JennifersLost Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I used to have a rule for my three sons that they could date girls their age or one year ahead of them. I did this because when they were in 2nd, 4th and 6th grade, respectively, a little girl came along and played them all against each other, "marrying" first one, then the next, then the next. For about a week they were all furious with each other. When I found out what had happened, I had a good laugh, then set the ground rules. Then they didn't date at all for years and years, of course. Now, suddenly, my 14 yo ds has grabbed the girl my 16 yo ds "liked." 16 yo ds wasn't currently dating her. They had been "kind of dating" and then the girl decided they "weren't dating" and then the 14 yo ds made his move. I guess it's time to re-instate the rule. What does everyone else do? And what is it with these girls who like to play the brothers off against each other. I didn't know all this was happening (again!) because the three of them (my two sons and this girl) have been hanging out TOGETHER for the last week or so. She's totally playing them. And driving me nuts. WWYD? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sophia Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Honestly? I'd tell my boys they are crazy to waste time on a girl that would play brothers against each other. It's a Jerry Springer show waiting to happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I would tell them they are both too young! They need to figure out their brotherly relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Brothers are forever. I wouldn't make any girl/age rules. I would talk to them about loyalty and support for one another. Now the girl, I'd be tempted to talk to, iykwim... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coffeegal Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Honestly?I'd tell my boys they are crazy to waste time on a girl that would play brothers against each other. It's a Jerry Springer show waiting to happen. Brothers are forever. I wouldn't make any girl/age rules. I would talk to them about loyalty and support for one another. Now the girl, I'd be tempted to talk to, iykwim... :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sevilla Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Brothers are forever. I wouldn't make any girl/age rules. I would talk to them about loyalty and support for one another. Now the girl, I'd be tempted to talk to, iykwim... ITA. If I were to set an age rule, it would be a 2 (possibly 3 depending on the situation) age gap rule, certainly not just 1 year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lolly Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I don't think I'd put an age rule in. I think I would put a you can't date someone your brother has dated, sort of dated, or you knew he was interested in. Don't guys have some kind of a rule about first calls/dibs on a girl? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Honestly?I'd tell my boys they are crazy to waste time on a girl that would play brothers against each other. It's a Jerry Springer show waiting to happen. :iagree::iagree::D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3lilreds in NC Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I agree with a rule about brothers not dating the same girl. Time for a talk about the importance of family loyalty and why a girl who would behave like she has is a waste of their time. I'm sure she finds all the attention flattering, but I can't believe she cares that much about either of them if she would risk driving a wedge between them like this. Seriously, it could permanently damage their relationship. This is another reason on my list why my children will never be allowed out of the house. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Brothers are forever. I wouldn't make any girl/age rules. I would talk to them about loyalty and support for one another. Now the girl, I'd be tempted to talk to, iykwim... This. No girl is worth coming between brothers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabeth in IL Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 No girl is worth coming between brothers. I'm not sure that I can totally agree with this as my father is the younger brother and my mother is the girl that his older brother liked. My mother never was interested in my Uncle though and they were 20ish when this all happened. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MelanieM Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I don't think I'd set age rules; it's arbitrary and might not always make sense. Plus, when the reasoning behind it is managing the kids' relationships for them... well, I'm not sure that you want to be doing that, or that it will teach them anything in the long run. You might just find yourself needing to create all sorts of rules to try and stay a step ahead of them! Maybe it's time to sit the boys down and help mediate while they talk it out. (Probably a good job for Dad or another male role model.) Was older brother really dating this girl, and did everyone else see it the same way? Why would younger brother think it's ok to move in on a girl older brother is obviously interested in? What do they think of this girl's behaviour? Did she really play them or do something unkind, or did they each skew things in a way that served their interests? If she did play them, what do they think that says about her character? What types of rules would *they* like to see regarding their involvement with girls in future? All this from someone who has no experience with her own kids or with same gender siblings, so take it for what it's worth to you. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Brothers are forever. I wouldn't make any girl/age rules. I would talk to them about loyalty and support for one another. That is exactly what I would do. :iagree: I asked my dh about this years ago, because he had 3 brothers. He said, "I think my brothers all respect each other enough that they would know better than to pursue a girl the other has interest in." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
May Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 What's the point of dating at that age? Oldest dd wasn't allowed to date until she graduated from highschool and youngest has the same rule. Dh and I felt they have plenty of time for dating when they were more emotionally ready. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 WWYD? Were it me, I'd stay out of it. Maybe remind them that high school relationships are temporary and brothers are forever, but other than that I'd stay out of it. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I dated at 14 and I wish I hadn't. I wish my parents would have told me I couldn't. Really, talk about a waste of time for a 14 year old. :iagree: I had one serious high school boyfriend. He was a nice guy and we are still friends, but really ... so much time and heartache wasted for nothing. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blondeviolin Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Well, I'll say my opinion would not be to limit who they can date by age...only because my husband dated my sister first. I would sit down and talk with them about sensitivity for each others' feelings. If you need to limit something, maybe let it be the amount of time from when things fell apart to when the other can start dating the same girl. But I might not even do that. But, the rule in our house will be no dating until at least 16 anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 both boys and girls can be confused at this age and have mixed emotions. I would not necessarily say that a girl is "playing" boys because she is of two minds about what she wants. She's young and maybe doesn't know what she wants and how to navigate through romantic territory. This is one reason I would simply tell a 14 year old that we don't really have boy friends and girl friends at this age and don't "date." They will still interact with girls and probably decide that they like certain girls and I am not one to try to control all of that too closely. But I would never give a 14 year old rules about who he can date. You aren't dating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Sage Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 My boys are very close in age as well, and we have not faced this issue yet of course since they are only 13 and 11...however, they have also been informed that there is no point in dating at that very young age. As they are with us most of the time and when they are not with us they are with big groups of kids there is not any "dating" concern at all for me. We have the courtship approach in our home anyway. And that won't start going into effect until 16 at the youngest....that is, there is no "dating". There is no time alone with girlfriends etc. They are welcome to invite a girl to our home for a meal or we will be glad to take them out to a restaurant/movie etc as long as we are there at all times. At that age, with those hormones, it is my opinion (based on experience mind you) that there is nothing constructive that comes from boys and girls being allowed to be alone together and there is only a lot of heartbreak and the opportunity for a LOT of nonconstructive interactions that they are way too young to deal with the consequences of. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeatherInWI Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 1. They're too young to be dating, imho. 2. You might point out to big brother that a girl he "thought he was dating" who'd then start seeing his younger brother really isn't all that interested in him and he should stop wasting any thought on her. Then, if she really likes younger brother, things are fine, and if she's just playing them, the fun will stop for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 IDK, I might force them to sit and watch all three of the Twilight movies together, the brothers not the girl. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 We had a similar scenario with my oldest two boys... The older brother had crushed on this girl for well over a year. (they don't "date", but are around each other's families) Older brother had just got the nerve to tell the girl that he liked her and they became "boyfriend/girlfriend". It lasted a couple of days... lol... BUT the day that the girl said she wasn't interested, she started calling younger brother and they decided to be "boyfriend/girlfriend". I caught on quickly. DH took older brother, who was hurt, into the yard with boxing gloves and they went at it with each other for some time (dh and son... I even sneaked a couple photos of it... lol). It released steam. We all let younger brother know that it was "SO not cool" (teen talk around here) what happened. Within a couple of days girl and younger brother weren't an "item". Brothers learned that girls like that are a dime a dozen. We are teaching them to stick to friendships and that it's just fine to "crush" on a girl... but, to continue developing relationships as peers... there is a lot to learn about relationships over the years (don't we all know!). Their focus is school, good grades... and admiring the girls... lol. And we try to teach all of them what qualities to look for in another person... It's all about learning and growing and helping them not make the "bigger" mistakes at a younger age. (So, they don't go out alone on "dates" until close to 18... but, they have lots of opportunities for relationships along the way...) Just wanted to share... I still laugh at son and dh boxing in the front yard! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Delighted3 Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Isn't there some code of honor about that amongst close friends and brothers :lol: Seriously, though, I would have the boys sit down and agree on some ground rules about girls. ex. Hands off a girl your brother is interested in. You can't date a girl until x amount of time after another brother has broken up with her. It will pave the way for the future when they all are old enough to be interested in girls and they will be able to trust each other and not allow girls to come between them. JMO, Joy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom in High Heels Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Fourteen is way to young to be "dating." Period. I can see allowing the 16 y/o to date (on a casual basis), but not the 14 y/o. I think you need to set rules for WHEN your boys are allowed to date, not who. As for the whole dating a girl your brother dated thing, well...my mom dated my uncle before she dated my dad, so I can't say that didn't work out well for me. :001_smile: To be fair though, my mom didn't know they were brothers as she and my uncle dated when she was 18 and my dad was away in Japan (my dad is younger, but was in the Navy, so not living at home). She met my dad when he was home on leave (she was waiting tables at a local diner) and he asked her out. It had been about 8 months since she and my uncle dated. My dad picked her up in my uncle's car (the one my mom helped my uncle pick out!) and that's when she found out. Six days later my parents were engaged. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Uh, the saying isn't actually appropriate here... "Bro's before ____". It's offensive, I agree, but it is currently a popular saying among teen boys. They need to learn the "Bro Code" and put thier brothers (and good friends) before girlfriends that won't last anyway. I agree with the whole "a girl that does this is not worth it anyway" thing..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piraterose Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I may be bias because I wouldn't be here... but the great story in my family is that my maternal grandma dated my great uncle before she dated and married my grandfather. They were married for almost 60 years before my grandma passed away, and my grandfather a few years after her. No family drama from what I understand, but they in their early 20's. I would talk to the boys about being respectful of each other's feelings and leave it at that - sometimes fate has a way of working in weird ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KristinaBreece Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 IDK, I might force them to sit and watch all three of the Twilight movies together, the brothers not the girl. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sputterduck Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 What if a girl meets one brother first and he likes her a lot, but she is really far more compatible with another? Is it just bad luck and too bad that she didn't meet the proper brother first that could lead into a wonderful relationship? That's seems unfair to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SEP Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Brothers are forever. I wouldn't make any girl/age rules. I would talk to them about loyalty and support for one another. Now the girl, I'd be tempted to talk to, iykwim... :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mary in VA Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 What if a girl meets one brother first and he likes her a lot, but she is really far more compatible with another? Is it just bad luck and too bad that she didn't meet the proper brother first that could lead into a wonderful relationship? That's seems unfair to me. This makes sense with adults, and if there were not hard feeling from the first brother. But in op's case they are teens, and the odds are VERY GREAT that this not a relationship that is leading to marriage. So damaging a permanent relationship between brothers to pursue a fleeting teenage relationship is certainly not worth it. Mary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snipsnsnailsx5 Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I dated at 14 and I wish I hadn't. I wish my parents would have told me I couldn't. Really, talk about a waste of time for a 14 year old. That is probably not what you wanted to hear. ;) :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennifersLost Posted March 26, 2011 Author Share Posted March 26, 2011 I definitely hear what some of you are saying about age. In my experience with the boys they date infrequently and it's not very serious/doesn't last long. I feel like forbidding it would increase it's interest for them. I think having dh talk with both of them is a good idea, though. And I also think finding full time jobs for both of the boys is a really good idea. :) I think having the boys sort out dating rules is a really good idea, too. Next year the two boys will be in different schools, which should help define their "space" better. The girl in question is the same age and in the same class as the younger son, so it I'm actually a little relieved the older son isn't dating her - that seems like a recipe for trouble. This is a very good time for us to reassert all our rules around the subject, though. All the stories of parents dating one sibling and marrying the other are interesting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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