Bedroom inspection/searches

[swellmomma]

Do any of you with teens/tweens do random bedroom searches/inspections? I was thinking about this tonight as I was decluttering the girls room which meant going through desk drawers etc. I have always done random room searches. The kids know about them, and are used to them so they don't bat an eye about it. I have told them that just as I randomly check their emails/internet usage, I also will continue to randomly check their rooms. I do leave diaries etc alone, but it is pretty hard for them to be hiding anything in there when I go through drawers(I take them right out and look under them), under the furniture etc. At this point they are not trying to hide anything, I just wanted them to expect it before they were teens and suddenly I am wanting to do them.

 

(Then again I also have done random pocket checks when we are leaving a store ever since I caught my oldest trying to shoplift).

 

Do any of you do this or am I the only one crazy enough to think it will help me "catch" things before they are out of hand (thinking drugs, cigarettes, cutting tools, lighters/matches in the case of my pyro kid etc)?

[eternalknot]

I don't do them, but my kids and I share a sleeping room so there isn't much they could hide that I wouldn't happen upon - either intentionally or unintentionally. The other rooms are always fair game, so are subject to random searches I suppose. Search, for us, to mean: we're missing a part or piece or something and have to tear apart the house to find it. It happens frequently enough. We're not neatniks LOL.

 

I think it's an interesting idea to get them accustomed to the idea before an actual need to search arises. I think this would definitely work for certain kids' personalities. I don't think it would work for mine. They are very much of the fairness/justice mindset, and would feel offended if I were to search without just reason or cause. I was the same way as a kid; the whole "if you already assume I'm doing x, what's my incentive to not really ever do it?" - there is no one size fits all in the parenting world!

 

If I were doing random searches, I think my kids would become more resourceful about what/how they were hiding things. It sort of reminds me of the whole TSA security thing -- minus the element of surprise, the deception becomes harder to detect. If I were doing random searches, I think I'd conduct them without making the child aware; that feels 'wrong' to me, though, especially if there's no just cause to be searching. I have friends who have no problem searching their kids rooms and reading through their diaries; I think it's an indvidual call, and only you know your family and situation well enough to say if it's a good idea for you.

 

I have a nephew who ... sweet as molasses, and just as slow in the common sense department. Definitely not the sharpest crayon in the bunch. He'd try to become more resourceful at hiding things if he knew I were doing random searches (using your example of matches/lighters) but he's not sharp enough to be really good at hiding them from me. I consider this a good thing FWIW. His hiding places would remain relatively obvious or easy enough to uncover, even if he knew I were doing random searches. So your strategy might work on someone like him.

[Pamela H in Texas]

No, we don't do any such thing. I would if I felt it necessary, if I had a reason to suspect a real concern.

[Perry]

No, we don't do any such thing. I would if I felt it necessary, if I had a reason to suspect a real concern.

:iagree:

 

I want my kids to feel like they have some privacy, and I wouldn't go looking for something unless I was really worried about their safety and welfare.

 

I do keep an eye on their twitter and facebook, because those things by nature aren't private. They don't have a problem with that.

 

I trust my kids and give them the benefit of the doubt. They trust me. If I started snooping in their rooms I know that would change and would hurt our relationship.

[Desert Rat]

No, the situation has arisen yet, but my kiddos are young. I do think that it would have to be a serious (VERY) offense for me to search their rooms.

I do monitor their computer usage. I will keep tabs on their emails/social sites, only because kids can easily get involved with something they shouldn't, sometimes through no fault of their own.

However, for me, searching their rooms without probable cause or suspicion (just random, like the OP states) would be an invasion of privacy and would negatively impact the trust I'm trying to build.

[Mergath]

My dd is far too young for this to have come up yet, but she will have my trust and respect for her privacy unless she does something to earn my distrust. Honestly, I couldn't imagine doing that without a fairly serious reason. And in my mind, being a teenager doesn't constitute a good enough reason.

 

Also, from my experience, teens are too smart to hide stuff like that in their bedrooms. ;)

[akmommy]

I want my kids to feel like they have some privacy, and I wouldn't go looking for something unless I was really worried about their safety and welfare.

:iagree:

 

Mine know that we as their parents have the right to search their rooms at anytime, but until they give us probable cause we choose to respect their privacy.

[twoforjoy]

Also, from my experience, teens are too smart to hide stuff like that in their bedrooms. ;)

 

:iagree: Especially if they know you are searching. If they want to hide stuff, they'll find places to hide it.

[coffeegal]

:iagree:

 

Mine know that we as their parents have the right to search their rooms at anytime, but until they give us probable cause we choose to respect their privacy.

 

:iagree: They were also informed that any searches would be conducted in their presence. If a search became necessary, we would sit the teen down, explain the situation, and search the room at that time with the teen present.

[Harriet Vane]

It's not such an easy question to answer.

 

I do not conduct random searches, and yes, I feel that privacy is important to my children. They've earned my trust.

 

I care routinely for a couple of kids. One of those children is sneaky, dishonest, and a bit of a bully. Every.single.time I am with this child, I have to address dishonesty or bullying behavior. This child has also been known to steal on more than one occasion. It is literally every.single.time. This child's father and siblings experience this with this child as well--it's a real problem. For this child, I absolutely can and do search. This child has given ample reason for it, and this child has not shown positive steps towards repentance for a long, long time. (Yes, I am worried sick about this child, and have been for some time.)

 

I know from many of your other posts that your son has some real struggles that have required both medical and behavioral intervention. With the kinds of struggles you have described at other times, I would say that your rule about mama having open access to everything is a good one. Just be careful to exercise your access while still affording dignity and courtesy and, when and wherever possible, allowing respect for those natural desires for privacy. It's a path to walk with prayer.

[Audrey]

No, we don't do any such thing. I would if I felt it necessary, if I had a reason to suspect a real concern.

 

 

This.

 

I'm afraid I can't contribute anything else positive to the discussion.

[NanceXToo]

No, we don't do any such thing. I would if I felt it necessary, if I had a reason to suspect a real concern.

 

:iagree:

 

I've never had anything to worry about with my special needs teen so it's never come up.

 

My next oldest is a couple of months away from turning 11 and I've never felt the need to do this with her. If I ever had some sort of suspicion or concern about something, I wouldn't hesitate to do it. But to just randomly do it for no reason? No. I would think that would make them feel like I didn't trust them and/or they couldn't trust me, which is not a feeling I'd want to induce. I also think it would just make them think of great hiding places should the need ever arise so that if it ever came up that I really felt like I should be "looking," I'd never find anything.

[SailorMom]

Older DS is 14. We do random Facebook checks (just to make sure he isn't friending strangers ot posting anything we think is innappropriate), but I have never searched his room.

To me - the implication would be that we had no trust for him at all. I've told him that as long as he continues ot make good decisions, and acts responsibly, we'll trust him. Now - we won't let him have a girl in his room with the door closed, and normal things like that - but actually searching his room seems very extreme.

If there was ever a time that I was suspicious - I would search without warning.

[Parrothead]

I have a tween. We've not felt the need to do room searches. Our lifestyle is such that at this time (and even later) the opportunity for contraband is slim.

 

I do help with room decluttering a few times a year. I have to because dd has so much stuff one could conceivably loose a baby elephant in there. But I don't "search" behind drawers, between mattresses or anything like that for more than stray papers toys clutter in general.

[K-FL]

 

Also, from my experience, teens are too smart to hide stuff like that in their bedrooms. ;)

 

You'd think, but a local 19yo living @ home had $1000s of stolen goods in his room. Over 30 car/home robberies & they found lots of the goods in his room. They caught him when he started bragging on FB how easy it was!

[justamouse]

Nope. Her room is kept neat, and we don't have that kind of relationship. I trust her and she's more than earned it.

 

I did that to my oldest one. Our relationship is a nightmare and I hope and pray that one day it's healed. Not that random searches were the root of it, but that whole zeitgiest was.

[Pretty in Pink]

Granted, my ds isn't quite 13 yet but I do not do random room searches. I can't imagine doing so unless he had given us serious cause to distrust him. It seems like such a violation of privacy. Additionally, it seems to communicate distrust. I don't want to set up that dynamic unnecessarily in my relationship with my son.

 

I also wouldn't read journals or go through his emails without cause.

[BMW]

One of my boys has stolen regularly during the past several years. He knows that I will do random checks on his backpack and in his room. Also, having several boys in ages so close, when they lived here all at the same time, they would steal from each other. Once in a while I would go through closets/drawers, etc. to help track down missing/taken items. They know that I do not read their personal papers (diaries or notes). A couple of times I had to search a 16 yr old's drawers and things... but only after my trust and their personal safety was compromised.

 

When it comes to internet, they know that either parent may access their accounts if we are alarmed about something. I have only used that card once in their upbringing. I suspect I will use it more as my younger boys enter the email and facebook stage that we allow in high school....

 

My mom would go through our rooms and clean, sometimes with us, sometimes while we were at school. We never felt violated. We were always very open with her about everything. I wouldn't bring it up on purpose or plan on having them know that I would do random bedroom searches... They know I am here to turn to... They know I will check on them if needed for their safety. So far it has just worked out without having to "plan" for it.

[mrsrevmeg]

Honestly, I couldn't imagine doing that without a fairly serious reason. And in my mind, being a teenager doesn't constitute a good enough reason.

 

Also, from my experience, teens are too smart to hide stuff like that in their bedrooms. ;)

 

Some of the worst kids I know are really good at making their parents think they are wonderful.

[redsquirrel]

No, but my kids aren't your kids. I have never really had to deal with lying or stealing etc. If I did I might have a different opinion.

 

I grew up with a sister who was a thief, so if I had complaints or suspicion about my kids I would be all over it.

[Lara in Colo]

We have random "sheet changing" nights. I will pick a night and we will all change the sheets on a bed during a commercial. The whole family helps and the bed can be done in a matter of minutes, next commercial, we do another bed until the whole house is done. This way I am in the room, there is no warning, but I have reason to be there and everyone is involved.

I have no guilt, however, if I want to do room checks. I don't believe my children have a right to privacy (unless they are naked). I don't think they need it for more than a few hours at a time (everyone deserves alone time) and there is no place in my house I don't deserve to inspect. I have no problem reading a diary if I think it may have stuff I need to know (like suicidal thoughts). My husband can see anything I have and I can see anything of his. Families are no place to have secrets from each other.

[Joanne]

I told my kids for years that I will NOT search their stuff or room unless I saw a constellation of signs that pointed to drug/alcohol use or other risky behavior.

 

However, I do give myself permission (and their knowledge) to enter their rooms in search of contraband plates, cups and garbage. I say contraband because they are not supposed to take that stuff in their rooms.

[mjselmk]

I require my kids to keep their rooms relatively clean, but I don't inspect their personal belongings. I would absolutely do so though if I felt that the situation warranted it. I'm talking drugs or something, not just rude teen behavior. I prefer to give them the benifit of the doubt and a bit of privacy as they grow into their teenage years, although my kids are pretty open people. On the other hand, we are very strict with internet usage and pretty selective about unsupervised social activities.

 

As an aside, most of the super rebellious, hellion type type teenagers I knew (ahem, myself included) grew up to be pretty decent adults. I think as scary as that stuff can be for the parents, statistically speaking, most kids turn out just fine.

[Joanne]

As an aside, most of the super rebellious, hellion type type teenagers I knew (ahem, myself included) grew up to be pretty decent adults. I think as scary as that stuff can be for the parents, statistically speaking, most kids turn out just fine.

 

I think this is statistically accurate. It is developmentally expected that teens and young adults might explore, express, and experiement. Most who do return to sanity, or gain some insight, eventually. ;)

 

It is especially true for those who have been raised either authoratively or authoratatively, and not in "at risk" situations. (Permissive and indulgent parenting has the worst outcomes, research shows.)

[Joyofsixreboot]

No. I would only do it if I were suspicious of something and their safety was at stake. I would probably never search 19yo's room since she is an adult. I would ask her to leave however.

[swellmomma]

Thanks for the different view points ladies. I had not thought of it from the angle of them thinking I don't trust them, I guess because when it comes to my oldest in particular I don't. I do know that since I instituted the room checks (and pocket checks), ds has not stolen or been involved in anymore fires. I asked about it here because it feels weird to me to do it, but given my kids behaviour I don't want anything slipping by me kwim.

 

They are used to me checking their rooms, though I usually do it under the guise of cleaning/decluttering. Last night I really was just cleaning, dd is a bit of a hoarder and I wanted to clear out the garbage etc before she returned from camp and it got me thinking. The last time I did an actual room search was probably about 6 months ago, so it is certainly not an all the time thing kwim. I jsut want to make sure I am not missing out on things that could be compromising the kids therapy, or indicating criminal behaviour. I never know exactly what the right thing to do is with them and wasn't sure if I was completely off my rocker doing these or if other people do them or would do them based on behaviour (and not just normal rudeness/sassiness).

[goldberry]

I do help with room decluttering a few times a year. I have to because dd has so much stuff one could conceivably loose a baby elephant in there.

 

This is what I was doing today actually! DD knows I do this, so I suspect that would be in the back of her mind if she were considering hiding something. I have told her I wouldn't read her diaries unless I had reason to suspect a safety issue.

 

When she got email, I told her upfront that I would check it every so often and especially if I thought anything was going on. I plan to do the same with her cell phone when she gets one. I do think it takes some of the temptation away.

 

 

Note to Parrothead....where does all this stuff come from??? I consider our family conservative purchasers, and she STILL has a ton of stuff!!

[goldberry]

Also, I don't think it's about "not trusting them", I think it just lessens temptations.

 

DD had an internet issue after which we got Net Nanny. She was looking for something that was being blocked due to "swimsuit/intimate apparel". I removed the block so she could look for it.

 

She actually reminded me the next day to put the block back on! We did discuss when we got the filter that it doesn't take away her need to use self-control and good judgment. But I really got the impression she preferred to not have that temptation there.

[LaxMom]

I have a tween. We've not felt the need to do room searches. Our lifestyle is such that at this time (and even later) the opportunity for contraband is slim.

 

I do help with room decluttering a few times a year. I have to because dd has so much stuff one could conceivably loose a baby elephant in there. But I don't "search" behind drawers, between mattresses or anything like that for more than stray papers toys clutter in general.

 

That's us, too. We maintain access to our children's rooms. We're not searching, we're cleaning, decluttering, straightening. (The place is an absolute sty. The best way to hide contraband would be to simply drop it on the floor with everything else)

 

Our kids are with us pretty much 24/7. The 10yo has done a couple sleepovers this spring/summer, but then she was with her coaches' families.

 

So, yeah, if they have opportunity to procure them, I would suggest stashing their booze and bong somewhere else. Like under my bed, which I think has eaten two of my favorite shoes (from different pairs).

 

FTR: I do not put a great deal of emphasis on personal privacy. The marital bedroom is a "knock and wait to be asked in" zone, if the door is shut, and not the domain of playing children, but I'm pretty much of the mind that everyone in a family should have intimate knowledge of one another (in a familial way, not a creepy one), and it shouldn't be a big deal for any member of the herd to put your laundry away or borrow a pen from your desk.

Also, I don't think it's about "not trusting them", I think it just lessens temptations.

 

DD had an internet issue after which we got Net Nanny. She was looking for something that was being blocked due to "swimsuit/intimate apparel". I removed the block so she could look for it.

 

She actually reminded me the next day to put the block back on! We did discuss when we got the filter that it doesn't take away her need to use self-control and good judgment. But I really got the impression she preferred to not have that temptation there.

I agree with this as well. It's another layer of vetting any potential behavior: How would I feel to have my family to know I'm engaged in X? Do I feel I can trust myself to ignore temptation?

 

We use OpenDNS with the same purpose. It's free.

Edited July 21, 2011 by MyCrazyHouse

[CariS]

I was a troubled teen, and really good at hiding it. I wish that my mom, or dad had gone in my room, or read my diary to find out what was going on. I would have resented my mom doing random checks, but if she had come to me and said "I was in your room (insert excuse like grabbing the dirty towels) and found (insert evidence of unwanted behavior)" I wouldn't have even thought twice about her being in there. At that point I don't think they would be out of line to do random checks with my knowledge.

 

Part of why I was so good at hiding things was that my parents trusted me, until I was 15 I was very well behaved. They had no reason to suspect anything was wrong, until it was too late.

 

So in my book, kids/teens don't automatically get complete privacy and complete trust. It only takes one small step in the wrong direction, even for a really good kid, to have things spiral out of control. And FAST.

 

~Cari

 

ETA: I totally forgot to add that as a parent I do the declutter/ cleaning thing as well. My kids are only 9 and 6 so not too much they are going to do yet. We are pretty privacy free here anyway, heck right now the parents bedroom doesn't even have 4 walls, much less a door. I do knock before I enter their rooms if they are changing, or in the bathroom.

Edited July 21, 2011 by CariS

[Donna]

I don't do them. Maybe if I thought I had something to be looking for. My boys ask me to help them clean their rooms now and then or sometimes I just offer to help and they take me up on it everytime I do, so I doubt they are hiding anything.

 

I am their friend on facebook and that is a condition of them having an account.

[elizabeth]

Not without a dam* good reason. I prefer to say that careful, thoughtful parenting will uncover what is "hidden," in my experience the only thing being hidden is the parental head, in the sand. Had my parents been as involved and discriminating with my friends and those they trusted to be alone with me they might have seen what was right in front of their faces. Wealth and education do not protect a child,but thoughtful observation and attunement through many, many years of relationship are far more productive than search and indict missions without probable cause. If I sound bitter, I am and for a good reason.

[JeneralMom]

I was a good teenager. Anything "bad" I was doing, my parents knew about and were okay with. However, my mother refused to give us privacy. We were not allowed to close out bedroom doors unless we were changing, and we both knew she was searching our rooms. So, I got so fed up, I started planting things that my friends and I collected for her to find (BC pills, a vibrator, porn, dirty letters from boys [i wrote them and she didn't even recognize my handwriting]). I knew she found them but she never said a word which made it even worse because it meant she was snooping for her own gratuitous reasons and not out of concern.

 

In large part because of this I do not, and never have, shared anything personal or private with her. I wait as long as I can to tell her I am pregnant, she will never know about my miscarriage or any of my personal business or that of my children. My brother feels the same way.

 

Unless I have a very, very, very good reason my children will be afforded the privacy they deserve as human beings.