How do you raise kids with your values when no one near you shares them?

[mazakaal]

It wasn't difficult when the kids were younger, but now that they're growing, it's becoming tougher. I literally don't know anyone near me (within 4 hours) who actually shares our basic values in raising children. And I don't think that we're complete wackos.

 

I want to raise kids who are well educated, who can converse well on a variety of topics, who can express themselves clearly both orally and in writing, who have a basic understanding of the history of the world and how past events have shaped the world we live in today. Honestly, I'm not looking for Ivy League or doctors or lawyers, but I do look at the world around me and realize that the American (and British) school systems are producing kids that can barely read or do basic math. While this is a result of many things, I believe that lowered expectations are one of the main causes. That's why I don't think that testing or teacher incentives are going to make any sort of long term improvement. So I try to expect more of my kids. I teach them Latin and logic. I force them to do their math whether they want to or not. I do have high expectations, but I also know that I push them a lot less than many here on this board, so I don't think that I'm over-the-top.

 

I know that our religious beliefs also set us apart. We're conservative Christians and are fairly strict with limiting worldly influences. We've actually loosened up a lot because we were so different from everyone we know, even local Christians. But even our leniency is very strict compared to everyone we know. We don't want our teenagers to drink until they're of age. We don't want our teenagers to use foul language. We don't think they should date because it could open them up to temptation.

 

Our oldest is really struggling with the fact that we're so different. Honestly, I've completely dropped my academic expectations for him, which absolutely breaks my heart, but he was too resistent at home and was causing too much conflict. We had to put him in school to have peace during homeschool for the rest of the kids. Now he's had even more bad influences from kids at school, and he resents the way we are raising him. I empathize with him because he doesn't have a single kid his age who is being raised with the same values.

 

Sorry this got so long. I'm not even sure if I've clearly expressed the struggles I'm having. I just don't know how to make ds understand why we're raising him the way we are. I just wish that there was another family near us who shared our values, a friend for him who was being raised the same way, so he wouldn't feel so completely different, so alone.

 

Anyway, any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[JennyD]

I'm afraid that I'm still a little fuzzy on your situation -- perhaps because I'm not all that familiar with the social landscape in the UK. Is the problem that you can't find other academically oriented families, you can't find other conservative Christian families, or that you can't find other families who are both?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm a conservative Christian who wants a high level of education for my children but I wonder if you are making the wrong things the issue?

 

When I get together with others (homeschoolers or not) our level of education doesn't seem to be an issue. I suppose if they were grunting at us or were not able to carry on a basic conversation that would be a different thing, but I've found that most conversations in those sorts of get togethers are more of the "tag, you're it" or "pass me the lemonade" variety. My children know that we value education because it allows us to use our brain as God has intended us to, to interact and get the most out of His creation and to communicate effectively with others made in His image (ie. the entire human race). We don't point out or make an issue of other people's level of schooling or commitment (or not) to classical ideals. I don't think that's the sort of thing that God wants us to make a big deal of, you know?

 

We don't use foul language, support underage drinking etc. but I haven't found that most middle-class families do. We have friends from all walks of life and the most I've ever had to do was to quietly as them to clean up their language. Since foul language isn't allowed in schools etc. anyway, they do so without any problem. We do have different standards of books, media and esp. electronics (since my ds has a computer addiction) but except for the electronics it hasn't been a problem. The electronics can be a problem because many young people are used to it being a major source of entertainment. We've just had to introduce them to other "better" sources of entertainment - nerf gun capture the flag, making live music, going on bike rides etc. My kids know the "whys" behind our choices and that they are choices more than prohibitions.

[LauraKay28]

:bigear:

[mazakaal]

I can't find either. No one seems to share my values on the importance of education or on 'right living'. I mean, it doesn't even have to be a Christian. To me, not using bad language, not drinking underage, not dating, dressing appropriately, not wearing makeup when you're 8yo (for dd) are just not necessarily Christian issues. But still we seem to stand alone.

[Teachin'Mine]

I would raise them as though those values were so precious and in danger of extinction. I would stick to our values and hope that others would at least respect our decisions and some might even find them of use in their own families. I know that many Catholics find it challenging in the UK as well - few people in attendance, etc..

[kalanamak]

 

Sorry this got so long. I'm not even sure if I've clearly expressed the struggles I'm having. I just don't know how to make ds understand why we're raising him the way we are. I just wish that there was another family near us who shared our values, a friend for him who was being raised the same way, so he wouldn't feel so completely different, so alone.

 

 

 

:grouphug: If it is any solace, I was that child, and I picked up with not-evil but rather adventurous group in high school, but we all mellowed and became rather like our parents. I've been in touch with several, and none has turned out badly. I do remember feeling like freak and hating my parents about it. I've forgiven them by 18, and really loved and trusted them from 19 on. So there is hope.

[Jane in NC]

How do you know that all of these people do not share your values? Have you interviewed them? How are you judging them?

 

I have found that many like minded people will attend the same sort of events that we enjoy. The children who took piano lessons with my son were from families that valued music. The children who were in science classes at the museum were from families that valued curiosity and knowledge. Sure, our families may not mirror each other in appearance, but there were certain core values which we shared. These usually involved wanting something more for our kids than crass commercialism.

 

I would not judge people on appearances like clothing or makeup.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I can't find either. No one seems to share my values on the importance of education or on 'right living'. I mean, it doesn't even have to be a Christian. To me, not using bad language, not drinking underage, not dating, dressing appropriately, not wearing makeup when you're 8yo (for dd) are just not necessarily Christian issues. But still we seem to stand alone.

 

But see, those aren't necessarily things that I require of our friends. My ds's best friend is a guy who does not share our beliefs BUT he is respectful of our beliefs. He's a computer geek - ds can't play computer games due to addiction issues - BUT he's willing not to play them at our house. He uses bad language elsewhere - BUT he's willing to clean up his language at our house. I don't know if he dates yet but he did try to set my ds up with his sister BUT after I asked him to cool it, he stopped the dating talk. His dress is not an issue, and he doesn't wear make-up but if he were a girl, I would show some leniency on both dress and make-up as long as they met basic societal standards, not my standards for my kids. He's a good friend to my ds because he likes him, is respectful and "gets" my son. They have long involved conversations on the meaning of life and have a blast playing games etc. The one "weird" thing I do is require that all get togethers be at our house because I can't enforce computer/electronics use at someone else's house and with my son's addiction it is that important to me.

[BlsdMama]

http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com

 

You'll find her advice helpful, I know I have and I understand just what you're saying.

 

:grouphug:

[Mergath]

How do you know that all of these people do not share your values? Have you interviewed them? How are you judging them?

 

I have found that many like minded people will attend the same sort of events that we enjoy. The children who took piano lessons with my son were from families that valued music. The children who were in science classes at the museum were from families that valued curiosity and knowledge. Sure, our families may not mirror each other in appearance, but there were certain core values which we shared. These usually involved wanting something more for our kids than crass commercialism.

 

I would not judge people on appearances like clothing or makeup.

 

We've had an extremely hard time making friends in our area because people judge us immediately on our appearance and our religious beliefs, when in reality, we probably share many values with conservative Christians when it comes to raising our children. Granted, the reasoning behind those values may differ, but the values are still much the same.

 

Try to get to know some of the people you're talking about who have such different values, op. You might find you have more in common with them than you think.

[mazakaal]

I'm not saying that we don't interact with people of different values. I'm not bothered that they're choosing a different path for their families. And I never mention those differences to the kids. I'm just saying that the kids can't figure out why I expect them to do several hours of school work per day (2hrs for 7yo, 2.5hrs for 8yo, 4.5hrs for 13yo) when the other homeschoolers we know only spend an hour or two per day. The 14yo can't understand why we don't want him drinking when literally everyone he knows is allowed to drink. He can't understand why we don't want improper language on his facebook page (by him or any of his 'friends'), when it doesn't seem to bother his friends' parents. We explain the 'whys' behind our choices too, but he just doesn't get it when no one he knows shares those ideas. The 8yo can't figure out why we won't let her have makeup when all her friends are allowed to, no matter how many times we explain that we feel that she's beautiful just the way God made her and we don't want her growing up to fast. I don't really want to get into the idea that makeup on a young girl can make her look older and possibly attractive to an older man who could force himself upon her, etc. I'm just not going to go there with an 8yo.

[mazakaal]

Okay, but ds's friends don't respect our beliefs. They don't use bad language in our presence, but they do on ds's facebook page. They think we're nuts for not letting ds drink.

 

And I'm not saying we won't be friends with girls who have makeup, but that it makes dd confused that they're allowed it and she isn't.

[mazakaal]

:grouphug: If it is any solace, I was that child, and I picked up with not-evil but rather adventurous group in high school, but we all mellowed and became rather like our parents. I've been in touch with several, and none has turned out badly. I do remember feeling like freak and hating my parents about it. I've forgiven them by 18, and really loved and trusted them from 19 on. So there is hope.

 

 

Thanks, it's nice to hear that there is hope.

[mazakaal]

How do you know that all of these people do not share your values? Have you interviewed them? How are you judging them?

 

I have found that many like minded people will attend the same sort of events that we enjoy. The children who took piano lessons with my son were from families that valued music. The children who were in science classes at the museum were from families that valued curiosity and knowledge. Sure, our families may not mirror each other in appearance, but there were certain core values which we shared. These usually involved wanting something more for our kids than crass commercialism.

 

I would not judge people on appearances like clothing or makeup.

 

I'm not judging them. I don't mind what values they hold. I'm just having a hard time with my own kids, getting them to understand why we make the choices we do when no one we know feels the same. And I'm not judging them based on how they look. I'm saying that they let their kids drink. They're not bothered by it. They buy their dd's makeup. They let their dc do things we don't let ours do. That's fine. They're allowed to make those choices. I'm just asking for advice for how to deal with my kids.

[Mergath]

Okay, but ds's friends don't respect our beliefs. They don't use bad language in our presence, but they do on ds's facebook page. They think we're nuts for not letting ds drink.

 

And I'm not saying we won't be friends with girls who have makeup, but that it makes dd confused that they're allowed it and she isn't.

 

There are always going to be differences like that, though. You're never going to find another family who meets your exact qualifications as far as values and behavior. Really, you can either forbid your children from having friends, or just keep explaining that your family makes different choices and that's the end of it. Just because your dc's friends aren't as well-mannered, doesn't mean they don't have good hearts. And if cursing and makeup are the only bad influences your children are facing at the moment, count yourself lucky.

[mazakaal]

There are always going to be differences like that, though. You're never going to find another family who meets your exact qualifications as far as values and behavior. Really, you can either forbid your children from having friends, or just keep explaining that your family makes different choices and that's the end of it. Just because your dc's friends aren't as well-mannered, doesn't mean they don't have good hearts. And if cursing and makeup are the only bad influences your children are facing at the moment, count yourself lucky.

 

Those were just examples. I was shocked when a friend was over and told us about the party he held for his 14yo ds and 40 of his friends. It was a co-ed sleepover and there was plenty of drinking, some kids to the point of being sick. He was there for the whole thing and seemed fine with it all. Fortunately we live an hour away from them and ds didn't go. But if we still lived there, ds would have been invited. How difficult would it have been for him to make right choices (or what we would consider right choices) in that environment. At least when I was young, I had a friend who had asthma. Whenever our other friends started to smoke (illegal substances), she had to go outside and I could use the excuse that I was going to keep her company. I think ds would have been the only kid there not drinking if he could even have been strong enough to make that decision.

[lorrainejmc]

I am in the UK also, but there seems to be quite an active Christian homeschooling community where I am. I understand how you feel, though. I have met many people who don't share my values and educational preferences. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong to any group, even within the hs community.

 

The UK is out of control, IMO. Lads mags at toddler height in the supermarket, adult style clothing for young girls, and of course, the underage drinking, smoking and, well, I don't have to spell it out, but STDs among teenagers here is shocking.

 

Add to that, parents who simply don't disipline their kids. A few weeks ago we were at a family dog show. A boy of about 10 had just learned from his mother that his dog did not win the pets section. He was given a bar of chocolate for taking part. He snatched it, threw and stamped it into the ground while his mother simply made excuses like it was because they were late:001_huh:

 

My oldest child is 9 but I am very worried about the future. I think you need to be here to really get it. Communities are scattered in the UK.

Edited April 30, 2011 by lorrainejmc

[Jean in Newcastle]

Those were just examples. I was shocked when a friend was over and told us about the party he held for his 14yo ds and 40 of his friends. It was a co-ed sleepover and there was plenty of drinking, some kids to the point of being sick. He was there for the whole thing and seemed fine with it all. Fortunately we live an hour away from them and ds didn't go. But if we still lived there, ds would have been invited. How difficult would it have been for him to make right choices (or what we would consider right choices) in that environment. At least when I was young, I had a friend who had asthma. Whenever our other friends started to smoke (illegal substances), she had to go outside and I could use the excuse that I was going to keep her company. I think ds would have been the only kid there not drinking if he could even have been strong enough to make that decision.

 

Wow - I guess the people in our neighborhoods here have very different values. I do not see most 8 year olds in make-up other than perhaps some lip gloss. I do not know any families who would support underage drinking for 14 year old (17 year olds, yes, but not that young).

 

We do have friends who school very differently and less formally but the kids never talk about school so it hasn't been an issue for us.

 

:grouphug: I hope you find some good friends. You said that you are Christians, are there no likeminded families at your church? Or perhaps in sports? Often sports families are not as caught up in cultural stuff because they are so busy being healthy!

[laughing lioness]

I just wrote about something similar on my blog regarding education and the heart of our kids. You can read it here.

[mazakaal]

www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com

 

You'll find her advice helpful, I know I have and I understand just what you're saying.

 

:grouphug:

 

Thanks. I'll read her web site.

[mazakaal]

Yes, it really is difficult to raise kids in this society. Glad to hear I'm not in it alone.

[mazakaal]

Your blog post was lovely. Thanks for sharing it.

[Jenny in Atl]

I most likely don't share many of your values, but I understand what you're saying. I often feel the same way about where I live. So far my kids seem to have a pretty strong feeling about our "worldview" and have not adopted the views of others. They listen and try to respect, but both are grounded in what our family feels is a "right" path. All this while living in a very conservative, yet vapid place.

[Carol in Cal.]

It's hard, isn't it.

It pays off though, truly.

Remember, you're the parent (I know you do, but sometimes it bears repeating). That means that every so often you do things and take stands and make rules that your children will only understand in retrospect. It's tiring, but we do it, trusting that the outcome will prove fruitful.

 

It must have been nice to live when the culture supported our values instead of fighting them. But those times are not our times. God still has plans for us. His Word endures forever. He still calls us to our vocations as parents. He still calls us and our children to develop and use our talents to His glory.

 

You can do this.

 

I'll close with that great Anglican hymn..."Once to every man and nation"

 

"Though the cause of evil prosper, yet the truth alone is strong;

Though her portion be the scaffold, and upon the throne be wrong;

Yet that scaffold sways the future, and behind the dim unknown,

Standeth God within the shadow, keeping watch above His own."

 

and with this Bible verse that leaped to mind:

 

Galatians 6:9 "And let us not be weary in well-doing; for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not."

Edited April 30, 2011 by Carol in Cal.

[mazakaal]

Carol, this is very encouraging. Thanks so much. The words of those old hymns are so rich. I wish we sang more of them in church. This is exactly what I needed to hear, especially Gal 6:9. What a great reminder. Thank you. :grouphug:

[laughing lioness]

It's hard, isn't it.

It pays off though, truly.

Remember, you're the parent (I know you do, but sometimes it bears repeating). That means that every so often you do things and take stands and make rules that your children will only understand in retrospect. It's tiring, but we do it, trusting that the outcome will prove fruitful.

 

It must have been nice to live when the culture supported our values instead of fighting them. But those times are not our times. God still has plans for us. His Word endures forever. He still calls us to our vocations as parents. He still calls us and our children to develop and use our talents to His glory.

 

You can do this.

 

I'll close with that great Anglican hymn..."Once to every man and nation"

 

"Though the cause of evil prosper, yet the truth alone is strong;

Though her portion be the scaffold, and upon the throne be wrong;

Yet that scaffold sways the future, and behind the dim unknown,

Standeth God within the shadow, keeping watch above His own."

 

and with this Bible verse that leaped to mind:

 

Galatians 6:9 "And let us not be weary in well-doing; for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not."

 

Beautiful, Carol!

[Virg]

I know exactly what you mean! So far my children have agreed with me and I try not to worry but it is a little frightening that our values are SO different from everyone around us. Before we moved it wasn't so bad at least my whole family was also CC.

[Carol in Cal.]

Carol, this is very encouraging. Thanks so much. The words of those old hymns are so rich. I wish we sang more of them in church. This is exactly what I needed to hear, especially Gal 6:9. What a great reminder. Thank you. :grouphug:

 

Oh good! You're welcome. I love those hymns, too.

:grouphug:

[angela in ohio]

The big thing I've done is to set a "family culture." Dh and I frequently say, "but our family does this." We make sure there are good things, too, about our family culture: dc have more opportunities than many of their peers, not just more restrctions and responsibilities.

 

Honestly, we've always taught our dc pride (good pride, not bad pride) in being the 'different family.' That has held us up when under attack for our choices. :001_smile:

[angela in ohio]

Okay, but ds's friends don't respect our beliefs. They don't use bad language in our presence, but they do on ds's facebook page. They think we're nuts for not letting ds drink.

 

Yes, this is what people don't understand. It's not a matter of just having different standards/values/etc. It's that yours will be assaulted.

[justamouse]

You have no church body to surround you?

[LibraryLover]

Some of those things would bother me. I don't know any parents in our circle who would allow 14 yr olds to get drunk in their home. I have known small girls in our hsing group to wear cherry lip balms or maybe paint their nails, but not use actual makeup. If my teens' FB walls were filled with nasty talk, I would ask them to remove those comments. I post on the kids' walls (great photo, play was great, good game--things like that), so their friends know I'm 'listening'. I think that helps.

 

The drinking and the FB abuse is a concern, but I would try to keep that separate from the number of hours the other hsers study. That's not important in the scheme of it. I wouldn't discuss that difference with my childrenn, which would eliminate at least one us/them comparrison. I've never heard any of the younger children in our hsing group talk about how many hours a day they work. Most people who homeschool do so because they want something 'better' for their children, so there is that shared value.

 

How do the friends of your ds act when they are in your home? Kids can rise to the challenge.

Edited May 1, 2011 by LibraryLover

[mazakaal]

This will probably be shocking to you, but we didn't have many kids at our old church, and the ones who did come didn't have super high standards. I suppose that they were pretty good about the language thing, but they do let their kids embrace a lot of the secular culture - music, movies, style of dress, etc. I love the people and was really saddened when I recently learned that they actually allow their 15yos to drink.

 

We moved about a year ago and have had a hard time finding a new church. We finally settled on a place about a month ago, but I don't know the people well enough to really know where they stand on these things. I'm hoping that as we get to know them better, we will find some who share our values.

[justamouse]

You are in the UK? Perhaps drinking young is a cultural thing?

 

I don't know about the makeup stuff, though, even my 16 yo doesn't see the need for it most days. I would try telling her how pretty her ___ are on days when you're not talking about how 'we don't wear makeup at 8'.

 

School is school is school and those are the hours and that's that. There is not cultural curve for academic excellence unless you're kicking it up a notch.

 

Are they trying so hard to fit in because of the moves?

[mazakaal]

Yes, I've been coming to some shocking realizations recently, mostly about the teenagers in this area. We did tell ds to delete inappropriate comments and trashy talk on his fb wall. Then we saw him making an inappropriate comment. It was the final straw. He's now had to delete his account.

 

I'm not too worried about us doing more school hours than others. It's just the kids who fuss, "Why do I have to do so much work? Blah, Blah, Blah." The other parents certainly do share the values of wanting to give a better education to their kids. And that's good. And I think that some of the homeschoolers do share some of our conservative values of protecting kids from worldliness. We're still getting to know them, so hopefully we will find more common ground as time goes on. At least the kids in the homeschool group are respectful and aren't using bad language. So that's at least a good thing.

[LibraryLover]

Yes, this is what people don't understand. It's not a matter of just having different standards/values/etc. It's that yours will be assaulted.

 

 

Yes. That would be frustrating. I don't want my teens drinking, for instance. It's not safe. I know there are teens around here who drink, but I also know there are kids who don't. We have teens over every week and we've never had problems. My food standards do drop...I buy chips and soda, for example. We do have Xbox, I did buy a foosball table, and a full drum set. ;) I like the warmer months better as they play basketball outside and melt marshmallows over the firepit. It's not quiet ;), but they are good kids who speak kindly to me and are respectful.

[mazakaal]

I do think that the drinking thing is a cultural thing. The legal drinking age is 18, and from the age of 5 kids can drink at home with their parents. I'm not bothered if people allow their kids to drink at home with them, but I've been really saddened how so many teenagers are allowed to go out drinking at parties.

 

The one I'm having the most problems with right now is the oldest. He's always been very social and very focused on having friends. I don't think the problem is with moving necessarily, but with wanting to make friends in the new area.

[sleepymommy]

We are not Christian but my parents tried their best to raise us according to our Hindu values. These included no dating, no parties, no staying out past 7 pm on weekends ( forget about school nights), education took top priority (getting a B on my report card was frowned upon), and even the thought of drinking would have been shocking enough!

 

Being the ONLY non-white/non-black, possibly the only non-Christian (I grew up in a small, southern community) in my entire school was hard though and EVERYONE dated, by junior high most were sleeping around, and drinking was very mainstream.

 

I would see my friend's parents and they would ask me if I had a boyfriend yet, who was I going to prom with, etc. I even had parents of some of the boys from my school come to me to tell me their son thought I was cute (wink, wink). This was the norm in my town, it was everywhere.

 

I'm happy to report that despite this I turned out alright. I did run with the drinking crowd for a bit, the guilt of hurting my parents still haunts me sometimes. I know that my parents were right with their beliefs in how I should be raised and I respect their actions completely though at the time I thought they were borderline nuts. :tongue_smilie:

[LibraryLover]

At some point, although I am not sure it's 14, we have to let go a bit on the movies/music thing for some kids. It's not that I don't have standards---I have very high standards, but if kids are chomping at the bit to watch Batman or whatnot, I'd consider it. Then I would discuss it. It's not to condone certain activites, but to supervise them, and have a running dialogue about your family values.

 

I think to try and keep all worldiness out at all times is difficult, and I've seen that it can push kids away. Many kids won't want to test the waters, but so many do. Even the Amish have Rumspringa. Sometimes it's better to be more open, but aware, so that the young person doesn't spend all of their time and energy figuring out ways to get away or around, or reject outright, the very things that are most important to parents.

Edited May 1, 2011 by LibraryLover

[angela in ohio]

Yes. That would be frustrating. I don't want my teens drinking, for instance. It's not safe. I know there are teens around here who drink, but I also know there are kids who don't. We have teens over every week and we've never had problems. My food standards do drop...I buy chips and soda, for example. We do have Xbox, I did buy a foosball table, and a full drum set. ;) I like the warmer months better as they play basketball outside and melt marshmallows over the firepit. It's not quiet ;), but they are good kids who speak kindly to me and are respectful.

 

That would be fine.

 

I was referring more to when your dc (and you) are ridiculed, etc. for the standards you set.

[LibraryLover]

Yes. For instance, I wondered about that when I told my teen ds that I would be posting on his FB wall occassionaly . I wondered if some of his peers would make fun of that. They do not.

 

My example of the young people coming to our house and respecting our standards (lower than the OP's, for sure, with the Xbox and such) was meant to illustrate that it's possible to have standards that are accepted without issue. Perhaps some of those teens act differently in other homes, but rise to our standards when they are here, and without ridicule.

 

That would be fine.

 

I was referring more to when your dc (and you) are ridiculed, etc. for the standards you set.

Edited May 2, 2011 by LibraryLover

[LibraryLover]

The big thing I've done is to set a "family culture." Dh and I frequently say, "but our family does this." We make sure there are good things, too, about our family culture: dc have more opportunities than many of their peers, not just more restrctions and responsibilities.

 

Honestly, we've always taught our dc pride (good pride, not bad pride) in being the 'different family.' That has held us up when under attack for our choices. :001_smile:

 

I like this. We have the 'different family' rep among some. My kids like it, are proud of it, in fact. Some kids are OK with being different and some are not. Acceptance of certain family culture is a lot about personality. Some kids would brag that they listen to Homer on family road trips, and some would rather die than admit such a thing.

 

(Which is why I am an advocate of a bit of wiggle room. Better to supervise a little low brow stuff than to drive it underground. So much depends on the type of personality one is raising. lol So many are so challenging. ;) )

Edited May 1, 2011 by LibraryLover

[angela in ohio]

I like this. We have the 'different family' rep among some. My kids like it, are proud of it, in fact. Some kids are OK with being different and some are not. Acceptance of certain family culture is a lot about personality. Some kids would brag that they listen to Homer on family road trips, and some would rather die than admit such a thing.

 

(Which is why I am an advocate of a bit of wiggle room. Better to supervise a little low brow stuff than to drive it underground. So much depends on the type of personality one is raising. lol So many are so challenging. ;) )

 

That hasn't been my experience. My difficult child did come around, and all three are happy to be "odd." I have found that by holding consistently to our standards, and having them set from day one, we have had less trouble than I expected (or others predicted.) I suppose it can work out either way with love and compassionate parents. :001_smile:

 

Of course, I'm talking more about things like making moral choices, educational expectations, etc. than video games, FB, food choices, etc. We haven't really had any trouble with anyone over those. We have made choices as a family on incidentals like that, and our dc stand by them easily, probably because they helped set them. We do have a Wii, they don't want to be on FB, and we willingly eat junk during social outings (because we follow a 95% very healthy, 5% fun junk food guideline.)

[mazakaal]

This is really encouraging. Thanks so much for sharing. It sounds like your parents did a great job. :001_smile:

[mazakaal]

We have lowered our standards a lot, letting 14yo watch movies that we don't really like, but aren't horror or anything that bad. When we moved we loosened up the no video game rule and the older two boys each got a little tv with an old game system. So we've tried to be flexible and realize that we don't live in a bubble, but there are certain standards that we won't compromise on. And it's just really hard getting dc (especially the 14yo) to understand where we're coming from and not resent us. We're pretty sure that some of his friends give him a hard time for the standards that we set.

[mazakaal]

I think it must have a lot to do with personality. My 13yo is not particularly bothered by the fact that we're different. In fact, last week he spent his pocket money on a Frank Sinatra cd. My oldest wouldn't be caught dead listening to Sinatra, let alone buying it.

[Laura Corin]

I'm sorry you are finding it so hard. We live near a classy university town, which is also where the boys go to (private) school, so perhaps the educational attitudes are easier here. Whilst their schoolmates have a mix of attitudes and upbringings, each boy has found people who have similar values to ours. The school is keen to recognise the boys' abilities, and teachers are giving Calvin, in particular, the opportunity to go further and faster.

 

For the record, we are not a religious household. We have high expectations for educational attainment and behaviour.

 

In answer to your original question: my sister went off the rails a bit in her teenage years. My father and stepmother allowed her some leeway to explore, but held fast to the rules which meant the most to them. After a couple of years she came round to appreciating their ways.

 

Laura

[J-rap]

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Edited September 9, 2023 by J-rap

[ktgrok]

I'm not saying that we don't interact with people of different values. I'm not bothered that they're choosing a different path for their families. And I never mention those differences to the kids. I'm just saying that the kids can't figure out why I expect them to do several hours of school work per day (2hrs for 7yo, 2.5hrs for 8yo, 4.5hrs for 13yo) when the other homeschoolers we know only spend an hour or two per day. The 14yo can't understand why we don't want him drinking when literally everyone he knows is allowed to drink. He can't understand why we don't want improper language on his facebook page (by him or any of his 'friends'), when it doesn't seem to bother his friends' parents. We explain the 'whys' behind our choices too, but he just doesn't get it when no one he knows shares those ideas. The 8yo can't figure out why we won't let her have makeup when all her friends are allowed to, no matter how many times we explain that we feel that she's beautiful just the way God made her and we don't want her growing up to fast. I don't really want to get into the idea that makeup on a young girl can make her look older and possibly attractive to an older man who could force himself upon her, etc. I'm just not going to go there with an 8yo.

 

We have similar issues. My son is 11 and we are much more strict than his friend's parents. We enforce a bed time, don't let him drink soda all the time, didn't let him have a cell phone until recently, make him go to church, make him actually learn and read, etc.

 

It is hard, and I feel bad for him. I actually want to get cable again just so he feels a bit less weird.