lailasmum Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I have friends who on a superficial level are close but I think I am a bit of an enabler for high maintenance people who I end up spending a lot of time on. In practice they have shown many times that they wouldn't go to the same lengths to support me as I have them, just in life's little disasters they haven't been there to help out so now I don't expect them to. I think that I will always keep up a barrier with these people because I now know the type of friendship I have with them. I am quite an introvert and I know I am not an easy person to like so maybe I don't have the opportunities to meet other people that could lead to more balanced friendships. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I've been thinking about this thread. If something traumatic happened (like the death of my dh) I could definitely call at least 5 people and at least one could drop everything for me. Not all of them would be able to though, because of the natural demands of sick children, car breakdowns, and just the demands of life. Emotionally and spiritually, though, every single one of them would be there for me. See this is what I long for. Take for example ds's car accident this past weekend. My folks stepped in and took my older 2 kids but not without a bunch of grumbling and complaining. But otherwise I have had no support or someone to talk to. I try talking to my mom but even when talking about my fears or stresses dealing with this accident and his recovery she is making it about her or dictating what I need to do next, without ever actually stopping to listen. It would have been great if I had a good friend to talk to instead. Or who would come and have coffee with me now that I am stuck home with ds and can't go out much. Or who even brought a freaking casserole the day ds had his day surgery so that I wouldn't have had to pick up dd from daycare post surgery then go home and cook dinner. Heck, even someone who offered to watch little dd when I take ds to his appt's for cast changes. I had 1 lady from work that I was trying to build up a friendship with. She lives down the street from me, and I watch her kids on occasion for her in addition to seeing her at work. Then Friday she calls me and asks me to watch her 2 kids all weekend, saying "I know you will be home anyway" well DUH! of course I am home, it was not even a whole week ago my kid was hit by a semi, I am a little too busy to watch your kids. I was really offended that she would even ask, which in the past would make me distance myself further from her. But I am trying to assume that she just wasn't thinking clearly about the situation and not that she is inherently selfish (which she is but it normally isn't towards me kwim). Okay maybe I am pickier than I thought. Back to my point. What I wish is that I had that tried and try friend to turn to when things in life go sideways and upside down. Someone I can reciprocate that for as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 No it is not by choice. I just have a really really hard time making and maintaining friendships. Back as a kid/teen it was due to bullying etc. As a young adult it was due to being in a different life space than those my age.(already married, 2 kids and then separated before 24 yrs old). Then came the judgements and people stopping contact with us because of my son. I have never been someone liked by others, and because I have trouble with social cues etc I am not good at building up a relationship from being just acquaintences. So it is a combination of things, but none of them are from a desire to have no friends or being too picky. ETA: One thing I do know about myself that hinders building relationships as well is that I do not trust others very much. And I find it really hard to let someone even remotely close again if any trust has been broken. This is particularily a problem if it was more of a perceived breach of trust rather than a blatent one. I am trying to work past that and see most people do mean well even if they mess up. Unfortunately a life time of hurts makes it very difficult to really trust anyone enough to get close. Just a suggestion...I joined a choir and took a course where I was the youngest person BY FAR. Most of the women (and they were mostly women) were at least 10 years older then me. Many of the people I've counted as friends from that group were in their 60's or older. They are excellent friends. No one is an intimate friend (aside from my husband, I don't have those) but I find they've BTDT, are much less judgemental and much more accepting of my quirks. They also tend to have less time for drama or fluffy conversation that drives me up the wall. Plus they generally just plain have the free time to get together with me. Maybe find an activity where you can hook up with some older women and see if you can find some friends there. I'd also say to make sure it's something where the socializing is secondary so you won't feel pressured to be making friends right off the bat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mariam Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 No. I met my last friend through a homeschool group. We were very close and our sons were best friends (neither had other friends). Our friendship lasted 6 years and then all of a sudden, she was too busy to hang out. My son and I were dumped. Neither of us has had a friend in over 3 years. :grouphug: I have one friend and she is very busy as she has more kids of all age ranges (baby to college) and I am always afraid that shes going to decide one day that she doesnt have the time to hang out with me. :sad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 :grouphug: I have one friend and she is very busy as she has more kids of all age ranges (baby to college) and I am always afraid that shes going to decide one day that she doesnt have the time to hang out with me. :sad: Just using your post to further think this through. . . none of my "drop everything for me" friends are people who I hang out with regularly. Our lives are just too busy. But we talk on the phone at least once a month (nothing scheduled - just how it happens) and we try to get together every 3 months or so. I just got a call last night from one of them. I've known her since I was 11. We arranged our quarterly visit for Thursday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaffodilDreams Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I have a handful of very close friends. Friends that are more family to me than some family members. Yes, we're there for each through it all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I have a handful of really close friends, though we are mostly scattered due to military relocations. We don't see each other often, sometimes just once every few years, or even talk on the phone frequently. We call each other to catch up several times per year and to congratulate each other on the big stuff (babies, etc.). I know that if something awful happened that there are at least 3 friends I could count on to drop everything and be here within a day. I can't imagine life without a close friend or two. Hugs to those who don't have one but wish that they did. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I bet you and I would get along fine. :) The people I tend to have trouble with are those that are extremely socially adept. The ones I get along with are generally like me, missing things, misinterpreting stuff, saying things they don't really intend. Makes a relationship much more interesting! :D Yes, I get this absolutely. Many of those "socially adept" people just strike me as very insincere (not all, but manY). The awkward people, like myself, are mostly sincerely themselves, and I find it much easier to trust them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I can't imagine life without my friends and family. I would say there are 4-5 "thick and thin" friends in my life. The thickest is back in Georgia :sad: so I only get to see her once or twice a year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Yes, I get this absolutely. Many of those "socially adept" people just strike me as very insincere (not all, but manY). The awkward people, like myself, are mostly sincerely themselves, and I find it much easier to trust them. Yes! And I'm not sure if it's because they ARE insincere or because I'm projecting something on to them because for me to act as they do I'd have to be insincere. Or maybe I feel they see how inept I am. :) Ah well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 My sister in law is my closest friend besides my husband. We have been through it all together...and our kids are eachothers best friends too. Faithe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kari C in SC Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Yep and I thank God for them every day. I have friends that live near me that have literally held me up this past year of losing my oldest son. In church on Sunday, a woman sang Laura Story's Blessings song. My friend, Christina, showed up beside me just as she began to sing. My tears began to fall and soon she put her arm around me and gently told me to not ever let anyone tell me I shouldn't cry and that she loved me. She has been there beside me in church for 13 months and I have cried often. She is also my every day homeschool friend. I have 2 others that live right here too that are just amazing. I also have childhood friends that I call once a week and they know me from before I even knew myself. And... I have homeschool friends from Florida that miss my son as much as I do because they were there to watch him grow up. And... I have my mom and my sister that live near me. I love all of my friends and am just so thankful for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Yes, I have several close friends. I have accumulated them during my 44 years. I am still friends with people I've known since elementary school. My best friend is one I met in college, over 20 years ago. I have close friends I have met in the past ten years...even in the past three years. I am always open to more good friends and feel very, very blessed in the area of friendship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I have 3 "thick and thin" friends and one from junior high that I don't talk to as much but that I know would be there in a second for me, if only because of our bond in the past. I met friend K 10 years ago at a music festival for women. I met friend R in LLL 7 years ago after the birth of our daughters. And I met friend S last spring when we bonded over doing school together. All of them would bail me out of jail if they had the cash and then ask me what the heck happened later. And I'd do the same for them! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daisy Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I mean the type of friend you can count on in thick and thin. The kind you can tell anything. Is this something that disappears as you get older? Those that do have friends, have you met them since you've gotten older? Yes. My husband has close friends that he feels that way about and so do I. They tend to be like-minded families from our homeschool group and/or church. Some we've known since we moved here (14 yrs) and others we met when we started homeschooling (6 yrs ago). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheAutumnOak Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 You know, I am really not sure how to answer this... I have friends from church who would be there for me if something happened to me...We see each other regularly at church and sometimes at my home or theirs...But I still feel like I don't have a "best friend" like I did back when I was in school... My DH was my best friend for years before we dated...He was the one I told everything to, went shopping with, and cried with when something awful happened...He was the one who made sure I was taken care of, had enough food in my fridge, and lent me his car when I got a new job I couldn't take the bus to...Then one day I realized I couldn't imagine living without him and totally fell in love with him...Then eventually, we married...We are still best friends, but marriage has changed things some ;) I am happy for the people I do have in my life, like DH and the friends I do have, but it would be nice to have a girlfriend that I am really close to...I am a strange individual - a black girl from the projects who likes knitting and spinning, sheep and wool festivals, homeschooling, organic eating, primitive home decorating, and long skirts...Most people think I am a lost amish woman and can't really relate to me... :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Delighted3 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Yes, I have 2 very close friends right now. I have had other close friends over the years and we either moved apart geographically or our seasons in life changed and we grew apart. I still consider them to be friends and enjoy keeping up with them occasionally. I keep up with them on facebook ;) My Mom was my best friend before she died 18 months ago and I dearly miss her. There is just no one else who I can share anything with and they will understand. I am also really close with my sister-in-law and I have a lot of casual acquaintances. Joy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kpnick in nc Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I haven't had a truly close IRL friend (other than dh) since becoming a parent. 99.9% of the time, I'm good with that. I'm an introvert. . :iagree: except I put my percentage at 95%. I have one friend from high school who lives 6 hours away I would say is an intimate friend. One that I've met recently is a good friend, but I wouldn't say we've been through thick and thin. And she just moved :( (only 30 minutes away, but still...). DH and I are really similar, so I am pretty content with how thing are. I'm also socially awkward and have trouble making friends. I felt like I had come a long way in college, but I got married and moved right after college. I felt like I've lost that progress in the years since. I have always had a church family wherever I've lived since being married, and pretty much all of my college friends were from the college ministry I was involved with. I know that many of these people would do anything for me, but since I am not the one they go to in their times of need I often have trouble asking for help. Sounds silly when I type, but I'm sure many here know what I mean! When I observe those in these groups who are really *friends*, I am more convinced that I seriously lack skills, energy, or both. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 No. But I'm also NOT looking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I do and so does my husband. My friends of this category are friendships formed in adulthood and two in the late 30's. My husband's are two from adulthood and two from younger (high school and another college). I feel fortunate. In most of the cases these people made the effort to reach out to me. I'm introverted and rather shy so I'm thankful these people did the initial contacting. FWIW, I prayed for a true friend when we first moved to this area and I was feeling lonely. That person I still count as my closest friend and have much contact with though she and her family have moved. The community I live in is not "outsider" friendly. All my friendships were formed in this community with fellow outsiders! I know I'm fortunate and I know friendships formed in adulthood are sometimes harder. We may have to move and this area of friendships makes me hesitate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I am happy for the people I do have in my life, like DH and the friends I do have, but it would be nice to have a girlfriend that I am really close to...I am a strange individual - a black girl from the projects who likes knitting and spinning, sheep and wool festivals, homeschooling, organic eating, primitive home decorating, and long skirts...Most people think I am a lost amish woman and can't really relate to me... :tongue_smilie: The people I meet on this board that I wish I lived closer too...*sigh* Again, I highly recommend the company of older women. I find they just take you as they find you and don't give a rat's...um...hind end about what other might expect you to be. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I mean the type of friend you can count on in thick and thin. The kind you can tell anything. Is this something that disappears as you get older? Those that do have friends, have you met them since you've gotten older? I used to have. When we adopted our two youngest she faded out of our lives. I guess I just didn't fit into her life style any more and that is ok. I really miss having that day to day close friend.:crying: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 My little sister is my best friend other then my husband. I haven't met any other people I like or trust well enough to call more then an aquaintance. I prefer it this way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I have a few close friends, and a larger circle of not so close friends. I know they'd be there if I needed them, because well, they were there when I needed them. 2008 was a very difficult year for me. Early in the year I broke my ankle and was laid up, then my mother passed away that summer. Both times friends were there doing what needed to be done without me even asking for help. They were amazing. They were the very definition of true friends. I feel very lucky to have people like that in my life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyndie Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I have two VERY close friends... our friendships grew when I was in my 30's. The people I was close to when I was younger are still friends, but not the type of buds I can spill my guts to. We're military and have moved, gone through chronic illnesses with children, a few other friend forming/breaking issues... these friends are good as gold and I can only hope they see me the same way. I have plenty of surface friendships... I mean, they're wonderful people and great to be around but I am very happy for my mature TRUE friendships. :) I am an extrovert and I think that does affect one's ability to make very close friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyWifeandMommy Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 There is only one person I can count on and it's my husband. I have many 'friends' but they never do anything with me yet they say we are friends. Our children are friends and do things together but that is about it. Now if there was a crisis I do have 'friends' to help out because in the military you gotta have that. I have three I can count on in a crisis and my kids need looking after or the house but as for personal stuff, its just my husband. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 yes, I am *very* blessed. I have two friends that I've known forever, one for 28 years and the other 37 years. Both live out of state and I see them once per year or so. They usually come visit me since I'm the one with all the kids! :001_smile: I also have two very close thick and thin friends in state whom I adore. They have been SO wonderful to me. I love them to pieces! I would do just about anything for them, too. I have many friends from my homeschool circle. I don't necessarily consider them CLOSE friends but we are friends, nonetheless, and several of them I believe would be there for me if I needed help, as would I be there for them. I do feel very blessed!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I am happy for the people I do have in my life, like DH and the friends I do have, but it would be nice to have a girlfriend that I am really close to...I am a strange individual - a black girl from the projects who likes knitting and spinning, sheep and wool festivals, homeschooling, organic eating, primitive home decorating, and long skirts...Most people think I am a lost amish woman and can't really relate to me... :tongue_smilie: when I read the above I think WAY COOL, wish I could meet her!!!:D :thumbup: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 (edited) I feel lucky in this regard. Edited July 15, 2011 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 My older sister and one of my sisters-in-law. I would consider both of them my best friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I mean the type of friend you can count on in thick and thin. The kind you can tell anything. Is this something that disappears as you get older? Those that do have friends, have you met them since you've gotten older? It hasn't disappeared for me; if anything, the opposite. I come from a large family, and most of my closest friends have all been siblings or cousins. I had no need for outside friends, though I did manage to snag a few in childhood who have stuck around :D. Since I've grown older, I still have limited desire or need for close friends outside of my family or circle of childhood friends. That said, as an adult I've still managed to snage a few friends that I absolutely can count on and confide in. My husband calls me an elitist :tongue_smilie: I'm an extrovert, but that need is sufficiently met via my big, super-involved family. And my job - I work in customer service. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Osmosis Mom Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 :grouphug: I have one friend and she is very busy as she has more kids of all age ranges (baby to college) and I am always afraid that shes going to decide one day that she doesnt have the time to hang out with me. :sad: Why on earth would she decide that?? Friends are friends are friends..... She might be busy, but that's all good (believe me!). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.