The Trouble with Bright Girls (Huffington Post column)

[jplain]

The Trouble with Bright Girls

 

excerpts:

[Psychologist Carol Dweck] found that Bright Girls, when given something to learn that was particularly foreign or complex, were quick to give up; the higher the girls' IQ, the more likely they were to throw in the towel. In fact, the straight-A girls showed the most helpless responses. Bright boys, on the other hand, saw the difficult material as a challenge, and found it energizing. They were more likely to redouble their efforts rather than give up.

Researchers have uncovered the reason for this difference in how difficulty is interpreted, and it is simply this: More often than not, Bright Girls believe that their abilities are innate and unchangeable, while bright boys believe that they can develop ability through effort and practice.

 

How do girls and boys develop these different views? Most likely, it has to do with the kinds of feedback we get from parents and teachers as young children.

My question is this: How do we avoid and counteract this feedback that may hinder female confidence?

 

I suspect there's a biological/hormonal component being overlooked here. However, I'm willing to ignore it, since there's nothing I can do about it.

[regentrude]

I think one important aspect is that bright kids often get their easy A without an effort. It definitely happened to my DD in school - she had a very low frustration tolerance because everything had always been easy and she was not used to making an effort. (We found instrument lessons a great teaching tool - nobody is born knowing how to play the piano, everybody has to practice)

It was the same for me - the shock when I, after twelve easy successful years at school with barely any effort, hit college and was confronted with material I did not understand immediately: I thought it must mean that I am too stupid! It took me a whole semester to overcome the feelings of inadequacy and failure and become successful and confident.

 

So, with my own children, I am trying to expose them to situations where they have to make an effort and WORK for their success. Seeing that one can succeed through hard work and perseverance and not only through innate ability goes a long way towards instilling confidence. I believe self-esteem needs to be based on some actual achievement; so I see it as my job as a parent to create opportunities for my children to experience this.

And then I also find that it helps my DD seeing me as a role model and seeing other women who work hard to achieve something and succeed. Unfortunately, these women are usually not portrayed in popular culture.

[silliness7]

I'm confused when the article says the higher the IQ and then correlates that to straight-A's.

 

Where's the link between high IQ and straight A's?

Are they assuming that a straight A student has a high IQ?

I don't think that is a safe assumption.

 

Someone with a normal IQ can have straight A's. I was one of those straight A students that had to work hard. I embrace challenges. Maybe not quite as much as a young girl but isn't that the way with young people in general?

 

Maybe my hormones are off. :glare:

[regentrude]

I embrace challenges. Maybe not quite as much as a young girl but isn't that the way with young people in general?

 

 

No, I don't think that that's the way in general - not if the young people never had to make any effort, never had to work for their success.

 

I know there is no 1:1 correlation between grades and IQ; a student with a high IQ is, however, more likely to do well in school without effort - and I believe it is the "no effort" part that makes the difference, not the A itself.

[justamouse]

I read that too, and found it fascinating-I know I'm guilty of it. Wanted to post but didn't have the time.

 

I know with myself, I need to stop expecting my girls to get it, and give them more room to fail with encouragement.

 

Really, the article pinpointed me.

 

My 8yo ds, all boy, can't sit still for the life of him, math whiz, and all I say is, "Sit down a second more and finish this, come on, I know you can do it. Let's get these done."

 

My one 9yo Dd had some problems with fractions and after trying to help her, I ended up saying something like, "I just don't understand why you can't see what the answer is!" It was all there on the page, it just wasn't clicking for her and I got frustrated and made her cry.

 

I felt like a steaming pile of crup.

 

Meanwhile, my Dd16 walks over, and says, "This line means 'out of'. So what does this math sentence say?"

 

Dd9 "5 out of 8."

 

*lightbulb goes off*

 

I mean really, what the hell was my problem? Why do I allow him all the room in the world to get his act together, and I expect it right away out of her? he's trained me, and she's trained me.

 

He trained me to give him room to settle down because his fine motorskills need some work still, and he needs to climb, and jump, but *still does the work*, I just allow him room to be himself.

 

She has trained me (in my expectations of her) that she will sit quietly and studiously work on something and try hard to get it, and normally succeeds. So I expect that of her.

 

Me being a better teacher and mother would be looking for clues from her that she needs more *room* and that I needed to readjust my expectations of her in this area.

[Mejane]

Interesting. I see this dynamic in my own family. Dd and I (the more intellectual pair) are quick to quit, while dh and ds are more apt to want to prove that they can. I never thought of it as a gender issue, more one of personality or temperament. Dd and I are more fiery and less patient, whereas dh and ds are more easy-going, so they will stick with something.

 

I agree that IQ and grades have very little to do with each other in many cases.

[fairfarmhand]

oh. my. word.....

 

this describes my dd to a T.

 

She's very bright and very capable.

 

 

yet, when faced with something hard, that requires effort, failure, try again, she whines, cries, says it's impossible....

 

my second dd, who does not have the same "giftedness" (for lack of a better word) expects that nothing will come without effort and has a much better attitude toward difficulty.

[ChristineW]

There's a chapter in NurtureShock about this. According to the authors, its important to talk about the brain being a muscle that gets stronger with use and with challenges. Also, they cite a study where kids were given an easy test followed by a harder test. One set of students were praised for being smart after scoring well on the easy test while the other group was told that they must have worked hard. Both sets scored badly on the second too hard test. When the "smart" kids were given the easy test again, they scored much worse (20%)but the "study hard" kids did much better (30%). In a separate group of kids, students were offered a choice on the second test: another grade level test or a harder test that would teach them a lot, 90% of the work hard kids chose the harder test while a majority of the you're smart kids chose the easy test again.

 

They key is not to base praise on innate ability, but to teach a child that intelligence can be developed and to emphasize effort.

 

Christine W

[GWOB]

Yep. this is my dd. She is bright. She just gets things. But, if you present her with something new that she cannot master within 30 seconds, she falls apart. I just put on my mean mom hat and make her work through the problem(s). She was in ps through half of 3rd grade. She made As (A's) effortlessly. She is not used to being pushed and challenged. Now that I am forcing her to think, to try new things, to find the solution to a difficult problem, she is getting better. We have fewer breakdowns, though they are still there.

 

My son is completely different. He's extremely bright, but he is also willing to work through a new challenge. He doesn't mind doing hard things (unless it involves a pencil, but that is more due to age I think).

 

From my own personal experience, I do think there is a lot of truth in this article. Obviously it will not be true for everyone, but it certainly rings true in this house.

[mommymilkies]

I love this book!

 

I was also one of those high IQ kids who was not a straight A student. I was consistently told I was not doing well enough. So I stopped doing my homework or studying. An F got me the same response as an A. I'm stubborn like that. ;)

 

There's a chapter in NurtureShock about this. According to the authors, its important to talk about the brain being a muscle that gets stronger with use and with challenges. Also, they cite a study where kids were given an easy test followed by a harder test. One set of students were praised for being smart after scoring well on the easy test while the other group was told that they must have worked hard. Both sets scored badly on the second too hard test. When the "smart" kids were given the easy test again, they scored much worse (20%)but the "study hard" kids did much better (30%). In a separate group of kids, students were offered a choice on the second test: another grade level test or a harder test that would teach them a lot, 90% of the work hard kids chose the harder test while a majority of the you're smart kids chose the easy test again.

 

They key is not to base praise on innate ability, but to teach a child that intelligence can be developed and to emphasize effort.

 

Christine W

[GWOB]

:iagree:

 

Yes, this. Bright kids need to know that they have to work at things sometimes and they have to know it is okay to fail.

 

Thing with me is that I have succeeded at every.single.thing I have done in my life. BUT I am extremely cautious about what I will attempt. If I don't have a high degree of certainty that I will be successful with something, I won't even attempt it. And I don't think that is a good thing at all.

 

This is me! That is why I am working so hard with my dd. I see myself in her, and that isn't always wonderful. So we push and push to instill in this child that while she is smart, she still has to bust her bum and try hard things. So what if she fails? So what if she has to try over and over again?

[Princess Peach]

Actually, this article describes my older son to a T. My dd otoh, will try and try and try until she gets something right without getting frustrated. :confused:

[LisaKinVA]

See, I have the opposite problem in my family. My BOYS are more likely to give up with a challenge... my daughters are more likely to plug at it.

[Mejane]

 

Thing with me is that I have succeeded at every.single.thing I have done in my life. BUT I am extremely cautious about what I will attempt. If I don't have a high degree of certainty that I will be successful with something, I won't even attempt it. And I don't think that is a good thing at all.

 

Yes, yes, yes. :iagree:it's not so good.

[MSNative]

regentrude[/b]]I think one important aspect is that bright kids often get their easy A without an effort. It definitely happened to my DD in school - she had a very low frustration tolerance because everything had always been easy and she was not used to making an effort. (We found instrument lessons a great teaching tool - nobody is born knowing how to play the piano, everybody has to practice)

It was the same for me - the shock when I, after twelve easy successful years at school with barely any effort, hit college and was confronted with material I did not understand immediately: I thought it must mean that I am too stupid! It took me a whole semester to overcome the feelings of inadequacy and failure and become successful and confident.

 

So, with my own children, I am trying to expose them to situations where they have to make an effort and WORK for their success. Seeing that one can succeed through hard work and perseverance and not only through innate ability goes a long way towards instilling confidence. I believe self-esteem needs to be based on some actual achievement; so I see it as my job as a parent to create opportunities for my children to experience this.

And then I also find that it helps my DD seeing me as a role model and seeing other women who work hard to achieve something and succeed. Unfortunately, these women are usually not portrayed in popular culture.

 

:iagree:

I think that it isn't a gender issue. It is a personality and experience issue. Kids who seem to get things easily do tend to become academically lazy. These are usually the kids who freak out a couple years into college when they finally get challenged. This describes many people I know - male and female.

 

As pp mentioned, it's important to challenge kids so they have to struggle a bit. I try to withhold help a bit. When one of my kids asks me a question, I usually "finish up one quick thing" and then go help them. They know I'm coming, so they don't stress. About half the time, they figure it out before I even get there. Robotics has also been fantastic for teaching persistence, determination, creative problem solving and patience to my kids....and me. :)

[fairfarmhand]

:iagree:

I think that it isn't a gender issue. It is a personality and experience issue. Kids who seem to get things easily do tend to become academically lazy. These are usually the kids who freak out a couple years into college when they finally get challenged. This describes many people I know - male and female.

 

 

:iagree:

[Cedarmom]

This quote described my son. He is very bright and everything came easy. When something was hard he was just shocked. He figured he must not be able to do it.

 

How did I help him get over it? Or maybe it was something he wold have grown out of with or without my guidance? i'm not sure. I told him it was normal to struggle. That at some pointeveryone struggles. That I woulld help him figure it out. That I knew he could do it.

 

In high school he grew up and loved the challenge of hard things. I wish I could pinpoint what happened to make that change. If I had to pick one thing I guess I would say it was coming alongside him during things that were difficult. We read the classical books and discussed together, we worked on the prgymnasta writing together. At the end , he came out feeling like he could work hard and not give up.

 

I am also wondering if it it because we give boys more of a break, give them time to mature. My son was so wiggly, couldn't sit still for the life of him. In his younger years, we were very casual. And he got positive feedback for learning to sit still, for focusing. I concentrated (because he needed it) more on the task of just giving him the skill of being able to focus than on great amount of info. It wasn't unitl he was 9 or 10 that we focused more an academics.

Edited March 3, 2011 by Cedarmom

[Garga]

Another vote for having a boy who is like this. I force him to work thru problems that he would give up on, in the hopes that he'll learn to persevere.

[TravelingChris]

I have one boy, two girls. The only one who is not likely to quit is my middle child, a girl. Why? Everything in life except singing seems to be so much harder for her but she does it. SHe had the best grades, the highest test scores, the best achievements in extra-curriculars. Why? I think solely because it was so hard for her. Everything was harder for her even reading since she had an undiagnosed vision problem (not for my trying to get it diagnosed and corrected) until she was 8. But then, she isn't a typical girl- her personality dimension is much more common in males (INTJ), My other two are perfectionists and tend to give up way too fast.

[LostSurprise]

I don't see a strong, exclusive gender correlation here, perhaps because I have all boys.

 

One of my boys is just like this. Obviously gifted, but things came so easily at first that when they don't come easily he doubts his gifts. It becomes a circular problem. At 12 we spend more time emphasizing hard work and learning from mistakes more then anything else.

 

Another son was the one teachers pinpointed as having problems. Now he will stick with something. He isn't as afraid of failure as my other son and he tests 10% higher, even in reading--the subject my older son is a natural in.

 

I do think there is an emotional component to this. Girls are more likely to doubt themselves, especially in their teens. I think it would be interesting to see this study across a range of ages. How do women respond once they've left that fragile time? Are they more likely to believe in their abilities?

[PiCO]

I read a study once (I can't remember where...) that said students who were told they succeed because they are "smart" tend to give up, students who are told they succeed because they "work hard" tend to not give up.

 

It was a good study- students were given a test, and either told they were smart or they worked hard. Then they were given a harder test. The "smart" kids gave up a lot faster than the "worked hard" group.

 

Later in the school year, the study was repeated with the same students in the oposite test groups. Same results were seen with the changed groups.

 

I try to always give my dds compliments on things they have control over- like hard work, your hair looks nice that way - and not things they have no control over (smart, pretty, etc.)

[melissel]

:iagree:

 

Yes, this. Bright kids need to know that they have to work at things sometimes and they have to know it is okay to fail.

 

Thing with me is that I have succeeded at every.single.thing I have done in my life. BUT I am extremely cautious about what I will attempt. If I don't have a high degree of certainty that I will be successful with something, I won't even attempt it. And I don't think that is a good thing at all.

 

Yep, here too. Even now, I have this problem. However, in my limited experience, I've found that two things have made the most difference for my very bright, very perfectionist DD8. First, I've been talking to her about doing things for herself rather than to please me (she's the compliant one, the "Do you like this? Did I do well?" kid). I'll often tell her that I do like something, but that what's more important is how SHE feels about something she did. Does she feel like she did her best work? Is she happy with how it turned out? When she does it again, does she think she learned anything this time that she can use next time? This approach has made a huge difference in her artwork. IMO, she's pretty talented, but she wouldn't go outside her comfort zone for a long time. I'd hear, "That's too hard" or "I can't draw that." She's been stretching her abilities more lately.

 

The other thing, and IMO this is the most important thing, is that I try to have opportunities to see ME working hard at something. I'll talk to her about how I'm trying to do whatever, and that I'm having a hard time with it, and I'm struggling, but that I have to get it done. I've been trying to find something that I'm interested in learning (I think it's going to be French), that she can watch me tackle and work on. But for the most part, in our lives, I struggle with having to work, even part-time. She knows I dislike working, she knows it's hard for me and makes my schedule difficult, but she also knows that it's important for our family right now and that I'm proud when I get a project done and bring in a nice paycheck that contributes to our family's security.

 

Now my DD5 is also a bright girl, but she has my personality, which means that all I have to do to get her to stick to something is to insinuate that she might not be able to do it successfully :lol: Someone once told me how much she admired my ability to decide what I wanted and go for it until I made it happen. It's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me, but since getting to know my DD5 and seeing how we two are alike, I'm starting to wonder if my friend's compliment wasn't quite a compliment :001_huh: :D

[melissel]

I read a study once (I can't remember where...) that said students who were told they succeed because they are "smart" tend to give up, students who are told they succeed because they "work hard" tend to not give up.

 

It was a good study- students were given a test, and either told they were smart or they worked hard. Then they were given a harder test. The "smart" kids gave up a lot faster than the "worked hard" group.

 

Later in the school year, the study was repeated with the same students in the oposite test groups. Same results were seen with the changed groups.

 

I try to always give my dds compliments on things they have control over- like hard work, your hair looks nice that way - and not things they have no control over (smart, pretty, etc.)

 

This research of Carol Dweck's has been around for awhile, and people have been talking about it for awhile. It is actually the research that the author of NurtureShock based his analysis on.

 

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Books/story?id=8433586

[Joyofsixreboot]

My oldest dd has never had anything doing with school come easily to her. Consequently she has the best work ethic of any student I've ever seen. And it has paid off with scholarships, etc. I think if things come too easily the child never has to learn to work and when they need to it's too late. My oldest ds is an example of that. He can do nothing and get a solid B so that's what he does. It's frustrating when they don't want to be 'more'.

[MamaSheep]

I didn't read the article, and I haven't read all the responses since I'm low on time. (So I have some nerve posting a response, eh? Blush.) But this reminds me of a study I read about a few years back. It talked about how smart kids who get complimented on how "smart" they are tend to cheat more and give up more easily when faced with a challenge, whereas smart kids who are complimented on their "hard work" are more likely to persevere and succeed, and less likely to cheat. I don't think this study differentiated between boys and girls.

 

The conclusion they had come up with was that when kids are complimented for "being smart" they think their success comes from innate intellect, which they see as a fixed quantity--either you're smart enough to already know the answers, or you're not. If they don't know the answers, their response is not to try harder, because having to make an effort means you're not "smart" and they don't want anyone to think they're not smart because "smart" is what they think people value them for. Their self-esteem is all tied up in "smart". And "smart" is not something you DO, it's something you ARE (or are not), and you don't have a lot of control over what you ARE, it's just in your genes. So when they hit a point where they don't innately already know the answers just because they are "smart", they feel like it's because they're not "smart enough". And since "smart" is where their personal sense of value lies, they don't want anyone to KNOW they are not "smart enough". Then people won't be impressed by them anymore, and won't value them at the same level. They can't be seen to make an effort, because that is tangible PROOF of not being "smart enough" to just KNOW. So they cheat, because then at least to those around them (who seem to value them for their innate intellect) they will still SEEM to be "smart enough" and will not lose face, be embarrassed, or lose value in the eyes of the important people in their lives.

 

On the other hand, when you compliment a child for things they can DO, and have more control over, like being a "hard worker", or "responsible", or "self-disciplined", then they view things differently. When they hit a challenging patch of something they don't already know they handle it differently. If working hard gives them a sense of self-worth (having been admired by others for this quality), then reaching the end of what they already "know" isn't a threat that tells them they're "not good enough", it's an opportunity to prove their "value" and to become EVEN BETTER.

 

After reading about that, I made a real effort to be conscious to compliment my son on things he could DO, and had some control of, rather than just on what he IS. (Other than he IS my son, and I love him for it, and nothing can change that, and everyone has intrinsic value as human beings an nobody is worthless--things like that.) So instead of saying, "Wow, you sure know a lot of facts about that subject, you're really smart." I say, "Wowk you sure know a lot of facts about that subject, you must have spent a lot of time reading and really thinking deeply about it." And instead of "Wow, look what you made, you're so creative." I say things like, "Wow, look what you made! I can tell you put a lot of work into that, and made an effort to think about how you could do this differently than the boring old regular way."

 

And I've really noticed a difference in my son's approach to hard things since then. It's been interesting to observe. I think that kind of compliment gives kids hints as to what specific things they can do to continue to get good results, and helps provide them with tools for approaching challenges. Success doesn't all depend on whether you're "smart enough" or not if you have a toolbox that includes spending time, thinking deeply, reading, making an effort, not being afraid of hard work, and thinking outside the box.

[angela in ohio]

I did a lot of research about a similar topic in mathematics teaching, because encouraging girls in math and science will be my extra goal when I start teaching high school math and computer science.

 

We praise girls for getting the right answer and following the rules, but we praise boys for taking chances and solving problems. This leads to girls who "color in the lines." Research shows that when girls and boys are taught the same concept and then asked to apply it in a different (innovative) way, girls don't do nearly as well.

 

So you have the usual "bright kids don't learn to try hard things" going on, but then you add the whammy of being a "good, smart" girl.

 

I try to keep this in mind and challenge my girls to think ourside the box, problem solve, take chances... I also discuss the abilities they have been gifted with in the context of a responsibility to use them well and not take things easy.

[Renee in NC]

The is not true in my family. I am one who keeps at something until I get it. My dh and the boys give up on something easily. Drives me bonkers. I am also the science/math person.

[6packofun]

Wow, my dd is so like this!! What upsets me is that, as a homeschooler, she gets specific praise, time to learn and relearn, no punishements for not knowing something and I try to give her the tools to find the answer on her own. So what is UP?? What can I do to change this behavior? We're talking near tantrums at almost 16 when she doesn't get a math concept *immediately*...wailing, gnashing of teeth...and when it's all said and done? 95 or 100% for the work. UGH!!! LOL

[Renee in NC]

I read a study once (I can't remember where...) that said students who were told they succeed because they are "smart" tend to give up, students who are told they succeed because they "work hard" tend to not give up.

 

It was a good study- students were given a test, and either told they were smart or they worked hard. Then they were given a harder test. The "smart" kids gave up a lot faster than the "worked hard" group.

 

Later in the school year, the study was repeated with the same students in the oposite test groups. Same results were seen with the changed groups.

 

I try to always give my dds compliments on things they have control over- like hard work, your hair looks nice that way - and not things they have no control over (smart, pretty, etc.)

 

Maybe that is why we are "flipped" here - my boys all have LDs! They have to work hard at everything and many times even hard work doesn't bring them success. I'm going to work on that, though, as I don't want them to give up when things get hard because they assume they can't.

[AndyJoy]

OK, so this is kind of long and rambling, but I have a clingy toddler and as much as I would like to write a coherent essay of my thoughts, it ain't gonna happen.

 

I was a straight A, high IQ, "good girl", but I wouldn't say that I gave up easily when challenged. I might start panicking or have a crisis of confidence, but I wouldn't quit. I think I cared too much about my grade or losing face to actually give up. I might hypothetically have a private cry in my bedroom over my first night's math homework in both 11th & 12th grade, but I wouldn't quit. I might hypothetically cry while taking my first Calculus test, but still finish it (bewildering my poor first-year male teacher who I tearfully kept assuring I was OK).

 

For me, it wasn't impatience or frustration with something being hard. I loved challenges that were safe to fail. It was the ones that "mattered" in my view of the world that aroused my perfectionism and a real fear that something horrible would happen if I failed.

 

What if I've been faking it all along? What if I really can't handle this when everyone thinks I can? What if my hopes and dreams for the future are impossible if I can't do this? What will my (often cruel) classmates say if I fail at this? I get made fun of for being smart--will they now mock me for being stupid? Will I disappoint my parents or teacher? I thought I could handle this--do I really not know myself?

 

Once the panicked thoughts started flooding my brain, I had to work hard to talk myself down and keep my thoughts/emotions from reaching the meltdown point.

 

When I was 12, I took an IQ test for possible admission to the GT program. Unfortunately, I was told this. Since I wanted SO badly to get in, every little mistake, slip up, hesitation, or challenge freaked me out. The more upset I got, the more I messed up. I remember crying when I couldn't figure out what was missing from a picture of a face (the eyebrows). The counselor stopped several times to try to get me back on track, but he ended up skipping several parts of the test because I was stressing myself out so badly. He ended up reporting an estimated score with comments about my perfectionism (and speculation about whether I might feel driven to suicide if I kept stressing myself that way!)

 

However, I was also given a creativity test near that time. They didn't tell me that it would be used to determine whether I could enter the Creative GT program. All they said was that it was a timed drawing/writing exercise and that it was out of 20 points, but most people don't get anywhere near 20 points and it wouldn't count for any grade. I was overwhelmed for about 10 seconds when I saw it, as I had never done anything like it. Then my love of a challenge kicked in and I had SO much fun doing it. The fact that I scored well too didn't have nearly the importance for me that it normally would have. Later when they told me why I had been given that exercise (test), I remember thinking I was glad I hadn't known what was riding on it!

 

When I worked in the mechanical engineering office of a university, I was amused at the irony of this nearly every day. In general, I saw that your average guy seems to have a lot more innate confidence in his abilities. Part of my job was counseling new freshmen. I talked to straight-A female students with phenomenal test scores who were worried about whether they could handle engineering courses. I talked to dozens of male B-D students whose incoming test scores required 2-3 math courses before they could start freshmen Calculus who were sure they'd make awesome engineers.

 

I don't think this was due to people telling the girls they couldn't do math/engineering. In fact, I heard the opposite my whole life, even in a "redneck" town in Idaho. I think that part of it is biological. I also think that the idea that girls do better at sit-down-and-do-it-on-paper-in-a-classroom work when they are young, and thus get that "you're smart" feedback vs. the "you worked hard" feedback rings true.

[AndyJoy]

Wow, my dd is so like this!! What upsets me is that, as a homeschooler, she gets specific praise, time to learn and relearn, no punishements for not knowing something and I try to give her the tools to find the answer on her own. So what is UP?? What can I do to change this behavior? We're talking near tantrums at almost 16 when she doesn't get a math concept *immediately*...wailing, gnashing of teeth...and when it's all said and done? 95 or 100% for the work. UGH!!! LOL

 

I wonder if being at home w/mom makes it harder to get control of her emotions? Maybe she feels safe venting her inner thoughts to you that she might otherwise smother/deal with in private if she had a less "safe" audience? When I got home after my first day of both 11th & 12th grade, I had a long, private cry over my math homework. I was so sure I was doomed and stuck and could never make it through Trig & Calculus. About 3 hours later, my homework was done, my tears were dry, and I felt pretty good about it. I just needed the time alone to work through my "worst case" fears as I proved one little problem at a time that I could do it bit by bit. I don't think any encouragement from anyone could have prevented me from having these meltdowns and I think they ended up being good for me in the long run because I learned a lot about myself through them. Maybe she would benefit from having her meltdown more privately, though it might be hard to convince her that it is for her good and not punishment at the time!