S/O - I'm not a very good mom to my daughter

[Jean in Newcastle]

She's not a teen yet, but I think our relationship is going to be rocky. It already is a bit mercurial. She goes from thinking I'm the "best mom ever" to "the worst mom in the universe". The thing is, looking at the list of things that people listed of what their moms did wrong? - I fit a lot of that list.

 

A lot of what she finds interesting seems frivolous and superficial to me. I listen and pretend to like it for her sake, but I think she knows that I don't really appreciate the same things. And I think that bothers her.

 

I think she thinks I'm way too hard on her because I push her in school and point out her mistakes. I try to be patient but honestly there are times when I wonder where her brains are. And I think she picks up on that impatience and irritation.

 

I admit it - I can be a shrew - esp. when I'm tired (which can be often).

 

I try to have a home inviting to my kid's friends (as someone in the mother/teen daughter thread had wished for). But my health makes it hard for me to be able to have a lot of kids around. I wonder if she (and my ds too) will resent me for it.

 

I don't trust my dd. I don't trust her because she's lied so much to me in the past. But I see the hurt in her eyes when I don't trust her automatically.

 

I do find taking her to the skating rink or a birthday party etc. a chore. I find it so because I can't keep on top of my own tasks and so her urging me to take her to these places seems like just one more thing to cram into my to-do list.

Edited January 4, 2011 by Jean in Newcastle

[Mommyfaithe]

:grouphug:

I am right there with ya. No advice, just :grouphug:'s and commiseration.

 

Faithe

[treestarfae]

Get more sleep. I think it's great that she wants your approval. Have her try Wii fit or an exercise machine so she's not too wound up.

[Karen in CO]

Maybe try to find something the two of you can share that will allow you to relate to her on a more equal level.

 

My sister started doing the paint your own pottery with her teen daughter. It has made a world of difference in their relationship. It is still rocky, but they have a touch point.

 

My son and I recommend books to each other then discuss them together. It is something we have carried into his college years.

 

My dd and dh started taking pottery together - mostly because she wasn't old enough to do it alone. It is time together that allows them to enjoy each other in a more equal way.

 

Find something to do together. You don't have to be a perfect mother.

[Mejane]

:grouphug: My daughter is pulling away a bit at almost 18. First serious boyfriend, trying to make some life decisions... she feels like I'm too much "in her business", but I'm so used to offering advice I can't just flip the off switch, kwim? It's tough. I just plan to push through these years and hopefully we'll end up friends on the other side.

[Mimm]

I was critical of my mother in that thread but one thing that struck me is that we all have those complaints. I think we all feel misunderstood and we all wish things had been different, even those of us who were very close to our moms. One person feels their mother was too controlling, while another feels her mom gave her too much freedom. :p There are no right answers, just moms doing the best we can. And that's what I plan to do. The best I can, with a healthy dose of humility. I can acknowledge to my kids that I'm not a perfect mom, and I think that's important. My mom acknowledging her mistakes did a lot to heal our relationship.

[parias1126]

:grouphug: My daughter is pulling away a bit at almost 18. First serious boyfriend, trying to make some life decisions... she feels like I'm too much "in her business", but I'm so used to offering advice I can't just flip the off switch, kwim? It's tough. I just plan to push through these years and hopefully we'll end up friends on the other side.

This is how it is over here now. Only my DD is 17, has a her first serious boyfriend for almost a year now (she will be 18 next month), and is pregnant (which I have supported all the way through so far even though I was hurt when I found out). I am starting to notice that when she is pulling away though, it always involves the boyfriend or a situation she is dealing with with him.

 

My youngers won't even date until they are 18 or even later. I am not going through this again.

[LisaKinVA]

I'm not one to believe in accidents... you are exactly the mother your dd needs to grow into the person she is to become. Your relationship will look different throughout your life, but you will each grow to be better because of it. :grouphug:

 

My oldest dd is only 9. She and I are really not alike much at all. She is much more "girlie" than I ever was... she is, in fact, quite a bit like my own mother. Very emotional, and prone to extremes. She is a cuddler. She loves arts & crafts, she loves dolls... and has recently begun to love to read (I get that), and she loves to swim (I get that too). There is some common ground on which we can build :D

 

But, she still requires me to bend. I'm far from perfect. I snap about her "not feeling good" more than I'd like (mainly, because she wants lots of snuggle/hugs when she doesn't feel good... and right now that's conflicting with my "wanna be left alone, because I don't feel well, either.) But, I do try.

 

I'm not a perfect mom... but I'm just doing the best I can. And, I am certain of this... my children will have plenty they have plenty to complain about dh and I when they are grown, just as dh and I have plenty to say about our own parents. :D Isn't that a rite of passage?

[Merry]

I made ever so many with my own dd and posted here several times about my problems with her. I was still struggling in our relationship by the time she turned 25. The relationship got really very bad last summer when she picked up a bum of a boyfriend who turned out to be abusive. But when she returned home from college for Christmas, she was a changed person, more like the ten year old girl when we were still good friends. She had met a wonderful Christian guy at college who is a very good influence on her. I met him through Skype and he's truly a good man so we are hoping that something permanent will develop.

 

We are different personalities too with little in common. She also lied a lot and was very strong willed. And I had a husband who was in very bad health for years while she was a teen so I didn't have much time for her. My biggest regret is that I didn't make more of an effort to do the mother/daughter stuff like preparing for the holidays such as Christmas and Easter together, talking about boy/girl relationships, doing cooking and whatever else she wanted to do. It seemed so hard for me to do that due to an ill husband and other problems but still, I just wish I had done those things somehow. She left for college tonight so I at least have sweet memories of our Christmas together.

 

I know you have bad health which makes it so hard, I understand. If I could do it over again, I would have tried to get outside help or something so that I could have had more energy and time for my dd not only for her sake but also for mine:)

[Mejane]

My youngers won't even date until they are 18 or even later. I am not going through this again.

 

:grouphug:

[Sophia]

A lot of what she finds interesting seems frivolous and superficial to me. I listen and pretend to like it for her sake, but I think she knows that I don't really appreciate the same things. And I think that bothers her.

 

 

I grew up with three brothers and thirteen male cousins. I am very comfortable around blunt, unemotional people, lol.

 

Girls have always been a mystery to me~so of course, the Lord gave me three girly girls. Good thing He also gave me lots of love to go with them ;).

 

It has helped me to be honest with them and tell them their interests aren't really my thing, but I love that God has given them a passion for ...dance, music, tea parties, whatever. Because I love them so much it really, really gives me a lot of joy to help them pursue whatever it is that makes them happy (within reason of course.)

 

I don't have great relationship with my mom, but I'm determined to have my daughter's hearts.

 

I tell them it's ok we're not the same, we get to expand each other's worlds that way.

 

:grouphug:

Of course we're going to get irritated with each other sometimes, I think that's just part of being a family.

Knowing when to apologize (without making excuses for ourselves) goes a long way with our dc.

[Sahamamama]

Jean, I know I'm relatively new at this mother thing, but I'm no spring chicken, either (44). Relatively savvy at the daughter thing. ;) Extremely good at manipulating my own mother, too. Even now, I can do it with ease.

 

I think your daughter is hard on you. Reading between the lines, I think she sees your guilt, your frustration with the limitations your poor health places on you, and your self-analysis -- and she knows you are already beating yourself up. And she may actually be shallow. Her interests may actually be frivolous and superficial. Is that okay? I wonder, How can anyone really be frivolous at nine? Aren't they all? LOL.

 

Be sincere. Be real. Say no when you have to. You are giving your children the best life you can give them. They have no reason to "build up resentment" -- that's a selfish concept, anyway, as if you owe them the perfect life. You don't owe it to them, you don't even have it yourself. Your daughter needs to see how you manage the reality of your less-than-perfect world. What do you do, internally, to keep your head above water? Tell her. She needs to know how strong her mother is.

 

:grouphug:

Edited January 4, 2011 by Sahamamama

[SonshineLearner]

Is there a name for our club? My daughter is 12 and it looks like I have a few more years of membership, regardless of the fact that I swore that the "bad mom" club would be one I wouldn't join. I am usually the "worst stupid mom" and every once in a while... I am the "best mom" until I ask something horrible like... "would you pick up your dishes?" Then... I "can't even wait a second!!" and am "joined back up to the 'worst mom club'."

:)

[ThatCyndiGirl]

OP, you are going through a very normal change of life. (not THAT change!) It's time for her to start slowly pulling away and it is unrealistic to think that other moms are SOOOO interested in everything that their dd's are interested in. :grouphug:

[goldberry]

My DD12 and I have totally opposite personalities as well. I find myself grieving sometimes, because all the things I dreamed about sharing with her and passing on to her are gone in the dust! She doesn't give a patooty about ANY of the things I enjoy or want to share.

 

I have ups and downs. When I get in a phase where all I see are the negatives, and start thinking "I don't LIKE you", I have to pull myself away and regroup, and remember how much parenting is about the relationship rather than all those things I am trying to accomplish (make her more responsible, not as lazy, more dependable, etc etc). I have to let go of those things (not stop working on them, but stop the emotional attachment to them) and try to just enjoy her and LISTEN to her and see the good in her.

 

It is a constant battle, because I do better for awhile but then get negative again. Then I go to regroup myself - again! I can really see a difference though when I change my attitude toward her. The way she responds changes almost immediately. So while its hard, I will keep doing it. I won't give up!

 

Just sharing to let you know there is no easy answer, but other moms feel that way too and have to work on it.

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

That feeling is exactly why I didn't post on the other thread. It's so easy to blame everything on Mom. Some children are difficult and will be dissatisfied no matter what you say or do. My Mom is/was not perfect and we disagree on a lot of things, but I know she does her best. The same way I do my best. The same way my child will some day do his best.

 

I have no doubt that you are doing the very best you can. What else can you do?

[Shifra]

:grouphug:

 

I just wanted to pipe in that there was a similar story in the parenting book Liberated Parents, Liberated Children. I found it helpful in dealing with my teenage daughter who has different values and goals than I find appealing (nothing too terrible, just she is more "superficial" than I am and more into peer pressure).

[Sputterduck]

Which thread is this a spinoff of?

[Lostinabook]

That feeling is exactly why I didn't post on the other thread. It's so easy to blame everything on Mom. Some children are difficult and will be dissatisfied no matter what you say or do. My Mom is/was not perfect and we disagree on a lot of things, but I know she does her best. The same way I do my best. The same way my child will some day do his best.

 

I have no doubt that you are doing the very best you can. What else can you do?

 

:iagree:

 

My dd is the kind of person who is never ever satisfied. If I spent a bunch of time with her she'd be posting about how her mom never gave her any space. If I didn't she'd gripe that I didn't spend any time with her ever & that she was sooooooo neglected. If I let her quit music lessons she'd say I should have made her stick it out. If I made her keep on going she'd say I forced her to waste so much time on something she wasn't interested in. And on and on and on....

 

I'm always astonished at how little grace people are willing to extend to others. Were my parents perfect? No. Did they make mistakes? Yes. But they made the choices they felt were right & whatever they did was b/c they loved us & believed they were doing what was best for us. I really, truly hope that my kids are willing to extend grace to dh & me as they move into adulthood, but I'm not really holding my breath on that until they have older kids of their own.

[texasmama]

:grouphug:I have found parenting my oldest girl child so much harder than parenting my boys. Having a girl pushed all of my own girl buttons. In my experience, it does get better. My oldest dd is now 15, and I really enjoy her company. She seems to like me much better than she used to. We had some hard years, and we got some therapy, but we are on the other side, I do believe. Have hope and be encouraged, Jean.:grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug:

I am right there with ya. No advice, just :grouphug:'s and commiseration.

 

Faithe

 

Thanks, Faithe. I'm been in more physical pain in the last few days and that makes me a little bit more emotionally fragile too.

 

Get more sleep. I think it's great that she wants your approval. Have her try Wii fit or an exercise machine so she's not too wound up.

 

I'll try on the sleep. (I am in bed for 8 hours even though pain doesn't always let me sleep for much of it.) She's a very energetic girl who is always working out;)

 

Maybe try to find something the two of you can share that will allow you to relate to her on a more equal level.

 

My sister started doing the paint your own pottery with her teen daughter. It has made a world of difference in their relationship. It is still rocky, but they have a touch point.

 

My son and I recommend books to each other then discuss them together. It is something we have carried into his college years.

 

My dd and dh started taking pottery together - mostly because she wasn't old enough to do it alone. It is time together that allows them to enjoy each other in a more equal way.

 

Find something to do together. You don't have to be a perfect mother.

 

I'll have to see what we can do. I did get her a Hello Kitty scrapbook for Christmas. Maybe we can work on it together.

[ElizabethB]

:grouphug:

 

I think God plans it this way. One of my favorite Christian authors, Catherine Marshall, said something about God using our family to hone us to perfection. (In the melting gold, non fun process sort of way!)

 

My grandma was an ENFP, she drove my ESFJ mom crazy. (But I got along with grandma and some of the things my mom is doing now are things my grandma did when she got older, I always remind my mom that she would have a lot to apologize for if grandma were still alive!)

 

I'm an INTP (which my mom never understood, but my dad did, his personality is similar to mine) and I'm quite sure my daughter will turn out to be something maddening to my personality and vice versa, although she's a bit young to tell yet.

 

I also feel your pain--I used to enjoy crafts, hello kitty, etc. but getting older and allergy issues have made these things not so fun anymore.

 

I also used to wonder as a child how come my mom never wanted to go sledding with us, but now I don't! (I usually pass on the sledding, but I will go occasionally, and I did go snow tubing.)

[Peela]

Maybe it would help to just accept yourself more, your limitations....and then accept her more, too. You can only do what you can do, and I can really relate to the whole having friends over thing, as well as driving them places. I did see it as my job for a long time, since they homeschooled. Now that they can catch public transport it is much easier for me and I often say no.

But some acceptance of your situation- your health, even your perception of your daughter's shallowness- and compassion for yourself, might also help you be a bit easier on her. She is probably doing her best in a situation that she isnt perceiving as ideal, either. Maybe find some common ground and focus on her better side, when you catch yourself being critical.

I think it is sometimes the hardest thing in the world to see the people who are closest to us- our spouses and children and parents- as completely separate human beings with their own character, personality traits, likes and dislikes- and to honour them for beng who they are, instead of wanting them to be different- for us. My kids are definitely shallow. They dont care about saving the environment, about taking care of their grandparents, about starving children in Africa (I know some kids do- mine don't). I cant make them care- they are who they are. They do care about their friends, they do care about me, they do care about each other sometimes....we work with what we have. They see me caring though, and their dad...maybe it is planting seeds in there somewhere that life will water one day.

I tihnk who we are and how we live probably makes more impact on our kids than what we say, anyway.

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug: My daughter is pulling away a bit at almost 18. First serious boyfriend, trying to make some life decisions... she feels like I'm too much "in her business", but I'm so used to offering advice I can't just flip the off switch, kwim? It's tough. I just plan to push through these years and hopefully we'll end up friends on the other side.

 

:grouphug:

 

I was critical of my mother in that thread but one thing that struck me is that we all have those complaints. I think we all feel misunderstood and we all wish things had been different, even those of us who were very close to our moms. One person feels their mother was too controlling, while another feels her mom gave her too much freedom. :p There are no right answers, just moms doing the best we can. And that's what I plan to do. The best I can, with a healthy dose of humility. I can acknowledge to my kids that I'm not a perfect mom, and I think that's important. My mom acknowledging her mistakes did a lot to heal our relationship.

 

Yes, you're right. We can only do our best.

 

This is how it is over here now. Only my DD is 17, has a her first serious boyfriend for almost a year now (she will be 18 next month), and is pregnant (which I have supported all the way through so far even though I was hurt when I found out). I am starting to notice that when she is pulling away though, it always involves the boyfriend or a situation she is dealing with with him.

 

My youngers won't even date until they are 18 or even later. I am not going through this again.

 

:grouphug:

 

I'm not one to believe in accidents... you are exactly the mother your dd needs to grow into the person she is to become. Your relationship will look different throughout your life, but you will each grow to be better because of it. :grouphug:

 

My oldest dd is only 9. She and I are really not alike much at all. She is much more "girlie" than I ever was... she is, in fact, quite a bit like my own mother. Very emotional, and prone to extremes. She is a cuddler. She loves arts & crafts, she loves dolls... and has recently begun to love to read (I get that), and she loves to swim (I get that too). There is some common ground on which we can build :D

 

But, she still requires me to bend. I'm far from perfect. I snap about her "not feeling good" more than I'd like (mainly, because she wants lots of snuggle/hugs when she doesn't feel good... and right now that's conflicting with my "wanna be left alone, because I don't feel well, either.) But, I do try.

 

I'm not a perfect mom... but I'm just doing the best I can. And, I am certain of this... my children will have plenty they have plenty to complain about dh and I when they are grown, just as dh and I have plenty to say about our own parents. :D Isn't that a rite of passage?

 

Lisa, thank you for pointing out that my being dd9's mom is not an accident. You are so right in that.

[bluemongoose]

I posted a long list on that thread. I do have a very rocky relationship with my mom...but what you are saying OP in your post is night and day different than what I experienced.

 

First of, your health is not always great...there was a time when my mothers wasnt as well. It was temporary, but non of my resentment comes from that time. We all as a family tightened our belts and worked together during that time. I worked even harder than I already did, but I didnt feel anything but bad for my mom who was in pain. I think there is a difference.

 

Second, you do give your time to listen to your DD, you said so yourself. That is something totally different than what I experienced. It isnt so much that I expected everything that I said to my mom would be something she would love to hear about, it was that she flat out told me she had no time to listen to me at all. When that is said repeatedly, it does cause a problem. Everyone just wants their time to be heard...even if the listener isnt as interested in the topic as the sharer.

 

Third, when I talked about mom feeling like time with me was a chore...I meant that if I spent a lot of time practicing and was preforming in a concert, she didnt want to come see it. I find most moms are proud of their child's efforts and take pictures! Also, I agree with others about the mom and daughter time. You dont have to be similar as far as personality...it could be as simple as a mom and daughter date in bed while you relax with popcorn and a chic flick. I would have eaten that kind of thing up and felt very special!

 

Fourth, I would expect that most kids would know that mom being the taxi to their friends birthday party would not be the hight of moms fun list. I would even expect mom to see it as just one more thing to do, after all no mom is superwoman! I dont think she will think ill of you for that, unless you gripe about it all the way there and back :tongue_smilie:. This is not the same thing as the paragraph above.

 

Fifth, pretty much all kids go through the "you're the best mom" and the "you're the worst mom ever!" My dd does this already and she is only 6. It is just to get you to bend in their favor or to express frustration.

 

 

I know that my input into that other thread was negative...I am pretty sure that I even said so in my post. I think the difference between my mom and many others is that she didnt even try to reach out to me, in fact most of the time she made an effort to push me away. It also would be an easier pill to swallow if she apologized for it. She was not sorry however, she just said she didnt really plan on having me anyway, that I was an accident. She is different now, a much better person in a lot of ways, and she wants to be more involved in some ways in my life. The trouble is she would like to pretend that nothing ever happened "back then". It just isnt easy for me to go from the old her and the old mistrust in our relationship to the new her and let her in. Trust me, I dont think you can even compare to her....you are not a mom like mine was---even when you are having a bad day!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I made ever so many with my own dd and posted here several times about my problems with her. I was still struggling in our relationship by the time she turned 25. The relationship got really very bad last summer when she picked up a bum of a boyfriend who turned out to be abusive. But when she returned home from college for Christmas, she was a changed person, more like the ten year old girl when we were still good friends. She had met a wonderful Christian guy at college who is a very good influence on her. I met him through Skype and he's truly a good man so we are hoping that something permanent will develop.

 

We are different personalities too with little in common. She also lied a lot and was very strong willed. And I had a husband who was in very bad health for years while she was a teen so I didn't have much time for her. My biggest regret is that I didn't make more of an effort to do the mother/daughter stuff like preparing for the holidays such as Christmas and Easter together, talking about boy/girl relationships, doing cooking and whatever else she wanted to do. It seemed so hard for me to do that due to an ill husband and other problems but still, I just wish I had done those things somehow. She left for college tonight so I at least have sweet memories of our Christmas together.

 

I know you have bad health which makes it so hard, I understand. If I could do it over again, I would have tried to get outside help or something so that I could have had more energy and time for my dd not only for her sake but also for mine:)

 

I do make an effort. I just wish that it didn't have to be such an effort, you know?

 

I grew up with three brothers and thirteen male cousins. I am very comfortable around blunt, unemotional people, lol.

 

Girls have always been a mystery to me~so of course, the Lord gave me three girly girls. Good thing He also gave me lots of love to go with them ;).

 

It has helped me to be honest with them and tell them their interests aren't really my thing, but I love that God has given them a passion for ...dance, music, tea parties, whatever. Because I love them so much it really, really gives me a lot of joy to help them pursue whatever it is that makes them happy (within reason of course.)

 

I don't have great relationship with my mom, but I'm determined to have my daughter's hearts.

 

I tell them it's ok we're not the same, we get to expand each other's worlds that way.

 

:grouphug:

Of course we're going to get irritated with each other sometimes, I think that's just part of being a family.

Knowing when to apologize (without making excuses for ourselves) goes a long way with our dc.

 

Thanks, Sophia. I do need to be reminded that it's ok not to be the same.

 

Jean, I know I'm relatively new at this mother thing, but I'm no spring chicken, either (44). Relatively savvy at the daughter thing. ;) Extremely good at manipulating my own mother, too. Even now, I can do it with ease.

 

I think your daughter is hard on you. Reading between the lines, I think she sees your guilt, your frustration with the limitations your poor health places on you, and your self-analysis -- and she knows you are already beating yourself up. And she may actually be shallow. Her interests may actually be frivolous and superficial. Is that okay? I wonder, How can anyone really be frivolous at nine? Aren't they all? LOL.

 

Be sincere. Be real. Say no when you have to. You are giving your children the best life you can give them. They have no reason to "build up resentment" -- that's a selfish concept, anyway, as if you owe them the perfect life. You don't owe it to them, you don't even have it yourself. Your daughter needs to see how you manage the reality of your less-than-perfect world. What do you do, internally, to keep your head above water? Tell her. She needs to know how strong her mother is.

 

:grouphug:

 

Oh my goodness! Do you know my daughter? She is hard on me. My son is always hugging me and reassuring me. My daughter is asking me why I'm not doing more for her.

 

Is there a name for our club? My daughter is 12 and it looks like I have a few more years of membership, regardless of the fact that I swore that the "bad mom" club would be one I wouldn't join. I am usually the "worst stupid mom" and every once in a while... I am the "best mom" until I ask something horrible like... "would you pick up your dishes?" Then... I "can't even wait a second!!" and am "joined back up to the 'worst mom club'."

:)

 

"Worst Mom Club" sounds like a good name to me. . .

[Jean in Newcastle]

OP, you are going through a very normal change of life. (not THAT change!) It's time for her to start slowly pulling away and it is unrealistic to think that other moms are SOOOO interested in everything that their dd's are interested in. :grouphug:

 

Well, I'm probably starting to go through the other change too:tongue_smilie: Yea, I guess she will be pulling away more. . .

 

My DD12 and I have totally opposite personalities as well. I find myself grieving sometimes, because all the things I dreamed about sharing with her and passing on to her are gone in the dust! She doesn't give a patooty about ANY of the things I enjoy or want to share.

 

I have ups and downs. When I get in a phase where all I see are the negatives, and start thinking "I don't LIKE you", I have to pull myself away and regroup, and remember how much parenting is about the relationship rather than all those things I am trying to accomplish (make her more responsible, not as lazy, more dependable, etc etc). I have to let go of those things (not stop working on them, but stop the emotional attachment to them) and try to just enjoy her and LISTEN to her and see the good in her.

 

It is a constant battle, because I do better for awhile but then get negative again. Then I go to regroup myself - again! I can really see a difference though when I change my attitude toward her. The way she responds changes almost immediately. So while its hard, I will keep doing it. I won't give up!

 

Just sharing to let you know there is no easy answer, but other moms feel that way too and have to work on it.

 

Thank you. I won't give up either.

 

That feeling is exactly why I didn't post on the other thread. It's so easy to blame everything on Mom. Some children are difficult and will be dissatisfied no matter what you say or do. My Mom is/was not perfect and we disagree on a lot of things, but I know she does her best. The same way I do my best. The same way my child will some day do his best.

 

I have no doubt that you are doing the very best you can. What else can you do?

 

Yea - I just need to keep on doing my best.

 

:grouphug:

 

I just wanted to pipe in that there was a similar story in the parenting book Liberated Parents, Liberated Children. I found it helpful in dealing with my teenage daughter who has different values and goals than I find appealing (nothing too terrible, just she is more "superficial" than I am and more into peer pressure).

 

I'll have to look for this book.

[BMW]

Dear, sweet Jean, :grouphug:!!!

 

Love.

 

Just love.

 

Be who you are, but love.

 

When you are tired or really cannot say yes, say no and love.

 

She might not receive the love. She might not like it at all. But one day she will know and she will look back. In the end, when we cover everything with love, we wont be sorry.

 

Have no apologies. You have limitations. But, your dd is immature! She cannot possibly understand what you face. Give it your best. Take these cares to your Heavenly Father and pour them out. Then, just love. Without apology.

 

:)

 

And one day, she will look back and she will get it. She will understand and have the maturity to appreciate what you did do.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Which thread is this a spinoff of?

 

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=234297

 

:iagree:

 

My dd is the kind of person who is never ever satisfied. If I spent a bunch of time with her she'd be posting about how her mom never gave her any space. If I didn't she'd gripe that I didn't spend any time with her ever & that she was sooooooo neglected. If I let her quit music lessons she'd say I should have made her stick it out. If I made her keep on going she'd say I forced her to waste so much time on something she wasn't interested in. And on and on and on....

 

I'm always astonished at how little grace people are willing to extend to others. Were my parents perfect? No. Did they make mistakes? Yes. But they made the choices they felt were right & whatever they did was b/c they loved us & believed they were doing what was best for us. I really, truly hope that my kids are willing to extend grace to dh & me as they move into adulthood, but I'm not really holding my breath on that until they have older kids of their own.

 

Yes - my daughter is never satisfied. The other day we went to the mall. She wanted to buy a nice skirt for Christmas. Since she needed one, I agreed. By the end of the evening she had her nice skirt but she was crying and so upset at me because once we got the skirt, it wasn't enough. She "had" to have two other sparkly dresses she saw while we were shopping. I didn't get them for her so now I was the "evil Mommy who never gives her anything".

 

:grouphug:I have found parenting my oldest girl child so much harder than parenting my boys. Having a girl pushed all of my own girl buttons. In my experience, it does get better. My oldest dd is now 15, and I really enjoy her company. She seems to like me much better than she used to. We had some hard years, and we got some therapy, but we are on the other side, I do believe. Have hope and be encouraged, Jean.:grouphug:

 

Thank you. She does push all my buttons!

 

:grouphug:

 

I think God plans it this way. One of my favorite Christian authors, Catherine Marshall, said something about God using our family to hone us to perfection. (In the melting gold, non fun process sort of way!)

 

My grandma was an ENFP, she drove my ESFJ mom crazy. (But I got along with grandma and some of the things my mom is doing now are things my grandma did when she got older, I always remind my mom that she would have a lot to apologize for if grandma were still alive!)

 

I'm an INTP (which my mom never understood, but my dad did, his personality is similar to mine) and I'm quite sure my daughter will turn out to be something maddening to my personality and vice versa, although she's a bit young to tell yet.

 

I also feel your pain--I used to enjoy crafts, hello kitty, etc. but getting older and allergy issues have made these things not so fun anymore.

 

I also used to wonder as a child how come my mom never wanted to go sledding with us, but now I don't! (I usually pass on the sledding, but I will go occasionally, and I did go snow tubing.)

 

Yes - she is so much more like my dh. I was happy when he took her ice skating tonight. It wasn't that I didn't want to go but cold makes my pain so much worse. And she got a nice memory with Daddy.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Maybe it would help to just accept yourself more, your limitations....and then accept her more, too. You can only do what you can do, and I can really relate to the whole having friends over thing, as well as driving them places. I did see it as my job for a long time, since they homeschooled. Now that they can catch public transport it is much easier for me and I often say no.

But some acceptance of your situation- your health, even your perception of your daughter's shallowness- and compassion for yourself, might also help you be a bit easier on her. She is probably doing her best in a situation that she isnt perceiving as ideal, either. Maybe find some common ground and focus on her better side, when you catch yourself being critical.

I think it is sometimes the hardest thing in the world to see the people who are closest to us- our spouses and children and parents- as completely separate human beings with their own character, personality traits, likes and dislikes- and to honour them for beng who they are, instead of wanting them to be different- for us. My kids are definitely shallow. They dont care about saving the environment, about taking care of their grandparents, about starving children in Africa (I know some kids do- mine don't). I cant make them care- they are who they are. They do care about their friends, they do care about me, they do care about each other sometimes....we work with what we have. They see me caring though, and their dad...maybe it is planting seeds in there somewhere that life will water one day.

I tihnk who we are and how we live probably makes more impact on our kids than what we say, anyway.

 

Thank you, Peela. You're right that I need to accept myself and my dd. I also realize that she will probably change quite a bit since she's only 9! I'm hoping in that time to have more impact on her.

 

I posted a long list on that thread. I do have a very rocky relationship with my mom...but what you are saying OP in your post is night and day different than what I experienced.

 

First of, your health is not always great...there was a time when my mothers wasnt as well. It was temporary, but non of my resentment comes from that time. We all as a family tightened our belts and worked together during that time. I worked even harder than I already did, but I didnt feel anything but bad for my mom who was in pain. I think there is a difference.

 

Second, you do give your time to listen to your DD, you said so yourself. That is something totally different than what I experienced. It isnt so much that I expected everything that I said to my mom would be something she would love to hear about, it was that she flat out told me she had no time to listen to me at all. When that is said repeatedly, it does cause a problem. Everyone just wants their time to be heard...even if the listener isnt as interested in the topic as the sharer.

 

Third, when I talked about mom feeling like time with me was a chore...I meant that if I spent a lot of time practicing and was preforming in a concert, she didnt want to come see it. I find most moms are proud of their child's efforts and take pictures! Also, I agree with others about the mom and daughter time. You dont have to be similar as far as personality...it could be as simple as a mom and daughter date in bed while you relax with popcorn and a chic flick. I would have eaten that kind of thing up and felt very special!

 

Fourth, I would expect that most kids would know that mom being the taxi to their friends birthday party would not be the hight of moms fun list. I would even expect mom to see it as just one more thing to do, after all no mom is superwoman! I dont think she will think ill of you for that, unless you gripe about it all the way there and back :tongue_smilie:. This is not the same thing as the paragraph above.

 

Fifth, pretty much all kids go through the "you're the best mom" and the "you're the worst mom ever!" My dd does this already and she is only 6. It is just to get you to bend in their favor or to express frustration.

 

 

I know that my input into that other thread was negative...I am pretty sure that I even said so in my post. I think the difference between my mom and many others is that she didnt even try to reach out to me, in fact most of the time she made an effort to push me away. It also would be an easier pill to swallow if she apologized for it. She was not sorry however, she just said she didnt really plan on having me anyway, that I was an accident. She is different now, a much better person in a lot of ways, and she wants to be more involved in some ways in my life. The trouble is she would like to pretend that nothing ever happened "back then". It just isnt easy for me to go from the old her and the old mistrust in our relationship to the new her and let her in. Trust me, I dont think you can even compare to her....you are not a mom like mine was---even when you are having a bad day!

 

Thank you, for your thoughtful post. It made me feel a whole lot better.:)

 

Dear, sweet Jean, :grouphug:!!!

 

Love.

 

Just love.

 

Be who you are, but love.

 

When you are tired or really cannot say yes, say no and love.

 

She might not receive the love. She might not like it at all. But one day she will know and she will look back. In the end, when we cover everything with love, we wont be sorry.

 

Have no apologies. You have limitations. But, your dd is immature! She cannot possibly understand what you face. Give it your best. Take these cares to your Heavenly Father and pour them out. Then, just love. Without apology.

 

:)

 

And one day, she will look back and she will get it. She will understand and have the maturity to appreciate what you did do.

 

Thank you, Bee. You're right. I do need to love. Sometimes I just don't "feel the love", you know?:lol:

[Natalieclare]

Just about to write you a nice long post, but the baby started crying. ARG!

 

Real quick about not sharing interests: Quit faking! Smile and encourage her and be perfectly up front that you support her, but just can't enter into it yourself. It will be ok. Gosh, if I based my relationships with my dds on our shared interestes, we'd be in a world of hurt.

 

I hate to write; I don't care two whoots about horses; debating is boring to me; I think their fashion sense is...laughable (think: little match girl chic); I'm no artist or poet; and I know I will seem like less than human to many here, but I don't even like dogs. Yet all those things are the world of my dds, who happen to share many of the same interests. I'm so glad they don't leave me out, even though I roll my eyes at some of the things that float their boats. I think they don't leave me out because I never bothered to pretend I liked what I didn't. But they have always known I wanted to fan their flames.

 

So I say, quit feeling guilty! (oh dear, here I am telling you how to feel...;). Just stop it, right? :glare:) You can be a fan of her, even if you are bored to tears with whatever her latest interest is. You are encouraging her in her gymnastics and other things I am sure. When she is still not satisfied, just tell her it's your job to provide fodder for her tell-all novel she's going to write as a grown-up. When she's still not satisfied, remember Amy in Orlando's advice to Be The Iceberg.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Thanks, Natalie. You're right. I do need to be honest with her even while I'm cheering her on. (I like your dd's little match girl chic. I wish I was skinny enough to pull it off. . .)

[Abigail4476]

When my oldest daughter was about 10 or 11, she started pulling away from me. (Even physically--she still doesn't really like hugs--which hurt my feelings immensely, although I've done my best not to let it show)

 

She's 15 1/2 now, and I can say that I see glimmers of the child I remember peeking through the teenage armor. Patience is key, as is balancing leniency with not allowing yourself to be manipulated by teenage hormones and boundary pushing. The best advice I can give (since we're only halfway there) is to seize the positive moments when you can find them. When your daughter is feeling talkative, or she wants to spend time with you or she's decided she does want to share one of her interests with you, don't let that pass you by. Take time for her. Be genuinely interested in her even if you are bored with the particulars of what interests her. I don't share my dd15's interest in horses, but I appreciate the excitement in her voice when she talks about the neighbor's horse running to the fence for an apple. I can beam proudly and be adequately impressed when she articulately discusses all things equine with her Dad at the dinner table.

 

Overall, she's a strong, independent, out-spoken, responsible kid, which is what I want her to be.

 

Look at the big picture; even if you have personality clashes, as long as your child is succeeding at growing up and into their potential, someone is doing their job correctly. For a homeschooling mother, that's a lot of success to pin on your lapel. And the relationship will change into something more palatable at some point. At least, that's what I'm hoping, and what seems to be on the horizon in our house. :) In spite of the aversion to hugs, she'll snuggle next to me on the couch, request a back rub, or ask if we can stop at Starbuck's. Right now, I take what I can get. I figure the rest will work itself out later.

 

A note about the scheduling and skating - my daughters both nag and whine about going to this friend's house or that one, or going to this youth function or the next; I'm a stickler about keeping things as predictable as possible, even in a house with two teenage girls. They are limited to one friend over OR going to one friend's house per month, and they can attend one youth function a month in addition to our regular church services. We simply don't have time for more than that, and since they aren't old enough to date, there's no need for more socializing at this point. Summertime is the time to fill the social quota, and even summer has its reasonable limits. Saying no doesn't make anyone a bad parent, and having a predictable schedule provides more comfort for children--even teenagers--than they will be willing to admit. (The confession will come later, when they organize their own households and make their own kids go to bed at 8:30. :D)

[goldberry]

 

My dd is the kind of person who is never ever satisfied. If I spent a bunch of time with her she'd be posting about how her mom never gave her any space. If I didn't she'd gripe that I didn't spend any time with her ever & that she was sooooooo neglected. If I let her quit music lessons she'd say I should have made her stick it out. If I made her keep on going she'd say I forced her to waste so much time on something she wasn't interested in. And on and on and on....

 

I'm always astonished at how little grace people are willing to extend to others. Were my parents perfect? No. Did they make mistakes? Yes. But they made the choices they felt were right & whatever they did was b/c they loved us & believed they were doing what was best for us. I really, truly hope that my kids are willing to extend grace to dh & me as they move into adulthood, but I'm not really holding my breath on that until they have older kids of their own.

 

:iagree: What is up with that??

 

The other day (we were on winter break, no school) we got up and had a nice breakfast together, DD wanted to show me some things on a computer game she plays. I have absolutely no interest, but I sat with her for about 30-45 minutes and looked at it with her. After that, we made cookies together in the kitchen. That afternoon, her dad went outside with her and they sledded.

 

That night, she wanted us to watch a movie together. Dad had other things to do, and I wasn't really in the mood for a movie, so I suggested she just watch it herself. Meltdown. "I just wanted us to spend time as a family, and nobody ever wants to do that". ??????

 

We had spent most of the day doing things as a family! We spend more time DOING things as a family than most families I've seen. Yet she has this perception when the one time we don't want to do something, that we don't ever do it.

 

This worries me...because I know perception is reality to her. I just don't know where the heck her reality comes from!

[Sahamamama]

The other day we went to the mall. She wanted to buy a nice skirt for Christmas. Since she needed one, I agreed. By the end of the evening she had her nice skirt but she was crying and so upset at me because once we got the skirt, it wasn't enough. She "had" to have two other sparkly dresses she saw while we were shopping. I didn't get them for her so now I was the "evil Mommy who never gives her anything".

 

That's when I would have gone back to the skirt store... and returned the skirt. Seriously. I would have.

[elfgivas]

we have 4 dds, 27, 24, 12 and 10.

 

for all of them, one of the things i say repeatedly is

"my job is to help you help yourself become a healthy, happy, functioning adult".

 

so if they like something healthy, i help with that. if they like something unhealthy, they are just out of luck.

 

re the skirt: i'd have a chat/lecture about how "things" don't make us happy.

and about how once she is older, if she works hard at school now then she will have a good job and can buy all the sparkly dresses she wants. but now, in the real world, there are 4 people to feed, house and clothe, and sparkly dresses aren't way up there on the priority list. and if you have television, i'd get rid of it. it makes "wants" into "needs" so quickly.

 

hth,

ann

[Mejane]

 

Oh my goodness! Do you know my daughter? She is hard on me. My son is always hugging me and reassuring me. My daughter is asking me why I'm not doing more for her.

 

 

 

 

 

This is my kids to a T. Which makes me think it's not so much ME as it is HER. Because if I was the complete wretch she makes me out to be, he wouldn't like me either, right? ;)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Look at the big picture; even if you have personality clashes, as long as your child is succeeding at growing up and into their potential, someone is doing their job correctly. For a homeschooling mother, that's a lot of success to pin on your lapel.

 

Saying no doesn't make anyone a bad parent, and having a predictable schedule provides more comfort for children--even teenagers--than they will be willing to admit. (The confession will come later, when they organize their own households and make their own kids go to bed at 8:30. :D)

 

She's still young enough that I don't know if I'm succeeding yet. And I see some of the selfishness and the Diva like behavior and then I really start to wonder. . .

 

 

That night, she wanted us to watch a movie together. Dad had other things to do, and I wasn't really in the mood for a movie, so I suggested she just watch it herself. Meltdown. "I just wanted us to spend time as a family, and nobody ever wants to do that". ??????

 

We had spent most of the day doing things as a family! We spend more time DOING things as a family than most families I've seen. Yet she has this perception when the one time we don't want to do something, that we don't ever do it.

 

This worries me...because I know perception is reality to her. I just don't know where the heck her reality comes from!

 

You have my daughter. Sometimes I wonder if we've been sharing the same timezone because her perception of what just happened, is so different from mine!

 

That's when I would have gone back to the skirt store... and returned the skirt. Seriously. I would have.

 

Yea - I'm realizing that I'm going to have to start setting some much tighter boundaries for this girl at least at this time. Of course, that's going to go over like a lead balloon. . .

 

we have 4 dds, 27, 24, 12 and 10.

 

for all of them, one of the things i say repeatedly is

"my job is to help you help yourself become a healthy, happy, functioning adult".

 

so if they like something healthy, i help with that. if they like something unhealthy, they are just out of luck.

 

re the skirt: i'd have a chat/lecture about how "things" don't make us happy.

and about how once she is older, if she works hard at school now then she will have a good job and can buy all the sparkly dresses she wants. but now, in the real world, there are 4 people to feed, house and clothe, and sparkly dresses aren't way up there on the priority list. and if you have television, i'd get rid of it. it makes "wants" into "needs" so quickly.

 

hth,

ann

 

Actually, I don't think it is the tv (which we hardly watch). I think it is the little 6 year old Diva next door. I've curtailed their play time much more lately. I've also heard on the neighborhood grapevine that they are thinking about moving. I'm very quietly hoping that it will be soon.

 

This is my kids to a T. Which makes me think it's not so much ME as it is HER. Because if I was the complete wretch she makes me out to be, he wouldn't like me either, right? ;)

 

Yes. I've wondered how I can be such a good mom to one kid and such a bad one to the next. . .