need practical advice about how NOT to be a NAG to husband - not bashing!!! I promise

[Hoggirl]

How do you get your husband to REMEMBER to do any "honey-dos" that you have? My dh works very hard at his job, but he is willing to help me with things around the house. The problem is that I will often have to ask him several times before he remembers to do what I asked. I feel like if I have to ask more than once I am nagging. However, I would also feel like I was treating him like a child if I made a "list" for him. I do not ask him to do things that I can do, but rather things that are more under his expertise - fixing things around the house type stuff, help with the computer, etc.

 

Any advice?

Edited July 30, 2009 by Hoggirl
Thanks impish! Bad typo!

[Impish]

Uh...you're talking about your dH, not your dS, right? :lol: Sorry, struck me as a funny typo.

 

I think its the tone and approach that makes it nagging. I know that my dh, due to FASD, has a cruddy short term memory. If I didn't remind him, nothing would ever happen! I approach him in a loving manner, and say something like, "Honey, would you mind doing ____ now? I'd really appreciate it!"

[Supertechmom]

I use the flylady system so I have a list for each room of things that need to be cleaned. I started adding to that list a maintenance list. Anything I saw that needed to be done. I keep all this in a notebook in the kitchen. When he gets a day off (which is rare) and can work on maintenance stuff, he grabs the notebook and takes a peep. Things still don't get done in MY timeframe :lol: but there is a list when he has the time that he can refer to and get things done. Otherwise, we both forget what was needed until we are in the middle of something , spot the problem, and then can't do anything about it. Not great but it works for us.

[Tammyla]

My husband likes that list, but we call it the house book. It has everything in it from measurements, wish lists, repair lists etc. We both use and add to it so doesn't feel like pressure to either of us.

[lionfamily1999]

Have you asked him?

 

That's what I did. Dh and I worked out a system together.

 

Really, if you ask him what to do it will solve half the problem already. He'll know that you don't want to nag, and he'll know he's putting you in a position where you don't know what to do other than nag. Plus you'll be asking him for advice, that will give him the warm fuzzies, and since you gave him a voice in how to deal with it, he'll appreciate the system more.

[AnotherE]

I don't know if this will help you, but I start doing projects myself. Nothing gets dh running in the room faster than the sound of me rummaging in the toolbox. There is good reason for this, though. If you are fairly handy it probably won't work.

[Old Dominion Heather]

 

Chorebusters.net will give you a family chore list that is fair and equal. It has been the catalyst for a cleaning revolution around here.

[Oak Knoll Mom]

Have you talked about it with him? I've had to have a conversation like this before. "Honey, I have a few things I really need you to do, but I don't want to come across as a nag. How would you like me to handle this?" If he doesn't come up with something right away you might go ahead and suggest a few solutions.

 

My husband prefers me to send him an email, then he's able to cut and paste it into his to-do list. I'm free to remind him verbally if it's a time sensitive matter. :-) Your husband may *want* you to make him a list, stick it on the fridge and never mention it again. Another couple I know of had an agreement that she asked once and if he didn't get it done within three weeks, she was to hire someone to do it.

[lionfamily1999]

I don't know if this will help you, but I start doing projects myself. Nothing gets dh running in the room faster than the sound of me rummaging in the toolbox. There is good reason for this, though. If you are fairly handy it probably won't work.

Lol, in our house that's known as 'doing a Grampa.' Dh's grampa used to rattle the plates when he wanted me to do dishes, or mow the grass under dh's window (repeatedly) when he wanted dh to cut the grass...

 

:lol:

 

That's what dh does now when he wants me to do something and I warn him off from being a grampa....

[Harriet Vane]

Two things work well for my dh. One is that he will put a reminder on his Blackberry. It pops up repeatedly and keeps the chore in the forefront of his mind.

 

Along the same lines, sometimes we actually have to schedule when he is going to take care of something. For example, instead of saying, "I need to clean the gutters sometime soon," Dh will instead say, "I will clean the gutters on Saturday morning." Or I might prompt him by asking, "When do you think you can do that?"

[Renthead Mommy]

Mine can't remember a thing said to him verbally. I email him EVERYTHING. It goes from his inbox to his calendar. If it's not on his calendar, it doesn't exist. I email everything from Child and I will be at X from 1-5 on the 5th. We are all going to X on the 8th. I need help this weekend doing X. Sometime this weekend will you please do X.

 

If it's something like 'help Kelly move table and put together X this weekend', he won't actually write it down on his calendar, but it's in his 'mental' calendar. If I see the day going in a "i'm going to hang, relax and play on the computer all day' type of way, I'll usually say "What time are you going to do X for me? I need to know so I can plan the rest of my day."

 

He's screwed me up in the past by not doing something, that I was waiting on him all day to do. Then to avoid nagging about it, I end up waiting for it. Then my day is wasted in an effort to avoid nagging him. That never turned out pretty.

 

The email thing seems to work well.

 

That and the words, "I need to know when we are going to do this this weekend, so I can plan when I'm going to the store, the kiddo is going to his friends' house and the other friend is coming here to play."

 

Good luck.

[RegGuheert]

Another couple I know of had an agreement that she asked once and if he didn't get it done within three weeks, she was to hire someone to do it.

:eek: I recommend you do NOT take this approach! To me, those are fightin' words! :boxing_smiley:

 

Why?

 

1) MomsintheGarden knows very well that I am a cheap, handy procrastinator.

2) Given 1), threatening to hire a plumber/electrician/carpenter says "I don't think you can (or will) do this" or worse "I can hire other men as substitutes for you".

3) If your husband is the only one who works to pay the bills, it says "I will take away more of your family time and have you work since you didn't take the time to do this". To me it's one thing if I decide to make this trade, but I don't think it is fair the other way around.

 

Better to nag than to threaten to hire a contractor. At least at the Guheert residence!

 

One thing I DO recommend is that you clearly show appreciation for things that DO get done, even if it was not within your schedule. That's much better received than an attitude of "Finally!".

[kmacnchs]

Have you asked him?

 

That's what I did. Dh and I worked out a system together.

 

Really, if you ask him what to do it will solve half the problem already. He'll know that you don't want to nag, and he'll know he's putting you in a position where you don't know what to do other than nag. Plus you'll be asking him for advice, that will give him the warm fuzzies, and since you gave him a voice in how to deal with it, he'll appreciate the system more.

 

:iagree:

 

also, sometimes I'll say, "am I nagging to remind you about this?" if it's something I think he truly forgot (not just put of) then he knows my heart and he'll tell me...either way :)

[Julie in Austin]

We have a google doc with a list divided into "must be done by [date]," "higher priority," and "lower priority." He checks it on Saturdays. This works really well for us.

[johnandtinagilbert]

"Honey, I put up a list on the fridge for you so I won't be tempted to nag."

 

When he does anything on that list reward him with cold drinks at the work site, a nice manly sandwich.

 

"Honey, do you think you might be able to work on ......... by the end of the month?" Give him plenty of time to finish the job.

 

"Honey, is there anything I can do to help you get started with...." Sometimes he'll send me to the hardware store so he can just get started.

 

Don't nag :) Don't manipulate by starting the job. I used to do that and dh has told me he resented it and knew exactly what I was doing.

 

And, so you know, I feel your pain. There are several unfinished dh projects about. I've learned to just say oh well and finish my own stuff!

[Gretchen in NJ]

We always do thing together.

[RegGuheert]

If it ever gets to the point where all of your husband's activities outside of work are being specified by you, then he has then become your de facto employee. At that point, it will not make any difference how gently you make requests: they will not be welcomed. If there are tasks which are likely to bug your husband more than they bug you, then it is probably best to not mention those and let him handle them on his own.

 

Please note that this is true in either direction. I think we all need some time to do things of our own volition. Probably this issue is behind the recent thread about HSing Mom's wanting a week or two off.

[Hillary in KS]

Have you talked about it with him? I've had to have a conversation like this before. "Honey, I have a few things I really need you to do, but I don't want to come across as a nag. How would you like me to handle this?" If he doesn't come up with something right away you might go ahead and suggest a few solutions.

 

 

Yes, that's what I did. Now, I have a list in my household notebook, and he checks it when he can. If something *has* to be done and he can't get to it, I have permission to hire out, if necessary. :)

[TeenagerMom]

I hire people to do my honey do's:D. DH works 18 hours a day and usually only has 1 day off a week, I really don't like to bother him with chores on his one day off. So when I need things done, I hire someone, do it myself, beg my dad to do it, or get my backup hubby next door (for emergencies).

 

My neighbor's husband is home most of the time and is always happy to help me out in a pinch (like DS getting locked in a closet because the innards of the knob broke).

 

ETA: The rummaging through the toolbox thing does work sometimes around my house too!

[Kari C in SC]

My dh actually prefers I write down a list for him. That way he can pick and choose which thing he wants to do off the list. I actually have a wish list and a dream list! LOL!

[kalanamak]

However, I would also feel like I was treating him like a child if I made a "list" for him.

 

My hubby prefers a list. Very much so.

[Aggie]

A friend of mine says to her dh,

 

"Would you like to do xyz *now* or at 5?" He gets to choose what time, she chooses the chore.

 

It works for them, but I like the list for dh and me. :)

[OrganicAnn]

My DH makes his own list. If he doesn't make his own list he knows he'll have to work on projects that I want him to do. :)

[runamuk]

I asked my husband how he wanted me to handle the situation so I didn't end up nagging him. He said that he would prefer a "Honey Do" list posted on the fridge by his coffee pot. That way, he would see what needed to be done and work out how and when he'd do it. He also suggested I "assign" him chores for the weekend, if I wanted help. So Friday night through Sunday night, he has dish duty (he also takes care of the lawn, outside chores and takes out the trash). He doesn't feel nagged and I get a little help around the house.

 

Tell him you feel like you're nagging him and would like to know how he would like to handle the situation. He knows how he works best. :)

[Rosie_0801]

I repeated that I'd like him to do the dishes.

 

Oh yeah. The way to a woman's heart is by doing her housework!

 

I'm watching this thread avidly. I spoke to my dh and his idea of a good system is for me to remind him politely three times, then if he still hasn't done it, I'm supposed to throw a tantrum about it. I find that rather exhausting. The list idea only works for three days then he stops looking at it, and that is the case even if it is him writing the list! I think it boils down to the simple fact that he doesn't care what state the house is in. No amount of polite encouragements will change that. I am finding that there is a silver lining to the problem of renting. We have inspections twice a year. He'll clean up for them so we don't get evicted. Maybe it'll be a bad thing when we can afford to buy our own place, heheh.

 

Rosie

[Paz]

I wish I had the answer. I "nag" my entire family. I like to refer to myself as their "life coach.":lol:

[Guest janainaz]

My dh actually ASKED me to make him a list. He told me that men like to conquer things and a list was better for him than to have me asking him over and over or having to remember what I wanted done.

 

I have always made the argument that I don't need a "list" to remember my household responsibilities - I just know what they are and do them. Initially, I was annoyed at having to take the time to write a list, but because he is willing to do what is on it - I don't complain. You should ask your husband if he would be bothered by a list. You may be surprised.

[lisasaysto]

My husband and I work opposite shifts, so I'm not home at night to nag. We have a whiteboard in the kitchen/office area. If I need something done during the time I'm not there, I just write it down, and if he needs me to do something the next day, he writes it as well. That sounds like we don't talk about things, but that's not the case. The list is a good reminder for both of us, and it adds to the sense of accomplishment to mark things off.

[keptwoman]

I asked DH whether a list would be good and he said yes it would.

It's titled the Honey Do List and it's up on the noticeboard. He usually tackles a couple of things on it a weekend.

[shusband]

This used to be a big issue for us. My dh is the youngest of his family and is extremely sensitive about being treated like a child. I used to first remind him and then just get pissed and do it myself. It wasn't a great method.

 

I don't remember how I got to this, but now I have two guidelines:

 

1. I don't remind or even mention chores that are his (bills, garbage, lawn).

2. I absolutely do not do any of the chores that are his unless he is out of town.

 

In the beginning that meant the garbage was occasionally overflowing but it didn't take long. Also, when I need it, I do still ask him for help on chores that are typically mine.

 

Hope that helps. Thirteen years of marriage have very slowly taught me that things that really don't phase me at all (i.e., being reminded of my chores) send dh through the roof.

 

Summer

[Hoggirl]

The things that I have to ask about repeatedly are NOT the things my dh normally does. He is great about remembering the routine things; it is the one-offs that he forgets to do.

 

He says it does not bother him when I ask him more than once to do something, but I think it bothers ME. So, I will ask him if he would like a list and see what he says. I don't know why I didn't think of this before - I make lists for myself all the time. I guess I thought he might find it patronizing, but if I ask him and he says, "okay," then I will go that route.

 

Thanks for the insights.

[Oak Knoll Mom]

:eek: I recommend you do NOT take this approach! To me, those are fightin' words! :boxing_smiley:

 

 

It wouldn't work around here, either. But like I said, it was an agreement between two friends of mine--I guess it works for them.:001_smile:

[TammyinTN]

On Friday evening I put a list of what has to be done on the weekend. We decide then who's going to do what and then mark them off by Sunday night. He's not here for a year and I really miss having someone to share my list with. The kids however have stepped up to help out a lot.

[japhmi]

How do you get your husband to REMEMBER to do any "honey-dos" that you have? My dh works very hard at his job, but he is willing to help me with things around the house. The problem is that I will often have to ask him several times before he remembers to do what I asked. I feel like if I have to ask more than once I am nagging. However, I would also feel like I was treating him like a child if I made a "list" for him. I do not ask him to do things that I can do, but rather things that are more under his expertise - fixing things around the house type stuff, help with the computer, etc.

 

Any advice?

Talk to him about it. I'm a DH, and I need lists - detailed lists.

[lionfamily1999]

Talk to him about it. I'm a DH, and I need lists - detailed lists.

That's what I said. Who better to devise the plan than the person that is expected to abide by it?

[Annabelle's Mom]

Jana said: "My dh actually ASKED me to make him a list. He told me that men like to conquer things and a list was better for him than to have me asking him over and over or having to remember what I wanted done. I have always made the argument that I don't need a "list" to remember my household responsibilities - I just know what they are and do them. "

 

I was alternately laughing and griping about this thread. It sounds like most husbands are like this. I've been aggravated at dh for 27 years. He will without complaint do pretty much anything I ask, if I insist on it right now. But if I don't ask, it's not going to get done, unless I do it myself. And dh is quite happy for me to do it. But Jana's post made me think. My dh is head of maintenance at a college apartment complex. He doesn't do jobs because he suddenly thinks of them or because a student catches him on the fly and asks him to do something. Instead, the office makes up a little sheet describing the job to be done which goes on a spindle, so when he's finished one job, he goes and gets another. He can see what has to be done, perhaps some can be done simultaneously, etc. I'm thinking that might be a system that works for us. That way I've passed on the "assignment", it's the spindle there that is "nagging" and will remain there "nagging" until he does it. I've got lightbulbs inside and outside that need replacing, and I know he knows it. These are things he has to do as they are high up and require stepladders, and I no longer am able to do stepladders for fear of falling. Now I'm getting very excited!

 

Linda