Let's talk about Mommy Guilt

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have it and I need a remedy. I'm defining "Mommy Guilt" to mean false guilt that mother's tend to get. I really struggle with this. I feel Mommy guilt because I have chronic illness and feel guilty saying "no" to a playdate because I can't handle the noise and energy requirements. I feel Mommy guilt because my dd esp. has interests (with the corresponding talent) that are beyond our financial means (and yes, I've looked into scholarships and other ways to handle it - we can't). I feel Mommy guilt because even though I am comfortable with my religious beliefs, it means saying "no" to some things that would be perfectly fine at other times, but not at times that would conflict with our church. I feel Mommy guilt because there are gray areas where I have made a stand because you have to make a decision somehow and of course, there is always someone somewhere who has drawn the line at a different place. The root cause of the Mommy guilt is a fear that my kids (or really, my dd since ds doesn't seem to care about any of these things) will grow up to resent me.

 

This Mommy guilt is having a bad effect on my relationship with my dd. Here is how it works:

 

Mommy guilt + pressure from my dd = frustration.

Mommy guilt + the inability for said dd to completely understand all my reasons because they are adult reasons = frustration (now squared).

Frustration (squared) + continued pressure from dd who sees a chink in my armor = anger.

Anger +/- sarcasm (depending on my day) = dd who is crying because "you hurt my feelings".

Frustration is now compounded and lines are drawn in the sand but the way it has worked out makes me really wonder if it will all = adult child's resentment of mother.

 

I need a way to stop this process at the beginning. And it needs to start with my thinking. Just telling me "Don't feel guilty" isn't going to cut it because I am perfectly capable of feeling guilty because I'm not supposed to feel guilty:tongue_smilie:

[AK_Mom4]

I'm sorry!:grouphug:

 

I think what helped with my DD and the play dates was to establish one day a week as the day when play dates could happen. It seemed like when she had a regular day to look forward to playing with her friend, then she stopped pushing for a play date "all.the.time" and hounding me about it.

 

I know that's tough with the medical stuff you have going on to commit to a particular day, but that might be what it takes to get the pressure off. I think Mommy guilt is just as debilitating as any other form of stress.....and you need all the relief from stress that you can get!

[Impish]

Well, I see there being more than one issue.

 

Your dd needs to accept no as no, and quit bugging after she's given an answer. It seems her constant bugging is what escalates the situation, and frankly, that makes me nuts too, when an answer is given and kiddo keeps on, and on, and on.

 

As to the guilt...we all have limitations, in one form or another. As a Christian, you know that *you* are not in control. God is. Yet you are persisting in feeling guilt b/c of your lack of control. I'd encourage you to pray when it starts to creep in.

 

I get the guilt, I do. In the same boat, my kids aren't growing up with a healthy mother, but I can't change that, so all I can do is pray...pray for them, for me, for an answer on how best to manage.

[i.love.lucy]

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!:tongue_smilie:

 

My dd is doing the same. exact. thing. Especially this part

Frustration (squared) + continued pressure from dd who sees a chink in my armor = anger.

Anger +/- sarcasm (depending on my day) = dd who is crying because "you hurt my feelings".

 

I think it is partly their age and asserting that independence. We've had some pretty major blow-outs this week with the disrespectful backtalk and lack of submitting to my authority. I'm afraid of adult resentment too, but I can only just pray about it and know that I am doing my best. Allowing your dd all the freedoms she wants isn't the answer either.

 

You're not alone.:grouphug:

[eternalknot]

I don't struggle with guilt very often. I figure (life) ... is what it is. I think we all worry sometimes that our kids will grow up to resent us or how they were raised. Maybe some of that is rooted in our own upbringings, and dissatisfaction there ... knowing it's around the corner for us, but this time on the other side (parent, not child).

 

I figure my kids will resent me at some point. I do believe it to be part of the detachment process that all children undergo (some more dramatically than others). I worry less about the actual resentment, and more about how they handle it - both personally, and with me. So step one for you might be to detach yourself from the idea that you're responsible for any resentment they feel for you ... and also that you're fully responsible for how they handle that resentment.

 

Is there a way you and DD can relate your respective frustrations to one another? (I don't know anything about her general personality.) Do either of you have a reasonable outlet for your frustrations, or do they just sort of gnaw at you throughout the day? I have a sign-in sheet on my fridge, we only allow one person a bad mood day per day and you have to sign up first LOL. Everyone else has to suck it up and deal, and hopefully sign up faster the following day!

 

I've told my kids often, "I know it's frustrating for you. It is for me, too. I know you don't understand, but hopefully one day you will. Until then you just have to trust me that I know the situation well enough to make this decision ... and it's hard on me, too. Moreseo because now I have to listen to you bellyache, too :tongue_smilie:. Trust me, if x were at all possible, I'd be right on it if only to end the whining!!"

 

Then believe what you tell her. It's hard to say no to people we love, and particularly to our kids - we want to do whatever we can for them. Life doesn't always allow us to, and you know what? Sometimes that's a great lesson, even if we don't reap the benefits of it until much later in life. When we become parents ourselves LOL. But if you're saying no because of valid reasons (illness, finances) ... well, what's to feel guilty about? It's not like you're saying no so you can finance a beer or manicure habit.

 

In fact, be straight with your daughter: "You know, I spend a lot of time feeling guilty that we can't x, y, and z to your desire or wants. And it doesn't change our situation. It doesn't make money fall from the sky nor does it make my health any better (in fact, it may have the opposite effect). I'm done feeling guilty. I'll continue to share your frustration, and maybe even some sadness, but I won't apologize for our life, our decisions, our choices, and everything that has brought us here today. We are the sum of our experiences, so what do you think you're to learn from this experience? I believe I'm to learn the ineffectiveness of feeling guilty."

 

And believe it. It's true.

 

I had the same conversation with my then-8 year old, a few different times. Heart to heart, "help me to help you" kind of talks. Coming up with a game plan for handling our respective frustrations, and doing our best to stick to it. Guilt is counter-productive in this case; no good comes from it, quit wasting your time and your resources (i.e., your health) on it.

 

:grouphug:

[Desert Rat]

Perhaps a journal you and your dd can share might help relay feelings and emotions. Leave it in a place she can write in and leave for you to read and answer back.

 

 

 

*treading gently here* Is there a way to compromise the conflicts with the church activities and her activities? I mean in no way to imply you should quit church or that church shouldn't be important. However, when I read your post, I thought immediately of myself at 12-16 (I realize that's older than your daughter is now).

 

My parents put church above all other activities. This was their choice as they were the parents. However, I still, at 40 years old, have some residual resentment. Now, your daughter is a bit young to have much say in her activities and what the family does as a whole. But, your post mentioned that she's already starting to have an issue with this. It may be that she's just strong willed (like me!) and the girl knows that the girl wants and everything else will not do. But, I'm thinking to the coming years when she is wanting more autonomy and probably deserving of it. I think it's something you should think about. I walked away from the church at 18. I have never gone back. Is this because of my parents? Partly. Maybe it was just me. I do know that my personal reaction to all things religious wouldn't have been so negative for so many years had I been given more choices. I'm much more accepting now and I was always respectful, however it took me a long time to see that religion was not my personal enemy.

 

Maybe this flew off on a tangent or I read your post wrong. It's just something that struck me when I read your post that I really felt compelled to share with you. My parents being unwilling to compromise with me on a few church activities led to a lot of negativity and resentment that was never resolved.

 

I don't mean to make your guilt any worse. I realize it's a valid issue which I struggle with, too. I just thought I could shed some light on a potential conflict in your family that caused so much grief in my life.

 

Respectfully,

[Impish]

Jean's dh is a pastor, so church is a multi dimensional issue.

[LaxMom]

What I find helpful is to remind myself that parenting (and life in general) is about doing your absolute best, and always looking for ways to do better.

 

Our "best" changes with our abilities and circumstances, and some times is better than others, but the heart we put into it doesn't. I think it's a valuable understanding for kids to have, too.

 

As for a child trying to bully me into changing my mind, well, that's just a guarantee of a no answer to the next request.

 

And if they resent me for the deprivation they've suffered... well, they can grow up to be better, more clever parents than they had and figure out how to go beyond their abilities/means to satisfy their own children's desires.

[Chris in VA]

You are teaching boundaries.

You are teaching compassion.

You are teaching the real sacrifices that can happen when we put God first.

You are teaching, not placating, and that takes strength, and is ultimately much, much more loving.

 

It's ok. Give the guilt to God. Draw a bigger circle around yourself so you know when you are being triggered and can stop it sooner, before frustration sets in.

 

You are a good parent, Jean.

[Desert Rat]

Thank you for letting me know, Impish. My father was a pastor, too. I still think there was room for compromise in my situation.

[texasmama]

:grouphug: I often feel guilty because as an "older mom" I have less energy than I need to keep up with the demands of my 5 year old in particular. I also get grief from my three oldest kids about giving too much attention to the youngest one. I get grief from the youngest one because she wants more of my time, etc. I get grief from everyone, although I am truly doing the very best I can with the life I have.

 

I pretty much constantly feel that I am failing someone. If I give the child with LD's more attention, I feel I have neglected his brother. My teen is an expert at guilting me.

 

My husband wants his piece of the pie, too. My pie is cut into too many pieces and sometimes I just run out. Guillt galore. I really do try to tell myself that I am doing the very best I can. God bless every mom who is doing her best and still feels like a failure.

[WTMCassandra]

Mommy guilt + pressure from my dd = frustration.

Mommy guilt + the inability for said dd to completely understand all my reasons because they are adult reasons = frustration (now squared).

Frustration (squared) + continued pressure from dd who sees a chink in my armor = anger.

 

 

Okay, please understand first that I "get" chronic illness because I have dealt with it for years, although most of the time it is/has been more mild than yours, and secondly, please understand that I am the Queen of False Guilt.

 

Having said that, it's hard to tell if you've gone "offtrack" truly at step one, but if not, I think you have gone "offtrack" between steps 2 and 3 if not before then.

 

I always consider anger to be a big warning flag for me to stop and evaluate what the problem is and take action. This sometimes requires me to "get away" to the bathroom or something to think: Why am I angry? If I am, chances are there is a legitimate reason. The trick is evaluating that and taking action without "taking it out" on the other person.

 

The process should be:

 

1. Child asks. Once.

2. Parent answers. If necessary, parent delays until conference with both parents can happen. Sometimes I ask my husband, "Is my exhaustion and overwhelm talking and should I get over it and say yes? Or do you think I will be truly overextending myself? My husband knows my capability level and can help provide perspective.

3. Should be end of story. If Mommy guilt is felt, I keep it to myself, or share it with hubby only. If child pressures, then child is disciplined for pressuring. The pressuring is a separate issue. Also, in our home, we have tried to instill over the years that pressure will equal an automatic NO. This has helped on a number of occasions.

4. If child is sad about decision, empathize with child as a separate issue. Don't confess Mommy guilt--instead, reflect back, "I hear that you are sad about the decision. I'm sorry. It's tough when we can't do everything we want to do." If you confess Mommy guilt at this point, then you will be off on the pressure merry-go-round. Mommy guilt should only be shared with spouse or other Moms who will understand. The child will not know where to go with it and will probably misuse it. :tongue_smilie:

 

I hope this helps at least a tiny bit.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think Mommy guilt is just as debilitating as any other form of stress.....and you need all the relief from stress that you can get!

 

Very very good point. It is a significant source of stress for me.

 

As to playdates, dd is also my energizer bunny. Today I took her to the gym for 2 hours of intense activity and play. We drove home. She immediately wanted to go out to play with the neighbor kids. If I say "no" she feels it like a death sentence.

[Mom-ninja.]

I think these two books may help you, Hold on to Your Kids and Bringing Up Geeks. Have you read them? Both talk about how important our role is even when our kids may not like it or understand. Bringing Up Geeks also has a chapter on faith.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Well, I see there being more than one issue.

 

Your dd needs to accept no as no, and quit bugging after she's given an answer. It seems her constant bugging is what escalates the situation, and frankly, that makes me nuts too, when an answer is given and kiddo keeps on, and on, and on.

 

As to the guilt...we all have limitations, in one form or another. As a Christian, you know that *you* are not in control. God is. Yet you are persisting in feeling guilt b/c of your lack of control. I'd encourage you to pray when it starts to creep in.

 

I get the guilt, I do. In the same boat, my kids aren't growing up with a healthy mother, but I can't change that, so all I can do is pray...pray for them, for me, for an answer on how best to manage.

 

You're right, Imp. For some reason, what was so easy to teach my first has gotten a bit muddied with the second. I think it's partly because I do tease her and she teases back. Somehow she's taken this as license to nag me in a joking but actually serious manner. It's one of those "I created this mess, how do I fix it" situations though because when I try to redraw those boundaries she resists with all her might because now I'm being "rigid and no fun". (She doesn't actually say "rigid" but that's the idea I get from her.)

[WTMCassandra]

As to playdates, dd is also my energizer bunny. Today I took her to the gym for 2 hours of intense activity and play. We drove home. She immediately wanted to go out to play with the neighbor kids. If I say "no" she feels it like a death sentence.

 

Wow, something just clicked with me on this! I have seen this behavior before, particularly in my social butterfly, but also sometimes with both children. Immediately after completing a fun activity, or even before we're quite done (!), they ask what is the next thing or when can we do it again. I have diagnosed this as "greedy" in my children.

 

I have talked with them many times, and continue to do this, and we talk about how we can use that energy and excitement to be thankful about what we got to do instead of being greedy for "the next thing." After years of talking, it finally seems to be sinking in. Most of the time. Except for today . . . when I orchestrated something that was huge for the whole family at a *very* great personal cost . . . sigh.

 

So, I don't know if this rings a bell with you, but I offer it just in case.

[Jean in Newcastle]

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!:tongue_smilie:

 

My dd is doing the same. exact. thing. Especially this part

 

I think it is partly their age and asserting that independence. We've had some pretty major blow-outs this week with the disrespectful backtalk and lack of submitting to my authority. I'm afraid of adult resentment too, but I can only just pray about it and know that I am doing my best. Allowing your dd all the freedoms she wants isn't the answer either.

 

You're not alone.:grouphug:

 

Thank you for empathizing. :grouphug: to you too.

[Jean in Newcastle]

So step one for you might be to detach yourself from the idea that you're responsible for any resentment they feel for you ... and also that you're fully responsible for how they handle that resentment.

 

Wise words. I'm taking notes. . .

Is there a way you and DD can relate your respective frustrations to one another? (I don't know anything about her general personality.) Do either of you have a reasonable outlet for your frustrations, or do they just sort of gnaw at you throughout the day? I have a sign-in sheet on my fridge, we only allow one person a bad mood day per day and you have to sign up first LOL. Everyone else has to suck it up and deal, and hopefully sign up faster the following day!

 

Dd has no trouble relating her frustrations to me very loudly and clearly.;) They tend to gnaw more at me, but part of that is because I'm always calculating "Do I have the energy to say yes to this?" Then once I've figured out that the answer is "no", I've often already come to the end of my rope. I'll have to think about the sign-up idea. I've never heard of that one before!

 

I've told my kids often, "I know it's frustrating for you. It is for me, too. I know you don't understand, but hopefully one day you will. Until then you just have to trust me that I know the situation well enough to make this decision ... and it's hard on me, too. Moreseo because now I have to listen to you bellyache, too :tongue_smilie:. Trust me, if x were at all possible, I'd be right on it if only to end the whining!!"

 

Then believe what you tell her. It's hard to say no to people we love, and particularly to our kids - we want to do whatever we can for them. Life doesn't always allow us to, and you know what? Sometimes that's a great lesson, even if we don't reap the benefits of it until much later in life. When we become parents ourselves LOL. But if you're saying no because of valid reasons (illness, finances) ... well, what's to feel guilty about? It's not like you're saying no so you can finance a beer or manicure habit.

 

In fact, be straight with your daughter: "You know, I spend a lot of time feeling guilty that we can't x, y, and z to your desire or wants. And it doesn't change our situation. It doesn't make money fall from the sky nor does it make my health any better (in fact, it may have the opposite effect). I'm done feeling guilty. I'll continue to share your frustration, and maybe even some sadness, but I won't apologize for our life, our decisions, our choices, and everything that has brought us here today. We are the sum of our experiences, so what do you think you're to learn from this experience? I believe I'm to learn the ineffectiveness of feeling guilty."

 

And believe it. It's true.

 

I had the same conversation with my then-8 year old, a few different times. Heart to heart, "help me to help you" kind of talks. Coming up with a game plan for handling our respective frustrations, and doing our best to stick to it. Guilt is counter-productive in this case; no good comes from it, quit wasting your time and your resources (i.e., your health) on it.

 

:grouphug:

 

Thank you. This was very helpful.

[MariannNOVA]

:grouphug: I often feel guilty because as an "older mom" I have less energy than I need to keep up with the demands

 

In red, that's me.

 

I spend alot of time 'scripting' the kids:

 

1 - do not ask for playdate, etc in front of anyone but me and/or dh. THIS has helped enormously.

 

2 - whatever the plans (you mentioned your high energy dd - my twins are like that), before we leave for said plans, I script the twins imparticular about what will happen when we arrive home -- inside or outside play, if so, how long, etc.

 

3 - I learned (the hard way) that being consistent and demonstrating that what I say is what I mean is essential. I have no problem telling any of my three that if they do not follow what they are being told, privileges or a favorite toy will be taken away. And, then I follow through.

[Jean in Newcastle]

*treading gently here* Is there a way to compromise the conflicts with the church activities and her activities? I mean in no way to imply you should quit church or that church shouldn't be important. However, when I read your post, I thought immediately of myself at 12-16 (I realize that's older than your daughter is now).

 

I don't mean to make your guilt any worse. I realize it's a valid issue which I struggle with, too. I just thought I could shed some light on a potential conflict in your family that caused so much grief in my life.

 

 

 

I was a missionary kid. So I've lived through this scenario both as a kid and as an adult. I do hear you. And it is a valid thing to think about. I think this is one aspect that I need to mull over more.

[trailofsparks]

You've gotten a lot of great responses already. . . and I thought about not posting, but then I kept thinking about it :tongue_smilie:

 

I would have an open conversation with your dd. This would help her to see your humanity. If you weren't limited by your health issues, I'm sure you'd be open to doing a lot of other things - for your dd, for yourself, and for others. I am not saying you should dump on her or burden her with your burdens, but just helping her to see a little from your perspective would help her to be a better person - become more compassionate, maybe see a way that she could relieve you of some of your responsibilities and help out more, thus giving you more energy to do more.

 

Also, another PP pointed out that God is in control. It does tend to boil down to a faith thing, which is another perspective your dd could grow in.

 

My last thought is if I were the mother of one of your dd's friends, I would take up the opportunity in an instant to make a playdate happen at my house w/your dd and mine. If you told me of your need, I would make a regular plan (weekly or bi-weekly) of picking up your dd and bringing her home again.

[justamouse]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I don't think there is a mother out there who doesn't feel guilt over *something*.

 

I feel guilty because I have so many that it's hard for me to get any alone time with them and I worry about that.

 

I'm an introvert. Dh is an introvert. Most my kids are too, except for one and I really worry about him.

 

 

BUT She needs to stop nagging you when you say no. :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Our "best" changes with our abilities and circumstances, and some times is better than others, but the heart we put into it doesn't. I think it's a valuable understanding for kids to have, too.

 

 

 

True. But I have had times when I've really felt that my best isn't good enough.

 

You are teaching boundaries.

You are teaching compassion.

You are teaching the real sacrifices that can happen when we put God first.

You are teaching, not placating, and that takes strength, and is ultimately much, much more loving.

 

It's ok. Give the guilt to God. Draw a bigger circle around yourself so you know when you are being triggered and can stop it sooner, before frustration sets in.

 

You are a good parent, Jean.

 

Thanks, Chris. Can you come and be my cheerleader?! I need to put these words on a index card and tape it to my mirror.

 

:grouphug: I often feel guilty because as an "older mom" I have less energy than I need to keep up with the demands of my 5 year old in particular. I also get grief from my three oldest kids about giving too much attention to the youngest one. I get grief from the youngest one because she wants more of my time, etc. I get grief from everyone, although I am truly doing the very best I can with the life I have.

 

I pretty much constantly feel that I am failing someone. If I give the child with LD's more attention, I feel I have neglected his brother. My teen is an expert at guilting me.

 

My husband wants his piece of the pie, too. My pie is cut into too many pieces and sometimes I just run out. Guillt galore. I really do try to tell myself that I am doing the very best I can. God bless every mom who is doing her best and still feels like a failure.

 

Yeah. I'm an older mom too. I thought we were supposed to have more wisdom to make up for the lack of energy?:confused:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Okay, please understand first that I "get" chronic illness because I have dealt with it for years, although most of the time it is/has been more mild than yours, and secondly, please understand that I am the Queen of False Guilt.

 

Having said that, it's hard to tell if you've gone "offtrack" truly at step one, but if not, I think you have gone "offtrack" between steps 2 and 3 if not before then.

 

I always consider anger to be a big warning flag for me to stop and evaluate what the problem is and take action. This sometimes requires me to "get away" to the bathroom or something to think: Why am I angry? If I am, chances are there is a legitimate reason. The trick is evaluating that and taking action without "taking it out" on the other person.

 

The process should be:

 

1. Child asks. Once.

2. Parent answers. If necessary, parent delays until conference with both parents can happen. Sometimes I ask my husband, "Is my exhaustion and overwhelm talking and should I get over it and say yes? Or do you think I will be truly overextending myself? My husband knows my capability level and can help provide perspective.

3. Should be end of story. If Mommy guilt is felt, I keep it to myself, or share it with hubby only. If child pressures, then child is disciplined for pressuring. The pressuring is a separate issue. Also, in our home, we have tried to instill over the years that pressure will equal an automatic NO. This has helped on a number of occasions.

4. If child is sad about decision, empathize with child as a separate issue. Don't confess Mommy guilt--instead, reflect back, "I hear that you are sad about the decision. I'm sorry. It's tough when we can't do everything we want to do." If you confess Mommy guilt at this point, then you will be off on the pressure merry-go-round. Mommy guilt should only be shared with spouse or other Moms who will understand. The child will not know where to go with it and will probably misuse it. :tongue_smilie:

 

I hope this helps at least a tiny bit.

 

Part of the child asking more than once issue is that I genuinely forget a good portion of what my kids tell or ask me. (It's a brain fog thing.) So it isn't always a situation of them not waiting patiently but a situation where they feel like the issue will fall through the cracks if they don't bring it up again. And sometimes, I confess, I'm not sure how to answer and so I probably subconsciously hope that the issue will fall through the cracks. . .:tongue_smilie:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think these two books may help you, Hold on to Your Kids and Bringing Up Geeks. Have you read them? Both talk about how important our role is even when our kids may not like it or understand. Bringing Up Geeks also has a chapter on faith.

 

I've read "Hold on to your kids" I haven't read the other one. I'll order it.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have diagnosed this as "greedy" in my children.

 

 

 

Insatiable is the term I've used (to myself). She's never satisfied. But when I've brought it up as a character issue to discuss, "I'm hurting her feelings". :glare: This child definitely brings me to my knees.

[Alenee]

Jean, I haven't read the thread in its entirety but what came to mind when I read your post was, "YES!" I totally understand what you're feeling/saying. However, I also wanted to tell you what a friend of mine shared with me when I spoke of the same problem. Her words were, "It's God Who saves." I do second-guess some of my decisions and at times feel a bit of guilt and worry and fear but when I think back on her words and why she spoke them, I'm reminded that God can do anything, even smooth over the rough places in my parenting. I hope this is encouraging to you because really, it's not a platitude. I remember it every time I start down this path and if I allow Him, He brings peace back to my fearful heart. :grouphug:

[WTMCassandra]

Part of the child asking more than once issue is that I genuinely forget a good portion of what my kids tell or ask me. (It's a brain fog thing.) So it isn't always a situation of them not waiting patiently but a situation where they feel like the issue will fall through the cracks if they don't bring it up again. And sometimes, I confess, I'm not sure how to answer and so I probably subconsciously hope that the issue will fall through the cracks. . .:tongue_smilie:

 

Ah, OK. What about if you have a list on the refrigerator with pending issues so ALL parties know they won't fall through the cracks?

 

With my children, ignoring a request hoping it will fall through the cracks NEVER works. :tongue_smilie:

[lovelaughs_times_three]

You've had so many good responses. Let me say first :grouphug::grouphug:s! I am a full-time member of the Mommy-guilt club! I carry the gold card and everything! :D

 

What I want to add is this encouragement. God has a special and amazing plan for your wonderful daughter. In order for her to be ready for that plan she will need some wonderful, amazing things to happen to her, and she will need challenges to overcome. God knows the perfect mix of challenges and adventures to bring into her life. He looked all over the world and picked YOU to be her Mom! It was not an accident, it was intentional! Romans 8:28 says God brings ALL things to good in our life. This includes the weakness as well as the strengths. Your daughter needs all the things that make you an amazing mom! Your fun sense of humor, your commitment to be there for her, your compassion (all these things are so obvious through all your posts!) BUT she also needed a Mom with your particular set of what you percieve as limitations. GOD knew she needed YOU! You are the perfect parent to lead her to her destiny. Not just because of all the things you are good at, but also because of all the areas you may not be as good at. These are the perfect blend she needed in a Mom. Without you, your strengths AND your weaknesses, she could never reach the amazing life God has planned for her. He is using ALL of who you are to make her into EVERYTHING she will be the happiest becoming. Your limitations are just as much a part of HIS plan as your strengths! When all is said and done, she wouldn't have it any other way! :001_smile:

[Peela]

 

I would have an open conversation with your dd. This would help her to see your humanity. If you weren't limited by your health issues, I'm sure you'd be open to doing a lot of other things - for your dd, for yourself, and for others. I am not saying you should dump on her or burden her with your burdens, but just helping her to see a little from your perspective would help her to be a better person - become more compassionate, maybe see a way that she could relieve you of some of your responsibilities and help out more, thus giving you more energy to do more.

 

 

 

I dont suffer too much from the guilt thing but I over extended myself so many times I think I just learned that I can't do that. It backfires- if I say yes to a playdate I don't want to give, and I get exhausted, chances are I will lose my temper, say something I regret, or in some other way behave in such a way as to remind me I didn't want to say yes in the first place...yet I did. It's not worth it.

But staying within my own boundaries and only saying yes when I actually mean it, I don't get resentful. I think my dh taught me that- he is an expert at saying no and not feeling guilty :)

 

But the above quote is what jumps out at me from others' responses. We all have our own dynamic with our kids but sometimes we forget to let them know how human we are. I know my mum forgot- she took the "mum" role and forgot to teach me that she was human. She would be super mum, then she would explode and be horrible. Then supermum again. I have tried not to do that to my kids- I will do what i can do, and I will give what I can give- but I have limits, and health is one of those limits for me too. They just have to understand.

[LibraryLover]

I feel guilty about about everything!

 

nm that sounded crazy not funny. Lol

Edited July 3, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Jean in Newcastle]

You've gotten a lot of great responses already. . . and I thought about not posting, but then I kept thinking about it :tongue_smilie:

 

I would have an open conversation with your dd. This would help her to see your humanity. If you weren't limited by your health issues, I'm sure you'd be open to doing a lot of other things - for your dd, for yourself, and for others. I am not saying you should dump on her or burden her with your burdens, but just helping her to see a little from your perspective would help her to be a better person - become more compassionate, maybe see a way that she could relieve you of some of your responsibilities and help out more, thus giving you more energy to do more.

 

Also, another PP pointed out that God is in control. It does tend to boil down to a faith thing, which is another perspective your dd could grow in.

 

My last thought is if I were the mother of one of your dd's friends, I would take up the opportunity in an instant to make a playdate happen at my house w/your dd and mine. If you told me of your need, I would make a regular plan (weekly or bi-weekly) of picking up your dd and bringing her home again.

 

I'm glad that you posted. Yes, it is a faith thing. I wish you were the mother of one of my dd's friends. You sound very kind.:)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Jean, I haven't read the thread in its entirety but what came to mind when I read your post was, "YES!" I totally understand what you're feeling/saying. However, I also wanted to tell you what a friend of mine shared with me when I spoke of the same problem. Her words were, "It's God Who saves." I do second-guess some of my decisions and at times feel a bit of guilt and worry and fear but when I think back on her words and why she spoke them, I'm reminded that God can do anything, even smooth over the rough places in my parenting. I hope this is encouraging to you because really, it's not a platitude. I remember it every time I start down this path and if I allow Him, He brings peace back to my fearful heart. :grouphug:

 

Very true words. Thank you.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Ah, OK. What about if you have a list on the refrigerator with pending issues so ALL parties know they won't fall through the cracks?

 

With my children, ignoring a request hoping it will fall through the cracks NEVER works. :tongue_smilie:

 

Very good idea. I think I will start this - perhaps on a pad by my laptop (I'm there more than the refrigerator;))

[Jean in Newcastle]

You've had so many good responses. Let me say first :grouphug::grouphug:s! I am a full-time member of the Mommy-guilt club! I carry the gold card and everything! :D

 

What I want to add is this encouragement. God has a special and amazing plan for your wonderful daughter. In order for her to be ready for that plan she will need some wonderful, amazing things to happen to her, and she will need challenges to overcome. God knows the perfect mix of challenges and adventures to bring into her life. He looked all over the world and picked YOU to be her Mom! It was not an accident, it was intentional! Romans 8:28 says God brings ALL things to good in our life. This includes the weakness as well as the strengths. Your daughter needs all the things that make you an amazing mom! Your fun sense of humor, your commitment to be there for her, your compassion (all these things are so obvious through all your posts!) BUT she also needed a Mom with your particular set of what you percieve as limitations. GOD knew she needed YOU! You are the perfect parent to lead her to her destiny. Not just because of all the things you are good at, but also because of all the areas you may not be as good at. These are the perfect blend she needed in a Mom. Without you, your strengths AND your weaknesses, she could never reach the amazing life God has planned for her. He is using ALL of who you are to make her into EVERYTHING she will be the happiest becoming. Your limitations are just as much a part of HIS plan as your strengths! When all is said and done, she wouldn't have it any other way! :001_smile:

 

Thank you. I need to remind myself of this.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I dont suffer too much from the guilt thing but I over extended myself so many times I think I just learned that I can't do that. It backfires- if I say yes to a playdate I don't want to give, and I get exhausted, chances are I will lose my temper, say something I regret, or in some other way behave in such a way as to remind me I didn't want to say yes in the first place...yet I did. It's not worth it.

But staying within my own boundaries and only saying yes when I actually mean it, I don't get resentful. I think my dh taught me that- he is an expert at saying no and not feeling guilty :)

 

But the above quote is what jumps out at me from others' responses. We all have our own dynamic with our kids but sometimes we forget to let them know how human we are. I know my mum forgot- she took the "mum" role and forgot to teach me that she was human. She would be super mum, then she would explode and be horrible. Then supermum again. I have tried not to do that to my kids- I will do what i can do, and I will give what I can give- but I have limits, and health is one of those limits for me too. They just have to understand.

 

My dh is an expert at saying no and not feeling guilty too. Unfortunately, my dd knows all too well that I"m not supermom. It may be her age or it may be an inherent selfishness in her nature but it doesn't always spur her to understanding and compassion.

[Rosie_0801]

You're making me think of the phrase "You can't get blood out of a stone."

 

And that's not the stone's fault.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[Jean in Newcastle]

You're making me think of the phrase "You can't get blood out of a stone."

 

And that's not the stone's fault.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

 

Here the saying is a turnip. I think I'd rather be a stone than a turnip. . .:D

[lovelaughs_times_three]

Jean - you are so sweet how you take the time to respond to each and every person! You are so obviously someone who thinks of others first. You have a gift of making each and every one of us feel like what we have to say/offer is valuable. I can only imagine how amazing of a mother you must be with this gift. I am sure that each of your children feel special, valued and loved.

Thanks for being such a kind friend to all of us - even when it is you who are in need. Such generosity! :001_smile:

[Ester Maria]

:grouphug:

 

You are a very good person, Jean. Your daughter will come to appreciate it with time. She may already now appreciate it more than she is able to verbalize it. Life gets tough. We have to make some choices. Many of them, if not most, are made in that grey area and really come down to drawing the line somewhere quite arbitrarily. It is okay. We all resented it a little as children, now and then, but we also matured and grew out of it - and our children will do so too, if brought up with love and understanding that we are also only imperfect fellow human beings. You cannot make this parenting thing "perfect" in any way. It is a tragicomedy in many aspects. Life is one, too. Knowing how to laugh at the absurdity of it all, or to cry about it in private once in a while, is perfectly normal. I think that on some deep intuitive levels kids get it, too. You are more lucky in me in that you are able to believe in some inner sense of everything. In times when I get overwhelmed with my own share of guilt, I envy all of you who have some faith or some inner sense of regularity of life to go back to. For me, even in my darkest moments, it remains a theatre of the absurd and my cynicism reaches its peak.

 

I do find myself saying "yes" a lot more in situations in which, maybe, I should still be saying "no". I am not sure if this is an option for you, but at some point quite recently it did dawn to me that, at the end of the day, things are usually not as important as I make them be, so if DC want to do something which does not require a particular effort and participation on my part, I just sort of... let them. I am not always happy my choice. DH is not always happy either. He constantly reminds me that *I* am an adult, that *I* dictate the dynamic of our relationship, but... I know how hard it is sometimes.

 

Take care.

[Marylou]

When I spend excessive time in a book or on the computer my children change. It always amazes me (not in a good way though).

[Guest ChristyfromGA]

I have been reading "Mommy Grace--Erasing Your Mommy Guilt" by Dr. Sheila Schuller Coleman and it has encouraged me greatly. FYI Christy

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have been reading "Mommy Grace--Erasing Your Mommy Guilt" by Dr. Sheila Schuller Coleman and it has encouraged me greatly. FYI Christy

 

Thank you, Christy. I'll look for that. And welcome to the Hive.:)