A very sensitive question.

[TammyinTN]

I don't know who else to ask and I'm going to need some help. Our dd got engaged this weekend. We are happy and they are happy. She met his family and they are lovely. They adore her already and he treats his mother so greatly I'm thrilled she met someone so great. They will be a biracial couple. We have never raised our children to look or even think of skin color so it wasn't a problem for us. However, she terrified to tell her grandparents. She's in the states alone and is staying in a hotel for a week to get her groundings. I have been talking to her each day and she really is unsure about going to visit them and their reactions. Could someone please lend us some support and give us suggestions for how to handle the grandparents.

 

Our thoughts are God created everyone and they should all be loved and treated with respect the same way...this is all our kids know and haven't been around the Grandparents at all pretty much for the last 5 + years.

 

Thanks so much for any help and this was in no means meant to cause any hard feelings here...just looking for support and help for her.

 

Thanks bunches!

[lisamarie]

I guess it depends on how much they would care. Both sets of my grandparents are a bit...prejudiced? My sister had the same fear as she married a latino and we are very much white. But my grandparents surprised her and readily accepted him into the family without issue because they love her. My grandpa is for sure NOT usually so accommodating and has no issue saying rude things to other people, but he has never said anything to my BIL. They hopefully will surprise her.

 

If she approaches them seeming to be wishy-washy because she's afraid they won't accept him, they will be more likely to show that side. But if she approaches them with confidence that they'll do the right thing and be happy for her, there is less room for them to object at least to her face.

[melissel]

Is there reason to believe the grandparents will have a problem with it? Or do you already know that they will? If so, that just really stinks. My DH and I are of different races, and it effectively ended my relationship with my grandfather, but that was not much a of a loss, unfortunately :glare: My grandmothers love DH, so that wasn't an issue.

 

Frankly, if one of my DDs was in this situation, I would consider it DH's and my responsibility to break the news first to our parents in order to cushion the blow and keep DD out of that spot. You know your parents better than your DD does, so you can negotiate the details more carefully, and you can lay down the law about how they can treat your DD over it. If your parents and in-laws are truly against biracial marriage, your DD will be in an ugly position by having to spring it on them in person, where she can't avoid their anger (if there is any; I'd like to think you'll all be pleasantly surprised).

 

I'm sorry you're all in this place. It truly is a terrible thing to have to face, isn't it? My mom still harbors major resentment that my grandfather had no desire to meet his own great-granddaughter simply because she was half Latino, and he's been gone for years now. Fortunately, it doesn't really bother me, but I know my mom still suffers a bit over it :(

 

ETA: Congratulations to your DD on her engagement, and congratulations to you as well! :grouphug:

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I dated a man of a different race for 3 years in college. My grandfather was very, very bigoted, so I was worried about introducing my boyfriend to my grandfather. When I did, my grandfather was fairly cordial and said nothing at all to me about it later. He did, however, say something to my mother about it and she told me.

 

Hopefully, the grandparents will have enough grace to act politely, even if they do not approve. If they see what a wonderful person he is, it should soon overshadow anything else.

 

Congratulations to your daughter and her fiance.

[StephanieZ]

Can you and/or dh talk to the grandparents first?

 

If it were my child, I'd likely want to talk to the gp first. . . (and/or have dh talk to his parents) and 1) tell them 2) make sure they know how happy you and dh are and that it is a great match. . . and,

 

finally, if needed, 3) put them on notice that if they are such bigots as to make an issue out of it that they will pay a very heavy price from the whole family, as you fully support dd and her marriage and will not permit anyone to be ugly or unsupportive. . .

 

Since your dd has already expressed concern about their reactions, I cannot imagine that she'd mind your intervention. Of course, only you know your dd. . .

 

FWIW, and although I try to foster independent relationships between my kids and their gps. . . at the end of the day I see it as my job to protect my dc from bad influences, even if those are close relations!

 

Life, and marriage specifically, is hard enough w/o having unsupportive family members involved. I'd want to keep the gps at a distance if they can't be supportive.

 

I'd just want to be completely clear with everyone that you are on the side of 1) right and 2) dd & her fiance. . . and that if it comes down to it, you'll cut the gp off completely if they can't be supportive and encouraging.

 

I hope this goes well for everyone and that the gp surprise you and dd by behaving as if they are actually residents of the 21st century. :)

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Melinda in VT]

In general, I think if a child is old enough to get married, she's old enough to tell her grandparents herself. I also don't like the idea of having to make a big announcement about race, as that seems to give credence to racist attitudes.

 

That said, I don't much care for scenes.

 

Would it be possible for your daughter to send her grandparents a chatty email with a picture of her and her fiance? No need for her to make an issue of race. That way, the grandparents can get over any initial shock in private, before the face-to-face meeting.

[BeckyFL]

I would tell them first and tell them in a way that you mention before anything else how happy you are and how wonderful he is, how she met his family, etc. before you say anything about their outside only differences. Congratulations to all of you! :001_smile:

[stripe]

I wouldn't make a big announcement (I'm marrying this great --- guy!). I would prepare for problems emotionally but not act as if there will be any, if that makes any sense. Act with the grandparents as if everything is fine -- because it is.

 

By the way, I have a relative who was (is?) opposed to mixed marriages but seems to have been able to still behave decently (very much so, in fact) to my husband and kids. You and/or your daughter may want to warn her fiance, but I wouldn't let it spoil their happiness. If they are big turkeys, they have made their decision to have their importance in her life diminish.

 

Then wait for the stupid comments when they have kids. heh.

Edited May 11, 2010 by stripe

[Lisa in Jax]

A photo will give them time to get used to the idea of his race before she goes there.

 

IMO, ,most people will step up to the plate and be civil if given the chance, but they might *initially* say something without thinking if it's a surprise to them. If you introduce the idea before they're put "on the spot," they might be more measured in their response.

 

Congratulations to your daughter and her beau! :)

[Teachin'Mine]

If she goes hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst, she'll be fine.

 

She might start off by telling them she's engaged and then all the reasons she fell in love with this wonderful man. Let them get to know him and to find out how great they are for each other. Then she can show them a picture and she can say how she hopes that they're as thrilled for her as she is. And that their love and support is so important to her, and she wants very much for them to come to ... whatever - engagement part, wedding, etc..

 

She is not responsible for their reaction. By going to them and sharing her good news, she's fulfilled her obligation. The response is on them.

 

Congratulations to your daughter and SIL to be!!! :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I've found that sometimes people are strange about biracial marriages. I was told by one elderly woman (not family but I was living with her) that it was ok that I was marrying my dh (Filipino) but if I had married another good friend (African American), then she would have had a problem with it. When I asked further, it was because she was concerned that if I married an AA man that we would have the kind of backlash that she remembered from the civil rights movement time (60's).

 

But more to the point - I think the suggestion of a picture introducing the couple sent ahead could warn them so that they could be on good behavior.

[Karen in CO]

My dad is terribly prejudiced. He was able to kind of keep his opinions to himself until I had kids, then he started making little comments. I told him to keep those things to himself which he couldn't so I have kept my kids away from him. It was a decision that others in my family have never understood, but I have zero tolerance for people like that in my life. Your dd will have to start making tough decisions about her own family. I suggest she doesn't say anything, just just introduces her sweetie when the time is right and deal with the feelings when they happen. "Don't borrow trouble" is a good motto for this type of thing. Some people will surprise you in their tolerance or in their intolerance, you just need to give them a chance.

[Tess in the Burbs]

well anytime I had a new boyfriend my dad would ask first, "Is he white?"

 

If she has been dating awhile wouldn't they know about this boy? I know you said contact was brief over the last 5 years....

 

She just announces she's engaged. if she feels the need to mention the race thing upfront push a picture toward them when she announces it.

 

You can't change other people. They may say hurtful things but it will only alienate your dd and her future family if they do and then it's their loss. :-(

[forty-two]

My grandma is definitely not pc, and sometimes comes out with racist generalities, but if any of us grandkids were marrying someone of a different race, she'd do fine, because clearly the person we picked is wonderful and thus by definition does not share in any of the negative qualities she sometimes ascribes to that race as a whole.

[Julie in CA]

Imo, even more important than prepping the grandparents ahead of time (which may or may not work), would be dd prepping the fiance ahead of time. If she explains that she's a bit nervous about the meeting and why she's worried, and asks for his understanding, that would be key to diffusing an awkward situation before it occurs. Even if the grandparents don't react well or politely, dd and her guy can be ready to respond without the heat of the moment affecting how they do so. Truthfully, even with more modern thought on the subject of mixed-race marriages, they will probably still have to face this type of bias more than just this one time over their married life. Now's as good a time as any to prepare their united response to the issue. God bless them as they begin their lives together! :001_smile:

[Blessedfamily]

I think I might let her handle it, and play a supporting role. If she's going to be in a mixed marriage, she'll have to be prepared to handle these situations.

[radiobrain]

As I have to play devil's advocate on this one....here I go...

 

You might not be giving the grandparent's credit, and making assumptions of their behavior.

 

My Brother and SIL adopted a bi-racial baby, and wrote a seriously offensive letter to everyone in the family about how we "better accept it, and not EVER make her feel uncomfortable" etc etc... implying that somehow we WOULD. I have no idea where she would think that any of us would care, or even think about it...

 

I was really irritated by that letter, and I resented her for even feeling the need to say it.

 

Try to give them a bit of credit... maybe not making a big deal out of it... my gosh it is 2010! Who really cares! I would worry more about other things than that! At least they are getting married! :D

 

Congratulations!

 

it will all be ok, and if there is limited contact with these grandparents, it will likely continue whoever she chooses to marry... some people always find something to dislike...

 

ugh... I have to get back to teaching adding mixed numbers with different denominators... to an imp with an attitude! Wish me luck!

[ConnieB]

I agree with others....give gp a heads up can help them to compose themselves and think about their reaction. Showing up at their doorstep can cause them to show their first reaction, which won't help anyone. Think "Guess who's coming to dinner".

 

I'd call the gps and in a happy excited voice announce the engagement. I would not let them know that you're doing it as a warning "I wanted to let you know..."...but as a bold happy statement "We're so excited that dd is engaged and her guy is just absolutely wonderful, he treats his mother with such great respect and we're so sure that he will always treat dd with the same love...she's so lucky to have found a good man!" After you get the gps excited about the engagement then you can either offer to email them a photo, or casually say something like "I'm so glad that biracial marriages are more accepted today than they were when I was young....I don't have to worry that they'll be treated the way my generation did to others" or something simliar.

 

But...if you know that the gps are simply not going to be able to get over their own problems and be happy for your daughter....then I'd not have her visit to tell them. Being unsure is one thing, knowing that they aren't going to approve no matter what is allowing her to walk into a known bad situation and I'm too protective for that to happen, lol. If I knew for sure they'd react badly, I'd simply send them an engagement announcement and photo and let them deal with it themselves. Knowing also that if they can't be respectful at the very least that THEY are making the choice to cut themselves off from the rest of the family. Your daughter should choose her husband with her own happiness in mind, not others....and she shouldn't have to tolerate bad behavior from others. WHile race is definitely a more ignitable situation, it's really not much different from parents/grands disapproving of a marriage because "he's not good enough for you". It's her choice, so long as she realizes the potential problems (and her reaction to her grands says she does) then she's ready to handle it. My own marriage started out with parents more upset because he was committed to a career in the military than because of his race (which was 1/2 black 1/2 Latino to my very whiteness) and military meant I would live a nomadic life and always be anxious about his safety and never have financial success, blah blah. And while it took a bit for them to come around, and when these things did get to me I couldn't turn to them because I didn't want to hear "I told you so"....we'll be celebrating 33 years this summer. It's been quite a wild ride, and definitely not perfect, but I can honestly and unequivically say, if I had it to do over even knowing how it would turn out, I would. The bumps weren't fun but the good times make up for them!

 

I would like to say to your DD: CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR ENGAGEMENT. May you have a lifetime of joy and happiness with this man. :party:

[CalicoKat]

My bil married a lovely African American Woman and no one mentioned it to the gparents.

 

I remember thinking as gma questioned me about my future sil just before the rehearsal dinners that it seemed she did not know about the whole transracial aspect. Gma asked me, "So what's _____ like?" I said what do you mean? "What color hair, eyes does she have?" I said black hair and brown eyes.

 

I distinctly remember my mil standing behind gma as I spoke and she seemed to be holding her breath.

 

Gma asked a couple more questions about her personality and that seemed to satisfy her curiosity.

 

Later gma was very quiet during the shower. No one mentioned the difference. And she finally said, "She's a lovely girl."

 

It's just wasn't discussed. Truly, what is there to debate?

Edited May 11, 2010 by CalicoKat

[Harriet Vane]

I lived with a biracial family for two years. I am a white woman who lives in an African-American neighborhood in the city. My neighborhood borders an extremely diverse inner suburb. We are friends with several biracial couples.

 

Please quietly give the grandparents a heads-up. They may or may not struggle with racist feelings, but being from an older generation where that is not as common, they may still respond with surprise when they meet your dd's fiance. That surprised reaction, whether or not there is anything behind it, has the potential to put your dd and her fiance on edge.

 

I speak from personal experience. A dear, dear older friend of mine came to visit me while I was staying with the biracial family I mentioned. This friend of mine had already met the white husband of this couple in another situation. When his Jamaican wife answered the door, my friend assumed that she was a babysitter or cleaning woman. My friend is not racist. However, it was extremely awkward, and my Jamaican friend and her white husband interpreted my older friend's awkwardness and discomfort as disapproval. My friend did not disapprove in the least--she was just disoriented.

 

Later my friend asked me why I didn't tell her. It had really not occurred to me to tell her. I didn't think of my friend as being black, and had known this couple for quite some time. I didn't think of color one way or the other, so it never came up in conversation.

[TammyinTN]

Thank you so much for your insight and help. DD and I are discussing all the post and I'll keep you updated as to what they decide to do.

 

Thank you!!!:grouphug:

[kalanamak]

Could someone please lend us some support and give us suggestions for how to handle the grandparents.

 

 

 

I have no idea how old the GPs are, but I know that my parents (born 101 years ago (today!) and 93 years ago) were opposed to such things, among other reasons, because they thought the children would be treated badly by both races. I think, to some extent, times have changed. But, if that is a concern, some reassurance might go a long ways.

[IsabelC]

Er, honest response? In her place, I would take my fiance to visit my grandparents, and if they reacted to the engagement with any hint of racism and bigotry, that would be the last they see of me. I guess I'm not that 'tolerant of intolerance'. :glare: If concern about the possibility of others treating the couple is expressed, I'd explain that this is not so common nowadays and we can deal with the odd prejudiced person.

[Mom0012]

I haven't read all the replies, but if it were my daughter, I would call the grandparents to break the news and see the reaction (with my daughter's permission, of course). If the reaction was bad, then I'd have a serious discussion with them and if they were unable to come around, I would warn my daughter that she might want to wait awhile to visit. I would want to shield her from any really negative reactions since this should be such a happy time for her.

 

Lisa

[TammyinTN]

She has decided to stay in a hotel for 2 more weeks while he's in school. She will then meet her sister and brother who are going to the states for 10 days of vacation and go and see the grandparents and tell them the good news. She is preparing herself for the reaction, but she will not be stranded at anyones home as she will be traveling with her sister and brother. My heart is heavy because I know how my parents will react, but she wants to tell them. My inlaws I don't think will be negative at all...just maybe shocked.

My sister in law has an opinion about everything I just hope for once she will keep it to herself. ;) It's so hard to be far away when these things are going on. Thanks again for your responses and kindness.

[kmacnchs]

Sorry if I'm repeating; I haven't read the other threads...

 

My only Q would be how outspoken are they? My poor grandmother is a Presbyterian and thinks everyone should be. So when her son married a Jewish woman, she was more than heartbroken. She almost could/would not go to their sons' barmitzvas (sp?) but she did. Her heart was equally broken when her Jewish grandson married a Sikh woman. She spoke about it to my mom (her only dil who was also Presbyterian) and cried about it often but she never said anything to her grandchildren. She would try to get her son to pray to Jesus before meals but she would not raise a fuss when he refused.

 

So is it something that they can just stay positive and ignore the pained looks or is it something where she will need to prep her fiance about the derogatory remarks he will have to hear?

[melissel]

She has decided to stay in a hotel for 2 more weeks while he's in school. She will then meet her sister and brother who are going to the states for 10 days of vacation and go and see the grandparents and tell them the good news. She is preparing herself for the reaction, but she will not be stranded at anyones home as she will be traveling with her sister and brother. My heart is heavy because I know how my parents will react, but she wants to tell them. My inlaws I don't think will be negative at all...just maybe shocked.

My sister in law has an opinion about everything I just hope for once she will keep it to herself. ;) It's so hard to be far away when these things are going on. Thanks again for your responses and kindness.

 

She's a brave girl. It can be so hard to face the reactions of people like that. :grouphug: to you all!

[Orthodox6]

Congratulations on your daughter's engagement ! You are happy, the young people are happy, the young man's family are happy. . . You're in a good place ! It sounds as if one set of grandparents make the only "weak link" in an otherwise strong chain of joy.

 

I don't know the entire "big picture"; however, I might refrain from visiting the GPs until more than just your daughter will be present. If she is in for a non-welcoming attitude, then the support of other relatives will buoy her up. If the GPs respond positively, having other people there to witness this also is a good thing.

 

May your daughter cherish this season of her engagement !