Impish Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Forgive any spelling error in the title. *sigh* Wolf calls from work. Wants to be spontaneous. We have 3 kids, a tight budget, I'm 28 wks pregnant on Sunday...wth do you mean, spontaneous? He wants to go away this wknd. See, growing up, MIL dragged him from one end of Canada to the other, literally. But, there's one place that is his hometown for him. Its not even somewhere that he lived longest, but for whatever reason, its where he's most at home, the place that if it were possible, he'd move us to in a heartbeat. Since its a dying/dead mill town, its just not feasible, but its where his heart lives, if that makes any sense at all. He took me there on our honeymoon. Its a beautiful town, set in the mountains, just lovely. BUT...(and you knew there would be a but, right?) Several issues: 1) Our van is older. I'm not sure a long distance trip is a great idea. 2) We'd need to buy a tent, pay for gas, etc. And obviously, since this was just suggested today, we haven't budgeted for this. 3) And, imo, the BIGGEST flaw in this plan...MIL is there in this town this wknd, for a reunion of a school she taught at. To Wolf, this is a bonus/excuse, b/c he wants a chance to check up on her, we have some growing concerns about her mental stability (beyond her usual nutso behaviour). The idea of spending this much $ to spend a wknd with her...ick. I can think of several better uses the $ could go to. Including fuel for a bbq, but I'm just being rotten and petty with that. Pro list: We haven't been on family vacation, other than an attempt at camping that got badly rained out, ever. The mtns are stunning. I know how much this place means to my husband. I know he really feels compelled to check up on his mother somehow. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I *really* do NOT want to do this. At all. This would be MIL at her worst...a crowd of ppl for her to show off for. No escape. And when she has an audience, her behaviour goes through the roof. So, do I suck it up, do what's best for my husband, or do I put my foot down and use the finances as a completely justifiable, non emotional reason? Why can't he ever have an inspiration about something tender and romantic, for pity sakes? :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Hmmmm....and the Academy Award for Best Actress in the Drama - How to Fake Barfing Up a Lung and Pre-Mature Labor in Order to Avoid a Family Holiday - goes to, IMP of Canada! Yeah, applause, Bravo, Bravissimo, standing ovation...."I'd like to thank the little people, my mil for making all of this possile, my own mother for being NPD too, Wolf for even thinking of such a preposterous plan, baby bump for being in the right place at the right time.....Without you, I couldn't have done it!!!!" :D You can see which side of this mess I am aligned. Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
k2bdeutmeyer Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Hmmmm....and the Academy Award for Best Actress in the Drama - How to Fake Barfing Up a Lung and Pre-Mature Labor in Order to Avoid a Family Holiday - goes to, IMP of Canada! Yeah, applause, Bravo, Bravissimo, standing ovation...."I'd like to thank the little people, my mil for making all of this possile, my own mother for being NPD too, Wolf for even thinking of such a preposterous plan, baby bump for being in the right place at the right time.....Without you, I couldn't have done it!!!!" :D You can see which side of this mess I am aligned. Faith ^^Best reply ever! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 ^^Best reply ever! :iagree::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Isn't there a rule that says going away spontaneously means going to someplace all parties want to be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Natalieclare Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 I'd say it's time to learn about the beauties of separate vacations...:D Wolf takes the kids and you stay home and put your feet up for the weekend. That's what I'd do! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 17, 2011 Author Share Posted August 17, 2011 Here's the sticking point: MIL's phone conversations have become seriously disjointed. Normally, she prides herself on knowing every families names, down to the 3rd generation...but when she went away recently, she couldn't name anyone she'd seen there. Completely out of character. She randomly jumps from one topic to the next. No tracking. Just babble. Wolf's worried. He wants to check up on her, and she wouldn't know we were coming, so we could actually see what's going on. If it wasn't for this issue, I'd just say no. My hesitation comes from wondering if she's really losing it. She has a sister in a locked ward with dementia, which puts her risk factor for developing it much, much higher. I dread the idea of dealing with her, having her physically hanging on me, her behaviour in general, hysterics, showing off, drama, drama, drama...but at the same time, if there's something going wrong, Wolf has POA (shared w/a cousin) and really does need to know so that some sort of action can be taken. *sigh* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 His Mother. Girl, will you ever escape her? Agreeing with Faith 100%. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caterpiller Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 aww I would see a spontanious trip as a romantic tender thing. Sure maybe the kids will be there, and the mom. But she is going to be doing her own thing. ;) If my husband wanted to go somewhere... ANYWHERE xD I'd be all over it. :p Do it, do it, do it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 17, 2011 Author Share Posted August 17, 2011 I'd say it's time to learn about the beauties of separate vacations...:D Wolf takes the kids and you stay home and put your feet up for the weekend. That's what I'd do! :D I'm the only one with a credit card. He doesn't have signing abilities, so he can't go without me. I don't see managing this trip without using the cc. We'd buckle down and pay it off quickly, but initially, it can't happen with straight cash. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 I'm the only one with a credit card. He doesn't have signing abilities, so he can't go without me. I don't see managing this trip without using the cc. We'd buckle down and pay it off quickly, but initially, it can't happen with straight cash. Aren't you facing a possible loss of major income (due to the WCB issues)? I wouldn't bring even short-term debt into the picture right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Can you go and somehow not let her know you are there:D Sleeping in a tent when I was that pregnant would have been torture and I wouldn't have slept at all.:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 17, 2011 Author Share Posted August 17, 2011 Aren't you facing a possible loss of major income (due to the WCB issues)? I wouldn't bring even short-term debt into the picture right now. That's been put on hold. Plus, we're finally catching up on back taxes, which means a sizable return in about 6 wks or so. We'd be able to pay off any cc debt with the tax return, easily. Can you go and somehow not let her know you are there:D Sleeping in a tent when I was that pregnant would have been torture and I wouldn't have slept at all.:tongue_smilie: I'd sleep in the van. And checking out her behaviour and actions is why we'd go this wknd. Wolf suspects that our just 'turning up' might have her not actually recognizing us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 That's been put on hold. Plus, we're finally catching up on back taxes, which means a sizable return in about 6 wks or so. We'd be able to pay off any cc debt with the tax return, easily. I'd sleep in the van. And checking out her behaviour and actions is why we'd go this wknd. Wolf suspects that our just 'turning up' might have her not actually recognizing us. Regarding the highlighted: Maybe, maybe not. My aunt had dementia due to a brain tumor, and my grandma suffers with dementia. Both of them forgot a LOT of people, but both of them remember(ed) certain important people. At the end of my aunt's life she still remembered and identified her five kids, husband, mother, and me. My grandma now also has a small handful of people she recognizes every time, even though she's forgotten a lot of other important people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 I gotta say, Wolf might be having this idea for a reason. It might be time to grit your teeth, smile, and go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Is it possible to get a cash advance on your credit card, or go to one of those payday loan type places, and have just him go? Not only would it be cheaper, it would be much easier to manage the situation, if needed. Kids on hand will complicate that. Plus, if the van breaks down or he has to sleep in it instead of camping, well, that's easier and safer for a man who only has to look out for himself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 17, 2011 Author Share Posted August 17, 2011 Is it possible to get a cash advance on your credit card, or go to one of those payday loan type places, and have just him go? Not only would it be cheaper, it would be much easier to manage the situation, if needed. Kids on hand will complicate that. Plus, if the van breaks down or he has to sleep in it instead of camping, well, that's easier and safer for a man who only has to look out for himself. For what it would cost for him to go, it really wouldn't up expenses that much for all of us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Forgive any spelling error in the title. *sigh* Wolf calls from work. Wants to be spontaneous. We have 3 kids, a tight budget, I'm 28 wks pregnant on Sunday...wth do you mean, spontaneous? He wants to go away this wknd. See, growing up, MIL dragged him from one end of Canada to the other, literally. But, there's one place that is his hometown for him. Its not even somewhere that he lived longest, but for whatever reason, its where he's most at home, the place that if it were possible, he'd move us to in a heartbeat. Since its a dying/dead mill town, its just not feasible, but its where his heart lives, if that makes any sense at all. He took me there on our honeymoon. Its a beautiful town, set in the mountains, just lovely. BUT...(and you knew there would be a but, right?) Several issues: 1) Our van is older. I'm not sure a long distance trip is a great idea. 2) We'd need to buy a tent, pay for gas, etc. And obviously, since this was just suggested today, we haven't budgeted for this. 3) And, imo, the BIGGEST flaw in this plan...MIL is there in this town this wknd, for a reunion of a school she taught at. To Wolf, this is a bonus/excuse, b/c he wants a chance to check up on her, we have some growing concerns about her mental stability (beyond her usual nutso behaviour). The idea of spending this much $ to spend a wknd with her...ick. I can think of several better uses the $ could go to. Including fuel for a bbq, but I'm just being rotten and petty with that. Pro list: We haven't been on family vacation, other than an attempt at camping that got badly rained out, ever. The mtns are stunning. I know how much this place means to my husband. I know he really feels compelled to check up on his mother somehow. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I *really* do NOT want to do this. At all. This would be MIL at her worst...a crowd of ppl for her to show off for. No escape. And when she has an audience, her behaviour goes through the roof. So, do I suck it up, do what's best for my husband, or do I put my foot down and use the finances as a completely justifiable, non emotional reason? Why can't he ever have an inspiration about something tender and romantic, for pity sakes? :tongue_smilie: Play the PG card and let him go with the kids. Surely being 28 weeks pregnant it wouldn't be wise to travel, sleep in a tent, or see a MIL. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Hmmmm....and the Academy Award for Best Actress in the Drama - How to Fake Barfing Up a Lung and Pre-Mature Labor in Order to Avoid a Family Holiday - goes to, IMP of Canada! Yeah, applause, Bravo, Bravissimo, standing ovation...."I'd like to thank the little people, my mil for making all of this possile, my own mother for being NPD too, Wolf for even thinking of such a preposterous plan, baby bump for being in the right place at the right time.....Without you, I couldn't have done it!!!!" :D You can see which side of this mess I am aligned. Faith :lol: geeze, I'm so glad I came to this side of the forum instead of only concentrating on curriculum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Once Again Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Do it. Your husband will know you did it because you love him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Do it. Your husband will know you did it because you love him. Here's the sticking point: MIL's phone conversations have become seriously disjointed. Normally, she prides herself on knowing every families names, down to the 3rd generation...but when she went away recently, she couldn't name anyone she'd seen there. Completely out of character. She randomly jumps from one topic to the next. No tracking. Just babble. Wolf's worried. He wants to check up on her, and she wouldn't know we were coming, so we could actually see what's going on. If it wasn't for this issue, I'd just say no. My hesitation comes from wondering if she's really losing it. She has a sister in a locked ward with dementia, which puts her risk factor for developing it much, much higher. I dread the idea of dealing with her, having her physically hanging on me, her behaviour in general, hysterics, showing off, drama, drama, drama...but at the same time, if there's something going wrong, Wolf has POA (shared w/a cousin) and really does need to know so that some sort of action can be taken. *sigh* I gotta say, Wolf might be having this idea for a reason. It might be time to grit your teeth, smile, and go. I would suck it up and go. And I'd try to take my happy heart with me. I don't think Wolf would subject you to it unless he had a good reason. Of course, feel free to play the pg card and hide in the tent with a good book all weekend. But I would go. Sorry :grouphug: (<--I'm not actually touching you in this hug, despite what it looks like :D). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 You might as well go now, Imp. It's not like you're going to want to go MORE in 12 weeks or so. Have fun? :grouphug: And update us on the whackadoo as soon as you get home - or from the road!!! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wabi Sabi Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 How far of a drive is it? And FWIW, big inflatable queen sized airbeds aren't all that expensive (relatively speaking) and pretty darned comfy. I slept on one while tent camping many times while pregnant, including one trip when I was 39 weeks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 17, 2011 Author Share Posted August 17, 2011 We've pretty much decided to go. Basically, what it amounts to, is our concerns for her mental stability cancel out all hesitations. Her sibs in the area are a freakin joke. The sister that IS admitted w/dementia was 'fine, just fine' right up until a neighbour reported her...she was immed taken into the hospital and into the locked ward. We've asked about MIL's memory issues, etc, and they're completely offended and aghast that we'd dare imply there was anything wrong. They'd rather she was unsafe than admit to a potential problem. With Wolf having POA, he feels he HAS to check this situation out. On the good side, boundaries have been set. We're not spending every. waking. minute. with her. In fact, we're going a day early before she even gets there, and looking at staying a day after she leaves. If it wasn't for the potential health issue, there's no WAY I'd agree to go within a 100 mile radius of her right now, let alone with her having a huge audience. But, she's closer than if we travelled to her home...its a decent compromise as far as $$ goes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 We've pretty much decided to go. Basically, what it amounts to, is our concerns for her mental stability cancel out all hesitations. Her sibs in the area are a freakin joke. The sister that IS admitted w/dementia was 'fine, just fine' right up until a neighbour reported her...she was immed taken into the hospital and into the locked ward. We've asked about MIL's memory issues, etc, and they're completely offended and aghast that we'd dare imply there was anything wrong. They'd rather she was unsafe than admit to a potential problem. With Wolf having POA, he feels he HAS to check this situation out. On the good side, boundaries have been set. We're not spending every. waking. minute. with her. In fact, we're going a day early before she even gets there, and looking at staying a day after she leaves. If it wasn't for the potential health issue, there's no WAY I'd agree to go within a 100 mile radius of her right now, let alone with her having a huge audience. But, she's closer than if we travelled to her home...its a decent compromise as far as $$ goes. I had the same issues with regard to my relatives choosing to live in denial about my grandmother's dementia. They insisted she was "just fine" even as she was in multiple minor car accidents and was eased out of a long-time job due to her growing incompetence. Stories about her getting lost or not remembering common things had absolutely no effect. Rather, such stories caused my relatives to attack the messenger. In my grandmother's case, the wake-up call came when her driving was seriously erratic one day and some random citizen called the cops. Mr. Random Citizen continued to follow her by car, communicating with the dispatcher until the cops showed up. The cops took her to the station because she couldn't remember ANYTHING other than her name. When one of her daughters came to pick her up the cops read the daughter the riot act for letting someone with such clear dementia drive. (Grandma had caused an accident just the week before--no one hurt, but a car was totaled.) All that to say I hear you on the denial. Based on your other posts about MIL I'd be willing to bet she's further along this path than you realize. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 We've pretty much decided to go. Basically, what it amounts to, is our concerns for her mental stability cancel out all hesitations. Her sibs in the area are a freakin joke. The sister that IS admitted w/dementia was 'fine, just fine' right up until a neighbour reported her...she was immed taken into the hospital and into the locked ward. We've asked about MIL's memory issues, etc, and they're completely offended and aghast that we'd dare imply there was anything wrong. They'd rather she was unsafe than admit to a potential problem. With Wolf having POA, he feels he HAS to check this situation out. On the good side, boundaries have been set. We're not spending every. waking. minute. with her. In fact, we're going a day early before she even gets there, and looking at staying a day after she leaves. If it wasn't for the potential health issue, there's no WAY I'd agree to go within a 100 mile radius of her right now, let alone with her having a huge audience. But, she's closer than if we travelled to her home...its a decent compromise as far as $$ goes. As long as you are okay with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Be brave my friend, you can do this! Report in at every opportunity! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 18, 2011 Author Share Posted August 18, 2011 All that to say I hear you on the denial. Based on your other posts about MIL I'd be willing to bet she's further along this path than you realize. :grouphug: I've wondered about it for *years*. Reality of it is, though, she's ALWAYS been a hysterical, attention seeking NPD personality. So, hard to tell what could be dementia, and what is genuinely her. Her personality hasn't noticably changed. She's as high strung, demanding and unpleasant as family lore holds her to be, from the time she was a kid. As long as you are okay with it. I have to be. Doing what's right isn't always easy. Be brave my friend, you can do this! Report in at every opportunity! No laptop, so won't update until we're back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Play the PG card and let him go with the kids. Surely being 28 weeks pregnant it wouldn't be wise to travel, sleep in a tent, or see a MIL. :D As long as you are okay with it. OK - I see you are going to go. YOU are an amazing woman!!!!!!!!! You're still going? 28 weeks and all? I'm concerned about how uncomfortable you will be.:001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 I'd say it's time to learn about the beauties of separate vacations...:D Wolf takes the kids and you stay home and put your feet up for the weekend. That's what I'd do! :D I agree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 18, 2011 Author Share Posted August 18, 2011 OK - I see you are going to go. YOU are an amazing woman!!!!!!!!! You're still going? 28 weeks and all? I'm concerned about how uncomfortable you will be.:001_huh: I'd honestly rather not, but feel we *have* to. If we're right, and there's serious issues w/MIL's cognitive abilities, there's nobody else that's going to actually do anything about it. I'll likely sleep in the van, due to RSD. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DusksAngel Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 You are a good wife. :grouphug: BETTER than a Stepford. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 18, 2011 Author Share Posted August 18, 2011 You are a good wife. :grouphug: BETTER than a Stepford. :lol::lol::lol: I'm not dreading it any less today, tbh. I know its the right thing to do. I know it needs to be done. I'd still rather smack my head into the wall until I fall down unconcious. Boundaries are going to be the thing. NO, we will not drive you back home (she has transportation). NO, your friends may not grope my belly (she tried to invite ppl to paw me when I was pregnant with the Littles, and threw a fit when I wouldn't allow that, or even HER to maul me). NO, the children and I will not attend any of your religious services (she's tried to have our children dedicated in her church without even asking us). NO, you may not camp with us (she's got accomodations set up, and I need a safe zone). We do have an escape hatch of sorts. SDA are generally vegetarians/vegans. Which means that almost everything has wheat/gluten...heck, they MAKE gluten as a protien source. So, I can't risk eating *anything* that they'll be having, so we'll have to leave so I can eat. And, well...if it takes 3 hrs for me to eat... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 I think you are right, it is very important that someone check on your MIL. Not really all that spontaneous and not really a vacation but well...sometimes you have to do things you really do not want to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 18, 2011 Author Share Posted August 18, 2011 Well, its spontaneous in that we made the decision yesterday and its for this wknd. Normally, we take time to budget, as long as need be, before any big spend. I agree that it needs to happen...which is the only reason it is happening. Would be much easier to tolerate if I could reward myself with a drink or 3 afterwards :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 I would go but do your own thing when you get there. No need for you to hang out with mil and her friends, grab a book and a lawn chair and kick back lake side with a view of the mountains! Dh and the kids can go check up on mil. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 I'm glad you're going. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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