, and we've given it to ds as a middle name.

[nmoira]

I changed my name, but it's a long story and nothing to do with tradition or patriarchy.

 

A friend of my not only kept her name, but also gave her child her last name because "anything that came out of her was going to have her name." :) I rather like her reasoning.

[Elaine]

I couldn't wait to take my husband's name! I want everyone to know that I am his and not taking his name never entered my mind.:001_smile:

 

 

FWIW, I really like my maiden name. My maiden name is Laffey and my H.S. nickname was Laffer.:lol:

 

 

ETA- This is no way means that a woman who does not take her husbands name loves him any less. Sorry. When I read my post it sounded a little self-righteous.

[Elaine]

I took my ex's name and couldn't wait to get rid of it when we divorced. That was a happy day. I have since calmed down a bit and I'm proud my dc from that marriage still have that name. My ex FIL has been such a wonderful presence in their lives and that's part of who they are. When I married the second time, I, too, felt it was a gift and a privilege to take his name. I like to feel I'm his woman.

 

Duh! I should have read your post! We feel the same way about our husbands!:D

[Colleen]

I have a horrid maiden name and my married last name isn't a picnic, either. I'd never given thought to the last name issue until I was actually married and it suddenly struck me how odd it was that all of a sudden, after 26 years of being this one name, I'd suddenly become another name. The concept of taking a man's last name to show the world that I am his doesn't resonate with me. So initially, I just kept using the name I'd used all those years. Not because I wanted to make a statement or loved the name (goodness no!), just because...it was my name.

 

After a few years and a couple of children, I started to feel like one family name just made more sense. If I didn't have children, I likely would have just kept on with my maiden name. But as a family, I do prefer having one family name, and from a cultural perspective, I'd rather have it be my husband's name.

[Liza Q]

I wanted to take my husband's name but I wasn't happy about giving up my maiden name. I also didn't like the idea of not signing my name with a nice, big *Q*, if that makes sense.

 

So, when I applied for a new SS card I changed my name from

 

Liza Cheryl Q(last name) to

Liza Q(last name) D(new last name).

 

I sign everything with the Q, have it in my user name most places online and I am so happy with it. Just that letter keeps me feeling like me!

 

And I am happy that we, as a family, all have the same last name. I like the family identity!

[Alenee]

I have a horrid maiden name and my married last name isn't a picnic, either. I'd never given thought to the last name issue until I was actually married and it suddenly struck me how odd it was that all of a sudden, after 26 years of being this one name, I'd suddenly become another name. The concept of taking a man's last name to show the world that I am his doesn't resonate with me. So initially, I just kept using the name I'd used all those years. Not because I wanted to make a statement or loved the name (goodness no!), just because...it was my name.

 

After a few years and a couple of children, I started to feel like one family name just made more sense. If I didn't have children, I likely would have just kept on with my maiden name. But as a family, I do prefer having one family name, and from a cultural perspective, I'd rather have it be my husband's name.

 

I was thinking about all the families that we spend time with. I thought "What would we say when we're spending time with this or that family?" My kids will ask, "Are the _________'s coming" They won't ask for each of them by first name. I don't have an opinion really on what another person wants their name to be but it sure does make it easier when everyone shares the same one.

[jail warden]

In our community our last name is incredibly common. I couldn't wait until I got married and would hopefully get a more unusual name. Ummm.... I didn't count on falling in love with a man who had the same last name as me!:001_huh: How funny is that! And no, we are NOT related!:tongue_smilie: What's really funny is that his mom's last name was the same as his dad's, and his grandpa(his dad's dad) also married a girl(his grandma obviously) with the same last name!!! I haven't gone back further, so who knows if it continued further than that! I can't wait to see who my ds marries to see if the tradition continues!!!

[elegantlion]

No one could ever spell my maiden name. Then I got married at 19 and divorced at 23. He assumed I'd go back to my maiden name, I wouldn't give back his name, I was being snarky. :D:D

 

So when I married dh I was ready to change my name. I thought it would be easier to spell. I still get asked how to spell this very common Irish name.

[Anne]

I wanted to take my husband's name but I wasn't happy about giving up my maiden name. I also didn't like the idea of not signing my name with a nice, big *Q*, if that makes sense.

 

So, when I applied for a new SS card I changed my name from

 

Liza Cheryl Q(last name) to

Liza Q(last name) D(new last name).

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

This is what I did. This is what my mother did. This is what my grandmother did. For a long time, I just assumed EVERYBODY did this!! ;)

 

Anne

[summer]

I kept my surname as well as my children have my maiden name. I am very very glad they do. We have nothing to do with my dh's family of his last name. My dh was adopted. We have a relationship with his birth family, but his adoptive mother always made it clear that he is nothing more than an adoptee. He owes them and he will never be able to do enough to repay them for "I wiped you @ss as a baby so you owe me." You get the idea. A lot of remarks that he would have ended up in a dumpster without them and so on. DH was adopted as a healthy white newborn. They are lucky to have him in my opinion and his birth mother sacrificed so much of herself so that MIL could be called "Mom"' and this is how DH gets treated over it. It really is so awful.

 

I am glad my children have my last name. DH's name was not awful, but my children do not even like my inlaws. My children say they are glad that they are not really a part of that family. Having my last name really reinforces that they are a part of my family. And how we know DH's birthfamily, DH has finally come to realize that he was given up out of love and because his birthmom really felt he was better off in an adoptive home with both a mom and a dad and thought that she was helping a family become parents and so on. DH actually never met his birthmom as she was quite sick when he was born and died a year later.

 

 

But back to the original question. I have known some people to give their children just awful last names, because they think they have to because that is the dad's last name. One name was Roach. Another name had a spelling that was a bad word but a different pronounciation as it was from an Asian culture. I knew a child in school growing up with the last name Butts and he was constantly ridiculed about it. The law says you can pick your name, your childrens last name too. Most people know this, yet, few people will vary from it regardless of the situation. I think as time goes by, people will become less hung up on sex roles and more realistic about effects of certain names and practicality and so on.

[Mama Lynx]

I was thinking about all the families that we spend time with. I thought "What would we say when we're spending time with this or that family?" My kids will ask, "Are the _________'s coming" They won't ask for each of them by first name. I don't have an opinion really on what another person wants their name to be but it sure does make it easier when everyone shares the same one.

 

No big deal. I have no trouble at all with people calling us "the (husbands lastnames)." I don't do this to make trouble for people, so however people feel comfortable calling us, or to keep it simple, is fine.

[*anj*]

I thought about keeping my name for awhile. I liked the sound of my names together, because they just flowed nicely.

I remember thinking "I've had this name for 28 years, I'm used to it and I like it."

 

But then I started to look at it differently. I thought "Well, I certainly hope to be married longer than 28 years, and if that happens I'll actually be Angela (Dh's name) longer than I was Angela (maiden name.) And now, 14 years later I feel so normal with this name. I like it. I like it that we all have the same name, it just feels cozy. And I like being Mrs. (blank). I like it very much, because whenever someone calls me that it really reminds me that I am married to such a great guy.

 

As for dh, he just let me work it out on my own. He told me that he would like for me to take his name, but that he would live with my choice. He knew/knows me well enough to realize that any kind of an ultimatum would result in a major digging in of heels on my part.

 

Please understand that nothing I've said is a reflection on anyone else's life in any way. I'm just sharing the way that I personally feel about it.

[homeschoolmom]

I kept my maiden name. DD has my surname as well. If we had had a son, he would have had DH's surname. Just to REALLY confuse things, right?

[homeschoolmom]

No big deal. I have no trouble at all with people calling us "the (husbands lastnames)." I don't do this to make trouble for people, so however people feel comfortable calling us, or to keep it simple, is fine.

 

 

:iagree: I feel the same way.

[tillie]

My father passed away prior to my wedding. I was still greiving hard and when the time came for me to decide about the "name change" issue, I decided that I needed to add a new phase to my life without trying to erase the previous one. So I essentially have two middle names now. No hypens. I don't use my maiden name other than in my heart. As the years go by and the kids get older, I love that we are a family unit. I love hearing us referred to as the __________ famly. It makes my heart dance!:party:

 

Several year down the road having my maiden name still on my Social Security card helped me prove my college degrees and professional credentials are really mine. A major hassle professionally has been avoided more than once due to that.

 

Great question! Hadn't thought about this issue in a long time.

[Krista in LA]

I didn't want to change my name and if I had to do it over again, I probably wouldn't. It was important to dh for me to take his name and being foolish and in love, I did. I loved my last name and it was very meaningful to me - there is even a road named after our family in the town we came from. My last name was a normal, but not overly common name that everyone could pronounce. Now I have an Italian last name that is never pronounced right and I have to spell it a few times for anyone to actually right it down correctly. The fact that I dislike his family and what they stand for, only makes it worse.

[Desert Rat]

I guess I'm just practical. My maiden name has 11 letters. It doesn't fit on most standardized forms. My dh's name has 6 letters. Just 6. I wound up with a sing-songy name but I like it. I didn't have to worry about my maiden name dying out as I have a brother and 8 male cousins!

[Jenny in Atl]

I'm hyphenated and sound like a law firm. :tongue_smilie:

At this point in my life, I wish I had not done so. I should have just picked one or the other.

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

well, since I had the 'honour' of being mentionned in the first post ;-), I'll bite.

 

In Quebec, the *law* was changed. A woman does not get her husband's name through marriage. That's it, that's all, end of discussion. Now, if a couple was really intent on that naming thing, they can just go through the normal procedure for changing a name. Lots of paperwork, and I think it costs 500$. But other than that, a marriage does not change your identity, ever.

 

When the law got changed, it brought up the problem of naming the kids. The law states that kids can have either name or a hyphenated name, or any hybrid name the parents can come up with, as long as it has syllables from the parents' last names. The generation that's about 10 years younger than me all have hyphenated last names. To top it off, it was during a trend of hyphenated first names too! So they ended up with silly names like 'Sophie-Marianne Tremblay-Dupont' (made up name, no one I know has that specific name...) Now, finally, the trend is to avoid hyphens.

 

Btw, I don't know many women here who would claim they are their husband's woman! In fact, it is culturally shocking to hear this (but hey, it's not my only culture shock on this board... ) To be a "man's woman" would actually point to street gang activity. The general attitude is that we're partners, we do not belong to each other, and the partnership is only as good as both partners want it. In fact, the law on marriage clearly states the only legal requirement is sharing one roof, and nothing else! If we live apart for 2 years, we are automatically separated unless one does paperwork to keep the couple official. Divorce is way too easy, if you ask me, but that's the state of my 'distinct society'.:tongue_smilie:

[Sandy in Indy]

I took my husband's last name. But the question reminds me of a friend I had in college. Her parents didn't THINK when they named her Sandra! Why? Because their last name was Beach.....so my friend grew up with the name Sandy Beach! She was sooooo tired of the little jokes about her name, and was sooooo ready to get married and take her husband's name and be done with it!

 

Well, she met someone and ended up marrying him....DESPITE his name! His last name was Bandy! No kidding! So her name ended up being Sandy Bandy! Fate is cruel sometimes! :D

 

Oh...I can relate to that. My maiden name was a synonym for "butt." I was completely ready to take my dh's last name!

[Karenciavo]

I took my dh's name, I was ready to move from the end of the alphabet to near the beginning :D

[Oak Knoll Mom]

I just added my husband's last name to my own. If someone asks me my last name I say B****, but anytime I write it I write Robin G**** B*****.

 

The reason, though, that I added to this thread, is my friend's cousin and her husband both had odd last names. On their wedding invitation, they wrote, "After the wedding, John and Mary will be known as Mr. and Mrs. Fairchild."

[chiguirre]

I never had any name issues until we moved to Texas. In Boston it was very common to keep your maiden name and in Latin America you absolutely have to keep your name and tack on "de XXXXXX". If you don't have 2 last names you might cause some computerized or bureaucratized system to slip a cog ;). Our kids have both last names on their foreign documents and dh's last name on American ones and it's worked out fine.

 

Strangely enough, in Latin America having the same last name as your mother has the exact same social implications that NOT having the same last name as your mother has in Texas. On hs sign up stuff I've taken to signing things Julianna de XXXX, something I thought I would NEVER do. My Venezuelan friends are highly amused by the whole thing since this is something that 80 year old women do :glare:.

[Jenny in Atl]

I never had any name issues until we moved to Texas. In Boston it was very common to keep your maiden name and in Latin America you absolutely have to keep your name and tack on "de XXXXXX". If you don't have 2 last names you might cause some computerized or bureaucratized system to slip a cog ;). Our kids have both last names on their foreign documents and dh's last name on American ones and it's worked out fine.

 

Strangely enough, in Latin America having the same last name as your mother has the exact same social implications that NOT having the same last name as your mother has in Texas. On hs sign up stuff I've taken to signing things Julianna de XXXX, something I thought I would NEVER do. My Venezuelan friends are highly amused by the whole thing since this is something that 80 year old women do :glare:.

 

I loved some the Mayan names in Guatemala, they were three, sometimes four long. You could really sense their history through the family names.

[*anj*]

On their wedding invitation, they wrote, "After the wedding, John and Mary will be known as Mr. and Mrs. Fairchild."

 

So you mean that it was as if their names had been John Strange and Mary Bizarre and after the wedding they were called The Fairchilds?

 

Wow.

 

How did the family react to that?

 

We knew a guy whose last name was (something like) La Monjelo and while still in school he legally changed it to LeMond. I still don't think his father has forgiven him.

[Brigitte]

My maiden name is very French and my married name is very German. Since my first name is a common french and german name, I went from very French to very German. Growing up, people would ask me if I was French and now they ask me if I am German.

[Oak Knoll Mom]

So you mean that it was as if their names had been John Strange and Mary Bizarre and after the wedding they were called The Fairchilds?

 

Wow.

 

How did the family react to that?

 

We knew a guy whose last name was (something like) La Monjelo and while still in school he legally changed it to LeMond. I still don't think his father has forgiven him.

 

You got it. I know her last name was Stoner and I can't remember his last name, but when I heard it, I could understand why they did it! I don't know how the family reacted. I know my cousin and her husband thought it was a good thing!

[LibraryLover]

I took my dh's name, and it's a very ethnic one. (He was not born in the US) . It has it's good point. The good being that if people blink too hard over it, they are suspect. If you cant deal with it, we like knowing right off. :bigear:

[3lilreds in NC]

I took dh's last name. It seemed important at the time, to show him that I was proud to be his wife. It was certainly traditional in my family, at least, for the woman to take the husband's name.

 

I wish, wish, wish I'd kept my maiden name. I know that most people looking at dh's family would consider them to be pillars of the community and all that, but.... let's just say I know them up close and personally and would prefer not to share a last name. Plus, I *liked* my maiden name. And, when our marriage was seriously on the rocks, I considered taking my maiden name back - probably just to be snarky but I remember thinking how good it would feel not to have his last name. :)

 

However, I am glad that my little family and I all have the same last name. It does save a lot of confusion.

[kat19]

and I really like my maiden name, but never thought about keeping it.

So my last son has my maiden name as his middle name :001_smile: Hubby didn't like it at first but I wanted it that way and I don't think it sounds bad.

My maiden name and married name are very common names anyway :001_smile:

[DIY-DY]

If you've read any of my posts about "The Aunts", you know they're a fun, quirky group. Aunt B has a fairly unique name. She married Uncle Fred, whose last name is only one letter different - it's got a "g" smack in the middle of it. The pronunciation is virtually identical for both names. Her reasoning for keeping her last name was that she wouldn't have minded changing her name, but she just wasn't going to go through all that paperwork for one little letter that most people won't notice, anyway. :)

 

For us, I took DH's name. I'm good w/ cultural norms, in many instances, and this was one of them. I like the connotations that we (DH and I) have that accompany it. I like being "Mr & Mrs E". It makes me smile. We're family. I'm still Dy, and he's still Zorak (er, C---), but we're "the E's".

 

Obviously (er, at least to those who know us IRL :tongue_smilie:), we don't care if our friends have the same last name, different last names, last names they refuse to utter, or names we can't pronounce... doesn't matter. Friends are friends, no matter what they go by. Family is family, no matter what they're called. What makes a family close, or gives a couple warm-fuzzies, or adds to their life-building is different for everybody. For DH and I, sharing a name felt like a natural extension of us starting our family, a natural connection of our life together. We're good with it. We're good with those who see it differently. It's all good. :D

[Kate in Arabia]

I took dh's name when we got married, I guess mostly because we were going through the naturalization process for him and I thought it would look fishy if I didn't :tongue_smilie: Now I would like to change back, but don't want to go through the hassle. I may the next time my passport comes up for renewal...

 

I was getting info on dh's family tree last year when we visited India.. they had a family name but, like, four generations back somebody started being called by his profession (so, for example, his name was Jones but everyone called him Baker because that's what he was). And that "profession name" became the family name. I just thought it was odd, because the profession name is our family name now too, and just the fact that something small can change things for a huge number of people down the line.. I guess it happened in other cultures as well, just struck me.. and of course really surprised my dad who is big into geneology, lol..

[Kate CA]

It means a great deal to me to have my dh's name. I love that we are the K****** family and that our children have his heritage in their name. It is an old name and there is great history there. I had no huge love for my maiden name and was not attached to it. I couldn't wait to have his name and liked it much better than my maiden one. I feel like it is an honor to be "one" and it is very special to me. :) These are my feelings towards my own name. No judgments applied to others. :)

[Alenee]

The couple changing to the Fairchild's reminded me of a friend I still have from grade school. His last name was Bails. People would make fun of him and call him "bails of hay" or say "hey bails!" It drove him crazy and since he hated his deadbeat dad anyway he went through the process of changing. His middle name was Lewis so he just went with that and doesn't have a middle name anymore.

 

The funniest thing happened after that. I named my first dd Bailey. He heard someone say to her "Hey Bails!" and just about freaked! LOL! Poor guy...

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

:iagree:

 

This is what I did. This is what my mother did. This is what my grandmother did. For a long time, I just assumed EVERYBODY did this!! ;)

 

Anne

 

and I didn't mind giving up my plain middle name. One son has the first born middle name of all the first born males in his family for the last six generations. The other son has my maiden name as his middle name. I feel like we both honored our families this way.

 

K

 

:iagree:

[*anj*]

 

I like the connotations that we (DH and I) have that accompany it. I like being "Mr & Mrs E". It makes me smile. We're family. I'm still Dy, and he's still Zorak (er, C---), but we're "the E's".

 

 

 

I love this. Yup, this is exactly what I was trying to say.

(I loved and agreed with what you said about family and warm fuzzies and all kinds of friends too, but I thought it was better to trim the quote more.)