WWYD regarding future DIL and grandbaby?

[KidsHappen]

SO I have been talking to future DIL and her mother. Things are not good there. They have not been able to talk to my son at all. He is not allowed calls or visitors. He has not seen the baby.

 

The girl is currently staying with her mother but the mother is renting and the landlord say the girl has to be out by this weekend. She has no where else to go. She is receiving no services. She was getting medical care when she was pregnant and I think the baby still is but for some reason she is not getting WIC and she is not breastfeeding. Formula is $7 per can which no one there can afford. And I have no idea how she is paying for diapers as she is not using cloth. She listed my son as the father even though they are not married and told them she was living with him even though he is in jail so she is not getting any welfare, food stamps, AFDC or medicaid (care?).

 

She is young, naive and from a very poor background. In spite of this her family has no experience working with the system and they can't seem to get the help they need. When my son finishes his term there they will transfer him here to serve his term for the TN charge (which I don't even know what is or how long it will be) but in any case she looks like she will be on her own for awhile.

 

For many reasons, she can not live with us. For one, I simply do not have room for another adult in this house. I don't even have room for my 18 year old to move back if she wanted. For another, this girl has had problems with drugs, alcohol, smoking and the law herself. I don't think that she would be the best influence for my young girls nor would I feel terribly safe with her here.

 

On the other hand, I don't want to leave the baby uncared for. I would gladly take her in if they wanted me to. I could easily set up a bassinet beside my bed and there are certainly enough people around here to help out with a baby. The problem is I am not exactly sure how to say to them that I will gladly take in the baby for you until you can get on your feet but I am sorry, I can't home you. My hubby is driving down there this weekend to deliver more stuff and I would like to let them know that they have this option if they want but I really don't know how to phase it especially since I don't know them well and I can't talk to my son.

 

How would you handle this? What would you say?

[Goodallmomma]

My guess, if the mother is that bad off, she will do what's best for the baby. It seems to me, giving the baby to you for now is the best option. I would approach her in a straight forward and honest way. Tell her you don't know much about her, but are aware of her lifestyle or "previous" lifestyle. Explain you are not trying to judge her, but for the care of your daughters you can not offer her a place to stay. Let her know you will be happy to take care of the baby for now, until she can get into a stable place. Set some rules on when and how she could visit the baby. Above all make sure you get a lawyer to draw up temporary custody papers for you and get the mother to sign. This way you can legally get insurance for the baby. I'm sure this is a difficult situation for you and your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[*********]

Wow, that's rough.

 

What makes you think the girl would leave the baby with you to take care of? (That sounds snarky, but I don't mean it that way at all.) I mean, has she given you some indication that she would do that? If not, the suggestion might not be received well.

 

Or you could say something like 'We have room to keep (baby) with us while you find a place/get yourself on your feet/whatever. That might work. That way she won't feel like you're trying to take her baby from her, but just trying to help her out until she can get more stable. And if she took you up on it, you could look into getting temporary assistance for the baby in your area maybe? I'm not sure how that works...

 

That sounds like a hard situation all around. I understand your dilemma. But you know, no matter how hard things are for the young mother, she just may not be willing to give up the baby, even temporarily. But you can't help her if you don't ask.

 

:grouphug: to you. That must be a very hard situation for you to navigate.

[Avila]

:grouphug: No advice, but praying for all of you.

[KidsHappen]

 

What makes you think the girl would leave the baby with you to take care of? (That sounds snarky, but I don't mean it that way at all.) I mean, has she given you some indication that she would do that? If not, the suggestion might not be received well.

 

 

Well, no that is part of the problem. She and her mother have made comments that she has no where to go and that she doesn't know what she is going to do and my son did ask me to take them in but no one has broached the subject of just the baby staying for awhile. I don't know how to bring it up diplomatically but I do want her to know that she does have this option as a last case scenario. I can see where it might not be well received though and I can understand that hence my quandry. :confused:

Edited January 23, 2010 by KidsHappen

[laughing lioness]

A good friend of mine just went through this but DSS was involved. She is now raising her granddd because she is next of kin.

I would caution against your taking the baby without some legal doc. It could happen that she might come back later (under some poor influence) to sue you for kidnapping or some other crazy nonsense. Not trying to be a rain cloud..I've just worked with enough folks that don't have enough to see how desperate things can get.

[elegantlion]

Well, no that is part of the problem. She and her mother have made comments that she has no where to go and that she doesn't know what she is going to do and my son did ask me to take them in but no one has broached the subject of just the baby staying for awhile. I don't know how to bring it up diplomatically but I do want her to know that she does have this option as a last case scenario. I can see where it might now be well received though and I can understand that hence my quandry. :confused:

 

Would you be prepared to care for this child long term? IDK, for the child's sake I almost have to be blunt and state as you did, "We are willing and able to care for the child while you get back on your feet." or something to that extent. My father ended up being raised by his grandmother because his mother was in no condition to be a parent, best thing that ever happened to him.

 

Then I'd make sure I had taken the legal channels to insure it was properly documented.

[StartingOver]

If the situation is that bad, I would think of the child first. I would offer to take the baby. If she is unwilling I would offer to take her and the baby in no matter what the difficulties, on the condition that you will help her get settled and get services. That you will assist her in any way you can. I would put her on a housing list, get food stamps, welfare, WIC. Anything that might help for now. Then I would insist that she work towards being able to take care of her child. I would offer to babysit if she returned to school, whether that would be for a GED, then training or college.

 

I am going through something sort of similair with my daughter right now. HUGS !

[*********]

Well, no that is part of the problem. She and her mother have made comments that she has no where to go and that she doesn't know what she is going to do and my son did ask me to take them in but no one has broached the subject of just the baby staying for awhile. I don't know how to bring it up diplomatically but I do want her to know that she does have this option as a last case scenario. I can see where it might now be well received though and I can understand that hence my quandry. :confused:

 

Kidshappen, that's hard. I can see that you don't want her to feel like you're saying 'the baby's welcome, but you're not'. I mean, I'm sure you'd welcome the girl to your home; but that's different than inviting her to live there, hunh.

 

Maybe come at it from the 'there's only room for the baby' angle. I mean, if you really don't have room for the mother, than you don't. Baby wouldn't take much room, you know?

[QueenCat]

I would caution against your taking the baby without some legal doc. It could happen that she might come back later (under some poor influence) to sue you for kidnapping or some other crazy nonsense. Not trying to be a rain cloud..I've just worked with enough folks that don't have enough to see how desperate things can get.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: Have legal documentation, even a simple power of attorney, showing you are allowed to have the child in your custody!

[Danestress]

Leave one of the older children in charge of the house?

 

I would want to talk to her in person, and I would want to tell her that anytime she needs help, I will babysit the child for as long or as short of a period as she needs and that she can call me anytime for help. But I would want to say that in person - saying it through a husband just doesn't seem as likely to build trust. This girl may not feel that she really knows you, and just because you are a grandmother doesn't mean she is going to trust you to take her baby. That's something that has to build over time, and probably the more positive, encouraging, friendly contact you have with her, the better.

 

She may be avoiding getting help because she's afraid to be involved with "the system." She may not want to go to the WIC office and apply for help and then, when she is asked for her address, have to say, "Well, I don't really have anywhere to live." She may be afraid that that will lead to social services getting involved.

 

Maybe you could help her find a resources that will help her get a decent place to live so that she can get that aid in place and not have to worry that being poor will mean she will not be able to raise her own daughter. Surely there must be come sort of emergency shelter or something that will take a woman and a baby and not separate them. She must be very scared and exhausted right now.

[LibraryLover]

Wow! that's tough! I don't think I would take the baby and not the mother. She is looking for some to enable her to be irresponsible.

 

Although she alread is. I mean why isn't she getting WIC?

 

How old is she? Has she considered foster care for her and the baby together? You taking the baby helps her to not resposinsibility. I know mother/offspring foster care is an option here, as I have considered that. (Although I know realistically I couldn't manage it).

 

There are also a couple of programs here where the mother and baby can live together in a supervised group home -type setting, witht heir own shared room go to school, get job training etc. There are no age limits on the mother, and I know there is one that will allow a girl to stay until age 21 (until she finishes college or training). Nobody ever stays that long, of course, because it's constricting. No boyfriends over night, and rules about when you have to be in , and you have to school or job training or you're out. It's too much for some. But it could be a place for a few months to get her act together and get on housing lists, WIC etc.

 

Are their family shelters near you that might take them? They could also hook her up with WIC, housing wait list etc.

 

Finding them a placement together is going to be better for you and the mother in the long run. If you take the baby she has little incentive to get it together for the baby. and then you are raising a baby who is going to eventurally need more than a basket by your bed. Don't you also take care of your grandson? That's a lot for a person.

Edited January 23, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Scarlett]

There is no other way to say it. You just have to say it. Don't dwell too much on the fact that you think she is a bad influence on your kids....just say, "I can take the baby and care for him/her? until you have a chance to get a job and get on your feet." Make sure you get legal documents signed. And be prepared for the baby to be left with you permanently.

 

(((hugs to you all)))))

[Caribbean Queen]

The problem is I am not exactly sure how to say to them that I will gladly take in the baby for you until you can get on your feet but I am sorry, I can't home you.

 

I didn't read the other responses.

 

I bet if she goes to a shelter they can assist her on how to get on welfare.

 

If you are willing to take the baby whenever, you might say, "If you ever want to leave the baby with me for a while, she is welcome." She'll probably be glad to have the offer. Just be prepared for her to leave the baby with you for any length of time and come take the baby from you at any time.

 

If you really want to raise the baby I think you should offer that too. If she is not interested, don't press it, but maybe she will want you to. In that case you can talk about her signing away parental rights, or whatever she has to do.

[Scarlett]

She is looking for some to enable her to be irresponsible.

 

 

I don't get the feeling she has it together enough to be looking for anything. She just is irresponsible. The baby is paying the price. If I was this child's grandparent I would be offering to take the baby in NOW.

[Starr]

I would also try and keep track of them. You might need to report her if she doesn't care properly for the baby.:(

[Liz CA]

Just my thoughts on this: This girl could still become your legal daughter-in-law. I would want to step carefully. Perhaps, suggesting that you and your dh care for the baby but that she has to come to your area, apply for assistance, find some kind of housing arrangement (without a baby, she can perhaps room with others, or someone at a church is willing to consider taking in a renter), and I would say I expect her to come by and interact with her child. She will need to find some kind of employment or take advantage of some rehab program (available here in CA - don't know about your area) where young people get trained for jobs, i.e receptionists, waitress, sales associate, etc.

In my mind this offers the advantage that mother and child won't be strangers down the road and you get to know her better. "Coming by" does not mean staying overnight. During those visits she would get a good dose of healthy examples and this could be exactly what she needs.

When your ds comes back and they can make decisions regarding their lives, you will not have alienated the mother of your granddaughter but assisted her.

Edited January 22, 2010 by Liz CA

[LibraryLover]

I don't get the feeling she has it together enough to be looking for anything. She just is irresponsible. The baby is paying the price. If I was this child's grandparent I would be offering to take the baby in NOW.

 

 

My post was about a heck of a lot more than this one short sentence!

 

This girl (woman? ) is the baby's mother, & getting them into some place together could be helpful. DSS is always going to try the route of reunifircation anyway, so maybe just start there, *if* it's possible. Is the mother young enough herself for foster care? Does she need rehab?

 

What is the goal? Respite care? kin adoption? Is there a way to help get her on her feet without years of foster care and reunification goals?

[KidsHappen]

Don't you also take care of your grandson? That's a lot for a person.

 

 

 

No, my dd is a SAHM. Grandson is well cared for although somewhat spoiled (through no fault of my own - :001_smile:)

[KidsHappen]

There does seem to be some reluctance on both her and her mother's part to get involved in the system. It's not that she doesn't want to take care of the baby but more than she really just doesn't know how. She is an adult (about my son's age) but she is just overwhelmed.

 

My hope would be that if I did take the baby in she would be able to go back to work (she did have a job before) and get back on her feet so that once my son got out of jail they could resume caring for the child. To tell you the truth, I am not quite sure why her mother wouldn't just do this instead. Her mom does work but it seems like they should be able to juggle schedules so that someone could care for the baby at all times. These people don't know me. I am basically a stranger to them. I have never met them and only learned about them in Oct. So they haven't been totally open with me regarding the situation and I can't talk to my son so I know I am not getting the whole story which mankes it really hard to help. Plus, I am just a worry wart by nature.

Edited January 23, 2010 by KidsHappen

[Terabith]

How long will your son be in jail?

[Chris in VA]

Kids, just wanted to say I'm thinking of you today.

 

I echo others who say to get some legal support. I'd be doing everything in person, and taking hubby with you is an excellent idea.

 

I know all about enabling behaviour, but I think I'd be tempted to take this girl by the hand and walk her thru the process of getting help. Find out about it all, then physically get her set up either in a group home, or just getting WIC or whatever. If you can take the baby, great--and legally doing it is better.

 

I'm so sorry she's made such poor decisions.

[Scarlett]

My post was about a heck of a lot more than this one short sentence!

 

This girl (woman? ) is the baby's mother, & getting them into some place together could be helpful. DSS is always going to try the route of reunifircation anyway, so maybe just start there, *if* it's possible. Is the mother young enough herself for foster care? Does she need rehab?

 

What is the goal? Respite care? kin adoption? Is there a way to help get her on her feet without years of foster care and reunification goals?

 

Well.....yes it was. :D I replied to the part I wanted to reply to. Sorry that I rubbed you the wrong way.

 

I am sure there are all kinds of solutions to this problem...but I think it is an emergency situation that requires emergency measures. I would be driving to where this girl is and doing everything in my power to care for this baby NOW. Other avenues can be explored tomorrow, next week, next month and when the baby's father gets out of jail. If the girl wants to be a good mother she can learn. If not then I hope KidsHappens will take on the child as her own. MHO.

[KidsHappen]

How long will your son be in jail?

 

He is due to get out of jail in AL on the 20th of Feb. but then they will hold him for 72 hours to allow TN to extradite. I have no idea if TN will do that and if so what kind of jail time we are looking a here but it could potentially be quite awhile. The thing that irritates the heck out of me is that he could have served his time while she was pregnant, before the baby was born and been out of jail there in time to be at the birth. I guess he thought if he put it off he was going to magically find a get out of jail free card. :confused:

[KidsHappen]

Kids, just wanted to say I'm thinking of you today.

 

I echo others who say to get some legal support. I'd be doing everything in person, and taking hubby with you is an excellent idea.

 

I know all about enabling behaviour, but I think I'd be tempted to take this girl by the hand and walk her thru the process of getting help. Find out about it all, then physically get her set up either in a group home, or just getting WIC or whatever. If you can take the baby, great--and legally doing it is better.

 

I'm so sorry she's made such poor decisions.

 

 

 

Thanks Chris.

[KidsHappen]

Does she just need someone to take her to the state office and help her get signed up for welfare and WIC and public housing?

 

Yes, I think so. I know she had WIC while she was pregnant and that she has had WIC and welfare appointments since the baby was born but she is not getting the services she needs and I can't really figure out why not. I have asked both her and her mother if she has a caseworker or at least the name and phone number of someone who is processing her paperwork and they have said no. I have explained that if she got a case worker then they could help her get all the services she needs and is elgible for but there seems to be a brick wall there somewhere and I am not sure why.

 

I do know that she gave the baby our last name, listed my son as the father and told the state that she is living with him so it is possible that they are not providing services based on that info. When I press them for more info I get, "Well, we don't know." We haven't talked to anyone or we had to mail some paperwork or something. I do know that she was also previously in trouble with the law so perhaps she still is and that is why she doesn't want the system to get involved. I feel like I am not getting the whole story and since I can't talk to my son I can't get any info from him either.

 

I know just enough to be stressed out about the situation.

[Caribbean Queen]

I do know that she gave the baby our last name, listed my son as the father and told the state that she is living with him so it is possible that they are not providing services based on that info.

 

 

Unless they are legally married, or your son filled out paperwork to give the baby his last name, the baby has her last name. A woman can't just claim her baby's father is Bill Gates and put the baby's last name as "Gates." Perhaps your son notarized the paperwork from jail and mailed it to her? Someone I know in real life has a baby's daddy in jail, so I am aware of these things.

[peachskittles]

Unless they are legally married, or your son filled out paperwork to give the baby his last name, the baby has her last name. A woman can't just claim her baby's father is Bill Gates and put the baby's last name as "Gates." Perhaps your son notarized the paperwork from jail and mailed it to her? Someone I know in real life has a baby's daddy in jail, so I am aware of these things.

 

OK on the last name thing, it differs from hospital to hospital, state to state. In Indiana my SO is listed on his son's birth certificate but he has my last name. In Iowa, on the other hand, he is NOT on the birth certificate (we messed up the paternity affidavit), but my son has his father's last name. The lady in the hospital here said you can give your child whatever name you want. Now for him to be on the birth certificate he has to sign a paternity affidavit (unless being locked up has different rules) but she could have really used his last name for the baby. Also, I'm just assuming the state she is in uses paternity affidavits as well. If they don't then it is completely possible she put him on the birth certificate as the father and the baby has his father's last name.

 

As for the situation at hand, I don't have any real good advice. I'd definetely keep an eye on her, where she goes, what she does, just in case the state does get involved. My mother took my cousins 3 children until she got on her feet. She made sure that my cousin had a relationship with her kids, even if mom wasn't living with them. And most definetely, get some legal assistance. I got burned because I thought I didn't need legal assistance. Better safe than sorry.

[Danestress]

Unless they are legally married, or your son filled out paperwork to give the baby his last name, the baby has her last name. A woman can't just claim her baby's father is Bill Gates and put the baby's last name as "Gates." Perhaps your son notarized the paperwork from jail and mailed it to her? Someone I know in real life has a baby's daddy in jail, so I am aware of these things.

 

In most states in the United States, parents (or a parent) can put any name they want on a birth certificate for first, middle or last name. In many states, an unmarried mother can not include a man as the father on a birth certificate without an affidavit acknowledging paternity from him. So you are right that I can't put "Bill Gates" as the father on my child's birth certificate in most states. However, if I want to give my child the last name of "Gates" I can certainly do that on his birth certificate, even if my name is 'Smith' and the purported father is 'Jones.'

[KidsHappen]

Unless they are legally married, or your son filled out paperwork to give the baby his last name, the baby has her last name. A woman can't just claim her baby's father is Bill Gates and put the baby's last name as "Gates." Perhaps your son notarized the paperwork from jail and mailed it to her? Someone I know in real life has a baby's daddy in jail, so I am aware of these things.

 

This is not true in every state. My brother has lived with the same woman for 15 years and he is listed as the father on all of their children's BCs but only some of the children have his last name. He did not fill out any paternity paperwork. I was there for when they filled out one of the BCs and he was not. They just wrote down whatever she said.

 

I have it on pretty good authority that he is in fact listed as the father and the baby has his last name. I got a copy of the newspaper notice and the BC. Of course, I don't have any problem with this as I am pretty sure he is the father since the baby looks like us. I just don't understand why she said she was living with him when she quite obviously is not and that effects her ability to receive help.

[kalanamak]

Would you be prepared to care for this child long term? IDK, for the child's sake I almost have to be blunt and state as you did, "We are willing and able to care for the child while you get back on your feet." or something to that extent. My father ended up being raised by his grandmother because his mother was in no condition to be a parent, best thing that ever happened to him.

 

Then I'd make sure I had taken the legal channels to insure it was properly documented.

 

:iagree:Surely anyone could see how crowded your house must be!

[Sonshine]

This may be too much but I thought I'd mention another scenario.You could invite both mother and baby to stay with you until your son is out of jail.

Of course, go over any household rules with her before she agrees - no smoking, drug use, illegal behavior, etc., She comes. Two things might happen - (1) She sees firsthand what an intact good family you are and when she gets wanderlust and she leaves the baby with you because she knows it will better off with you or (2)She breaks the rules, you kick her out (hence ending any influence she has over your children) she either takes the baby with her or leaves her. She takes the baby with her, you call CPS and let them know she is rasing a baby while drunk, on drugs, etc, And they give you the baby as the only non-criminal next of kin that the baby is already bonded with.

[Sonshine]

Sorry - my computer was acting up and I couldn't add a few things to my last post. She may also see your family's lifestyle and change her life, thus becoming the kind of mother you want your grandchild to have. If you do end up taking her in I would be very strict about any serious rule breaking and kick her out immediately if that happens. I know you don't want her to be a bad influence on your children and to have her straighten up and come back time after time and then mess up again. However even in a few days she will see how different your family is from hers, know you'all better, and be more inclined to give you the baby if she can't take care of it. You may want to make the offer just to take the baby - if she agrees great. If not, you could think about my suggestion. You could make it for a set time limit - 1 week, whatever while she finds other living arrangements. You can always extend that if you want to.

 

I don't know how CPS works in your state - in our state they supposedly give the baby to the next of kin if they are responsible and want the child and also to caretakers the child has already bonded with. With her background I would be surprised if CPS doesn't get involved at some point. Even if you end up not having her or the baby stay with you'all it should work in your favor later if CPS gets involved and you want the baby, for you to have regular visits with the baby and also that you are taking her supplies for the baby.

[Caribbean Queen]

I noticed that the OP's location is supposed to be TN. I was nerdy enough to look up the law. Here is a link and a quote.

 

http://tennessee.gov/tccy/tnchild/68/68-3-305.htm

 

b) (1) If the mother was not married at the time of either conception or birth or between conception and birth, the name of the father shall not be entered on the certificate of birth and all information pertaining to the father shall be omitted, and the surname of the child shall be that of either:

(A) The surname of the mother;

(B) The mother's maiden surname; or

© Any combination of the surnames listed in subdivisions (b)(1)(A) and (b)(1)(B).

(2) (A) If an original, sworn acknowledgment signed by both the mother and the biological father of a child, on a form provided by the state registrar or the department of human services, is submitted to the office of vital records at any time prior to the child's nineteenth birthday, the legal surname of the father may be entered on the certificate as that of the child, and the father's name and other personal information may be entered in the spaces provided on the birth certificate, notwithstanding the absence of a marriage relationship between the parents of the child.

(B) The acknowledgment form shall be in the form of an affidavit, shall contain the social security numbers of the mother and father of the child and shall be approved by the state registrar and the department of human services. The state registrar and the department of human services shall modify the form to comply with the minimum regulations for the form, which are finalized by the secretary of health and human services. An acknowledgment executed in conformity with this section shall be valid as long as it is executed on a form approved by the state registrar and the department of human services. A voluntary acknowledgment of paternity may be completed by a minor, if a parent or legal guardian of the minor is present and consents at the time of completion of the acknowledgment.

[Impish]

I guess I'm the only one, but I think offering to take this young woman's baby in, and not her, is just plain wrong. If you don't have room for both of them, then I wouldn't offer to take in the baby. Sorry, but separating Mom from Baby should only happen in the cases where either Mom has relinquished, or Social Services has had to step in out of safety concerns. If you have those concerns, then contact FCS. If you don't, then an offer to babysit now and again is reasonable, but not inviting the baby to live with you.

 

The thought occurs to me, since they aren't giving you info, other than that they're broke, perhaps they're expecting/hoping that you'll cough up the child support your son would be paying if he wasn't in jail?

 

Sounds like a terribly confusing situation. Poor baby.

[KidsHappen]

I noticed that the OP's location is supposed to be TN. I was nerdy enough to look up the law. Here is a link and a quote.

 

They live in AL. Do you happen to have a link to AL law? I hadn't even thought to question it before because well, no one is contesting the paternity but now I am curious. It does seem kind of odd that you can just list any old person as father.

[Garga]

This is going to sound horribly harsh, but let's look at it from another angle.

 

If an older woman you barely know, who has a son in jail, came up to you and said basically, "I can take in your baby, but not you," wouldn't you be wary and suspicious?

 

Won't she be thinking, "Why should I give my child to a woman whose own child is in jail?"

 

Not that I'm thinking that! I'm honestly not!! But won't she think that way?

 

I believe that the only way to help her is to get to know her and let her get to know you. Then she can decide if she trusts you. You're a virtual stranger to her. How could she possibly hand her child over to a virtual stranger? But if you get to know her and show her that you are harmless and genuine in your desire to help, then she may be able to accept your offer.

[peachskittles]

They live in AL. Do you happen to have a link to AL law? I hadn't even thought to question it before because well, no one is contesting the paternity but now I am curious. It does seem kind of odd that you can just list any old person as father.

 

http://www.adph.org/vitalrecords/assets/VitalStatsRules.pdf

 

420-7-1-.04 Name of Child for Registration of Birth

(1) The parent(s) may give a child any name they wish for registration of

birth. The surname of the child does not have to be the surname of either parent.

(2) The name entered on the birth certificate shall contain only English

alphabetic characters, hyphens, and apostrophes. Other characters including numbers,

periods, symbols, or non-English alphabetic characters may not be used.

 

Author:

Dorothy Harshbarger

Statutory Authority:

Code of Alabama, 1975, §22-9A-2, §22-9A-6, §22-9A-7.

History:

Repealed and Replaced: Filed June 20, 2007; effective July 25, 2007.

 

420-7-1-.05 Names of Parents for Registration of Birth

(1) Name of the Mother. The name of the woman who gives birth to the

infant shall be entered for birth registration as the mother of the child unless an order

from a court of competent jurisdiction issued prior to the birth determines otherwise.

(2) Name of the Father.

(a) Mother married either at time of conception or birth or between

conception and birth:

1. As required in Code of Alabama 1975, § 22-9A-7(f), the name of the

mother’s husband shall be entered as the father of the child unless an order from a court

of competent jurisdiction has been issued prior to birth stating that a man other than the

mother’s husband is the father of the child.

2. If the mother indicates that her husband is not the father of the child and

refuses to provide information about her husband to be entered for birth registration, a

notation shall be entered indicating that the mother refused to provide the required

information.

(b) Mother is not married at the time of either conception or birth or between

conception and birth:

1. As required in Code of Alabama 1975, § 22-9A-7(f), the name of the

father shall not be entered for birth registration unless the father has been legally

established prior to birth through an order from a court of competent jurisdiction or has

been established by other legal means such as but not limited to, an Affidavit of Paternity

as provided in Code of Alabama 1975, § 26-17-22.

2. If the father of the child has been legally established prior to birth through

an order from a court of competent jurisdiction or has been established by other legal

8

means such as but not limited to, an Affidavit of Paternity as provided in Code of

Alabama 1975, § 26-17-22,

(a) The father’s name may be entered for birth registration.

(b) The Affidavit of Paternity or other legal documents must be sent to the

Center for Health Statistics for filing.

Author:

Dorothy Harshbarger

Statutory Authority:

Code of Alabama, 1975, §22-9A-2, §22-9A-7, §26-17-22.

History: Repealed and Replaced: Filed June 20, 2007; effective July 25, 2007.

 

[EthiopianFood]

I guess I'm the only one, but I think offering to take this young woman's baby in, and not her, is just plain wrong. If you don't have room for both of them, then I wouldn't offer to take in the baby. Sorry, but separating Mom from Baby should only happen in the cases where either Mom has relinquished, or Social Services has had to step in out of safety concerns. If you have those concerns, then contact FCS. If you don't, then an offer to babysit now and again is reasonable, but not inviting the baby to live with you.

Sounds like a terribly confusing situation. Poor baby.

 

 

I pretty much agree here. I'm not sure why you wouldn't want to offer to take her down to the county office and help her sign up for services. If she declines, then go from there. Maybe you could offer to babysit while she is at work. There also isn't any way to know how crappy her own mom is, and while this woman is clearly old enough that she should be able to be responsible and independent, she may be very affected by an unsupportive mother. Codependency has amazing powers sometimes! Not to make excuses, just to present another possible side of things.

[Scarlett]

I guess things have changed a lot in 45 years. I was born out of wedlock to a single mother in UT. My bio dad's name is listed on the bc and I was given his last name. He didn't know I had actually been born until I was 7.

 

But anyway, I am so sad about these things. Makes me wish I could take the baby myself. Heck I'd nearly take in the mom AND baby....I have an only child and no husband....How far IS she from AR anyway. ?

[KidsHappen]

I pretty much agree here. I'm not sure why you wouldn't want to offer to take her down to the county office and help her sign up for services. If she declines, then go from there. Maybe you could offer to babysit while she is at work. There also isn't any way to know how crappy her own mom is, and while this woman is clearly old enough that she should be able to be responsible and independent, she may be very affected by an unsupportive mother. Codependency has amazing powers sometimes! Not to make excuses, just to present another possible side of things.

 

I just wanted to clarify that they live in a different state than we do. I can't just pop over to take her somewhere or babysit or help her get state services. The only contact I have had with them at all is talking to the mother on the phone well and indirectly to the dd through the mother.

Edited January 23, 2010 by KidsHappen

[KidsHappen]

I guess I'm the only one, but I think offering to take this young woman's baby in, and not her, is just plain wrong. If you don't have room for both of them, then I wouldn't offer to take in the baby. Sorry, but separating Mom from Baby should only happen in the cases where either Mom has relinquished, or Social Services has had to step in out of safety concerns. If you have those concerns, then contact FCS. If you don't, then an offer to babysit now and again is reasonable, but not inviting the baby to live with you.

 

The thought occurs to me, since they aren't giving you info, other than that they're broke, perhaps they're expecting/hoping that you'll cough up the child support your son would be paying if he wasn't in jail?

 

Sounds like a terribly confusing situation. Poor baby.

 

Imp,

 

I certainly don't want to take her baby away from her. It would actually but a bit of a hardship for me to take in a baby but I would do it if the alternative was the child being homeless, hungry or going without other needs. I do get the feeling that they want some kind of help but I don't know exactly what. My son did ask if she could come here before he went to jail and I told him no and why. I don't know what he told them. It just seemed odd to me that the mother told me the dd had to leave there. I don't know if she was hoping I would say they could come here? In any case, I can't take in the mother but I would not leave the baby homeless. Since I can't communicate through my son right now and I am not really getting a lot of info from the mom, I am just trying to figure out the best way to let them know what help I can provide.

[EthiopianFood]

I just wanted to clarify that they live in a different state than we do. I can't just pop over to take her somewhere or babysit or help her get state services. The only contact I have had with them at all is talking to the mother on the phone.

 

Sorry, I barely caught that before but didn't make the connection. Maybe call her however often, to try to build a relationship with her in some way. I think you might have a better feel then of what she needs. This whole situation is just so unfortunate for all involved. :(

[Scarlett]

Sorry, I barely caught that before but didn't make the connection. Maybe call her however often, to try to build a relationship with her in some way. I think you might have a better feel then of what she needs. This whole situation is just so unfortunate for all involved. :(

 

You might have missed the part where the girl and baby are being booted out of girl's mom's rental with in days. This is an emergency situation. IMO.

[LibraryLover]

WOuld the mother be homeless if you took the baby? If they are homelss, they can go together to a family shelter.

 

How old is the mother?

[EthiopianFood]

You might have missed the part where the girl and baby are being booted out of girl's mom's rental with in days. This is an emergency situation. IMO.

 

 

I never learn not to post when I'm tired, do I? :glare: I guess I was replying based on how the post made me FEEL. I don't think anyone should assume the baby will be better off with Grandma, and for whatever reason, this was the IMPRESSION I was getting from the OP. I may have just been reading into things. I apologize if that is what happened.

 

Here's my opinion, hopefully it's relevant and I can just leave the thread. :tongue_smilie: You're not close to this person, so it's going to be weird no matter what. I've actually been in a situation where I felt the need to offer to take a child, and while they didn't agree, *I* felt better knowing it was on the table. Just be direct, as a few PPs have said. Whether she agrees or not, do your best to stay in contact with her, to try and have some sort of relationship with her, both for her sake and the sake of the child.

[KidsHappen]

WOuld the mother be homeless if you took the baby? If they are homelss, they can go together to a family shelter.

 

How old is the mother?

 

I just checked my notes. She is 20. I will mention a shelter. The thought didn't occur to me previously so I didn't bring that up when I was talking to her mom. I don't really understand why she has to leave her mom's place. Best I can tell, there is some kind of bad blood between the dd and the landlord. I am getting all info second or third hand.

 

Now that I am thinking about it, I remember that when my son first called he said they were living in a mobile home owned by the mom (the one with the mold on the walls). My son said that they closed off that room and fixed it. I am assuming that the mom must still own the mobile home. Maybe the dd just came to stay with the mom while she had the baby and then she is going back to the mobile home? I obviously need to call and ask some more questions. :confused:

[KidsHappen]

I never learn not to post when I'm tired, do I? :glare: I guess I was replying based on how the post made me FEEL. I don't think anyone should assume the baby will be better off with Grandma, and for whatever reason, this was the IMPRESSION I was getting from the OP. I may have just been reading into things. I apologize if that is what happened.

 

Here's my opinion, hopefully it's relevant and I can just leave the thread. :tongue_smilie: You're not close to this person, so it's going to be weird no matter what. I've actually been in a situation where I felt the need to offer to take a child, and while they didn't agree, *I* felt better knowing it was on the table. Just be direct, as a few PPs have said. Whether she agrees or not, do your best to stay in contact with her, to try and have some sort of relationship with her, both for her sake and the sake of the child.

 

Well, I don't neccessarily feel that the baby would be better off with me no matter what. I am trying to provide whatever help I can from here. I do feel morally bound to home the child should the need arise and I just want her to know that it is an option shoould the need be. I know that relaying that info will be akward so I am just trying to figure out the best way to go about it. I am not a people person in the best of circumstances so I could use whatever help I can get.

[EthiopianFood]

I am not a people person in the best of circumstances so I could use whatever help I can get.

 

If you knew how often I am in this situation, you would laugh. Another piece of advice that I can give from experience is that, sometimes you can do everything right, but the other person still overreacts or is offended. However you do it, be prepared for a defensive response, just in case. It doesn't mean you did something wrong.

[kalanamak]

I obviously need to call and ask some more questions. :confused:

 

Can you communicate with her through your son?