I keep getting asked, "How do you like being a new grandma?"

[Kathleen in VA]

I know people just trying to make conversation. I mean, I did just become a grandma for the first time (6/30). So they are trying to think of something to say and since that's the most recent big event in my life they ask about it. But I never know what to say. My granddaughter is only a month old. She lives about an hour away, so I don't see her very often. Dil had a c-section and is adjusting to a new baby - nursing, getting up in the middle of the night - normal first baby adjustments. Ds and dil live with her parents in their finished basement apartment (it's bigger than my house, lol). Dil has 2 sisters and her mom to help her with cleaning, meals, letting her catch a nap - she doesn't really need me to be there to help. If she were all alone in a house and far from family I'd be there for sure, but it just seems like it would be overkill right now.

 

I think dgd is adorable but I don't spend all my time thinking about how wonderful it is to be a grandma. I'm expecting that it will get more interesting as she grows and can smile and interact a bit. Right now she's just happy to be with her mommy.

 

I have had people say things like, "Now go out and spend money on her - that's what grandmas are for." I'm thinking now's not really the best time for that - she's got everything she needs and I don't really have a lot of spare cash, kwim?

 

Others think I should be driving the hour often (not sure just how often) so I can see and hold dgd. That's a lot of gas. I don't have the most reliable car in the world. She wouldn't really know if I were there or not right now. One lady at church seemed astonished - almost offended - that I don't drive down to see dgd every other day.

 

I did drive to the hospital 3 days in a row over the 4th of July weekend in horrific traffic (I'm near I-95 and DC and had to drive in the holiday beach traffic to get there) when she was born. Ds and dil have come to our house for lunch on Sunday afternoon twice, but they haven't been making it out to church every week (I get that - they're still getting to used to having a new baby and dil is still recovering from major surgery).

 

Anyway, I feel so at a loss when people (a LOT of people) ask me this question. I really don't know what to say. I mean, I usually just say, "Yes." I don't know how to elaborate because there really isn't much more to it than that. Like I said, I'm figuring as the baby grows there will be more to say, but for now it's just a non-issue for me.

 

I guess I'm just wondering if this is odd. Do other grandmas get super excited and gushy after their first grandchild is born? I'm just not there yet. I'm happy and I love her, but I'm not carrying a photo album around showing pictures to the grocery store clerk. I'm starting to think there must be something strange about that.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The answer to any question that is just making conversation from "How do you like being a new wife/mom/working woman/grandma" is an equally light answer of "It's great. How do you like your new house/dog/houseplant?"

[LibraryLover]

I *think* I would say, "I love it! The baby is gorgeous!"

 

I have a 22 yr old, so it's not out of the realm of possibility! My ds is still in school, but how amazing would it be to have a grandbaby! My son is not going there anytime soon (I don't think), but how darling would that baby be?????

 

Of course, I am going to be the obnoxious grannie with 5 zillion pix on my iPhone to whip out whenever. lol My friends will probably hate my guts. :lol::auto:

[Ellie]

I feel exactly the same way.:001_huh:

[Delighted3]

I feel the same way when people ask me how my newly married son is doing. He is in the army and lives 23 hours away. We talk maybe once every 2 weeks. I just smile and say "Oh, he is doing great. I just talked to him the other day and he is very happy." I would just say "I think she is the cutest thing ever. My son/daughter-in-law are great parents and we all just love her." I agree with Jean. Just be general and ask about them.

Joy

[Aelwydd]

I know people just trying to make conversation. I mean, I did just become a grandma for the first time (6/30). So they are trying to think of something to say and since that's the most recent big event in my life they ask about it. But I never know what to say. My granddaughter is only a month old. She lives about an hour away, so I don't see her very often. Dil had a c-section and is adjusting to a new baby - nursing, getting up in the middle of the night - normal first baby adjustments. Ds and dil live with her parents in their finished basement apartment (it's bigger than my house, lol). Dil has 2 sisters and her mom to help her with cleaning, meals, letting her catch a nap - she doesn't really need me to be there to help. If she were all alone in a house and far from family I'd be there for sure, but it just seems like it would be overkill right now.

 

I think dgd is adorable but I don't spend all my time thinking about how wonderful it is to be a grandma. I'm expecting that it will get more interesting as she grows and can smile and interact a bit. Right now she's just happy to be with her mommy.

 

I have had people say things like, "Now go out and spend money on her - that's what grandmas are for." I'm thinking now's not really the best time for that - she's got everything she needs and I don't really have a lot of spare cash, kwim?

 

Others think I should be driving the hour often (not sure just how often) so I can see and hold dgd. That's a lot of gas. I don't have the most reliable car in the world. She wouldn't really know if I were there or not right now. One lady at church seemed astonished - almost offended - that I don't drive down to see dgd every other day.

 

I did drive to the hospital 3 days in a row over the 4th of July weekend in horrific traffic (I'm near I-95 and DC and had to drive in the holiday beach traffic to get there) when she was born. Ds and dil have come to our house for lunch on Sunday afternoon twice, but they haven't been making it out to church every week (I get that - they're still getting to used to having a new baby and dil is still recovering from major surgery).

 

Anyway, I feel so at a loss when people (a LOT of people) ask me this question. I really don't know what to say. I mean, I usually just say, "Yes." I don't know how to elaborate because there really isn't much more to it than that. Like I said, I'm figuring as the baby grows there will be more to say, but for now it's just a non-issue for me.

 

I guess I'm just wondering if this is odd. Do other grandmas get super excited and gushy after their first grandchild is born? I'm just not there yet. I'm happy and I love her, but I'm not carrying a photo album around showing pictures to the grocery store clerk. I'm starting to think there must be something strange about that.

 

Some of the problem may be that they are operating on the almost subconscious assumption that, as a grandma, it's been many years since you had a little one, and so must be desperate to be around dgd. When, in reality, you're still mothering yourself. Your kids may be older, but it's not like you're sitting in an empty nest just counting the days until your gk come visit, KWIM?

 

Lots of grandparents are obsessed (I say this in a good way) with their grand babies, because that is a new stage to occupy their attentions, and gives them somewhere to direct their affections.

 

You're lucky enough to have skipped that gap between your kids leaving and older kids having babies. :001_smile:

[LibraryLover]

I have a little kid, and if my oldest had a baby, I would still be pretty excited! No?

 

Would people not ask ? If I know someone has recently had a grandchild, I do ask about the baby.

 

Is that really not OK?

Edited August 2, 2011 by LibraryLover

[zenjenn]

Yes, a lot of grandparents do get gushy, etc. My mom and mother-in-law did, and frankly, I wish they had been MORE like you. When I first became a new mom I wanted my space, and I did not want guests of ANY kind. I wanted to establish my own footing as a mother without the outside input from family matriarchs.

 

But, not everyone feels that way. I've come to realize that people respond to new motherhood and grandparent roles in VERY different ways.

[Kathleen in VA]

Thanks for the replies, everyone. I think part of the problem is that I'm not a very good conversationalist - I am often at a loss for how to respond in social situations. I find making small talk very exhausting. If you get me started on a topic I'm passionate about I never shut up, but if it's just passing the time of day I get stuck quickly.

 

Rebekah - I think you may have really hit on something. I do have a 15yo and a 12yo that I'm still actively homeschooling. Right now my thoughts have been about ds15 starting high school this year and if it really was the best idea to buy Omnibus II since he doesn't really like discussion, etc. etc. and what in the world am I going to use to teach dd12 to write? I mean, I'm always thinking about school stuff.

 

I guess if all my kids were out on their own, I'd be looking for an outlet for my affection, but it's not like that for me right now.

 

I asked a long time ago how to respond to all the people who always start their conversations with me with, "How's your back doing?" (I have 6 screws in my back from spinal fusion surgery). I guess I should just be grateful they've moved on to something more pleasant to discuss.:D

 

Libray Lover - yes, it's ok that they ask. I guess I'm just sensing this anticipation on their part that I'm going to just overflow with comments about how it's changed my life, how I'm so excited, how awesome being a grandma is, etc. It's just something I sense - perhaps not accurately - but I always feel like I'm disappointing them since I really am not feeling the WOW about it right now. I expect that to change, but right now, I'm just kind of calm about the whole thing.

[FO4UR]

:grouphug: I suppose you could write a bean dip recipe for Grandmas.

[Mrs Mungo]

I can sort of understand how you feel. I'm not as gushy as a lot of women. What you have to remember is that these are just small talk questions. They are not Biblical commandments and in *most* cases people really don't care that much. They are being polite by showing they know who you are and somewhat keep up with your life events.

 

Just say, "oh, it's great so far, the baby is adorable. How is the leg? I heard you had surgery." Just answer the question and then deflect the questions back to them. Statements like "spend lots of money" are just silly. Just say "oh, ha-ha, okay, I'll get right on that," or something.

[Kathleen in VA]

I can sort of understand how you feel. I'm not as gushy as a lot of women. What you have to remember is that these are just small talk questions. They are not Biblical commandments and in *most* cases people really don't care that much. They are being polite by showing they know who you are and somewhat keep up with your life events.

 

Just say, "oh, it's great so far, the baby is adorable. How is the leg? I heard you had surgery." Just answer the question and then deflect the questions back to them. Statements like "spend lots of money" are just silly. Just say "oh, ha-ha, okay, I'll get right on that," or something.

 

Thanks for the suggested responses. I think I need a manual on how to make small talk. I'm really lousy at it. Maybe I'm not very good at reading people either. It really does seem to me that they're expecting some kind of over-the-top giddiness and I feel like I'm disappointing them when I don't show that kind of emotion. I will try these comments (and others offered by previous posters) and see how it goes.

[Mrs Mungo]

Thanks for the suggested responses. I think I need a manual on how to make small talk. I'm really lousy at it. Maybe I'm not very good at reading people either. It really does seem to me that they're expecting some kind of over-the-top giddiness and I feel like I'm disappointing them when I don't show that kind of emotion. I will try these comments (and others offered by previous posters) and see how it goes.

 

Have you read How to Win Friends and Influence People? That's what he says. Answer the question and ask them a question. If you don't like talking about yourself, then you keep asking questions. People love to talk about themselves.

[LibraryLover]

Thanks for the replies, everyone. I think part of the problem is that I'm not a very good conversationalist - I am often at a loss for how to respond in social situations. I find making small talk very exhausting. If you get me started on a topic I'm passionate about I never shut up, but if it's just passing the time of day I get stuck quickly.

 

Rebekah - I think you may have really hit on something. I do have a 15yo and a 12yo that I'm still actively homeschooling. Right now my thoughts have been about ds15 starting high school this year and if it really was the best idea to buy Omnibus II since he doesn't really like discussion, etc. etc. and what in the world am I going to use to teach dd12 to write? I mean, I'm always thinking about school stuff.

 

I guess if all my kids were out on their own, I'd be looking for an outlet for my affection, but it's not like that for me right now.

 

I asked a long time ago how to respond to all the people who always start their conversations with me with, "How's your back doing?" (I have 6 screws in my back from spinal fusion surgery). I guess I should just be grateful they've moved on to something more pleasant to discuss.:D

 

Libray Lover - yes, it's ok that they ask. I guess I'm just sensing this anticipation on their part that I'm going to just overflow with comments about how it's changed my life, how I'm so excited, how awesome being a grandma is, etc. It's just something I sense - perhaps not accurately - but I always feel like I'm disappointing them since I really am not feeling the WOW about it right now. I expect that to change, but right now, I'm just kind of calm about the whole thing.

 

:) We know some folks who are starting to have g-children, and they do seem pretty happy to talk about it, so I did wonder. Our friends are all over the map, age-wise. I think I would be hurt if nobody asked after a grandbaby, even while I have a young child at home. I do have an age spread! lol I think I would like to talk about any grandbaby, especially given the fact that my oldest is very mature. It would not be something upsetting, I don't think. Oh, I don't know! If my 16 yr old had a child, well...that would be an issue! Ack. Dh and I were some of the first in our group to even have a baby. We have college/grad school friends with 1 year olds! It's hard to even have an opinion about much there. lol

 

I am not a grannie, so I do not know how I will really feel. . I know I was over-the-moon when my youngest sister had a baby! I gave her a baby shower and it was awesome. :) I have pix of him on my iPhone! lol I'll whip them out whenever! lol

Edited August 2, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Kathleen in VA]

:) We know some folks who are starting to have g-children, and they do seem pretty happy to talk about it, so I did wonder. Our friends are all over the map, age-wise. I think I would be hurt if nobody asked after a grandbaby, even while I have a young child at home. I am not old, lol, so I think I would like to talk about any grandbaby. Dh and I were the first in out group to even have a baby. We have college/grad school friends with 1 year olds! It's hard to even have an opinion about much there. lol

 

I am not a grannie, so I do not know how I will really feel. . I know I was over-the-moon when my youngest sister had a baby! I gave her a baby shower and it was awesome. :) I have pix of him on my iPhone! lol I'll whip them out whenever! lol

 

Ha! Yes, I'd be hurt too and whining about it here, lol. I guess I am just going to have to learn how to make conversation.

 

Mrs. Mungo - no, I've never read that book. I'm going to have to get that at the library next trip. The more I think about this, the more I think that must be the problem. I just have never learned how to make conversation. Give me a topic and I can whip out a 500-word essay in 20 minutes. Ask me how I like being a grandma and I just stare blankly. Gah!

[KungFuPanda]

My mom says that when your daughter has a baby, it's "our baby" right away. She gets full and immediate trust and access. When her sons have children, it's definitely some other woman's (and her mother's) baby and you have to bide your time and build trust gradually. The bonding takes longer, but she manages to have them all equally loved and spoiled long before they are walking and talking :-)

 

She also says that being a grandmother is great because you get all of the fun stuff and none of the responsibility unless you volunteer for it . . .even then you can sleep it off when the baby goes home.

[LibraryLover]

Ha! Yes, I'd be hurt too and whining about it here, lol. I guess I am just going to have to learn how to make conversation.

 

Mrs. Mungo - no, I've never read that book. I'm going to have to get that at the library next trip. The more I think about this, the more I think that must be the problem. I just have never learned how to make conversation. Give me a topic and I can whip out a 500-word essay in 20 minutes. Ask me how I like being a grandma and I just stare blankly. Gah!

 

 

LOL I am not there, so I do not really know. But how about smiling in the mirror a few times, "The baby is so darling and they are doing well. Thank you for asking!" And then do the Mrs Mungo thing, "How does Bill Jr like his new job?! Does he like Dallas/Boston/Manitoba?"

 

LOL Crazy?

Edited August 2, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Jean in Newcastle]

I guess if all my kids were out on their own, I'd be looking for an outlet for my affection, but it's not like that for me right now.

 

 

 

With closer friends, there is nothing wrong with saying "I'm glad that I'm a grandma but I'm so busy with the kids I still have at home that I can't focus on that right now." I wouldn't say that to people I didn't know well, though. Not because it would be wrong to, but because it might require too much additional explanation!

[LibraryLover]

With closer friends, there is nothing wrong with saying "I'm glad that I'm a grandma but I'm so busy with the kids I still have at home that I can't focus on that right now." I wouldn't say that to people I didn't know well, though. Not because it would be wrong to, but because it might require too much additional explanation!

 

 

I'd totally not go there with anyone. LOL I woud *never* want those words possibly finding their way back to my kids. I would have cried big fat GIANT post -partum river tears if I learned my mother had said that.

 

"I am so happy! They are doing well! The baby is beautiful!" Those are the only things a new parent wants a garandparent to say.

Edited August 2, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'd totally not go there with anyone. LOL

 

My close friends and I are really close. We're pretty direct with each other.

[LibraryLover]

My close friends and I are really close. We're pretty direct with each other.

 

 

As long as I could kill them later. ;) lol

 

Kidding. I might only say such a thing to my sister or husband. Even then, there's no way I would want the kids to ever find out! I can only imagine someone with dementia --years later --telling my kid, 'You know, when your baby was born, your mother was not thrilled! (or worse lol). "

 

LOL Seriously...that can happen. Yet I really do understand that we need friends we trust and can confide! I am sure becoming a grandparent stirs many emotions that need TLC!

 

"The baby is so beautiful! We are so happy for our daughter/son!" are my lines

and I am sticking to them! :D PS Lightening --do not strike my teenage son!

Edited August 2, 2011 by LibraryLover

[ktgrok]

I am going to gently say that you need to go see her once a week. Her MIL can help with dishes and laundry, but only you are her mom. She needs her mom right now. This is an incredibly hard time for a woman, and I think seeing you, having you stop by with dinner, would really be important. My mother didn't do that for me, and I always have resented it a bit....I would have loved to just have my mama, you know?

 

Go, bring some dinner (even if it is just sandwiches you made and a bag of chips), maybe some nice unscented lotion for her, or a magazine or something. A favorite candy bar. Something to pamper her.

 

As for feeling all gushy, eh. Some people are newborn people, and get gushy over all newborns. Sounds like you like them when they are more interactive, which is fine. But honestly, you are not going to bond with her if you don't see her.

 

Edited to add: oops! She is your DIL, not your daughter? Well, I still think a visit from you would be nice for your son, to bring him and her some sandwiches, but the emotional issue is moot. Never mind. I'm sure your son loves you, but he's not the one dealing with surgery, lol.

Edited August 2, 2011 by ktgrok

[Sophia]

 

Do other grandmas get super excited and gushy after their first grandchild is born?

 

I fully expect to get gushy and super excited when my g'kids are born.

In fact, I'm sure people will run the other way when they see me coming, lol!

Look at this way...it beats being asked "When are you due?" a gazillion times in your 9th month of pregnancy ;).

[Kathleen in VA]

I fully expect to get gushy and super excited when my g'kids are born.

In fact, I'm sure people will run the other way when they see me coming, lol!

Look at this way...it beats being asked "When are you due?" a gazillion times in your 9th month of pregnancy ;).

 

No kidding, lol. Btw, love the Paul Washer quote.:)

[Tammyla]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Aww, congratulations. Maybe whip out a handful of photos...

[unsinkable]

I was the DIL that was told that my children weren't REAL grandchild because I was a DIL and not a DAUGHTER.

 

It HURT to be treated differently and have my kids treated differently than the grandchildren born to my husband's sisters.

 

It hurt my husband, too. The kids are HIS kids and he was his parents' son. Why does that make them LESS THAN?

 

(It is all water under the bridge now b/c my parent-IL's have died.)

[Impish]

My mom says that when your daughter has a baby, it's "our baby" right away. She gets full and immediate trust and access. When her sons have children, it's definitely some other woman's (and her mother's) baby and you have to bide your time and build trust gradually. The bonding takes longer, but she manages to have them all equally loved and spoiled long before they are walking and talking :-)

 

She also says that being a grandmother is great because you get all of the fun stuff and none of the responsibility unless you volunteer for it . . .even then you can sleep it off when the baby goes home.

My mother feels the same way. One of the many benefits to having moved cross country is not having to deal with that.

 

My *Dad* actually called and thanked me for being "so generous with your kids when they were babies" :001_huh: Apparently their DILs were really restrictive with them being able to hold newborns, etc. *shrug* My parents have only been around 2 of my kids when they were babies!

 

I'm not an 'our baby' person. At. All. The only 'our baby' is when talking to Wolf, lol!

 

All that aside...OP, I think you're doing wonderfully. You are respecting their space, time, energy. You're not haunting their door step, and being overbearing. Sounds to me like you've managed to strike a good balance.

[KungFuPanda]

I was the DIL that was told that my children weren't REAL grandchild because I was a DIL and not a DAUGHTER.

 

It HURT to be treated differently and have my kids treated differently than the grandchildren born to my husband's sisters.

 

It hurt my husband, too. The kids are HIS kids and he was his parents' son. Why does that make them LESS THAN?

 

(It is all water under the bridge now b/c my parent-IL's have died.)

 

I think you would have LOVED to have my mom as a grandmother. She would have loved to hop in and help with everything from day 1, it's just that her daughters allowed this and her DILs either had their own mothers doing this already OR were less comfortable with that level of familiarity in the very beginning. Mom loves nothing more than constant access to her grandchildren, and she's capable without being pushy, but it just wasn't immediately granted with those first babies. Nobody crosses a nervous new mother and lives to tell about it!

 

By the time everyone had their second babies, things had evened out more. Still, the DILs prefered to have their own mothers in the delivery room, but that left mom in her happy place having sleepovers with the toddler/preschooler first borns :-)

[unsinkable]

I think you would have LOVED to have my mom as a grandmother. She would have loved to hop in and help with everything from day 1, it's just that her daughters allowed this and her DILs either had their own mothers doing this already OR were less comfortable with that level of familiarity in the very beginning. Mom loves nothing more than constant access to her grandchildren, and she's capable without being pushy, but it just wasn't immediately granted with those first babies. Nobody crosses a nervous new mother and lives to tell about it!

 

By the time everyone had their second babies, things had evened out more. Still, the DILs prefered to have their own mothers in the delivery room, but that left mom in her happy place having sleepovers with the toddler/preschooler first borns :-)

 

I probably would have loved your mom. My mom died when I was a teenager so I can't tell you have much I needed a mom/grandma in my life when my babies were born.

[Kari C in SC]

I know people just trying to make conversation. I mean, I did just become a grandma for the first time (6/30). So they are trying to think of something to say and since that's the most recent big event in my life they ask about it. But I never know what to say. My granddaughter is only a month old. She lives about an hour away, so I don't see her very often. Dil had a c-section and is adjusting to a new baby - nursing, getting up in the middle of the night - normal first baby adjustments. Ds and dil live with her parents in their finished basement apartment (it's bigger than my house, lol). Dil has 2 sisters and her mom to help her with cleaning, meals, letting her catch a nap - she doesn't really need me to be there to help. If she were all alone in a house and far from family I'd be there for sure, but it just seems like it would be overkill right now.

 

I think dgd is adorable but I don't spend all my time thinking about how wonderful it is to be a grandma. I'm expecting that it will get more interesting as she grows and can smile and interact a bit. Right now she's just happy to be with her mommy.

 

I have had people say things like, "Now go out and spend money on her - that's what grandmas are for." I'm thinking now's not really the best time for that - she's got everything she needs and I don't really have a lot of spare cash, kwim?

 

Others think I should be driving the hour often (not sure just how often) so I can see and hold dgd. That's a lot of gas. I don't have the most reliable car in the world. She wouldn't really know if I were there or not right now. One lady at church seemed astonished - almost offended - that I don't drive down to see dgd every other day.

 

I did drive to the hospital 3 days in a row over the 4th of July weekend in horrific traffic (I'm near I-95 and DC and had to drive in the holiday beach traffic to get there) when she was born. Ds and dil have come to our house for lunch on Sunday afternoon twice, but they haven't been making it out to church every week (I get that - they're still getting to used to having a new baby and dil is still recovering from major surgery).

 

Anyway, I feel so at a loss when people (a LOT of people) ask me this question. I really don't know what to say. I mean, I usually just say, "Yes." I don't know how to elaborate because there really isn't much more to it than that. Like I said, I'm figuring as the baby grows there will be more to say, but for now it's just a non-issue for me.

 

I guess I'm just wondering if this is odd. Do other grandmas get super excited and gushy after their first grandchild is born? I'm just not there yet. I'm happy and I love her, but I'm not carrying a photo album around showing pictures to the grocery store clerk. I'm starting to think there must be something strange about that.

 

 

I think there are all different kinds of grandmas. I would be the kind you are describing that is running out there and buying things. That doesn't make it right, it just makes it me. I will say this... enjoy every single moment of it. My dh and I have struggled a lot the past 4 months because our nephew and his wife had their first baby. They live right down the street from us. Our nephew is the same age our oldest son would be. It is bittersweet holding their baby girl and knowing that we will not ever have that with our son. Not telling you this to make you feel like you should drive out every day or even every week. Just reminding you to embrace this and soak it all in.

[happypamama]

I definitely think having your own children still at home is affecting the "gushing." Don't worry about it! Just say, "oh, it's great; baby is cute, doing well; it's so sweet to see my son jump into being a dad. . . " (If they're old friends who knew your son as a boy, they may appreciate that last comment.) You might want to have one or two pictures with you for people who ask. (Oh, and if comments might ever get back to your DIL, talk her up too. Of course you're proud of your son, but relationships between MILs and DILs are complicated, and I know I love when I hear that I've impressed my MIL!)

 

As for going to see the baby, every day seems a bit much! But maybe once a week would be good, especially if you can call and offer to bring a meal or stop at the store or something. That way, your son and DIL know you care, and you and your dgd will get to know each other (and yes, for many people, it's way more fun when they start to interact and show personality), but you're still giving them plenty of space and rest. I personally like a fair amount of quiet and rest when I have a new baby, and even though I truly love and adore both my mom and MIL, I don't like to share my babies or my space very much, so having them here every day would be too much for me! I think you are doing just fine!! (And the spending money thing is silly -- if she's all set with the stuff she needs, it's ridiculous to overwhelm her parents with more stuff, just for the sake of doing so!)

 

(And I do think the relationship is a bit different with your son's children vs. your daughter's. My MIL is a wonderful mom, grandmother, and friend, but our relationship is different from the one she has with her own daughter, or that I have with my own mom. I'm also more likely to take gestures differently from my mom vs. my MIL, which is my fault, really. So probably treading carefully with your DIL is a good move. :) )

 

But you sound like a wonderful grandma -- I expect you and dgd will have lots of fun together as she gets older!

[Kathleen in VA]

I was the DIL that was told that my children weren't REAL grandchild because I was a DIL and not a DAUGHTER.

 

It HURT to be treated differently and have my kids treated differently than the grandchildren born to my husband's sisters.

 

It hurt my husband, too. The kids are HIS kids and he was his parents' son. Why does that make them LESS THAN?

 

(It is all water under the bridge now b/c my parent-IL's have died.)

 

Not sure if you're saying this is what I am doing.:confused: I certainly don't feel this way. My dil has been my friend for many years - long before she married my son. We go to the same church - I've known her since she was about 6 months old and her mom and I are very, very good friends. They know our financial situation and know that driving to see dgd would be a strain money-wise as well as physically (for my back's sake). I don't have any other grandchildren to treat differently. Not sure what you're trying to say here.

 

 

I think there are all different kinds of grandmas. I would be the kind you are describing that is running out there and buying things. That doesn't make it right, it just makes it me. I will say this... enjoy every single moment of it. My dh and I have struggled a lot the past 4 months because our nephew and his wife had their first baby. They live right down the street from us. Our nephew is the same age our oldest son would be. It is bittersweet holding their baby girl and knowing that we will not ever have that with our son. Not telling you this to make you feel like you should drive out every day or even every week. Just reminding you to embrace this and soak it all in.

 

Thanks, Kari - I appreciate your perspective. :grouphug:

[Teachin'Mine]

I assumed that they were just making polite conversation, but suggesting that it's wrong that you're not there several times a week ... well they need to get a life.

 

Best way you can get them to change the subject or come up with some excuse to get away, is the next time you're there, take lots of pictures - and I mean LOTS of pictures of the little one :D - and pull them out to show them each.and.every.single.one. Be sure to note how each and every facial expression is just slightly different and isn't she just the most beautiful baby they've ever seen and ... well, you get the idea. :tongue_smilie: They'll be coming up with very creative excuses to get away and probably won't be mentioning your granddaughter nearly so much. :lol:

[Kathleen in VA]

I definitely think having your own children still at home is affecting the "gushing." Don't worry about it! Just say, "oh, it's great; baby is cute, doing well; it's so sweet to see my son jump into being a dad. . . " (If they're old friends who knew your son as a boy, they may appreciate that last comment.) You might want to have one or two pictures with you for people who ask. (Oh, and if comments might ever get back to your DIL, talk her up too. Of course you're proud of your son, but relationships between MILs and DILs are complicated, and I know I love when I hear that I've impressed my MIL!)

 

As for going to see the baby, every day seems a bit much! But maybe once a week would be good, especially if you can call and offer to bring a meal or stop at the store or something. That way, your son and DIL know you care, and you and your dgd will get to know each other (and yes, for many people, it's way more fun when they start to interact and show personality), but you're still giving them plenty of space and rest. I personally like a fair amount of quiet and rest when I have a new baby, and even though I truly love and adore both my mom and MIL, I don't like to share my babies or my space very much, so having them here every day would be too much for me! I think you are doing just fine!! (And the spending money thing is silly -- if she's all set with the stuff she needs, it's ridiculous to overwhelm her parents with more stuff, just for the sake of doing so!)

 

(And I do think the relationship is a bit different with your son's children vs. your daughter's. My MIL is a wonderful mom, grandmother, and friend, but our relationship is different from the one she has with her own daughter, or that I have with my own mom. I'm also more likely to take gestures differently from my mom vs. my MIL, which is my fault, really. So probably treading carefully with your DIL is a good move. :) )

 

But you sound like a wonderful grandma -- I expect you and dgd will have lots of fun together as she gets older!

 

I really like that suggestion for a reply. I do enjoy seeing my son become a father - I expect he will be a particularly wonderful dad since he's such a wonderful son.:) Also, I am amazingly blessed to have what I consider the best dil in the entire world. She is truly a gift - very sweet, loving, capable. She's the oldest of 4 daughters and has always been her mom's right hand when it came to caring for the littles (there are 8 children in her family - 3 of whom are under ten years). I'm very blessed in that I have no worries when it comes to the three of them as a little family - they are so dear. I don't really feel like I'm treading carefully - I don't fear being overbearing or annoying. She just doesn't really need my help right now. Everyone there is being a great help and encouragement to her.

[unsinkable]

Not sure if you're saying this is what I am doing.:confused: I certainly don't feel this way. My dil has been my friend for many years - long before she married my son. We go to the same church - I've known her since she was about 6 months old and her mom and I are very, very good friends. They know our financial situation and know that driving to see dgd would be a strain money-wise as well as physically (for my back's sake). I don't have any other grandchildren to treat differently. Not sure what you're trying to say here.

 

My post was in response to the posts about treating DILs differently than daughters. I am sorry I didn't make that clear.

 

 

 

Thanks, Kari - I appreciate your perspective. :grouphug:

 

.

[Kathleen in VA]

I assumed that they were just making polite conversation' date=' but suggesting that it's wrong that you're not there several times a week ... well they need to get a life.

 

Best way you can get them to change the subject or come up with some excuse to get away, is the next time you're there, take lots of pictures - and I mean LOTS of pictures of the little one :D - and pull them out to show them each.and.every.single.one. Be sure to note how each and every facial expression is just slightly different and isn't she just the most beautiful baby they've ever seen and ... well, you get the idea. :tongue_smilie: They'll be coming up with very creative excuses to get away and probably won't be mentioning your granddaughter nearly so much. :lol:[/quote']

 

:lol:Yes, I suppose having a brag book of photos would scare them away especially if I spend a few minutes on each one. I've printed off a bunch to send to far away non-digital age family but have been content not to have any of my own - I have a ton on the computer, just not hard copies. Guess I'll have to get busy on that today.

[Kathleen in VA]

Unsinkable, In the words (or word, rather) of my 12yo daughter:

 

Ooooooohhhhhhh!

 

I get you now.:)

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I don't have any life changing advice but I know what you mean.

 

----

 

Most of this was deleted because I didn't want it to be about me. Sorry.

Edited August 2, 2011 by The Dragon Academy

[ktgrok]

I really like that suggestion for a reply. I do enjoy seeing my son become a father - I expect he will be a particularly wonderful dad since he's such a wonderful son.:) Also, I am amazingly blessed to have what I consider the best dil in the entire world. She is truly a gift - very sweet, loving, capable. She's the oldest of 4 daughters and has always been her mom's right hand when it came to caring for the littles (there are 8 children in her family - 3 of whom are under ten years). I'm very blessed in that I have no worries when it comes to the three of them as a little family - they are so dear. I don't really feel like I'm treading carefully - I don't fear being overbearing or annoying. She just doesn't really need my help right now. Everyone there is being a great help and encouragement to her.

 

I get that. But at the same time your son might appreciate some moral support. And it would be good to make sure you show an interest in the baby. Remember, right now they feel like they made the first baby on earth, lol. That is how proud they are. They will want to share that with people, and have other people tell them how amazing the baby is too. So find that balance between doing what is needed, doing what would be appreciated, and doing what you can manage.

[arghmatey]

Yes, OP, many grandmothers go nuts and earn timeouts and cutoffs soon after the birth of their first grandchild.

 

Good for you for having a life!

 

The people asking, however, are just making polite small talk, as you mentioned. A generic, "We are so happy" is a good response, even if it has nothing to do with the baby.

 

I think an appropriate response to anyone commenting on how you should spend money is a smile and "I will keep that in mind". If you are good friends with them and permit this line of conversation, then be honest about how you don't think that's your role a a grandmother.

[6packofun]

You could say something like, "You know, it's still so new after just a month...ask me again in a year because I think it will take that long to know for sure!" LOL I always like to have a few responses ready for questions that seem to pop up continually.

 

But then they might just return to the questions about your back. :D

[Danestress]

to these questions, because people are not wanting honest answers. If you hated being a grandmother, I would expect you to give the same answer that I would expect you to give if the baby lived with you and were the answer to every hope and dream you ever had. To wit: "Oh, it's great. She's just the sweetest thing. I know her parents are looking forward to her sleeping through the night...." that kind of thing.

 

And to the "spend money" thing, I think the only real answer is, "Yes, aren't baby clothes just the cutest? Of course I want to buy every little outfit I see. I'd buy that baby a pink pony if I could."

 

That's all people want - to share in your joy. You don't have to actually feel a tremendous amount of joy to be complaint here. It's just part of the conversation. Soul searching not required.

[KungFuPanda]

:lol:Yes, I suppose having a brag book of photos would scare them away especially if I spend a few minutes on each one. I've printed off a bunch to send to far away non-digital age family but have been content not to have any of my own - I have a ton on the computer, just not hard copies. Guess I'll have to get busy on that today.

 

Oh,oh,oh . . . Get one of those digital keychain photo frame thingies. You can assault them with a hundred photos without adding weight to your purse!!!!!

[happypamama]

I really like that suggestion for a reply. I do enjoy seeing my son become a father - I expect he will be a particularly wonderful dad since he's such a wonderful son.:)

 

 

 

That came from something my MIL said, when she was telling us about running into an old elementary teacher of DH's who asked how he was, and MIL was thrilled to say that he was a dad four times. So that gives you a great response to the small talk questions.

 

I'm very blessed in that I have no worries when it comes to the three of them as a little family - they are so dear. I don't really feel like I'm treading carefully - I don't fear being overbearing or annoying. She just doesn't really need my help right now. Everyone there is being a great help and encouragement to her.

 

Oh, it sounds like you are doing just fine then! As long as she and your son know that you're there if they need you, then I would totally not worry about it. There will be plenty of time to get to know your dgd. :)