If you have a child you or others would call "immature"...

[teachermom2834]

when (if ever) have you felt like he "caught up"?

 

My just turned 10 yo ds is starting 5th grade. He is a good kid. Reasonably behaved and polite. He just seems very young. This doesn't bother me. It's just who he is. He isn't whiny or babyish he just still plays with action figures and still enjoys very young toys/ tv shows, etc. It is only an issue when in his own grade level group for a class or sport. He doesn't get in trouble and he functions just fine but he just seems out of step or like he doesn't really fit socially. He fits socially much better with kids 1-2 years younger.

 

When I started him in K at 5 I knew he wouldn't have been able to start public school K and be successful but I figured he was at home and he would "catch up". When he made his First Communion in 2nd grade I realized how unready he was and that he hadn't "caught up". When discussing some sports/ activity choices we need to make coming up my husband mentioned again that he would "catch up" in the next couple years.

 

I don't think so. I don't see him making any great strides any time soon. If you've had a kid like this did you ever see him make those strides and settle in or did they always seem out of sync? We are trying to decide whether or not to adjust his grade level down for these social situations. There are pros and cons both ways. I really want to leave him where he is. I want to believe he's going to mature a whole bunch in the next couple years. I worry if I adjust his grade level down that really won't be much of an advantage because maybe he's just a quirky kid?

 

I'm really fine with him being who he is. I just don't want to always feel like a square peg, kwim?

 

If you don't have a kid like this then this post is probably nonsensical. However, I bet a few of you have a dc like this one and can relate. If you do, did they ever grow into their age group or did they just remain "immature" all the way through?

 

Thanks,

Marie

[Moxie]

No advice but I'm right there with you. My 9 year old still cries. The things he likes his peers think are dumb. It is especially difficult dealing with girls his age as they seem to mature faster. Every year, DH and I wonder if this is the year that the big maturity will happen.

 

:grouphug:

[Ottakee]

What does your son think? If you mention to him that some of the kids turning 10 are going into 4th grade and ask him if he would like to be in activities with 4th graders or 5th graders, what would he say?

 

In our area, most boys are older 5 or 6 when starting K. I can see where even a "normal" kid who is on the young side for their grade might struggle.

 

I would be apt to put him where he fits best BUT if he is concerned about it, then it might be too late to change the grade you call him.

 

As to the maturity, I know of one young man I used to babysit whose parents thought he would NEVER grow up. He was still playing army men/action figures at 13/14, doing a lot of pretend play, etc. Well, he is now 28 years old, married, the father of 2, and a higher ranking military man----he now just plays army men with real men:)

 

Another factor you might want to consider is his physical maturity. Girls tend to mature 1-2 or more years before the boys. Then if your son is younger for his "grade" and one of the later maturing boys he might feel like he really doesn't fit as might be 2-3 years or more behind. This can be a big consideration for sports (if they do grades vs. age) as a young player who is later maturing will be playing with and competing against boys much larger and physically mature.

 

Really, a lot would depend on how your son feels about this.

[tofuscramble]

I don't see it as a problem. Just like kids who wet their beds longer, I think its just who we are. I would try and introduce him to some age-appropriate activities every once in a while but other than that I really wouldn't worry.

 

My 11 year old still likes to play with little kid toys once in a while and he is still really put out that he is too big to play in the "kiddie korner" at Ikea. Although, so is his dad!

[Mommamia]

My 8 yr old ds seems young for his age. I could relate to everything you mentioned, though my son is younger. Like you, I'm really fine with it. It just stands out more and worries me a bit when he is with other boys his age who seem more mature. I'm wondering if it is more of a personality thing and less of a maturity thing. Do you know what I mean?

 

My dear friend's son always seemed a bit young. In fact he reminds me of my son. This boy is now 14. He still seems young for his age, but he is polite, does fine academically, is just a great kid. He may not be as "mature" as his some of his peers...but maybe that is a good thing?? Hope you find encouragement from these posts. I know that realizing that I'm not alone in this has encouraged me.

[Closeacademy]

When they are all adults, it won't matter anymore. :001_smile:

[sonsmama]

My son is not like this, but I was. It just takes longer to mature (think he will always be behind until he is an adult (mid twenties). You can't make people mature faster.

[jenn&charles]

My son, who is now 12, is still young for his age in a lot of ways. He likes to play with Matchbox cars, cries, is slower with some of his academics -like he is only NOW starting to read chapter books. He still likes Berestain Bear books, etc.

I don't really have any advice for you, but you aren't alone with this.

I am currently encouraging Otter to be independent in some of his schoolwork (as I did with all of my kids at his age) and just letting him be who he is.

I know he will eventually grow up and I comfort myself with the fact that some grown men like Hot wheels cars and train tables, lol...(and my husband liked the excuse of having boys when he was jumping over our couch with a light saber, lol)

So maybe he's quirky, but he is who he is. :)

[yslek]

My son is not like this, but I was. It just takes longer to mature (think he will always be behind until he is an adult (mid twenties). You can't make people mature faster.

 

My mom said that my brother was somewhat like this. He was "caught up" by post-high-school/early-twenties.

[Stacy in NJ]

saying, "You're young for your age, ds. We're going to put you in grade 4plus this year. It's an inbetween step between grades 4 and 5. We want to have a really fun, relaxed school year this year, so 4plus gives us extra time to do some projects and activities we might not get to if you go into 5th grade."

 

Or, you can call it a pre-middle school gap year. Tell him and your friends and family that you don't quite think he's ready for "middle school" and you want to give him a gap year for fun and relaxation.

 

I think these things can be really positive if they're just framed in the proper way. This isn't a bad thing; it's an opportunity.

[musicianmom]

How does he compare to other boys who are going into 4th grade? Would changing his grade make him seem more "normal"? Or would he be quirky regardless?

[scrapbabe]

No advice, but my son is 10 and is the same way. So I'm comforted in knowing I'm at least not alone.

 

Shalynn

[teachermom2834]

How does he compare to other boys who are going into 4th grade? Would changing his grade make him seem more "normal"? Or would he be quirky regardless?

 

He does seem much more normal with boys going into 4th grade. When I ask him he does say that he likes the boys younger better which makes me think he is more comfortable but he says he likes the older boys, too, and isn't unhappy when he is with them. We've talked about it and he said he trusts me to make the best choice for him (that's mature, right ? ).

 

I figure it will not work itself out until post hs but I do think he will be fine either way. I'm also comfortable delaying the decision until it becomes necessary to make it.

 

I'm not really debating whether or not to redshirt him - I've BTDT here with that issue :) My plan right now is to keep him at his current grade level as long as we homeschool. If and when he does enter public school we'll make the decision based on where he is then. I realize someone is always youngest and that it will work itself out as adults but I worry about him making the right friends in a public school setting if he is coming from a place where he is lacking confidence/ feeling like a misfit.

 

Really, I was just hoping someone was going to tell me that 10 was the magic year and he is going to grow by leaps and bounds this year...I didn't really think anyone would tell me that, though.

 

I think part of the problem is that he is an athlete, yet geeky :) Maybe he wouldn't seem so misfit with the robotics club or the band... it's on the ballfield with the boys that are a little tougher/rougher/ faster...lol. I realize I'm playing hard and fast with stereotypes there.

[Ellie]

I don't see a problem. I would think that if he were, oh, 14 or so it might be something to think about.

[hsmom3tn]

My son turned 10 in the 5th grade. By the time that school year was over, we were having a lot of financial problems and I was afraid that I was going to have to put my kids in public school so that I could go to work. The thought of his going into middle school at that age (not quite 11) was terrifying to me. He was definitely not mature enough for that. I was able to keep homeschooling, but when it was time to register I signed him up for 5th grade again. That year seemed to make a big difference. He was a lot more comfortable around the kids in his "grade" that time. He's now 12 (almost 13) and about to start 7th grade. He has grown up quite a bit over the past two years. I would feel comfortable with his being in middle school now, but I hope that I can always homeschool my kids. :)

[kalanamak]

He fits socially much better with kids 1-2 years younger.

 

 

I have a relative who took to 24 to "grow up", IMO. I was 6 years younger than he, but when people met us, they thought I was the elder, even when I was only 16.

 

He was still making race-car noises with squealing brakes in the car when he was 17. He pretended he was a bird into his teens, squawking and making "nests" in the garage. He had trouble finishing high school. I am betting the elders worried.

 

But somewhere in his twenties he got it together and got through law school, and somewhere in his thirties he finally had a serious relationship and married and had a child. Now, pushing 60, he is athletic and youthful, and just lovely to have as a helpful and gentle family member. He was especially attentive to his parents.

 

Just a very late bloomer.

Edited July 24, 2010 by kalanamak

[Peela]

My ds14 is like that and has always been immature...but yes, he is "catching up" now. The last 6 months have seen him change immensely and really mature. The leaders at Scouts notice it. Relatives notice it. It seems to correspond with maturing physically, in his case. He has grown a lot in the last 6 months.

He has tended to play with younger kids mostly. The boys in the street are younger and he is the "leader" of them. But nowadays he is getting on better with kids his own age, too. He also loves much older boys where his immaturity doenst matter because he is obviously the youngest.

School wise, he repeated a year before he homeschooled and I just teach him at his own level. Sport wise...it didnt seem to matter. He got into the bottom team anyway and they were all like that! He is an excellent gymnist so age never mattered there.

His dad was a late maturer also. For some males, I do think its their 20s before they really mature. Other might be late teens. But there are many, many so called "immature' ones and I think "immature" might be pretty normal.

[74Heaven]

I don't have much to add, but I wanted to mention "later puberty". I know for some this isn't the root cause, but both of my older teen girls had very late puberty. They were basically about 12-16months behind their "average" age-level peers (and 2-3+ years behind early onset puberty girls) in going thru puberty.

 

Thus, there were awkward months where they were still acting foolish and giggly and socially immature - and no one (certainly not the other teens) and not even the other moms realized that my daughters were acting "age-appropriate" because they still had kids' minds and bodies; not womanly ones.... It took me almost all the way thru puberty for my oldest for me to figure out why she "acted" so young compared to her friends.

 

So I wonder how many of these kids we are discussing in this thread might also be late puberty candidates? Something to think about.

lj

[mktkcb]

yep, right there with ya. DS 13 has always been small and somewhat immature. Being mildly spd doesn't help. Thankfully he had a fall bday, so socially, I was able to keep him in the lower grade. He's somewhat of a bully magnet as he gets easily frustrated/angry. He's getting there. He's in all manner of social situations regularly (theater, scouts, AWANA, church, etc..) which gives him constant opportunities to practice, and I coach him pretty closely. He still likes to play, gravitates to kids 1-2 yrs younger, who are still into pokemon/bakugan etc. He is NOT cool or "into" sports the way lots of boys his age are, so that makes it hard. He's a geeky musician type. He'll get there, as I said. He's made lots of progress over time. Being gifted/mildly spd doesn't help either. sigh. 20's huh? ooookkkayyyy.

[AuntPol]

He's male. Most males are immature. Some of them just learn to find more acceptable ways to express it. I was a Marine and thus worked mostly with men. They all still made noises, farted on each other, played with toys, read comics, and acted silly in general. They would stop when females (other than me) were around.

 

I see nothing wrong with playing with action figures at 10. My son will be 10 in September and still plays with them and so his friends. He doesn't have a ton of friends and does have trouble fitting in (Aspie) but if he gets a kid with similar interests, he's fine. He does well with much older kids (same intellectual level) and much younger kids (he's a good leader). He's athletic and on several teams but usually he is more immature than the others from my observations. It helps him that he is one of the best catchers in the league and my husband is the beloved coach and so the others don't harass him. However, he doesn't hang out with anyone from the team either. He does hang out with kids from his historical swordfighting class, lego league, Scouts, etc. Then he will struggle at some church events depending on who shows up.

 

ANyway, from my observation of the 4th/5th grade scouts last year, most of the 5th grade boys made a huge leap in maturity around March-June. I mean HUGE!

 

Way back when I was in school, the boys were still playing with them in 5th and 6th grade. They probably played with them in 7th and 8th grade but I don't remember as that is when we girls stopped playing with boys and started liking them but they usually didn't like us back until 9th grade or even later. That was back when we had junior high instead of middle school and the dawn of video games.

 

My 11 yo daughter is going into 6th grade and is about average maturity compared to her friends. She fits in very well socially and is probably one of the more popular girls in the neighborhood, church, homeschool group, and was very popular in public school. However, she still plays with her Barbies, Polly Pockets, and My Little Pet Shop. She still loves to read Magic Rainbow Fairy books and was wanting me to get her the Jewel Kingdom series again. She can and does read appropriate age level stuff too as well as more mature things like Bulfinch's Mythology and Michael Chrichton books. I just see it as normal for preteens to be one foot in childhood and one foot in young adulthood and to do it at varying levels.

[LibraryLover]

So he is not hs'd? Ok, I read he just turned 10, a late summer b'day. Around here some of those children would only be going into 4th grade, noth 5th, which is not middle school here. Middle school is 6th grade here, and only a few years ago, it was part of the elementary schools. It's social construct, not a biological one. Did you see SWB's video of rest time? Her preteen and teen boys were playing with/setting up? little objects (soldiers? Don't recall), and one is seen showing his bacterial toy stuffies. I think that is great.

 

We have a very mixed- age core group of hsers and it common to find 11 or 12 yr olds (of both genders) playing some games with the 8 & 9 year olds. In fact, my two dds are 6.5 years apart and they still have many things in common. One boy in our group (11) is best friends with his 7 yr old brother and another 10 and 8 yr old. I would not say the 11 yr old is immature, and I wouldn't say the younger children are overly mature. They just enjoy some of the same games. They enjoy *playing*. It's easier for them because they are all hsers, and one thing hsers can do without negative social ramifications many that kids in school can't, is enjoy the company of multi-age friends.

 

I want to say your kid seems totally fine...so what if he enjoys playing games instead of sitting off to the side listening to his iPod? It's great he wants to *play*. An 11 yr old is *not* too old to enjoy lego and Pokemon and whatnot. Playing Marco! Polo! is much more fun that sitting on the sidelines worrying about boys (or girls) and not wanting to get your hair all wet and messed. Is this the sort of thing you're worried about? The 11 yr old boys I know play. I don't think there is a thing wrong with them.

Edited July 24, 2010 by LibraryLover

[SailorMom]

He sounds totally normal to me :) I have one son who matured too fast - he's almost 14, but everyone thinks he's much older - and one who is 12.5 who is behind a bit socially. He is fine academically, really tough, into sports, and in fact - is in Wash. DC with Boy Scouts for Jamboree and will be gone two weeks without any problems.

However - he still LOVES army men, is one of the only kids his age to still play with "toys", and tends to become close friends with kids a year or more younger than him.

I was also a bit like this - but a girl version :) I kinda figured it out at 14 or 15, and by the time I was 16 you never would have known I was socially clueless that long:D

He'll be fine - don't sweat it.

[lovetobehome]

My son is like this, he is 10. He plays legos ALL the time. He is still entertained watching Bob the Builder or Thomas the Tank with our 3 yo. But I attribute this to being at home and not being pushed into the 'cool' stuff. He has no peer pressure. He can be who he is. Heck, I am still entertained by Bob the Builder! :-)

I actually think this is a GOOD thing.

We found other sweet boys who were homeschooled. His best friend is actually a 12 yo who is still WAY into legos and Bionicles. But he also has other friends who are his age and younger.

He still cries when he is frustrated and upset. Again, I think he hasn't been bullied into acting a certain way.

I have seen him mature a lot in the last 6 months, as far as becoming more responsible and growing up. Being more helpful, less self-centered, trying to grow into being a man...but he is doing it on his own way, with his dad as his mentor.

HTH!

[sparrow]

I was also a bit like this - but a girl version :) I kinda figured it out at 14 or 15, and by the time I was 16 you never would have known I was socially clueless that long:D

He'll be fine - don't sweat it.

 

Me too :001_smile:.

 

My parents pulled me out of ps and put me in a very small, private christian school in 6th grade. There was almost a one room school house sort of vibe there with only 2-3 kids per grade. I was thrilled that I got to play with dolls and pass it off as "helping the younger kids" :D. I begged my parents to put me back in ps the second semester of 8th grade. My old ps friends were changing and I discovered that playing dolls with 3rd graders wasn't as much fun anymore.

 

BTW, my 10 yo son is also immature. I love him that way. He's a leader to the younger boys in scouts, but has a harder time connecting with boys his age. He actually does a little better with older boys, say 14-16. They find him endearing for some reason:001_smile:.