Saturday my aunts, sis-n-law and cousins are going through my moms things..

[QuirkyKapers]

This has been a very emotional week. It has been almost 3 months since my mom died. Saturday is going to be very tough. Trying to make sure there is a system that is fair for all involved has been draining. Facing the reality that my mom truly is gone has been draining.

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry.

[MariannNOVA]

I am so sorry - that has got to be so tough. I remember the same thing with my aunt (my mom's sister) and with my dad.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Leonor]

I'm so sorry. Praying for you.:grouphug:

[mom4him]

:grouphug:I totally understand.

[hsbaby]

I am so sorry. We had to spend a day going through my grandma's things a few years ago. It was really hard on my mom. The one positive is that we were able to spend time together talking about her....even sharing a few laughs when we came across something that brought back memories of funny things she did/bought/said. I hope the same for you.:grouphug:

[Jenny Piaaree]

I'm sorry. It's hard. I hope it goes well for you. :grouphug:

[QuirkyKapers]

Thanks all! I am off to pick up my sil from the airport. I will be truly grateful when this weekend comes to a close.

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[plain jane]

:grouphug: I'm sorry you're hurting so. :grouphug:

[unsinkable]

:grouphug:

 

That is really tough.

 

DH has been in some pain because he found out his brothers and sisters went thru his parents' house and took whatever they wanted. No one told him it was some kind of free-for-all grabfest.

 

There aren't many "things" he wanted. He just thought everyone would have sat down and talked about it together.

 

I hope your weekend isn't too bad.

[holdoll]

So sorry you have to go through this. :grouphug: Hope it goes fast and without incident.

[QuirkyKapers]

Thank God, weekend over! I give Thank God the weekend is done! My dad appreciated all the hard work. Overall, things went all right. There were some dramatic moments. However, Not all people have walked away feeling good about the weekend.

 

My sil and I had moved items like clothes, decorative pillows, decorative dishes, vases etc to basement. The plan was mom mom's youngest sister goes first to pick item, than middle sister, the older sister, than the cousins. We didn't get the craft stuff or kitchen stuff moved downstairs and still needed to sort everything out in those rooms. We got there an hour early before others were due to arrive on saturday. The youngest sister came to help. Unfortunately, we hadn't gotten everything sorted out when other aunts arrived. So, middle aunt became involved and it got complicated. She kept saying what about this item, oh I would like that item. I kept saying everything goes to the basement. No, not that item. No, not that item.....

 

Ugh. In the meantime my sil and youngest sister (aunt) moved into craft room to began sorting. There was so much stuff, I kid you not. If I had taken everything, I wouldn't have needed to buy crafts for the rest of my life. Sometime in the process, my cousin came in. She is the daughter of the youngest sister who was in the room. She started looking at items. I came in and we started picking out items. My sil and I hadn't been through the stuff so we went through it. Of course, since we are directly related to mom, it was understood that we got first pick. Than middle aunt comes in and is looking. Unfortunately, I totally wasn't thinking, Oh, we need to have everyone in here and take turns picking. There was so. much. crap. My middle aunt keep saying let me see, I would pass her stuff, but she didn't move up herself to get anything. My cousin was in the way. My middle aunt didn't ask cousin to move over. I didn't think about having aunt move over. Middle aunt leaves. I leave soon after. I couldn't take all. the. stuff. (I have adhd and this just put me over the top).

 

I also searched for over and hour for my mom's old teddy bear that older sister had asked for. I never found out. Than in talking to the daughter of older sister about not being able to find it, she informs me her mom no longer wants it. I asked why didn't she tell me! Well, apparently it was too emotional for her to talk about. So, I went downstairs and told her I understand she doesn't want the teddy bear and it is fine, I just wish she had told me sooner since I have been looking for it for over an hour. Never found teddy.

 

Than my middle aunt, gets mad at older aunt who can't get around like she used to since her stroke, because she put together a box in the basement (box had items like makeup remover pads, cottonelle wipes, etc. ) Because we weren't supposed to start. She was upset because older sister told middle sister she shouldn't be collecting items yet. Middle sister had two decorative cobalt blue glass blown balls in her box. Middle sister comes up and tells me, it is beginning. I knew this would happen. I assured her we would work everything out.

 

We finally get to basement, I had decided that people would take turns picking items and went from the youngest sister to oldest than the cousins. I also started with a disclaimer that relationships are more important than whatever is in basement, so please lets remember that. If two people want the same item, talk it out. I told them the piece could go in time out :D. It was going well until my cousin was picking something out, asked my aunt a question, aunt answered. Cousin picked something other than that item. When my aunts turn came around, she picked up the item my cousin had asked about. Than my cousin put back the previous item she had picked and leaves and goes upstairs. I go up. Cousin in mad at aunt for what she did. She didn't really want vase. It is the principal of what happened. She decides she is not going to pick anything until everyone else is finished. We go down. Everyone was waiting for cousin to take her turn before proceeding. I let everyone know cousins wishes and ask if everyone is ok with it. They all agree. Although not without expressing they aren't happy about decision.

 

Ok- Let me just stop right here. I should have had cousin and middle aunt talk about vase. I didn't. Now, it is a point of contention.

 

There is also fall out from the craft room. Middle aunt is upset because things were chosen and taken out to car. I was part of this. She thought we were sorting and when she came back up everything was out. Except for the fact that while I was in there I kept putting things in middle aunts pile. There was also plenty of scrapbooking paper left over that I gave to her. Everything, stamps for stamping, there were at least 25 and scrapbook paper. I knew aunt was upset, but didn't realize why. My cousin had left earlier for a bridal shower. So, I couldn't go back and reverse anything. I offered that my aunt go to my car and pick whatever scrapbook item she wanted. She refused. So, I picked out some paper and made her take it.

 

Again. I should have followed the plan, take turns picking. I dropped the ball. Now, my aunt is upset. She got the leftovers.

 

My sil and I had to leave since I had told my dad we would see his new office and go out to eat with him. I had to be at a hockey game by 7:30. I had no idea it would take so long. I left youngest aunt in charge. Apparently, middle aunt tried making off with something in kitchen that I said was off limits and youngest aunt put a stop to it.

 

So, my middle aunt wrote an apology letter to everyone. In talking with aunts afterwards, they are upset with middle aunts behavior.

 

I am not sure if I should send out my own letter, acknowledging where I dropped the ball or just let. it. go.

 

Sorry it is so long. Thanks for letting me vent. I didn't want this to be this way.

Edited December 6, 2010 by QuirkyKapers

[CalicoKat]

I am so sorry. We had to spend a day going through my grandma's things a few years ago. It was really hard on my mom. The one positive is that we were able to spend time together talking about her....even sharing a few laughs when we came across something that brought back memories of funny things she did/bought/said. I hope the same for you.:grouphug:

 

Agree many good memories we shared and a few belly laughs too. Gma knitted personal gifts for gpa. My dad got that drawer and we thought he was having a heart attack. We'd never seen my dad blush, gasp, and laugh so hard he had tears and could't breathe! Good memories. It's all part of the grieving process

[dirty ethel rackham]

I am so sorry for your loss and am praying for the strength to face what is ahead.

 

My mom died a year ago, last Thursday. We had to empty her apartment a week after she died because she lived in a retirement community and we didn't want to pay the next month's sizable fee AND that was the only time my siblings could be there before the next payment was due. It was awful. I was sick to my stomach to see most of my mom's possessions leaving in garbage bags to be brought to the St. Vincent dePaul society. While I was glad that needy people would benefit, I had to leave several times to pull myself together. My sisters finally plopped me in a corner with the boxes of photographs so I could pull together a display for the wake. I think I was more bothered by the fact that my sisters were so unemotional about the whole thing.

 

We still have several boxes of her things at my brother's house that we need to go through. I am still not ready.

 

I hope that you can take the time to grieve.

[Catwoman]

:grouphug:

 

Rebecca, just let it go. You were already generous enough to share your mom's things with aunts and cousins. If things didn't go 100% according to plan, well, that's unfortunate but not altogether unexpected. Things happen when "stuff" is involved. It wasn't your responsibility to herd the relatives and make sure everyone played nicely together.

 

This was your mom's stuff. Everyone should have been going out of their way to do what you wanted and to make the weekend easier for you, not the other way around.

 

Forget about writing a letter. It's over and done. You did your best under difficult circumstances, and fwiw, I think you did a great job.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Cat

[hsmom]

I feel for you. We went through this a 6 yrs ago with dhs mom. We were out of state and by the time we got there, not even 24 hrs later his siblings stole everything she had they wanted. Then when it came to dividing the rest up they complained because they did not get anything! It was sad. We finally had to tell everyone that she did not die just for them to have stuff and they needed to leave. We packed it all up took it home and went through it. We made up boxes for everyone. Some came to get theirs others did not. In the end it was not worth the pain. It was way too much drama for simple objects.

 

We gave all the pictures to her mom (grandma) and grandma went through all them and made boxes for everyone. Well grandma died shortly after this. The siblings went into grandmas house and stole all her stuff including all the family pictures. Dh now doesn't have but 4 pictures of his mom and childhood. The refuse to give us the pictures. They are the only thing he wanted from his mom or grandmother.

 

I would not write the letter. You were generous enough allowing them to come and pick. You did your part now it is time for you to start healing and not having to worry about anyone being upset.

[Pippen]

:grouphug:

[Unicorn.]

:grouphug:

 

Rebecca, just let it go. You were already generous enough to share your mom's things with aunts and cousins. If things didn't go 100% according to plan, well, that's unfortunate but not altogether unexpected. Things happen when "stuff" is involved. It wasn't your responsibility to herd the relatives and make sure everyone played nicely together.

 

This was your mom's stuff. Everyone should have been going out of their way to do what you wanted and to make the weekend easier for you, not the other way around.

 

Forget about writing a letter. It's over and done. You did your best under difficult circumstances, and fwiw, I think you did a great job.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Cat

 

:iagree: BTDT too many times to count. Grandparents, aunts/uncles, and my mom. This kind of stuff happens every. single. time. Let it go. People get weird when they grieve. They get hung up on stuff, because they don't want to let go of the person. They will have to work out their own relationship and anger issues. You need to focus on yourself, and your own grief. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug:

[Little Nyssa]

:grouphug:

We went through my Grandma's things like this: we (the 5 female relatives) sat with her jewelry box and went round in a circle, each choosing one thing, til they were all gone.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:I'm so sorry.:grouphug:

[Sun]

:grouphug:

 

Rebecca, just let it go. You were already generous enough to share your mom's things with aunts and cousins. If things didn't go 100% according to plan, well, that's unfortunate but not altogether unexpected. Things happen when "stuff" is involved. It wasn't your responsibility to herd the relatives and make sure everyone played nicely together.

 

This was your mom's stuff. Everyone should have been going out of their way to do what you wanted and to make the weekend easier for you, not the other way around.

 

Forget about writing a letter. It's over and done. You did your best under difficult circumstances, and fwiw, I think you did a great job.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Cat

 

:iagree: Everyone has their own issues about a person's death (and a lot of those issues are unresolved ones from their relationship with that person in life). It sounds to me like the issues at play during the sorting were not really related to what you did or didn't do. They sound like old roles that they all fell back into. One aunt feels put upon. Someone else feels taken advantage of. And so on.

 

You can't solve those issues, and it sounds like you did a great job under very difficult circumstances. The only advice I can offer is to try to have compassion for everyone involved - and that includes yourself. :grouphug:

[QuirkyKapers]

Thanks for everyone's support and input. I really appreciate it! These situations are certainly complex and I realize no matter what, there would have been issues. It just stinks that it has to be that way. :glare:

[*Inna*]

I'm sorry. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: