caitlinsmom Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 A very good friend of mine gets married today. As a part of their gift I wanted to give them a list of important things to remember throughout their marriage. I can think of a few things but I thought I would ask everyone here. If you would give only one piece of advice to a newlywed couple, what would it be? (Funny and serious welcome!!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freetobeme Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 never go to bed angry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mrsjamiesouth Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 If you ask your husband to help clean, cook, or grocery shop NEVER criticize his efforts or he may never help you again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 laugh. forgive. DON'T talk bad about each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
May Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 1. Let each spouse deal with their family 2. Notice the small things done by the other person like, gas in the car, bathrooms clean etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 If they are Christian, you might ask them to ponder this question: "What if God gave you to each other, not to make you happy, but to make you holy?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jplain Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 I like the sentiments in this piece by Wilferd A. Peterson, especially the last two lines. This is a shorter version, which we had this read at our wedding. Google if you want to find the longer version. The Art of Marriage A good marriage must be created. In the art of marriage the little things are the big things... It is never being too old to hold hands. It is remembering to say "I love you" at least once each day. It is never going to sleep angry. It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives. It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family. It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways. It is having the capacity to forgive and forget. It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow. It is finding room for the things of the spirit. It is a common search for the good and the beautiful. It is not only marrying the right partner... It is being the right partner. - by Wilferd Arlan Peterson Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 I think the advice women felt they had to give when I was getting married and then when I was pregnant was sort of annoying. I would wait until she's married and asks a specific question, looking for advice from you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 A very good friend of mine gets married today. As a part of their gift I wanted to give them a list of important things to remember throughout their marriage. I can think of a few things but I thought I would ask everyone here. If you would give only one piece of advice to a newlywed couple, what would it be? (Funny and serious welcome!!) Have lots of TEA. Try to never say no to TEA when the other person wants some. If you really must say no, apologize to your partner and explain that you still love him. Don't spouse bash, EVER. Even if you think it's funny. Don't nag. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekmom Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 Something my husband and I have learned just recently (we've been married 17 years) is that there can be no intimacy without conflict. So many issues over the years we've swept under the rug because we both hate conflict. We're learning that the goal of conflict is not necessarily to solve the problem (sometimes there isn't a perfect solution). The goal is to become closer to the person you love- to reveal more of yourself to gain a better understanding of each other. It's worth the pain if it brings you closer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 I would want to find some way to say it POSITIVELY, but I really think they need to keep in mind it's a long journeyat which they are only at the very very beginning. You will get tired. There will be ups and downs, bumps and bruises. Sometimes, downs last much longer and are much worse than you could imagine. Sometimes you may want to give up. But there are plenty of awesome times, even more great times, a plethora of good times. Remember, it's a journey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 Don't talk to your family about your marital problems. They hold a grudge much longer than you will. If you need someone to talk to, find someone that has been married to the same person for a long time and ask them for advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rivka Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 Remember the three little words that mean so much: "You were right." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 Don't talk to your family about your marital problems. They hold a grudge much longer than you will. If you need someone to talk to, find someone that has been married to the same person for a long time and ask them for advice. This one is excellent! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 I can't remember which 1st Lady originally said this, but "Leave one thing (neg) unsaid, everyday!" That has been a Godsend for me. It's reminder everytime that a didn't marry him, because of who could be, or what he does, or doesn't do...I married him and who he is doesn't change on 1 negative comment! ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrissySC Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 It is ok to fight! Geesh, how many do not understand this? Yes, you can fight, but don't bring in other family members or friends. :D Hubby and I fight in the driveway (kids in the house). So, I guess we bring in the neighborhood, LOL. Married 20 now - it must work well enough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 I know a lot of people say never to go to bed angry. I have found that it doesn't always work. Sometimes you're having a really stupid argument at midnight, and the solution is to go to bed already. The next morning, you will wonder what you were so upset about and be glad you didn't drag it out until 2am. Being tired doesn't make just toddlers cranky--it works on grownups too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 Any time you think you are really creaming your spouse in an argument, you need to stop and think it over. Do you really except a good marriage with someone who feels defeated by you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 I know a lot of people say never to go to bed angry. I have found that it doesn't always work. Sometimes you're having a really stupid argument at midnight, and the solution is to go to bed already. The next morning, you will wonder what you were so upset about and be glad you didn't drag it out until 2am. Being tired doesn't make just toddlers cranky--it works on grownups too. :iagree:I much prefer going to bed angry than continuing to hash it out. 99% of the time the issue is not worth resurrecting by morning, and if it is, everyone is calmer. I have never "gotten" that saying. However, my coping style, a la the wonder work of John Gottman, is avoidant. I have learned to overcome the limitations of this style, this "homebase", but it is still my style. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 If you would give only one piece of advice to a newlywed couple, what would it be? (Funny and serious welcome!!) I love the old world quote: Watch a suitor like a hawk. Watch a husband with half an eye. Or to quote from the French: To prepare a woman for marriage before marriage is to beat the water with a stick. To prepare a woman for marriage after marriage is to bend an eel at the knee. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 Always assume the best of intentions, even when you're hurt. Learn about your spouse's love language and try to communicate that way. Tell your spouse what you want, don't assume they'll figure it out. Being kind is often more important than being right. Try to have a balance of 5 positive comments for every negative one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 It is ok to fight! Geesh, how many do not understand this?Yes, you can fight, but don't bring in other family members or friends And for some couples, it's OK not to fight. Couples need to find out what works for them. I was so thankful that I married a man who would not fight. Took me a long time to get used to it, because I grew up in a family that thrived on argument and debate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 Learn to communicate without yelling which usually turns into nonsense that is meant only to hurt the other person to match the hurt the first person feels. That's not productive in working out problems. That lack of communication was one of the reasons my first marriage ended in divorce. My husband taught me how to communicate effectively and it's been the absolute key thing in our successful, so far, marriage. We just celebrated 15 years married and I can honestly say I'm still as happy today as I was 15 years ago. Communication!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 (edited) hmm. in really thinking about this, i've had several conversations over the years that always strike me as odd. i have many good friends that are well-intentioned in their constant comments on my marriage (or other successful marriages). i will hear remarks that insinuate a happy marriage is kind of "rare" or birthed out of luck. i know those comments are meant as a compliment, but imho they are completely wrong. my husband and i started off like every other couple, totally in love/lust over one another and thinking the other person was the greatest thing on the planet. imo, all couples start off on the same level playing field. BUT, our marriage continues to be a happy one because we make it a priority. it isn't luck, but rather it's work. it is commitment & choice. it involves maturity, flexibility, acceptance, forgiveness, laughter, and love. i stand by what i posted earlier too, which is don't talk bad about your spouse to other people. if you really need advice, seek wise counsel and focus on a solution instead of the problems you feel your spouse has. i think to constantly badmouth your spouse is poison to a marriage. Edited October 23, 2010 by mytwomonkeys Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 Being tired doesn't make just toddlers cranky--it works on grownups too. :lol::lol: Ain't that the flipping skippy truth! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 My DH asked me to give his opinion: Waiting for a problem to get better on its own is about as effective as waiting for a cavity to go away on its own. Don't let problems sit unsettled. They can negatively gnaw at the foundation of a marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barry Goldwater Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 Make your praises public, keep your criticisms private. No one has a more vested interest in your success than your spouse...consider carefully any counsel they offer. Home is the Castle. Defend it like one...moats, boiling oil and all... Read the Bible together every day. Even if it's just one verse. Cultivate a strong curiousity in what they will be like in 20 yrs, or 50. Don't substitute quality time in place of QUANTITY TIME. You need both. On your worst days, remind yourself that you couldn't live without her/him. Life has seasons...the best may be yet to come. God loves cheerful service. Go the extra mile for each other. Laugh, and be ready to laugh...there is so much funny stuff out there to laugh at together, if you just pay attention! Remember that men see the world through blue-tinted glasses, and women see the world through pink-tinted glasses. Both viewpoints have equal merit. Don't obsess on money...some of the most miserable people I know could buy and sell me 10x over...they don't have the joy I have in my wife and family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jld Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 The easiest marriages I know are where the man is committed. But I wouldn't know exactly how to word that in terms of advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Country Girl Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 Love is an action, not a feeling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annabel Lee Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 (edited) Love is also a decision sometimes, and not always a feeling. Edited October 28, 2010 by Annabel Lee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VBoulden Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 never go to bed angry. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharon H in IL Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 Might be a bit too late for this one, but . . . look at your beloved's parents' marriage. That is how your beloved has been trained to think of marriage. For well or for ill, it is his default setting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kmacnchs Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 Have lots of TEA. Try to never say no to TEA when the other person wants some. If you really must say no, apologize to your partner and explain that you still love him. Don't spouse bash, EVER. Even if you think it's funny. Don't nag. I think these are GREAT! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 Make your praises public, keep your criticisms private. No one has a more vested interest in your success than your spouse...consider carefully any counsel they offer. Home is the Castle. Defend it like one...moats, boiling oil and all... Read the Bible together every day. Even if it's just one verse. Cultivate a strong curiousity in what they will be like in 20 yrs, or 50. Don't substitute quality time in place of QUANTITY TIME. You need both. On your worst days, remind yourself that you couldn't live without her/him. Life has seasons...the best may be yet to come. God loves cheerful service. Go the extra mile for each other. Laugh, and be ready to laugh...there is so much funny stuff out there to laugh at together, if you just pay attention! Remember that men see the world through blue-tinted glasses, and women see the world through pink-tinted glasses. Both viewpoints have equal merit. Don't obsess on money...some of the most miserable people I know could buy and sell me 10x over...they don't have the joy I have in my wife and family. Yes, by all means defend your unit from outsiders, even well meaning ones. If either has "meddling" parents, move far enough away to visit now and then but not to find them on your doorsteps every day. :001_smile: Be honest in a loving way. Sometimes this is very difficult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 If you are in debt, get out. If you are out of debt, stay out. Seriously. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 imo, all couples start off on the same level playing field. :confused: Wow. Starting out with a budding alcoholic for a spouse is an level playing field? Both in minimum wage jobs and functionally illiterate is the same as both with a professional degree? One grew up the child of an arranged marriage where no affection ever shown between parents? I'm happy for you, but there is luck involved. I've known more than one person who married someone they had never seen so much as have a beer, and 10 years later, the DUIs start. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 Ignore the never go to bed angry advice. For some people it works for others it does not. The couple will have to figure out what works for their relationship. There has been many an arguement in our marriage that required us both to sleep on our feelings. Sometimes you are too in the moment to see when you are being irrational. That nights sleep helps put things in perspective. As a pp stated-never criticize the help they give you or they won't help with that task again. It took us both awhile to learn that one. Remember that you can't change them. You can only change the way you respond to situations. For example: When the kids were little it used to drive me bonkers when I was ready to go, would ask dh to load the car and then he would just talk to his family forever. I would end up loading the car and getting the kids ready all while he was having a great time. I would be nasty to him and basically pitch a fit. One day I realized I had a choice. I could either accept his timetable or accept that I would be doing it. I accepted that I would be doing it. I would load everything up, get the kids ready, and tell dh we are leaving now. He would get up and we would leave. No drama. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 :confused: Wow. Starting out with a budding alcoholic for a spouse is an level playing field? Both in minimum wage jobs and functionally illiterate is the same as both with a professional degree? One grew up the child of an arranged marriage where no affection ever shown between parents? I'm happy for you, but there is luck involved. I've known more than one person who married someone they had never seen so much as have a beer, and 10 years later, the DUIs start. keep my example in context of my actual post please. i was referencing comments made by personal friends in regard to relationships within my circle, including my own. my friends were not with budding alcoholics & functionally illiterate partners. their relationships started at the same level playing field as mine did. my marriage is not pure luck or just by chance. my husband and i have had many opportunities to hold a grudge, fail each other, hurt one another, etc. my point is, failed relationships have contributions in the same manner that successful relationships have contributions. people are quick to recognize that many factors come into play for a relationship to crumble, and likewise, it takes a lot of effort and commitment for a marriage to thrive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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