WWYD- sending teen to school when not feeling well

[Peela]

OK, I know this is a homeschooling board but it is probably because we have homeschooled that I am feeling so torn about this.

Ds15 is at school for the first time. Mostly loving it.

This last weekend he went on a camp- 3 days- where he stayed up very late, drank energy drinks, had to get up early, ate badly (not his fault though- the food is terrible at these camps) and he has come back feeling really, really awful (nauseous, achey all over, exhausted). However- it is a pattern of his to go on camps and do this- hardly any sleep- and get sick, and when we were homeschooling, I would make him do school but he would hardly get anything done he was so wasted. Often he would fall asleep on the couch. He did often get sick too.

He got a good night's sleep but last night I suspected he was working on me so that he could take today off- he really made a big fuss about how bad he felt- went on and on about it. It started as soon as he got up this morning again.

Dh and I suspect he is just very exhausted. Dh has insisted that ds go to school today.

My own inclination was to give him the day off, even knowing thats what he wanted, simply because I felt that forcing him to go was going to create issues for us. He just wants us to cut him some slack and my feeling is that by doing so, he would have happily gone to school tomorrow, refreshed and regenerated. I suspect we may be setting him up to be angry and resentful, as well as a power struggle about going to school.

But I went with dh's strong adamence that he go to school and not be allowed to "get away with it", as far as having the day off after a camp is concerned.

 

I am torn. I dropped him off late and he was saying he felt so bad he was not even going to school- he would wag and find somewhere to sleep. That was a threat I doubt he would act on but I have phoned the school to see if he is there- they will get back to me. I also did tell him there would be consequences for that. I think he is probably at school.

 

Such a big drama and I am on the coal face of it- dh isn't.

 

What would you have done?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have to go with your dh on this one. I think that he's old enough to know that certain choices he made (at least the no sleep and the energy drinks) have consequences but normal responsibilities to school (and eventually work) remain. I hope he goes to bed early tonight - maybe an epsom salt bath? - and feels better tomorrow.

[FO4UR]

Given my oldest is only 8yo...

 

I'd make him go, and he can go to the school nurse if he still feels sick...if he's really sick he'll be sent home. (If I thought he was contagious, I would NOT take this approach. It sounds like he's tired, not sick though.)

 

and/or

 

The natural consequence of this epidemic of too-sick-to-go-to-school-itis will be warded off by avoiding all camping trips that end the day before school. School comes first. If he can manage camping and school, great! If not, school is the priority.

[AK_Mom4]

We go through this now and again because my olders are in public high school.

 

I ALWAYS check for a temperature. Have a fever = stay home and back to bed for the day. Otherwise, I tell them usually to go on to school and call if they feel too sick to stay. I've only had one call and that was after he threw up, so I knew he was feeling bad.

[RanchGirl]

I think if it were a once a year rare thing and it wouldn't hurt him academics wise at school, I would let him stay home and coddle him a bit, knowing he doesn't have much time left at home. But, if it were 4-5 times a year or it would be very difficult to make up the work, then I would tell him to man up and send him to school.

[Murphy101]

I would absolutely make him go to school.

 

This is basic cause = effect lesson.

 

If he wants to do camp, he either needs to self moderate himself while there (no loading up on energy drinks and too much gunk, and try to not stay up as late every night while there, or at least the night before coming home. I find it hard to believe a camp didn't at least have a water alternative) or suck it up when he gets home.

 

If he was literally too puking sick for school the next day after a camp, I would put an end to the camps.

[keptwoman]

If he is exhausted and sick, then I'd let him stay home. But I'd make him stay in bed and do some homework.

[bzymom]

My 13 yr old d/d is in bed, complaining tonight that she has had a headache, sore throat, and general malaise "all day". She was FINE until about 7:30. No fever. I don't doubt she feels lousy, but she also had a long, tiring weekend by her own choice, so she will be in school tomorrow unless she is burning up.

 

I do allow for about one worn-out-beat-up-mental-health-day per school year. She used hers a month and a half ago, and tried this same bag of ailments 2 weeks ago. (I should add she is a great student, not generally a slacker!) I feel mean, but I've explained there is no "tired teenager" excuse accepted by school for absences.

 

I don't know what to tell you, since I have a hard time with it, too! My mommy side wants to let them rest and recoup, and my MOTHER side wants them to learn responsibility and consequences.

 

Hope he feels better.

[dangermom]

The natural consequence of this epidemic of too-sick-to-go-to-school-itis will be warded off by avoiding all camping trips that end the day before school. School comes first. If he can manage camping and school, great! If not, school is the priority.

 

This is what I'd do. It's amazing how a kid can perk up (or in my case, obey) when the choice is made clear.

[regentrude]

I would definitely send him to school.

A 15 y/o should be able to remember that he feels lousy after a weekend at camp. If he chooses to go, he knows what to expect.

 

My kids got to stay home from school (when they still went) for fever, vomiting and diarrhea, and for final recovery from a real illness. Anything else, I sent them. They could always go to the school nurse.

 

If camp makes your son seriously ill, then going to camp is not a good idea.

[KidsHappen]

My general rule is that if I am not sure, I send them with the assurance that they can call home if they feel too sick to stay and I will come get them. I have only had to do it a few times. Most of the time, adrenaline kicks in after they get there and it carries them through. On the other hand, if I say they are too sick to go, I am usually right. They rarely rally then.

[Peela]

OK, I guess I better keep my big mother boots on and stand by what I did. The school phoned to say he was definitely there so he was bluffing about wagging, fortunately.

 

I know he was thinking I would buckle and let him stay home. He had promised no electronics and he would work on his maths and even get ahead if he could stay.

But this IS a pattern of his- and he will often get genuinely sick after camps and it has been very annoying- but its because he runs himself into the ground, stays up all night, drinks energy drinks- then catches whatever is going around. The fact that he went on and on about feeling so bad had me suspicious- if you are really feeling bad, you just go to bed, you don't keep on about it.

 

I hope he got the message.

I really didn't want going to school to turn into a battleground, but I guess I have to deal with what is rather than what i want :) He is a kid who loves his freedom and although he enjoys school he finds it constricting and it takes up too much of his life :) He had more time for himself when he homeschooled- it kind of breaks my heart because *I* found school such a prison- but he is at school for various reasons and its not something he can do when he wants.

 

thanks, I find this hard.

[Jean in Newcastle]

thanks, I find this hard.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[justasque]

I am glad it worked out!

 

For my teens, I usually ask them how they are feeling and how they want to handle it. They get decent grades and take school seriously, and they are the ones who will have to do extra work to catch up, etc. They usually make the right call; in fact they often go when I would have had them stay home. I want them to have experience with this still while under my roof and still consulting with me about it. That said, it's what works for me and my kids - doesn't mean it's the right choice for anyone else and their kids. Sounds like you made the right call for your ds this time!

[Peela]

I am glad it worked out!

 

For my teens, I usually ask them how they are feeling and how they want to handle it. They get decent grades and take school seriously, and they are the ones who will have to do extra work to catch up, etc. They usually make the right call; in fact they often go when I would have had them stay home. I want them to have experience with this still while under my roof and still consulting with me about it. That said, it's what works for me and my kids - doesn't mean it's the right choice for anyone else and their kids. Sounds like you made the right call for your ds this time!

 

Thanks Pauline- I was hoping to do it more the way you have expressed, as that is more my inclination, but I am not yet confident that he IS a dedicated student or that he takes his grades as seriously as he could- its too soon to tell and certain signs tell me he is in a learning curve with this one- seeing how much he can get away with and still do ok. If he was a very studious student- I probably would have let him stay- but we are setting up precedents here and I suspect it was best to send him.

[Tap]

Sorry, but it is time to man up and deal with the consequences of partying all weekend. It is a bad habit to get started, thinking that he can skip classes because he had too much fun on the weekend.

 

I say, he goes to school, and then comes home and goes to bed in the afternoon. If he has homework, set an alarm and let him get up 3 hours early for school, to do it then.

 

Home school is different from traditional school, and this is just one of those times.

 

If he physically gets sick, then I would let him stay home, but camp would not happen again. If he can't be mature and control himself to make it through a few days of fun, he isn't mature enough to go.

[Deb in NZ]

We, too, had a very busy weekend. (a seascout regatta) I was dreading the regatta season as this is the first year that we are not HS/ing. As we leave early on the friday & most scouts take friday off, taking monday off to recover was NOT an option. Ds#2 was up, reluctantly, but did make the bus...just ;)

 

I look at it as training for work, as when you have a late night, you still have to get up for work the next morning.

 

Lucky for us the food at regattas is good & healthy and we have no junk food, energy drinks, etc. The tiredness is just from busy, busy days & late nights.

 

JMHO

[Peela]

We, too, had a very busy weekend. (a seascout regatta) I was dreading the regatta season as this is the first year that we are not HS/ing. As we leave early on the friday & most scouts take friday off, taking monday off to recover was NOT an option. Ds#2 was up, reluctantly, but did make the bus...just ;)

 

I look at it as training for work, as when you have a late night, you still have to get up for work the next morning.

 

Lucky for us the food at regattas is good & healthy and we have no junk food, energy drinks, etc. The tiredness is just from busy, busy days & late nights.

 

JMHO

 

I so wish the food at camps here was better. Its really bad-hot dogs and hamburgers all weekend, Up and Gos for breakfast- and my kids like their junk food but always come home complaining they feel awful and ask for a salad!

But I think the kids take their own energy drinks- I am not sure. They can buy Coke etc there though. I will check that one out- now that they are in Venturers they may even sell energy drinks there.

 

He came home....in a good space. Doesn't even look exhausted- just normal tired from school. He tried to hold on to some resentment but didn't manage for long, especially as I fed him straight away. He needs to write an essay for homework.

 

I am glad he went- it was at least 50% act and we called his bluff.

[bettyandbob]

If it were my dc and I thought he was just exhausted, he would go to school. Especially at 15, especially when he chose to enroll in school. It's a commitment he needs to keep. He needs to learn to adjust his behavioral choices based on his responsibilities. He definitely makes bad choices, like staying up too late, and definitely goes to school after such choices.

 

Now, that my dc are in school I do let them stay home way more than my own mother did. She sent us to school sick. Generally the fever had to register over 100 and we had to be vomiting before she'd have us stay home. I love my mom, but she wasn't a nurturer--dad checked on us more often when we were ill.

[Snickerdoodle]

Actions have consequences.

 

This is the time of his life where he can learn this lesson with the support and guidance of you and your husband.

[JFSinIL]

Mine all go off for high school (no longer homeschool) if they feel the need to stay in bed - I figure they are old enough to know how they feel..AND to make sure to catch-up on all the missed work. It is their choice. My son rarely stayed home - my now Jr. dd has had about three "not-really-ill" days so far this year BUT if she wants to face the double work-load of catching up....

I note that if she had a job she'd have only so many "sick" days (if any!!) a year...and might not be paid for missed work. School is her job.

 

I figure high school is old enough for them to be in charge of themselves, as preparation for "real" life.

Edited March 9, 2011 by JFSinIL

[jen3kids]

My ds (13.5) does this all the time with scout trips. It drives me nuts.

 

When he was newly into Boy Scouts (at age 11), I let him stay home after most trips, but he's in 8th grade now. They usually get home from their trips by noon (mid-afternoon at the latest) and he should eat, clean up his stuff and go to bed early, but he usually chooses not to. As a result he gets more and more surly and wound up. Eventually he gets to sleep - usually by 9pm, which is his regular bedtime but he really should have been there by 7!

 

He has had 3 years to realize what he needs to do to get himself ready for school after a camping trip. If they were getting home at 8pm, that would be different.

[ChristusG]

I guess it depends on what sort of kid he is. Is this something he may try to pull often?

 

I only have small children right now, so I can't weigh in much. But when I was a teen in high school, if I told my mom I didn't feel like going to school that day, then she always let me stay home. It's because I wasn't the type of kid to just get out of going to school for no reason. If I said I didn't feel like going, then I meant it.

 

So I guess it depends on if your son is that type of child.

[MamaAkins]

If he's done this in the past and it's a result of going to camp, I would not allow him to go to any such camp in the future.

[cjthedog64]

My stepdaughter (now 16) used to do that. On her weekends at mom's, she'd be out and about (parties, "family reunions", friends, etc) no sleep and being wild. When she was younger (12-14 or so) we wouldn't know that she'd had such a wild weekend, so when she woke up "sick" on Monday, we let her stay home. She'd sleep in a long time, read and watch videos. Pretty much the same thing she actually did when she was sick. Finally we learned about these wild weekends and that she was just wearing herself out. (She normally would go to bed around 8:30, so she needed LOTS of sleep.) Her last couple of months living with us, we finally started making her go to school those days. Figured if she was throwing up at school or something, they'd send her home. She got around that by calling her mom from school and saying how "sick" she was, and that we wouldn't let her stay home to get better. So mom would pick her up (at the start of school!) and we wouldn't find out until after school. :glare:

 

She ended up deciding mom's house was better for her, caused lots of problems for us, got herself disowned from the rest of the family, and is dealing with all the "freedom" at mom's. 22 days of school missed so far this year. :nopity:

[Peela]

Well he has another camp this coming weekend- but just down the road at the Scout hall- they are sailing all weekend including all night (whichever team gets the most rounds of the circuit wins so they send teams out for 36 hours).

I warned him- he has to go to school on Monday- so he has decided to not go to the camp until Saturday, and sleep in on Saturday morning. Then he only gets one (very late) night.

So he is possibly actually considering the issue now that he knows he cant take school time to recover.

 

This whole thing has brought up a few things for me with him. I was really trying to give him a lot more space to make his own decisions- I had stopped giving him a bedtime, hadn't harrassed him about homework etc I wanted him to stand on his own feet and be self motivated. I was trying to support him without controlling him.

But I decided last night that he wasn't handling that much freedom very well- and I reinstigated a bedtime, and some boundaries around doing homework before getting onto the computer after school...I feel he wasn't ready for that much freedom and he actually feels relieved at the boundaries (and his mum being more like the old mum he was used to!). He actually seems quite happy about it.

I am constantly re-evaluating my parenting techniques and sometimes my ideals just don't meet reality very well.

[Tap]

 

I am constantly re-evaluating my parenting techniques and sometimes my ideals just don't meet reality very well.

 

LOL I go through this with ds16 as well. He is so very responsible that I am very comfortable with him making his own decisions. The problem lies in his tendency to procrastinate. He feels that he does better work under pressure, so he puts his coursework off until the last minute. Unfortunately, that causes problems when he has underestimated the time he needed to do it. LOL

 

 

After watching him do this to himself over and over again this year, I had to step in and start giving him a false deadline. ie You have to finish your homework before going to your friends for the weekend (he often spends the entire weekend at a friends house). He knows that it is a 'false deadline' and he knows why I am doing it, it is kinda a joke (because I really don't make or enforce rules-I am just not that kind of parent). He just laughs at/with me when I tell him, and says "okay, mom, will do". Even though he knows I really don't care when he does it....just having the deadline helps him.

 

 

I am a fairly free range parent in the teen years. I would rather them get their footing in the world, now, so that when they are on their own, they have some real life skills behind them. That is why ds laughs at me when I say he has to do something.....he knows, I am going against my instincts and am trying hard to make a 'rule' for him. LOL It is hard when your kids know you so well.