A home for their hearts Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Someones blog post got me thinking. Why is this such a taboo in our society? Why don't we feel like we can really say how we are feeling? We all do it. When we are asked how we are the politicly correct answer is to say that we are fine. But what if we really aren't fine? Why do we feel like we have to hold it all inside? Why can't we say, 'I'm not fine' Thoughts? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Do you really want to get into why you are not fine with general acquaintances? It is ok to tell very close friends and family about our depression and our true feelings. But I am uncomfortable when people I barely know try to do this. For one thing, I can't really help them. And while I can pray for them, I can do that just as well without all the details. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A home for their hearts Posted March 4, 2011 Author Share Posted March 4, 2011 Do you really want to get into why you are not fine with general acquaintances? It is ok to tell very close friends and family about our depression and our true feelings. But I am uncomfortable when people I barely know try to do this. For one thing, I can't really help them. And while I can pray for them, I can do that just as well without all the details. I'm not saying to go into details or anything. I'm just saying why can't we say something other than "I'm fine"? Why even ask the question if we aren't prepared for any other answer than "I'm fine" ? Just some questions to ponder, not attacking anyone. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Why is this such a taboo in our society? Why don't we feel like we can really say how we are feeling? We all do it. When we are asked how we are the politicly correct answer is to say that we are fine. But what if we really aren't fine? "How are you?" and "fine, thank you." are just common courtesy ways to greet friends and aquaintances. It would not be polite to spill your personal problems at that point in a conversations. If one needs to talk about not being "fine", one needs to ask a friend if they can lend an ear and a shoulder to lean on. I don't think it's taboo to say how we are really feeling in the appropriate circumstances. And I'm glad it's taboo to unload on aquaintances when they ask "How are you?" I don't want to hear it, and I don't want to unload. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 I'm not saying to go into details or anything. I'm just saying why can't we say something other than "I'm fine"? Why even ask the question if we aren't prepared for any other answer than "I'm fine" ? Just some questions to ponder, not attacking anyone. ;) Societal norms. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ester Maria Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 It's just a formulaic expression of common courtesy, nothing very literal about it. People don't really mean what they say in many of the expressions we use in our daily life. I don't think it's a sign of a societal taboo, just a convention. For getting in-depth on how you feel and why, there are more convenient, personal situations with people you know well enough to do so. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homeschoolmom Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 My opinion - when you're depressed you feel isolated and aren't particularly in the mood to reach out and potentially rejected. Throw in there that although people ask 'how are you' they usually don't want to know the truth. It's simply a polite question or as my Mom would say "bullsh*t talk." Margaret Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Am I the only person that gets the life story in response to "How ya doin?"? I know way more about the people I see when I'm out and about than I really want too. I have a neighbor's inlaw (she lives elsewhere) that likes to update me on her depression (and never ending quest for the perfect drug). I don't see this issue at all. I'm sure there are some that feel that way, why they feel that way is really a personal issue. Maybe they don't feel safe telling their inner most feelings to strangers. Maybe the people they have as friends have let them down. Maybe their family members are unkind. I don't know. I have people that I talk to and people that I talk to. If it's a carp shoot kind of day, I generally respond to 'how ya doin' with 'eh, ya know.' :lol: But then, that's a pretty normal response around here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abigail4476 Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 The reason I wouldn't share is because not everyone really wants to hear the answer when they say, "How are you today?" My friends and family really want to know--so I tell them. But I don't waste my breath on people who honestly don't care. And I have no desire to share personal matters with strangers or people I barely know. Even if they ask, "How are you today?" :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 At least it's not true on these boards. When I feel like crud, I say so. By the way, I hate long winters, and I feel like crud. March is still no better than Feb. I had words with 3 of my children today, and well, at least they are still talking to me. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Well, hey, I'm not doing too "fine" lately. When I am asked how I am doing... like, from my mom or dad... or a grown child... or a "closer" friend... I pause and try to find a response... usually my pause lets them know I am not "great!" and my "fiiine, I suppose" is a little telling... but, I really threw off one of them when I recently answered, "Well, I actually not very happy and happen to be struggling with multiple things right now."!! But, that of course wasn't said to someone is a casual setting... It depends on the level of relationship that you have with who is asking... And... I keep any family drama off my blog... although I discreetly discuss looking back and lessons I've learned from my past, dealing with abuse... very discreetly... and very rarely. Sometimes I feel like my blog is just about the fun or the good... yep... but, there are some days I do post about failing... about hurting... Just not often. Plus, I have a very open, public blog and it would violate my family's privacy for me to broadcast some "stuff"... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*~Tina~* Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 I don't think Stacy meant having the freedom or audacity to "dump" or "unload" on an acquantaince or complete stranger by way of casual conversation. Not at all. I think she's talking about being able to be "real", to be honest, to not have to pretend that life is fine and rosey, when perhaps it's not. I know earlier this week when I posted something I had given considerable thought too, and truely wanted prayers and input on, it was hard for me to see it deleted. (not to raise that issue again, please!) But for some of us it can be a struggle to reach out when we need to. Not all of us have IRL close friends to share with and pray with and I don't think that's uncommon these days. Families are busy, life is stressful, jobs are demanding and people have less and less time to concern themselves with the heart matters of others. Often I think things like this board provide that connection when it's otherwise absent, but either way, what happens when someone does reach out, but finds no sholder, no listening ear, no one to provide encouragement or advice that can lead them in the right direction? It can be isolating and devastating. I think women, in particular, are prone to putting on a happy face, staying quiet about their struggles, and hiding being unwarranted shame/guilt - whether it be an issue of feeling like a failure, dealing with a weight issue, being a parent, homeschooling, marriage, finances, etc. Just my thoughts anyway :D More of which you can read here. . .in a befitting post titled "Shhh. . .Don't Speak" http://seasonsoflearning.blogspot.com/2011/03/dont-speak.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 There is such a thing as privacy. I would say things to a close friend I might not want to post on a public board or blog. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A home for their hearts Posted March 4, 2011 Author Share Posted March 4, 2011 I don't think Stacy meant having the freedom or audacity to "dump" or "unload" on an acquantaince or complete stranger by way of casual conversation. Not at all. I think she's talking about being able to be "real", to be honest, to not have to pretend that life is fine and rosey, when perhaps it's not. :iagree: Thats what I meant entirely! Thanks. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 My mom always told me that it was impolite to tell people about my problems because they had their own to worry about. She said that was what she was taught too. Conventional wisdom from my weird family maybe? :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 I'm not saying to go into details or anything. I'm just saying why can't we say something other than "I'm fine"? Why even ask the question if we aren't prepared for any other answer than "I'm fine" ? Just some questions to ponder, not attacking anyone. Because Western society admires overcoming, winning, succeeding, prevailing, persevering, triumphing. I thought about this a lot when my baby girl died. People want to admire someone who is "staying strong," not witness falling apart at the seams. There's some sort of shame attached to not doing so hot. Better to keep that outer shell sealed pretty tightly than have everybody say, "Wow, she's a total wreck!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*~Tina~* Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 :iagree: Thats what I meant entirely! Thanks. :grouphug: :grouphug: Hugs back at ya! Because Western society admires overcoming, winning, succeeding, prevailing, persevering, triumphing. I thought about this a lot when my baby girl died. People want to admire someone who is "staying strong," not witness falling apart at the seams. There's some sort of shame attached to not doing so hot. Better to keep that outer shell sealed pretty tightly than have everybody say, "Wow, she's a total wreck!" Oh, Danielle! I'm so sorry for your loss and any pain you've had to endure alone because others couldn't handle it or didn't know how to respond to your need. Words are not adequate. Bless your heart. :grouphug: :grouphug: I agree with your statements completely. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the irony of the truth they contain. Sigh. . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 But there are appropriate ways to share your pain even in "safe" settings. When I am at a Bible study where some trust has been built up, I will share prayer requests for real life issues in my life. But that doesn't mean that I will violate someone else's privacy or ruin their reputation or my own to do it. Does that mean that people aren't compassionate enough if I can't be totally real? Maybe. But I recognize that not everyone even in a small group or Bible study or support group has the capacity to handle all my cr*p. I can lead other people into sin (of being judgmental or gossip or just plain anger) by telling them all the details. Some things are best handled with someone who does have capacity like a therapist (hopefully) or a very mature person. Some things are best handled by directly pouring out to God alone. Some things are best handled by going directly the other people involved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 People don't handle other people's mental illness well. I know from experience. My mom is on a slippery slope of depression and mental illness. I have watch all of her friends abandon her. I can't blame them. I want to leave sometimes too. I don't. I can't possibly understand what my mom is going through, nor do I want to. My mom likes to talk about what ails her and it's usually what everyone else is doing wrong. It's annoying. It's down right soul sucking. If she had a visible illness or something people understand, like cancer, we would have tons of support. It is the intangible idea of mental illness that people don't get. As for why we can't say, "I'm not fine." I think people don't want to be dragged down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silliness7 Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 I'm a crier. If I start telling somebody what is wrong, I cry. It's embarrassing, for both me and the person who was just trying to make polite conversation. It also makes you very vulnerable. I don't want to be vulnerable to my acquaintances and I don't want to make them uncomfortable...TMI and all that. That said, I think I'm pretty open about struggles. I don't gloss over things when someone wants to have a serious conversation about raising children or homeschooling or whatever. There are stressful things and I share what stresses me out and how I deal with it but I do try to keep things light and laugh a lot. Otherwise...the crying thing. :glare: But to me, that's different than currently feeling in the red-hot moment like your life is falling apart and you don't have enough hands to keep all the pieces together. Of course I'm liable to cry if someone just smiles at me. So I don't socialize a whole lot when I feel like that. I just don't want to be around people. I want to hole up and cry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacy in NJ Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 too focused on our feelings and not focused enough on other equally important elements our our daily life like responsibilites and duties. I'm not talking about everyone here, obviously. I just wish some people would keep some of their feelings to themselves more frequently. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 I would say that people tend to be inauthentic when they could just as easily tell the truth, a lot of the time. We do tend to walk around putting a shiny face on no matter what is going on underneath and I think society would be a lot better off for some more realness. I try and tell the truth when I am asked how I am, even if its not meant to be a deep question- I purposefully take it as if the person really does care and want to know and in the moment often make an attempt to say something different to just "Im fine, thanks, how are you? ". I get very tired of that social nicety. Dh has an amazing knack for sharing with supermaket cashiers- he makes them laugh, he shares with them. Its quite possible to be more real with even strangers and often they appreciate it. It doesn't mean you dump on them or offload all your problems- you are just real. If they dont like it, thats their problem- you haven't sold out at least. Yesterday dh and I were in a music store to buy a percussion instrument for me. The guy who was helping us was a big, jolly, overweight Italian guy, very friendly and helpful. He was looking up how much discount he could give us on his computer when dh made a comment on the photograph he had above his desk of himself with a little toddler, and dh said "what a cute kid". The guy looked up and said, yes, he was the light of my life- he passed away last year. He is there looking over me. Dh and I snapped into the moment and said how sorry we were to hear about it. I felt the guy was open to talking about it- I asked him if the child was born with something- he shared that yes, he was, and gave us a long name of a genetic condition. Dh said, "we have kids too- I understand that what you've been through puts the rest of life into perspective, doesn't it?". The guy said, yes, it does. Just getting through a day is a huge thing for him. If he can get through the day and make someone else happy- its a great day. He gave us a huge discount and made us happy, and we felt honoured that he shared his real pain with us and that we could genuinely connect with him. I am so glad he shared himself with us that he told us about his pain- we didn't feel he burdened us with it- we felt we got to share in his journey and we were touched by it deeply. Dh said to him "you have really touched me by sharing your story- I just want you to know that your son has now touched my life, too.". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 (edited) I would say that people tend to be inauthentic when they could just as easily tell the truth, a lot of the time. We do tend to walk around putting a shiny face on no matter what is going on underneath and I think society would be a lot better off for some more realness. I try and tell the truth when I am asked how I am, even if its not meant to be a deep question- I purposefully take it as if the person really does care and want to know and in the moment often make an attempt to say something different to just "Im fine, thanks, how are you? ". I get very tired of that social nicety. Dh has an amazing knack for sharing with supermaket cashiers- he makes them laugh, he shares with them. Its quite possible to be more real with even strangers and often they appreciate it. It doesn't mean you dump on them or offload all your problems- you are just real. If they dont like it, thats their problem- you haven't sold out at least. Yesterday dh and I were in a music store to buy a percussion instrument for me. The guy who was helping us was a big, jolly, overweight Italian guy, very friendly and helpful. He was looking up how much discount he could give us on his computer when dh made a comment on the photograph he had above his desk of himself with a little toddler, and dh said "what a cute kid". The guy looked up and said, yes, he was the light of my life- he passed away last year. He is there looking over me. Dh and I snapped into the moment and said how sorry we were to hear about it. I felt the guy was open to talking about it- I asked him if the child was born with something- he shared that yes, he was, and gave us a long name of a genetic condition. Dh said, "we have kids too- I understand that what you've been through puts the rest of life into perspective, doesn't it?". The guy said, yes, it does. Just getting through a day is a huge thing for him. If he can get through the day and make someone else happy- its a great day. He gave us a huge discount and made us happy, and we felt honoured that he shared his real pain with us and that we could genuinely connect with him. I am so glad he shared himself with us that he told us about his pain- we didn't feel he burdened us with it- we felt we got to share in his journey and we were touched by it deeply. Dh said to him "you have really touched me by sharing your story- I just want you to know that your son has now touched my life, too.". Your conversation went beyond conventional small talk and had a real connection with a real person. That kind of "reality" in dealing with people is important to me. I've been touched deeply with that sort of thing too. But there is a difference between being real while telling someone "I'm going through a tough time right now" vs. basically unloading all your garbage on someone. I've had friendships that ended up being toxic because the person was always unloading. They listened to my advice but never did anything concrete about their problems (not that it had to include following my advice!) I'm going through some pretty tough things in my life right now that I can't talk about without being somewhat superficial because to do so would violate other people's privacy. I see that sometimes on this board when someone will ask for prayer (like sbgrace right now) but will say that they cannot give us the details. I think that's why SWB has put certain parameters around what she wants to allow on this forum. Having certain boundaries in our social relationships does not mean that we have to keep it all inside or be unhealthy or pretend that we are always sunshine and light. Edited March 5, 2011 by Jean in Newcastle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 From an old Jackson Browne song: Maybe people only ask you how you're doing/ Because it is easier than letting on how little they could care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 Peela, That is a remarkable story and it sounds like you and your dh really have a talent for being real in a way that doesn't go awry. I would say that's one of the rarer abilities. I don't usually want to share my "real" because it has too much potential to make me cry. If it's something I can talk about in a somewhat objective way, chances are I'm not too enveloped in the hurt of it right then anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*~Tina~* Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 Peela, you always have something wonderful to share. What a touching story. Its quite possible to be more real with even strangers and often they appreciate it. It doesn't mean you dump on them or offload all your problems- you are just real. If they dont like it, thats their problem- you haven't sold out at least. :iagree: I suspect another big reason people tend to smile and keep things to themselves, even among those they consider friends, is because of the judgment of others: *I* wouldn't share that because. . . *I* would only share that in _______ setting. . . *You* can cause others to sin when you share _______. *You* should see a therapist (no matter how kindly said!) Can you believe *she* ________. *I* would NEVER _________. Deciding within yourself what's acceptable for others to share based on your personal view of what violates privacy or what you feel is outside the lines of acceptability serves to unjustly condemn another who's views may differ from yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theYoungerMrsWarde Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 I'm not saying to go into details or anything. I'm just saying why can't we say something other than "I'm fine"? Why even ask the question if we aren't prepared for any other answer than "I'm fine" ? Just some questions to ponder, not attacking anyone. ;) I always take a few seconds to think about it before I answer. It always surprises people. Most of the time, if I can't think of anything recently (that day) bad, I say "I'm doing okay, thanks for asking." Sometimes when people ask when I'm at church or Bible study my answer is "Well, I'm here." It always makes me internally roll my eyes when doctors ask because my smart-alack answer is "bad enough to come see you!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 From an old Jackson Browne song: Maybe people only ask you how you're doing/ Because it is easier than letting on how little they could care. Didn't the custom of asking how one was doing gain popularity during the plague outbreaks as a way to find out if someone was going to give you the plague? :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2scouts Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 Oh, I hate this. I went through major depression after a series of tragedies and I hated when people said "Hi, how are you?" and I was expected to answer "I'm fine. How are you?" I was NOT fine and I didn't want to play the game. I don't care if it's just a social custom, it was torture to me. After a while I started saying things like "OK" or "having a rough day" or "not too bad today" or I'd just reply with a "hi". It surprised people when they didn't get the expected answer, but they learned to ask only if they really cared enough to hear the truth! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 Because Western society admires overcoming, winning, succeeding, prevailing, persevering, triumphing. I thought about this a lot when my baby girl died. People want to admire someone who is "staying strong," not witness falling apart at the seams. There's some sort of shame attached to not doing so hot. Better to keep that outer shell sealed pretty tightly than have everybody say, "Wow, she's a total wreck!" This is so true. On the other hand, when you have (other) kids, falling apart is not an option. When my dh died I heard a lot of "Oh, you're so strong!" "I admire your strength." etc. I didn't feel I was being strong, I was just doing what needed to be done. Sometimes I was a total wreck, but not in public. Just with my friends, a grief group, and sometimes with my girls so they could grieve also. But you're right in that aquaintences did not want to witness the true grief after the funeral, they were much happier admiring "strength." And after a year, everyone expected me to be "cured". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 too focused on our feelings and not focused enough on other equally important elements our our daily life like responsibilites and duties. I'm not talking about everyone here, obviously. I just wish some people would keep some of their feelings to themselves more frequently. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 It's easy to answer 'how are you?' because you don't have to go into detail. Unless a person wants to know they really just skip over it with an 'that's too bad' or 'sorry to hear it.' My son has a condition, and the last few years have been very hard sometimes. I have people I trust and love, and quite a few who care about us. Still...it's hard to be totally honest with people. I can answer 'how are you?' honestly. I can't always be totally forthcoming about his condition or my latest depression or how we managed to survive another week because: 1) Sometimes the things people say back to you make it worse. :confused: You still love them. You still want to talk to them. They don't know how to comfort you and they say stupid things. 2) There's only so long you can complain before people start turning it off. Human beings can only take so much of a thing they can't personally make better. It's human nature. This is one of the big reasons we don't take the elderly seriously, or dislike visiting them. It's repetitive. It's beyond our control. It's boring. 3) You get tired of being the center of attention. You don't want to talk about it for once. You just want to have some normal, adult, or intellectual conversation without getting dragged back to your everyday life. 4) You want to protect them. Not forever. Not at your own destruction. But if you know they have a lot of hard stuff on their own plate you don't want to add to it. To make up for these problems I usually have a small group of people I go to who have proven themselves. And rather than dump the whole thing on one of them I take turns. When I feel things building up I seek one of them out and let them comfort me and let me vent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 Interesting question. I don't think that depression or true feelings are taboo topics of conversation. But "How are you?" followed by (often) "I'm fine," is a cultural greeting ritual, not a prompt to spill our guts. I guess I've never felt limited to "I'm fine," even though that's my usual response. (Because it's true. Most days I am fine.) I will sometimes say, "Argh, it's been one of those days." Or "Doing okay today." Or "What a rotten day!" Or even "Fine" when I'm really not, because I just don't want to share. But I usually follow it with "How's your day going?" If I want to share more deeply than that, I share with a good friend, and it's part of the conversation that takes place after the greeting. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 When my dh died I heard a lot of "Oh, you're so strong!" "I admire your strength." etc. I didn't feel I was being strong, I was just doing what needed to be done. Sometimes I was a total wreck, but not in public. Just with my friends, a grief group, and sometimes with my girls so they could grieve also. I'm sorry you lost your dh. :grouphug: Did it bug you when people would tell you you are strong? I personally hated that. It made me feel even more misunderstood than I already was. I remember one lady who said, "You have such unbelievable faith in God!" and I wanted to :smilielol5: - yeah, that's a good one - guess you don't know what you don't know, eh? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 I'm sorry you lost your dh. :grouphug: Did it bug you when people would tell you you are strong? I personally hated that. It made me feel even more misunderstood than I already was. I remember one lady who said, "You have such unbelievable faith in God!" and I wanted to :smilielol5: - yeah, that's a good one - guess you don't know what you don't know, eh? It didn't bug me too much when people told me I was strong. I was trying to appear that way, after all. I did think, "you have no idea..." If I heard it too many times in a day I wanted to scream though. What choice did I have? Not being "strong" really wasn't an option. What else can I do, curl up into a sniveling ball on the floor? You play the hand you're dealt. I did hear, "God never gives you more than you can handle..." a few too many times too. I know people mean well, but 1- I'm an atheist, and 2- if God never gives people more than they can handle, why does anyone commit suicide? But most people (fortunately for them) don't understand. My dh had cancer for 2 years before he died, so I already knew that people had no idea how to react to horrible news. Most people are just saying what they think you want to hear, and it did help knowing people cared enough to say something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mynyel Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 Because when I am irritated you don't want to hear what comes out of my mouth. :D Aside fromt hat I don't always say I am fine, I say things like... Could be better. Or I'd be better if... something did happen, didn't happen so on. A lot of it, IMO, comes down to people are so... I don't know the word, but no one wants to hear "negativity". If it is negative they don't want to be around you. So we give the PC answer in order to keep people around rather than chase them off. I am not really explaining that well but there it is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 I think one has to have reached a certain level of relationship before it's comfortable to share those sort of feelings. The sharer has to be willing to be vulnerable, and the share-ee has to be trusted not to judge. There are lots of people in my life that I have casual acquaintance with, but only a few that I've cared to let into my deep thought life. That type of relationship takes time to establish and tend, and I think people don't want to invest that kind of time in numerous relationships, just the ones that count. But, yeah, it is a little artificial feeling when you want to admit you've actually had a crummy day and instead, for the sake of being outwardly joyful, you have to keep stuffing things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 I did hear, "God never gives you more than you can handle..." a few too many times too. I know people mean well, but 1- I'm an atheist, and 2- if God never gives people more than they can handle, why does anyone commit suicide? :iagree: I would always think, "Then maybe I better stop appearing so capable..." I would think of people with PTSD, who were catatonic. I think they got more than they could handle. I'm not an atheist, but I played one for a while. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 I've had times when I've been totally unable to cope. But those times do not happen in public. I did have one friend's mom who allowed me to spend a week at their vacation cottage all by myself. It was so healing to be all alone in complete silence and not to have to worry at all about what other people were thinking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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