AngelBee Posted May 16, 2011 Author Share Posted May 16, 2011 what a LOUSY thing for your dad, uncle, and HUSBAND to do. Your husband sounds selfish and immature, and to have him lie and your dad/uncle go along with it? I'm SO sorry your you. That's just NASTY. I don't think my dad and uncle knew. They thought I knew he was going with them. They did not lie to me. At least I hope they did not know. Dh just walked in and I asked him. K....my dad did know. :( crying I am so upset. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 He missed our children's dance competition to PARTY!!! I am devistated! I had such a hard weekend working (I am a dance studio owner.) I worked Friday 12pm-about 8pm. My dd2 got a nurse elbow right before bed (realized next day). She had trouble sleeping. I have a 3 month old. So I did not sleep. Out of bed at 518AM to start day. Check in at comp 630am. There with SEVEN CHILDREN plus working til 1140pm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My dd2 got arm popped back in in the am. In the evening she took a bad spill in which grandpa tried to catch her and fell and cut his head. Meanwhile, we are giving meds to my dog who we thought was dying to stop seizures. All of this ON MY OWN (thank God for my family and dance friends who help me) so my dh could enjoy fishing opener. I am heartbroken! Honestly I would have been irritated that he was gone at all when you needed his help like this, whatever the cause - even for fishing opener! How is your dd2 doing? Poor baby!! I'm curious about the grandpa getting injured, was this a different grandpa than your dad who was at the cabin with your dh? Dh's dad perhaps? Sounds like a terrible situation and you are probably exhausted right now. I would suggest that you don't make any decisions until you have had a chance to catch up on sleep... call in help in the form or relatives or a paid babysitter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I don't think my dad and uncle knew. They thought I knew he was going with them. They did not lie to me. At least I hope they did not know. Dh just walked in and I asked him. K....my dad did know. :( crying I am so upset. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:I am sitting here at my computer wanting to speak to your husband face to face. I can't BELIEVE he had the nerve to do what he did, and then decided to spend the night at a friends instead of coming home, and left you in the dark? I hope he makes this up to you BIG TIME. Please, don't make any decisions until you're calmer and can think clearly. Can he go stay at someone's house? Can you take the kids to go somewhere? Take some time to clear your head and think? I just can't believe he left you with seven kids...... let alone everything else!!! I'm SO sorry!!!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: ETA: I don't even know what to say about your dad and your uncle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted May 16, 2011 Author Share Posted May 16, 2011 Honestly I would have been irritated that he was gone at all when you needed his help like this, whatever the cause - even for fishing opener! How is your dd2 doing? Poor baby!! I'm curious about the grandpa getting injured, was this a different grandpa than your dad who was at the cabin with your dh? Dh's dad perhaps? Sounds like a terrible situation and you are probably exhausted right now. I would suggest that you don't make any decisions until you have had a chance to catch up on sleep... call in help in the form or relatives or a paid babysitter. My mom and dad are divorced. Dh was with my dad. Grandpa that fell is my mom's bf of 5 or 6 years. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I am so sorry. But try and keep your cool, if you can. It might not be as terrible as you think. I mean, it was absolutely wrong what he did, and I'd be livid. But, the Lord can transform a marriage. Sounds like you two need some counseling. I hope he is open to it. I'll be praying for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Inna* Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted May 16, 2011 Author Share Posted May 16, 2011 I am so sorry. But try and keep your cool, if you can. It might not be as terrible as you think. I mean, it was absolutely wrong what he did, and I'd be livid. But, the Lord can transform a marriage. Sounds like you two need some counseling. I hope he is open to it. I'll be praying for you! I have been waiting for that transformation for nearly 10 years. Now I am just tired. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
love2read Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I would be heart broken. I have been heart broken over and over like this. It's betrayal and like you I have wanted to leave my husband dozens of times. It's so hard to live happily with someone you can't trust. Let's talk about how you can deal with this situation right here and now so you start to feel better. It's not good for your health to be so upset now. If you can distract yourself for just 30 minutes, you'll have better perspective, although talking about it here will help hugely too. A bath? A walk? McDonalds? Chick flick? I wanted to kill my husband yesterday and went into a side room to get away from him. One of my dc was watching a movie, and I ended up watching it too. I was surprised at how much better I felt. The anger came back, but the temporary good feeling gave me some time to think and it gave me hope. Let's brainstorm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wy_kid_wrangler04 Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: I am praying for you. I highly recommend you take some time away before talking. Talk to a close friend/relative. Then when you are ready sit down and talk with Dh. I will pray for wisdom for you. This is not an easy situation. And beyond selfish of your dh to leave you like this. I am so sorry hon, hang in there. Just please don't say anything you will regret, and not in front of your kids. :grouphug::grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aggieamy Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 So he's home now? Why are you still on here with us? Go talk to him, he's the one you need to be discussing all this with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UnsinkableKristen Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 Holy Cow. I am so sorry, how awful! Please take time to let him tell you exactly what happened and why. And ask for lots of reasons and explanations. Maybe ask if he knows when the last time YOU went away was and if he would be willing to reciprocate. It may give insight into what his internal state is right now and you can talk it through and see where it leads you. :grouphug: and prayers - God can redeem the worst. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ezrabean2005 Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 So your DH is home now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I have been waiting for that transformation for nearly 10 years. Now I am just tired. :sad::sad::sad: It would be extremely difficult to be a single parent to seven kids. You need to decide, calmly and clearly, NOT NOW, which would be easier; raising seven kids with him or raising seven kids without him. Is he always so selfish?:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ezrabean2005 Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 So he's home now? Why are you still on here with us? Go talk to him, he's the one you need to be discussing all this with. :iagree: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted May 16, 2011 Author Share Posted May 16, 2011 So he's home now? Why are you still on here with us? Go talk to him, he's the one you need to be discussing all this with. I can not speak. Honestly....I can not push words out of my mouth. He is acting as though nothing happened. I need to stay here to collect my thoughts. Words are powerful and I want to use them wisely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perry Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 My mom and dad are divorced. I can see why.:glare: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BatmansWife Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 :grouphug: :grouphug: I am sorry that it turned out this way. I'd be furious too. But, I did want to just say that I wouldn't jump to a decision of divorce so quickly. Right now you are mad....you are tired....you are stressed....and you just recently had a baby, so maybe you have some baby blues right now too. That doesn't mean that you aren't entitled to be mad....because I think you are entitled to it, and I KNOW I would be too. I just am saying that all of this on top of everything may not make you think clearly. Divorce would open a whole 'nother set of problems, I think. Just think of visitation, etc. I would never dream of letting my kids go off to their dads for visitation and me not being there. I think it would be a much worse situation. I know it's a difficult situation the way it is. I hope that he is able to sit down with you and explain himself and listen to your feelings. :grouphug: :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted May 16, 2011 Author Share Posted May 16, 2011 Is he always so selfish?:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Yes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I can not speak. Honestly....I can not push words out of my mouth. He is acting as though nothing happened. I need to stay here to collect my thoughts. Words are powerful and I want to use them wisely. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 Yes. If that's really true and it's not just FURY speaking, then I think it might be time for you to pursue divorce. It looks like your mom has BTDT. What's she think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted May 16, 2011 Author Share Posted May 16, 2011 I can see why.:glare: Totally. And I married his mini me. :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 Yes. Well........ IF you decide that it's easier/more peaceful to raise your kids without him, do you have a plan in place? I will keep the rest of my words to myself. I fear I'll get banned or have this thread locked/deleted if I say anymore....... I will check back later. I'm SO SORRY!!!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I am so sorry. But try and keep your cool, if you can. It might not be as terrible as you think. I mean, it was absolutely wrong what he did, and I'd be livid. But, the Lord can transform a marriage. Sounds like you two need some counseling. I hope he is open to it. I'll be praying for you! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Don't do anything rash in the heat of anger. I would encourage you to explore a program like Retrouvaille. I know several couples who were on the brink of divorce who did Retrouvaille and were able to work through some pretty major problems. They are now happier than ever and recommend the program to everyone they know who are considering divorce/separation. Not every marriage can be saved, but with children to think about, it's worth giving a serious try (assuming there's not any domestic violence or other physical safety concerns). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 :grouphug: It seems to me your husband may be looking for a confrontation - maybe to clear the air about something? He had to realize you would find out about the weekend when he didn't come home on time. If he truly wanted to keep this a secret, he would have gotten his butt home when you were expecting him. Especially being there with your dad and uncle - he had to realize he would get caught and you would be furious. Could that have been his goal? Or is he really just so clueless and selfish that he thought he'd get away with it anyway? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted May 16, 2011 Author Share Posted May 16, 2011 If that's really true and it's not just FURY speaking, then I think it might be time for you to pursue divorce. It looks like your mom has BTDT. What's she think? She thought I should have years ago. I really wanted to make this work. I feel lke a failure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emerkaza Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 AngelBee, I am SO sorry you are having to go through this ordeal. I would be extremely hurt and angry. Your feelings are definitely justified in this situation. If your dh needed to get away for a weekend, he should have let you know and picked a different weekend. Ugh! I am angry for you! I hope you are able to sit down together and talk. He needs to understand how his actions have affected you. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 She thought I should have years ago. I really wanted to make this work. I feel lke a failure. You're not a failure...it takes two to make a marriage work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 :grouphug: It seems to me your husband may be looking for a confrontation - maybe to clear the air about something? He had to realize you would find out about the weekend when he didn't come home on time. If he truly wanted to keep this a secret, he would have gotten his butt home when you were expecting him. Especially being there with your dad and uncle - he had to realize he would get caught and you would be furious. Could that have been his goal? Or is he really just so clueless and selfish that he thought he'd get away with it anyway? Maybe they were all going to go fishing & changed their minds? Maybe he didn't care if he got caught once he had left. Maybe he thought that since he'd normally be sleeping/working during the extra hours he was gone, it didn't make a difference. (Men seem to think this way.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted May 16, 2011 Author Share Posted May 16, 2011 Well........ IF you decide that it's easier/more peaceful to raise your kids without him, do you have a plan in place? I will keep the rest of my words to myself. I fear I'll get banned or have this thread locked/deleted if I say anymore....... I will check back later. I'm SO SORRY!!!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: angelbee369 @ hotmail.com Please email your thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twoforjoy Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 Not every marriage can be saved, but with children to think about, it's worth giving a serious try (assuming there's not any domestic violence or other physical safety concerns). This. Not to mention, if the issue is that he leaves you alone with the kids, and that's a burden for you, divorce wouldn't help, you know? It sounds like what you want is for him to be more present, rather than less present. So, as angry as you are right now, seeing if it's possible to work towards him being more present and available would probably be easier on everybody. Not every relationship will work out, but, while I'd be furious, I also wouldn't take any drastic steps at this point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted May 16, 2011 Author Share Posted May 16, 2011 Maybe they were all going to go fishing & changed their minds? Maybe he didn't care if he got caught once he had left. Maybe he thought that since he'd normally be sleeping/working during the extra hours he was gone, it didn't make a difference. (Men seem to think this way.) He told me he knew before he left where he was going and who he was going with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 This. Not to mention, if the issue is that he leaves you alone with the kids, and that's a burden for you, divorce wouldn't help, you know? It sounds like what you want is for him to be more present, rather than less present. So, as angry as you are right now, seeing if it's possible to work towards him being more present and available would probably be easier on everybody. Not every relationship will work out, but, while I'd be furious, I also wouldn't take any drastic steps at this point. Having someone not be in your home WHO IS NOT SUPPOSED to be in your home is easy. Having someone not be there who IS supposed to be there is nerve-wracking, at the least. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 She thought I should have years ago. I really wanted to make this work. I feel lke a failure. There's a failure here, but it's not YOU. I'm so very sorry, AB! :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted May 16, 2011 Author Share Posted May 16, 2011 This. Not to mention, if the issue is that he leaves you alone with the kids, and that's a burden for you, divorce wouldn't help, you know? It sounds like what you want is for him to be more present, rather than less present. So, as angry as you are right now, seeing if it's possible to work towards him being more present and available would probably be easier on everybody. Not every relationship will work out, but, while I'd be furious, I also wouldn't take any drastic steps at this point. No burden. Just explaining how crazy the weekend was. It was fun and an honor watching my beautiful children on stage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 Wow, your feelings aside does he care at all that his CHILDREN might be concerned about his safety? :glare: May you find some peace and the strength to say what you need to say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 He told me he knew before he left where he was going and who he was going with. Woulda been nice if he let you know. Did you ask him how he would feel if he came home one day to an empty house...no note, no message on his cell...and you and the kids were gone...and then don't come home? Or if you left to get groceries and left him home with the kids...and then just decided to take yourself out for dinner and a movie,,,then since you were having such a good time, you decided to check into a hotel and sleeeeep for a lonnng time....then decided to go straight to the gym...etc. Without ever calling, because, well, you needed a break? How about just saying...I need a break...I am going with your dad to the mountains. If you need me call my cell, but I really just need some down time. Men! I really think he figured it would be less stressful to do what he wanted and then take his lumps when he got home. Faithe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer in MI Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I'll pm you when I have more time to collect my thoughts. :grouphug: I want you to know I'm thinking of you and praying for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 :grouphug: if you have a church and can speak to someone to help you sort out what you're thinking and feeling, that could be worth its weight in gold. if not, maybe you know someone you can talk to..... because sometimes a disaster like this can bring a couple closer in the long run. (and, flip side, sometimes something like this happens because one person wants out and behaves badly so that its the other person who becomes "the bad guy/gal" and asks for a divorce). is there someone who can be with your kids while you talk? while you sleep before you talk? i suspect a lot of us are wishing we were closer and could just come over and be with your kids while you rested. i was a single mom of 2.... i can't imagine being a single mom of 7, i just can't. :grouphug: is your mom near? would she be a help? you poor thing! ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GWOB Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 :grouphug: I've been watching this thread all day. OP, I'm kinda glad I don't know you IRL because I'd probably rip your "d"h a new one. I get that guys need to get away too, but seriously? SERIOUSLY?!?! That's just a wee bit extreme. And your dad went along with it? Dad would get ripped a new one as well. I would be spitting mad. It would not be a pretty sight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted May 16, 2011 Author Share Posted May 16, 2011 I'll pm you when I have more time to collect my thoughts. :grouphug: I want you to know I'm thinking of you and praying for you. email me. My box if full. I don't have the energy to clean it out. It has been full a while. :001_huh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gratia271 Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I just finished reading this entire thread and wanted to let you know that I am praying for you. You are absolutely NOT a failure. It is hard enough to make marriage work without deception. Lies break the trust. I am like you in that to me HONESTY IS EVERYTHING. I hope that he realizes the damage he has done and is willing to fight to save his marriage and his family. YOU must come first, or it won't work. And you need to think of you and your children foremost. I wish I could take away your heartache right now. If you want anyone to just vent on, please pm me. :grouphug::grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
herbalgirl Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I don't have words right now to describe the heartache I feel for you. I will just give you a big :grouphug: and let you know I am praying for you and your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 What is his answer to: "Why? Why lie and not just tell me what your plans were?" It feels like there is missing information here. I think you have every right to be angry but I'd be asking some questions before figuring out the next step. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 (edited) oh man what a situation......that would be the end for me too.....gosh ((HUGS)) you deserve better..... Edited May 16, 2011 by SweetMissMagnolia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annlaura Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 :grouphug: So sorry for what you're going through. I despise lying. I would find it difficult to share custody of small children and a baby though. Praying for you. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted May 16, 2011 Author Share Posted May 16, 2011 What is his answer to: "Why? Why lie and not just tell me what your plans were?" It feels like there is missing information here. I think you have every right to be angry but I'd be asking some questions before figuring out the next step. Becasue I would be mad. ??? Doesn't make anymore sense to me than it does to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted May 16, 2011 Author Share Posted May 16, 2011 hope he's home quickly.....he should have let you know if he was going to be home differently than planned...... :grouphug: He is home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 Becasue I would be mad. ??? Doesn't make anymore sense to me than it does to you. Has this been a consistent conflict between you? Him wanting time with the guys and you not allowing it? Why does he think you would have said yes to the fishing and no to the cabin? Is alcohol the underlying issue (ie, you thought fishing = no drinking but he wanted to drink)? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
usetoschool Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 She thought I should have years ago. I really wanted to make this work. I feel lke a failure. There are three in my circle of IRL friends in the same situation - you need to keep repeating and reminding yourself that he is selfish, you can't change him and it isn't your fault. When someone is self focused you cannot do enough to make them happy and you will destroy yourself trying. It is NOT your fault. You did not fail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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