Do you ever find yourself looking forward to being ALONE alone?

[Nestof3]

I'm sure this sounds morbid, but I'm going to put it out there. Have you ever had phases where you realize that what you had waited two to three decades for doesn't really exist? That the whole thing was really just a fairy tale? Do you ever have times where you just want to be alone (single/widowed) so you can stop caring what someone thinks about you constantly, stop worrying about externals, working out, makeup, etc? To have a migraine and not worry that someone else's feelings will be hurt or that someone else will be disappointed? Do you ever just feel stiffled by it all?

Edited March 23, 2010 by nestof3

[CathyinNC]

I'm there with you! It is very draining to have to/want to do so much for the members of our families and for people in general. There are definitely times when I dream of a place where nobody talks to me or asks me for anything. Someplace where I don't have to take other people into consideration every time I make a decision. Someplace where I can just sit and think and have an interrupted thought, or even better, an uninterrupted nap!

 

Try taking a walk in the woods or hide somewhere with a book and your favorite beverage! Hope you feel better soon!

[Garga]

I have those moments and we probably all do to a degree. It doesnt mean we're ready to leave our families, but the moments do come up.

 

I'd love to be able to come out of the shower, naked, and walk around the house. I can't do it when DH is home because I'll either feel self-conscious or it will lead to events that I'm not in the mood for. And I can't be naked in front of the kids. Like, on a really hot day, I'd like to leave off the a/c (I don't like it, but dh and kids need it), and walk around in my underwear. But I can't (see above.)

 

I'd like to just putter around without interruptions. When I clean or do a project, I work at a frenetic pace. It seems to scare my family :D, so I try to tone it down when they're around. But then I feel frustrated that I can't just fling myself around cleaning like a crazy woman.

 

I'd like to be in a crabby mood without it affecting a whole household of people. I'd like to get mad or sad and be able to just sob about it loudly, instead of having to sneak away so the kids don't get scared or my dh think I'm a nut.

 

It'd be nice to eat what I want, when I want, instead of there being a schedule, or having to cook a full meal every single night. (Ramen noodles have their place in a single person household. They just do!)

 

But there was just one night over the past 8 years when my dh and both kids were out of the house. I finally had one night where I could do/be anything I wanted. And I felt really sad and lonely. Much more so than I had expected.

 

So, even though I think I want to be alone, I have a feeling I'd get lonely pretty fast.

[Mejane]

Yes. Absolutely. Often. I don't think it makes us bad parents or people to admit that.

[Garga]

Just thought of this: There's a young woman I know who just turned 21 who wants to be married NOW. (But there's no boyfriend.) She wants to be married and with a family so badly and is just miserable that there aren't any prospects in sight right now.

 

One of my married friends was talking to her about it and tried to explain that the grass is SO not green on this side. While this young woman is daydreaming about the family and all the stuff she'll do with a family, some of us old married women are daydreaming about being alone and unencumbered by responsibility.

 

I was an only child. I remember being horribly shocked (shocked!) at just how much compromise is needed in marriage. The day I got married was the day I stopped making a single decision for myself. EVERYTHING I do has to be done with a group of people in mind. EVERYTHING. I do long for the freedom to just *be.*

 

I do wonder what I would be like if I could really be Me all the time, without having to be Wife and Mother. I think I'd be a very different person.

[*********]

You are not alone.

 

I know exactly how you feel.

 

It is what it is.

 

:grouphug:

[IdahoHomeschooler]

Well, I think I did realize that, actually. I am single, with child, and have no desire to marry. Maybe in my forties? Now that that isn't too far away, I think maybe my fifties instead, lol. I have the energy, strength, and desire to give to a child. I really don't have that for another capable adult. I feel selfish and selfless at the same time.

[KidsHappen]

Yes, hon. I know exactly how you feel. I love my children to death and they are wwelcome to stay as long as they would like but I really look forward to the day when it is just me and my hubby. My hubby travels for a living so I figure that would give me the best of both worlds, plenty of alone time plus someone to keep me company in my old age. :001_smile:

[laurad1125]

You've been a fly on the wall at my house, haven't you?

 

Seriously. I'm so tired of all the work my life entails, of the pressure from all the people (dh included) that depend on me to pick up the pieces. Don't get me wrong. I love my family and I'm certain I have contributed to the current situation, but I'm just now realizing that I didn't fully understand the cost when I signed up for this gig, kwim?

 

 

I'm sure this sounds morbid, but I'm going to put it out there. Have you ever had phases where you realize that what you had waited two to three decades for doesn't really exist? That the whole thing was really just a fairy tale? Do you ever have times where you just want to be alone (single/widowed) so you can stop caring what someone thinks about you constantly, stop worrying about externals, working out, makeup, etc? To have a migraine and not worry that someone else's feelings will be hurt or that someone else will be disappointed? Do you ever just feel stiffled by it all?

[Danestress]

I will say that I think I had a more realistic (negative?) view of marriage going into it. I was scared! I really liked having my own apartment and I knew that I would miss it. I was madly in love, so I did it anyway.

 

So maybe I don't feel as much that way because it's not a shock to me to find that marriage, life really, is hard work. And motherhood.

 

I also can easily imagine our husbands saying pretty much what we are with a more "guy" bent to it. "Sometimes I wish I were alone. Sometimes I wish I only had to support myself financially and didn't have to support this woman and our children. I would be so free. I could say, "take this job and shove it," and do what I really want, even if I had to live in an attic somewhere. Wive just need so much and I'm sick of it. If I had known how limited I would feel by the pressure of a family, I might not have done it. I thought it would just be a total s@x fest!"

 

I don't necessarily think my husband feels that way or that any of yours do, but then I wonder if many men sometimes feel that way once in a while. If mine, I hope he talks himself down!

[Ravin]

I used to feel that way. Adding DW#2 to the mix helped immensely. I no longer feel pressure to meet all of DH's emotional needs, etc., all by myself.

 

It also helps that we've struck a balance of autonomy that we're comfortable with. There were a lot of things about ourselves and each other we had to learn before our marriage became comfortable.

[LauraQ]

THanks for asking. Yes, I do. I feel guilty about it, but sometimes I actively fantasize about it. I work full time, homeschool full time, and am the only adult capable of grocery shopping or cooking around here. My wifely duties remain unattended to because I have so. much. stuff. on my plate otherwise, kwim? Ditto that other post about not walking around naked, too!

[IdahoHomeschooler]

I used to feel that way. Adding DW#2 to the mix helped immensely. I no longer feel pressure to meet all of DH's emotional needs, etc., all by myself.

 

It also helps that we've struck a balance of autonomy that we're comfortable with. There were a lot of things about ourselves and each other we had to learn before our marriage became comfortable.

 

 

Ravin, this totally cracked me up. I never would have thought that the answer to more alone time would be more wives! :D I'm going to guess that it isn't a solution most would consider. Is DW#2 the only other one in the mix, or are there others?

[3and3]

I thought I was the only one who felt like this. I was a single mom when I got married and was excited to share the load with someone else, but it has not worked out that way seems like I added to my load! Also, we have had 5 children and lost one late in pregnancy in the first 8 years of our marriage. Now my oldest is 18 and I often think what would it be like if I had not gotten married and had more children.

 

On the other hand I love my family and am thankful for each and everyone of them. But there are days I dream of SILENCE:glare:

[skirch]

Oh yeah, it's not just you. For almost 18 years it was just dh and me and he was in the Navy and gone. A lot. I had loads of "me" time to do exactly as I pleased. then I had a baby and dh retired and 6 years later I'm still trying to adjust to never being alone.

 

I often travel with dd. Dh isn't able to come as much because he has to work and I am sometimes jealous knowing he is home ALL ALONE. Unlike me though, he doesn't enjoy it. He gets bored and doesn't sleep well. I tell him he's doing it wrong then.:tongue_smilie:

[missmoe]

I calll it the drive to Mexico syndrome. I don't know why Mexico and not Canada! Sometimes I just want to get in the car and drive to a new country and have a new identity and be free! And I also wish to walk around NAKED!

 

I think these feelings are okay. Do you take time to be you--without all those titles included? Do you have a social life without the kids and hubby or perhaps a project that is just you? I have a friend who belongs to a professional organization because no one there knows her as a mom or a wife of a husband who is well known in our community. She is just her within that organization. Perhaps, you need something like that.

[MamaSheep]

Well, I do thoroughly enjoy those days (like this past Saturday) when dh takes over the house and kids and I get to just go do whatever I want....aaaaahhhhh.... This time I spent a while window shopping in the garden center and daydreaming a little about my flower beds and garden. I had lunch where I wanted to eat lunch, without having to care a smidge about anyone else's tastes, or how long it might take, or whether they even had children's meals. After lunch I roamed through a couple of bookstores and then went to a temple worship session. All by myself...ahhhh..... Then I went to another bookstore before I went home. Late. When the kids were all in bed. And my fabulous dh had a wonderful hot supper there waiting for me.

 

However, I don't miss my single days, even on the hard days. In fact, when I'm having those days where I just want to run away I remind myself what it was like when I WAS by myself. I LIKE having another responsible adult human being around to take half the burden. Division of labor is a very good thing, in my opinion, and he's my best friend too, which only makes it better. I do look out for him, try to do nice things for him, and do things the way he likes--but then he does the same thing for me, so I get to have the joy of doing things the way I like some of the time, and also the joy of doing something nice for someone I care about some of the time too. I don't always get to be alone when I want to be, every single time, but I do get to be alone some of the time, especially when I really need it--and I'm never lonely. I used to be lonely. No....I don't miss it, and I don't look forward to being alone again. I think if I ever am widowed I will look forward to being reunited again.

[*LC]

I'm widowed, so I don't.

 

I'm never alone, because we have a bunch of kids.

 

At one time, I would look forward to the day when they are all out of the house. (None are old enough to have done that yet, so I don't really know how I'll feel when that starts happening.) Later, I realized I have no clue what I'll do once they are gone. The youngest is in kindergarten, so I guess I'll find out in 12 years. Since I'm always beyond tired, I had thought I would take long, long cruise and sleep and sleep once the youngest went to college, then I learned that cruise prices are based on double-occupancy.

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

There is always the dream that something newer or different will make life better, or more palatable. Then when we get the dream it's still life, nothing magical happens. In fact, the dream sometimes makes life even more difficult. I've been through the process a few times myself with kids, money, houses, etc.

 

The truth is life is not a magical mystery tour. At 45, I'm still trying to get used to the difficulty of just living day to day and being content with that. Each thing I've added to my life has taken more time and effort than the things before, I can totally see myself shedding my possessions as I get older. Each child that grows up and leaves home has left me feeling a little bit freer. I can understand how you feel now, I've felt it before, but I don't think I would be truly happier completely alone.

[Cammie]

Ravin, this totally cracked me up. I never would have thought that the answer to more alone time would be more wives! :D I'm going to guess that it isn't a solution most would consider. Is DW#2 the only other one in the mix, or are there others?

 

 

Ok, that is what she meant, right?? I have always told DH that he is welcome to a wife #1, #2 - as long as they cook and help out around the house! I think I could deal with it!

[chiguirre]

Do you ever have times where you just want to be alone (single/widowed) so you can stop caring what someone thinks about you constantly, stop worrying about externals, working out, makeup, etc? To have a migraine and not worry that someone else's feelings will be hurt or that someone else will be disappointed? Do you ever just feel stiffled by it all?

 

Oh honey, you don't have to be single to give up some of those worries. Relationships evolve as we age. You can't expect to keep up the same appearance standards you had when you were childless with kids and a house to keep. Most of my standards went by the wayside when I was pregnant with dd, working a demanding job, worrying about ds1 missing developmental milestones, etc. Dh adjusted just fine. We learned to cut each other a lot more slack and look at the positives that we do have. Our lives are still hectic, our house is still a wreck a lot of the time (courtesy of ds1) and neither of us is a hottie. That's life. We both make a concerted effort to give the other a break when we can and to give the kids as much fun as possible. You only get one shot at life, so you really need to make the most of the time you have and the people you share it with, even if they're not exactly what you envisaged in your daydreams. It really is true that searching for perfection impedes your ability to enjoy the good things you do have.

[LibraryLover]

I am looking forward to the kids being out on their own at some point (youngest is 10, so that is still a bit away), but I don't wish to be a widow any time soon. Dh and I had a lot of fun together before we got married, so I am looking forward to doing stuff with him. We won't have to worry about cost so much (2 plane or events tickets vs 6) and the two of us will kayack a lot. He's promised me!

 

OF COURSE, I love when I am all ALONE. I love time to myself. I love A LOT of time to myself. Family can be so **** *aggravating*, esp my darling 16 yr old, who tends to be a bit anxious and can work me up. But I don't find my dh particularly demanding. I do however notice that because we are so busy caring for our kids and home we often forget to enjoy each other's company.

[lea1]

I look forward to, need and thoroughly enjoy my weekly scheduled alone time, normally on Saturday mornings. My dear husband takes the boys and they run errands and do what they do and then he brings them home and makes lunch for them.

 

I go to the library, used bookstore, teaching supply stores, run errands, eat lunch somewhere while reading a good book, or whatever else I want to do.

 

I also normally take anywhere from 30 minutes to 1 hour after dinner in the evenings to take a quiet "alone" break in my room, while the dear husband spends some quality time with the boys before they get ready for bed.

 

These are the times that keep me sane and make me a happier mommy and wife.

 

That being said, my husband and I married late in life and both longed to be in a loving marriage long before we were blessed with ours. We have only been married for 5 years now so that memory is still fresh in both of our minds. So if I ever have a fleeting thought of wanting to escape during a bad moment, it is quickly replaced by what it was like being single for such a long time....and then the thought of looking forward to my evening or Saturday alone time. :lol:

[Nestof3]

Thanks ladies. It took a lot to just admit it all. I don't know what's wrong. About a week ago, I was happier than I've ever been. I felt very affectionate, bubbly, etc. Now, I'm just all blahs.

 

I have much more time alone than I used to, though the boys do drain me. Homeschooling has been hard, relationships have been hard, etc. It's not like it was when they were babies and needed me every second.

 

It's more just that feeling of never being enough. Or not feeling treasured. I feel like I have to try so hard to compete or to be better.

[Peela]

Dh and I lived apart for 18 months a few years back and I LOVED it, absolutely. But living apart empowered me to demand changes and he did change and when I agreed to move back in with him, it was definitely different. I feel I can be myself much more. I don't feel so stifled. I did love being a sort of single mum, but I have done it and so am fairly content to be married. But there are certainly days and sometimes more than days, when I crave my own home where I can do things MY way, not put the air con on when the weather is mild, live in an unclttered space, that sort of thing.

In my case, dh knows how I feel and tries to make sure things work for me and I am not doing all the compromising. He does make sure he tells me he cherishes me, frequently. It doesnt help sometimes, but overall it does.

I get a lot of alone time, so I dont crave it much. I go away when I want to, even go overseas. Dh also. We both have a philosophy that its important that we support each other's independence and freedom. However, he usually resists at first whenever I say I m going to do something like a retreat...he doesnt like it, but after a bit he accepts it and supports it. If I wasn't strong about it and adament, it wouldnt happen though.

[nd293]

You are not alone.

 

I know exactly how you feel.

 

It is what it is.

 

 

:iagree:

 

I have days when I imagine just getting on a plane. And it hurts to think I can't / won't just run away.

 

Some days I just want everyone to keep quiet. In fact, right this very second I just want everyone to keep quiet.

 

And it would be so good if someone else could decide what's for dinner? What do I want? I want not to be the one responsible for deciding everything. That's what I want.

 

Being a grown up is exhausting. I never figured on that, when I was still doing the growing.

[Chris in VA]

Thanks ladies. It took a lot to just admit it all. I don't know what's wrong. About a week ago, I was happier than I've ever been. I felt very affectionate, bubbly, etc. Now, I'm just all blahs.

 

I have much more time alone than I used to, though the boys do drain me. Homeschooling has been hard, relationships have been hard, etc. It's not like it was when they were babies and needed me every second.

 

It's more just that feeling of never being enough. Or not feeling treasured. I feel like I have to try so hard to compete or to be better.

 

Nest, may I gently ask if you have been evaluated for depression? Been there.

 

I think you may be at a turning point--a moment of clarity when you realize something is wrong and now have the opportunity to be brave and change it.

 

One of my favorite quotes is

"I began facing the life I had, not the life I dreamed of having, or thought I had the right to have." (Katy Butler)

 

I take it to mean it is far better for me to live this life, right now, than waste a moment of it trying to manage the future or change the past. It's important to mourn your losses; maybe you are doing that in a sort of undercurrent way. Your sadness at what happened in your life vs what you wanted to happen may be leaching out into the everyday and robbing you of joy.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

It takes guts to see the truth, to bring things into the light. Disappointment, loss, admitting some things suck (for lack of a better word)--this is acknowledging real feelings--You talked somewhat about maintaining a bit of a facade--working out, appearances, etc.

 

Dropping the facade, seeing what's there--these give you power to decide to change. You can't change anyone else, and sometimes you can't change your circumstances, but you can get help to learn how to make your inner life such that you can be content in those circumstances and with those people who have not lived up to what you imagined. I'm not saying you need therapy--oh gosh, it does sound like I am, but I'm not! lol I just mean I see you at a tipping point.

 

The imagined life is fun, interesting, engaging--the dreams are there to shoot for, to give us goals to work towards. But in lamenting the lack of the happily ever after, don't discount the joy of the journey. This is REAL. It's worth far more than anything we could come up with on our own.

 

:grouphug:

[Nestof3]

Thanks, Chris. I have considered doing this. My husband and I saw a marriage counselor for a while who diagnosed him as having mild depression for which he has a prescription. I have considered going in there on my own since we no longer go together. I just posted another post that opens up a little more.

 

Nest, may I gently ask if you have been evaluated for depression? Been there.

 

I think you may be at a turning point--a moment of clarity when you realize something is wrong and now have the opportunity to be brave and change it.

 

One of my favorite quotes is

"I began facing the life I had, not the life I dreamed of having, or thought I had the right to have." (Katy Butler)

 

I take it to mean it is far better for me to live this life, right now, than waste a moment of it trying to manage the future or change the past. It's important to mourn your losses; maybe you are doing that in a sort of undercurrent way. Your sadness at what happened in your life vs what you wanted to happen may be leaching out into the everyday and robbing you of joy.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

It takes guts to see the truth, to bring things into the light. Disappointment, loss, admitting some things suck (for lack of a better word)--this is acknowledging real feelings--You talked somewhat about maintaining a bit of a facade--working out, appearances, etc.

 

Dropping the facade, seeing what's there--these give you power to decide to change. You can't change anyone else, and sometimes you can't change your circumstances, but you can get help to learn how to make your inner life such that you can be content in those circumstances and with those people who have not lived up to what you imagined. I'm not saying you need therapy--oh gosh, it does sound like I am, but I'm not! lol I just mean I see you at a tipping point.

 

The imagined life is fun, interesting, engaging--the dreams are there to shoot for, to give us goals to work towards. But in lamenting the lack of the happily ever after, don't discount the joy of the journey. This is REAL. It's worth far more than anything we could come up with on our own.

 

:grouphug: