What would you think of this?

[cindergretta]

Let's say your teen was involved in a group that had a total of maybe 13 - 15 teens in it. They are together regularly for meetings and events, multiple times a week. The parents all know each other and chat during these things, but by no means all socialize and hang out together or anything.

 

Now lets say one of the parent leaders of this group decided it would be cool if all the kids (maybe families?) donated to a specific cause during a period when many others are also focusing on this cause and donating. Maybe she also decides all the participants should wear a specific piece of apparal (all of a sudden, I can't spell that word!) that she will order and bill everyone for. She wants it all to be very uniform, so all the kids are supposed to participate in the wearing of the article.

 

Then she sends out an email saying it is the last weekend to donate and lists the members who have donated, thanking them, and reminding everyone there is still time to get her the money, in the amount of $-- suggested donation. (In addition to paying for the aforementioned article of apparal.)

 

To further complicate the issue, lets say you support the cause wholeheartedly, but have serious, and fundamental, issues with the specific organization which will receive the group donation.

 

Would you donate? Would you not donate and explain why? Would you pay for the apparal item? Allow/insist your teen wear it? Do you feel it is appropriate to list the families who have donated, leaving it obvious who hasn't donated? Is this appropriate?

 

Thoughts?

[Janie Grace]

If I had "serious, fundamental issues" with the organization then no, I would not donate to it. I probably wouldn't explain why to everyone, not wanting it to seem that I am lecturing those who do feel good about the organization. I'd just refrain from giving and let it go.

 

That said, I'd be pretty ticked off at the parent who decided this "group giving" thing was a good idea. That feels like someone else manipulating others into donating with teen peer pressure. That really bothers me. If you want to give $ to something, great -- but why does it have to be a big "we're all doing it, look we're wearing the T-shirt to prove it!" thing? That kind of display seems really cheesy and insincere to me, not to mention (in this case) manipulative.

[AK_Mom4]

I don't donate to causes that I don't support. I would not feel any need to explain - I just would not donate.

 

As far as the apparel item, if my teen wanted to wear it to show solidarity with the group and it wasn't offensive, I would consider buying it. But if my teen could care less or did not particularly want it, I would save my $$$.

[kalanamak]

 

Would you donate? Would you not donate and explain why? Would you pay for the apparal item? Allow/insist your teen wear it? Do you feel it is appropriate to list the families who have donated, leaving it obvious who hasn't donated? Is this appropriate?

 

Thoughts?

 

Wow, that is intriguing. I'd let my teen know s/he could spend her own money on this, but not mine. I'd be peeved that one person took this on, but perhaps the teens all thought about it and voted to do it en masse.

 

I'd watch this person carefully, and see if s/he is getting "too pushy" with such things, and *then* I'd discuss it. I grew up in a town of SAHM who seemed to get their boredom/ya-yas/energies out by promoting their interests untiringly, and make all the "stuck in the muds", like my non- rah rah mother, out to be lazy, unenlightened numbskulls. I loathed them and their snobby daughters. But I digress. :)

[cindergretta]

The item is being ordered for each member, regardless. Then each family is to be billed on the financial spreadsheet, kwim? There is no "choice" in that aspect.

 

Good point about explaining. Theoretically, if this were to be actually going on ;) , no one would intend to cause anyone discomfort over supporting the organization. That would be bad form, and kind sour, too. Poor form indeed!

[cindergretta]

Wow, that is intriguing. I'd let my teen know s/he could spend her own money on this, but not mine. I'd be peeved that one person took this on, but perhaps the teens all thought about it and voted to do it en masse.

 

I'd watch this person carefully, and see if s/he is getting "too pushy" with such things, and *then* I'd discuss it. I grew up in a town of SAHM who seemed to get their boredom/ya-yas/energies out by promoting their interests untiringly, and make all the "stuck in the muds", like my non- rah rah mother, out to be lazy, unenlightened numbskulls. I loathed them and their snobby daughters. But I digress. :)

 

First - :lol: !!!!

 

Secondly, there has been no impression of a vote among the teens. ::think::

 

There is also the possibility that this same type of thing has happened in a very similar group geared toward younger children, tween aged. Different parent leader, but same type of thing - one person making a unilateral decision for the group and thus, spending other peoples' money without their say so. (Twice in one month! Going for a record! Two kids, two groups, two parents with too much time to come up with GREAT ideas while seeking no input, lol!)

[Little Nyssa]

What does your teen think about it?

And, is there a possibility of saying, we support this cause and we will contribute the same amount to charity Y which supports the same cause instead?

[Margo out of lurking]

Would you donate? Would you not donate and explain why? Would you pay for the apparal item? Allow/insist your teen wear it? Do you feel it is appropriate to list the families who have donated, leaving it obvious who hasn't donated? Is this appropriate?

 

Thoughts?

 

I see the ages of your two oldest children, and I'd wonder why the other parent was getting involved in the kids' business, particularly MY kid's business. (I'm watching apostrophes here, carefully avoiding killing kids.)

 

Our two oldest are the same age. Because I take a much more "hands off" approach to my dd at this point, I'd let my dd decide if she wanted to wear the clothing. If so, I'd pay for the clothing but not donate further to the cause. I'm thinking my dd would be really annoyed by another parent's interference.

 

No, the mom listing who has paid and who has not is not appropriate, but based on what you wrote, I don't think her involvement is appropriate in any way.:confused:

[Parrothead]

The item is being ordered for each member, regardless. Then each family is to be billed on the financial spreadsheet, kwim? There is no "choice" in that aspect.

 

Good point about explaining. Theoretically, if this were to be actually going on ;) , no one would intend to cause anyone discomfort over supporting the organization. That would be bad form, and kind sour, too. Poor form indeed!

Um. No. Sorry, there is always a choice. No one has the right to tell you how to spend your money. You do not have to participate in the purchase of clothing articles or financially supporting a cause you do not feel comfortable supporting.

 

This person has taken too much upon his/herself and needs to get a grip on reality. I would not pay for so much as a pair of socks if it is something I did not have say-so in purchasing.

[asta]

Let's say your teen was involved in a group that had a total of maybe 13 - 15 teens in it. They are together regularly for meetings and events, multiple times a week. The parents all know each other and chat during these things, but by no means all socialize and hang out together or anything.

 

Now lets say one of the parent leaders of this group decided it would be cool if all the kids (maybe families?) donated to a specific cause during a period when many others are also focusing on this cause and donating. Maybe she also decides all the participants should wear a specific piece of apparal (all of a sudden, I can't spell that word!) that she will order and bill everyone for. She wants it all to be very uniform, so all the kids are supposed to participate in the wearing of the article.

 

Then she sends out an email saying it is the last weekend to donate and lists the members who have donated, thanking them, and reminding everyone there is still time to get her the money, in the amount of $-- suggested donation. (In addition to paying for the aforementioned article of apparal.)

 

To further complicate the issue, lets say you support the cause wholeheartedly, but have serious, and fundamental, issues with the specific organization which will receive the group donation.

 

Would you donate? Would you not donate and explain why? Would you pay for the apparal item? Allow/insist your teen wear it? Do you feel it is appropriate to list the families who have donated, leaving it obvious who hasn't donated? Is this appropriate?

 

Thoughts?

 

No. To all of it. And let me tell you why.

 

Kid belonged to a youth group. It was run by our church. Fine. The group leaders decided that the kids would have a march to protest ____ to show how committed to ______ they were.

 

Ok. Although that particular position was perfectly in keeping with the tenets of our faith, no one asked THE PARENTS if they were comfortable having their MINOR children involved in a PROTEST march.

 

It had nothing to do with the subject matter (which we didn't have a problem with - nor does it sound like you do); it had to do with the MANNER in which they breached the subject.

 

Had the leaders said "hey, we're thinking about doing this, what do all of the ADULTS think about it?" I'm sure most of them would have been fine with it. Our family doesn't participate in ANY type of public activities due to some very specific reasons that are no ones business. What is worse - the people who planned this event should have known that MANY of the people in the group are in the same situation as we are.

 

But no one asked.

 

So what happened? Several of the kids simply didn't go. And then the rest of them wanted to know why, and the kids felt stupid trying to answer them. It's only made worse because ALL of them have the dang T-shirt! (it was purchased by the Church, not the group)

 

It sounds like it is time for a sit down with whomever is in charge of the group. Or it's time to bail out.

 

 

a

Edited October 8, 2011 by asta

[pqr]

No I would not donate and I would have no problem explaining exactly why.,

 

As to the clothing, the answer is the same.

[gardenmom5]

Would you donate? Would you not donate and explain why? Would you pay for the apparal item? Allow/insist your teen wear it? Do you feel it is appropriate to list the families who have donated, leaving it obvious who hasn't donated? Is this appropriate?

 

Thoughts?

heck no, what this woman is doing is extortion (even if "she" is not personally gaining by her shennanigans). I would also send a reply all e-mail about how I choose what organizations I donate to and that when I do, I prefer to be anonymous because I am do not donate to causes to impress other people. Besides, my children are not bilboards.

[gardenmom5]

The item is being ordered for each member, regardless. Then each family is to be billed on the financial spreadsheet, kwim? There is no "choice" in that aspect.

 

Good point about explaining. Theoretically, if this were to be actually going on ;) , no one would intend to cause anyone discomfort over supporting the organization. That would be bad form, and kind sour, too. Poor form indeed!

 

I'd refuse to pay it. It is not part of a uniform, it is not part of the necessary items associate with the group, it was purely her own choice. she can eat the cost as far as I'm concerned.

[Teachin'Mine]

I don't donate to causes that I don't support. I would not feel any need to explain - I just would not donate.

 

As far as the apparel item, if my teen wanted to wear it to show solidarity with the group and it wasn't offensive, I would consider buying it. But if my teen could care less or did not particularly want it, I would save my $$$.

 

:iagree: If it's a cause that you've already donated to, I might mention that to the "organizer" to help the issue drop without having to go into what I thought of the whole thing. Yes, it's horrible to list those who donated and thereby highlighting those who haven't. Very poorly done all around.

[brendag]

I think it is very rude to just assume people are going to donate. Some people actually have budgets and may not have the extra cash. Even if I had the cash, I would let her know in private that posting who has donated publicly may put people in a very awkward position. Maybe that wasn't her intention and she just needs it mentioned to her so it hopefully doesn't happen in the future.

 

One thing I support is scouting, but I can't buy from every scout that comes to my door or I would be broke! I need money for books too! :001_smile:

 

Brenda

[Murphy101]

No.

And if I was made to feel guilty or lazy or whatever negative for it - we likely would not stay in the group.:glare:

[Snickerdoodle]

and I'd wonder why the other parent was getting involved in the kids' business, <snip> I don't think her involvement is appropriate in any way.

:iagree:

[Snickerdoodle]

I think that if someone decides to take a stand against this, it is going to get ugly.

 

Sometimes, though, it's good for a teen to learn the lesson of having good boundaries and not following someone else's vision just because they feel coerced into doing it. Let the chips fall where they may, and life goes on.

[Murphy101]

I think that if someone decides to take a stand against this, it is going to get ugly.

 

Sometimes, though, it's good for a teen to learn the lesson of having good boundaries and not following someone else's vision just because they feel coerced into doing it. Let the chips fall where they may, and life goes on.

 

:iagree:

[FiveOaksAcademy]

I'd say no to the donations and the t-shirts. I have issues about a particular cause right now as well. I deeply and strongly support the "greater" cause, but disagree with this sub-group of the particular cause and cannot donate to it for the same reasons. If it were me in that situation, I'd have to just tell them my feelings and say we don't want t-shirts or to give money to it. That mom is crossing some boundaries, imo.

[ktgrok]

Ok, my middle of the road suggestion is to do this:

 

Pay for the shirt, but nicely say something like "If we are going to do group purchases it would be a good idea to give people more information before the purchase is made, and give them the ability to opt out if need be. With the economy these days we probably shouldn't make these things mandatory." Smile sweetly while saying it.

 

As for the donation, again, nicely, "Oh, we think that cause is SO important. But we prefer to give to such and such organization, so I'm going to send them our check. Thanks for organizing this!" And I would send that via the regular email list, so every one sees it :)

 

Oh, and maybe, send an email to the leader saying, "The list of who donated went to the whole group...I'm not sure if you meant to do that. I know the donations are not mandatory, and it could be embarrassing to people...do you think we should keep the finanacial aspect of this private?"

[Sahamamama]

I don't have teens at this point (whew!), but this reminds me of a situation I dealt with in junior high when I was in the stage band.

 

Our stage band would often travel to give concerts or participate in competitions in the state. When we were out for the day, we'd stop for lunch at this certain pizza place (I think the music teacher, Mrs. A., had connections with the restaurant owner). Anyway, there I was, the only girl with a bunch of junior high boys, who were guzzling pitchers of soda and eating entire pizzas.... and Mrs. A. had it all put on the "group bill."

 

My family wasn't rich, exactly. I had about $2 with me for lunch that day. I ordered one slice and a glass of water. Mrs. A. INSISTED that I pay $12 for lunch, but I said absolutely not. She gave me such a hard time, embarrassed me in front of the group, and on and on. But I stood my ground and said no. "This is what I ate and this is what I owe. Here are two dollars, keep the change." :glare:

 

So after that, when we went out to lunch, I told the waitress, "I will be on a separate bill." And I was. ;) Let the others eat and drink, I will not pay for it.

 

You have a choice about the clothing. You do not "have" to pay for it.

[Snickerdoodle]

What would you think of this?

What I think is that you need to separate the issue of whether the cause is a good one from the issue of her tactics.

 

She is using coercion and public humiliation to achieve her goals.

 

What is the lesson you want your kid to learn here?

[elegantlion]

Ok, my middle of the road suggestion is to do this:

 

Pay for the shirt, but nicely say something like "If we are going to do group purchases it would be a good idea to give people more information before the purchase is made, and give them the ability to opt out if need be. With the economy these days we probably shouldn't make these things mandatory." Smile sweetly while saying it.

 

As for the donation, again, nicely, "Oh, we think that cause is SO important. But we prefer to give to such and such organization, so I'm going to send them our check. Thanks for organizing this!" And I would send that via the regular email list, so every one sees it :)

 

Oh, and maybe, send an email to the leader saying, "The list of who donated went to the whole group...I'm not sure if you meant to do that. I know the donations are not mandatory, and it could be embarrassing to people...do you think we should keep the finanacial aspect of this private?"

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

I dislike coercion tactics. I totally agree about the financial aspects being made public.

 

The woman needs a lesson in diplomacy and tact.

 

I would let my teen decide how he wanted to proceed with the shirt and donation.

[Word Nerd]

I think someone needs to call her on it. Whether the cause is a good one is irrelevant. However, I would probably let my teen decide how to proceed. If I were the one expected to buy the shirt and make the donation, then I would be the one to privately address the issue with the other woman.