Vacation Plans......Am I being selfish?

[Chloe]

Dh wants to use most of his yearly bonus to take his father to Europe. His father is up there in age (late 70s) and, except for the Korean War, has never been overseas. He's of German heritage and dh would like to take him to Germany and maybe visit some other countries while there. I really have no problem with dh taking his father on a vacation. It's just that our youngest dc (3.5) is big time into the Disney princesses and is the only one of our dc who hasn't been to Disney World. I'd like her to go when she would really be into it. KWIM?

 

Also, most of our vacations the past few years have been split up family-wise. Dh took our oldest son to Switzerland to visit a friend who lives there. I couldn't go because our youngest was too young to leave and our other son has life-threatening food allergies. We didn't feel comfortable leaving them. The next year, I got to take my oldest daughter to Switzerland, along with my mother. So the son with the food-allergies wasn't left out, when we got home dh took him to Disney World for a few days and to visit dh's parents who live in Florida. We were able to do all this because dh had a ton of miles earned from lots of business traveling. He no longer travels for work so any vacation we take now would be completely out of pocket.

 

I just feel like we are taking too many separate vacations. Our marriage is great, no problems. We have a regular date night every other week. I don't know why I'm so bothered by dh taking his dad on a vacation. I think part of it is because dh and I haven't had a vacation by ourselves (except one night away) in nine years. I kind of resent that we aren't doing these things together. Dh keeps saying we'll get our chance when the kids are older, but you never know. We aren't wealthy, and dh is looking to change jobs, possibly start his own business. What do you think? Am I being selfish? Be honest, but gentle please. :)

[melissel]

I don't have too much advice, just :grouphug: I think you make excellent points and I'd probably feel the same way, yet I also think it's such a lovely idea for your DH to take his dad to Europe, and that your DD will probably still be princess-crazed next year too (if my own DD is any indication!).

 

Have you calmly laid all this out for your DH? What does he have to say about how you're feeling about it?

 

:grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

I don't think you are being selfish, but I do admire your husband's desire to honor his father with this trip. This is not a matter of one thing being right or wrong, but rather a matter of what is the best choice among many.

 

Your dd will have many opportunities to go to Disney. Her life is in front of her.

 

The older your fil ages, the less likely a trip to Germany. I would let your dh enjoy this trip with his father. Yes it's a sacrifice, but I believe it will be meaningful to them in a unique way, and it is easy to see that the window of opportunity for that experience will continue to narrow until it is just not possible anymore.

[littlebug42]

I understand how you feel but I think there will be other years for your daughter and not so much for your FIL. Also, if your husband does not take him and something happens, will he live with regret over it? I would rather give up one more vacation than leave my dh with an emotional burden like that.

[Greta]

I can definitely understand you wanting to take a vacation with your dh, and I don't think that's selfish at all! I also, however, think it's really sweet that he wants to do this for his Dad. So that's a tough call.

 

I don't think you need to worry about your daughter not being into the Disney experience any time soon, though. At 3, how much of it would she remember anyway? We took my dd at 8, and the princess luncheon was the thrill of her life. Plus, there's so many more rides they can take advantage of when they're a little older. And they have more stamina for enjoying the parks all day. DH and I were congratulating ourselves constantly on our wise decision to wait until she was old enough to not need a stroller! :D It's hard enough to make your way through the crowds without having to deal with that.

[MamaSheep]

I think you have a wonderful opportunity to give a gift to your husband--the sort that will make him WANT to sweep you away to exotic places when time and circumstances permit. Smile and kiss him goodbye, and be happy to see him when he gets back. Then start saving for next year's trip to see the Disney Princesses. Four year old girls love them even more than three year old girls. :) :grouphug:

[mom2denj]

I don't think you are being selfish, but I do admire your husband's desire to honor his father with this trip. This is not a matter of one thing being right or wrong, but rather a matter of what is the best choice among many.

 

Your dd will have many opportunities to go to Disney. Her life is in front of her.

 

The older your fil ages, the less likely a trip to Germany. I would let your dh enjoy this trip with his father. Yes it's a sacrifice, but I believe it will be meaningful to them in a unique way, and it is easy to see that the window of opportunity for that experience will continue to narrow until it is just not possible anymore.

 

:iagree:

[Melinda in VT]

I can understand feeling like your recent vacations have been too fractured. I understand wanting a vacation alone with your husband. I don't think those feelings are selfish.

 

On the other hand, a trip with an aging father outweighs Disney for a 3yo in my book. And I love Disney.

 

I'd encourage your DH to go, and then maybe address the macro issue of what percentage of your vacations are for only a subset of the family at a later date.

 

FWIW, we have a lot of separate and family vacations. Sometimes the pendulum swings too far in one direction and we need to correct. But I'd do that after the trip with his father.

[Kalypso]

I don't think you are being selfish, but I do admire your husband's desire to honor his father with this trip. This is not a matter of one thing being right or wrong, but rather a matter of what is the best choice among many.

 

Your dd will have many opportunities to go to Disney. Her life is in front of her.

 

The older your fil ages, the less likely a trip to Germany. I would let your dh enjoy this trip with his father. Yes it's a sacrifice, but I believe it will be meaningful to them in a unique way, and it is easy to see that the window of opportunity for that experience will continue to narrow until it is just not possible anymore.

 

:iagree:

 

I couldn't have said this better.:)

[Chloe]

Thank you! I agree. I don't want to deny dh this special time with his dad. When it comes down to it, the Disney trip is not really the issue. I know my dd will enjoy the trip just as much, if not more, when she is older. Like I said, I guess I just wish dh and I could be taking vacations alone together. I know my parents would be fine watching our dc for a few days, maybe even a week, but dh thinks it's too much to ask. My parents have also made comments to my sister that they can't understand why we have been taking so many separate vacations. That bothers me. They know the situations, but they just don't seem to understand.

 

Now, off to encourage dh to make his plans..........

[mycalling]

 

The next year, I got to take my oldest daughter to Switzerland, along with my mother.

This is what stands out for me. He didn't get to take his parent with him the year before, only you got to take your parent the following year.

[Melinda in VT]

My parents have also made comments to my sister that they can't understand why we have been taking so many separate vacations. That bothers me. They know the situations, but they just don't seem to understand.

 

Now, off to encourage dh to make his plans..........

 

We get those, too. I've learned to (mostly) ignore them.

[Impish]

If there *must* be a vacation, I agree with the others that the trip to Germany should be the choice.

 

That being said, with everything coming out of pocket, and your dh's future employment being in question, I'd not be taking a vacation at all, but rather keeping the savings acct full. Starting your own business is usually a tough row to hoe for the first few years...I'd be building the savings acct like crazy while he was still employed to offset the potential tough years ahead.

 

But that's me. I've had too many times of choosing btwn buying bread or milk to risk a vacation while employment uncertainty looms.

[Chloe]

This is what stands out for me. He didn't get to take his parent with him the year before, only you got to take your parent the following year.

 

I agree. However, just to clarify, we only covered my mom's flight (with the miles earned). She had to pay her way for everything else. The plan was just for me to take our daughter. But dh's friend didn't live in Switzerland anymore, so we were on our own. I didn't feel comfortable going alone, so asked if my sister or mom could go if they paid their way. I'm glad I got to have her there with me, and I'm glad dh will get to have his dad with him. He will, however, have to cover his dad's whole trip. I really don't have a problem with the money part of it, just saying.....

[Chloe]

If there *must* be a vacation, I agree with the others that the trip to Germany should be the choice.

 

***That being said, with everything coming out of pocket, and your dh's future employment being in question, I'd not be taking a vacation at all, but rather keeping the savings acct full. Starting your own business is usually a tough row to hoe for the first few years...I'd be building the savings acct like crazy while he was still employed to offset the potential tough years ahead.

 

But that's me. I've had too many times of choosing btwn buying bread or milk to risk a vacation while employment uncertainty looms.***

 

 

 

 

Good point. We do have a cushion built, and the business has really already been started. He's just not going to give up his current job until the new business is built up enough to live off of. He's able to do that because he has a couple of partners.

[Denisemomof4]

I was advised early on in our marriage to never take separate vacations. I am thankful for that advice to this day.

 

Now I admit, I go away for weekends once or twice per year, and twice in our married life I went away for a week to visit friends. My dh encourages this because we have one child who has severe issues and sometimes I need time to just not have to deal with ISSUES. But other than that, we always take family vacations together.

 

I think you need to talk to dh and tell him that after he takes his father you want to concentrate on only doing family vacations together. With all the separate vacations you're spending the money of a family vacation but just divide it in two. If finances are an issue, vacation every other year and spend the off year doing day trips or just relaxing together and enjoiying time together.

[Mrs Mungo]

I don't think you are being selfish, but I do admire your husband's desire to honor his father with this trip. This is not a matter of one thing being right or wrong, but rather a matter of what is the best choice among many.

 

Your dd will have many opportunities to go to Disney. Her life is in front of her.

 

The older your fil ages, the less likely a trip to Germany. I would let your dh enjoy this trip with his father. Yes it's a sacrifice, but I believe it will be meaningful to them in a unique way, and it is easy to see that the window of opportunity for that experience will continue to narrow until it is just not possible anymore.

 

I totally agree.

[Dobela]

Not too long ago my dad decided to take my widowed grandmother (in her late 70s)on a long trip - completely out his own pocket - to visit places she had not been since she was a child. My mom was very unhappy about it and against it for many reasons, mostly selfish, jealous reasons when you get to the root of her comments.

 

A year after the trip my grandmother was in a nursing home in fragile health. 2 years later she didn't even recognize my dad. Until her health failed my grandmother could speak of nothing but the trip. It had been the gift of a lifetime for her and the best gift she had been given. My dad absolutely treasures that trip with my grandmother. They spent many hours sharing and talking in a way they never had before - in a relaxed, happy, unhurried way. My dad learned more about my grandmother from those days than he had in his entire life. His only regret now is not doing it sooner so that maybe he could have taken 2 or even 3 trips with her to different places.

 

Please encourage your husband to do this. And then I encourage you to do the same with your parents. I know money and nest eggs are important, but sometimes I think we need to do more of just what your dh is wanting to do and stop worrying about money.

 

As far as taking trips separately, I know several couples that do this and they all have strong marriages. My uncle loves all things about horse trail rides, and my aunt doesn't. She goes on cruises (which he finds confining) and he goes on trail rides. A dear friend has a husband that will leave on his own each year while she stays behind and runs his business. I think they just took their first vacation together in 10 years. In exchange, she also gets to travel and do on her own. They love the arrangement although many seem confused by the arrangement that don't travel this way.

[kpupg]

I don't think you are being selfish, but I do admire your husband's desire to honor his father with this trip. This is not a matter of one thing being right or wrong, but rather a matter of what is the best choice among many.

 

Your dd will have many opportunities to go to Disney. Her life is in front of her.

 

The older your fil ages, the less likely a trip to Germany. I would let your dh enjoy this trip with his father. Yes it's a sacrifice, but I believe it will be meaningful to them in a unique way, and it is easy to see that the window of opportunity for that experience will continue to narrow until it is just not possible anymore.

 

:iagree:

 

How beautiful a relationship they must have, for your dh to even consider this kind of trip. Your dh sounds like a real treasure.

 

Karen

[Parrothead]

I don't think you are being selfish. I think alternate arrangements need to be made.

 

Can you scale back some? Dh shortens his visit to Germany by a day or two. You and dh send the kids to Grandmas for 2 or 3 nights. Go to a hotel in town or the closest posh hotel. You don't need Paris (as and example) to have a meaningful time with dh.

 

Plan a family trip to somewhere other than Disney. There are amusement parks all over the country. Find the closest one and take the kids for a couple days.

 

Find out what you will give you the biggest bang for your buck. Maybe three inexpensive vacations are doable for the price of 1 or 2 more expensive ones.

[LibraryLover]

Since you asked. :001_smile:

 

The Disney Princesses are not going anywhere. She'll remember it more at age 4 or 5 , anyway. Let your dh take his father to Germany and send them off with your great blessings. It's the adult--and correct-- thing to do.

[Starr]

I think your dh could carefully plan his trip with dad and not use all the money. I can't imagine Dad expects to see everything in europe.

[cougarmom4]

Can you go with dh and his father?

[FriedClams]

Let DH and his dad go. Encourage them. Get a few books of things they can do from the library. Don't be resentful. It's a trip of a lifetime and one that, if you can afford it, would be a wonderful memory for both of them.

 

As for Disney - it's not going anywhere. We went for the first time this past year with a 6 and 7 year old. They mentioned a number of times how badly they felt for the little kids who were crying, being drug around all over the place and were just too little to enjoy the trip. I couldn't help but agree with them. I think the perfect age for Disney is when you are well past naps and the kids can walk an easy 8 miles a day. :)

 

Embrace the trip. Plan another later for the family. Or do it soon but cheap - camp. It's really fun.

[gardening momma]

My parents have also made comments to my sister that they can't understand why we have been taking so many separate vacations. That bothers me. They know the situations, but they just don't seem to understand.

[this is not criticizing your separate vacations, but to say I understand your parent's inability to understand]

 

When I was growing up, we never had separate vacations. I don't even think my parents went on a vacation without us. The only trips they made that were without us were to go to conferences, although those can be nice getaways without kids. Dh and I do the same, but we have not had a vacation without kids. We did get to go to Hawaii, but it was for a conference. We added a few days, so it was a vacation too. But I can't imagine splitting up to take one child somewhere while the other parent & child stay home.

 

But in your case, I would put a high priority on your dh taking his dad on that trip. Then, after a few months, perhaps, discuss taking vacations together as a family.

[Chloe]

[this is not criticizing your separate vacations, but to say I understand your parent's inability to understand]

 

When I was growing up, we never had separate vacations. I don't even think my parents went on a vacation without us. The only trips they made that were without us were to go to conferences, although those can be nice getaways without kids. Dh and I do the same, but we have not had a vacation without kids. We did get to go to Hawaii, but it was for a conference. We added a few days, so it was a vacation too. But I can't imagine splitting up to take one child somewhere while the other parent & child stay home.

 

But in your case, I would put a high priority on your dh taking his dad on that trip. Then, after a few months, perhaps, discuss taking vacations together as a family.

 

Oh, I understand. We didn't set out to take separate vacations. It just happened that way when dh wanted to go visit his childhood friend in Switzerland, and I could not go with him. He thought it would be a good experience for our oldest son and took him. He loved Switzerland so much he wanted me to enjoy it too and let me take our oldest dd, since someone had to stay home with the other dc. Then he felt bad for our other son, so he took him with him to visit his parents in Florida, making a detour to Disney before leaving. So the whole thing sort of snowballed. That's why dh wanting to take his dad to Europe upset me. I don't want to make a habit of these separate vacations. I don't think it's a good thing.

[Haiku]

What do you think? Am I being selfish?

 

I don't think you are being selfish and I understand where your feelings are coming from.

 

My honest opinion is that you should enjoy the fact that your husband is the kind of man who would take his elderly father to Europe for vacation and book a weekend at a hotel for you and your husband .

 

:grouphug:

 

 

Tara

[StaceyinLA]

Dh and I take a lot of separate vacations. Actually, I tend to take vacations with the kids and he just doesn't choose to come. Disney is not his thing and we LOVE it (and I have teenagers).

 

The only trips we take together as a family are to the beach, and even then sometimes we go without him if he can't take off work.

 

He and I don't take many trips alone right now (maybe every other summer to the beach for 3-4 days), but we figure that will come as the kids leave home.

[Rosie_0801]

I won't hurt anyone to give your dh a kiss and say "My turn next!"

 

Rosie

[LibraryLover]

Dh and I take a lot of separate vacations. Actually, I tend to take vacations with the kids and he just doesn't choose to come. Disney is not his thing and we LOVE it (and I have teenagers).

 

The only trips we take together as a family are to the beach, and even then sometimes we go without him if he can't take off work.

 

He and I don't take many trips alone right now (maybe every other summer to the beach for 3-4 days), but we figure that will come as the kids leave home.

 

 

:001_smile: OF course we love to travel together, but sometimes other get-aways work out well. One year I took my 4 kids alone to WDW for 10 days. It was awesome. We hung out by the pool, took our time, and dh met up with us after his biz trip (to a freezing cold Chicago lol) for a couple of days and we all came home together. That trip was so unbelieveably relaxing. All the kids wanted to do was swim in the pools, and all I wanted to do was watch them and soak up sun. I fed them microwaved Amy's Organic meals, and fruit, and Mickey Head ice cream, and it couldn't have been cheaper.

 

I'm taking my hsrs and college student (spring break) to FL in March, and my dh is staying home with the schooler.

 

My dds and I go on a trip with my sisters and my youngest sister's child every year.

 

My dh and our schooling teen has much less flexibility, esp when school is in seession. My dh will take the schooled teen somewhere on his spring break. One year he took him on a business trip to CA and that worked out great.

Edited February 4, 2010 by LibraryLover

[EmeraldGirl]

I think you have a wonderful opportunity to give a gift to your husband--the sort that will make him WANT to sweep you away to exotic places when time and circumstances permit. Smile and kiss him goodbye, and be happy to see him when he gets back. Then start saving for next year's trip to see the Disney Princesses. Four year old girls love them even more than three year old girls. :) :grouphug:

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Sounds like you have a great relationship with your husband and your giving him this time with his father will hopefully only grow his love for you as a wonderful and understanding wife...and it could go the other way if you suggest he not take his dad when it seems very important to him.

[kalanamak]

I can understand feeling like your recent vacations have been too fractured. I understand wanting a vacation alone with your husband. I don't think those feelings are selfish.

 

On the other hand, a trip with an aging father outweighs Disney for a 3yo in my book. And I love Disney.

 

 

 

:iagree:Except the part about Disney.