BMW Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 you married a wodower... whose first spouse obviously died... and you were talking with your spouse about future burial arrangements... and your spouse said, "Well, I figured when I die, her (first wife's) ashes would be buried with me." I know when we are dead, it doesn't really matter... But... I feel like I'll be 2nd for eternity... I feel like I'm not a choice, even though I know I am... But, I'm not... Any thoughts? (yeah... um... it's me in this hypothetically speaking scenario...) If I say something and he changes his mind, he's not choosing me because I said something... I feel like he already settled this in his mind... I feel unchosen... (that's not a word)... I feel hurt... Okay, share your thoughts... I'll listen... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiberia Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I think it's entirely appropriate for the first wife's ashes to be buried with him, assuming they didn't divorce. You are the 2nd wife. That's a fact. Don't be jealous of 1st wife; she died. She probably didn't want to. He moved on... with you. He chose you. Enjoy what you have, and do your best with the arrangements. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunty Social Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I would probably feel a bit hurt, as you do. I'm not in that situation, so I don't know if I'd actually say anything to him or not. I might wait awhile until the hurt goes away a little, then discuss it with him. He probably has no idea that him saying something like that makes you feel like you're in 2nd place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Well....yes. But! Why can't they both be buried with him? One on each side? After all, 1st wife was an important part of his life, and an important person (presumably) to him. That doesn't make 2nd wife any less an important part of his life or any less important to him. I can understand feeling hurt if he only mentioned being buried with 1st wife. :grouphug: :iagree: I would feel hurt about it, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiberia Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Well....yes. But! Why can't they both be buried with him? One on each side? After all, 1st wife was an important part of his life, and an important person (presumably) to him. That doesn't make 2nd wife any less an important part of his life or any less important to him. I can understand feeling hurt if he only mentioned being buried with 1st wife. :grouphug: I agree with you. I'm assuming that 2nd wife will out-live him, then she can choose where she'll go. I think it would be fine for them all to be together. I'm sure 1st wife would be fine with 2nd wife being there too. I would want my hubby to move on if something happens to me. I guess they'll just need to talk it out. It can be a sensitive subject. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misidawnrn Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 My exhusband was a widower. They hadn't divorced yet when we started seeing each other (no flames please), but were separated, and 3 months after we started seeing each other, she died from uncontrolled diabetes. (2 days before her 30th bd) He swore he wanted to be buried next to her and of course played the grieving husband to a T. This was 7 years ago, and the poor lady doesn't even have a headstone yet because he doesn't want to pay for it and last I knew, he hadn't paid for her funeral either. My problem was solved because I don't want to be buried...anywhere! I want to be cremated and have my ashes spread somewhere beautiful so now where he wants to be buried is his new wife's problem. I say, let him have her ashes buried with him. She was an important part of his life and now she is gone. I don't think it takes away from your importance in his life. Don't feel like #2 as in 2nd best, feel like his wife now. Put yourself in his shoes. If he dies and you remarry, where would you want his ashes? If you would want them with you...case solved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 You need to speak up and have a conversation with him. Men are really wonderful creatures in that they are just direct, honest and open, and problem solvers. I bet he's completely unaware of how deep your feelings are about this. This is the weird side of trust, sometimes you just have to up and confront the situation and solve it. He'll do right by you, and he'll be glad you came to him. Speak up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tangerine Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I wouldn't say it would twinge me a little, but I think it is something I would find upstanding and good about the man I married. Emily Yoffe has a nice article on her husband and his first wife. http://www.doublex.com/section/life/my-husbands-other-wife Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I'm sorry, sweetie. It would hurt no matter how logical other arguments may be. It would hurt my heart a little, no matter how much my brain told me it was okay. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 That's tough. I would be sad, too. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
East Coast Sue Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 :grouphug: I'm sorry. I think I would feel the same way, but it makes sense that he would want his first wife to be with him- they probably talked about such things during their marriage... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamajudy Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Did the husband and his 1st wife have children? It may be something to consider. My sister was widowed and then married a widower. They had children with their 1st husband/wife. So when they pass away, they plan to be buried with the 1st spouse. After all, it's the children who would visit the graves. They've been married now over 20 years, and they have no problem with that arrangement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kebo Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I wouldn't say it would twinge me a little, but I think it is something I would find upstanding and good about the man I married. Emily Yoffe has a nice article on her husband and his first wife. http://www.doublex.com/section/life/my-husbands-other-wife This is a rather beautiful article. I'd be hurt, too. But....you seem to have married a man who is loyal. That's a silver lining. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alte Veste Academy Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I might be missing something, but does he not also intend for you to be buried beside him when you die? I might be a complete wackadoo, but I kind of feel a little twinge of sadness for poor first wife. She said till death do us part but probably imagined being buried with her husband eventually, just like we all do. If you were the first wife, what would your feelings be? I don't know. I would want to honor his feelings...and hers, in that odd way. Still, :grouphug: because it's a tough position to be in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alte Veste Academy Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I'd be hurt, too. But....you seem to have married a man who is loyal. That's a silver lining. :iagree: Just a thought... Is it an option to scatter her ashes on his grave? Would that be better? Or worse? Or idiotic? This is a tricky, emotional situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I'm afraid to tell you my first thought. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:I'm so sorry for the pain you feel. I can only imagine how difficult that must be. I want to very gently tell you, though, that you are his second wife, and it wouldn't be right for him to forget his first wife, the mother of some of his children. The kids would be devastated if he didn't honor her. He needs to honor you BOTH IMO. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:That's very tough.:grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted September 15, 2011 Author Share Posted September 15, 2011 Well, since Nakia and Mrs. Mungo validated my feelings (which is very comforting ...), fire away Remudamom!!! lol Like Mrs. Mungo said, my head can tell me all the things like being married to a loyal man and all... but my heart hurts because he didn't consider me at all in that moment. Just a matter of fact. He does not have plots. I have one. Just one. I have to get it signed over to my name, it is my mom's but she lives far away and wont come back here and is giving it to me... Anyway, I just felt so sad... I know it wont matter when we are gone... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alte Veste Academy Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 He does not have plots. I have one. Just one. I have to get it signed over to my name, it is my mom's but she lives far away and wont come back here and is giving it to me... Anyway, I just felt so sad... I know it wont matter when we are gone... OK, I'm a big fat baby about these things and I think it will matter when I'm gone. I mean, I won't know, but it matters to me now...for when I'm gone. :lol: Can you sell the plot your mom is giving you and you and DH buy two new ones next to each other? Or can your DH buy one next to your mom's? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 i'm wondering what he meant.... did he means "instead of you"? or "as well as you" ? or is it just that when he thought about it and made his decision all those years ago, it made sense and that he hasn't really thought it thru again since? or is he being practical and knows that they bought a double plot so he may as well use it? or ??? it sounds like you will need to talk it thru.... :grouphug: ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Well, since Nakia and Mrs. Mungo validated my feelings (which is very comforting ...), fire away Remudamom!!! lol Well, it involves a vaccum cleaner. Sorry. Just sayin. My mind works in mysterious ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caterpiller Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I think part of loving someone is accepting their past. :grouphug: I also think it isn't your heart hurting, but your pride. Im not saying that to be cold or hard, but rather to help you to re-examin how your seeing the situtation. There is no shame or embarassment in him having her with him or having both of you with him, there is only a heart hurting. Your compassion in the situtation will only bring your husband and you closer together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parker Martin Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 This is the kind of stuff that makes children of remarried parents cringe. Why not just have both of you buried with him? I don't understand the dilemma. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theYoungerMrsWarde Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 My husband and I have discussed this. We both want to be cremated and mixed together after we die. But if he re-marries I have given specific instructions on where I want to be scattered. I'm not going to make his second wife (if there was one) to have to deal with me hanging around on the mantel or somewhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Well, it involves a vaccum cleaner. Sorry. Just sayin. My mind works in mysterious ways. I was envisioning a vase toppling off a mantle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I'm sorry, sweetie. It would hurt no matter how logical other arguments may be. It would hurt my heart a little, no matter how much my brain told me it was okay. :grouphug: :iagree::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Well, it involves a vaccum cleaner. Sorry. Just sayin. My mind works in mysterious ways. so glad I wasn't drinking when I read that.:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Well, it involves a vaccum cleaner. Sorry. Just sayin. My mind works in mysterious ways. But, he has kids. I would be irate if my dad's second wife did something like that. It's funny as a fleeting thought though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I was envisioning a vase toppling off a mantle. Well..........yeah. That's why you'd need the vacuum. My sis had one of their cats cremated. The aftermath wasn't pretty. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 But, he has kids. I would be irate if my dad's second wife did something like that. It's funny as a fleeting thought though. I know, I know, I wasn't in any way recommending. It's just what popped into my demented mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I know, I know, I wasn't in any way recommending. It's just what popped into my demented mind. :D Err...you would need a shop-vac for that. Just as an fyi for those who have not researched cremation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Well, it involves a vaccum cleaner. Sorry. Just sayin. My mind works in mysterious ways. *chokes* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mandymom Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 I married a widower as well, so I can relate. When my dh's wife passed away, they were both young (she passed away in childbirth with her 2nd child) and it was very unexpected. His grandparents gave him 2 burial plots and so he already has a joint headstone with her. It used to bother me a little bit, but only because I did feel second place (even though it was nothing he did...it was all me and my insecurity). I think I've gotten over it now, and a few years ago, his grandparents offered to sell us the plot next to his and his first wife for me to have. :001_smile: I know the feelings of feeling second place are hard. I remember feeling that way and crying in secret (because I didn't want him to know) all the time. Prayer for you....those feelings are not something that many people truly understand. It's hard! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted September 16, 2011 Author Share Posted September 16, 2011 My husband's wife and I are such different people... extremely different personalities, so, I guess my pride is involved. I cannot help but want my husband's affections for me to be the dearest thing to him... even though he does have a past. I, in no way dishonor his first wife. I moved in and she was in a box in the closet for a few years. I never spoke of it. Her house was decorated in her colors and all the things she did to decorate the home. Because the young boys lost their mom, I did not move in and take out all her stuff. I did give a lot of her things to the two grown sons. After 4 years I have just this summer repainted and redecorated in a way that I love. It was time. Each year on the anniversary of her death I buy flowers for the older boys and a card. And I buy a floral arrangement for my two boys who are now 12 and 15. I take their pictures with these arrangements for their scrapbooks, so that they can see themselves growing up remembering her. Most years we have also let balloons go with notes attached that the boys wrote to their mom. When I made their scrapbooks, I started them with their mom and dad's wedding photos. So, I believe I have gone above and beyond honoring her memory. And I would do it all over again this way. It just hurt... My husbands first and only thought about burial was for him and her to be buried together. I understand for the boys (his 4 boys) that it may work out great for it to be that way.... Doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunty Social Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 My husband's wife and I are such different people... extremely different personalities, so, I guess my pride is involved. I cannot help but want my husband's affections for me to be the dearest thing to him... even though he does have a past. I, in no way dishonor his first wife. I moved in and she was in a box in the closet for a few years. I never spoke of it. Her house was decorated in her colors and all the things she did to decorate the home. Because the young boys lost their mom, I did not move in and take out all her stuff. I did give a lot of her things to the two grown sons. After 4 years I have just this summer repainted and redecorated in a way that I love. It was time. Each year on the anniversary of her death I buy flowers for the older boys and a card. And I buy a floral arrangement for my two boys who are now 12 and 15. I take their pictures with these arrangements for their scrapbooks, so that they can see themselves growing up remembering her. Most years we have also let balloons go with notes attached that the boys wrote to their mom. When I made their scrapbooks, I started them with their mom and dad's wedding photos. So, I believe I have gone above and beyond honoring her memory. And I would do it all over again this way. It just hurt... My husbands first and only thought about burial was for him and her to be buried together. I understand for the boys (his 4 boys) that it may work out great for it to be that way.... Doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt, though. You sound like such an incredible step-mom to those boys. You have definitely honored her memory in wonderful ways. They are blessed to have you. I understand that it would hurt, even if it doesn't make logical sense. :grouphug: Can you talk to him about it? I agree with those that recommended that. I think he'd understand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 I would be hurt, too. If I say something and he changes his mind, he's not choosing me because I said something... I feel like he already settled this in his mind... I feel unchosen... (that's not a word)... I feel hurt... Okay, share your thoughts... I'll listen... I've known a lot of women who think this way (can't think of any men) and does is a major inhibitor of conflict resolution. It's "magical" thinking: if he loved me, I wouldn't need to tell him; if I need to tell him, it doesn't count." So when things matter most, you can't talk about them and resolve the conflict. You also can't get what you want because he's supposed to "know." I would tell him how you feel. It's possible that you'll find that he thought you understood that she would always have a particular special place in his heart. I do know widows and widowers who feel that way about their first marriage partner--but they all married other widows/widowers who felt the same, so it worked out. OTOH, he may have no idea how you're feeling and may not have considered it. Or he may be thinking you'll outlive him and remarry yourself. No way to know unless you talk about it. Considering kids' feelings is also very important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 I married a widower as well, so I can relate. When my dh's wife passed away, they were both young (she passed away in childbirth with her 2nd child) and it was very unexpected. His grandparents gave him 2 burial plots and so he already has a joint headstone with her. It used to bother me a little bit, but only because I did feel second place (even though it was nothing he did...it was all me and my insecurity). I think I've gotten over it now, and a few years ago, his grandparents offered to sell us the plot next to his and his first wife for me to have. :001_smile: I know the feelings of feeling second place are hard. I remember feeling that way and crying in secret (because I didn't want him to know) all the time. Prayer for you....those feelings are not something that many people truly understand. It's hard! My husband's wife and I are such different people... extremely different personalities, so, I guess my pride is involved. I cannot help but want my husband's affections for me to be the dearest thing to him... even though he does have a past. I, in no way dishonor his first wife. I moved in and she was in a box in the closet for a few years. I never spoke of it. Her house was decorated in her colors and all the things she did to decorate the home. Because the young boys lost their mom, I did not move in and take out all her stuff. I did give a lot of her things to the two grown sons. After 4 years I have just this summer repainted and redecorated in a way that I love. It was time. Each year on the anniversary of her death I buy flowers for the older boys and a card. And I buy a floral arrangement for my two boys who are now 12 and 15. I take their pictures with these arrangements for their scrapbooks, so that they can see themselves growing up remembering her. Most years we have also let balloons go with notes attached that the boys wrote to their mom. When I made their scrapbooks, I started them with their mom and dad's wedding photos. So, I believe I have gone above and beyond honoring her memory. And I would do it all over again this way. It just hurt... My husbands first and only thought about burial was for him and her to be buried together. I understand for the boys (his 4 boys) that it may work out great for it to be that way.... Doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt, though. you two are AMAZING women. I admire you both.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandy in Indy Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 I'm sure that must have hurt... I hope you can talk about it and resolve your feelings. It sounds like you have done a great job of helping the boys remember and honor their mom. I'm sure that by doing so you have taught them to honor you as well. I'm wondering if your dh just thinks that her ashes need a place to go rather than the closet shelf...and figured the easiest thing to do would be to tuck them in with him. That sounds like something my practical dh would come up with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Friederike in Persia Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 I meant to write that with time you might not be so hurt by this anymore, but one of your later posts indicates that you've been married for quite some years. Couldn't you talk to him? When I got married dh's first wife had been dead for 2 years. She was very different to me, too and I stuggled for a few years with the thoughts of being second too. There our similarities end, because she died so shortly after their wedding, they never had children and we have 3. So whereas I kept saying I don't mind where I'll be burried he keeps insisting that it makes a big difference for those that survive and needs to be thought and talked through well. Maybe that would be an angle to start the conversation with, what will the children feel (esp. the younger ones)? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mandymom Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 (edited) I meant to write that with time you might not be so hurt by this anymore, but one of your later posts indicates that you've been married for quite some years. Best I can tell from OP's posts, it's been a little over 4 years since they've been married. If that is correct, I was still feeling those same feelings after 4 years, just not as strongly as at first. And we moved into a new house right away, so I think living in "her" space makes it even that more difficult. After we had been married 5 years, we had a child together too. I think that changed things a bit, but I do think that ultimately, time made things better. My dh and his first wife were married for 5 years, but dated in high school so they had been together for 13 years. He simply had known her for much more of his life than he had known me. Now, we are approaching our 10th anniversary in two weeks, and he's known me almost as long as he knew her. It does make a difference. I think for me now, it is much harder with the in-laws and family. He still loves the person that she was (but doesn't dwell on it), but his family still has much more "idolizing" feelings if that makes any sense. It's hard to compete with someone who never did anything wrong, kwim? But I think the key is to really not try and compete....just be who you are and know that he loves you for you. He WILL always hold a special place in his heart, but he chose YOU after he had been married to someone he loved so much. You weren't second or a replacement, but someone who he could love after he thought he found his only love in her. That's a hard role to fill, and he picked YOU! And loving and caring for HER children is hard....I know! My children were very young when their mom passed away (10 days old and 2 years old), and so I've been their mom most of their lives, but it's still hard. You sound like you are doing an AMAZING job with the kids, and I know it must be infinitely harder because they are older. Just remember that he CHOSE you, you are special, and you are filling an incredibly important role in the kids lives too :001_smile: Edited September 16, 2011 by mandymom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sebastian (a lady) Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 Well, since Nakia and Mrs. Mungo validated my feelings (which is very comforting ...), fire away Remudamom!!! lol Like Mrs. Mungo said, my head can tell me all the things like being married to a loyal man and all... but my heart hurts because he didn't consider me at all in that moment. Just a matter of fact. He does not have plots. I have one. Just one. I have to get it signed over to my name, it is my mom's but she lives far away and wont come back here and is giving it to me... Anyway, I just felt so sad... I know it wont matter when we are gone... Is it not possible to do two burials in one plot? I ask because I've seen multiple burials in military cemetaries. Typically the headstone is inscribed front and back with both people's info. But I don't know what the physical requirements for this are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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