BMW Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 I've been here at twtm for many years... People may remember that I was homeschooling 7 young ones in Alaska... then we moved to California... I cannot remember my board names from that time period! I think I may have went by Capitolamom for a while. During these times many of you were here to encourage me. Like when I wasn't handling all 7 at the level of my own expectations... and needed to put the oldest two into ps... and I had so much support here. And, without giving many details, I went through a terribly dark time... which ended with my divorce in 2007. I remarried and have two step sons and I have received so many encouraging comments and opinions to help me on this path. I have homeschooled at least one child during the past few years. After three years of non-compliance, my ex-husband took a 12 week parenting course in order to have visitation with the children that he hadn't seen during that time. This spring we came to an agreement in court. During these years I have had two particular children (who are now beginning high school) experience significant depression... missing their dad. I have always believed that if my ex-husband was able to co-parent in a responsible way, I would be great at doing that... and would go with the flow. One of those children who has been quite depressed has also been very angry with me and blames the divorce on me. She stood toe to toe with me, behaving horribly and causing a whirlwind of trouble because she wanted to live with her dad. Now... I don't want to be one of those moms who after a divorce says "the kids will live with me, period", not caring if the child is miserable. I don't think I could bear to have my teens live with me and all the while NOT want to be here... and stir up strife and trouble in the home. So, I agreed in court that when my children are in high school, they can choose who to live with. Within the next few weeks... two of my children will leave my home and no longer live with me. I have handled this as stoically and responsibly as I can. But, my heart is breaking and I am really aching at times. I don't think they have any idea what this is doing to me inside. I don't think I want them to know. It wouldn't be fair to them. And along with all of this, I don't have many people to "talk" to... about how visitation goes and how I am "excited" for my kids and smile when they tell me what an awesome home their dad has and how he has a tennis court in his back yard and such fine furniture... and how I feel like I can never compete... and how it hurts to see them jump so quickly into his life, as though life with me is like a plague... (now I know in my head that these are perceptions and that there are more things important than nice homes and stuff... but, do you "get" me?) It's not like I don't have enough kids... my 20yog lives here and we have an amazing relationship... my 18yog just graduated and wants to head to university and we are really close... my 17yob is staying here with me and is such a fabulous young guy... I have my stepsons and two more of my younger boys who are in 6th and 5th grade this fall. Anyway... life is just swirling around me... and I am trying to hold on and not cry... at least not too much... Thanks for listening. And, yes, I am accepting hugs right now... and yes, btw... I AM Queen of Dots and Run-On Sentences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caitilin Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 :grouphug::grouphug:Wishing you peace through these changes.:grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 Mama, when they are fully fledged adults and parents themselves, they will be able to look back on their lives and see who it was that really enriched them. They will know it was you, and they will know what you did and lived through for them, and they will be grateful :grouphug: As for not saying anything, I wonder if you might let your emotions show just a little bit, so that there's no chance that they'll feel like you let them walk away and didn't care. Make sure they know that they can come home to you anytime they want to, and you will welcome them back with open arms. But otherwise, I think you're making all the right decisions. I'm sorry it is so hard for you :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dina in Oklahoma Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 :grouphug:In time your children will mature and come to realize that you were a parent, not your ex. They most likely are curious and need to believe he cares as much as you do. Just give it time; actions speak louder than words. He is the FUN one and they may be in a rebellious stage or just resent your remarriage. My brother always secretly hoped our parents would reunite until one of them remarried. Just hold on and focus on what you do have, not on what you don't. Blessings and best wishes~ :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tutor Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 :grouphug: Prayers and hugs for you here :grouphug: ...And... long live the QUEEN!:tongue_smilie: :grouphug:... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 I remember you in Alaska and in Capitola. Somehow I missed your name change! I'm sorry about your children. You've done the right thing rather than the easy one. That's admirable, but still very hard. But good for you! I think that somehow you will always be close with all of them. It's so classic for some teenagers to move around. From what I have seen, it is always the move to the 'fun house' rather than to the 'responsible one' unless they are guilt-ridden. Good for you for not making them 'guilt-ridden'. When they are 22 or so, I'll bet they will be among your best friends and most ardent admirers. You'll be both respected AND loved. In the meantime, you're in my prayers.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JenC3 Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 I agree with making it known to them that this is hard on you and that you want them to stay, but do it in a non-guilt way. You aren't trying to change their minds, but I would definitely make sure they know that as their mother this is TOUGH STUFF for you! ((HUGS))! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 Mama, when they are fully fledged adults and parents themselves, they will be able to look back on their lives and see who it was that really enriched them. They will know it was you, and they will know what you did and lived through for them, and they will be grateful :grouphug: As for not saying anything, I wonder if you might let your emotions show just a little bit, so that there's no chance that they'll feel like you let them walk away and didn't care. Make sure they know that they can come home to you anytime they want to, and you will welcome them back with open arms. But otherwise, I think you're making all the right decisions. I'm sorry it is so hard for you :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: :iagree: :grouphug: Btw, I love elipses too... :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 Bee- :grouphug: for this time of change. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lollie010 Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 I agree with making it known to them that this is hard on you and that you want them to stay, but do it in a non-guilt way. You aren't trying to change their minds, but I would definitely make sure they know that as their mother this is TOUGH STUFF for you! ((HUGS))! :iagree: Cannot imagine what you are going through. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 :grouphug: Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 Awwwww, I thought I was queen of "dots", LOL! I'm sorry for your pain, but I think that perhaps the two who are going can learn to appreciate you better with some distance (which can bring perspective amazingly quickly, sometimes). They seem to be at more impressionable ages. It seems to me that your olders understand the situation better. Younger teens seem to often have their heads turned by "grass is greener" sorts of thinking. So it seems to me that some time and distance might help all of you to come closer in the end. I hope that you can maintain a closeness with them while they're gone.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 Anyway... life is just swirling around me... and I am trying to hold on and not cry... at least not too much... . "When they are young they step on your feet, and when they are older they step on your heart". :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 I went through a similar situation when we moved - ds decided to stay in NC to finish high school. It is very hard and I miss him very much everyday. It pains me when he is upset (he and his father do not get along), but I try to remember that he decided that staying there to finish school was worth the heartache. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1bassoon Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 :grouphug: No help, but you sound like an amazing mom. Praying that when they're older they'll realize the sacrifice you are making for them. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyFL Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 Mama, when they are fully fledged adults and parents themselves, they will be able to look back on their lives and see who it was that really enriched them. They will know it was you, and they will know what you did and lived through for them, and they will be grateful :grouphug: As for not saying anything, I wonder if you might let your emotions show just a little bit, so that there's no chance that they'll feel like you let them walk away and didn't care. Make sure they know that they can come home to you anytime they want to, and you will welcome them back with open arms. But otherwise, I think you're making all the right decisions. I'm sorry it is so hard for you :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I would let them know you are heartbroken but want what they do at the same time. Tell them how you really feel and show them you are willing to sacrifice for their happiness. I agree that you can't hide too much and have them think it was no big deal to you. I think that talking, being completely open, sharing your feelings and then letting go will mean the world to them. More hugs!!!! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newlifemom Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen in VA Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 When I was 14yo I was given the choice to choose between my two parents. At that time I was very immature and based my decision on what suited me and my selfish desires at the time. I absolutely did not think at all about what my parents wanted. I had always wanted to go to a private school and wear a uniform (not sure why, just did) and my dad offered me that opportunity. Both my brother and sister were staying with my dad and we were going to live in a big penthouse in Honolulu (dad already lived there) and I was going to go to a prestigious private high school. That was the draw - not the relationship I had with my dad. When I got home that evening and told my mom my decision she collapsed on the floor and cried. My sister said, "Look what you're doing to your mother!!" My mother had been hospitalized recently for an attempted suicide and seeing her lying there in a heap on the floor was just too much for me. I told her I wouldn't stay with dad and she brightened right up. We moved 5000 miles away and I never got the private school, I've seen my sister and brother less than ten times total in the last 40 years, and my mom and I lived on welfare. I felt manipulated and like I got the short end of the stick for many, many years. I did not appreciate my mom at all - quite the opposite. All that to say, your children who have decided to go live with their dad are just choosing what suits them. They are not thinking about anyone but themselves, which is typical teenage behavior. They are not trying to hurt you - they just see the material benefits he has to offer. Like pps have said, when they grow up they will realize how much you did for them and love you all the more for letting them make their own choice - no matter how misguided that choice may have been. I highly recommend that you do not show how much you are hurt by their actions right now. Try very hard not to take it personally - it isn't - they are just jumping at what they perceive to be an opportunity in their favor. Your emotional strength, being able to let them go with no guilt trip whatsoever, will be a gift they will come to cherish when they grow up. Of course, as others have also said, be sure they know they can always come back no matter what. You can be honest and say that you wish they weren't going and that you will miss them terribly, but try hard not to break down emotionally in front of them. They really will come to realize what a wonderful mom you are. It just may take a few years. I wish my mom could have been more like you.:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted May 25, 2010 Author Share Posted May 25, 2010 Thanks. Thank you, everyone. I don't feel as weighted for having shared and being able to "talk" about it and let it out... And... no... I wont share my Queen of Dots and Run-On sentences title with anyone... THAT I will hold on to!! JK Bee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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