S/O Santa or No Santa - what would you do?

[Sherry in OH]

My almost 4 year old son does not want Santa to come to his house. The idea that a stranger would come into his house while he is sleeping really bothers him. My husband and I have repeatedly told him that Santa will not come if he does not want Santa to come. We have never stressed the Santa aspect of Christmas. We read few stories about Santa and have not watched any Christmas movies. Gifts under the tree are from family members. We have followed my family’s tradition of Santa filling stockings. (In my Husband’s family all gifts were from Santa.)

At this point telling son that Santa is pretend is not an option. Through December 23rd, son will be attending daycare. (Husband and I decided for other reasons that it would be best for me to stay home with the children. I have given notice, but must work until late December.) I have spoken with son’s teachers regarding his fear of Santa. They said that other than singing Christmas songs, they have not discussed Santa. They requested that we not tell him Santa is pretend as long as son is attending the daycare. They say it would devastate the other children if he told them Santa was not real. Also, MIL is adamant that Santa brings gifts. Last year she marked all gifts from her as being from Santa. Husband will not stand up to his mother. I do not want son to be in the middle of a battle. And of course, we have small friends and relatives who do believe Santa will visit them.

I am considering asking one of husband’s friends to pretend to be Santa via telephone. Friend could then reassure son that Santa only visits children who want to see him. Would this work or make things worse? Our other son is younger, so what we do will also impact him.

[babysparkler]

What about having "Santa" leave the gifts in the garage or back yard this year? Or at Grandma's house?

[swellmomma]

Hmm tough one. I think since you can not tell him the truth until the 23rd for now could you let him know that mommy and daddy will not let any strangers come into to the house alone when he is sleeping? I have never dealt with the issue you are having so don't have a lot of help to give.

[babysparkler]

My kids don't do Santa, but my nephews do and we spend Christmas day with the family. It has never been an issue, because I tell our kids that the cousins believe in Santa and that we should respect that and keep the truth a secret until uncle and aunt tell them. My kids are the same age and it never once has become an issue. Even at age 3-4 they were able to "play along" for their cousins' sake. I don't see why you couldn't tell him the truth and have him "play along" while at daycare.

[stripe]

I definitely don't think you should be doing things that traumatize your son. I can completely understand why Santa creeps him out. If your mother in law wants to talk about Santa, she can have "Santa" come down her chimney, not yours.

[Ravin]

I would probably suggest to him that Santa could deliver his gifts to grandma's (MIL)'s house and she'll bring them over later in the day. Since MIL will probably be Santa anyway.

[Brenda in FL]

My kids don't do Santa, but my nephews do and we spend Christmas day with the family. It has never been an issue, because I tell our kids that the cousins believe in Santa and that we should respect that and keep the truth a secret until uncle and aunt tell them. My kids are the same age and it never once has become an issue. Even at age 3-4 they were able to "play along" for their cousins' sake. I don't see why you couldn't tell him the truth and have him "play along" while at daycare.

 

This has been our experience as well. As far as I know none of my 3 kids have spoiled the Santa secret for any of their friends or cousins. In fact, we are dealing with a little of the opposite - my youngest decided last year that Santa is real and that Mommy and Daddy are wrong!! (It may have been the year we spent Christmas with the 8 cousins and the SILs and BILs really know how to make it look convincing that Santa AND his reindeer really did come to the house that night!!)

[Chris in VA]

Well, even tho I think you could tell him about St. Nicholas and how Santa "came from him," you do run the risk of him telling. THat's what happened with my son, now 18! I was working at a cooperative preschool, where the parents work one day a month, and ds got Santa and St. Nick confused, and told a kid (whose parent happened to be there that day) that Santa was dead! Oh boy.

 

I'd tell him the truth with one of the many books about ST. Nicholas, and tell him some grown-ups like to keep the spirit of St. Nick alive, and so play pretend about Santa, but that it's up to parents to share that it is just pretend.

 

Then, I'd share with your mother-in-law how you are handling Santa at your house. Stand up to her. So what if she's mad or disappointed--he's your kid, and you get to decide. If she is put out and says you've robbed her of Christmas Joy, ask her why having a Holy God come down to earth as a baby is not miracle enough for her.

[Jennifer in MI]

My dd was this same way last year. So, dh "met" Santa at our front door and he dropped off the gifts and we put them in the stockings for Santa.

 

This year she is TOTALLY excited about Santa coming and filling her stocking. So, a lot can change in a year!!

[Julie in Monterey]

I would let him know that Santa is perfectly fine leaving a stocking and a gift (or not) outside. In fact, I'm sure his reindeers might appreciate a little food sprinkled out on the ground near the door (we sprinkle a bit of oatmeal with glitter on the ground for the reindeer). Perhaps a few carrots as well and a glass of milk for Santa. Last year we had to have our tree on the porch (long story..involves intense allergies). Nonetheless, Santa left all of our gifts under the tree outside. Have him mail a letter stating his preferences (grandma's house, outside, in the garage or no visit at all).

 

Honestly, I never had this fear as I child but as a grown up, I get how weird it might be to have a stranger supposed to be creeping throughout the house while everyone is sleeping.

 

Hope something here helps.

 

Julie in Montery

[TheCoffeeChick]

I have spoken with son’s teachers regarding his fear of Santa. They said that other than singing Christmas songs, they have not discussed Santa. They requested that we not tell him Santa is pretend as long as son is attending the daycare. They say it would devastate the other children if he told them Santa was not real.

 

 

This is hogwash! :glare: My dc have never been told that Santa was real - we do teach about St. Nicholas, though. We tell them that some kids like to pretend he is real even now and that is perfectly okay. For what it's worth, my ds attended preschool for 2 years.

 

Even if your someone does tell a preschooler that Santa is not real, they don't care. Most preschoolers will just argue with each other and then get over it, especially if it is a child who tells them he is fake. (An adult, on the other hand, has authority in children's eyes and they would probably believe one.) My ds has actually told his cousin who is a year older that Santa lived a long time ago and is not alive anymore. She just told him he was wrong and that was that. She still believes in him and ds still knows he's not real.

 

The very idea of some creepy old man stalking you, seeing you while your sleeping, knowing if you are bad, and breaking into your house is kind of scary if you stop to think about it! LOL :tongue_smilie: (Not to mention that the very idea that you have to "earn" your gifts opens up a whole other can of worms!)

 

I know this isn't popular - if fact I don't know anyone else IRL that doesn't do Santa, but you should know it is not something you'd be alone in doing if you decided to do so. I can't believe your son's teacher had the nerve to tell you that you couldn't tell him the truth!?!?

 

(If you couldn't tell, this is something that is very close to my heart! ;))

[Parrothead]

Dd had that same issue when she was about your son's age. I simply told her that I'd take care of it - no specifics of how, and she was fine with that.

 

When she woke up Christmas morning and saw the presents from Santa she wasn't bothered at all about how they got there.

[elfgivas]

in holland, on december 5th, st. nicholas comes. the children leave shoes OUTSIDE the door, and st. nicholas fills them with gifts (or coal if they've been naughty). maybe find a good book about st. nicholas, and ask him if he'd like to celebrate a dutch christmas this year. you can move the date to match the cultural norm. we still do both; the kids are thrilled :001_smile:. (i use the december 5th date to bring christmas season clothes, hair ribbons, etc. it works for us).

 

i wonder what he's seen/heard that has made him fearfull? that may be the most relevant piece to this puzzle.....

 

i understand the preschool teacher's concerns, but you know your son best. if you decide its best for him to tell him, then tell him....

 

good luck!

ann

[Stacia]

Dd had that same issue when she was about your son's age. I simply told her that I'd take care of it - no specifics of how, and she was fine with that.

 

When she woke up Christmas morning and saw the presents from Santa she wasn't bothered at all about how they got there.

 

:iagree:

 

My dd wouldn't come downstairs one Christmas morning when she was young because she thought Santa would still be there. We had to repeatedly reassure her there was nobody but us in the house. Since she didn't want Santa coming in, we asked her if it was ok if Rudolph left something instead & she was fine w/ that.

[Garga]

My son went to preschool for 3 years. He knew all along there was no Santa. We told him that other people love to pretend there is a Santa and he shouldn't tell anyone there isn't a Santa. We told him that it wasn't nice to mess up someone's pretend game.

 

I agree with the other poster who said that it's silly for you to have to wait to tell your kid about Santa because of the kids in the preschool class. If your son says there isn't a Santa, the other kids won't believe him anyway.

 

It's up to you how far you want to go to do the Santa thing. Personally, if he's creeped out by it, I'd let it go and not go to all the effort to convince him Santa's real (with the friend's phone call.) At most, just put the presents on the front porch in the morning and say Santa left them there.

[CalicoKat]

My almost 4 year old son does not want Santa to come to his house. The idea that a stranger would come into his house while he is sleeping really bothers him. My husband and I have repeatedly told him that Santa will not come if he does not want Santa to come. We have never stressed the Santa aspect of Christmas. We read few stories about Santa and have not watched any Christmas movies. Gifts under the tree are from family members. We have followed my family’s tradition of Santa filling stockings. (In my Husband’s family all gifts were from Santa.)

 

At this point telling son that Santa is pretend is not an option. Through December 23rd, son will be attending daycare. (Husband and I decided for other reasons that it would be best for me to stay home with the children. I have given notice, but must work until late December.) I have spoken with son’s teachers regarding his fear of Santa. They said that other than singing Christmas songs, they have not discussed Santa. They requested that we not tell him Santa is pretend as long as son is attending the daycare. They say it would devastate the other children if he told them Santa was not real. Also, MIL is adamant that Santa brings gifts. Last year she marked all gifts from her as being from Santa. Husband will not stand up to his mother. I do not want son to be in the middle of a battle. And of course, we have small friends and relatives who do believe Santa will visit them.

 

I am considering asking one of husband’s friends to pretend to be Santa via telephone. Friend could then reassure son that Santa only visits children who want to see him. Would this work or make things worse? Our other son is younger, so what we do will also impact him.

 

 

We told our kids that Santa was a game that family & Friends like to play. Some people play the game more than others so we're always careful when talking about Santa because we never know how much they like to play it up.

 

So far none of my 4 older kids have spoiled it for anyone else. And we love to play the Santa game together throughout the season. My mother loooves to play up Santa. One of my kids actually asked me, "Do you think Grandma doesn't know it's a game?" They play along and it's worked out well.

 

The Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, the Great Pumpkin (whatever from Peanuts), etc. were more easily understood too.

 

IMO the relationship of honesty and trust with my child is of most importance.

[AuntieM]

IMO the relationship of honesty and trust with my child is of most importance.

 

 

Hmmmm, being a loving parent to my own child versus pleasing peripheral adults in my life.... not such a tough call. Comfort your child and tell him that others like to play the "Santa Game."

 

JMO

[ChristusG]

We do Santa at our house.....however, if we chose NOT do to it, I would be telling my child the truth no matter what some daycare teacher said. That being said, if I chose to tell my child the truth about Santa, I would also instruct them that they are never to tell another child that Santa is not real. I like the explanation that it is a game.

[Greta]

They requested that we not tell him Santa is pretend as long as son is attending the daycare.

 

Okay, I'm going to be blunt. Your employer has no right to tell you how to parent. Period.

 

Your son's fears seem pretty understandable to me. I told my dd from the beginning that Santa is something that everyone enjoys playing pretend about, and we play along in the pretending. So she knew, even from a very young age, not so "spoil" it for anyone else. This really isn't that hard for kids to grasp -- they love playing imagination games! Knowing the truth has not ever taken any of the fun out of Christmas for her. So, all in all, I see no reason not to give your son the comfort he needs.

[JudoMom]

I'd tell him the truth if that's what you want to do. He's your son, you get to make the decision. Don't let your MIL or the preschool tell you how to handle it.

 

Now, if you don't want to tell him the truth for other reasons, I think you've gotten some good suggestions here.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

We always told our kids that Santa was only real to people who believed in him. Then, we gave them the choice each year whether or not they wanted to believe in him. I would literally ask, "So, what do you think? Do you believe in Santa Clause?" Sometimes they believed, sometimes not. Eventually, they caught on enough to my questions that they'd give me a grin and say something like, "Well, since I might get more presents if I believe, then YES I believe! (wink, wink)." ;)

[bbsweetpea]

My son is 4 and is the same way. He has been terrified of Santa since he was 2. He literally freaks out on Christmas Eve begging for Santa to NOT come. His older sister gets really upset because she wants Santa to come. We just have Santa leave the gifts on our front porch like the UPS guy and Daddy brings them in and puts them out. He still leaves them while the kids are sleeping.

[Pippen]

At this point telling son that Santa is pretend is not an option. Through December 23rd, son will be attending daycare. .

 

Personally I would not let daycare dictate whether you tell your son the truth or not. You are the parent and responsible for his emotional well-being. The reality is that adults are constantly telling untruths to keep the Santa story going with doubting kids and if your son does happen to blab adults will jump right in there to cover. Most kids won't buy the truth at that young age anyway. IMO, it just doesn't make sense to not tell the truth and allow your son to continue being traumatized to perpetrate a lie to the other children.

 

My youngest was absolutely terrified of Santa to the point of becoming hysterical whenever we would see one in a storefront or an inflatable while grocery shopping. Finally at age three I told him the truth because nothing was easing the hysteria and I couldn't go anywhere with him. I did find that he needed annual reminders not to spill to other kids as one day he came home from kindergarten announcing he had set the record straight to another kid.

[Erica in PA]

Hmmmm, being a loving parent to my own child versus pleasing peripheral adults in my life.... not such a tough call. Comfort your child and tell him that others like to play the "Santa Game."

 

JMO

 

:iagree:I would not cater to this request by the day care. At the same time, I don't think you have to tell him specifically that Santa is pretend. You could just assure him that Santa won't be coming to your house, and that you will give him presents on Christmas. For a not quite three year old, that should be enough explanation.

[MamaT]

I agree that you should not let the daycare dictate what you do/don't share with your child about Santa.

 

My 2nd ds was terrified of Santa and we shared with him that Santa was just pretend and for fun. For the rest of our dc after that they always knew that Santa was a legend from St. Nicholas and was not really coming to our house. We never had any trouble with them sharing with cousins or friends - they knew that others believed Santa was real and just played along.

[SBP]

I would let him know that Santa is perfectly fine leaving a stocking and a gift (or not) outside. In fact, I'm sure his reindeers might appreciate a little food sprinkled out on the ground near the door (we sprinkle a bit of oatmeal with glitter on the ground for the reindeer). Perhaps a few carrots as well and a glass of milk for Santa. Last year we had to have our tree on the porch (long story..involves intense allergies). Nonetheless, Santa left all of our gifts under the tree outside. Have him mail a letter stating his preferences (grandma's house, outside, in the garage or no visit at all).

 

Julie in Montery

 

I think this is great advice! My son had a similar fear the year he turned three. We made the mistake of telling him that Santa was going to peek in at him to make sure he was sleeping, and he was so appalled at that idea that he told us that he didn't want Santa to come and hadn't really been very good anyway! So we left a note on his door asking Santa NOT to peek in at him, and that relieved his mind enough that he was OK with him coming in the house. After that year, the fear subsided and we never heard about it again, though he never was one of those kids who wanted to go sit on Santa's lap. DD couldn't wait to see him, and DS thought the whole idea of sitting on some strange guy's lap was just awful. We never forced the issue, of course - just took DD and let her talk his ears off :).

 

Best,

 

SBP

[Sherry in OH]

Thank you for all the advice. My husband and I discussed this last evening and decided that we will continue to tell our son that Santa will not be coming to our house. Husband and son will discuss pretending in general and how much fun it can be. Husband and son will be setting the house alarm on Christmas Eve so no strangers can enter.

 

Although he has never wanted to sit on Santa’s lap, we think the fear over Santa stems from the song Santa Claus is coming to town. He has been learning the song at daycare. The daycare teacher apparently told one of the children not to pout because Santa was watching. My husband will be talking to the daycare teacher. He will request that she reassure our son that Santa is not really watching him and that Santa will not be coming to his house.

 

Our library had Gail Gibbon’s Christmas book. I will read it to both boys emphasizing the non-Santa traditions. They will be told that the gifts they find under the Christmas tree are gifts from people they know and love. We will hang stockings on Christmas Eve, if son #1 questions this, he will be told that mommy and dad will fill them with surprises.

 

The library did not have any picture books about Saint Nicholas book. I plan to buy one or two for next year.) If son continues to be stressed over the Santa issue, we will tell him Santa is a game people like to play at Christmas time. It can be fun to imagine flying reindeer and a mysterious gift-giver, but that he does not have to play the game if he does not want to. He will be told that he should not spoil the game for those who do like to play it.