dancer67 Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 My 11 yo has some friends from the public schools from when she attended a few years back. Sometimes, when we are out and about, like at the library for example, some of the other middle school kids will stare at her and call her the "Weird Homeschooled Girl". She will sometimes go to a Church dance. And some of the public school kids will say this to her there as well. Because of this, she feels like she needs to go back to school.(Which she is not going back, she just says this) We do not have ANY homeschool groups here locally. And we do not have any homeschooled families closeby. What would be your advice to her if she were your child? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 Ugh, that's tough. Does she have other activities that she's deeply involved in? That can help -- having friends who share an interest and a commitment to *something*... I'd also take a hard look at the surface stuff. Is she choosing to wear clothes that are totally outside the socially acceptable norms? I'm not talking about dressing like a little tart or wearing expensive brands, etc, but are there things she's wearing that just "mark" her as different (and not in a good way)? I mention this because I *was* a "weird home schooled girl" in the 80s. ;) And I totally wore the jumpers and Keds. ;) I'm sure the "weird home schooled" look has evolved in 20 years, but perhaps there *are* some choices that would make her stick out less? ... By the same token, is she completely cut off from the interests of her age-mates? Does she speak in a way that sounds odd and stilted to them? ... Maybe she doesn't. I sure did though! ;) The other thing is that eleven is just hard. And *any* differences at this age will be magnified, no matter what. And they hurt. And that's just really, really hard. But at least we don't have to stay 11-13 forever! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 People are mean sometimes. They use stereotypes and put others down to make them feel better about themselves. Anytime you do something that sets yourself apart from the norm, and sounds like you're the only one in your area, it sets you up to be seen as weird. Once you step outside of your little circle of people you see how vast and diverse the world really is it doesn't seem weird at all. Have you heard the crab analogy? If you have one crab in a bucket you have to put a lid on it because it will climb out. Once you have two or more no lid needed, the crabs will pull each other back down. I don't know if that's true or not, but it creates a great visual. 11 is a hard age to feel different. Since she is a dancer I would pull bios from famous dancers and have her read. I'll bet many of them grew up in different situations and were seen as weird. My ds is into science and I've had him read a few scientist bios to see that his dislike for school and quirky habits could be part of being a great scientist...or whatever he chooses to be. Of course, we embrace our weirdness, we'd be that way even if we didn't homeschool. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dancer67 Posted June 2, 2010 Author Share Posted June 2, 2010 She actually dresses like any other kid. Just jeans and t-shirts. It is really a tween issue with these kids. They see someone different, and they just have to point it out. When my 17 yo dd is with my 11 yo, and these kids look at her the wrong way or say anything, my 17 yo tells them off. She is quite protective of her sister. It just makes me feel so bad for her. And I want to make sure she understands that you cannot live your life by anyones elses standards except your own. Otherwise, if you are always a follower to make others happy, you will not be happy yourself. KWIM? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda in VT Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 My daughter isn't homeschooled, but I recently told her that now is the time to use all the verbal sass she gets in trouble for using on adults. Practice saying, "So?" with a lot of disdain.:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 "Yup, that's me!" :D Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 Fixing the homeschool part would not stop kids from calling names. I'm sorry this is happening to your daughter. Try some role playing with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dancer67 Posted June 2, 2010 Author Share Posted June 2, 2010 Guess I will have to get that "sass" into her.....LOL. You would think she would have picked that up from her older sister..:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom2legomaniacs Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 We have been fortunate here. Our boys have bffs (that are in public school) who thrive on being weird/nerdy/etc. If they are told they are weird, they very cheerfully Thank the person saying it. And we've always said that every person on the planet is weird. We all are, let's face it. The hurtful comments stink though. Kids can be very cruel. Well, people are very cruel and hurtful. I don't have any great advice except to share our view of that label around here. And to 2nd what Abbey said too. She's good! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomOfOneFunOne Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 I think this is outrageous!!! If my daughter were doing that, I would really, truly want to know. Wouldn't you? Do you have recourse to the parents b/c I would want to have a serious talk with my kiddo for saying that kind of thing and I'd like to think they would, too. You understand that these people are not, in fact, friends, right? I don't really think that having her be ugly back to them is a good idea but I like Tara's idea of embracing who she is and showing it . . . maybe they'll get the idea and embrace her for who and what she is, too. I really think this is far, far, better than being sassy. I just asked my girl if this has ever happened to her. She said that once, last yr in a play, she over-heard the cast bully say, behind my girl's back, "look at the weird homeschooler." I asked what my girl did about it and she said that she didn't know if she was being spoken about specifically since there were a couple of hs girls in the play but, in any case, she didnt' do anything. I didn't know that this had happened. I'm so blue about it. This is something for me to think on . . . Oh, one other thing . . . I'm sure your kiddo isn't doing it but I do hear homeschoolers and their parents (even here, even myself:sad:) denigrating public schoolers. When we paint with a broad brush like that, we get everyone and how can individual ppl not feel that we mean them specifically? I think making certain that we are not guilty of denigrating them first is a good step. Those girls may assume that your lovely girl is looking down on them from her ivory tower. I mean, you know the reputation we have as homeschoolers. Maybe she could show them somehow that she isn't. It would be so so hard to make the first move with girls like that but if she did and they discovered that she is indeed lovely and kind and not what they were thinking at all maybe . . . I just think this is awful and sad and I'm very sorry it's happening to your girl.:grouphug:to you and :grouphug:to her! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OhM Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 I think this is outrageous!!! If my daughter were doing that, I would really, truly want to know. Wouldn't you? Do you have recourse to the parents b/c I would want to have a serious talk with my kiddo for saying that kind of thing and I'd like to think they would, too. Sadly, around here it's often the parents that are influencing, or at least encouraging the ostracizing. In my 12yo's social group, there are several moms who are so desperate for their daughters to be part of the "in" crowd that they encourage them to exclude friends who aren't helping their social standing. I think the idea is to drop the "loser" friends before the girl gets excluded herself. The irony is that most of the other kids know by now to stay away from them because they're not "nice"! These parents are the same ones to sit and complain about the "mean girls" without even acknowledging that they are the ones creating them! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 Hateful little creatures. How about having her say, "Well, if you're normal, I'm glad I'm weird." :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BridgeTea Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 I like to find youtubes for my 11yo formerly public-schooled daughter. There are several by and about homeschoolers. One of her favorites is B.O.B. Homeschool Girl--Sims: It seems to empower her a little, and reminds her to embrace, own, and celebrate what she's doing for her education. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dancer67 Posted June 2, 2010 Author Share Posted June 2, 2010 Hateful little creatures. How about having her say, "Well, if you're normal, I'm glad I'm weird." :glare: LOL............Good one. And no, these kids are NOT her friends. They are just kids from the local middle school she will see around town. There parents are just as bad. Trust me.:confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 Mine lost most of her p.s. friends over this sort of thing. She has different taste in hair, clothes, reading, and music, and that got her ostracized. Thankfully she still has homeschooled and private school friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 Guess I will have to get that "sass" into her.....LOL. You would think she would have picked that up from her older sister..:D One thing that is very important to impress upon your daughter is that she is wonderful the way she is and to acknowledge that what the other kids are doing is mean. Then you can go on to give her tools to deal with this. She needs to understand that she can't change them, even if they are doing something wrong. She can only change how she reacts. If you go straight to the "change how you behave and they won't do this" part, she may internalize this as meaning that she is somehow deficient and deserves this treatment. It is a subtle difference on the outside, but can make a world of difference on the inside. Been there, done that, bought the low self-esteem that went with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda in VT Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 I don't really think that having her be ugly back to them is a good idea but I like Tara's idea of embracing who she is and showing it . . . maybe they'll get the idea and embrace her for who and what she is, too. I really think this is far, far, better than being sassy. I guess there are different kinds of sass. My daughter's sass is more of a "why should I care what you think? I'm going to do my own thing" sort of a message. I don't encourage insulting others. But I definitely don't mind her letting other kids know she doesn't really care what they think about her clothes or her hair or whatever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen+4dc Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 One thing that is very important to impress upon your daughter is that she is wonderful the way she is and to acknowledge that what the other kids are doing is mean. Then you can go on to give her tools to deal with this. She needs to understand that she can't change them, even if they are doing something wrong. She can only change how she reacts. If you go straight to the "change how you behave and they won't do this" part, she may internalize this as meaning that she is somehow deficient and deserves this treatment. It is a subtle difference on the outside, but can make a world of difference on the inside. Been there, done that, bought the low self-esteem that went with it. :iagree: Thanks for this. I (and my 13 year old dd) needed me to hear this! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfarm Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 My 11yo dd and I have had many chats about how everyone at her age wants to feel special and like they belong. We have talked about how desparate girls can become when they don't feel special enough--mean behavior, loud and obnoxious, dressing provocatively, etc. all to try to get attention and make themselves feel better. I encourage dd to become special in her own ways, to work to the very best of her ability in the things she does. To play a great mandolin with our family band when we perform, to be an excellent dog trainer, to be a terrific historical interpreter at the museum programs we do, etc. To let that urge to be special drive her in positive directions instead of negative ones. The last time she was in a situation where peers were calling names, all they could think to derisively say was, "Here comes the genius.":tongue_smilie: She and I still joke about that one, how we both wish she was as smart as they accuse her of being! Envy, spitefulness, self-absorption are all abundant at the tween girl age. I am just trying to help my dd develop enough strengths that a few snotty comments (regardless of how untrue) won't crush her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 Has she read Star Girl? It's a great novel about a weird homeschool girl. Maybe it will help her embrace the identity, lol. Maybe get a t-shirt made "Weird Homeschool Girl". . . OK, if that isn't appealing, maybe if you can do one-on-one social things with her favorite friend(s) one at a time, the attitude will disappear once away from the group-think cruelty? Are there ways to emphasize the positives of hs'ing, depsite the lack of hs'ing friends? Taking lengthy vacations off season is one way we do that. . . Hmmm. . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 Maybe get a t-shirt made "Weird Homeschool Girl". . . Love it! Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dancer67 Posted June 2, 2010 Author Share Posted June 2, 2010 (edited) Maybe get a t-shirt made "Weird Homeschool Girl". . . I love this:iagree: And to the poster who said that I shouldn't tell her to change, I always tell my girls that if someone else has a problem with them, that is THEIR issue, not yours.(I told her to say dial 1-800-get-yourself- a -therapist) One thing that is very important to impress upon your daughter is that she is wonderful the way she is and to acknowledge that what the other kids are doing is mean. Then you can go on to give her tools to deal with this. She needs to understand that she can't change them, even if they are doing something wrong. She can only change how she reacts. If you go straight to the "change how you behave and they won't do this" part, she may internalize this as meaning that she is somehow deficient and deserves this treatment. It is a subtle difference on the outside, but can make a world of difference on the inside. Been there, done that, bought the low self-esteem that went with it. __________________ I agree^^^^^ And thank you. As far as sass, I also told her to just say to them "SO???" and walk away. Or "Nobody asked your opinion". Thank you ladies for your wonderful insight and opinions!:D Edited June 2, 2010 by dancer67 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 Is she in homeschool co-op or homeschool sports or anything else like this? I really think it helps that my dds are involved in these things. We just came back from a very large field day for our soccer group. What a great way not to feel wierd. Hundreds of kids all being normal. I think that age is just hard. My youngest is in neighborhood swim and dive. Last year was our first year since we moved in that previous winter. SHe mostly made friends with younger girls because they were more accepting. We will see how it goes this year since she has moved up in division and also will now attend teen events. She is expecting lack of friendships but I told her that just like she has grown taller this year, so the other girls have grown too. Maybe as it is her second year, they will be friendlier. Even if they are not, she has made one very good friend who dives with her (and is homeschooled and also in her co-op) and that is better than she had in any of the previous places we lived where she never had a neighborhood friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ravengal Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 My 11yo dd and I have had many chats about how everyone at her age wants to feel special and like they belong. We have talked about how desparate girls can become when they don't feel special enough--mean behavior, loud and obnoxious, dressing provocatively, etc. all to try to get attention and make themselves feel better.<snip>I encourage dd to become special in her own ways, to work to the very best of her ability in the things she does. To play a great mandolin with our family band when we perform, to be an excellent dog trainer, to be a terrific historical interpreter at the museum programs we do, etc. To let that urge to be special drive her in positive directions instead of negative ones.<snip>Envy, spitefulness, self-absorption are all abundant at the tween girl age. I am just trying to help my dd develop enough strengths that a few snotty comments (regardless of how untrue) won't crush her. This is excellent! Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 I agree with Tara: "Yep, that's me!" with a big grin. Maybe a t-shirt! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 Teach her how to say "And your problem with that is.........??" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teamturner Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 I love this "Homeschooled" girl's youtube videos like this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQoSRfu5z_4&feature=related You need to teach your dd some quick comebacks for these unkind comments that show she has wit and confidence. I don't have any in my arsenal, but I'm sure there are some witty ladies out there that can come up with something. My mind keeps coming up with cutting, putdown comebacks. I think she should rise above that pettiness so hopefully someone has something good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 (I told her to say dial 1-800-get-yourself- a -therapist) Or as my daughter is fond of saying, "I've got two words for you - seek help." :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6packofun Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 Yep. I like responding with, "And....???" leaving off the implied, "Is that all you've really got?" A little laugh as she turns away wouldn't hurt, either. Or you could go more in-your-face and she could reply with a yawn and, "I'm sorry, who said that? 'Cause you all look (and act) exactly the same." Not sure I could let dd go quite that far, but I'd want to. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heidi7Sue Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 My daughter isn't homeschooled, but I recently told her that now is the time to use all the verbal sass she gets in trouble for using on adults. Practice saying, "So?" with a lot of disdain.:D :iagree::iagree::lol::lol::lol::lol::iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 I'd point out to her that Selena Gomez is/was (I imagine she's graduated at this point) homeschooled (my daughter thought that was totally cool when she found out). And repeat many of the comments of PP's. I got teased at that age because I was bright, because I liked books, because I was a tomboy, because I was a nerd, because I'd started to grow breasts. When I started private school, that got added to the list. If she went to PS, they'd find something else to pick on (That's that wierd girl who WAS homeschooled isn't something that will go away, if nothing else). Changing yourself to please others won't, usually. Better to please yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 My son went through the exact same thing and I got him a t-shirt that says: You laugh because I am different I laugh because you are all the SAME! And his other favorite t-shirt... "Some Day I'll be Your Boss" :D My two pieces of advice for him: 1. Do NOT change who you are to fit in with them 2. Do NOT put up with their abuse either. Fire back and put them in their place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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