What would you do if your kid was the bully?

[Perry]

The issue of bullying comes up here frequently, and it's obvious that lots of us have kids that have been bullied. What about the other side? What would you do if you thought your kid was involved in bullying or teasing someone? How would you handle it?

 

Just thinking about the issue from different angles....

[Halcyon]

I'd freak. :tongue_smilie:

[Perry]

Didn't someone recently post a thread that said 50% of kids admitted to bullying others? Or maybe I read it somewhere else.

 

Anyway, if it's that high, many of us here probably have a kid that's done it, whether we know it or not.

[Daisy]

Well, I think we all deal with this on a small scale with sibling misbehavior. It is why I don't tolerate any type of name-calling or teasing among siblings. Immediately punishment. The child apologizes, loses privileges, etc.

 

We also expose our children to a variety of cultures, socio-economic backgrounds, etc. We do a lot of volunteer and missions work with our kids because we want to build empathy.

 

And obviously it is VERY important for parents to model good behavior. No name-calling, teasing, stereotyping, hateful behavior, etc.

 

If it became a chronic and malicious cycle (serious bullying, threats of violence, etc.), I'd take them for counseling.

[Perry]

Well, I think we all deal with this on a small scale with sibling misbehavior. It is why I don't tolerate any type of name-calling or teasing among siblings. Immediately punishment. The child apologizes, loses privileges, etc.

 

We also expose our children to a variety of cultures, socio-economic backgrounds, etc. We do a lot of volunteer and missions work with our kids because we want to build empathy.

 

And obviously it is VERY important for parents to model good behavior. No name-calling, teasing, stereotyping, hateful behavior, etc.

 

If it became a chronic and malicious cycle (serious bullying, threats of violence, etc.), I'd take them for counseling.

Those are all good ideas for preventing it, but what if you found out they did it anyway?

 

My son told me about a disturbing situation that happened on the bus today, where a 7th grade boy with Asperger's was teased when he had a meltdown over a seating issue. I know these kids, and they are really pretty good kids with reasonable parents. It seems like there was a little mob mentality going on.

 

 

It got me wondering what would be an appropriate way to handle incidents like this. They aren't really mean kids, they're just 7th grade boys who are being obnoxious. But I think this boy gets picked on quite a bit, and I know his parents would appreciate some ideas for how to stop it.

[BMW]

Well.... one of my kids IS the one who is the bully. He has lack of impulse control and does not know how to handle his anger. We are currently seeking counseling for him.

 

In the past, I simply refused to let him take part in activities away from me. He had to play in the same room, not go outside unless I was able to watch him... Sometimes we still have to go into that mode. I pulled him out of school and homeschooled him two years. He cannot be trusted and he has to live with that. When it comes to the children being left at home while we run an errand... he watches us trust his siblings and he is not allowed to stay at home, but must go with us. I often have to take him separately to a sitter while his brothers stay home with a movie and I work. All because he cannot control himself.

 

At times, another one of the boys gets to being a bully. He gets that way with his brothers, trying to prove himself. I just posted how he bullied a brother and was sent out of the house immediately. That was in the morning. If it happens in the afternoon, I send him to the front porch/front yard and he is not allowed to come in until dinner. If it happens after dinner, he goes straight to bed. I just cannot tolerate him bullying. Period.

[lisamarie]

I don't have older kids yet, but my DS was a bit of a bully when he was 3-4 years old. I dealt with it by immediately correcting his behavior, having him apologize, time out, and then if he did it again, we left. This usually occurred at playgroup. We left playgroup early on more than one occasion in those days.

 

My thoughts on if my older child were the bully, I would have a serious sit down discussion with them on why we don't do that, back it up with Biblical passages (if you are Christian which I am), and then require them to make reparations by apologizing to the child. I would also work with them on how to respond when other people are bullying someone and how to NOT go along with the crowd. And if your child was brave enough, how to stand up for someone who is being bullied. I might even require them to write a research paper on bullying if I felt that was appropriate.

 

If I knew the family of the child who was bullied, I would probably approach the parent(s) and let them know what happened and how I was handling it so they weren't sitting there fuming at my kid. And then invite them over for dinner to give our kids a chance to hang out outside of school and hope that forming a relationship outside of school would make it a lot more difficult to bully them at school.

[Daisy]

Those are all good ideas for preventing it, but what if you found out they did it anyway?

 

My son told me about a disturbing situation that happened on the bus today, where a 7th grade boy with Asperger's was teased when he had a meltdown over a seating issue. I know these kids, and they are really pretty good kids with reasonable parents. It seems like there was a little mob mentality going on.

 

It got me wondering what would be an appropriate way to handle incidents like this. They aren't really mean kids, they're just 7th grade boys who are being obnoxious. But I think this boy gets picked on quite a bit, and I know his parents would appreciate some ideas for how to stop it.

 

My take on bullies is that they are either too weak to resist the mob mentality or they are ignorant, so I'd work to resolve both issues.

 

Well, I guess my immediate reaction would be...

 

1. Verbal & written apology every single time.

2. The bully researches Aspergers in order to better understand. As homeschoolers I'd make my kids write a full-blown report. I certainly think a teacher could require this.

3. I'd talk a lot about peer pressure & actively work on social skills through role-playing.

4. Hard work seems to solve a lot of problems in my house. Seriously my kids would find themselves too tired to pick on anyone.

 

My husband as a school teacher does about the same thing...

 

1. Immediate apology every single time.

2. Educate the child on Aspergers or whatever the issue is.

3. Put them in a social skills small group where they role play a variety of situations.

4. Have them work with younger grades under DIRECT supervision at all times. This has proven one of the most effective ways for my husband's bullies to improve. The bully is empowered to a positive end rather than a negative one. I can't count the number of times, my husband had a 4th grader stop bullying other kids once they were given the job of reading with a younger student. It was like they funneled all that need for power & control into something worthwhile. He teaches first grade now and still encourages the higher grade teachers to send their troublemakers down to him. :-D

[lionfamily1999]

Well, I've dealt with it. My oldest has bullied her younger brother (older ds), older ds has bullied youngest ds. Both of the older kids have had bullyish (iykwIm) attitudes to other children at times. Both have attempted to deal with bullies by reciprocating. I deal with it swiftly. I would prefer not to share how, as I don't wish to invite opinions on my parenting.

 

Ime, if your child is ever smarter, bigger, or different from another child, they have a chance to bully. Ime, they will take that chance, if they feel like they can get away with it. Dealing with it swiftly and decisively works well, but like all issues, it will pop up every once in awhile.

 

ETA, okay, I did not realize this was regarding a sn child. None of my children pick on special needs kids, but I've noticed here that's sort of "not allowed." When I was in school it was met with disgust by peers (and THAT will end it quick). But, it's rural/small town. Things might be different now (lots of new come-heres :lol: ), but none of the kids I know would put up with it. It's just low.

Edited October 29, 2010 by lionfamily1999

[whitestavern]

Part of the problem, to me, is that there seems to be differing opinions on what, exactly, constitutes bullying. To me, sorry, I don't think teasing is bullying. I mean your normal everyday sibling/friend teasing. I think kids through the ages have had to deal with this stuff and they got along just fine. Kids in the 40s used to get in fistfights on a regular basis (at least according to my higher generation friends/family). To me, it makes you stronger. I dealt with one bullying episode when I was in 9th grade. I was "dating" a guy who someone else liked and had to deal with some threatening phone calls from her friends. Like death threat stuff. I dealt with it. My mom didn't interfere. It went away. I'm fine. DH dealt with some more aggressive bullying; stuffed in a locker when he was in prep school; made fun of (he was very slightly overweight going into high school); stupid stuff. He made it through. I think it makes us stronger. I see kids nowadays who have their parents solving every little problem for them; who can't take an ounce of criticism. I think kids need to learn how to deal with things like this. We are creating a society filled with kids who can't handle rejection. It's the little league mentality of let's cheer them on, even if they strike out or make a mistake. I think we're doing our kids a disservice.

 

However, with all this said, I think there IS some bullying that is unacceptable. Certainly bullying children who are intellectually disabled is unacceptable. Some of the bullying you hear about (ie the Facebook/cell phone/etc) true evil stuff...is despicable and is cause for intervention. But I think we need to let our kids get a thick skin with regards to some of what we are now calling "bullying" ie. name calling, teasing, etc. These kids aren't going to be able to handle any sort of rejection or negativity in their lives without falling apart.

 

Just my two cents.

 

*eta, an apology, as this doesn't really relate to the OP's question; it more relates to the subsequent posters.

Edited October 29, 2010 by whitestavern

[lionfamily1999]

However, with all this said, I think there IS some bullying that is unacceptable. Certainly bullying children who are intellectually disabled is unacceptable. Some of the bullying you hear about (ie the Facebook/cell phone/etc) true evil stuff...is despicable and is cause for intervention. But I think we need to let our kids get a thick skin with regards to some of what we are now calling "bullying" ie. name calling, teasing, etc. These kids aren't going to be able to handle any sort of rejection or negativity in their lives without falling apart.

 

Just my two cents.

I think what you said about Fb/phones/&tc is just a different level of the regular teasing stuff.

 

It is funny, though, my dad talks about back in the day and it seems like they fought (real fighting, fists, bloody noses) all the time. He makes it sound like a favorite past time. I look at my boys and think, they'd blow their lids if someone actually punched them. Crazy how things change.

[ks-sunflower]

I once read a book called "Before It's Too Late" by Stanley Samenow that helped me understand the behavior of a couple of children my kids had to deal with. I think if a parent was having serious and recurring problems with a child who was lying and bullying, this book would be a good resource.

[kalanamak]

I'd hyperventilate privately and tomato stake.

 

I'll never forget the big holiday get together...where one woman was keeping an eye on her nephew (mom was heavily into drugs), who had moved in with her recently. He couldn't be trusted around smaller children or animals because he was, bluntly, a sadist. He ended up in a psych facility.

 

My son came home with a black eye a couple of weeks ago. So and so hurt him "accidentally" with a hockey stick. Next, a scratch across the face. Same so and so "didn't mean to" scratch him. Today, I took him to the gym. So and so was there first and parentless, didn't share, used his weight to get what he wanted, and when challenged, went right for my son's eyes, punching and scratching. Accident, my foot!

 

Rather than try to engage this kid after that, my son went and got another ball and he and I kicked it about. So and so approached me with buttery sweetness asking if he could play with "your son". I told him, very blandly, that he had hogged the other ball despite me asking him to share (it was not his ball) and that I didn't care to rely on him to be fair about this ball. He discarded the basketball that had been left for everyone, and proceeded to try and steal the soccer ball we were playing with.

 

Honestly, if this were my son, I'd be crying myself to sleep (and I'm not a teary person).

[whitestavern]

If you are referring to me, believe me, I am not referring to teasing. I realize some people's definition of bullying might vary somewhat, but lets give people the benefit of the doubt and focus on the question.

 

Yes, I am feeling very sensitive about this right now because my son is being victimized by a boy whose mother thinks jumping on top of my son, slapping, pinching, threatening, etc is just normal boy behavior.

 

No, I am definitely not talking about you! Sorry if that was implied. I've read your posts and totally agree with everything you have said/done in your situation. I do believe that when it gets physical there needs to be intervention. I feel badly that the other mother in your situation appears to be burying her head in the sand.

[delaney]

At the risk of flames I will just say that if my kid were the bully I would spend a full 24 hours bullying the heck out of him/her to give them a real taste of what it feels like:glare:

[abbeyej]

I think it's a really important question. During some of the discussion of how to help children avoid being targets, I was accused of "blaming the victim". That was not at all my intention, but if we're discussing helping our kids *not* to be victims, then *victims* are what we're discussing... It doesn't help in that particular conversation to talk about what needs to be done to bullies if the bullies are out of our hands.

 

*But* if we're talking about "how to prevent our kids from participating in bullying behavior", then the conversation can be all about bullies. And, of course, in raising our kids, I think we have to deal with both issues along the way -- often simultaneously -- a child who is bullied in one situation can take on the role of the bully in another and vice versa. Having one role does not prevent that same child from having the opposite role in another situation -- in fact, I think it's often more likely that a child who finds him/herself in one will find him/herself in another at another time...

 

Anyway, my first answer is that we nurture compassion and empathy within our children. Ask them from a young age to imagine what it would be like to be in another's shoes. Don't just say, "How would you feel if--!", but really *ask* them to *think* through what it would be like. ... And do that in all *sorts* of situations, not necessarily related to (but including) bullying or mean-spirited teasing.

 

Teach kids that hurting someone intentionally is never acceptable.

 

Teach kids to walk away.

 

Teach them to value and practice self-control.

 

Read books that put them in other positions. One of the best for elementary children and especially for girls is The Hundred Dresses, in large part because it's told from the standpoint of a (not quite innocent) bystander, not the standpoint of the target or the clear bully. So it requires kids to consider what it's like to see something that's "not quite right" (but perhaps not as clear-cut as a big kid knocking down a little one and stealing his snack), and why they might find themselves *inadvertently* contributing to another child's pain. And i think that's important because often "bullying" *does* start out more subtly. And sometimes it's easy for a child to be sucked into group-think without considering what's really, quietly going on.

 

As a PP pointed out, I think families and sibling groups are a good practice ground for acceptable behavior in the real world. And while I generally agree with nipping sibling cruelty (physical, verbal, emotional, whatever) in the bud, I also think that families can model *gentle* teasing and banter. What does it look like to tease someone (gently) and how do we recognize and STOP well before it goes on to hurt that person's feelings? Sometimes it's a matter of helping the one being teased to recognize when something is *ridiculous* and to respond to that appropriately (rather than out of proportion). Often though it's also a matter of coaching others to recognize the difference between a gently ribbing and harassing someone over a sensitive subject.

 

As for bullying when it goes beyond the point of training our kids to be compassionate and empathetic, to notice when things are going too far... I think it's also important to teach kids to stand up for themselves and for others. Help them to be positive leaders and not to fear standing up to abuses, large or small -- whether that's just saying "Hey, knock it off" or getting an adult involved or physically stepping in to stop an altercation...

 

And if it were my kid engaged in bullying? Well, for emotional torment, they'd start losing privileges right and left (down to pretty much anything beyond a set of clean clothes, a blanket, nutritious food, and school books), and all extra time would be replaced with service projects for others. Preferably targeted service based on the sort of bullying that had taken place, but really anything that requires serving others in greater need.

 

For physical torment, the above would probably still apply, but so would hard, disciplined physical labor. A lot of it. To the point of exhaustion every single day. If there's something useful to be done, then that. If it has to be alternating between running and moving large rocks back and forth across the yard and digging and filling in holes we don't need, well, so be it.

 

And we'd be looking for really great adult mentors outside of the family as well. Same-sex as the kid involved. Someone with strong personal discipline and values. ... Hard to say exactly what, because it would depend on the individual child's situation. But someone the child could look up to and learn from...

 

And there'd be specific apologies required to anyone who had been hurt -- most likely in writing.

 

Sigh. It's awful to think that any of our children might ever *reach* that point. And while I do absolutely agree with you that *many* children can look back and say that they've engaged in some type of cruel behavior to others, I think it's often not clearly "bullying" in the moment. Which is why all of the training and modeling of compassion and empathy along the way is important.

 

But if it gets to that point? We've got to do more than say, "Johnny, don't do that," and impose some brief and unrelated punishment or excuse it as a phase. Or, worse, think, "Oh, never my Sweet Johnny!"...

[Wyndie]

We caught my son (10 yr old) being the bully last year. He was across the street at the park and I was in my house. I saw it from over here and ran straight out to deal with it. I talked to the children he was bullying and apologized to them that my child had been so rude (also to confirm that what I thought I saw was what really was going on). Then ds had to sit in the same room as me for the entire day until Daddy got home. Then Daddy took him upstairs and dealt with it privately. By the time they were done, ds wanted to go apologize to the girls so he and Daddy walked around the neighborhood looking for them and did apologize to the girls AND their parents. After that, ds was not allowed to be at the park without me for about 6 months. Actually we really just tomato staked him as he struggled during that time with trying to pull his bullying maneuvers on his younger sisters so that required him to be by my side all the time. He no longer bullies but I keep my eye out for the seed of it starting. I know the embarrassment of being pulled out of a group of kids, along with having to march around the neighborhood with his dad searching for his victims really had an impact on him.

 

ETA: he was also grounded from video games for 2 months.

[Mejane]

A mother in our playgroup emailed me saying that my daughter and another girl were teasing her son so much that he didn't want to come anymore. I took my daughter and son (who wasn't involved but was usually present) into separate rooms and questioned them. Dd said she and this girl were calling the boy a nickname they had made up and running away from him. She said all the kids did it with each other. Son corroborated the story.

 

I emailed the mother and told her my daughter would apologize the next time they were together, and assured her that there would be no further trouble. At that point, she told me her son often had these kinds of issues because he is overly sensitive. Whatever. Doesn't make it right.

 

Dd had computer privileges removed so she had time to think about not hurting others. We also had a long talk about a time she was bullied and how she felt about it. She apologized to the boy and they not only had no further trouble, but actually became very good friends.

Edited October 30, 2010 by Mejane

[elegantlion]

Part of the problem, to me, is that there seems to be differing opinions on what, exactly, constitutes bullying. To me, sorry, I don't think teasing is bullying. I mean your normal everyday sibling/friend teasing. I think kids through the ages have had to deal with this stuff and they got along just fine. Kids in the 40s used to get in fistfights on a regular basis (at least according to my higher generation friends/family). To me, it makes you stronger. I dealt with one bullying episode when I was in 9th grade. I was "dating" a guy who someone else liked and had to deal with some threatening phone calls from her friends. Like death threat stuff. I dealt with it. My mom didn't interfere. It went away. I'm fine. DH dealt with some more aggressive bullying; stuffed in a locker when he was in prep school; made fun of (he was very slightly overweight going into high school); stupid stuff. He made it through. I think it makes us stronger. I see kids nowadays who have their parents solving every little problem for them; who can't take an ounce of criticism. I think kids need to learn how to deal with things like this. We are creating a society filled with kids who can't handle rejection. It's the little league mentality of let's cheer them on, even if they strike out or make a mistake. I think we're doing our kids a disservice.

 

However, with all this said, I think there IS some bullying that is unacceptable. Certainly bullying children who are intellectually disabled is unacceptable. Some of the bullying you hear about (ie the Facebook/cell phone/etc) true evil stuff...is despicable and is cause for intervention. But I think we need to let our kids get a thick skin with regards to some of what we are now calling "bullying" ie. name calling, teasing, etc. These kids aren't going to be able to handle any sort of rejection or negativity in their lives without falling apart.

 

Just my two cents.

 

 

 

While your experience is your experience, not everyone comes out from verbal assaults a better person. I was verbally teased by one person who came with a mob of girls behind her. I was 8. I never told my parents because I knew they would tell me to gut it up but they also wouldn't give me any coping mechanisms. I couldn't tell the school, because this girl's mother was a teacher and she was very sneaky. I just had to deal with it. It shattered my self-worth, I was 8.

 

Later, junior high, I had a kid at the bus stop tease me. Not one of the other kids at the bus stop did anything to stop him. He was horrid, it went on at least a year. He was teasing me about a part of my anatomy that I was already self-conscious about and I was a decidedly average teen. I ignored him everytime. I'd walk faster than anyone else from the bus stop so they wouldn't see me crying. Thankfully he moved. Again I never told my mother because she had also voiced concerns about my appearance. Thanks mom.

 

These two events didn't make me stronger, they made me anxious, they made me hate my body image, they made me wall off part of who I could have been. I didn't learn to deal with rejection, I felt 100% rejected. I shut myself away from other friends and opportunities because I felt I wasn't worthy of them. Thankfully I had a few dear friends and I knew my parents loved me, otherwise I might have chosen a more dire way to get out. I have a very sensitive type spirit, I'm sure that was a contributing factor in how I internalized these incidents.

 

As an adult I have never been subjected that type of verbal abuse. I have learned to deal with fallout, rejection, criticism, and hurt. As I adult I have learned how to cope with real life.

 

Did I consciously think about these incidents over time. No. It wasn't until I was almost 40 and looked in the mirror one day. I realized in the back of my mind I still had those two voices telling me I was a reject. I realized their words had become what I thought my body was all about, something to hate and fight against.

 

Just my .02

 

 

What would I do if my child were the bully? - Stern talking to, written letter of apology, revocation of privileges, and share my story. That's where I start.

Edited October 30, 2010 by elegantlion

[Tammyla]

:iagree: We have our family policy and I never allow mistreatment to be overlooked. We treat one another with love and respect...The golden rule.

 

Well, I think we all deal with this on a small scale with sibling misbehavior. It is why I don't tolerate any type of name-calling or teasing among siblings. Immediately punishment. The child apologizes, loses privileges, etc.

 

We also expose our children to a variety of cultures, socio-economic backgrounds, etc. We do a lot of volunteer and missions work with our kids because we want to build empathy.

 

And obviously it is VERY important for parents to model good behavior. No name-calling, teasing, stereotyping, hateful behavior, etc.

 

If it became a chronic and malicious cycle (serious bullying, threats of violence, etc.), I'd take them for counseling.

[Pretty in Pink]

If I caught my child bullying I would immediately apologize for my child's behavior and remove him from the situation. He would be in serious trouble when we got home. I would require a personal apology, if possible. If it were more than just an isolated incident there would be more serious consequences. I won't tolerate that sort of behavior.

[smrtmama]

Well, I think we all deal with this on a small scale with sibling misbehavior. It is why I don't tolerate any type of name-calling or teasing among siblings. Immediately punishment. The child apologizes, loses privileges, etc.

 

We also expose our children to a variety of cultures, socio-economic backgrounds, etc. We do a lot of volunteer and missions work with our kids because we want to build empathy.

 

And obviously it is VERY important for parents to model good behavior. No name-calling, teasing, stereotyping, hateful behavior, etc.

 

If it became a chronic and malicious cycle (serious bullying, threats of violence, etc.), I'd take them for counseling.

 

:iagree:

 

I think that the root of bullying can typically be squashed through behavior expectations at home and through modeling of compassion to all people. When you see negative social messages (on TV, in homeschool co-ops, etc.) try to address them immediately or as soon as possible.

 

When those things don't work, it's usually indicative of something else going on. Maybe the child is bullying because there's something really bugging him/her either physically, mentally, or emotionally, and s/he is acting out against others as a coping mechanism. Maybe you think you're being consistent with your expectations and aren't. Maybe you think you're modeling behavior, but your child is overhearing you or your partner make disparaging comments about certain people.

[Impish]

Well, I think we all deal with this on a small scale with sibling misbehavior. It is why I don't tolerate any type of name-calling or teasing among siblings. Immediately punishment. The child apologizes, loses privileges, etc.And obviously it is VERY important for parents to model good behavior. No name-calling, teasing, stereotyping, hateful behavior, etc.

 

If it became a chronic and malicious cycle (serious bullying, threats of violence, etc.), I'd take them for counseling.

:iagree:

I'd hyperventilate privately and tomato stake.

 

Honestly, if this were my son, I'd be crying myself to sleep (and I'm not a teary person).

:iagree:

[Mejane]

My son came home with a black eye a couple of weeks ago. So and so hurt him "accidentally" with a hockey stick. Next, a scratch across the face. Same so and so "didn't mean to" scratch him. Today, I took him to the gym. So and so was there first and parentless, didn't share, used his weight to get what he wanted, and when challenged, went right for my son's eyes, punching and scratching. Accident, my foot!

 

 

 

kalanamak, you are a much better person than I! I would've taken that little creep's head off. Touch my kids and all bets are off. :glare:

[kalphs]

Well, I think we all deal with this on a small scale with sibling misbehavior. It is why I don't tolerate any type of name-calling or teasing among siblings. Immediately punishment. The child apologizes, loses privileges, etc.

 

We also expose our children to a variety of cultures, socio-economic backgrounds, etc. We do a lot of volunteer and missions work with our kids because we want to build empathy.

 

And obviously it is VERY important for parents to model good behavior. No name-calling, teasing, stereotyping, hateful behavior, etc.

 

If it became a chronic and malicious cycle (serious bullying, threats of violence, etc.), I'd take them for counseling.

:iagree:

[Closeacademy]

We talk about it. I ask the child if they would like it if someone did or said something like that to them and then we talk about why they behaved that way.

 

We went through a little of this because I did childcare for a year and it took only a few weeks for these issues to appear and it was a full year after we quit doing childcare before they went away. (btw, I watched 3-5 year olds.)

 

We also modeled good ways to treat friends/siblings. But we talked a lot about the issue.:001_smile:

[Audrey]

The issue of bullying comes up here frequently, and it's obvious that lots of us have kids that have been bullied. What about the other side? What would you do if you thought your kid was involved in bullying or teasing someone? How would you handle it?

 

Just thinking about the issue from different angles....

 

 

Well.... if I could ever get over the deep disappointment that I'd raised such a jerk, I think I would do some serious re-examination of what it is that may have influenced such a behaviour, including looking very hard at dh and I and what we're modeling. Then, I would do my darndest to correct that and re-inforce non-violence and kindness in relationships.

 

There would definitely be punitive actions regarding the bullying incident(s), too. Loss of priviledges, restriction of interactions with others, seriously hard physical labour... for starters.

[Harriet Vane]

Some children that I care for regularly have struggled with this, unfortunately. I don't put up with it AT ALL. My response to specific incidents is usually:

 

--Tomato-staking. The bully becomes my new best friend, right at my side.

--Hard labor. Anyone who is mean has to work. I have been known to give the bully a toothbrush and require them to scrub my grout.

--Isolation from anyone else participating in the incident. All members of the mob must work (hard labor), and they cannot be together anymore.

 

I have also been known to sit the bully down, much, much later, cuddle that child on my lap, stroke his/her hair, and gently discuss together the effects of those mean choices both on the bully and on the victim.

 

Also, when I know a child is struggling, I am absolutely hyper-vigilant paying attention to their play and interactions. When I see the bully starting to slip down that slope, I yank them out to stay with me. If I can stop the interaction before the bully has escalated into real meanness, then there's no need for hard labor. The child and I just talk, and that child stays with me (tomato-staking).

[dirty ethel rackham]

To me, it makes you stronger. I

 

Well, maybe it made YOU stronger. But, anyone who has studied bullying can tell you that your experience is somewhat unique. Bullying can have long lasting effects on self-esteem, confidence , mental health, future relationships, etc. I was bullied (or what you would call "only teasing") from 3rd grade through 8th grade. The intent was to instill fear and to isolate me from peers (no one wants to be friends with a target.) No matter what I tried, it didn't get better. The adults did nothing - which taught me that they could not be trusted and that I was worthless. So much for the Catholic school lessons of God's love. I learned I was unlovable. I would rather have dealt with physical bullying because I could have defended myself.

 

To say that it was no big deal is deeply offensive to anyone who has suffered this kind of abuse. Some kids get through it fine, but many are still the walking wounded.

[Trish]

The issue of bullying comes up here frequently, and it's obvious that lots of us have kids that have been bullied. What about the other side? What would you do if you thought your kid was involved in bullying or teasing someone? How would you handle it?

 

Just thinking about the issue from different angles....

 

Well you'd have to find out somehow -- either someone would bring it to your attention by accusing him/her, or, you'd have to witness it yourself. If the former, i guess I'd talk to my son/daughter to get their side.

 

In any case, it would be a loss of privileges, to be earned back by a period of time when there are NO REPORTS OF BULLYING. (checking with parent or teacher to make sure this remains the case) Bullying continues, more privilges go on hiatus.

 

Etc.

[1Togo]

There have been great posts, but I will add. In our home, we've made it clear to our children that they will pulled from activities if they do not treat other children with kindness and compassion. This especially holds true with our sons. We tell them we don't want them to join with the pack in ostracizing anyone and that we expect them to be friendly with everyone. If we find out they have acted inappropriately, they must apologize. The apologizing part can be difficult, but we tell them they should keep a clear conscience. No one can be perfect, but everyone can take responsibility for their actions and apologize.

[dirty ethel rackham]

:iagree:

 

I think that the root of bullying can typically be squashed through behavior expectations at home and through modeling of compassion to all people. When you see negative social messages (on TV, in homeschool co-ops, etc.) try to address them immediately or as soon as possible.

 

When those things don't work, it's usually indicative of something else going on. Maybe the child is bullying because there's something really bugging him/her either physically, mentally, or emotionally, and s/he is acting out against others as a coping mechanism. Maybe you think you're being consistent with your expectations and aren't. Maybe you think you're modeling behavior, but your child is overhearing you or your partner make disparaging comments about certain people.

 

:iagree: I noticed that when my kids are behaving poorly with their siblings, they usually have a bug in their bonnet about something totally different.