WWYD? Seeking the advice and wisdom of the collective mind…

[LunaLee]

So…I just posted last week on the afterschooling board on the thread about losing your kids to public school and how dd probably would never come back home, and now fast forward to today when dd is crying to come back home.

 

DD asked to go back to ps this year as a sophomore and we let her, because I felt that she had to try it so that she could see if this was really what she wanted. She had a great first semester, I thought. Nothing stellar, but it’s ps and I didn’t expect much. She got great grades, went to lots of football games, homecoming, and met some new friends. She also: got into a fight and got suspended (not her fault, she was walking away from the confrontation and the girl pulled dd’s hair from behind); is not getting enough sleep; or eating right because the cafeteria has crappy food and it’s really hard to bring a lunch because they have no lockers and; is toting around a 20lb backpack ( I weighed it) because of the no lockers; has discovered the friends she made are worthless (see above about the fight); doesn’t have time to do the things she loves like paint and photography; and has basically been unhappy for the last month or so. In the last 5 days she has gone from only joking about coming back home to begging with tears.

 

The thing is I know she’d be better off at home, but right now she’s an emotional wreck and I don’t know if she’s asking to come home because she really is that unhappy at school, or is she unhappy at school because she’s just really emotional? She also went to ps so that she could play softball and now she thinks she’s not good enough and wants to “play rec ball and take some hitting lessons†until next fall when she can try out for the Traveling Teams again. Her goals have gone from being very adamant about going to a 4 year college to straight out of high school to going the CC route and then transferring to a University. I don’t have a problem with that actually because I feel that it lifts a huge burden off of my shoulders financially and because of the types of classes she can finish up high school with.

 

My dilemma in this whole rambling mess is that part of me (a large part) knows she doesn’t belong there, and that it’s really not good for her. But another part of me (a less larger part) thinks I should make her tough it out and finish up because I don’t want her to get into the habit of quitting things because they are hard. Is she wanting to quite or change these things that used to be so important to her because she’s growing as a person and her priorities are changing or is that, again, she is she quitting because it’s hard, well not hard, but not optimal?

 

If I made a pros and cons list the pro list to bring her back home is far longer than to not. But, some of those cons are pretty heavy.

 

DH says finish it up-Don’t be a quitter. But I’m suspecting that his concern is more personal. I suspect he will be disappointed if she comes back home-like she couldn’t cut it. A lot of those girls and their families on the softball team are people we run into frequently. Plus he talks a lot about her at work and how well she’s doing and I think he’s afraid of what other people with think. Not terribly mature, yes I know, but we all have our little issues. In the end he’ll go along with whatever I decide, but not necessarily be 100% supportive of it. For the record, he’s not opposed to her coming home next year.

 

I would really appreciate any insight/advice/ wisdom/ perspective.

 

If you’ve made it this far: Thanks you deserve chocolate and wine.

[Kate CA]

I would not think twice about bringing her home. It does not sound like a place in which she can flourish and doesn't sound particularly safe or healthy. If she has been talking like this for a month, it is more than emotions.

 

It would be important to be on the same page as my husband in that if you decide to bring her home, that neither you nor he make comments about her being some sort of failure. I don't believe that children are failures. I believe the public school system is the failure here and that she is dealing with the ugliness she has found therein.

 

It seems to me, from the outside looking in, that if she was a confident girl before she went there and did indeed do well and met your expectations that what you see now is a result of her experiences with a system that isn't helping her. I don't see how that is her fault and why she should bear the blame and have to "tough it out" in a broken system. That doesn't sound very fair to me.

 

I believe children should grow up in a healthy environment. I don't think the school as you have described it fits that definition.

[Chris in VA]

Look at why you homeschooled so long in the first place. Was any part of the reason to shield your dd from the very things she experienced? If so, does it make sense that she'd now have to endure them, to prove something about her character and ability?

 

Please bring her home. Even her goals have changed; perhaps that happened because she's no longer as confident--not in her academic life, but somewhere deep inside that has been terribly affected. She has every right to be emotional, btw.

 

If you are worried about college finances (right there with ya!), let her take a few CC classes as a dual-enrolled student. She could bang out 4 classes a year before she even leaves high school age. Perhaps that would fulfill several purposes--get her her confidence back, help her daddy feel proud ("Yes, we pulled her from high school--wasn't the right setting. She's taking college classes now and flourishing"), and save you at least a year's worth of pricier tuition while preparing her for 4yr college.

 

:grouphug: to all of you.

[katilac]

Does it help to look at it as quitting because things aren't working, rather than quitting because things are hard? There are times when it makes sense to tough it out and finish something - - especially if others are relying on you, like on a sports team or in a play. But to finish something that is both making you miserable and not accomplishing its purpose, just so you don't quit? Not so much. I don't see the value in suffering for its own sake.

 

If she were simply taken aback by the level of academic work expected, I might encourage her to finish, but not in this case. I don't think it's awful of your dh to think that people might consider it a failure on her part, and she might partially think that way herself. You simply need to frame things in a positive, forward-looking manner. dd is not quitting public school, she's returning to home school. she's not doing so b/c of the negative atmosphere at school (ppl with kids there will really dislike that reason, lol), but b/c she can accomplish more of her specific, personal goals with hs'ing.

[chiguirre]

I'll go against the flow and say that you should give it a little more time before you let her withdraw. It's February and I personally found it a depressing time of year if you're in a Sept-June school year. I'd ask her to stick it out a bit longer and see how she feels at Spring Break.

 

Another point to consider is the difficulty of finishing her hs subjects if you pull her out now. Would you start over with homeschool materials or buy the textbooks the ps uses and muddle through with those? Would she be able to finish the year's work on time, or would she have to scramble to have enough credits?

 

When are the softball try-outs? Does she really want to quit ps without even trying out for the team? If she does that, will she always regret it? It might be better to try and fail than it is to not even try out and always have that niggling doubt about whether or not you'd have made the team.

 

It's a hard choice and I hope you find a solution that both your dd and you are comfortable with.

[Harriet Vane]

I would not think twice about bringing her home. It does not sound like a place in which she can flourish and doesn't sound particularly safe or healthy. If she has been talking like this for a month, it is more than emotions.

 

It would be important to be on the same page as my husband in that if you decide to bring her home, that neither you nor he make comments about her being some sort of failure. I don't believe that children are failures. I believe the public school system is the failure here and that she is dealing with the ugliness she has found therein.

 

It seems to me, from the outside looking in, that if she was a confident girl before she went there and did indeed do well and met your expectations that what you see now is a result of her experiences with a system that isn't helping her. I don't see how that is her fault and why she should bear the blame and have to "tough it out" in a broken system. That doesn't sound very fair to me.

 

I believe children should grow up in a healthy environment. I don't think the school as you have described it fits that definition.

 

:iagree:

[Starr]

My personal experience is the longer the emotional wreck the longer the healing.

[Parrothead]

Look at why you homeschooled so long in the first place. Was any part of the reason to shield your dd from the very things she experienced? If so, does it make sense that she'd now have to endure them, to prove something about her character and ability?

 

Please bring her home. Even her goals have changed; perhaps that happened because she's no longer as confident--not in her academic life, but somewhere deep inside that has been terribly affected. She has every right to be emotional, btw.

 

If you are worried about college finances (right there with ya!), let her take a few CC classes as a dual-enrolled student. She could bang out 4 classes a year before she even leaves high school age. Perhaps that would fulfill several purposes--get her her confidence back, help her daddy feel proud ("Yes, we pulled her from high school--wasn't the right setting. She's taking college classes now and flourishing"), and save you at least a year's worth of pricier tuition while preparing her for 4yr college.

 

:grouphug: to all of you.

I totally :iagree:

[coralloyd]

I was exactly in her potion my freshman year of high school. My mom had place me in ps after being hsed because she was overwhelmed by the prospect of teaching high school. I was excited at first. Near the second half of the year I was begging to come home (for lots of reasons). I am so greatful that my mom let me come home. I finished up high school early at home. No regrets here. There are many other way to learn the lesson of not giving up. Don't risk her self worth and emotional wellbeing jmo.

[bkpan]

I would not think twice about bringing her home. It does not sound like a place in which she can flourish and doesn't sound particularly safe or healthy. If she has been talking like this for a month, it is more than emotions.

 

It would be important to be on the same page as my husband in that if you decide to bring her home, that neither you nor he make comments about her being some sort of failure. I don't believe that children are failures. I believe the public school system is the failure here and that she is dealing with the ugliness she has found therein.

 

It seems to me, from the outside looking in, that if she was a confident girl before she went there and did indeed do well and met your expectations that what you see now is a result of her experiences with a system that isn't helping her. I don't see how that is her fault and why she should bear the blame and have to "tough it out" in a broken system. That doesn't sound very fair to me.

 

I believe children should grow up in a healthy environment. I don't think the school as you have described it fits that definition.

 

Very good advice.:iagree:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Bring her home. She has plenty of opportunities to learn to stick to a task etc. This isn't good for her. I think that softball needs to have a lower priority than her academics or emotional wellbeing.

[MelanieM]

There is a difference between "being a quitter" and "knowing when to say enough". While I want my kids to learn how to stick with things and meet challenges appropriately, I don't want them to learn how to numb themselves to what is happening around them so that they can stay in harmful environments long past when it is good for them to be there. I know too many unhappy people stuck where they are because of that mindset. So, if you can allow your daughter the experience of knowing when to walk away, I think that will be a fabulous lesson that might serve her well in life. You're not a quitter just because you change your mind.

 

Hugs to you both.

[hsbaby]

I would absolutely bring her home! You gave her the opportunity to try out ps, she realized that the grass isn't always greener, and now wants to go back to what works. I don't see any value in making a child tough something out that is emotionally harmful....and if she is in tears, getting in fights (or a fight), and losing self esteem than it is emotionally harmful IMO. With all of that going on what would be the point of making her finish? Good luck:)

[hornblower]

I vote bring her home.

 

This obsession with 'don't be a quitter' is one of the most damaging paradigms in our culture. This isn't about being a quitter - this is about assessing things and realizing when something is working & when it isn't. It is about finding ways around, building your own detours, creating your own paths instead of being smashed up on the highway because that's the route everyone else takes.

 

Praise her for recognizing the toxic environment she's in & realizing she needs out.

 

I'd keep on encouraging her to think out of the box, to create her own life, to meet her own goals in her own way. There's never just one way to personal success and there's no point in being a martyr just so you can say 'I didn't quit'.

[myfunnybunch]

I would bring her home now.

 

:grouphug:

 

Part of growing up is learning to recognize and figure out what to do when a situation doesn't work for us. Guiding her through this is a wonderful opportunity for her to learn how to advocate for herself, including saying to the rest of the world (or at least the softball team ;) ) confidently, "It wasn't working for me," and moving on regardless of their comments or fear of their judgements.

 

Cat

[MamaSheep]

That is a tough one. I think I would have to know your daughter better, and more about the school in order to form a real opinion on this. If it were me, I would want to know how much of her emotional state is a reaction to a "bad" situation, as opposed to a reaction to a "new" situation that is hard for her. If she were in actual danger at school I would absolutely pull her out TODAY. If I thought she was getting suicidal or something, same thing.

 

On the other hand, I think that some of the times of my life in which I experienced the most personal growth were times when I was in just a little over my head and feeling a bit frantic--and I wouldn't want to deprive my kids of that kind of opportunity just because my mommy heart hurts to see them struggling. When I started college, for example, I was suddenly 2000 miles away from home in an area where I knew nobody and quite a different culture than where I grew up. I was a bit of an emotional wreck for a while just because it was all so overwhelming. I remember crying to my mother on the phone more than once and asking if I couldn't please go home and go to a community college because I was obviously not ready for this yet. I am eternally grateful that she expressed confidence in my ability to handle it and told me we couldn't afford another plane ticket until the end of the year. (We could have, if it was really an emergency.)

 

I think in many ways the feeling of accomplishment and the increase in ability that we get from accomplishing a task are directly proportional to the difficulty of the task. If we don't let our kids take on tasks that they ARE capable of, but only after a lot of sweat, a lot of "figuring out", and even a few tears, then we are depriving them of that sense of accomplishment and in some ways 'stunting' their personal growth. I am definitely NOT saying we should allow our children to be abused, and certainly not that we should intentionally torment our children, but I do think that there is a place for standing on the sidelines cheering them on while they drip blood and sweat all over the "field" proving to themselves that they ARE strong, they ARE smart, and they CAN do hard things.

 

So if it were me, I would take her out if she was in real danger of being "broken" by the experience. But if she were merely undergoing growing pains in learning to face up to a difficult circumstance, I'd probably tell her she had to stick it out until the end of the year, and that it's too early yet to be making final decisions about college, but it's good that she wants to keep all her options open. And then I'd tell her what a strong, confident, independent, intelligent girl I knew she was and that I would not ask her to do it unless I was positive she could handle this stuff.

 

And then, while she was at school, I might lock myself in the bathroom and cry for a little while and totally second-guess myself....lol.

[jenn-]

I don't have a child that age, so take my advice with a grain of salt. I would have her stick it out at least one more month. Let her know that you hear her and that if after that month she still wants to come home, you will go to the principal that day. I would be concerned she is hormonal and making a snap decision without truly thinking through it all. Giving her a month to think on it would eliminate that concern to some degree.

 

My little sister had a hard time when we moved to Alabama (she was an 8th grader, always PS). As the new kid in school everyone wanted to be her friend including the popular girls. Well popular 8th grade girls can be real B******* and they quickly lost interest in her. Broke my sister's heart that she had no real friends. Sure enough a few weeks later she had new friends that were more in tune with who she was. She has been friends with those kids for over 10 years now.

[outtamyshell]

My advice may not be worth much, but I'll throw it out there anyway... Take your time making the decision. I don't like the idea of running from something... It's better to determine what you do want and run towards it. If you talk seriously about this for the next several weeks, and she feels like she's got some control over the final decision, then she just may decide to stay.

 

I've got lots of experience with pulling a child out of school. My dd switched schools several times in 4-8th grade. She frequently tells me that I pulled her out just when she was starting to adjust. Of course, I thought I was pulling her out when things got too bad to handle. But now I think I made some hasty decisions based too much on emotion.

[Stacy in NJ]

I'd make her stick it out probably until the end of the year. I'd then allow her to reevaluate over the summer about next year. I do think it's a negative message to quit at the first sign of failure. School wasn't all she expected it to be. Many things in her future won't be the idealized version either. We all sometimes need to make the best of less than perfect circumstances. If she quits now, she'll forever live with having given up when things became difficult.

 

Now, if she's experiencing bullying and/or a hostile environment, that's another situation all together.

 

ETA: If your dd were younger, I'd take the decision out of her hands and bring her home whether she wanted to or not, but because she's nearly an adult, she needs to live with the repercussions of her choices.

Edited February 4, 2010 by Stacy in NJ
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[Mrs Mungo]

I would not think twice about bringing her home. It does not sound like a place in which she can flourish and doesn't sound particularly safe or healthy. If she has been talking like this for a month, it is more than emotions.

 

It would be important to be on the same page as my husband in that if you decide to bring her home, that neither you nor he make comments about her being some sort of failure. I don't believe that children are failures. I believe the public school system is the failure here and that she is dealing with the ugliness she has found therein.

 

Look at why you homeschooled so long in the first place. Was any part of the reason to shield your dd from the very things she experienced? If so, does it make sense that she'd now have to endure them, to prove something about her character and ability?

 

Please bring her home. Even her goals have changed; perhaps that happened because she's no longer as confident--not in her academic life, but somewhere deep inside that has been terribly affected. She has every right to be emotional, btw.

 

Does it help to look at it as quitting because things aren't working, rather than quitting because things are hard? There are times when it makes sense to tough it out and finish something - - especially if others are relying on you, like on a sports team or in a play. But to finish something that is both making you miserable and not accomplishing its purpose, just so you don't quit? Not so much. I don't see the value in suffering for its own sake.

 

I strongly agree with all of the above.

[Aubrey]

So…I just posted last week on the afterschooling board on the thread about losing your kids to public school and how dd probably would never come back home, and now fast forward to today when dd is crying to come back home.

 

DD asked to go back to ps this year as a sophomore and we let her, because I felt that she had to try it so that she could see if this was really what she wanted. She had a great first semester, I thought. Nothing stellar, but it’s ps and I didn’t expect much. She got great grades, went to lots of football games, homecoming, and met some new friends. She also: got into a fight and got suspended (not her fault, she was walking away from the confrontation and the girl pulled dd’s hair from behind); is not getting enough sleep; or eating right because the cafeteria has crappy food and it’s really hard to bring a lunch because they have no lockers and; is toting around a 20lb backpack ( I weighed it) because of the no lockers; has discovered the friends she made are worthless (see above about the fight); doesn’t have time to do the things she loves like paint and photography; and has basically been unhappy for the last month or so. In the last 5 days she has gone from only joking about coming back home to begging with tears.

 

The thing is I know she’d be better off at home, but right now she’s an emotional wreck and I don’t know if she’s asking to come home because she really is that unhappy at school, or is she unhappy at school because she’s just really emotional? She also went to ps so that she could play softball and now she thinks she’s not good enough and wants to “play rec ball and take some hitting lessons†until next fall when she can try out for the Traveling Teams again. Her goals have gone from being very adamant about going to a 4 year college to straight out of high school to going the CC route and then transferring to a University. I don’t have a problem with that actually because I feel that it lifts a huge burden off of my shoulders financially and because of the types of classes she can finish up high school with.

 

My dilemma in this whole rambling mess is that part of me (a large part) knows she doesn’t belong there, and that it’s really not good for her.

Sometimes it's good to read your own words.

 

But another part of me (a less larger part) thinks I should make her tough it out and finish up because I don’t want her to get into the habit of quitting things because they are hard. Is she wanting to quite or change these things that used to be so important to her because she’s growing as a person and her priorities are changing or is that, again, she is she quitting because it’s hard, well not hard, but not optimal?

 

If I made a pros and cons list the pro list to bring her back home is far longer than to not. But, some of those cons are pretty heavy.

 

DH says finish it up-Don’t be a quitter. But I’m suspecting that his concern is more personal. I suspect he will be disappointed if she comes back home-like she couldn’t cut it. A lot of those girls and their families on the softball team are people we run into frequently. Plus he talks a lot about her at work and how well she’s doing and I think he’s afraid of what other people with think. Not terribly mature, yes I know, but we all have our little issues. In the end he’ll go along with whatever I decide, but not necessarily be 100% supportive of it. For the record, he’s not opposed to her coming home next year.

 

I would really appreciate any insight/advice/ wisdom/ perspective.

 

If you’ve made it this far: Thanks you deserve chocolate and wine.

 

This part: the main concern seems to be quitting. I agree, being a quitter is not good. Leaving an abusive situation IS good.

 

Put yourself or your dh in the above situation: coworkers physically assault you, you get carried down to the police station & have to do community service, you aren't given your own desk & so you have to carry 20lb of office equipment around on your back all day...need I go on?

 

This isn't about quitting. This is about sticking up for your dd & making it safe for her. to. make. mistakes. Iow, she tried ps. Turns out, it's not for her. You knew that, & now, by letting her come home, you're letting her know that it's ok to try new things. If they don't work out, sure there are times when there's a commitment involved that you need to honor. This isn't one of them.

 

The lesson here? Mom & Dad will support me no matter what.

[Old Dominion Heather]

School is her job. If you are in a horrible work situation, you usually find a new job. I would not just take care of the situation for her, but help her find out what coming back to homeschool will entail as far as the courses and credits. I'd make sure that she knows that if she wants to go back after this, she may lose a semester's credit and end up doing summer school. Discuss the pros and cos and then let her make her own decision. At least then you will have let her be in control of the situation and decision making.

[gardening momma]

I'm posting this before I finish reading the thread...

 

Regarding her college choices...read SWB's recent blog posts about a gap year.

 

The gap year, Part I: a definition

The gap year, Part II: my own thoughts

[hillfarm]

I would have your dd take a day off school, go do lunch and spend some time talking things through. Remind her of the reasons she wanted to go to ps so much previously and ask her why those things have changed. Ask her if there is more going on than she has been telling you. PS can be a real jungle. And make sure she knows that you believe hopping back and forth would be bad for her, so this is the last change.

 

Regarding quitting, can you make it into trading up? If she is totally into ball can you find her a high level coach that would do some private coaching during the school day? Or some other fabulous activity that she can't do if she remains in ps? Make it a situation where your dh can save face by proudly announcing that his dd has this magnificent opportunity, so has wisely decided to do what it takes with her schooling to make room for it to happen. Like professional child athletes so often do.

 

How many of us have yearned for the greener grass on the other side of the fence only to find out that it was astro turf? Why prolong the agony? Your dd made an age-appropriate mistake and has learned many important lessons. Continuing to rub her nose in those errors will only damage her spirit and your relationship.

[Ruthie]

you are a good mama...I would be smirking as i did the "i told ya so" dance:tongue_smilie: