Guilt Guilt Guilt (very long)

[swellmomma]

Well let's try this again I posted a very long post and the stupid board had logged me out and it was lost.

 

I have been dealing with major guilt over our family situation. Backstory: I pulled ds and dd out of ps 4 years ago when he finished grade 2 and she gr 1. The situation with the school was not good, ds was talking about suicide ebcause he felt he was too stupid, the school wanted to socially promote him even though he could not do the work depsite me telling them to hold him back. DD was not doing much better, in gr 1 she had daily detention, a suspension, and lost all of her recesses and PE classes for last last 1/3 of the year due to punishments.

 

This is our 4th year homeschooling and while I have always believed in my core that hsing was their only chance at a decent future I can't help but worry that bringing them home was the worst thing I could have done for the other kids and the family as a whole.

 

I have been homeschooling mainly because the rest of teh experts have essentially told me they have no future so why bother educating them. I was told by the prinicipal at the school ds went to for K to make him literate and leave him be he will never succeed. THe teachers for gr 1-2 at the next school flet much teh same which is why they wanted to socially promote him. His ped and shrink have said put him back in ps to give me a break, he isn't going to learn anything anyway so I may as well get the break and let the school deal with him. DD's shrink this summer said he could guarantee ds would spend most of his life in prison so why put myself through so much stress. I have not been willing to accept all of that, I see the real him come out from time to time and know he has a chance if I can get that part of him out more.

 

HOWEVER, having them hom fulltime like this has had a negative effect on the rest of us. I used to be a patient, loving mom. We used to play and hangout and bake and just be a loving family. My house used to be clean, and welcoming to others. We had issues from the beginning with ds so it is not like we had the perfect or ideal home, but it was was thousands of times better than it is now. Now I am angry/frustrated all the time. I yell almost constantly, the house is a complete disaster(mainly due to ds11 he is very destructive), even if I spent hours cleaning, ds11 destroys it in minutes (he will walk in a room and empty all the shelves/drawers/closets onto the floor, he took a knife to the mattress my dad bought me after he ruined my last one, screw drivers into the walls, fires etc). My 2 little ones have never known me as the happy loving mom I used to be and only know of me being angry and yelling and the chaos. So far dd is fine but ds6 is showing major signs of the impact on him.

 

I feel like I have no choice but to put the big kids back in ps in the fall, but feel like doing so is accepting that the "experts" have been right and washing my hands of them. That I would not be doing it out of what is best for them but what is best for me. I know that things as a whole would likely get better here if I do that, but at what cost to them?

 

I hate feeling like I have to sacrifice 2 of my kids for 2 of them to succeed. I am feeling like I did at the end of my marriage. Trapped, angry, resentful. I don't know how to get back to who I used to be. I want so desperately to be a good mom and make the right choices but all I see is mistake after mistake.

 

This is not about wanting people to coddle and say I am a good mom. This is about me taking a good look at our situation and accepting that I have made some major screw ups, especially in how I deal with my kids. I don't want to keep yelling, and cussing and being angry all the time but can't seem to stop. I never get a break and the opportunity to recharge is not there, I am lucky to get a shower. Sleep is hard to come by, ds11 is up very very late(like 1 am), doesn't sleep through the night yet and then is up early(thankfully in the winter months he sleeps till 9). If he is up I am up because otherwise he steals, or runs away, or destroys something etc.

 

I don't know what to do anymore to change things around for my family. I want to do what is best for all of my children and can't seem to figure out what that would be. Every solution seems to sacrifice 2 for the other 2. I don't know what God was thinking when he entrusted these kids to my care, because I am screwing up big time and am not strong enough to get these kids all to adulthood without major damage from my family.

 

Last week I told ds11 to put his boots in the closet. He raged and attacked me. Full out jumped on me, tackeld me and started punching and kicking. He is still small enough that I was able to restrain him and get him calmed down but he is still growing and eventually I won't be able to. I don't want my other kids exposed to this, but I can't stomach simply giving up on him and sending back to the system that gave up on him when he was only 5 years old.

 

I am dealing with constant guilt over all of this and just want some peace for my family.

[Jean in Newcastle]

First :grouphug:. Then a loving request to "stop the guilt". You did not make your ds the way he is. You did not make him worse. You are trying to work with him. And you did not set out to make things difficult for your other children.

 

Now the reality - the status quo is not good for your mental health or your physical health. It isn't good for the rest of the family. You mentioned two with problems but you talked mostly about the 11 year old. So I'm going to address the problems you mentioned with him.

 

A very good friend of mine has and is, facing all of what you are facing. Here is what she has done. We are in the US, so I don't know how much of this is available to you in Canada (you are in Canada, right?)

 

1. The public schools here have special education classrooms for children with severe behavior problems. This is the kind of classroom that he should be placed in. At this point this is for your safety and his. I would work with the schools to set up an academically appropriate IEP (or the equivalent). Be prepared though that at first there probably wouldn't be as much done academically as usually kids need time to adjust to the new routines and structure.

 

2. A residential facility for kids with his struggles. A very hard choice. But it can be beneficial both to the family and the child.

 

3. Respite care. Quite often this is covered by social services (I honestly don't know how this works.) But check into it and try very hard to get some for yourself. It would mean a trained person to come and stay with your son for a while, while you get some needed time away either by yourself or with the other kids.

[Daisy]

I'm seeing major red flags here. Personally, I think you need to go with the advice of the shrink & pedi. For his sake. For your sake. For the sake of the younger children.

 

I don't think that is giving up. I think that is reaching for resources that may save your family from imploding.

[myfunnybunch]

doing so is accepting that the "experts" have been right and washing my hands of them. That I would not be doing it out of what is best for them but what is best for me. I know that things as a whole would likely get better here if I do that, but at what cost to them?

 

You are considering taking steps that will help you become a balanced happier mom. That's not giving up, that's making a choice that is good for you and for your children.

 

I struggled with similar issues, though not to the extreme you're in, with my dd with autism. She was difficult to homeschool. We reluctantly put her in school. It's not ideal, but she is happier, I am not so tense from the daily struggle and our relationship has improved.

 

I'm not saying that's the choice for you. I am saying that making the choices that take some of the pressure and stress off you isn't just for yourself, it can also help you be that playful calm balanced momma you want to be. I think Daisy and Jean are right on the button with their suggestions.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

[Unicorn.]

First :grouphug:. Then a loving request to "stop the guilt". You did not make your ds the way he is. You did not make him worse. You are trying to work with him. And you did not set out to make things difficult for your other children.

 

Now the reality - the status quo is not good for your mental health or your physical health. It isn't good for the rest of the family. You mentioned two with problems but you talked mostly about the 11 year old. So I'm going to address the problems you mentioned with him.

 

A very good friend of mine has and is, facing all of what you are facing. Here is what she has done. We are in the US, so I don't know how much of this is available to you in Canada (you are in Canada, right?)

 

1. The public schools here have special education classrooms for children with severe behavior problems. This is the kind of classroom that he should be placed in. At this point this is for your safety and his. I would work with the schools to set up an academically appropriate IEP (or the equivalent). Be prepared though that at first there probably wouldn't be as much done academically as usually kids need time to adjust to the new routines and structure.

 

2. A residential facility for kids with his struggles. A very hard choice. But it can be beneficial both to the family and the child.

 

3. Respite care. Quite often this is covered by social services (I honestly don't know how this works.) But check into it and try very hard to get some for yourself. It would mean a trained person to come and stay with your son for a while, while you get some needed time away either by yourself or with the other kids.

 

:iagree: If the schools in Canada don't have a seperate special ed class, then I would seriously look into a residential treatment facility.

 

 

I don't think that is giving up. I think that is reaching for resources that may save your family from imploding.

 

Exactly, it's not giving up on him, or you, but what is doing what is best for everyone! :grouphug:

[Terabith]

:grouphug: Please try to drop the guilt. You have done EVERYTHING you possibly can for years. Sending a child to school is not giving up on them.

 

However, I would, for the safety of your son and other children, insist on him (and possibly your daughter?) being placed in a fairly secure classroom for children with behavioral challenges.

 

Take a look at this place. http://www.chaddock.org/ I know it's far away. They are considered one of the premiere facilities in the world for children with certain behavioral problems. They have a pretty high success rate with kids who have been written off by professionals. I think they will work with finances. They are a mission of the United Methodist church, so they are not in it for the money. I have a friend who is good friends with the chaplain there. It really is a stellar place. I would seriously consider it for your son.

Edited November 27, 2009 by Terabith

[lisabees]

First :grouphug:. Then a loving request to "stop the guilt". You did not make your ds the way he is. You did not make him worse. You are trying to work with him. And you did not set out to make things difficult for your other children.

 

Now the reality - the status quo is not good for your mental health or your physical health. It isn't good for the rest of the family. You mentioned two with problems but you talked mostly about the 11 year old. So I'm going to address the problems you mentioned with him.

 

A very good friend of mine has and is, facing all of what you are facing. Here is what she has done. We are in the US, so I don't know how much of this is available to you in Canada (you are in Canada, right?)

 

1. The public schools here have special education classrooms for children with severe behavior problems. This is the kind of classroom that he should be placed in. At this point this is for your safety and his. I would work with the schools to set up an academically appropriate IEP (or the equivalent). Be prepared though that at first there probably wouldn't be as much done academically as usually kids need time to adjust to the new routines and structure.

 

2. A residential facility for kids with his struggles. A very hard choice. But it can be beneficial both to the family and the child.

 

3. Respite care. Quite often this is covered by social services (I honestly don't know how this works.) But check into it and try very hard to get some for yourself. It would mean a trained person to come and stay with your son for a while, while you get some needed time away either by yourself or with the other kids.

 

:iagree:

 

Big hugs to you Mom.:grouphug: You and your family have been through a lot. What a heavy burden you have been carrying for a long time. And, as you already know, it's time to make a change. That is not giving in to the "experts" - that is adapting and trying to do what is best for you and your family. What a brave and scary decision you are facing. As parents, we constantly make decisions for the good of our family. That is what you did when you decided to hs and that is what you're trying to do now.

 

I agree that you need to place the 11 year old in ps or a residential facility. I hope you have close family/friends who can support you in your decision and in your search for the right place. I bet in some way your ds also feels trapped and resentful. Maybe having the structure of school will be the best thing for him and your family. Do not dwell on the guilt and negative feelings. Think of all the wonderful possibilities this may mean for all of you.

 

On Monday, start your research. Maybe the New Year can be a goal for new beginnings.

 

Best wishes to all of you. You'll be in my thoughts.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

First of all :grouphug::grouphug:. It's a tough road.

 

I have 2 special needs nephews in Alberta and their mom sometimes feels that same way - at what point is she "giving up". The rest of us see it differently. We see her being torn in too many directions and she has to use her energy where it gets the most result. If she's pouring all her energy into one child with no forward movement while the rest of them are also needing attention, it doesn't help anyone. If she burns herself out until she can't care for anyone - that really doesn't help.

 

She managed to get the system to work pretty well for her - both boys are in special schools and one will soon go into residential care (which will break her heart but it has to be done). She's found funding for in home care for the boys as well. Even then, it's tough.

 

Anyway, my point is that there might be more resources in the system than you're accessing now. And that it's important to balance the needs of all the family members - including you. And that perhaps your current load is just unmanageable and you have to make changes - but it isn't giving up.

[Impish]

I'm seeing major red flags here. Personally, I think you need to go with the advice of the shrink & pedi. For his sake. For your sake. For the sake of the younger children.

 

I don't think that is giving up. I think that is reaching for resources that may save your family from imploding.

:iagree::iagree:

Another thing to consider...FCS would likely consider your eldest to be a danger to his other sibs if he's raging and attacking you. You need to ensure the best for all the kids involved, and I agree with the posters that have suggested a residential facility. It may be the best chance your son has. That's not giving up, that's giving him the best chance he can possibly get for his future, while also ensuring the safety of the younger children.

[Diane in CO]

I agree with the above posters and do not have anything to add in regards to your situation, however I did want to offer you :grouphug: and prayers.

 

Diane

[swellmomma]

Thank you everyone, you have given me lots to think about. I will look into special ed classes. In the past we were told he was not severe enough for them(dd too but her issues are different), but he was always too severe to handle a regular classroom. THe thing that gets me about the schools is they are not willing to educate him properly, claiming he can't be, but while homeschooling he has been. He is still behind for sure, but he is learning. They just wanted to socially promote him rather than work with him. They keep saying he won't learn when he IS. It is the behaviour part that is a problem. Even that area gets murky. He has made enough progress in some behaviours for the Dr's to not settle on a Dx they change annually it seems, but in a lot of ways it is 1 step forward 2 steps back with him. He is a smart boy, but his learning issues and behaviours don't let that shine through.

 

We tried to get respite years ago and were told that because CD could not be proven to be organic in nature we did not qualify(meaning they could not prove it was not caused by the home so children with conduct disorder do not qualify). My family is not supportive, their answer is let ps deal with them all(they believe in putting kids in daycare from a young age even if mom is home f/t, putting kids in preschool from age 3 if the school will take them that young etc). My mom think ps will cure the kids. Their dad is not involved. I lost all friends because of his behaviours over the years.

 

If I can get him into a special ed class perhaps that will help him and I wouldn't feel like I was tossing him to the wolves. It would have to be for the fall, as I spent all my funding for this year and can't afford to pay it back for switching his schooling midyear.

 

Part of this whole situation too is not knowing where for sure we will be living in the fall. With the choas of the neighborhood I know it won't be here, but I don't know forsure if I am leaving the province as planned as it is based on finances. It is all just too much. I will however look into special ed classes in my city in case we just move to a different neighborhood, and in the new province in case my dream of moving there this summer comes true.

[lulubelle]

One question I have is do you feel that your 2 older kids haven't learned anything in the 4 years that you have been homeschooling them? Have you been angry and frustrated from day one of homeschooling? Was the school wrong about them?

[Anne in CA]

Has he had a brain scan to determine what sort of medication would be correct for him? I recently read Dr. Amen's book, Magnificent Mind at Any Age and the use of a brain scan might pinpoint what area of his brain is not functioning correctly and help him get his impulses under control.

 

Also, please consider Terabith's suggestion about the school. There are competent professionals out there, and I'm not sure you are working with them now. Some one who is so negative as to mentally resign a child to prison is probably not the person who really has your back. But hopefully I'm wrong.

 

I will pray for you. This must be so hard.

[swellmomma]

One question I have is do you feel that your 2 older kids haven't learned anything in the 4 years that you have been homeschooling them? Have you been angry and frustrated from day one of homeschooling? Was the school wrong about them?

 

 

They have learned tons, they are still behind in many areas but they are learning something all the time. No I have not been like this since day one. It has been progressive in the last 2 years or so. It has ALWAYS been stressfull but I was able to cope with it. About 2 years ago, I stopped working(my best friend was my boss and when i went on mat leave she fired me and ended the friendship over a rumor from a co-worker). That left me more isolated than I had been, because I no longer had a job with outside perspective(the kids came with me but in was in OSC so there was other kids and adults around), I no longer have any friends, and my family stopped babysitting because of the baby. So any of the chances I had to recharge and find myself again were gone. It was never much, but once a month for example my mom woud watch them so I could go to coffee night with other homeschoolers, getting that 3 hours once a month to talk with other adults helped a ton, now I can't even schedule a pap test without the kids present.

 

I have thought the schools and the dr's have been completely wrong. I know my kids are different than everyone else. I know my ds has a tough road ahead and will not likely have the life I first dreamed up for him when I found out I was having a boy at my U/S. But they have good qualities too when they let those shine through. DD has all of a sudden blossomed into a great little musician and is a pure natural on the piano, after only 7 weeks of lessons she has mastered 15 songs, half of those have been self taught in between lessons. She has started writing poetry and being very artisitic, these are all new to her. Both kids have suddenly become fascinated weith paper sculpter and have been using a book from the library to make dozens of animal sculptors just from an outline on a peice of computer paper. When ds lets his guard down and behaviours are gone for bit he is the sweetest little guy and so caring. He wants to save the world, but most of the time it is him we are saving it from. His behaviours are definitely cyclic in nature and seasonal too(winter months are much better for us than summer for example, he mellows out in the winter months).

 

DD has major defiance/attitude issues with her behaviours and it used to be I could cope with ds better than her, but in the last couple years as ds has approached puberty it has gotten worse. He has added anger and defiance in with the impulse issues(running away, taking food from the kitchen, raging), and now the sexual stuff(looking for porn, obsession with different girls he meets etc).

 

When he was little it was only the impulse issues and rage to deal with, I could handle that fairly easily. BUt now I am just worn out. He runs away whenever he wants to go somewhere I have said no, when he doesn't want to do something here etc. But after not knowing where he is, or if he is safe etc day in and day out I am burnt out. I had gotten to a point of being okay when he took off, and giving him the time he needed to cool down, as he always came back home. But now with the issues of drugs and gangs, and his stalker it just isn't safe for him to be out like that alone, and it worries me to death everytime.

 

There is lots of factors over the last several years that have led me to this point now, but I feel lilke this is a major crossroads moment and I can't figure out what to do.

[swellmomma]

Has he had a brain scan to determine what sort of medication would be correct for him? I recently read Dr. Amen's book, Magnificent Mind at Any Age and the use of a brain scan might pinpoint what area of his brain is not functioning correctly and help him get his impulses under control.

 

Also, please consider Terabith's suggestion about the school. There are competent professionals out there, and I'm not sure you are working with them now. Some one who is so negative as to mentally resign a child to prison is probably not the person who really has your back. But hopefully I'm wrong.

 

I will pray for you. This must be so hard.

 

 

He has had an MRI and EEG but not a scan for meds. We have been through a lot of shrinks out there but have not found the right one yet. Part of that is financial issues, we are limited by the ones the provincial health care pays for as I can not afford a private shrink. The one my ped wishes he could send us to charges close to $200 per hour.

[alpidarkomama]

His STALKER??? Get him out now, for your own safety and his! Does he have any really strong alpha-male role models?? Residential care is a very good idea - and so would boot camp-style residential care. A good dojo with a strong sensei is often helpful too, but this sounds like it's beyond that. I hope you find a path to a better way for you all.

[Terabith]

Please call the Chaddock School. They will help you with funding sources. The province might pay for it; health care and education in one place. It sounds like he needs to be in a residential treatment facility, because only in a structured, safe place will he be able to learn to control his behaviors. It's not your fault. You have done everything anyone could be expected to do, and far, far more than most would, but you need some more assistance, for the sake of your younger children and for you. And for him. Just give them a call. It can't hurt. If it can't work, it can't work, but nothing to be lost by giving them a call and finding out possibilities and options.

[Sahamamama]

Putting him in school is not failure, Brandy. It may just be the best thing you could do at this point. Do you have anyone near you who knows you and your children and your situation well enough to advise you? A pastor or a close friend? I wish I could help you more than this, but I'll be in prayer about your family. HTH. :grouphug:

Edited November 27, 2009 by Sahamamama

[Scarlett]

Your little children (Hun & Iz) need you to be rested enough to enjoy their company, your oldest daughter (Cei) needs you to control your emotions, and your oldest son (Aus) needs HELP. There, I said it. He needs outside, professional help, IMO. If he were my son, I would believe this with my whole being, and seek this help until I found it, and then I would thank God in heaven for directing my steps to the help that we needed.

 

I agree. It sounds like a very dangerous situation---one that should not be allowed to go on until next fall. Please seek help immediately. And don't feel guilty. What a tough situation you are in! :grouphug:

[lulubelle]

You are clearly in a very difficult place! I am so sorry. It does seem clear that you need someone on the outside to help you with your son. It's sounds like others that have responded have some good advice. He seems so young! I wish the best for you and all your children.

[Brigitte]

Thank you everyone, you have given me lots to think about. I will look into special ed classes. In the past we were told he was not severe enough for them(dd too but her issues are different), but he was always too severe to handle a regular classroom. THe thing that gets me about the schools is they are not willing to educate him properly, claiming he can't be, but while homeschooling he has been. He is still behind for sure, but he is learning. They just wanted to socially promote him rather than work with him. They keep saying he won't learn when he IS. It is the behaviour part that is a problem. Even that area gets murky. He has made enough progress in some behaviours for the Dr's to not settle on a Dx they change annually it seems, but in a lot of ways it is 1 step forward 2 steps back with him. He is a smart boy, but his learning issues and behaviours don't let that shine through.

 

We tried to get respite years ago and were told that because CD could not be proven to be organic in nature we did not qualify(meaning they could not prove it was not caused by the home so children with conduct disorder do not qualify). My family is not supportive, their answer is let ps deal with them all(they believe in putting kids in daycare from a young age even if mom is home f/t, putting kids in preschool from age 3 if the school will take them that young etc). My mom think ps will cure the kids. Their dad is not involved. I lost all friends because of his behaviours over the years.

 

If I can get him into a special ed class perhaps that will help him and I wouldn't feel like I was tossing him to the wolves. It would have to be for the fall, as I spent all my funding for this year and can't afford to pay it back for switching his schooling midyear.

 

Part of this whole situation too is not knowing where for sure we will be living in the fall. With the choas of the neighborhood I know it won't be here, but I don't know forsure if I am leaving the province as planned as it is based on finances. It is all just too much. I will however look into special ed classes in my city in case we just move to a different neighborhood, and in the new province in case my dream of moving there this summer comes true.

 

Honestly, when I read all this my first reaction is who cares about his education at this point. His behavior problems need to be solved before what he is or is not learning is even given a thought. You cannot wait until fall to address this. No one in your family (you, your younger children, or your son) can afford to wait.

 

Parenting is not an exact science. We all (or at least most of us) try our best to do what is right and make mistakes along the way. Don't feel guilty - just start doing something to protect your family.

[Denisemomof4]

First :grouphug:. Then a loving request to "stop the guilt". You did not make your ds the way he is. You did not make him worse. You are trying to work with him. And you did not set out to make things difficult for your other children.

 

Now the reality - the status quo is not good for your mental health or your physical health. It isn't good for the rest of the family. You mentioned two with problems but you talked mostly about the 11 year old. So I'm going to address the problems you mentioned with him.

 

A very good friend of mine has and is, facing all of what you are facing. Here is what she has done. We are in the US, so I don't know how much of this is available to you in Canada (you are in Canada, right?)

 

1. The public schools here have special education classrooms for children with severe behavior problems. This is the kind of classroom that he should be placed in. At this point this is for your safety and his. I would work with the schools to set up an academically appropriate IEP (or the equivalent). Be prepared though that at first there probably wouldn't be as much done academically as usually kids need time to adjust to the new routines and structure.

 

2. A residential facility for kids with his struggles. A very hard choice. But it can be beneficial both to the family and the child.

 

3. Respite care. Quite often this is covered by social services (I honestly don't know how this works.) But check into it and try very hard to get some for yourself. It would mean a trained person to come and stay with your son for a while, while you get some needed time away either by yourself or with the other kids.

 

:iagree: Jean has some very good advice.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I know your heart is hurting. I know your pain. I can tell you that it will be best for you AND your son if he is out of the house for school. Does he see anyone for therapy? It sounds like he needs medication. I don't say that lightly.

 

You are sacrificing the lives of at least two of your children and yourself to let him constantly destroy your home and your lives. I do hope you can get some help for your son. Does your ex help at all?

 

I'm so sorry, sweetie. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

Thank you everyone, you have given me lots to think about. I will look into special ed classes. In the past we were told he was not severe enough for them(dd too but her issues are different), but he was always too severe to handle a regular classroom. THe thing that gets me about the schools is they are not willing to educate him properly, claiming he can't be, but while homeschooling he has been. He is still behind for sure, but he is learning. They just wanted to socially promote him rather than work with him. They keep saying he won't learn when he IS. It is the behaviour part that is a problem. Even that area gets murky. He has made enough progress in some behaviours for the Dr's to not settle on a Dx they change annually it seems, but in a lot of ways it is 1 step forward 2 steps back with him. He is a smart boy, but his learning issues and behaviours don't let that shine through.

 

We tried to get respite years ago and were told that because CD could not be proven to be organic in nature we did not qualify(meaning they could not prove it was not caused by the home so children with conduct disorder do not qualify). My family is not supportive, their answer is let ps deal with them all(they believe in putting kids in daycare from a young age even if mom is home f/t, putting kids in preschool from age 3 if the school will take them that young etc). My mom think ps will cure the kids. Their dad is not involved. I lost all friends because of his behaviours over the years.

 

If I can get him into a special ed class perhaps that will help him and I wouldn't feel like I was tossing him to the wolves. It would have to be for the fall, as I spent all my funding for this year and can't afford to pay it back for switching his schooling midyear.

 

Part of this whole situation too is not knowing where for sure we will be living in the fall. With the choas of the neighborhood I know it won't be here, but I don't know forsure if I am leaving the province as planned as it is based on finances. It is all just too much. I will however look into special ed classes in my city in case we just move to a different neighborhood, and in the new province in case my dream of moving there this summer comes true.

 

now the conduct disorder dx surprises me. Has he ever been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)? When I read your post, the first thing I questioned was whether or not he was adopted. I've done TONS of research on adopted kids (I have one and she's largely healed now but it was ROUGH for awhile! Regressions happen but are triggered by major life stressors.) and every single thing you mentioned but the learning issues scream out RAD. Have you read about it yourself?

 

PLEASE do NOT feel guilty. I have a pit in my stomach just thinking about how difficult your life must be as a single mother, no supportive parents, lost friends, and a son with such troubling behaviors. I've read about it so many times now, and I'm SO SORRY this is what you're experiencing. You've done all you CAN do, but your son is making bad choices (HIS choices) and disrupting everyone else's lives. I do think residential placement would be best for everyone involved. You have a responsibility to keep everyone safe.

 

I'm so very sorry.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

He has had an MRI and EEG but not a scan for meds. We have been through a lot of shrinks out there but have not found the right one yet. Part of that is financial issues, we are limited by the ones the provincial health care pays for as I can not afford a private shrink. The one my ped wishes he could send us to charges close to $200 per hour.

 

would your insurance pay for neurofeedback? I think it could really help him.

 

After reading on more, it sounds like this is your bio son? Did he have health issues as a baby/young child? This could have caused the RAD I mentioned, too. I don't want to say anymore and don't want to speculate, and PLEASE forgive me if I've offended in any way at all. I'm truly trying to help you.

 

Again, all you've mentioned but the learning issues sound like RAD. Even the fact that he does better in the winter than the summer. Do you school during the summer? My daughter always has a harder time in the summer. Having predictable, structured days in the school year is what helps her to thrive.

 

Your SON has a stalker? Have you gotten the police involved?

[neveryoumindthere]

First of all, HUGS!

Guilt is not needed in this situation at all, action is! You *are* an awesome mom for reaching out to a community of posters and looking for other resources/ideas to help you in your situation. I commend you for that.

 

I have a different take because of my own experience. My dds were exhibiting *very* aggressive, defiant behaviour for so long. I was at my wit's end. I was struggling with my own SEVERE postpartum depression on top of it all and while researching info for my own health, I learned SO much about the links between diet and behaviour!

 

The BEST book I have read on the subject was The Mood Cure by Julia Ross. (www.moodcure.com). There is a questionnaire on there, that you can take. They have a clinic ($$$), but really, any naturopath could help with much of the same information.

 

I'm really NOT trying to simplify the problem to "just a food thing", but I am here to tell you that with correcting our nutritional deficiences with my own research and the help of a naturopath and chiropractor, I have turned my life and my 2 girls' lives around and we are COMPLETELY different people, especially related to our behaviour and brain chemistry. Traditional Chinese Medicine is another one that helped SO quick but I don't know as much about.

 

Something else to look into is EFT (emotional freedom technique) with a practitioner. Perhaps he has some emotional issues and certain things 'trigger' certain behaviours. Releasing those negative emotions from the body, may help him to relax, and let go of thigns that may have otherwise triggered negative behaviours.

 

I'm praying for you *hugs*

[swellmomma]

Thanks again everyone. To answer a few questions. He is currently medicated for his adhd but we have not found the right med yet for the aggression/impulsiveness. He is under the care of a psychaitrist and has been for years. He is not adopted, he is my biological son. He has shown signs of being "different" since 3 months of age, he was screened for autism at 6 months and again at age 9, We have had shrinks that thought he was on the specturm and ones who say he is not (his behaviour is not consistent, he loses a behaviour that made them think he was on the spectrum then gains a different one). His most current one has said she is thinking it could be childhood onset bipolar but is not willing to put that to paper yet kwim.

 

As for the stalker, yes police are involved. I have posted here before about the nonsense going on in my neighborhood, including the woman who now photographs and videotapes him everytime he goes outside, and insults/threatens him etc. The police have said as long as she stands on her own lawn she can say/do what she wants to him, and unless they catch her in the act on public property(she will stand in teh road or on the sidewalk telling him he doesn't deserve to live, that he is gay, that he is retarded etc) they can not charge her with anything. Add that to the gangs, drugs and other nefarious activities going on and it is just not safe.

 

He was preterm and went 3 days with severe apneas before they realized he wasn't getting proper oxygen. He was on theophyline for 4 months to keep him breathing(they no longer use this medication these days). At 3 months I noticed he wasn't responding to the world around him, you could bang pots by his head and he wouldn't even blink,never mind startling. He would stare off into space, no eye contact etc. When he was 5 months old and I was 4 months pg with dd my then husband came home drunk(as usual) and proceeded to throw things at me while screaming. I grabbed ds out of the playpen and ran to a neighbors home for help. A few weeks later he started smearing feces and head banging. He smeared and ate feces daily, sometimes 2-3 times a day until age 4.5. THe head banging stopped at around age 1.5 or so, around the time he started running away from me (open the dead bolt and run, take off in stores etc). That continues to this day. When he was 22 months he ended up with a fractured tibia at his dayhome, she never did get her story straight and the dr's labelled it as neglect (from what we can figure out she left ds and dd(then 11 months), outside alone on her farm while she went and made a cup of tea. He slipped climbing the ladder of the slide and snapped his tibia on the next step causing a buckle fracture, she never called us even though I worked at the hospital, and then dh worked as an EMT with the town ambulance service).

 

I left my then husband when ds was 2.5 and dd was 18 months after he hit and raped me while drunk. When I left him I went back to work and then back to school. The kids attended the daycare I had been working in while I went back to school. At age 3 because ds kept running away to come home(we lived inthe same apt's as the daycare was in) the staff tied him to a chair from the time I dropped him off until I picked him up again everyday for 2 weeks. He was a late talker so it took that long to peice it all together and figure out what they were doing to him.

 

I have tried to stay home, or work in the centres they attend to prevent anyone else hurting them. He had an MRI at age 3 because the Dr noticed uncontrolled tremors in his hand/arm. The MRI came back normal which I thought a) at least my ex didn't shake him or something to cause this and b) now things will improve because this proves he is fine. (I was very naive back then). When he was almost 6 he spent a couple weeks in the children's mental health unit for observation. They couldn't get an accurate Dx on him because his anxiety flared and he was too scared to act normally.

 

Since then we have bounced around from shrink to shrink, agency to agency trying to find help for him. Therapy hasn't happened because we got told for years he was too young, then too old (for play therapy), and now too late. Most of the medical and educational field have given up on him. Our ped has stuck by me through all these years and knows I am trying very hard to help him, but he is not supportive of homeschooling for any child, especially one like ds.

 

He has been getting medical help(albeit not to the extent I would like) his whole life, my concerns right now is his education, and life for everyone else in the family. Whether I should be sending him back to ps or continuing to homeschool him is tearing me apart.

 

ETA: over the years he has learned to respond to questions when asked directly(for years he could not do this, you would ask something like what is your name and he would be staring over your shoulder and say something like the dog is running-even if no dog was there). However he still doesn't "get it" when it comes to lots of things, jokes have to be broken down and explained, movies/tv shows are a PITA to watch with him because he can not follow a storyline on them so you spend the whole time explaining what is happening, up until a few months ago he thought the animals on wonder pets were real animals that could act and talk. He didn't get that it was fake. When he went through all the testing in ps they discovered that while he had an IQ of 109 his processing speed was very slow, in fact they said if his speed was faster he would have scored higher as he completed many questions correctly but after the time alloted for that question.

Edited November 28, 2009 by swellmomma

[Sonshine]

I second the possibility of receiving neurofeedback. Research this on the internet. You can also read reviews of books about it on Amazon. I don't know anyone IRL who has done this but have read about some pretty dramatic turn around stories, including a teen girl with criminal behavior. Maybe he could be part of a research project to receive it. You will have no cointrol over him when he's 18 and older. No one loves him like you do or can help him like you can. I would research ways to help him and try everything possible to prevent him from growing up to be a criminal or put in a mental hospital. I also agree with the idea of a SPECT scan (what Dr. Amen does) although you may not be able to afford it. Research it anyway and read reviews of his books on Amazon. You never know where God wil lead you and your son.

 

If you have to put him in school for awhile so you can help him and the rest of the family in other ways, it will pay off in the long run. You have the ability to influence his life now - make the most of it while you can. Some people 's brains are simply not structured to operate normally, and there is a strong posssiblity that something can help him - it just may be something that is not conventional medicine yet. Don't be overwhelmed at the cost of whatever you find - just keep knocking on doors until God opens the right ones for your son.

 

I have read your story on here for awhile and am impressed by you as a parent and person. You have an incredible tenacity and commitment to doing what is right as a parent in spite of overwhelming obstacles. I am proud of you. Don't give up on him - and don't feel bad for taking a different route than what you had envisioned. Maybe God wants you to focus on some other areas of his life right now than the academic area, although I bet you could afterschool him and he would still learn a lot and you would get your break.

[tex-mex]

First :grouphug:. Then a loving request to "stop the guilt". You did not make your ds the way he is. You did not make him worse. You are trying to work with him. And you did not set out to make things difficult for your other children.

 

Now the reality - the status quo is not good for your mental health or your physical health. It isn't good for the rest of the family. You mentioned two with problems but you talked mostly about the 11 year old. So I'm going to address the problems you mentioned with him.

 

A very good friend of mine has and is, facing all of what you are facing. Here is what she has done. We are in the US, so I don't know how much of this is available to you in Canada (you are in Canada, right?)

 

1. The public schools here have special education classrooms for children with severe behavior problems. This is the kind of classroom that he should be placed in. At this point this is for your safety and his. I would work with the schools to set up an academically appropriate IEP (or the equivalent). Be prepared though that at first there probably wouldn't be as much done academically as usually kids need time to adjust to the new routines and structure.

 

2. A residential facility for kids with his struggles. A very hard choice. But it can be beneficial both to the family and the child.

 

3. Respite care. Quite often this is covered by social services (I honestly don't know how this works.) But check into it and try very hard to get some for yourself. It would mean a trained person to come and stay with your son for a while, while you get some needed time away either by yourself or with the other kids.

 

:iagree: Has your ds been officially dx'ed? There needs to be an IEP transition plan if he cannot handle being mainstreamed. I wonder if a visit to the psychiatrist would help --- there are a lot of red flags.

[Scarlett]

Thanks again everyone. To answer a few questions.

 

:grouphug:

 

I have no real advice....you have to take care of yourself and your other 3 children too though. That may mean letting other's take care of your ds.

[Testimony]

:grouphug: I use to work for a child protective service agency for 11 years in my state pre-homeschooling. I dealt with children's with your son's behavior for the last 5 years of my career.

 

There are absolutely no easy answers to this problem. Some may say that public school and residential facilities will help, but remember something always about handing your child to someone else. No one will love your child the way you will love him. Sometimes if you put them in facilities, it will help, but it is the luck of the draw. I have seen great facilities and horrible ones. Remember, your child will be in a program where children have similar or worse problems then his. Depending on the child, your son could turn out better or worse learning from the other children. It is like putting them with other criminals, they become better criminals. What do I mean? In residential facilities, children are seen by a psychiatrist monthly, a therapist weekly, a social worker maybe biweekly, an orderly daily, and the other children constantly. So, who do you think is influencing your child the most in these programs? I could tell you stories.

 

I would recommend a big brother/big sister program, increased counselling, and do you have a good church where people can help give you respite without judging you?

 

Just some thoughts! Sorry this was long.

 

Blessings,

Karen

http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/testimony

[Tree House Academy]

I just want to offer *hugs* to you. I have a difficult child (though NOTHING like you are describing) and I know all to well how exhausting it can be. We have gone through many therapists, tried meds, etc as well. I am so sorry you are in this place right now and I will be praying for both you and your dear son. :(

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:I encourage you to reach out for help.:grouphug: