Help me understand the introverts, please? Some questions inside.

[Lisa R.]

We've had many threads on this topic. It appears that many of the posters here seem to call into the introvert category. Your posts have really helped me understand the actions of others which previously puzzled me.

 

First, I feel like I have a little bit of both qualities. I recharge when I'm around my friends and out and about town. However, I also need time alone daily, particularly at the end of the day, or I feel frazzled or overstimulated. On the scale of introvert/extrovert, I think I'm smack-dab in the middle.

 

However, I see that many of you true introverts (those that don't need to be around others to recharge) who only wish to be around your family. I'm asking the ones who say that they don't need friends outside their family.

 

How do you picture your life after your kids grow up? If your kids grow up and don't live near you, will you be content without outside friends or do you think you would require other friends at that point? If your grown kids lived in your town, would you expect them to visit/call often (a couple of times a week)?

 

I hope these questions don't offend. I'm genuinely curious about this whole introvert/extrovert thing.

[Pink Fairy]

I do have friends, but to be very honest, I am content to be alone. I don't know how my life will play out, but being lonely isn't something I worry about.

[rafiki]

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[littlebug42]

I have friends but I don't see them very often. I am very close to my siblings and my dh and I would be perfectly content with just those relationships (other than my kids of course). I occasionally feel the need to get out of the house but honestly I would prefer to do that alone or with my dh. I wasn't always like that but I certainly am now.

[elegantlion]

I'll probably get more active in the writing community where ever we live, but aside from that I'll be content to spend my day in quiet reflection, writing, and catching up on all the books I need to read.

[Joanne]

However, I see that many of you true introverts (those that don't need to be around others to recharge) who only wish to be around your family. I'm asking the ones who say that they don't need friends outside their family.

 

To me, this is not introversion. A person may feel that way and be an introvert, but I don't believe "only being around family" is an introverted characteristic. I believe it to be a different dynamic/category.

[StephanieZ]

IMHO, what you are describing is more anti-social than introverted.

(There may be some better word than anti-social, but I am pretty sure it's not introversion that you are talking about.)

 

The definition of introvert is that you recharge via alone time vs an extrovert who recharges via time w/others.

 

However, that doesn't mean that introverted people don't enjoy/want social relationships and experiences. It's just that we find them tiring and have a real need for *some amount* of alone time on a regular basis.

 

I.e., I love social times and have many friends. I'd be lonely and sad w/o them. . .But, when the party is over or the day is done. . . I *must* have my alone time to rebalance. Even if that means staying up until the wee hours so I can get a couple hours of peace. . . I just need that alone time.

[Crimson Wife]

The definition of introvert is that you recharge via alone time vs an extrovert who recharges via time w/others.

 

However, that doesn't mean that introverted people don't enjoy/want social relationships and experiences. It's just that we find them tiring and have a real need for *some amount* of alone time on a regular basis.

 

I.e., I love social times and have many friends. I'd be lonely and sad w/o them. . .But, when the party is over or the day is done. . . I *must* have my alone time to rebalance. Even if that means staying up until the wee hours so I can get a couple hours of peace. . . I just need that alone time.

 

:iagree:

I was a member of a sorority in college and do enjoy spending time with my friends. But at the same time, it's draining. After interacting with people, I need some solitude (reading, exercise, taking a shower, napping, etc.) to relax.

 

This is the source of an ongoing conflict between me and my super-extroverted DD. Being with other people works her up while it tires me out. We'll come home from events and she'll be bouncing off the wall while I need some peace & quiet. :glare:

[fairfarmhand]

I

 

The definition of introvert is that you recharge via alone time vs an extrovert who recharges via time w/others.

 

However, that doesn't mean that introverted people don't enjoy/want social relationships and experiences. It's just that we find them tiring and have a real need for *some amount* of alone time on a regular basis.

 

I.e., I love social times and have many friends. I'd be lonely and sad w/o them. . .But, when the party is over or the day is done. . . I *must* have my alone time to rebalance. Even if that means staying up until the wee hours so I can get a couple hours of peace. . . I just need that alone time.

 

:iagree:

 

This is totally me!

[Sophia]

I'm an introvert who enjoys company, just not too much or for too long :tongue_smilie: I'm surrounded by extroverts in my family-your sympathies are welcome.

 

By the time my youngest is 18, I will be 60 and am hoping I will have transitioned into the doting grandmother stage.

 

However, should the Lord choose to scatter my children and grandchildren around the world, then yes, I would likely concentrate on cultivating some relationships with other women. A prayer group maybe? Be a surrogate grandma to children in my neighborhood? Call my bff from college more often?

I would not want to be in a silent house all day, every day, as appealing as that sounds right now.

 

Does that help?:)

[Lisa R.]

IMHO, what you are describing is more anti-social than introverted.

(There may be some better word than anti-social, but I am pretty sure it's not introversion that you are talking about.)

 

The definition of introvert is that you recharge via alone time vs an extrovert who recharges via time w/others.

 

However, that doesn't mean that introverted people don't enjoy/want social relationships and experiences. It's just that we find them tiring and have a real need for *some amount* of alone time on a regular basis.

 

 

 

Ok, now I'm confused. There have been multiple threads where people are hurt that they've reached out and that no one has reciprocated the friendship offered. Many posted and said, "I don't need friends. I just like being around my family." I understood these people to describe themselves as introverts. (Trust me when I say I understand the need for alone time.:))

 

I don't think these people would describe themselves as anti-social, but rather true introverts. Put another way, they are introverts without some small part of extrovert in them.

[Joanne]

 

Ok, now I'm confused. There have been multiple threads where people are hurt that they've reached out and that no one has reciprocated the friendship offered. Many posted and said, "I don't need friends. I just like being around my family." I understood these people to describe themselves as introverts. (Trust me when I say I understand the need for alone time.:))

 

I don't think these people would describe themselves as anti-social, but rather true introverts. Put another way, they are introverts without some small part of extrovert in them.

 

I *really* don't want to have this conversation. ;) I don't believe it's healthy or by Design that people stay home without friends (support, community). I don't think that is a function of introversion and in most cases, I think it's unhealthy.

 

People may call it introversion. Many assume, for example, that introverts don't interact much, are uncomfortable in groups, etc. But that's not it. It takes introverts a lot of emotional energy to provide sustained interaction (with family or anyone else). Yet, they can and do interact, often quite gregariously!

 

After the event, or interaction they want to be alone to recharge/refuel.

 

Extroverts get drained if they haven't interacted with people. But, again, it's not about social *style*. There are extroverts, for example, who interact much less than I do in social settings but, while there, they are getting recharged while I am getting drained.

[Daisy]

I guess I'm anti-social and introverted.

 

I loathe social interactions but I'm quite good at them. I can fake it. I'm even a good public speaker, but I hate groups.

 

I'm the type person who is overstimulated by social interactions. I don't know if I can even explain this.

 

I sit in the car before hand and my husband has to just about drag me into the event. It gives me a lot of anxiety. Then I'm all smiles, all ears, blah, blah, blah, until I can finally get back home to quiet. No one has a clue that I'm hating it.

 

It is like I walked into a room and I notice everyone's body language, who is sitting in the corner, who is laughing, who is angry. I hear too many conversations. I tend to be (unfortunately) someone people enjoy talking to. They *think* I'm a good listener when in reality I'm almost dissecting their words, body language, etc. Lame, I know. It really makes me feel bad.

 

Then I'm just flat out exhausted by all of that noise, I was never interested in hearing to begin with, and can't wait to get home.

[Barb_]

Here, try this website:

 

The Introvert Advantage

 

I've read her books and they helped me understand my introverted children.

 

Barb

[Joanne]

I guess I'm anti-social and introverted.

 

I loathe social interactions but I'm quite good at them. I can fake it. I'm even a good public speaker, but I hate groups.

 

I'm the type person who is overstimulated by social interactions. I don't know if I can even explain this.

 

I sit in the car before hand and my husband has to just about drag me into the event. It gives me a lot of anxiety. Then I'm all smiles, all ears, blah, blah, blah, until I can finally get back home to quiet. No one has a clue that I'm hating it.

 

It is like I walked into a room and I notice everyone's body language, who is sitting in the corner, who is laughing, who is angry. I hear too many conversations. I tend to be (unfortunately) someone people enjoy talking to. They *think* I'm a good listener when in reality I'm almost dissecting their words, body language, etc. Lame, I know. It really makes me feel bad.

 

Then I'm just flat out exhausted by all of that noise, I was never interested in hearing to begin with, and can't wait to get home.

 

 

This sounds introverted. You go, you interact, you participate. You are done before starting. ;)

[Daisy]

This sounds introverted. You go, you interact, you participate. You are done before starting. ;)

 

I only go because my husband makes me. ;) :lol:

[jplain]

Joanne, I think we're on the same page, but I wanted to extend what you're saying a bit.

 

I don't believe it's healthy or by Design that people stay home without friends (support, community). I don't think that is a function of introversion and in most cases, I think it's unhealthy.

I think in most cases the individuals you're referring to DO have adequate support/community. However, when asked, they may not refer to those interactions as friendships. This leads to the perception that they are alone and friendless.

 

Some who claim to have no friends may rely on a spouse, adult siblings, and/or other extended family for companionship. Some may experience community as a member of a church, without feeling any need to develop deep friendships with fellow congregants. Some may satisfy their need for companionship via interactions with coworkers, or via volunteer work, etc.

Edited June 16, 2010 by jplain

[Mejane]

I'm an introvert. I have plenty of friends whom I see regularly. I volunteer. I attend business functions, theater, and family get-togethers. I chat with people in stores. I do all these things just like extroverts do; I just need as much or more alone time after doing them to recharge. I plan to spend more time in the company of people after my kids are gone because I plan to go back to work - social work. Weird, huh? :)

[m4given]

I'm an introvert. I have plenty of friends whom I see regularly. I volunteer. I attend business functions, theater, and family get-togethers. I chat with people in stores. I do all these things just like extroverts do; I just need as much or more alone time after doing them to recharge. I plan to spend more time in the company of people after my kids are gone because I plan to go back to work - social work. Weird, huh? :)

 

I think introverted personalities can make great social workers. Lots of reflection, deeper thinking & insight goes on.

To expand on what you said here: What I'm wondering is how do you tend to interact best in a social setting? Is it one on one? The reason I ask is because that's how it is with me. I can do the whole group thing, but find most satisfaction with talking one-on-one with people. Then yup, I recharge best at home or in a quiet manner.

Shucks, posting is therapeutic for me - the introvert that I am.

[Joanne]

I think introverted personalities can make great social workers. Lots of reflection, deeper thinking & insight goes on.

To expand on what you said here: What I'm wondering is how do you tend to interact best in a social setting? Is it one on one? The reason I ask is because that's how it is with me. I can do the whole group thing, but find most satisfaction with talking one-on-one with people. Then yup, I recharge best at home or in a quiet manner.

Shucks, posting is therapeutic for me - the introvert that I am.

 

That's why I like message boards! Interaction on my timetable and less draining.

[Guest janainaz]

I'm an introvert and I'd like to have more friends. However, for this season of my life, while my kids are still somewhat young, I don't have the time to dedicate to a friendship in the way I'd like. When the weekends come, while I like getting together once in a while with friends, my time is more dedicated to my family. As my sons get older, they spend more "dad" time and that does leave me free time....to sit on this computer :glare:

 

I hope my kids always stay close and I hope that I have grandkids around. But I also hope that I have a full and balanced life. I hope I still enjoy hanging out with my dh, and I hope that I find some good friends that are in the same place that I am. I guess empty nesters came help comfort one another - that's my hope.

 

I have yet to meet a friend where I live locally that I want to hang out with. I've found ones in other states, but unfortunately not where I'm at.

[Mejane]

I think introverted personalities can make great social workers. Lots of reflection, deeper thinking & insight goes on.

 

To expand on what you said here: What I'm wondering is how do you tend to interact best in a social setting? Is it one on one? The reason I ask is because that's how it is with me. I can do the whole group thing, but find most satisfaction with talking one-on-one with people. Then yup, I recharge best at home or in a quiet manner.

 

Shucks, posting is therapeutic for me - the introvert that I am.

 

I absolutely do best one-on-one, but I will force myself out of my comfort zone and join a group. I used to give presentations in my former life: torturous, but it took me out of myself. Of course, I needed a week to recharge after doing one. :) I also love the internet. It satisfies that urge to connect without the face-to-face.

[jplain]

I can do the whole group thing, but find most satisfaction with talking one-on-one with people.

Interesting. Often, I find one-on-one interactions to be too intense for comfort, unless it is a very close friend or family member. I usually prefer small group interactions, where I can participate as desired, but can also stay quiet if I choose.

[tonersl]

I have friends but I don't see them very often. I am very close to my siblings and my dh and I would be perfectly content with just those relationships (other than my kids of course). I occasionally feel the need to get out of the house but honestly I would prefer to do that alone or with my dh. I wasn't always like that but I certainly am now.

:iagree:(Thank you for summing my feelings up so well!!!!)

 

Shannon in NC

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

Interesting. Often, I find one-on-one interactions to be too intense for comfort, unless it is a very close friend or family member. I usually prefer small group interactions, where I can participate as desired, but can also stay quiet if I choose.

 

Me too, but I'm one of those anti-social introverts with no friends. Watch out!

[Daisy]

Interesting. Often, I find one-on-one interactions to be too intense for comfort, unless it is a very close friend or family member. I usually prefer small group interactions, where I can participate as desired, but can also stay quiet if I choose.

 

:iagree: I prefer to be the bug on the wall whenever possible. :-p I am horrible at small talk, which is why I listen more often than I speak. I tend to talk about things that most people are not interested in and vice versa.

[ereks mom]

 

The definition of introvert is that you recharge via alone time vs an extrovert who recharges via time w/others.

 

However, that doesn't mean that introverted people don't enjoy/want social relationships and experiences. It's just that we find them tiring and have a real need for *some amount* of alone time on a regular basis.

 

 

...my super-extroverted DD. Being with other people works her up while it tires me out. We'll come home from events and she'll be bouncing off the wall while I need some peace & quiet.

 

Both of these describe my situation.

[Ellie]

How do you picture your life after your kids grow up? If your kids grow up and don't live near you, will you be content without outside friends or do you think you would require other friends at that point? If your grown kids lived in your town, would you expect them to visit/call often (a couple of times a week)?

My baby is 33yo, so I think I can answer this. :D

 

Talking to friends on the telephone is often all I need to be content, but I still do feel the need to be out *some.* Interestingly, although I'm an introvert, my spiritual gift is teaching. Go figure. I also love to perform (hence the "hula dancer extraordinaire" in my siggy). I have no fear about speaking to a room full of people.

 

Some teaching wears me out, as when I was doing Miquon with the children in my little one-room school; "regular" teaching doesn't. And I loved being with those dc all day.

 

OTOH, once I was a vendor for a friend at a hs convention, where people were in.my.booth. and in.my.face all.day.long. One woman even cried in my arms. The next day I felt as every nerve in my face was standing on end and needed to be patted down. I had to be in a dark room all by myself. I had gone to another city for this convention as well as to attend a baby shower for a friend whose dh had had a successful vasectomy reversal. My nerve endings couldn't bear to face all those people. :-o

 

Some days I don't even walk outside my front door. Maybe I'm protecting my nerve endings for the times when I have 20 people over after church for a barbecue. :)

[Sophia]

... I plan to go back to work - social work. Weird, huh? :)

 

hey, me too...I'm an introvert and my Bachelor's is in Social Work, and I was halfway done with my M.S.W. before quitting everything to be a sahm.

 

Boy, did I ever need to unwind after work!!

[rafiki]

.

[Mejane]

Strange how so many of we introverts are social workers. Seems counterintuitive, doesn't it?

[rafiki]

.

[rafiki]

.

[ChristusG]

I'm pretty much an introvert....or maybe I'm just shy. I am "wild and crazy" around my family and people whom I know very well. I'll get up and karaoke, act crazy, and fun to be around. But ONLY around people that I know EXTREMELY well....and honestly, that group is not too large. Maybe 15 or 20 people total (this is including hubby, parents, kids, etc).

 

But around anyone else, I am a wallflower. I have no idea how to carry on a conversation with those I do not know. I can be friendly to cashiers, carry on a conversation if someone asks me direct questions, stuff like that....but not an actual back and forth conversation. If I'm in a group of people I do not know well, I'd rather be reading a book, surfing the net on my phone, tending to my kids, scrapbooking, etc. I was the kid in the lunchroom sitting alone and reading a book when I was in school. I wasn't a nerd or an outcast....I just preferred to be alone.

 

But as for your original question....I don't worry about being lonely. I have two daughters whom I hope I will be close to when they are grown. I have my husband. I have two sisters. I have a cousin of my husband's who I consider a friend. Other than that, I don't have any friends....I only have aquaintances.

 

Do I wish I had friends? Sometimes....especailly when I wish we could get all our kids together, let them play, and have adults sit around and chit chat. But then I realize that I probably wouldn't want to get together all that much....I'd probably rather just do my own thing with my own family. And also, I'm very different from other women that I've come across. I tend to be tomboyish, don't care about manicures, facials, ect. I homeschool, I don't drink....at all....and don't care to be around it.....I have very different desires in life for my kids than it seems a lot of mothers do. I just don't really find anyone that I click with.

[Food4Thought]

I loathe social interactions but I'm quite good at them. I can fake it. I'm even a good public speaker, but I hate groups.

 

I'm the type person who is overstimulated by social interactions. I don't know if I can even explain this.

 

I sit in the car before hand and my husband has to just about drag me into the event. It gives me a lot of anxiety. Then I'm all smiles, all ears, blah, blah, blah, until I can finally get back home to quiet. No one has a clue that I'm hating it.

 

 

I feel the exact same way. My husband is a pastor, and I can do the pastor's wife thing, and I really geniunely love the people, but I get WAY overstimulated. I get home from church on Sunday, and I completely pass out. Usually I sleep for 2 or 3 hours on Sunday afternoons because I'm so exhausted, and I don't feel like I *do* anything! It's just all the interactions with people that do me in.

 

Apart from church, I'm one of those who would say I would be just fine with family. I have people I consider my "best friends" who I see maybe once a month. I'm happy to be alone in my thoughts. Sometimes, interacting with a grocery store clerk is really enough for me. I enjoy community living, but I'd be emotionally content without.

[Aubrey]

One semester in college, I had a roommate problem that escalated to the point that I moved out. I got a private room, & it was the first time in my life that I did not share living space with someone.

 

I didn't own a tv. I never got around to plugging in my clock or radio. I left the blinds open--I was on like the 20th floor. I laid in bed at night & looked at the stars; I got up when the sun came up (very unusual for me). I created art. I wrote.

 

In those glorious few months, I *lived.* I withdrew from people more & more, but I became more confident & happy w/ myself, so that when I *was* around people, it didn't bother me as much. I can't describe the bliss enough.

 

When my kids are grown, I will be ok. I've never said that I don't want friends or don't value people--I hope I'll have friends. I just know how rare it is to find the kind of person I can connect with.

 

I realized something recently, though. My best friend now is the mother of an aspie. My best friend in college has since been diagnosed w/ Asperger's. It's as if people who deal w/ that...have more patience for me & don't mind letting me...be.

[Aubrey]

I heard a song on the radio the other day that was very Emily Dickinson--talking about the process of death, & a wisp of hair moving & extremely honed-in details...of a person's death. I was deeply engaged with the ideas, cheerfully contemplating theology, death, philosophy, etc. The person who can sit in the passenger seat next to me & cheerfully discuss these things (enthusiastically?) is not draining.

 

Otoh, think how most people would feel to sit there w/ me & those thoughts. UGH!!! Completely draining for that person. Likewise, typical small talk, etc. is draining for me. I'm content being the extreme minority. I don't insist that people come over for a death-discussion party. But I really don't want to come over to watch football, either. :D

 

Does that help?

 

How about this: imagine a long car ride w/ a bunch of cacophonous toddlers, a blaring radio, & difficult & heavy traffic. All of your senses fully engaged. And the phone rings. The caller wants to chat about...whatever. Are you overloaded?

 

That car, w/ all its cacophony, is my head most of the time. Thinking about what I have to do, narrating what I am doing, imagining what people are thinking, what their childhoods were like, living in stories written & unwritten. Sometimes, I just. can't. handle. any more noise.

[Sophia]

I heard a song on the radio the other day that was very Emily Dickinson--talking about the process of death, & a wisp of hair moving & extremely honed-in details...of a person's death. I was deeply engaged with the ideas, cheerfully contemplating theology, death, philosophy, etc. The person who can sit in the passenger seat next to me & cheerfully discuss these things (enthusiastically?) is not draining.

 

Otoh, think how most people would feel to sit there w/ me & those thoughts. UGH!!! Completely draining for that person. Likewise, typical small talk, etc. is draining for me. I'm content being the extreme minority. I don't insist that people come over for a death-discussion party. But I really don't want to come over to watch football, either. :D

 

 

 

I understand. This is from a site describing INTJ's (which I am)

 

"This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. " (bolding mine)

 

Btw-the thoughts provoked by that song make sense to me!

 

As for the above quote, I wouldn't say I have little understanding, but I would say I have little patience for the social rituals, sigh.

[MeganW]

I guess I'm anti-social and introverted.

 

I loathe social interactions but I'm quite good at them. I can fake it. I'm even a good public speaker, but I hate groups.

 

I'm the type person who is overstimulated by social interactions. I don't know if I can even explain this.

 

I sit in the car before hand and my husband has to just about drag me into the event. It gives me a lot of anxiety. Then I'm all smiles, all ears, blah, blah, blah, until I can finally get back home to quiet. No one has a clue that I'm hating it.

 

It is like I walked into a room and I notice everyone's body language, who is sitting in the corner, who is laughing, who is angry. I hear too many conversations. I tend to be (unfortunately) someone people enjoy talking to. They *think* I'm a good listener when in reality I'm almost dissecting their words, body language, etc. Lame, I know. It really makes me feel bad.

 

Then I'm just flat out exhausted by all of that noise, I was never interested in hearing to begin with, and can't wait to get home.

 

That describes me to a tee! I can't tell you how much I WANT to go and enjoy social events, and look forward to them, and then the day of, I find myself sitting on the floor crying and not wanting to go. Then I go, and am all smiles & fun to be with, but man am I tired when I get home! After something like DH's work Christmas party, I will find myself napping for several days in a row afterward as I "recover".

[Shelly in the Country]

How about this: imagine a long car ride w/ a bunch of cacophonous toddlers, a blaring radio, & difficult & heavy traffic. All of your senses fully engaged. And the phone rings. The caller wants to chat about...whatever. Are you overloaded?

 

That car, w/ all its cacophony, is my head most of the time. Thinking about what I have to do, narrating what I am doing, imagining what people are thinking, what their childhoods were like, living in stories written & unwritten. Sometimes, I just. can't. handle. any more noise.

 

Wow, that sounds very familiar.

 

"This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. " (bolding mine)

 

 

I'm an INTJ, too. I can completely relate to that description. And I already feel like I've shared too much :lol:.

 

And this was my first multi-quoted message! I'm so proud of me :001_smile:.

[lllll]

..

[Peela]

INFP here. Quite introverted but also quite capable of socialising. As others have said, I need to be alone afterwards to recharge- but I still get nourishment from being around people and value my friends, and even the ocasional party. I dont do small talk very well either, but I find I can manage.

 

At the moment, I do not have much of a social life, but I am running a Womans Group one evening a week which is stretching me incredibly. I also do a dance class, and I socialise with my husband's work- his people are friends to us and we have frequent social ocasions. I do have friends but just now don't see them very much. Mostly, my days are spent with the kids, with dh, alone, and with an ocasional social event.

 

However....I would never want to rely on my family alone for social interaction, and I do believe that could be quite unhealthy (not saying anyone here is doing that- how would I know? ). I would really not want my kids to feel they couldn't move away from me to live in another town or country, if that is what they felt drawn to do. I don't want them to feel any sense of obligation to me, to support me emotionally, to needing to contact me regularly. Yes, I would like to be around them as adults, nad I do hope they want to stay in contact, however I dont want my life to revolve around them, or to rely on them too much at all, emotionally or socially. I believe that is quite a selfish way of thinking, and kids need to feel completely free to follow their own paths and dreams. Families that foster too much dependence- and I know some- are not healthy, in my eyes. It puts too much burden on the kids, and usually there is a lot of guilt and manipulation going on to keep the kids feeling obligated towards the parents.The kids then have an unhealthy attachment that stretches beyond childhood,and often manipulate or come home to parents long after they should be standing on their own two feet. Families can still be close and supportive without members being co-dependent.

My neighbours are retired, and have all 3 adult children living with them, plus a grandchild, due to divorces. This has been months now- I woudl say those adults are quite disfunctional My cousins had to move far away from their mother to get some healthy space from her, and she has still ended up moving across the country, with her boyfriend, to live with- yes, with- one of them. The cousin is not strong enough to say no, yet she doesnt want it! The other cousin left the country!

Family dynamics can be very compicated and messy and I think it is important to maintain individuality and not get too enmeshed. Relationships should support each other to be separate and independent, not create unhealthy dependence.

 

Just my 2cents. I have many friends and aquaintances and have lived in the same area for 25 years...once my kids move on and i am not needing to be with them every day all day....I wont have a problem spreading out, and socialising more widely. I will also enjoy plenty of alone time, but I already get that now. I will probably work more and/or join up to more activities, and/or spend more time with dh and even help with his work. I know I will be ok. Something about teens makes it feel like its ok that they move out someday!

[m4given]

Here, try this website:

 

The Introvert Advantage

 

I've read her books and they helped me understand my introverted children.

 

Barb

I'm just checking out this site - I love it. This author seems to answer a lot of the OP's questions -- and mine too. Thanks for linking it.

 

I only go because my husband makes me. ;) :lol:

You make me chuckle! I think it's great how you frequently face the tiger, but then find your ways to unwind.

 

Interesting. Often, I find one-on-one interactions to be too intense for comfort, unless it is a very close friend or family member. I usually prefer small group interactions, where I can participate as desired, but can also stay quiet if I choose.

I can understand that too. There are certain situations which I highly dread because I don't want to be with certain individuals. I know that as a teenager I dreaded social gatherings. I wish I understood myself a bit better than. (Not that I have it down pat now. :tongue_smilie:)

[DarlaS]

True introverts are busy with "stuff" vs activities. We always have projects going at the house, in our mind, hobbies, researching, organizing, lists, etc.

 

:iagree:

 

Especially with the projects in our mind part. :D

 

This week my boys and I are are re-planking our deck, finishing up a living room remodel (got a drywall guy to help and it's getting DONE!) and in my mind I'm planning out the deck railings, outdoor furniture I'm planning to build, a back door repair, and a new vanity for the kid's bathroom (to name a few). I'm actually enjoying and looking forward to this stuff!

 

My introverted 16 yo is really getting into the deck repair, but 13 yo is craving a little time with friends--so we'll need to take a day off soon.

[Food4Thought]

I'm an INTJ, too. I can completely relate to that description. And I already feel like I've shared too much :lol:.

 

 

I like you. :D

[Ellie]

Daisy, we are soul sisters.:)

[Daisy]

Daisy, we are soul sisters.:)

 

Aww, that's nice. And see we don't even have to meet and do the dreaded socialize thing. We can just be online soul sisters and perfectly content.

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

In all the personality tests that I have taken, introversion is my highest scoring attribute. However, I need friends- a few people that don't overwhelm me. I like to go to events and parties with other people, but I'm even happier when I get home and can relax again.

 

I would go crazy if I never got out of the house. That being said, when I am out, I often enjoy the "alone in a crowd" feeling. My favorite day of the week is the day I go grocery shopping, all by myself. I get in the car, turn on the radio, and my spirit soars just driving down our country roads to the nearest town. I walk through a few stores, get my groceries, and drive back home a couple hours later, totally refreshed.

 

When I have no more kids at home, which won't be till I'm over 60, maybe I'll just stay home and putter, maybe I'll volunteer at a learning center, maybe life will naturally just fill up with things to do. I would really like to travel with dh. I haven't decided what I want to do when I grow up, yet.

 

I used to try to reinvent myself, but it never worked. In the last couple of years, I've become much more comfortable in my own skin. I realized that I'm still the same person I've always been and I decided not to fight it any longer.

Edited June 17, 2010 by Virginia Dawn

[Aubrey]

I understand. This is from a site describing INTJ's (which I am)

 

"This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. " (bolding mine)

 

Btw-the thoughts provoked by that song make sense to me!

 

As for the above quote, I wouldn't say I have little understanding, but I would say I have little patience for the social rituals, sigh.

 

INTJ. I can't tell you how many times I've told dh he shouldn't feel something because it's illogical. However...he likes logic & intelligence, so that's the equivalent of calling him stupid (I learned the hard way).

 

I don't have feelings about it. 2+2 just = 4. The more I *feel* for people or things, the more I turn to thinking, & it comes across as cold. Maybe it is cold. Like armor. But you don't decide things w/ feelings. Feelings change, so you set them aside & decide w/ reason.

 

Unfortunately, when it comes to flirting & relationships, well...it was very off-putting for some guys in highschool when I explained that...nevermind. :lol: I was a surprising date. Some never called again; others wanted to get married immediately. There was never anyone in between. :001_huh:

[Dawn in OH]

True introverts are busy with "stuff" vs activities. We always have projects going at the house, in our mind, hobbies, researching, organizing, lists, etc. As we go through life we all enter different phases. The phases will change, but family and a few long lasting, close friends remain a high priority.

 

Introverts are typically very loyal and dependable. We'll come prepared or welcome you at our house with open arms, but won't smother you or intrude. It's more of a quality, not quantity thing. Does this help?

 

As an introvert, that sounds pretty darn accurate.