So I got "the talk" from MIL yesterday...

[BikeBookBread]

Our wonderful (I'm NOT being facetious) in-laws visited for the weekend...we only see them once, maybe twice, a year. They are very well-meaning, as most are, I'm sure.

 

I knew something was up when MIL asked me to go window shopping at the mall and for a bite to eat -- just the two of us -- after church yesterday. Considering, again, that we only see them once or twice a year, and they were only here for 3 days, this was an unusual request.

 

Got to the restaurant, and then I heard it: "J*** and I think that you should put PDG into school next year." Her reasons aren't anything that we haven't thought of ourselves, honestly: PDG can be extremely self-centered (it's the rare 6 year old isn't), and being in a larger pool of fish might do her good. We're moving to VA this summer, and the schools in the areas where we are looking are excellent, so this isn't a problem. It would also give me an opportunity to HS LLL alone for a year, which would be lovely for her. She is always in PDG's shadow. PDG is so smart, witty, vibrant and the center of attention. LLL could use some one-on-one to really blossom. It is not a permanent solution for us, but we figure 1st grade in a great school district might be a very positive move.

 

BUT I just bristle to think about it still. I was very cordial -- DH asked me if I stood up to her, and I didn't really, but boy, was I on the inside! Why do in-laws think they can make these comments??? Grrrr

[SproutMamaK]

I get that they want to make the comments, becasue they think they know better than their kids. :001_huh:. What I don't get is - why US? I mean, if my Mom wanted to make a suggestion like that, she'd make it to ME, not to my DH. So why do the guys parents never think, "Hey, maybe if I want to make interfering suggestions I should go through my own child instead of my in-laws?" :glare:

[happyhomemaker25]

Unfortunatly I am the type of person that would continue homeschooling her just because I did not want to look like I was doing what she wanted me to. :glare:

But it is up to you and your husband. You look like you have thought it through and are looking at all the pros and cons.

My kids each go through a self centered stage. I think for my 2nd daughter PS just made it worse. We combat it by doing community service as a family, finding ways to serve one another at home, and in general not tolerating that behavior in our home. It's one of the seven deadly sins around here.LOL

As for giving the younger daughter room to blossom I so understand that. My oldest is very domineering. We have found that giving our other daughters activities apart from their sister sometimes helps them to find out who they are outside of being Karly's little sister.

Hang in there! Do what's best for your family and ignore outsiders for the most part.

[Danestress]

Rather than making little quips, undermining you to your husband, talking about it with other family members, etc, she asked for a time alone with you and she aired her concerns.

 

 

Honestly, sometimes that is just want good grandmothers do. Now, if she keeps bringing it up, I would have a problem with that. You have heard it and you will make a decision (you plural, with DH of course). I hope she respects that decision and doesn't continue to want to have little talks about it. I'm assuming this was the first time she aired these concerns, and I guess I am assuming a lot by saying she had this talk with you INSTEAD of gossiping, making rude remarks, etc. But if that's the case, I don't think you should fume. I think you should make the decision you think is best for your family. But I think the reason in-laws think they can make these comments is because they love our husbands and our children, and then feel they have a special role in the family.

 

Maybe I am patient because I have an extra-opinionated MIL. But I do think that she being a grandmother means that sometimes she's going to make an observation or comment and I don't have to agree. She isn't super critical of me and she adores my family, so I do think she deserves to sometimes be heard - which is different from doing what she suggest - it's just hearing.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Well, I think that being grandparents does give them some rights to share their concerns. But then they need to back off and let you and your dh make the final decisions. That decision may be one they agree with or not.

 

So far, anyway, she doesn't sound like she's overstepped any boundaries. She didn't do this in front of your children. She didn't make snide comments. She took you aside privately and shared her concern and a possible solution to that concern.

[jelbe5]

:grouphug:

 

In-laws are not the only ones to make those comments :lol: Both of my parents recently suggested I put our son, who has autism, in school in the fall. He is 12 now. His autism is severe to moderate.

 

It still bothers me when others make this suggestion. But the way they made the suggestion I could tell they were thinking of both my son and me. We live in a district that is NOT very good and special needs kids tend to be warehoused. From what I have seen I do not feel it would be very helpful at all.

 

I just told them that dh and I have discussed it and we still feel what we are doing is best. That was the end of the discussion (happily - they dropped it).

 

Ultimately what you do with your children is up to you and your dh. Just continue to be cordial, smile and nod, and then do what you and dh want to do. Let the comments roll off your back unless they become so intrusive you cannot ignore them . . . then I would suggest you have your dh talk to his parents and politely tell them "Thanks for your concern, but this is our personal decision." We have been fortunate that we have not had to do that.

 

Adrianne in IL

Edited April 12, 2010 by jelbe5

[Tree House Academy]

I do hate when they make comments like that...however, in your case, it sounds like you have already made the same decision they are suggesting??? Or did I read that wrong?

[G5052]

Homeschooling is still considered "odd," period. We've been at for nine years now, and I still get comments from work friends, the neighbors, and relatives including homeschooling relatives who think that I'm ruining them because I don't use A Beka or ACE and that they will become monsters because I'm teaching them Latin.

 

Thank them for their concern, but let them know that you have carefully thought this through and that you have made the right decision for your family. Then cut it off and move on. The more you let them dwell, the more they will find things to dig out. I figure that it's not my job to convince people who want to bury in and find fault. I will talk to people who are truly interested or are on the fence, but not fault-finders.

[Paisley Hedgehog]

..

[LibraryLover]

Honestly? I might not agree with her, but she was mature about it. She could be dead wrong, but I don't think it's over- the- top for grandparents to respectfully express concerns about grandchildren. You don't have to agree on everything to have a decent relationship. Having mature conversations about prickly subjects is something adults do, although few folks can engage in this activity kindly or tactfully. It sounds like she was kind and tactful? Although I wasn't there, so I can't comment on her tone, facial expressions etc.

 

You are free to say 'I apprciate your thoughts, I know you love Duckie. Dh and I are still trying to decide what we'll do". Or, 'I know you love Dukie and I appreciate your concerns about her. DH and I have decided that we will continue to hs and work out the kinks as we go along".

 

I don't see polite disagreement as all bad.

[hornblower]

What I think is annoying about these comments is first that they're implicitly assuming that YOU haven't thought this through. YOU just made this decision on a whim and haven't been thinking about it like THEY have. :rolleyes:

 

It would be one thing to take you aside and simply ask you what you were thinking of doing next year. Someone who is genuinely interested, who takes your opinions seriously, who maybe even says 'I'd like to know more about your plans' and even 'well, I don't know much about this and it seems strange to me, but I'm sure you're doing the best for the kids. Let me know if there's a way for me to support you." THAT is good involvement.

 

The second problem is the presumption of the level of influence they should have. It is one thing to have an opinion. It is one thing to offer it when asked. It is one thing even to raise an issue with the expressed hope of being able to share one's opinion.

 

But it is a completely different thing to just blab out "I've thought about it and I think you should consider X, Y, and Z" . It presumes a certain right to share and impose their opinion on you which I think is just not there. (as opposed to msg boards, where the moment one opens one's mouth there's an explicit invitation for all to form an opinion and share it :lol:)

 

 

 

Oh & fwiw, I would not put one kid in school based on the info you've shared. But as always YMMV :)

[Brigitte]

I think your MIL handled it quite nicely - no underhanded comments, etc. - assuming she dropped the subject after lunch. I would imagine that grandparents talk to the moms instead of the dads about home schooling concerns because moms tend to handle the home schooling.

 

I am very fortunate to have parents and in-laws who are supportive of our home schooling (of course, they all seem to think that we should send the girls to school for high school - we are years away from that, however). Not one of the grandparents in our case talk to dh about home schooling, because they know I am the one who does it. He is on board with it and does teach the girls their Latin, but I am in charge of all the rest. So, they feel no need to talk to him about it. I bet most other families have the same experience.

[LibraryLover]

What I think is annoying about these comments is first that they're implicitly assuming that YOU haven't thought this through. YOU just made this decision on a whim and haven't been thinking about it like THEY have. :rolleyes:

 

 

:)

 

We don't know that. Know I am not saying the OP isn'tt entitled to her own emotions and thoughts on this situation. Sometimes family relationships are complicated and stressful.

 

I think we can wish for 'perfect' communication styles, but that hardly exsits, and sometimes we have to go with the flow, and be glad that family members want to talk, or care at all. Some people have families that are cruel about disagreements, or care so little that they have no thoughts--never mind opinions-- whatsoever wrt their own grandchildren

 

Family mermbers offer their opinions all the time, lol, and as far as I am concenred this wasn't over-the-top at all. It might have been imperfect communication, however.

 

I've heard my share of thoughts from my mother and MIL over the years...and I think, "Well, at least they give a darn". Of course, I do whatever I want, and they seem to know that about me. lol I can't count the number of The Talk , I've had with my Dad, fi. lol Great, tell me what you think...maybe it will make a difference to me, maybe it won't. Maybe there will be wisdom or value in what you say, maybe there won't. :)

Edited April 12, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Paisley Hedgehog]

nm

[Garga]

Most people HATE confrontation. I think the way she handled it was the best way she knew how to deal with confrontation.

 

She had a concern. She took you aside and talked to you like an adult, laying out her thoughts. Perhaps she could have done like a PP said and asked you first what your thoughts were, but maybe she didn't think of that technique in time.

 

Sounds like she did the best she could with what she knew in a confrontational situation. She was probably nervous about talking to you and might not have been as suave as she could have been, but it was a tough situation.

 

I don't get why people don't think that grandparents are allowed to say anything. She is older than you and a lot of older people actually are wiser. Not always (for sure!) but sometimes they just are.

 

I'm wiser than most teenagers, but I expect that someone who is 70 is wiser than me. They've seen more of life. (generally this is true, but certainly not always.)

 

All in all, I don't think she was out of line. If she continues to harp on it, then she'll be out of line. Hopefully she's wise enough to know that!

[PollyOR]

:grouphug: I understand the frustration. (sitting on both sides of the fence as a grandparent and homeschooling mom)

 

What has bothered me is that my parents and my in-laws always bring up their concerns about homeschool when DH is not present. Never fails. Also, when I try to share with them what we are doing in our homeschool they show no interest.

[Aubrey]

My ils are some of the nicest people you could hope to marry into. While they're very conventional & *hated* the idea of hs'ing, they've mostly tried to be supportive of us. The negative comments were always pretty mild--the worst of it was when I was pg w/ #1, & they were facing the thought of a midwife, homebirth, AND hs'ing, lol. They'd talk about how great it would be for the dc to be involved in something that they could support, listing school things. Sports, band, etc.

 

In the last 3-4 yrs, mil has gone out of her way to say something positive about hs'ing at least twice a yr. (We live close, so this isn't exactly often, but it's still effort, kwim?) In the last yr, she's even made a point to ask what the kids are learning. Now, she loses interest in the conversation before I answer, lol, but I know it's an honest effort, & I respect that.

 

So when dh & I were applying to teach in Malaysia, taking her only grandkids (whom she adores, in case there's any doubt) to the other side of the planet for a MINIMUM of 2 yrs, her response FLOORED me. She was excited that the kids would be in *a* school. Doing things (that she could support, even though she wouldn't be able to "support" them). Just *being* in school.

 

I'm sure she didn't realize how her enthusiasm (about the school & the dc being IN it) came across as a vote of "no confidence" but...wow.

 

All that to say--wasn't it nice not knowing what they thought? Because whatever you decide to do, the knowledge wasn't in there eating at you, & then there was no part of you considering the opposite of what they said JUST FOR THE SAKE of making your OWN decision?

 

I'm sorry. If they're really nice people, there's still a *good* chance that they'll come around & support your hs'ing, although I realize that this isn't entirely about hs'ing but about your boundaries. I don't have a good answer for that one--boundaries are much harder than hs'ing opinions. ;)

 

:grouphug:

[melissel]

You are free to say 'I apprciate your thoughts, I know you love Duckie. Dh and I are still trying to decide what we'll do". Or, 'I know you love Dukie and I appreciate your concerns about her. DH and I have decided that we will continue to hs and work out the kinks as we go along".

 

I agree with those who said that at least she came to you face to face, rather then doing the passive-aggressive thing. However, I think you should memorize and practice delivering LL's statements above. Like Aubrey said, if they're nice people, they'll either come around or at least come to accept the idea that they're not in charge of this decision. I had to repeat to my own mother (whom I consider to be almost a co-parent given her involvement in our lives), "I understand your concerns, but DH and I have already made this decision, and it's no longer up for discussion." She finally understood that I was not on the fence that she was trying to push me off of! Now she finds herself defending my decision to other family members, and I keep trying to tell her that she needs to tell them exactly what I told her. Or tell them to call me so I can tell them :lol:

 

Be kind and appreciative of her concern, but stick to your guns, whatever they might be.

 

Also, I wouldn't put a kid in school -- at least not above preschool -- for those reasons (and we have similar issues here), but that's a whole other post, if you should want to discuss it :D

[Impish]

What I think is annoying about these comments is first that they're implicitly assuming that YOU haven't thought this through. YOU just made this decision on a whim and haven't been thinking about it like THEY have. :rolleyes:

 

It would be one thing to take you aside and simply ask you what you were thinking of doing next year. Someone who is genuinely interested, who takes your opinions seriously, who maybe even says 'I'd like to know more about your plans' and even 'well, I don't know much about this and it seems strange to me, but I'm sure you're doing the best for the kids. Let me know if there's a way for me to support you." THAT is good involvement.

 

The second problem is the presumption of the level of influence they should have. It is one thing to have an opinion. It is one thing to offer it when asked. It is one thing even to raise an issue with the expressed hope of being able to share one's opinion.

 

But it is a completely different thing to just blab out "I've thought about it and I think you should consider X, Y, and Z" . It presumes a certain right to share and impose their opinion on you which I think is just not there. (as opposed to msg boards, where the moment one opens one's mouth there's an explicit invitation for all to form an opinion and share it :lol:)

 

 

 

Oh & fwiw, I would not put one kid in school based on the info you've shared. But as always YMMV :)

:iagree:

My view of inlaws is very skewed, but I know its not typical inlaw stuff I deal with, lol.

 

I think she was very gracious, honestly. She took you aside, out of the house. Not done in front of the kids, etc. At least she cares, and isn't trying to manipulate you.

[BikeBookBread]

Third reply attempt - I've lost two to the busy server!

 

Okay, yes, DH and I have talked about putting PDG into public for 1st, but never really seriously. Our last, most-recent discussion actually was to confirm our decision to continue HSing.

 

I think the reason this hurt me so much (and I'm a little vulnerable right now), is because the ILs are SO pro-homeschooling - they rave on and on about the homeschooled kids they know, their oldest grandson's lovely girlfriend is homeschooled just so wonderful, their friends' grandkids are homeschooled and they are just "such neat kids".... on and on and on gushing about everyone else.

 

I know it is out of concern for PDG that she shared, but the undercurrent of the conversation was that PDG is emotionally not fulfilled at home (by me), I'm not doing a good enough job socializing her (the s word was never mentioned but it was implicit), and that her character is flawed because she is so self-centered, and school will solve that problem (which I now disagree with after talking with a very-seasoned HS Mom about an hour ago...).

 

I think finally, what bothers me the most, is that I WAS BUYING INTO IT! MIL can be very convincing...it's almost like she is using a Jedi Mind Trick. I feel weak-minded, weak-hearted and bummed right now...and I think DH agrees with her now, on top of it all... :(

[FlockOfSillies]

I pretty much agree with the others who said that your MIL handled it fine. I'll also add that if you decide that your MIL has a point, and that putting PDG in school is the best thing for one year, then do it without feeling pressure or guilt either way. Sometimes taking someone else's advice is just that -- not caving in to boundary-challenged people. (From what you've described, she doesn't sound like she has a problem with boundaries, unlike Impish's case. (Sorry, Imp, not to embarrass you -- just trying to give OP a sense of the extremes possible.)

 

Granted, I don't think I'd put my kid in school for those reasons. I'd look for other ways to address the issues you have with your girls. YMMV.

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

I know it is out of concern for PDG that she shared, but the undercurrent of the conversation was that PDG is emotionally not fulfilled at home (by me), I'm not doing a good enough job socializing her (the s word was never mentioned but it was implicit), and that her character is flawed because she is so self-centered, and school will solve that problem (which I now disagree with after talking with a very-seasoned HS Mom about an hour ago...).

 

I think finally, what bothers me the most, is that I WAS BUYING INTO IT! MIL can be very convincing...it's almost like she is using a Jedi Mind Trick. I feel weak-minded, weak-hearted and bummed right now...and I think DH agrees with her now, on top of it all... :(

 

I think that it is good to be aware of character issues and to shape them while they are young. At the same time, it is good to take a deep breath and realize that she is only 6 years old. As I'm sure your very-seasoned HS mom shared with you, those character issues can be addressed. And I think that they can be addressed at home more consistently than at ps.

 

I think you were influenced by your MIL because you were still insecure and on-the-fence about this. I presume that you feel better because your friend gave you perspective not only about Duckie but about the different methods of schooling and their benefits and limitations. Sit down with your dh and tell him your new perspective with confidence (or write it down and have him read it).

 

Even someone pro-homeschooling often goes back to the societal default of ps when there are "problems". I put that in quotes because these issues are pretty common and don't have to be huge issues.

[BikeBookBread]

Third reply attempt - I've lost two to the busy server!

 

Okay, yes, DH and I have talked about putting PDG into public for 1st, but never really seriously. Our last, most-recent discussion actually was to confirm our decision to continue HSing.

 

I think the reason this hurt me so much (and I'm a little vulnerable right now), is because the ILs are SO pro-homeschooling - they rave on and on about the homeschooled kids they know, their oldest grandson's lovely girlfriend is homeschooled just so wonderful, their friends' grandkids are homeschooled and they are just "such neat kids".... on and on and on gushing about everyone else.

 

I know it is out of concern for PDG that she shared, but the undercurrent of the conversation was that PDG is emotionally not fulfilled at home (by me), I'm not doing a good enough job socializing her (the s word was never mentioned but it was implicit), and that her character is flawed because she is so self-centered, and school will solve that problem (which I now disagree with after talking with a very-seasoned HS Mom about an hour ago...).

 

I think finally, what bothers me the most, is that I WAS BUYING INTO IT! MIL can be very convincing...it's almost like she is using a Jedi Mind Trick. I feel weak-minded, weak-hearted and bummed right now...and I think DH agrees with her now, on top of it all... :(

[Kate in Arabia]

I think some may depend on the dynamics between you and your inlaws. I refuse to discuss homeschooling with my inlaws. They are not interested in learning about it, or even discussing it, but in trying to convince me I'm wrong for doing it. They did wait once for dh to be absent and then "discuss" it with me, and I felt like I was being ambushed (let's get her alone and question her -- why couldn't they do it with dh there?); and as if homeschooling was something that was all my choice and I was the one forcing dh to do it.

 

For serious issues such as these, dh and I try to keep to our sides -- I field the questions from my parents, he does for the ones from his. An additional trouble for us is the cultural differences, I tend to not express myself in a culturally appropriate way (inadvertently) and end up making things worse; the in-law relationship is a lot more delicate I've found in dh's culture than in my own.

[coffeefreak]

I guess I'm in the minority, because I don't think your MIL had any right to do what she did, nor do I think she "handled" anything well. First off, if she and her husband are really concerned, she should have gone to you AND your husband. You are a team. There's a reason people "divide and conquer" when it comes to sensitive issues. My parents are constantly trying to get their way by getting me alone, and wearing me down. DH always calls them back, or I stop the conversation with the reply, "Why don't we wait until J can discuss this with us." (I lived with their Jedi mind tricks for 18 years!!!:lol:) They are finally getting the hint. My MIL has never tried to divide and conquer, but I think she knows it won't work. After all, she knows her son, and she doesn't want to tick him off.:lol:

 

At this point, I would have your DH handle the situation. You might want to have him call her and explain that, in the future, she should discuss any concerns she has with the kids with the BOTH of you. That would let her know she overstepped, but it wouldn't blow things out of proportion and make everyone angry. If it makes them angry, that's not your problem. Grandparents are not in charge, and have no right to butt in. My Opinion of course :D

 

Blessings!

Dorinda

[WTMindy]

We have very good relationships with both of our parents and we have many times asked them to help us identify issues with our children that we might not see because we are too close. Periodically we ask them if there are things we need to be focusing on that we are missing. It is humbling because sometimes they say things that I don't want to hear. (They have never told us to put our kids in school, but they do point out things we have let slide or something.) And, I can find myself getting defensive, even when I asked. But, I do think it is important (since you say you have a good relationship with them) to try and hear what they are saying and examine it with your hubby. If the two of you agree that there is some merit to what she has said to you, you could come up with a different plan on how to address the issues brought up. If you both feel there is no merit in what she said you can just let her know that too. Either way, I don't think you need to look at advice as an attack, but a way to try and help. Now, if she keeps bringing it up, or badgering you in any way, I'd probably say, "Maybe you should talk to hubby about it."

[happi duck]

I would have refused to go to the mall...I HATE getting set up.

[treestarfae]

BBB, My youngest is stong willed. She just needed some activities to socialize and understand effective sharing, non sharing from others. We have done taekwondo, art classes, girls scouts(daisy), gymnastics, museum camps, storytime at libary. Looking into horseback riding now. There are also Sylvan classes and the like if you want to show how other kids interact with teachers. You have my support to homeschool! Personally I think it's a little dramatic getting someone alone to talk about your decision.

[Mommyfaithe]

Unfortunatly I am the type of person that would continue homeschooling her just because I did not want to look like I was doing what she wanted me to. :glare:

 

 

me too!!!! :lol:

 

As a matter of fact, I am probably still homeschooling (partly) because it ticks my fil off so much!! I am a rebellious child...oy!

 

Faithe

[sandalwood]

This sounds just like what my MIL would have done in the past.

 

Just know that it will get better. My MIL thought I was a freak of nature for homeschooling and probably still does to this day. She lives in a teeny community where "no one" according to her homeschools. Over the years (in our 7th year) she has stopped the comments and does not say a word about us homescholing now. Granted, she doesn't love it but she doesn't mention it any longer. Just handle her with grace if it comes up again and don't say anything you'll regret later. Eventually, she'll probably drop it & if she never does, then you can always say you handled yourself with grace. You know what's best for your child. The grass is not always greener on the other side, so don't let the doubts from her talk the other day change your mind of what YOU want to do. Only you know what's best.

Edited April 12, 2010 by sandalwood

[kalanamak]

I would say "thank you for your concern, we will think about what you said, but in future, could you please just tell me you'd like to talk about something important and we go talk, rather than inviting me somewhere to spring it on me, thank you."

 

I hate being sprung on more than "the talk" (although I always prefer a letter when it comes to "the serious stuff" from anyone but someone I am very, very close to). I find I never trust that person completely again. After a couple of such events, I am MUCH more distant to hubby's family.

[FlockOfSillies]

We have very good relationships with both of our parents and we have many times asked them to help us identify issues with our children that we might not see because we are too close. Periodically we ask them if there are things we need to be focusing on that we are missing. It is humbling because sometimes they say things that I don't want to hear. (They have never told us to put our kids in school, but they do point out things we have let slide or something.) And, I can find myself getting defensive, even when I asked. But, I do think it is important (since you say you have a good relationship with them) to try and hear what they are saying and examine it with your hubby. If the two of you agree that there is some merit to what she has said to you, you could come up with a different plan on how to address the issues brought up. If you both feel there is no merit in what she said you can just let her know that too. Either way, I don't think you need to look at advice as an attack, but a way to try and help. Now, if she keeps bringing it up, or badgering you in any way, I'd probably say, "Maybe you should talk to hubby about it."

 

:iagree: A rule of thumb, especially in regard to wonderful in-laws (and message boards): Don't take offense where none is intended.

[ElizabethB]

:grouphug:

 

You could put them in a one day a week co-op with the same effect if it is a rigorous academic co-op. If it is the Northern VA/DC area, I even know some friends who know of several, we used to live in the area and have several military friends in the area who still homeschool. There are also at least 3 or 4 moms on this board in that general area who can point you to some good co-ops.

 

We did CC this year to get some positive peer pressure (as Nayfies Momma described it) going. I'd prefer a smaller less formal co-op, but moving 6 times in the last 8 years with another movie coming in a few months, it's easiest to go with a standardized national option where you just look up your new location and e-mail the contact person instead of spending months tracking down homeschoolers and a nice group that would fit you perfectly.

[Kate CA]

Third reply attempt - I've lost two to the busy server!

 

Okay, yes, DH and I have talked about putting PDG into public for 1st, but never really seriously. Our last, most-recent discussion actually was to confirm our decision to continue HSing.

 

I think the reason this hurt me so much (and I'm a little vulnerable right now), is because the ILs are SO pro-homeschooling - they rave on and on about the homeschooled kids they know, their oldest grandson's lovely girlfriend is homeschooled just so wonderful, their friends' grandkids are homeschooled and they are just "such neat kids".... on and on and on gushing about everyone else.

 

I know it is out of concern for PDG that she shared, but the undercurrent of the conversation was that PDG is emotionally not fulfilled at home (by me), I'm not doing a good enough job socializing her (the s word was never mentioned but it was implicit), and that her character is flawed because she is so self-centered, and school will solve that problem (which I now disagree with after talking with a very-seasoned HS Mom about an hour ago...).

 

I think finally, what bothers me the most, is that I WAS BUYING INTO IT! MIL can be very convincing...it's almost like she is using a Jedi Mind Trick. I feel weak-minded, weak-hearted and bummed right now...and I think DH agrees with her now, on top of it all... :(

 

From the outside looking in, it sounds like you see there are issues that you have to deal with within your homeschool. The focus on the eldest maybe? Why not work on the relationship with the two children? Why not teach the oldest to serve the youngest and to step out of the light? I don't see how a formal school setting will help accomplish these things. In fact I can see it making them worse.

 

It sounds like perhaps you are allowing the oldest to take center stage and that you also feel that isn't a good thing. This does not mean that homeschooling itself is the issue. You make the choices you do because you choose to make them. No one child can command our whole attention unless we allow them to.

 

As kind of intentions as your MIL probably had, she is undermining the decisions that you and your dh have already made. This isn't helpful for your marriage any more than it is helpful for your homeschool.

 

I would encourage you not to put your dd into school, but to work on teaching her the life skills she ought to know and modeling them for her as you make your youngest child a priority too.

[KJsMom]

My MIL is wonderful, most of the time. She has never openly criticized our decision to homeschool and she makes supportive comments but...I do get comments like, "Maybe you can get a little job and have your own money." "I heard that so & so is hiring, do you think you would like to do that?" I think she resents her son having to be the sole provider for our family. She was a single mom and just doesn't understand me staying home.

[Cindyg]

I got that same speech from my wonderful (not being facetious) father. The grandparents get to express their opinion, and we should consider their input. But the parenting is ultimately up to the parents.

 

I think your MIL shared her input in a very civil way.

[Karis]

That was a set up - and you are so very sweet to overlook it.

 

Are they in the habit of giving unsolicited advice about how grown folks manage their households and other affairs?

 

They are parents yes, but you and your in-laws are on equal footing.

 

Ours no longer comment, they just interrogate our youngest. I can tell by her responses.

 

(Very sincerely)

 

"Oh, you are so smart and doing so well. You are really bright/ on the ball / one smart cookie... Why don't you ask Mommie and Daddy to place you in a charter school?"

 

Spoken to a 2 nd grader who's never attended school and reads at a 4th grade level. Not to ME the parent. "You and your brother are so smart, don't you miss being with other children?"

 

I've heard it all. But advocating sending my children to school because they do so well being homeschooled takes the cake.

 

Dh and I feel like we live in bizzarro world.

 

They don't care what we'd do as long as it's "typical" and looks like everybody else. My children could attend the worst school ever and they'll be fine but homeschool?? WHAT, WHY,?!?!!

 

So, yes your sweet MIL is thinking of the child but...

 

she still trying to assert her will and influence your decisions.

 

and it's inappropriate.

[Dooley]

Our oldest went to K and 1st in public school. It was a good school. But she got the opportunity to get teased and beat up by a bully brother and sister, as well as hearing all about s@x from a little girlfriend. When the school shootings began near us (we were in San Diego), we pulled the kids and never looked back.

 

Its not just about academics. I have not read anyone else's thread, in case it was mentioned! My MIL, an ex-bitter-teacher, was very passive aggressive about this subject for a very long time. Of course they both told dh not to homeschool "just because everyone else is doing it" and she told me to my face, oh, just talking, mind you - that she could not count how many "homeschool kids she had to FIX over the years." Well, her ideas are not relevant to our family. Its been 11 years and it is no longer brought up....

 

Maybe its one thing to be truly concerned and wanting the best and then TRUSTING the parents to make the best decision with the in-laws support vs. having some kind of weird agenda because the in-laws are not close to the family (our case).