Serious question for serious thinkers

[virtual_twins_mom]

Would you friend someone you knew was mentally ill?

 

I am not talking about deeply rooted psychoses but someone who exhibited slightly neurotic tendencies and suffered from depression.

 

Sure! That way my friends and I would have more friends!!! ;)

[T'smom]

If you don't attend to your own self preservation, you cannot be an awesome person. If you have to miss out on an awesome person, better it is someone else than your own self.

 

So, because someone ELSE is depressed, that would mean you don't attend to your own self-preservation? I'm 100 percent sure that you can become/keep being an awesome person and be friends with someone not as blessed. I would think that an inability to set boundaries is a personal problem with you (the general you) than the depressed person.

 

But really, shouldn't we all take a long, hard, look at ourselves? Don't we all have issues that make being friends with us difficult? Don't we hope that people look past that and become friends anyway? If we didn't friend people with problems......we wouldn't have any friends.

 

I still think that this is very, very sad. And I'm sticking with the fact that there are AWESOME people who suffer from mental illnesses. And our lives are better, if we allow them to enrich it.

 

Sorry for the disjointed thoughts,....it's really late and I'm nursing a baby that won't sleep!!!!

 

On a funny note- I might suggest staying away from sleep-deprived mothers. They're not very nice people. (This is totally a joke- because I am becoming sleep deprived right now!)

[asta]

Re: whomever said the OP didn't meet the criteria for mental illness - I haven't unpacked my DSM, and I'm typing on a dang phone, but I think you may be right. Depending on the flavor (if you will) of the depression, this person may only be seen as someone with "situational" issues; and those don't qualify as mental illness. A good example of this would be someone grieving over the loss of a child: a person would suffer a wide range of emotions for potentially years, but they would not be considered mentally ill - just processing emotions for the events on their life.

 

A better analogy for mental illness is diabetes: can it consume your life? Yes. Can it be draining upon and make the lives of everyone around you miserable? Yes. If you make no effort at self care

Or deliberately sabotage your treatment plan, can it kill you? Yes. Would some people rather die rather than put up with the meds, the life style changes, the STIGMA of having a chronic (although incredibly prevalent) illness? You bet.

 

Want to know why? Because it sucks. It is genetic and there is nothing a person can do to change the situation except hope someone will love them for who they are.

 

I've been in social sevices for 20 years and with the drug resistant (as in, the doctors have tried almost everything out there, and these folks are STILL fighting every day for *some* sense of stability) for 5 years. I know it isn't an easy road for friends and caregivers. But ultimately, no one is forcing anyone to give / offer more than they have to give.

 

But I won't do BPD either: no personality disorders, in fact. That falls into psychology, and my interest is psychopharmacology.

 

 

A

[Rosie_0801]

T'smom, if you really want to understand what I was saying, try re-reading my post after you've had some sleep.

 

Hope that baby of yours nods off soon. It doesn't matter how cute they are, the time comes when you need them to go to bed!

 

Rosie

[MorganClassicalPrep]

What a beautiful story, thanks for sharing.

 

Thank you for sharing. I wish you continued health and happiness! Good luck on the kidney compatibility.

 

Thank you both. It is a beautiful story to me, but of course, it's mine, so I'm bound to think so! :D My best friend and I have been through so much together. I pray everyday that I will be a match, and if not, one will be found (and soon!)

 

But really' date=' shouldn't we all take a long, hard, look at ourselves? Don't we all have issues that make being friends with us difficult? Don't we hope that people look past that and become friends anyway? If we didn't friend people with problems......we wouldn't have any friends.

 

I still think that this is very, very sad. And I'm sticking with the fact that there are AWESOME people who suffer from mental illnesses. And our lives are better, if we allow them to enrich it. [/quote']

 

Well, I definitely agree that there are awesome, amazing, wonderful people living with mental illness. And for those people who can deal with it, I agree that at many times, lives will be enriched. However, in order to get to the enriching part, there is a lot to deal with that would be in the decidedly non-enriching camp. I know that I've made many people cry, and that is not something I'm proud of.

I think.... that there are just certain people that are *meant* to be in our lives, and (God, the universe, whatever) will make sure they are there. Those are the friends that will stick together through it all. But, there are also people (wonderful people, I'm sure!) that are just not meant to be my friend. Whether it is my issues, their issues, or just non-compatibility, so be it.

 

But I do think that someone who starts out by saying they will not be friends with someone based only on having a dx of mental illness and is not even willing to *try* is missing out.

[dm379]

Yikes...I don't think it's a good idea to start picking at specific disorders… there may be moms here who have dealt with BPD in their own lives and don't need the kick in the teeth eh?

 

Just a thought, as you never know who may be reading your words.

 

 

Thank you!!!

 

All right, I'll admit. I have a serious mental illness. If it weren't for my friends, I would not be alive today. I'm probably the only atheist ever to thank God every day for the wonderful people in my life and they don't hold it against me because I can't always control the side effects of having losers for parents.

[Haiku]

I don't know. One of my very best friends in the entire universe, whom I have loved for "hundreds of thousands of years," (lyrics from a Belly song that we always listened to when we were younger), is bipolar. I love him more than words could ever express, but he completely exhausts and depletes me sometimes. He is not medicated. There are only so many middle-of-the-night-crying-hysterically phone calls one can take, you know?

 

So if I met someone new, and knew going into it that this person were mentally ill, I'd have to think long and hard about becoming friends.

 

Tara

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied. I truly appreciate your honesty in answering such a difficult question.

 

I should have clarified that the depression I was thinking of is not situational but chronic.

[UnsinkableKristen]

There are only so many middle-of-the-night-crying-hysterically phone calls one can take, you know?

 

So if I met someone new, and knew going into it that this person were mentally ill, I'd have to think long and hard about becoming friends.

 

Tara

 

 

:iagree: This.

 

It's not that you are rejecting some one you know and love who finds themselves in a chronically depressed state, or other mental illness, but if you came across some one NEW and were wondering if you should deepen an acquaintance relationship into a friendship I would think that you would weigh this factor just like you would weigh any other quality about them (if you had a lot in common, if you really enjoyed their company, if they made you laugh a lot, if they were kind to your children, etc...).

[Night Elf]

Yes, definitely. As a matter of fact I am a little hurt for the people reading this who have depression and neuroses... now they get to wonder whether you are debating whether they would make a good friend. :001_huh:

:auto:(ducking and running because I realize what I wrote was not very kind. I am just sensitive that way.)

 

Well, to be honest, I am one of those people. But then again, I don't have any friends IRL. So... Maybe I should add my dx labels on my sig line? :001_huh:

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Is it the idea that the person would be too needy or disrupt your lives that gives you (general you) pause?

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Well, to be honest, I am one of those people. But then again, I don't have any friends IRL. So... Maybe I should add my dx labels on my sig line? :001_huh:

:grouphug:

You come over here and visit me and I'll be your friend.

[UnsinkableKristen]

I guess I'm not sure why it is particularly offensive to have part of your person weighed by other people when they are thinking about friendship with you.

 

I am quite sure that people have probably decided not to be my friend for a variety of reasons. Maybe they don't think I'm that funny, maybe they don't agree with my life choices, maybe I talk too much and that exhausts them, maybe I'm just a little too weird for them. You can't be friends with every one and some people you "click" with and some people you just don't.

 

For instance, if you have had a lifetime of dealing with a family member who was chronically depressed, it would make sense to me that you might not want to make friends with tons of people that were also chronically depressed. It's not saying they aren't worthy of friendship or they aren't worth the "trouble", but that you have a lot of that particular issue in your life already and would rather not have any more. I think that is reasonable.

 

And for goodness sakes, you aren't walking up to someone and saying "I'm sorry, you are depressed/OCD/bipolar so I can't be your friend." You just aren't pursuing a further relationship from the onset.

 

We could ask this same question over virtually any other trait a person has.

[elise1mds]

If I didn't have friends with depression and/or other issues, I wouldn't have friends! My friends and I *all* have these issues. It's how we've bonded. We all understand what the deep, dark hole is like, and we make darn sure that if someone is headed down it that we're all there to pull her back out. We all watch over each other's kids, too.

 

My MIL has borderline personality disorder, and while our relationship is sometimes difficult, I would never walk away. She's not a "project;" she's family. She knows she has problems and is going through an outpatient program to get more help currently. Sometimes she gets to me, but I can always either A) call her on it or B) make DH deal with her :tongue_smilie: She will occasionally raise heck about things, but I usually just shrug and move on. She eventually follows. Now, if she was refusing to acknowledge her issues and refusing to get help, that would be a different kettle of fish. But she knows the problems are there and tries not to be a burden. I see this as a positive.

 

Seriously, though, if I couldn't handle mental illness, I couldn't even raise my kids. I've got one with an autism spectrum disorder and one with a mood disorder. Psychological problems are part of my life. There are a lot of people who can't handle it, but I don't have much of a choice, now do I? I'm playing the cards I've been dealt, and while it's tough and completely draining sometimes, it's my life.

 

Interesting question.

[Parrothead]

I've done that twice and found both times that the relationship is very time consuming and very hard on the body both physically and emotionally.

 

The first time we moved away from the person and it was like a weight lifted. The second time the lady found someone else to be friends with and the relationship just kind of fizzled. By this time I was realizing that the relationship was heading down the same road as the first and was trying to extricate myself kindly.

 

Apparently I'm gullible because I can't tell who has issues from who does not have issues right away.

 

Now, for depression specifically - I have another friend who suffers from chronic depression. She is the most wonderful person. Even though she has depression it is more of a quirkiness. Not an unstable personality like the other two I mentioned.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

If I am correct in interpreting the responses...

it's not so much depression, 'quirks' and such that concerns everyone but the personality (Axis II) disorders??

[zaichiki]

:iagree: This.

 

It's not that you are rejecting some one you know and love who finds themselves in a chronically depressed state, or other mental illness, but if you came across some one NEW and were wondering if you should deepen an acquaintance relationship into a friendship I would think that you would weigh this factor just like you would weigh any other quality about them (if you had a lot in common, if you really enjoyed their company, if they made you laugh a lot, if they were kind to your children, etc...).

 

Nicely worded.

[Mergath]

This. Having had dealings with suicidally depressed persons and BPD give me the blues as a part of the personality rather than BPD. They are impossible.

 

I have borderline personality disorder. Thanks a lot, everyone. Seems I need a ten foot pole tag on my sig, then? :glare:

[elegantlion]

Well, to be honest, I am one of those people. But then again, I don't have any friends IRL. So... Maybe I should add my dx labels on my sig line? :001_huh:

 

:grouphug:

You come over here and visit me and I'll be your friend.

 

:iagree: Night Elf, I've often thought you'd be a wonderful person to sit down and chat with and get to know better. Hope that doesn't sound stalkerish.

[zaichiki]

I have borderline personality disorder. Thanks a lot, everyone. Seems I need a ten foot pole tag on my sig, then? :glare:

 

I'm sorry. No one is condemning YOU. Those of us who have had traumatic experiences are just being honest about how hard it was and whether or not we would consciously choose to do it again.

[UnsinkableKristen]

I have borderline personality disorder. Thanks a lot, everyone. Seems I need a ten foot pole tag on my sig, then? :glare:

 

 

I'm sorry you feel that way. :grouphug:

[elegantlion]

I have borderline personality disorder. Thanks a lot, everyone. Seems I need a ten foot pole tag on my sig, then? :glare:

 

:grouphug: Nope, you don't need a tag. :glare::grouphug:

[Mergath]

I'm sorry. No one is condemning YOU. Those of us who have had traumatic experiences are just being honest about how hard it was and whether or not we would consciously choose to do it again.

 

Believe it or not, some of us do get a handle on things and become functional, normal people.

 

Also, I've read in several places that BPD is quite likely the result of childhood abuse. I'm inclined to agree. So if you want to talk about traumatic experiences...

[zaichiki]

Believe it or not, some of us do get a handle on things and become functional, normal people.

 

That's WONDERFUL. I wish it were true for everyone... sigh.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

nm

[Granny_Weatherwax]

That's WONDERFUL. I wish it were true for everyone... sigh.

:grouphug: I am sorry for your pain.

[dm379]

 

And, since Mergath has shared her heart...I am BPD also. I have to admit I was quite stunned when the first response regarding BPD went up; it's almost like someone knew what I was trying to ask without really asking it. And now I am wondering how many people are going to choose to ignore me here at TWTM.:confused:

 

 

Same here although I don't much care if anybody ignores me. :D I hate, hate, hate the stereotypes involved with BPD. Not all are impossible to deal with.

[elegantlion]

 

Where's the cheerleader smilie?

 

And, since Mergath has shared her heart...I am BPD also. I have to admit I was quite stunned when the first response regarding BPD went up; it's almost like someone knew what I was trying to ask without really asking it. And now I am wondering how many people are going to choose to ignore me here at TWTM.:confused:

 

:iagree: More hugs :grouphug:

[zaichiki]

:grouphug: I am sorry for your pain.

 

Ach. We all have pain. :001_smile:

[Granny_Weatherwax]

nm

[Ester Maria]

With boundaries well-adjusted to each particular situation, there is no reason why I would not have "in my life" (that is, outside of a professional realm and outside of a realm of mere acquaintances whom you salute down the street) a person with a mental illness. Now, those boundaries might be set closer and farther, or might even be fairly flexible, depending on a particular case - but it would be important for me to have them. Theoretically.

 

However, it is not nearly the same thing if somebody who already is a part of my private life discovers or develops a mental illness or if I enter a new would-be friendship with somebody whom I first meet as such. In the first case, there is a bond and baggage of years of a solid relationship, the duty not to abandon the friend. In the second case you are admitting a new person to your life while already knowing that they are potentially unstable, potentially not accountable, potentially not reliable... A hard thing, because I like to base my serious friendships (as opposed to acquaintances) on assumed stability, realiability, accountability (which grows with years, of course, but there is an assumption of all of that). An acquaintance is somebody I will chatter with when I seem them down the street or go for coffee now and then - but friends, friends are the kind of people whom you may call in the middle of the night and say "please take care of my children for the next three days, I have to leave urgently". Friends are the kind of people whom you may ask serious favors from, to whom you may handle serious responsibilities - and while in some life periods some friends might not be the first choice, on the long run, people I consider friends have to be trusthworthy. I am not sure that a person with a serious mental illness would be my choice for a new would-be close friend exactly for that reason. Many times, I would prefer to just stick to being good acquaintances, rather than admitting unstable people to my personal life, to prolonged stays in my home and among my children, etc. - especially if we are talking about serious mental illnesses, which are accompanied by paranoia, emotional instability, self-harm, identity disturbances, being emotionally draining, people whose personality "shifts" when they are not on meds, let alone people entering psychotic episodes etc. I am NOT talking here about people going through a rough period in life or having tendencies to be a bit down (not a problem at all when it comes to friendships), but about real tangible illnesses. Many of which, furthermore, cannot really be "cured" - "tamed", maybe, but often not "cured". I would be very cautious and set firm boundaries, on a case by case basis.

 

Like it or not, friendship comes down to a sort of game of interests: I am willing to give X in exchange for Y. Of course that nobody is interested in "counting" things or making sure we are "even", but for the most part, I am willing to give what I can roughly count with when it comes to getting. From the few experiences I did have with mentally ill people in my private life, I find that the dynamics of dealing with them just does not correspond to that - you get severely exhausted, but without "reciprocity", because the person just has far more important priorities in their life, such as getting through the day. Things which are a non-issue for you are huge for them and it often gets so draining. The dynamics of those relationships was just so "wrong" for me to enjoy it and not see it, at least partially, as a sort of chore of "saving" them from time to time.

 

Here is the catch: I am not a "people-savior". At all. I do not have that type of personality - I applaud people who do and who make real differences in life because of it, but that is just not me. I like my life simple, I like my relationships simple. I do not like responsibility for other people, nor being drawn into situations where I do feel somewhat responsible for something which is so bigger than me and my capacities to deal with. And in my private life, I particularly like a certain order of things, "normalcy" shall we call it. I deal with "dis-order" (in an ample sense) in my very private life when it appears, but maybe... just maybe... I should not be judged too harshly if I am not too enthuasiastic about outright bringing it into my life.

 

Maybe I have just had experiences with cases that are too complex, too burdening on other people, causing too much anxiety, and possibly in many other cases I would reason differently.

 

Or, maybe, I am just not a person "good enough", for preferring to stay away, if I can, from things I do not understand or which burden me and interfere with the normal flow of my normal life, or which bring a sort of "negative energy", emotional draining into my life. I am sorry. I am not perfect, I do not pretend to be - I have some very obvious limitations when it comes to many things. Consider it a personal shortcoming, one of those we all have.

And in those few instances I have judged that it was bad for me to be in such relationships. I would sacrifice some of my health, some of my sleep and some of my nerves for people I know for a long, long time and now they got into something so overwhelming - but admitting new people with such issues into the private sphere of my life... I will not lie - I would be cautious and, depending on the gravity of the issue, draw some very firm boundaries as to how far into my life I allow them to enter.

 

And finally, as many people have gently and not so gently pointed to me before when we talked about these and other issues - I am a spoiled brat with a "perfect life" in which, barring occasional circumstantial problems that we all have, everything goes smoothly. I am grateful for it every day, but there is so much I just. cannot. understand in this world. I have got peaceful with that fact and learned not to ask for things which I cannot seem to handle well.

 

Ultimately, asking this question is no different than asking whether I would be close friends with people who have drastically different lifestyle choices than me, for example. Theoretically, maybe, in some cases, yes - but practically, some people and some experiences are just so far away from each other that staying at a polite distance is sometimes a very good choice.

 

I apologize for my brutal honesty if it hurts somebody.

My answer is not a firm "no", but, rather, admitting that there would be some caution and some boundaries as to how far they can enter into my life, and in some cases, that it would be a "no" when it comes to entering my private life. But then again, the same caution and bounadries would be in place with many other types of people, who might not be ill, but lead drastically different lifestyles or have a very different culture.

Being polite acquaintaces is always an option. A friendly coffee and being on tu and on a first name basis is always an option, provided a sort of "click" between us. But nobody has an automatic "right" to be admitted into my very personal, private life and there will always be an amount of "calculating", conscious or not, when it comes to that.

[Haiku]

I will add that my dd16 has depression. She is on medication and doing much better than she was before, but it is still a struggle for her. Things that would be minor irritants to others tend to send her into a downward spiral that is hard to climb out of. Everyone in our family lives with the fall-out of her depression every day, and we often feel that we have to walk on egg-shells around her to avoid sending her into one of her moods.

 

It's exhausting.

 

Clearly I don't believe that people with mental illness are "less than" or unworthy of friendship. But since I am already dealing with two people I love who have mental illness ... well, there's only so much of me to go around, right?

 

I certainly wouldn't want someone to feel shunned or rejected because I didn't have the emotional wherewithal to include them in my life. It's a fine line between wanting to be a friend and feeling the need to self-protect. When we were in the throes of serious post-adoption struggles with dd, several friends distanced themselves from me. It was hard and it hurt, but I tried to understand that it was less about me and more about what they felt they could give/what they felt they needed for themselves. I have more perspective on it now that it's further in the past.

 

Tara

[laughing lioness]

I am a little surpirse at the way the question was posed. My question to the OP is how do you define mental illness?

 

Everyone has personality traits, but that does not make them mentally ill. Mental illness would generally be thought at as having a personality disorder. For instance, I am a melancholy person. This does not define me as clinically depressed.

 

For me the question is, "do I have what it takes to be a friend to this person?" Some people, no. My mom had an untreated PD and as a result, certain personalities really cause me to ping. It doesn't go well for me, I end up stressing my family, my kids, etc. As a result, I am careful when I encounter people with specific traits or PD characteristics that I know will cause ME to react negatively.

[Garga]

Honestly, for me, the friendship probably wouldn't take off the ground in my case. If the friendship was all one sided, I think that it would just stagnate.

 

And I'm very pollyanna-ish, so I wouldn't be able to relate to someone with depression or anxiety issues, and they wouldn't be able to relate to me.

 

I wouldn't purposely ignore them or distance myself from them...but it would probably happen naturally. In fact, I do have a friend with semi-serious depression, and it's hard to keep the ball rolling, though we do try since we've known each other for 31 years.

[AvasMom]

Is it the idea that the person would be too needy or disrupt your lives that gives you (general you) pause?

 

No, not for me. I just know myself and I know how personally I take the side effects of mental illness. I don't have the thick skin for it. Oh and my bio dad is a sociopath and my stepsister had borderline so that's probably a factor. I've dealt with enough of other people's illness to last me a lifetime. I feel like I've put my time in and I'd like to lead a fairly peaceful life at this phase. Does that make me a bad person?

[UnsinkableKristen]

Does that make me a bad person?

 

Nope, not at all. :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I hate questions like this. For one thing, there isn't enough information. Is the person being treated medically? Is the illness under control? What is the person's character as apart from the illness? We don't know the answers to these so people tend to fill in those answers based on people they know in real life.

 

But as we've seen, that's a trap because people reading this are going to assume that we're actually basing it on people exactly like them. And then we find out that the OP herself has a specific illness and we're judged on our answer to what we were told over and over was a general question but wasn't.

 

I think it's safe to say that most people will not drop a friendship specifically because of a diagnosis. They will drop a friendship when boundaries are ignored or when they have issues in their own life that make it difficult to be a friend.

[Paige]

Same here although I don't much care if anybody ignores me. :D I hate, hate, hate the stereotypes involved with BPD. Not all are impossible to deal with.

 

I apologize as I was one who said that I would not willingly bring someone with borderline personality disorder into my life. I do think my opinion was mostly based on stereotypes as I am basing it on what I learned about it in my psychology classes. I am sure we only read about the worst cases and I was only thinking of people who were not pursuing help or in recovery. I would not automatically write off someone who had struggled with borderline personality in the past who was working towards becoming healthy. :grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

yes, I would. Absolutely. And she'd share the same boundaries as my other friends. I've had too many people suck the life out of me. Never again!

 

Everyone deserves a kind hearted, understanding friend. That said, at this time in my life, I'm all about RECIPROCAL relationships only. If ANYONE can't reciprocate, mentally ill or not, I just can't support that friendship.

[Denisemomof4]

Same here although I don't much care if anybody ignores me. :D I hate, hate, hate the stereotypes involved with BPD. Not all are impossible to deal with.

 

Dawn, my sister has BPD and she IS impossible to deal with. I just can't have her in my life. But this is not because she has BPD, it's because she's extremely jealous and controlling. She's been that way all her life and my parents made her worse by allowing her to manipulate them. She's done this since she was a toddler. They ALWAYS gave in to her. This made her a very difficult person, but BPD made her own life hard to manage for her. She didnt' struggle with BPD until after becoming a mom. Maybe it started as PPD but now it's BPD. I feel bad that she's lost friends because they didn't understand her, and I'm thankful she has at least one very close friend who does. I just can't allow her to treat me badly so I choose to let the relationship go.

 

She didn't have BPD as a child, she just was difficult and controlling. THAT is what caused the breakdown in our relationship. Ineffective parenting made her worse.

[ocelotmom]

Believe it or not, some of us do get a handle on things and become functional, normal people.

 

Also, I've read in several places that BPD is quite likely the result of childhood abuse. I'm inclined to agree. So if you want to talk about traumatic experiences...

 

One thing that's jumping out at me here...

 

I think that most people would have a different reaction to a casual acquaintance with a blatant mental illness (whether because of behavior or because they go around telling people about it (disregarding conversations like this, where it's relevant to the topic)) than they would to someone who is already a good friend.

 

Not trying to say people should have to hide it, but I think if someone is going around with big glaring BPD symptoms (or being blatantly suicidal, or with visible, fresh, self injuries) then they probably aren't one of the people who has a good handle on it, and talking about it with people who they aren't particularly close with and have no reason to trust demonstrates a lack of awareness of interpersonal boundaries.

 

I'm sorry this thread is getting bad for people with mental illness. I know how isolating it is to feel like the only one in the room who has personally experienced what everyone else is acting all horrified and non-understanding about. I hope that my post didn't contribute. My own boundaries come from my own foibles, not any judgement on the people involved - I know from experience that I *need* those boundaries to maintain my own mental health. I probably won't ever work in a psych facility for the same reason, though I kind of enjoyed that rotation in school.

 

(BTW, I'd be willing to bet that my mentor when I was a teen had under-control BPD, and I adore her to the ends of the earth. Not from any of her behavior at the time, but based on her description of her past experiences and behavior.)

[justamouse]

I normally make friends with people and find that stuff out later and no, it's not a deal breaker for me.

[DianeW88]

Sure. As long as the illness wasn't sucking me down into a black hole as well. Sometimes that happens, and my family is my first priority, so that does figure into things.

 

Except for narcissisim. Those people are just too annoying to be around. And I know this from experience. :glare: College roomie.

[Denisemomof4]

Yikes...I don't think it's a good idea to start picking at specific disorders… there may be moms here who have dealt with BPD in their own lives and don't need the kick in the teeth eh?

 

Just a thought, as you never know who may be reading your words.

 

not to mention the several regular posters here who are loved, admired, and appreciated. Those posters who have shared their struggles, those posters who HAVE BPD; some who have SEVERAL IRL and online friends. They must make a great friend.

 

BPD is difficult, yes. But so are people with quirks and no diagnosis.

 

Look, EVERYONE struggles with something but not everyone is honest about their struggles. EVERYONE has quirks. Those of us who think we are very easy friends, kind, loving, etc. probably don't realize our little nuances that can grate at other people's nerves.

 

Nobody is perfect, period. There are some people I know have no mental illness but make HORRIBLE friends. I've been very close to a few of them.

 

I feel bad for the stigma mental illness carries. It's been going on for generations.

[AvasMom]

I hate questions like this. For one thing, there isn't enough information. Is the person being treated medically? Is the illness under control? What is the person's character as apart from the illness? We don't know the answers to these so people tend to fill in those answers based on people they know in real life.

 

But as we've seen, that's a trap because people reading this are going to assume that we're actually basing it on people exactly like them. And then we find out that the OP herself has a specific illness and we're judged on our answer to what we were told over and over was a general question but wasn't.

 

I think it's safe to say that most people will not drop a friendship specifically because of a diagnosis. They will drop a friendship when boundaries are ignored or when they have issues in their own life that make it difficult to be a friend.

 

:iagree:

[Denisemomof4]

I'd chose mental illness over the backstabbing, gossipy, and judgmental women I've been friends with before. ;)

 

 

 

EXCELLENT POINT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I'm going to stop reading this for now. THIS is what I want to remember as I walk away (for now) from this thread.

 

My heart is sad for those on this board with BPD who will be hurt by some of the posts here.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

nm

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I am a little surpirse at the way the question was posed. My question to the OP is how do you define mental illness?

I was thinking more along the lines of those set forth in the DSM, excluding psychoses.

 

Everyone has personality traits, but that does not make them mentally ill. Mental illness would generally be thought at as having a personality disorder. For instance, I am a melancholy person. This does not define me as clinically depressed. I agree, melancholy does not equal depression.

 

For me the question is, "do I have what it takes to be a friend to this person?" Some people, no. My mom had an untreated PD and as a result, certain personalities really cause me to ping. It doesn't go well for me, I end up stressing my family, my kids, etc. As a result, I am careful when I encounter people with specific traits or PD characteristics that I know will cause ME to react negatively.

Thanks for responding.

[Mejane]

Slightly neurotic and depressed sounds like many of the people already in my life, so I'd say yes.

[asta]

Speaking of the DSM...

 

Axis I disorders (bipolar, schizophrenia, et al) are considered biological, while Axis II disorders (BPD, narcissism, multiple personality disorder, etc) are considered the result of environmental factors. Eg: A "fractured personality". Which is why a BPD can heal with therapy, but a bipolar (bpad) can only ever mask / control symptoms with medication and lifestyle stuff.

 

A