Frustrated

[parias1126]

Ok...so my mom came to visit. It seems we always have some issue when she is here, but this one is really bothering me. It's my DD8's birthday tomorrow. We celebrated tonight because we are leaving for 3 days to Pigeon Forge, TN in the morning.

 

We went to the mall and my DD went to Rack Room shoes. My mom tells her she will buy her some for her birthday. My DD has been asking for another pair of Twinkle Toes by Sketchers for months, so of course, she goes right to them. My mom is standing there the whole time. She can clearly see the shoes are $44.95 because DD wanted the cool light up ones. She takes her to the register with the shoes on her feet to pay for them. They ring up $48 after taxes. Mom flips and starts complaining about the price of the shoes, how I "sucked her in", etc etc. in front of DD. She still pays for them. We get to the car. Still yelling. Complaining. Doesn't let up. DD and other little ones hearing the whole thing. I say, "Leanna, let's take the shoes off so we can return them because they were expensive. We can pick another pair that is less expensive." DD gets upset. "But I love these mommy!". Mom says, "don't you dare embarrass me like that!" ............really????? Mom goes on to complain how she now has to pay for the cake she custom ordered this morning (I've already paid for 2 cakes on 2 separate occasions and this was my moms idea!).

 

We go to dinner. Every three minutes she is asking my DD if the shoes hurt her feet because if they do, we need to return them because they were soooooo expensive! By this point, I'm ready to lose it! Needless to say after the complete guilt trip, her examining my DDs feet to see if the shoes have made marks on her feet, we end up on our way back to the store!!! I suggest let's just get her some socks until she breaks them in and I even offered to buy them! She doesn't like this idea.

 

We get to the store. Of course the shoes are dirty because my daughter has worn them OUTSIDE! I told her we can not return these shoes! They are now used and it's not right! She cleans the shoes (the bottoms) with wipes. We get to the store. Store clerk: did she wear these? Mom: just in the house. :glare: clerk under her breath: these are quite dirty.

 

MY DD IS STANDING THERE AND SHE JUST LIED so she could exchange these shoes for cheaper ones!!!! :banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:

 

I am so mad at this point.... Then.....

 

She ends up exchanging those twinkle toes for another pair $10 cheaper AND buys socks!!!! She saved $2!!!!!

 

Now was this about the $$$$, making everyone else miserable, or just that she likes to complain? She made my DDs bday horrible by making her feel guilty over a pair of shoes!

 

I had to explain to her how inappropriate it was to lie. Her response, "you lied all the time when you were a teenager"! :banghead: my DD even explained to her grandma how she could had gone about exchanging the shoes, but still telling the truth.

 

I have to put up with this for the next 3 days on a vacation! I'm so not ready for this. This is the main reason I moved my children away from their grandmother! Why can't my children have a normal grandma??? I just feel like crying. This sort of thing happens whenever she visits.

Edited September 4, 2010 by parias1126

[Amy loves Bud]

:grouphug: from a fellow member of the I Wish My Kids Had a Normal Grandma Club. I hope you end up having a really lovely trip. My kids loved Splash Country like crazy!

[happi duck]

:grouphug: from a fellow member of the I Wish My Kids Had a Normal Grandma Club. I hope you end up having a really lovely trip.

:iagree:

[NanceXToo]

Oh. My. Word.

 

I would NEVER allow grandma to go shopping with us again. Poor you, and your poor daughter! I'd rather her throw a hissy fit over my refusing to take her shopping with us than having something like this occur ever again. How psycho!

 

Have a talk with your daughter. Let her know Grandma was having a bad day. Or it was the moon. Or whatever the case may be... but that it wasn't your daughter. And that your daughter is absolutely right that Grandma should have been honest etc.

[Jen in PA]

:grouphug: I am so sorry.

[Starr]

I'm thinking I'd be :auto: to buy those shoes. And I'd make every decision that's to be made. :grouphug:

[Sweetbeebie]

You are not alone!! For me that's my mom.... I had almost the same thing happen with my B/6 while shopping for her b-day present. The only difference is in the car in the heat of her complaining about the $40 toy I handed her a $20 and said, "here I'm half it with you then." Of course she's like...what???...nooo!!! To my reply," It's her birthday, and this is what she really wants." So my mother who has plenty of $$ takes the twenty from me and all was quiet for the rest of the day:)

[flyingiguana]

:grouphug: from a fellow member of the I Wish My Kids Had a Normal Grandma Club.

:iagree:

It takes weeks to detox from our grandma visits. After all these years, though, I've finally learned it isn't my fault. I just have to keep repeating that. (Head bashing against a wall is also very helpful.)

[Remudamom]

Tell your mom to shut up or leave. You don't have to put up with that type of behavior.

[Dobela]

My mom has done similar things. Last year I sent all the things she bought back to her thru my dad after she began a huge rant about how much money of hers my family had wasted and that we just expected her to buy stuff for us. Most still had tags because she had just bought them in the days before so they could return them. Earlier this year she started doing the same thing over something she bought for my dd in front of friends from church. I just pulled out my check book and asked her how much the check needed to be written for, in front of every one. I was fully capable of paying for what she bought and was tired of hearing her complain. My doing that caught her off guard and really made her mad but oh well. I knew it wasn't the cost that she was upset about (and she is better off than we are), it was just her way of getting attention. I refuse though to allow us to be the focus or recipients of her rants anymore.

 

That being said, I would have never allowed her to put my child in the situation like yours if I could see it coming. I would have told her to be quiet or just paid her the money and asked her to go find something else if she chose to. No way would my child be left feeling bad and be subjected to that horrible behavior and I would not have allowed her to return a gift that my child liked.

 

Oh, and lucky you. My mom live 12 miles away, attends our church, and we don't get much of a break at times from her behavior. It's like the crazy mom roller coaster express from week to week.

Edited September 4, 2010 by Dobela
spelling

[chiguirre]

What a disaster! You handled it better than I would have.

[parias1126]

@Dobela....my oldest is 17. She was 12 when we moved away from Gramdma. She used to be 5 miles from us for years. My life was a rollercoaster and my oldest DD has been through so much. She is old enough now to know how to deal with grandma situations. I could go on for hours about the toxic relationship with my mom. At one point, show even tried to get my oldest DD taken from me so she could have full custody of her. She even tried to take me to court for grandma visitation! This was after another psycho episode when I kept my DD from her.

 

Now that I have four children, I'm glad I moved away from her. It was the best thing I have ever done. She actually, at first, sold her house in Florida and followed us!!! It (thank goodness) didn't last long because she couldn't find a job. She moved back to Florida. My youngest DS hasn't been affected at all. The funny thing is that she only does this with the girls. The boys, she rarely buys anything for. She also treats them completely different (which is probably a great thing).

Edited September 4, 2010 by parias1126

[Jen+4dc]

Tell your mom to shut up or leave. You don't have to put up with that type of behavior.

:iagree::iagree::iagree: and neither do your dds!!!

 

What a disaster! You handled it better than I would have.

:grouphug:

[JVA]

..... a fellow member of the club...I Wish My Kids Had a Normal Grandma Club

 

This is one of the reasons I don't mind living on the opposite coast as my mother. She has pulled this kind of passive-aggressive nonsense as well. And my kids ended up feeling horrible. They were re-assured that it wasn't ANYTHING they had done- they were completely innocent- Gramma is just trying to be 'frugal (translation: CHEAP). Now I know what it is: attention-getting, p-a behaviour. My dad has done it, too.

 

I rely on God's promise that "all things work together for GOOD to those who love God" and can see that her example is to show me how to be a better Gramma one day. She just doesn't realize the message she is sending and, of course, can't hear anything I say about it. Fun.

[DianeW88]

Tell your mom to shut up or leave. You don't have to put up with that type of behavior.

 

 

:iagree: I can't imagine having her around is good for your children. If she always acts like this, why do you continue to have a relationship with her?

 

Diane W.

married for 22 years

homeschooling 3 kiddos for 16 years

[ma23peas]

Tell your mom to shut up or leave. You don't have to put up with that type of behavior.

 

 

Wise words..

 

I'm gonna sound mean and insensitive for a moment...you know how she is..you knew she would squawk at a $45 pair of shoes...so why did you let it go there? Sometimes we enable their ridiculous behavior! I know, I'm guilty!! I have a mother that can not say ONE nice thing about my favorite grandmother..(who has never uttered one bad word to me about my mother though she is entitled to it!)...in the past, we've had hang up calls going along the lines "if you can't say something nice, I don't want to hear it"....I KNOW my mother is going to go on a rampage anytime you mention my grandmother..so I have to NOT share any bits of information, even if it's "she had to go to the hospital last night"...I now only share that information with my Dad.... or it turns into junk!!

 

You could have NIPPED this in the bud and avoided all the horrific scenes by telling your daughter before she got so excited about flashy shoes that she needs to be considerate about price....you put your daughter's wishes above your mother's issues...and I do believe a little part of you either wanted to fulfill a materialistic wish or 'stick' it to your mother with the price...guilty pleasures at the least....

 

Having suffered that, I would have written a check to my mother for $40 or even all of it and quietly thanked her...letting daughter think that it was your mother who was generous...would that not have avoided a lot? I think sometimes we get sooo frustrated at the pig in our living room and complain and complain about how the pig acted....but we all know it's a pig and we know it's nature....we can't expect otherwise although we wish it were a well-mannered guest!

 

Knock this up as lesson learned, be humble and teach your daughter where you went wrong, NOT pointing out all the things the pig did wrong....really, the pig did nothing wrong...true colors show over time you daughter will find that out..but you can be the mother that changes all this behavior....that will be the biggest gift of all!

 

Tara

[Dobela]

@Dobela....my oldest is 17. She was 12 when we moved away from Gramdma. She used to be 5 miles from us for years. My life was a rollercoaster and my oldest DD has been through so much. She is old enough now to know how to deal with grandma situations. I could go on for hours about the toxic relationship with my mom. At one point, show even tried to get my oldest DD taken from me so she could have full custody of her. She even tried to take me to court for grandma visitation! This was after another psycho episode when I kept my DD from her.

 

Now that I have four children, I'm glad I moved away from her. It was the best thing I have ever done. She actually, at first, sold her house in Florida and followed us!!! It (thank goodness) didn't last long because she couldn't find a job. She moved back to Florida. My youngest DS hasn't been affected at all. The funny thing is that she only does this with the girls. The boys, she rarely buys anything for. She also treats them completely different (which is probably a great thing).

With dh's job we are in no position to move, but oh, we do talk about it ;). My mom hs done some wild things as well, including threatening to call CPS because we didn't keep the yard mowed at an acceptable level (in her opinion). I am starting to think my dad deserves sainthood for remaining married to her for 40+ years now. And interestingly, most of it is directed at my self or my dd as well. My son she adores and if I am not careful, she will absolutely over indulge him. She only gets to see my son though if I am with him or he is spending time with my dad (who is the complete opposite of my mom and a wonderful influence on my son.). She recently announced that she will no longer recognize my dd as her granddaughter because she only wanted one grandchild. Since my son was the first, that is who she is going to recognize as her grandchild. :banghead: In order to spend time with my dd, my dad comes alone because my mother treats her so badly. When my dad's mom died in May, my mom made it a point to tell everyone she could corner all the reasons my grandmother was a bad mom, grandma, wife, and so on. My grandma was one of the sweetest, most gentle women I have ever known!

 

My mom has difficult relationships with women in general. My parents owned their own business and recently some former employees have shared how they feel about my mom with me. Needless to say, not one likes her. But because they are polite to her, my mom thinks they have some wonderful relationship.

 

But no matter what, I have learned that I have to be on top of the relationship. To friends that know us all (like church folks) I have discretely shared some of the issues so they don't believe all she says. I will never allow her to take my child thru what you described. She will not make a spectacle of them. My children deserve way better, and I see it as allowing her to abuse them.

[Chris in VA]

I'm so sorry you had to go thru this. I think Nance has wise words--take your dd aside and explain that grandma loves her very much, but doesn't show it the right way. Tell her it's not her fault.

Be prepared for her not to believe you. And you might pull your oldest dd in to the conversation, too--not to destroy your mom in your dd's eyes, but to tell her she's not the only one who gets treated poorly.

Learning to love the unloveable is a very, very tough lesson. THey are usually deeply wounded and/or mentally ill.

 

And I want to say that it's not YOUR fault she's like this, either. :grouphug:

There are things you can do to make it better for yourself and your family (boundaries and such), but you cannot control her behavior, and it is her choice to act like this and not get help.

I do want to ask--why is your mom coming on vacation with you?

[ChristusG]

Wow, that is crazy!! I would severely limit contact. Your DD (or you) doesn't need to be treated like that.

[parias1126]

Chris- she is going on vacation with us because it was actually a vacation she planned, reserved the cabin already, etc. Even got my dd17 overly excited because ahe told her about it first and invited my DDs boyfriend as well. Her boyfriend already had a car rented, took the time off work, my dd already also tool the time off work. So, yeah, she went to my oldest DD first and after she was so happy and excited, there was no way I was saying no. I was actually getting along with her very well prior to her getting here (over the phone) which is very unusual so I was hoping maybe ahe had changed just a bit over the past 6 months (I know...long shot, but one can dream).

 

I had actually promised my DD17 a vacation where her BF could go with us before the summer was over and the summer is about over so this was a way to keep the promise I didn't think was going to be able to happen.

Edited September 4, 2010 by parias1126

[bookfiend]

It sounds like money is a point of control for your Mom. I would just stop letting her pay for anything, vacations, cakes, dinners - nothing. Still invite her to all of the normal things you would have, just don't accept her money.

[applesing]

How sad! I would be so upset, too. In fact, your mom reminds me of one of my aunts.

 

Hugs to you.

[parias1126]

It sounds like money is a point of control for your Mom. I would just stop letting her pay for anything, vacations, cakes, dinners - nothing. Still invite her to all of the normal things you would have, just don't accept her money.

 

I did pay her back for the vacation. I sent her check for 75% of the price of the cabin. I don't usually ever let her pay for anything for the children or for me. I just didn't have the money to pay her back on the spot for the shoes at that moment since I had just given her a check for $500 for the trip and still owe her for all the dinner shows that were reserved in advance. *sigh*

 

Usually she doesn't conplain about the price. Usually, after she buys it, she throws it in their face id they don't do what she wants. It's used as a form of control. "if you don't give grandma a kiss and be nicer to me, then I'll just bring back so and so to the store...." This is the main reason I stopped letting her buy things for the children.

Edited September 4, 2010 by parias1126

[StephanieZ]

With dh's job we are in no position to move, but oh, we do talk about it ;). My mom hs done some wild things as well, including threatening to call CPS because we didn't keep the yard mowed at an acceptable level (in her opinion). I am starting to think my dad deserves sainthood for remaining married to her for 40+ years now. And interestingly, most of it is directed at my self or my dd as well. My son she adores and if I am not careful, she will absolutely over indulge him. She only gets to see my son though if I am with him or he is spending time with my dad (who is the complete opposite of my mom and a wonderful influence on my son.). She recently announced that she will no longer recognize my dd as her granddaughter because she only wanted one grandchild. Since my son was the first, that is who she is going to recognize as her grandchild. :banghead: In order to spend time with my dd, my dad comes alone because my mother treats her so badly. When my dad's mom died in May, my mom made it a point to tell everyone she could corner all the reasons my grandmother was a bad mom, grandma, wife, and so on. My grandma was one of the sweetest, most gentle women I have ever known!

 

I have to say that based on what you say here about how she treats you, your dd and your ds, that I think it is absolutely the right thing to do to cease all contact with your mom. She is abusing your dd. She is giving your ds a warped and unsafe kind of "love" which is also abusive.

 

I suggest you seek counseling yourself to find the strength to protect your children and yourself.

 

Allowing her to abuse your children this way is unacceptable. It will really hurt each of them.

 

I would not allow her any contact, whatsoever, in any way with your children. If, by some miracle, she gets help herself for whatever problems she has. . . and comes to you with a complete and sincere apology with the desire to begin again. . . I would begin a new relationship with just *you* for a few months to gain the confidence that this new beginning is for real. Then I would allow her supervised contact only, forever.

[mycalling]

Barring having a $20 to shove in her face, I would have taken off the shoes by the time we made it to the car, handed them back, and loudly humiliated her in front of everyone within hearing distance, including her grandchildren. The woman should learn to look at a price tag.

 

It might have been even more embarrassing if you didn't have a $20...pull out a $5, "Is this enough to shut you up? No?," add in few $1s, "enough now?" pull out some change, "just let me know when you're done ruining our day and hurting your granddaughter."

She recently announced that she will no longer recognize my dd as her granddaughter because she only wanted one grandchild.

Tell her she has no grandchildren. I can't imagine tolerating that...at all. Edited September 4, 2010 by MyCalling

[mjpeter]

I'm so sorry. I have some issues with my mother and my children, as well. Luckily, my MIL is fabulous.

 

:grouphug: I hope your vacation goes well!

[plansrme]

Why do you let this woman around you and your children?

 

I would speak to her one more time, and that conversation would be, "Do not ever contact me again." That would be the end of the conversation and the end of the relationship.

 

You would never tolerate this kind of behavior from a non-relative; there is no reason to tolerate it from her just because she is your mother.

 

Terri

[Jen+4dc]

You would never tolerate this kind of behavior from a non-relative; there is no reason to tolerate it from her just because she is your mother.

 

:iagree:

 

I know it would be really hard to break off contact. But, what she's doing is endangering the emotional well-being of your kids. Just something to think about. Family situations are ALWAYS hard.:grouphug:

[Haiku]

Next time, short-circuit the whole thing by saying, "Here, Mom, here's the money for half the shoes" as soon as she starts her song and dance.

 

Tara

[Stacy in NJ]

I would NEVER allow grandma to go shopping with us again. .

 

 

Your mom has issue around money. Take money out of the relationship. When she wants to give gifts, suggest a gift card or an inexpensive item you know your dd would enjoy, or ask her to contribute a small amount to the purchase of a more expensive item. It's not really about how much money your mom actually has; it's more about her attitude about money.

 

I know how it feels when your own budget is tight and you're grateful for the extra financial assistance a relative can provide, but the extra "help" isn't worth it when that relative has issues around money.

 

After your vacation, set your dd down and explain that grandma gets stressed out because of money and that's probably why she behaved the way she did.