Audrey Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Fill in the asterisk with whatever consonant best fits. I'm incredibly angry at the moment. It takes a lot to get me to this, but there is a relative who has pushed me to the edge. He will NOT stay out of our business (farm business and personal life), and continues to push and push in completely unacceptable ways. Today was the very last straw. It needs to said to this person that they are no longer welcome to ask about any aspect of our business and certainly never were allowed to make any decisions nor take any actions upon our behalf. Without going into more details, that is all I can say to that. But... this is a close relative. He's done this to other family members and they've all but shut him out of their lives. It is harder for us since we live so close to him. The other all live a significant distance away. I'm to the very edge of verbally ripping him in two. I'm talking about going full hard-core Southern all over his patootie. I don't want to do that because once done, there is no going back from that. This is seriously not a vent, or a JAWM post. I'd like some advice on how you would handle this, because I cannot think with reason at the moment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Well, when I am pissed off, I tell myself not to make any major decisions until I calm down...then I can make a sane choice on whether to rip someone a new neckline or not. Sometimes, I write that person a nice long letter telling them exactly what I think of them...and then throw it in the wood stove. Now, this person is related...and is living close by....so, I would probably do both....THEN, make my boundary clear in a totally calm manner.....maybe take some valerian or a stiff drink before talking to said person...and don't let them get you off point...or let them make you flip your nut. :grouphug::grouphug: Sorry you are dealing with a butt head. I have a few of them around here too. Faithe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Go it Audrey! Plain and simple, go jump in the lake. I wish you could have met my Dad and seen how he handled this type of junk. That dude was fierce. When I had something really difficult to do or confront, I'd wear one of his shirts under my own, or at least slip it on while I made a phone call or whatever it was. I just pretended I was him. Psyched myself right now. Remember how good it feels once you put closure on this, how strong and clear life becomes after you settled the score. Journal about it. Create a family legend. Be great! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Maybe give yourself some cooling down time? You could arrange a time to see the person in a few days. Or possibly say it in writing, and read over what you've written in a day or two before giving it to the person. Or work out a script for what you want to say, and stick to the main points so that you set the boundaries without the conversation degenerating. (Not sure exactly what 'full hard-core Southern all over his patootie' entails, but it doesn't sound pleasant!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Do you do anything without being a complete witch? ;) As for the other consonant, who cares? As long as you leave out name-calling and swearing and deliberate hurtfulness, whether or not you're a *itch is a matter of the other person's perception. I think "You are no longer welcome to ask about any aspect of our business and certainly never were allowed to make any decisions nor take any actions upon our behalf," is dandy. People with very poor boundaries often need things spelled out directly and clearly. If the person chooses to be offended....*shrug*....their problem. At that point, that person needs to decide how to handle his or her end. :grouphug: Deep breath. Talk to this person when you're calm. Keep it short and simple and direct. All you can do is be honest. Either they'll deal with it, or they won't. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parker Martin Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 If the guy needs boundaries, a good verbal fight might be just the thing to establish them. The key, I think, is to limit oneself to saying what needs to be said, and not taking advantage of being angry to slip in some unnecessary cutting and hurtful things. The tongue is a weapon that can wound deeply and should be wielded carefully. ETA: If you're so angry that you're afraid you won't be able to keep it together in a verbal confrontation, you could write a letter and hand it to him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Write your letter in notepad. Save it, close it. Come back in 24 hours and delete any sentences that you would be embarrassed if they were forwarded to your granny/published in the paper/etc. Then send it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 If the guy needs boundaries, a good verbal fight might be just the thing to establish them. The key, I think, is to limit oneself to saying what needs to be said, and not taking advantage of being angry to slip in some unnecessary cutting and hurtful things. The tongue is a weapon that can wound deeply and should be wielded carefully. ETA: If you're so angry that you're afraid you won't be able to keep it together in a verbal confrontation, you could write a letter and hand it to him. :iagree: The fact that you were able to come here and post first shows how self controlled you are, I would have already chewed him out and come here to post about it after the fact. :lol: It sounds like this is a pattern of him, and I think with someone like that there is no gentle or kind way to make it. You have to be blunt and in your face about it, outlining the boundries and letting them know the consequences for breaking those boundries would result in the family cutting off contract with him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Do you do anything without being a complete witch? ;) As for the other consonant, who cares? As long as you leave out name-calling and swearing and deliberate hurtfulness, whether or not you're a *itch is a matter of the other person's perception. I think "You are no longer welcome to ask about any aspect of our business and certainly never were allowed to make any decisions nor take any actions upon our behalf," is dandy. People with very poor boundaries often need things spelled out directly and clearly. If the person chooses to be offended....*shrug*....their problem. At that point, that person needs to decide how to handle his or her end. :grouphug: Deep breath. Talk to this person when you're calm. Keep it short and simple and direct. All you can do is be honest. Either they'll deal with it, or they won't. Cat :iagree: Nothing to add. Perfect response. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Do you do anything without being a complete witch? ;) As for the other consonant, who cares? As long as you leave out name-calling and swearing and deliberate hurtfulness, whether or not you're a *itch is a matter of the other person's perception. I think "You are no longer welcome to ask about any aspect of our business and certainly never were allowed to make any decisions nor take any actions upon our behalf," is dandy. People with very poor boundaries often need things spelled out directly and clearly. If the person chooses to be offended....*shrug*....their problem. At that point, that person needs to decide how to handle his or her end. :grouphug: Deep breath. Talk to this person when you're calm. Keep it short and simple and direct. All you can do is be honest. Either they'll deal with it, or they won't. Cat Cat, how do you always say what I want to say, so much better than I can?? Can I be like you? And obviously I :iagree: with what you said....and how you said it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I agree with the above. The only thing I'd add is a consult with dh. I would want his input because it's his business too. If the confrontation will make his life much harder, I'd temper my conversation a little. I would write the letter with all emotion attached, then I would edit with a business mindset. If said person is affecting your business it absolutely needs to be addressed. Remember Steve Jobs was once fired from Apple, I bet no one wanted to have that conversation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6packofun Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Well, do you still want to have *any* relationship with the guy? If so, if you're willing to try, then state it like what you want to happen (and not happen) is for the purpose of being able to maintain a relationship. For example, you could say, "Bob, we're growing increasingly uncomfortable with the questions you're asking about our business and that's not an area where we're willing to bend. It's too important to us. We want to continue having a relationship, but our business is off limits in order for that to happen." You might also point out, if it wouldn't be too *itchy, haha, that he may notice the lack of other family relationships in his life and that you're giving him a chance to remedy that in YOUR case. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Talk to your dh first, get his input. Depending on the personality involved, I've found that some men tend to be dismissive of a woman setting boundaries (she must be PMSing!), whereas a unitied front with you AND your dh would be listened to. Reason I say this is that I think if he gave you any 'poor little woman is having hormone issues' attitude, I'd be reading about you in the paper. Prefer not to do that. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 If this is how this family member acts with everyone, why can't you be a complete witch??? I think you should go all pagan-y on him and just start smudging when he comes over. :D Light a big bunch of sage and smudge the heck outta him!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 If he's going to think you're a b*tch, he just is, and there's nothing you can do about it. He needs to be told. I agree with cooling off and then giving him what for. Somebody needs to tell him straight up what's going on. Go get 'em, girl! You can always "bless his heart" later. Well, heck, I'll just do it for you now. Bless his heart! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Might you start with a gentle re-cap of how others in the family have been alienated. You are never too old for the "dawn to come up". If that doesn't work, I'd be as direct and cool as possible. I do this in writing, so I can be precise and not deflected. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FO4UR Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Speak bluntly. After the smoke has cleared you can work on being the bigger person.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FairyMom Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 I agree with calming down and talking to dh, since he's your best friend. It always helps to clear my head and think better after I talk things out with mine. After that, I would definitely make a plan on how to tell him to "butt out." Only you know if it will matter if the relationship is worth saving, or if this is a good breaking point for it. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I understand! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celticmom Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 I would imagine that a certain level of bluntness will be required if multiple members of this person's family have already shut him out of their lives and he has not gotten the hint. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 The tongue is a weapon that can wound deeply and should be wielded carefully. Thanks for that, Parker. I copied it down. That is just great! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 In general, I wouldn't discuss anger, feelings, history, or other family members. I would state that he isn't allowed around your family anymore because you need to protect them from x. Whatever it is. If you're at the point of cutting all ties, there's not much to discuss anymore anyway. An email might suffice. It sounds like he's going to think you're a b***** anyway, because he doesn't want to take personal responsibility for his actions. So don't let his opinion be a factor. Just make sure that you are able to look back and say you behaved with dignity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 If, once you've calmed down, you want to keep the relationship, I would start with that fact and make it clear that you love him, but things can't go on because otherwise the relationship will have to end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 one easy phrase? Like any questions he asks that are even arguably personal will be answered with, "You don't need to worry about that." Then if he persists, the same exact phrase, over and over and over. Rinse, repeat. Then you don't need to go psycho on him, you just need to use your "approved" phrase as many times as necessary, and he hears it from any one he asks questions of (you, your DH, your employees, etc). I like to know exactly what to say, and what to say in response to what I say, so something like this works for me because one easy phrase ("that's none of your business," "you don't need to worry about that," "I am not going to answer that question") is all I need. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoggirl Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 I really have nothing to add except that I feel your pain. Will be around a boundary-less in-law this weekend. :glare: He will think you are a *itch. Heck, he probably already does. You cannot control what other people think or do. You can only control how you react to them. I have no doubt he will somehow twist your words, get you off-topic, blame you for the situation, etc. etc. Those types are awfully good at that. Say your peace and don't engage in any of those.....oh, phooey! What is the logic term I am looking for?!?!?! I can't think of the word! You know what I mean! Good luck, Southern sister! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Life is busy enough without family causing trouble. since you want to take less extreme measures than burning a bridge, here are some suggestions. Hopefully they will help. You can't teach a pig to sing - so put distance between you and the pig. ripping into him will only make him angry and he'll have no idea what prompted it - no matter how carefully you explain it. Obnoxious people are actually just persecuted you know. they are just so longsuffering and only trying to be helpful . . . . (/sarc) iow - limit how much time the relative is in your home. Do not invite them over unless you truly want them there (or feel obligated because it's someones BD). if they like to drop by thinking they have free reign, you will probably have to preface it with "I'm so sorry to inconvienence you (your nose will not grow), but I need you to call before coming" and do not let them in your house. No ifs, ands, or buts. if they drop by anyway - I'm sorry, this is a really bad time. You need to come back later and show them the way out. again, do not offer an explaination. also limit the amount of time on the phone - you don't have to tell them you are limiting them. I have one relative who hit my wall, and my contact was subsequently limited to a 15 minute phone call once a week. unless she was really obnoxious, and then I'd say goodbye and hang up. and holidays. sigh. If you have to change locks (or have them rekeyed), it's expensive but beats the alternative of having them walk into your house. best of luck on finding something that helps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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