hsmom27 Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 (edited) Once a week I hold a 3-6 gr. class at my home. I have always invited the whole family because I know how hard it can be to get to classes where other kids aren't welcome. The older kids are expected to work quietly at our large kitchen table and the little bits all play in the living room with all our bunches of toys. I have (2) 15mo little girls with longer hair. One of the moms has a 15mo little boy that pulls their hair every time they go near him. They ARE NOT trying to take away "his" toy away or even play with it or him. Anyway, he pulls hard, as in my girls' heads have been pulled all the way to the floor and they are screaming. The mom of the little boy just laughs it off. It isn't funny. I get that he's just as little as they are, but ARRRGH! Yesterday I had to go intervene 2X and I'm the one teaching the class. My DH happened to be home and he stepped in several times. I don't expect babies to play with no squabbles, but I do think it's unfair for one child (even a tiny child) to repeatedly attack other children with no parental intervention. After class I did say something to her about it. I basically told her I hated to step in and redirect her baby, instead of letting her handle it. She just responded that babies will eventually work it out on their own. I am NOT confrontational. So I said something along the lines of, "Yeah, but it's not a fair fight, he doesn't have any hair for them to pull." She just laughed and replied that the girls needed to find a different way to defend themselves. DH wants her kid out of the class, and the baby gone. I said I get it figured out so this wasn't happening any more. Is there really something else I can say to this woman, and how should I say it without starting something big? Or is DH right and I should just ask them to leave the class? And if you think we're over reacting, please don't say so!:) I will not believe that my babies should learn to "defend themselves", much less in their own home! edit: I just wanted to say, I do have an adult friend watching all 4 of my littles during class. They aren't unattended or anything. Oops, I guess I should clarify. My friend is intervening, but when the kid has hold on both the girls, it really is a 2 person job untangling everyone. And, once one of mine is truly upset only mom will do, you know? She's trying to keep them apart, it just isn't a huge space and sometimes it gets away from you. That's the main reason DH wants the entire family gone. This woman really needs to be standing over her adorable little trouble maker and I just don't see that happening. Thanks for all the help. Edited August 25, 2011 by littlewigglebutts Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zookeeper Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 I would NOT tolerate that! Not one more time! The next time the mother comes can your dh be there and ask her right out (politely) to not let her son do that. If she refuses or laughs it off, tell her you disagree and don't want it to happen again. If she still refuses, send her packing. I hear ya about not being confrontational. That's why I'd ask dh to do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 DH wants her kid out of the class, and the baby gone. I said I get it figured out so this wasn't happening any more. Is there really something else I can say to this woman, and how should I say it without starting something big? Or is DH right and I should just ask them to leave the class? And if you think we're over reacting, please don't say so!:) I will not believe that my babies should learn to "defend themselves", much less in their own home! I don't think you can say something without starting something big. I think you're just going to have to come right out and say it: "I'm so sorry, but I cannot teach while my young children are being hurt. Please correct your dc; otherwise, I'll have to ask you either to drop off your older dc for the class or withdraw him from the class altogether." I don't envy you. :-( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Avila Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 I don't think you can say something without starting something big. I think you're just going to have to come right out and say it: "I'm so sorry, but I cannot teach while my young children are being hurt. Please correct your dc; otherwise, I'll have to ask you either to drop off your older dc for the class or withdraw him from the class altogether." I don't envy you. :-( :iagree: I would not be able to teach effectively while my baby was being hurt. This family would have to go. It doesn't sound like she will follow through on discipline. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 Tell her if her baby can't leave the girls alone he is not welcome. Period. If that doesn't work let your dh give her hair a good hard yank. Then tell her to find a way to defend herself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puma Mom Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 I think it's fair to tell her that, although you recognize that there is a variety of valid ways in which this situation could be handled, you're going to have to insist that she either keep her ds from pulling your girls' hair or not bring him to your house. If that means her older dc doesn't participate, that's her call. You should plan on asking her to leave when it happens because it doesn't sound like she will choose to monitor her ds. "I'm sorry. As I said earlier, since the hair pulling is still happening, you're going to have to leave now." Psyche yourself up to lose some class time dealing with it. Maybe have an activity prepared that another parent can handle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cera Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 I think it's fair to tell her that, although you recognize that there is a variety of valid ways in which this situation could be handled, you're going to have to insist that she either keep her ds from pulling your girls' hair or not bring him to your house. If that means her older dc doesn't participate, that's her call. You should plan on asking her to leave when it happens because it doesn't sound like she will choose to monitor her ds. "I'm sorry. As I said earlier, since the hair pulling is still happening, you're going to have to leave now." Psyche yourself up to lose some class time dealing with it. Maybe have an activity prepared that another parent can handle. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 (edited) I would send her an email saying that your husband and you have discussed it and that neither of you are comfortable with the ongoing situation of your little ones being hurt in your home, even by a toddler, and that you need to ask her to either stay close to him and carefully supervise him in a way that will prevent him from continuing to pull hair, or you're going to ask her not to bring him with her anymore as you are not okay with him hurting your children, and that it is a distraction to you while you are trying to teach. If it happens again after that and you don't notice her stepping in with an honest effort, and if you don't want to confront her to her face, send her a follow up email afterward saying, "I'm sorry, but this just isn't working out. I need to ask you not to bring so and so over to my house anymore. I need to be able to protect my children and stay focused on my class, and I can't do that while so and so is here. Please let me know if (older kids) will still attend next week." If that means she can't bring the older kid/s either, oh well. I would hate having someone like that at my house. Edited August 25, 2011 by NanceXToo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hsmom27 Posted August 25, 2011 Author Share Posted August 25, 2011 Uggg... this mom is very loud, very opinionated, and very confrontational. I think I'm going to call her tomorrow and tell her I can't teach and listen to the girls cry. ( I literally can't because I'm still nursing and it triggers my let-down response.) I'm also going to ask her to step in BEFORE it happens, as opposed to waiting until afterwards. If she can't do that then next week will have to be her DS' last class. I have a feeling this mom will bad mouth me all over town for asking her to control her baby's behavior or leave. I shouldn't have to defend my actions, but should I give a preemptive heads up to the moms I know well? The class is going so well and I already have next year's class in the works. I'd hate for this to derail the whole thing.:glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brenda in FL Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I think you should tell her that you let families come as a service to them, but in this case it is too distracting for you as the teacher and is not fair for the other students. Babies do not "work it out." Since she will not keep her child occupied and away from the hair pulling she will have to drop off her children for the class and return later to pick them up, or offer her a refund and drop them from your class. She can take her younger children to the park, library, shopping - lots of moms do that! In the future, consider putting some parameters on the family play time so that parents will know ahead of time that if their younger children cause a distraction to you or the students - you will ask them to leave and return later to pick up their student. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I wouldn't discuss it with anyone else. If anyone asks about what happened, say something mild, such as "Oh, things just weren't working out for us." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I'd point out that MY girls should not be under attack in their own home, and that her son was no longer welcome in MY house. Period. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I don't think you can say something without starting something big. I think you're just going to have to come right out and say it: "I'm so sorry, but I cannot teach while my young children are being hurt. Please correct your dc; otherwise, I'll have to ask you either to drop off your older dc for the class or withdraw him from the class altogether." :iagree:This. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I think you're right to be upset by this, but I wonder if the girls' hair could be put up so it's out of the way? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kipling Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I don't think you can say something without starting something big. I think you're just going to have to come right out and say it: "I'm so sorry, but I cannot teach while my young children are being hurt. Please correct your dc; otherwise, I'll have to ask you either to drop off your older dc for the class or withdraw him from the class altogether." I don't envy you. :-( I think you should tell her that you let families come as a service to them, but in this case it is too distracting for you as the teacher and is not fair for the other students. Babies do not "work it out." Since she will not keep her child occupied and away from the hair pulling she will have to drop off her children for the class and return later to pick them up, or offer her a refund and drop them from your class. She can take her younger children to the park, library, shopping - lots of moms do that! In the future, consider putting some parameters on the family play time so that parents will know ahead of time that if their younger children cause a distraction to you or the students - you will ask them to leave and return later to pick up their student. :iagree: There's no reason why the older child cannot participate in the class unless you have a no-drop-off policy. If you allow the older kids to be there without a parent, then that is what I would suggest to the mom. Tell her that you enjoy having older dc in the class, but the younger one cannot stay in your house (for all the reasons mentioned: distraction to you, pain to your girls, etc). I wouldn't want to give her a second chance at this point, knowing that she will not follow through, but I probably would anyway out of good faith. Something along the lines of, "the next time it happens, you will have to take younger child out of the house right away and find something to do with him for all future classes." From the sound of it, she probably won't leave older child in the class, but at least YOU have offered it to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lacie Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I have a feeling this mom will bad mouth me all over town for asking her to control her baby's behavior or leave. I shouldn't have to defend my actions, but should I give a preemptive heads up to the moms I know well? The class is going so well and I already have next year's class in the works. I'd hate for this to derail the whole thing.:glare: I think that other mom's would understand that you can control your toddler. Toddlers should be taught not to hurt others. Try not to worry about what she might say about you around town. :grouphug: for you and your girls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 Maybe you should tell her that you've instructed your girls to scratch his eyes out the next time he pulls their hair. OK, that probably would not help . . . . One thing I might seriously consider is to put up a playpen or pack'n'play off to the side of the room, and tell the kid that that's where he's going if he pulls anyone's hair or hurts anyone. And have your friend (who is babysitting your littles) follow through of the mom won't. I would state that this is your "house rule." If anyone doesn't like it, they can find some other place for their child to be. I am a little passionate about people letting their kids hurt other kids. Not only is it totally unfair to the victim, but it teaches the victim the wrong things about violence, e.g., she's a punching bag and that's OK, or it's OK for kids to hurt each other, or other kids should have more freedoms than she has. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 (edited) The class is in your house and your are teaching it. You can tell her, the younger child is no longer welcome to wait with the other children. She needs to make arrangements for the toddler or pull her dc from the class. Really, no extended discussion is necessary. ETA: this woman is probably already well known for her nonparenting techniques across town. I wouldn't worry about being bad mouthed so much. Edited August 25, 2011 by betty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 Uggg... this mom is very loud, very opinionated, and very confrontational. I have a feeling this mom will bad mouth me all over town for asking her to control her baby's behavior or leave. I shouldn't have to defend my actions, but should I give a preemptive heads up to the moms I know well? Don't the mom's know she is loud, opinionated and confrontational? Poor kid. Being taught to follow in mom's footsteps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 Don't even worry about it. If she's that loud, opinionated and confrontational, and acts like that much of an idiot over things like this, chances are everybody she "blabs" to around town is going to take what she says with a grain of salt and figure it was because of her anyway, not you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 Don't tell any other moms about it unless they approach you, and then keep details to a minimum. "Oh, Mrs. X stopped coming because toddler was acting up during class and it was disrupting the class." It's the truth and doesn't really cast blame on anyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scuff Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 (edited) Your adult friend needs to get a backbone and defend/step in/protect the girls. You shouldn't have to stop class if she is responsible for watching over them at this time. You should also talk to the mom again. I get that this was a first conversation, so you approached it lightly. She's made her position clear. Now make yours clear. She needs to control her child and keep him away from the girls or he is not welcome in the class. I agree with your DH that they should be removed. But give the mom fair warning and a chance to fix it first. She obviously doesn't take it as seriously as you do. Let her know you are serious. If it happens again, boot her out. ETA- agreeing with others, her reputation will proceed her. Don't worry about it. We had a similar situation (in that people were talking bad about us around town.) About a year later all those people came to us to tell us how sorry they were that they believed ____ and they had done it again to them. Edited August 25, 2011 by Scuff Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mothersweets Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 Your adult friend needs to get a backbone and defend/step in/protect the girls. You shouldn't have to stop class if she is responsible for watching over them at this time. You should also talk to the mom again. I get that this was a first conversation, so you approached it lightly. She's made her position clear. Now make yours clear. She needs to control her child and keep him away from the girls or he is not welcome in the class. I agree with your DH that they should be removed. But give the mom fair warning and a chance to fix it first. She obviously doesn't take it as seriously as you do. Let her know you are serious. If it happens again, boot her out. ETA- agreeing with others, her reputation will proceed her. Don't worry about it. We had a similar situation (in that people were talking bad about us around town.) About a year later all those people came to us to tell us how sorry they were that they believed ____ and they had done it again to them. Agreeing with Scuff-especially the bolded part. And I don't get it? You have an adult friend who is watching the kids and this STILL happens? What does she do when the little boy is pulling your girls' hair? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 Agreeing with Scuff-especially the bolded part. And I don't get it? You have an adult friend who is watching the kids and this STILL happens? What does she do when the little boy is pulling your girls' hair? :iagree: I would reinforce the kindness rule and if someone was hurting my friend's babies, I'd sure as heck make sure it stopped. Have you talked to your friend abut this? Make sure she knows that stepping in quickly and perhaps handing the little offender back to his mama would make a point? Does your friend know she has your total support?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hsmom27 Posted August 25, 2011 Author Share Posted August 25, 2011 Thanks for the replies. I'm still working myself up to call the mom. I do have a no drop-off policy, so I'm going to give them one more chance. I'm also going to see if there's a way DH can be home just for class next week. That way my friend won't feel so overwhelmed with the rescuing alone. If after this next class I do ask her not to return, I think I'll wait until everyone else has gone. And I'm not going to say anything to anyone else and I'll just trust that this won't upset our otherwise harmonious group dynamic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mothersweets Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 :grouphug: I hope it all works out for you. That kind of stuff makes me nuts! I bet if your dh is there, Mrs. Nonchalant-About-Her-Little-Darling might be more careful. or you could do what RemudaMom suggested. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I don't think you can say something without starting something big. I think you're just going to have to come right out and say it: "I'm so sorry, but I cannot teach while my young children are being hurt. Please correct your dc; otherwise, I'll have to ask you either to drop off your older dc for the class or withdraw him from the class altogether." I don't envy you. :-( :iagree: I would call her in advance and let her know not to bring her younger child again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
parias1126 Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 (edited) I haven't read any of the response, but I would never tolerate that in my home happening to any of my children. I would kindly ask her to leave. Apparently, she doesn't want to intervene herself and it isn't your job, your husband's job, or any of the other moms that are there. It also sounds like you have conflicting parenting styles. I have quit contact with a few other moms for that very reason over the last 18 years since I have been a mom myself. Your in a tough spot! It's not a fun position to be in. I would contact her (if you have her phone number) prior to the next class and explain how you feel. It will be much easier over the phone than face to face I would think. She must expect it's coming since you have confronted her about the situation a couple times already. Edited August 25, 2011 by parias1126 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 Uggg... this mom is very loud, very opinionated, and very confrontational. I think I'm going to call her tomorrow and tell her I can't teach and listen to the girls cry. ( I literally can't because I'm still nursing and it triggers my let-down response.) I'm also going to ask her to step in BEFORE it happens, as opposed to waiting until afterwards. If she can't do that then next week will have to be her DS' last class. Make sure the bolded is part of the phone conversation. With respect, what both of you have forgotten and your husband hasn't, is that it's your house and your children. You make the rules and build the boundaries. She has no right to laugh them off. I have a feeling this mom will bad mouth me all over town for asking her to control her baby's behavior or leave. I shouldn't have to defend my actions, but should I give a preemptive heads up to the moms I know well? The class is going so well and I already have next year's class in the works. I'd hate for this to derail the whole thing.:glare: Say nothing. If it comes up just say it's just a difference of opinion between you and her. Anything else and you'll be drawn into drama. Take the high road. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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