Frustrated with being blamed

[Twinmom]

Just need to vent here...I am so very sick and tired of being blamed for my special needs kiddos' issues! As if it weren't tough enough raising four kids with special needs, I've got to deal with the judgement of others...esp. those close to me.

 

One of my friends recently proclaimed that I just need to kick DD's hiney and she'll straighten up (from SPD/vision problems/anxiety/neurological issues? Please.). She says that she thinks DD has picked up "negative behaviors" that have nothing to do with her SPD and that if I really wanted to, I could discipline her out of it. Oh, and my other kids are "good kids" who would do fine in public school and I should consider sending them so I can handle DD's discipline issues alone. Has she lived in my house for the last 10 years and seen how much discipline this kid gets? As my DH says, "Been there, done that, got the T-shirt!" Also, how would you react if you were DD, a sensory avoider living with two loud, overactive sensory seekers? You, too, might be a little bit anxious! Another friend, a doctor, was over here yesterday for a playdate with her kids. Noting that I have three SPD kids from two different biological families, she asked if we believed it was "nature or nurture?" (Where am I supposed to go with that besides "you did this to your kids?") Umm, unless I have some control over whether or not their birth moms used drugs/alcohol during their pregnancies and if I somehow played a role in determining their genetic makeup, I'd say it was nature!

 

Well-meaning people who don't want to see me struggle suggest what they know, not realizing their common sense advice sounds like criticism to my ears (Don't you think I'd have thought of that long ago? If traditional parenting...or, butt-kicking in their opinion...worked, it would have been fixed already!) Not so well-meaning people (strangers, btw) who look on with judgement at my kiddos' activity levels and say, "You need to call Nanny 911!" Therapists who proclaim it a parenting issue and leave me to discover the SPD on my own (Oh, wow, we didn't think of that...what is proprioceptive input, anyway?). The list goes on and on.

 

I've officially decided as of last night that I am NOT going to listen to any of the voices anymore. If you can't support us, just get out of the way. I'm a good mom, a consistent mom and a caring mom...God gave me kids with special needs because He knew I was the best mom for them. End of story.

 

Thanks for listening! :rant:

[stephanie]

Just need to vent here...I am so very sick and tired of being blamed for my special needs kiddos' issues! As if it weren't tough enough raising four kids with special needs, I've got to deal with the judgement of others...esp. those close to me.

 

One of my friends recently proclaimed that I just need to kick DD's hiney and she'll straighten up (from SPD/vision problems/anxiety/neurological issues? Please.). She says that she thinks DD has picked up "negative behaviors" that have nothing to do with her SPD and that if I really wanted to, I could discipline her out of it. Oh, and my other kids are "good kids" who would do fine in public school and I should consider sending them so I can handle DD's discipline issues alone. Has she lived in my house for the last 10 years and seen how much discipline this kid gets? As my DH says, "Been there, done that, got the T-shirt!" Also, how would you react if you were DD, a sensory avoider living with two loud, overactive sensory seekers? You, too, might be a little bit anxious! Another friend, a doctor, was over here yesterday for a playdate with her kids. Noting that I have three SPD kids from two different biological families, she asked if we believed it was "nature or nurture?" (Where am I supposed to go with that besides "you did this to your kids?") Umm, unless I have some control over whether or not their birth moms used drugs/alcohol during their pregnancies and if I somehow played a role in determining their genetic makeup, I'd say it was nature!

 

Well-meaning people who don't want to see me struggle suggest what they know, not realizing their common sense advice sounds like criticism to my ears (Don't you think I'd have thought of that long ago? If traditional parenting...or, butt-kicking in their opinion...worked, it would have been fixed already!) Not so well-meaning people (strangers, btw) who look on with judgement at my kiddos' activity levels and say, "You need to call Nanny 911!" Therapists who proclaim it a parenting issue and leave me to discover the SPD on my own (Oh, wow, we didn't think of that...what is proprioceptive input, anyway?). The list goes on and on.

 

I've officially decided as of last night that I am NOT going to listen to any of the voices anymore. If you can't support us, just get out of the way. I'm a good mom, a consistent mom and a caring mom...God gave me kids with special needs because He knew I was the best mom for them. End of story.

 

Thanks for listening! :rant:

 

That's right, Jenn. Bring all your thoughts captive to the Obedience of Christ. Don't let what they say make you doubt yourself. Most people are completely clueless about anything deeper than the more common disabilities. Unfortunately, it's those people who tend to voice their opinions most.:grouphug: Hang in there.

[MicheleB]

Oh, Jennifer, I'm so sorry. You don't need the negative input, that's for sure. It's so difficult when we just want support and understanding from those close to us, and instead they offer criticism and not-helpful advice.

 

I hope you find at least one truly supportive person IRL. And stay away from the others as much as possible. ;)

 

And isn't it great we can come here and people really DO 'get it?'

 

:grouphug:

[MicheleB]

That's right, Jenn. Bring all your thoughts captive to the Obedience of Christ. Don't let what they say make you doubt yourself. Most people are completely clueless about anything deeper than the more common disabilities. Unfortunately, it's those people who tend to voice their opinions most.:grouphug: Hang in there.

 

:iagree: And even the 'common' disabilities like dyslexia are SO misunderstood. "Well, isn't that just when they reverse a few letters?" Or "Theo Huxtable overcame HIS dyslexia... what's the big deal?"

 

It is difficult to be the mom of special needs children. And you are right when you say that because GOD ordained it, we have His strength to do it. :)

[LinRTX]

Jennifer

 

You are an awesome mom. Some people are just too prone to give their *expert* opinion on matters they know nothing about. Believe me I know. And I don't have special needs kids. Wait 10 years down the road and they will all see how wonderful your kids are and what a great mom you are.

 

As an aside, just this Monday some Moms were telling me the impression they had of my children when we met about 10 years ago. We all laughed so hard because my kids turned out so different then tey expected.

 

Linda

[8filltheheart]

:grouphug: I understand completely. I don't even speak to one of my sisters b/c she insisted that ds's behavior wasn't different than other teenagers and that the problem was that I didn't know how to parent teenagers. (This was in response to his kicking holes in doors, punching holes in walls, cutting himself, and fixating on drawing for 20+hrs w/o willing to stop to eat, sleep, etc......not to mention that I have a perfectly normal older ds and younger normal teenagers!!)

 

But, in all honesty, what we are enduring now is even worse. Now our ds blames us for all of his behavioral problems and refuses to accept any personal responsibility for any of his actions. Other people's opinions I really just don't care about. However, with ds now refusing to engage in any self-control, he is self-destructing. His answer to ever issue is that we "make" him behave the way he does or that his behavior doesn't matter b/c he can change it when he really wants to.......the past means nothing, only the future. (Imagine horrible behavior that lasts for hrs and then when he decides to stop, everyone else needs to simply get over it in secs b/c the behavior is in the past......the future is the only thing that matters and this pattern is continuously repeated.)

 

There is nothing easy about any of this. :grouphug:

[mchel210]

Yes...I completely agree! Sorry you are dealing with this!

[elegantlion]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. You're right you are an awesome mom and you have great purpose in your role. I'm sorry people are quick to jump to judgments. :grouphug:

[Garga]

I don't have a special needs kid, but I just want to say I've learned tons from reading threads like this. I don't remember ever giving advice to anyone in the past on how to deal with their special needs kid, but I sure am going to make sure I don't give advice in the future!

 

I've learned how to be sensitive to other people by reading threads like this. The most important thing I've learned is just to give a big :grouphug: and to keep my mouth shut if I don't know what I'm talking about!

[yslek]

:grouphug: How frustrating. Haven't dealt with anything on that level, but did have a neighbor once who told me that B had social issues because we hs. :glare: (This said while T and D are happily, appropriately playing with the kids in the neighborhood.:001_huh:)

 

It's always possible that some of these people will come around some day. SIL was telling me that MIL (her mother) pretty much believed that all behavior issues in kids (including those of autistic children) were due to lack of spanking. SIL was babysitting a family with 2 autistic children (& one neurotypical child) at the time. It took a few years, but MIL came around (esp. after taking a turn babysitting the family herself.)

 

It sounds like you're doing the right thing by your dc. How unfortunate that you don't have more support from those around you though; I'm sure you could use it!

[IsabelC]

:grouphug: BTDT

 

I have been told that my son does not have Aspergers, he just needs a good kick up the backside and packing off to school so he'll learn to survive in the real world.

 

I have been told that I caused his social problems by not having him in daycare from a young age.

 

I have been told that he's on the autism spectrum because I allowed him to be vaccinated.

 

And I've been told that he is actually normal, and I don't know what I'm talking about (presumably the 8 or so professionals who assessed him don't either!), or I'm imagining things.

[LibraryLover]

:iagree: And even the 'common' disabilities like dyslexia are SO misunderstood. "Well, isn't that just when they reverse a few letters?" Or "Theo Huxtable overcame HIS dyslexia... what's the big deal?"

 

It is difficult to be the mom of special needs children. And you are right when you say that because GOD ordained it, we have His strength to do it. :)

 

My favorite is when you talk about it to people who know *nothing*, and they think the dyslexia is because you hs. Yeah, ok. Exactly. :glare: No schooled kids are affected by this, and they get every single one of their needs met in school. Right. And what's your fantasy? :confused:

[Twinmom]

I appreciate the stories so much...it's nice to know I'm not in this alone! I guess it would be lots better if I was...then no one else would have to deal with it! Selfishly, however, I am glad it's not just me. Makes it a bit easier to sleep at night. ;)

 

My latest favorite, the one keeping me up this evening, is that her behaviors were caused by her vision problems and since her vision problems have been somewhat remediated, it's time for her to shape up. This comment was quickly followed by, "it's time to stop looking for what's wrong with her...you really know it is behavioral." The meaning behind this one is what gets me: its time for me to accept that she's a snot (just her personality, don't you know!) and I have to up my parenting game.

 

Yeah, right. SPD ain't real or at least doesn't cause real suffering, being abandoned by your birthmother ain't a problem and it doesn't hurt one's self esteem at all to have uncontrollable panic attacks. Just man up and you'll be fine.

[Twinmom]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. You're right you are an awesome mom and you have great purpose in your role. I'm sorry people are quick to jump to judgments. :grouphug:

 

:grouphug: right back at ya! Thanks so much for the encouragement. Miss talking with you more often. I'll be back at our "other home" soon...

[LittleIzumi]

I like to pull out the extreme shockers for those moments--"dude, she eats broken glass." "Whoa--that's not normal!!!!!" Duh. Neither was any of the other stuff, but the physical part is harder to explain away. Then they usually stop giving the "if you'd stop being so permissive and set some rules she'd be fine, why are you allowing her to behave like that" look. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I was given two blessings in which I was promised to develop patience--and man, she is a great patience teacher :lol:.

[Laura Corin]

I appreciate the stories so much...it's nice to know I'm not in this alone!

 

I once had an Israeli guy telling me that all would be solved if he had to go through national service as a soldier. What he meant, of course, was that C was a mummy's boy who just needed to be toughened up. The image it conjured for me was the horror of someone so physically unable having to fight for his life.

 

Laura

[Mom0012]

When my oldest was just a little guy, he had some major issues going on. I can remember taking him to our weekly playgroup meeting and coming away from it dripping with sweat from the stress of it. I'd have to drag him out of the room screaming multiple times or sit next to him every minute while the other moms were off chatting. He was incredibly oppositional and impossible to please and he just drained me.

 

I remember sharing my frustration with my mother and her telling me that I'd have to see how this next one was (that I was pregnant with) because my son was difficult and my stepddaughter was difficult and if my new baby was, maybe it was because of me. I remember my sister giving me parenting advice and just wanting to scream because everyone thought it was my fault.

 

Then, we discovered that my son is gluten intolerant and our whole world changed overnight. He became sweet and compliant and began playing with all the other children well. I had my daughter and she was the sweetest baby girl and toddler ever. Everywhere we went, we got comments about my son and how he had changed and suddenly everyone realized it was a physical issue and not my parenting and it was such a relief.

 

All that to say, I've been there and I really feel for anyone going through this.

 

Lisa

[OneRoomSchoolHouse]

My favorite is when you talk about it to people who know *nothing*, and they think the dyslexia is because you hs. Yeah, ok. Exactly. :glare: No schooled kids are affected by this, and they get every single one of their needs met in school. Right. And what's your fantasy? :confused:

 

Ha! My dd went to public kindergarten and continually got notes home that she wasn't paying attention and talking. Long story short, she was diagnosed as having a very high IQ (bored in class), but also has dyslexia (and is right brained). I thank God everyday that we took her out of ps. If we had not, she would have become yet another child brushed aside by the system.

 

Everyone of the moms on here deserve a huge HUG for doing the right thing for thier children. Sometimes I wonder if we really do love our children more since we are willing to nurture their disabilities instead of taking the easy route and letting someone else handle them.

[jensway]

My son has AS he is almost 12, diagnosed since 6. So I've had a lot of practice with people who cannot give support without offering advice. First there are many people who really don't have a clue and try to offer advice. The way I look at it is, they are for the most part caring individuals they just don't know what they don't know.

Here's what I say to well meaning people offering advise: First I smile, and then say "thank you very much for your concern, I will have to check into that and I hope you will never have to."

 

That gets them off your back and stops the confrontation, because hey you've told them you will check into that. All knowing this is not something that they know what they are talking about and that you are really not going to be checking into anything.

Edited October 23, 2009 by jensway
spelling

[elizam]

:grouphug: I understand completely. I don't even speak to one of my sisters b/c she insisted that ds's behavior wasn't different than other teenagers and that the problem was that I didn't know how to parent teenagers. (This was in response to his kicking holes in doors, punching holes in walls, cutting himself, and fixating on drawing for 20+hrs w/o willing to stop to eat, sleep, etc......not to mention that I have a perfectly normal older ds and younger normal teenagers!!)

 

But, in all honesty, what we are enduring now is even worse. Now our ds blames us for all of his behavioral problems and refuses to accept any personal responsibility for any of his actions. Other people's opinions I really just don't care about. However, with ds now refusing to engage in any self-control, he is self-destructing. His answer to ever issue is that we "make" him behave the way he does or that his behavior doesn't matter b/c he can change it when he really wants to.......the past means nothing, only the future. (Imagine horrible behavior that lasts for hrs and then when he decides to stop, everyone else needs to simply get over it in secs b/c the behavior is in the past......the future is the only thing that matters and this pattern is continuously repeated.)

 

There is nothing easy about any of this. :grouphug:

 

 

He sounds very similar to my 16yods, dxed with Bipolar disorder. I get blamed, both blatantly and covertly.

[elizam]

I can relate. The next person that tells me my teen needs to be knocked across a room for his bipolar symtoms, I swear I am going to knock THEM across a room. Everyone seems to think good old fashioned beating made for better kids with no dxes. :angry:

[Twinmom]

I'm surprised at how common blaming the parents seems to be! I guess I hit a nerve here. On the one hand, I'm glad not to be alone in having this problem, but on the other hand I sure wish I was! ;)

[elizam]

I'm surprised at how common blaming the parents seems to be! I guess I hit a nerve here. On the one hand, I'm glad not to be alone in having this problem, but on the other hand I sure wish I was! ;)

 

nope, you are not alone!

 

BTW, where are you in NC? I am near Charlotte!

[Twinmom]

Hickory here! We're nearly neighbors. :)

[Miss Sherry]

There never seems to be a shortage of ignorant people available who are willing to confidently tell you their very strong opinions on things they know nothing about. This is especially annoying and hurtful when it is in regards to our children. I am so sorry that you have been a victim of these types of ignorant people. I hope that you will be able to have some supportive people around you in the future.

[Hikin' Mama]

It is frustrating, isn't it.

 

:grouphug: to you, and just try to do the best you can for your kids, and ignore people who aren't genuinely interested in what is best for them. Easier said than done, I know. :grouphug: and blessings to you!

[swellmomma]

BTDT. I have had this vent irl (an online) before too. I am so sick and tired of being blamed for this kids disabilities. It started when ds was 6 months and was being screened at the health unit for autism. I was told by family that it was because I coddled and spoiled him. UMMM he was a 6month old preemie. What was a supposed to do stick him in a playpen and ignore him all day? We were denied services from "services for families with disabilities" because they claimed they could not prove adhd, anxiety disorder, etc were organic in nature and therefore caused by the home and most often the mother. This was despite their shrink sending a letter outlining that they were special needs and we required respite care.

 

My mother still thinks that the kids disabilities will disappear if I just spanked them harder/longer/more frequently. My mother, my sister and their ped think they will be magically cured if I put them back in ps(of course the fact that they got significantly worse in ps doesn't phase them). I have "well-meaning" strangers make comments that if I smacked them more they would toe-the-line etc. I've had "experts" tell me over the years my kids were the way they were because I was too strict/too lax/ate the wrong foods while pregnant/lied about drug use(that one irked me as I have never ever tried drugs)/lied about alcohol use/listened to the wrong music/wasn't spiritual enough(aka had no morals to teach the kids)/ps'd/hs'd/and the list goes on. I don't think anyone has ever actually tried to honestly help me over the years, it is always about putting the blame on the home/mother, rather than helping when needed.

 

Not very helpful at all. Nothing like

[IsabelC]

My mother still thinks that the kids disabilities will disappear if I just spanked them harder/longer/more frequently.

Well it that's true, then perhaps your mother's total lack of sensitivity and support for you would disappear if you spanked her?

[swellmomma]

Sometimes I wonder if we really do love our children more since we are willing to nurture their disabilities instead of taking the easy route and letting someone else handle them.

 

I can't say I love mine more than the next mom, but I can say I love mine more than I love my sanity or my self esteem. Those I can rebuild when the kids are grown and on to the next stage in life. I only have 1 shot at making the right choices to get them there, and I will take all the stress, blame, pointed fingers and guilt if I can get them there with the ability to function as productive adults, stong character, strong morals, social skills, and everything else I battle with them on everyday. Of course by then I will also accept all the *blame* for getting them to that point.

[swellmomma]

Well it that's true, then perhaps your mother's total lack of sensitivity and support for you would disappear if you spanked her?

 

 

:lol: Maybe. The funny thing is when I told my family this past summer that we planned to move out of province(which we are still doing this coming summer after my brother's wedding) they all made comments about how I couldn't make it on my own without their support. WHAT SUPPORT??? I have been doing this on my own for years. They honestly think their comments are helpful and I will finally see the error of my ways if they keep harping on me with them.

 

The last time my mom made a comment about my parenting/the kids disabilities. I reminded her where my example of how a mom is to behave from. That shut her up pretty quickly.

[Twinmom]

I just went to see my DD's therapist by myself regarding setting up some testing for DD. I mentioned that folks have been suggesting I had fault in DD's issues. She told me in no uncertain terms that this is NOT my fault, NOT DH's fault and NOT even DD's fault. She says I am no longer to listen to anyone say that it is, whether they be professionals, friends, relatives or anyone else! :D

 

In fact, she said she's ready to terminate therapy because she doesn't think DD needs it anymore! She says that the OT and equine therapy is what DD needs, not talk therapy. She thinks we have a handle on things and that DD will improve tremendously over the next several years with OT. Yippee! She just told me to call her and come in myself if I get stressed out or need any extra advice on managing DD's SPD.

 

Nice lady!

[LittleIzumi]

I just went to see my DD's therapist by myself regarding setting up some testing for DD. I mentioned that folks have been suggesting I had fault in DD's issues. She told me in no uncertain terms that this is NOT my fault, NOT DH's fault and NOT even DD's fault. She says I am no longer to listen to anyone say that it is, whether they be professionals, friends, relatives or anyone else! :D

 

In fact, she said she's ready to terminate therapy because she doesn't think DD needs it anymore! She says that the OT and equine therapy is what DD needs, not talk therapy. She thinks we have a handle on things and that DD will improve tremendously over the next several years with OT. Yippee! She just told me to call her and come in myself if I get stressed out or need any extra advice on managing DD's SPD.

 

Nice lady!

 

Woohoo! :D

[Michelle T]

because it is all made up by the public schools and parents who just want to drug their children so they don't have to deal with them.

 

Yeah. I'm not even going to get started. I have complete sympathy with the OP, and all the rest of you.

Michelle T

[HeidiD]

:lol: when I told my family this past summer that we planned to move out of province(which we are still doing this coming summer after my brother's wedding) they all made comments about how I couldn't make it on my own without their support. WHAT SUPPORT???

 

The opposite happened to us. We moved around quite a bit with the military and my parents were always saying how much they would be able to help us with our dd w/aspergers if only we lived closer. Eventually, we did end up living a short distance away and once we began seeing more of them, they began insisting that she is not on the autism spectrum, that her behavior is all our fault, that she behaves differently because she is adopted, that we should just give in to her every whim (things like, for instance, letting her take each potato chip out of the common bag, lick it, and put it back :tongue_smilie:). They began treating our other kids very differently than our autistic child (for instance they'd frequently give her new toys, while giving the others nothing, and then literally scream at the other children if they even tried to touch whatever they had given her!). Things came to a head when my father literally threw her psychiatric report at me across the table, flatly refusing to even read it. (Her doctor is a top autism expert and teaches at an ivy league medical school.) My dad said that the doctor didn't know what he was talking about. :confused: Sadly, we are now estranged.

 

Funny "blame" story: A guy from church called up and began complaining about dd's silly behavior during Mass. When told that she is on the autism spectrum, he replied, "Oh, one of my cousins has that." Ironically, the guy complaining on the phone also exhibits so many aspergers symptoms himself that he suffers from it as well, without a doubt. So here we have an asperger's victim self-righteously complaining about the behavior of another aspergers victim. :lol:

 

 

 

"What do we live for, but to make sport for our neighbors, and laugh at them in our turn". - Mr. Bennet, Pride and Prejudice.

[tonygirl]

Been there still there :glare:

[Mama Bear]

Just need to vent here...I am so very sick and tired of being blamed for my special needs kiddos' issues! As if it weren't tough enough raising four kids with special needs, I've got to deal with the judgement of others...esp. those close to me.

 

One of my friends recently proclaimed that I just need to kick DD's hiney and she'll straighten up (from SPD/vision problems/anxiety/neurological issues? Please.). She says that she thinks DD has picked up "negative behaviors" that have nothing to do with her SPD and that if I really wanted to, I could discipline her out of it. Oh, and my other kids are "good kids" who would do fine in public school and I should consider sending them so I can handle DD's discipline issues alone. Has she lived in my house for the last 10 years and seen how much discipline this kid gets? As my DH says, "Been there, done that, got the T-shirt!" Also, how would you react if you were DD, a sensory avoider living with two loud, overactive sensory seekers? You, too, might be a little bit anxious! Another friend, a doctor, was over here yesterday for a playdate with her kids. Noting that I have three SPD kids from two different biological families, she asked if we believed it was "nature or nurture?" (Where am I supposed to go with that besides "you did this to your kids?") Umm, unless I have some control over whether or not their birth moms used drugs/alcohol during their pregnancies and if I somehow played a role in determining their genetic makeup, I'd say it was nature!

 

Well-meaning people who don't want to see me struggle suggest what they know, not realizing their common sense advice sounds like criticism to my ears (Don't you think I'd have thought of that long ago? If traditional parenting...or, butt-kicking in their opinion...worked, it would have been fixed already!) Not so well-meaning people (strangers, btw) who look on with judgement at my kiddos' activity levels and say, "You need to call Nanny 911!" Therapists who proclaim it a parenting issue and leave me to discover the SPD on my own (Oh, wow, we didn't think of that...what is proprioceptive input, anyway?). The list goes on and on.

 

I've officially decided as of last night that I am NOT going to listen to any of the voices anymore. If you can't support us, just get out of the way. I'm a good mom, a consistent mom and a caring mom...God gave me kids with special needs because He knew I was the best mom for them. End of story.

 

Thanks for listening! :rant:

 

Word.

[tonygirl]

:)

Edited November 6, 2009 by tonygirl

[tonygirl]

:)

[tonygirl]

Word.

I've officially decided as of last night that I am NOT going to listen to any of the voices anymore. If you can't support us, just get out of the way. I'm a good mom, a consistent mom and a caring mom...God gave me kids with special needs because He knew I was the best mom for them. End of story.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :thumbup: