Vasectomy regrets

[Joy at Home]

I know this is personal, but I really need support. Dh had a vasectomy after our fifth baby three years ago. He didn't want anymore, and in my post-partum blues, I gave in. Nothing has really changed, dh thinks our family is big enough. But something is yearning in me. I thought it would pass, but I feel like I'm in such mourning over the fact I'll never have anymore children. I'm 38, I have five beautiful children, we have a busy life. Why am I doing this to myself? I have such a sadness, a deep yearning to hold another baby, to nurse another baby, to bring another life into our home.

 

Even if dh agreed, the cost of a reversal is not an option. I find myself secretly hoping the vasectomy didn't work (he never went back for his follow-ups).

 

I guess I feel dreadful regret over the permanency of our decision. I feel that's window's closed, and it hurts. Does anyone understand what I'm going through? How do you deal with the practical decision not to have any more children and the desire you feel in your heart?

 

Lisa

[kmacnchs]

I am not in your shoes but I have read MANY articles on this type of thing. Go to aboverubies.org, click on articles and there are 5 current ones on vasectomy reversals.

 

Other than that, I would just pray about it. Luke 1:37!

[tricia]

This is hitting home for me right now. Only we didn't do anything to stop the babies from coming I think I am just getting too old!!:) I have 12 children and so very much wanting more babies and my youngest is 3. This is the longest I have gone without one on the way and it's KILLING me. My heart aches so much for another little one. And we wouldn't ever have the money to do anything like IVF or anything like that. But I can relate. It does hurt when our heart and arms beg for another little blessing and they don't come.:grouphug:

[Miss Peregrine]

Exact same thing here, except DH did have a reversal. It has been 4 years now and we have not had anymore children. Up until last year, this cause me lots of distress. I was depressed and angry. I felt like we made a HUGE mistake.

 

This past year, however, I have grown completely content with my family. I feel like that chapter of my life is closed and the next few chapters look pretty exciting. :001_smile:

 

 

I know that doesn't help you or diminish your pain. Is there someone you can confide in to pray for you or just be there when you need to talk?

 

 

{{{{HUGS}}}}

[MamaAkins]

I completely understand how you feel. My husband had a "V" when our 4th child was only 6 weeks old....and it was our 10th anniversary too. He felt that we needed to be "done" having children for financial reasons and because he was afraid of health issues for me. It's now been a little over 2 years. Just in the past two months or so have I started to feel some sense of peace over the permanency of this decision. My heart longs to be pregnant again; to hold a newborn in my arms; to nurture a brand new little soul...etc, etc. But, I know that God reigns supreme and that if He wanted, He would override any man-made decision. Somewhere in there, I felt that God was trying to teach me to be content with the four perfect little gifts He has given me and that I should focus on nurturing these children.

 

I pray that you will find peace and contentment.....but know that you are not alone.

[Chris in VA]

I went thru the baby longing after having my last at 37. I just didn't feel done, but I didn't want to have a baby after 40, either. It was a hard time.

Something sweet came of it, tho--and kinda funny.

You know how they say to some newly pregnant moms that kicking feels like gas bubbles in the tum? I had felt kicking but I had never had gas that felt that way. When I was about 40 or 41, I remember several days when I had that kicking sensation, clear as could be--it was gas, of course, but I took it as a little gift from God--the chance to experience the sweet sensation of a little one kicking, tho there was no little one. I found it strangely comforting.

 

I think I'm past the baby stage now, but I truly liked being pregnant, nursing, and having an infant (not every bit, but you know). It was hard to let go.

 

Praying for comfort for you, if indeed you are done.

[Peela]

My dh had a vasectomy just after I had no. 2.(no. 3 for him) He was 42, I was 28- way too young to agree to that decision. I have regretted it for years. No way would he consider a reversal.

I think its just about being a grown up. We dont get everything we want in life, and the season of making babies is always only going to be a season- it will always come to an end whether you have one child or 15. Its an opportunity to let your heart get bigger and your mothering to spread further than just your own family.

But also, at times the ache for me is really strong and all the rationalising just doesnt make it go away. I just try not to feed it too much.

[Heather in OK]

Another who completely understands!!!

 

My dh and I always disagreed (even when dating..lol) on the number of children we would have. He said three and I said four (after compromising from five or six). And in my heart I've just always felt like there were four children for our family.

 

He had his V about six months after our ds was born. I agreed out of respect and submission to him. But that didn't change the feelings of regret that I had. He knew I didn't want him to do it but I told him it was his decision.

 

Mostly I go through stages where I have "baby fever" and long for another. And honestly, like I said, I really do feel deep inside that our family is complete with four children. The biggest thing that keeps me in check is the fact that we have absolutely no room for another person in this house. LOL!

 

But, I know that God reigns supreme and that if He wanted, He would override any man-made decision.

Agreed!

[RebeccaS]

Would you dh be open to fostering? My dh had his v after our third child. We'd had 3 kids in 3 years and out last two had heart defects. He thought it best we stop. I agreed, though reluctantly. I regretted it deeply. I cried the day the doc called with the all clear.

 

After two years of longing and prayer, I approached dh about adoption. I had explored many options and adoption was just too expensive. Unless we fostered to adopt. I was really surprised when dh agreed and we began our journey. It took a long time (to me!) to actually get licensed-about a year from start to finish. We are currently on our second foster placement (our first girl was reunited with her mother this past February) and we have just adopted a son who was already in permenant custody of the state.

 

Even if you don't decide to adopt, there is a great need for loving foster homes and I can tell you, there is never a dull moment! :D Just something else to consider.

[Prudent]

DH had a V with my complete agreement and support, and neither one of us for a minute regretted the decision at all.

 

Nevertheless, it is sort of like going through menopause for the wife. There is a natural grieving process when you know you'll never have to count days on the calendar and nervously buy an HPT. You do mourn never feeling another baby kick or hiccup in your womb. Fertility is a HUGE part of a woman's live from her first period until her last.

 

I did feel deep sadness before, during, and after my husband's surgery. I don't think we made a mistake. I know our family is complete. I had peace about our decision, but I still had to grieve knowing this womb will never hold life again.

 

I realized a lot of times when I get those baby feelings, it's not that I want another baby. I just wish my children were newborns again. I really don't want another baby, I just wish my babies hadn't gotten so big!

[i.love.lucy]

I've been feeling it too lately. Wasn't there even a thread to this effect not too long ago. My son was born prematurely when I got preeclampsia (sp?) so I am pretty sure it would be very unsafe for me to have another. I'm also about to be 42. My husband sees me get flustered with the kids, or overwhelmed, and takes that to mean I couldn't handle it, which hurts my feelings. At any rate after what he went through almost losing me during my ds's birth, there's no way he'd agree to more.

 

I agree with Peela, it's a season, and for me that season is over. I have lots to look forward to with my kids, but I do miss the thought of being pregnant and having another little one.

[Joy at Home]

Thank you wonderful ladies for your responses. I see the longing to love another baby is something not unique to me!

 

Would you dh be open to fostering? My dh had his v after our third child. We'd had 3 kids in 3 years and out last two had heart defects. He thought it best we stop. I agreed, though reluctantly. I regretted it deeply. I cried the day the doc called with the all clear.

 

After two years of longing and prayer, I approached dh about adoption. I had explored many options and adoption was just too expensive. Unless we fostered to adopt. I was really surprised when dh agreed and we began our journey. It took a long time (to me!) to actually get licensed-about a year from start to finish. We are currently on our second foster placement (our first girl was reunited with her mother this past February) and we have just adopted a son who was already in permenant custody of the state.

 

Even if you don't decide to adopt, there is a great need for loving foster homes and I can tell you, there is never a dull moment! :D Just something else to consider.

 

Rebecca, funny you should mention this. Just this morning I was on the Children and Youth website considering this!! We had temporary custody of a child for a year and dealth with Children and Youth, but not as foster parents. I know there's a lot of red tape, but it's definitely something I want to consider.

 

My thoughts are these: I don't know if I can give up a baby once I'm attached, and I know that's the goal of fostering. I would be more than open in fostering a baby with special needs, as I'm sure that's a need probably out there. Sounds like I need to pray about it and talk with dh, and see if it's something I want to pursue!

 

Thanks so much!

Lisa

[Night Elf]

I find myself secretly hoping the vasectomy didn't work (he never went back for his follow-ups).

 

BTDT. I'm still hoping and it's been 10 years. I didn't get a choice on his vasectomy though. He didn't want anymore children and took a permanent step so it wouldn't happen. Over the years, my DH has repeatedly said he has no regrets. I'm almost certain I'll go to my dying day wishing he had not made that choice for us.

 

It's really hard, but it has gotten a little easier as the years have passed. I am 41 yrs. old and would absolutely positively have another baby if I could.

[babs]

DH had his V when our last baby was 2. I had very dangerous and difficult pregnancies with all 4 (bedrest, c section, babies born with complications...) so my DH and I prayed and he felt a peace about it that I never shared. I think he is right that we can't have more, but I wanted to leave it in the Lord's hands. Perhaps I did by abiding by my DH's decision - never thought of that before! I do feel blessed. I am looking forward to holding my tiny baby grandchildren. I cannot believe that it is over so soon - the baby chapter. But I look forward to where we are heading both here and eternally. And I trust the Lord's providence that the chapter had to end at some point. For us it is 4 fab blessings. Count your blessing and not your regrets. Adoption would be cool someday too.

[RebeccaS]

Thank you wonderful ladies for your responses. I see the longing to love another baby is something not unique to me!

 

 

 

Rebecca, funny you should mention this. Just this morning I was on the Children and Youth website considering this!! We had temporary custody of a child for a year and dealth with Children and Youth, but not as foster parents. I know there's a lot of red tape, but it's definitely something I want to consider.

 

My thoughts are these: I don't know if I can give up a baby once I'm attached, and I know that's the goal of fostering. I would be more than open in fostering a baby with special needs, as I'm sure that's a need probably out there. Sounds like I need to pray about it and talk with dh, and see if it's something I want to pursue!

 

Thanks so much!

Lisa

 

It is hard, no doubt. I still get sniffly when I think about our last girl. We all miss her. She was with us for 10 months and she fit in so well-like she was born here. She was considered special needs-she had major head trauma and required intense therapies (we went daily for a while there) and a surgery to replace her skull.

 

We now have a baby placed here. We got her at 2 days old. There is a chance this placement could go permanent, but she could also go home. I will miss her like crazy if she goes home. But, I'm enjoying having a baby again, that I'm willing to risk being too attached.

 

If you think you can handle becoming attached and letting go, I think it's a very rewarding choice. Oh and we only take in children younger than our own, so 2 and under here.

[Alison in KY]

I know this is personal, but I really need support. Dh had a vasectomy after our fifth baby three years ago. He didn't want anymore, and in my post-partum blues, I gave in. Nothing has really changed, dh thinks our family is big enough. But something is yearning in me. I thought it would pass, but I feel like I'm in such mourning over the fact I'll never have anymore children. I'm 38, I have five beautiful children, we have a busy life. Why am I doing this to myself? I have such a sadness, a deep yearning to hold another baby, to nurse another baby, to bring another life into our home.

 

Even if dh agreed, the cost of a reversal is not an option. I find myself secretly hoping the vasectomy didn't work (he never went back for his follow-ups).

 

I guess I feel dreadful regret over the permanency of our decision. I feel that's window's closed, and it hurts. Does anyone understand what I'm going through? How do you deal with the practical decision not to have any more children and the desire you feel in your heart?

 

Lisa

 

I could have written this, so I totally understand. I asked God to help me deal with this and take the pain away. That helped me out alot. I still hope mine will come around to adoption...or that his vasectomy will heal up and he'll be as good as new:001_smile:

[Desert Rat]

I always wanted one more but dh feels done. I understand your grieving. I feel bitter and angry and jealous when a friend has a baby. Then I feel guilty about having those negative feelings when I should be happy and joyful and supportive. Ugh. So, for now, I get tattoos instead of babies. Both are permanent, both "wreck" your body and tattoos are only a little less expensive. LOL I'm hoping these feelings will pass before I run out of suitable skin.

[Colleen in NS]

I know this is personal, but I really need support. Dh had a vasectomy after our fifth baby three years ago. He didn't want anymore, and in my post-partum blues, I gave in. Nothing has really changed, dh thinks our family is big enough. But something is yearning in me. I thought it would pass, but I feel like I'm in such mourning over the fact I'll never have anymore children. I'm 38, I have five beautiful children, we have a busy life. Why am I doing this to myself? I have such a sadness, a deep yearning to hold another baby, to nurse another baby, to bring another life into our home.

 

Even if dh agreed, the cost of a reversal is not an option. I find myself secretly hoping the vasectomy didn't work (he never went back for his follow-ups).

 

I guess I feel dreadful regret over the permanency of our decision. I feel that's window's closed, and it hurts. Does anyone understand what I'm going through? How do you deal with the practical decision not to have any more children and the desire you feel in your heart?

 

Lisa

 

I understand. We stopped after two, because of a dangerous delivery of the 2nd, and risk in having a 3rd. I was very sad for many years. I've mostly gotten over it, though, after 8 1/2 years, and just enjoy snuggling the occasional baby that I can snag. And then there is my sister, who is just married two years, and I recently found out a secret of hers that she's been harbouring for years; she can't have children, and she ADORES kids. That threw things into perspective for me, the fact that I even *have* kids. There is no guarantee of more babies, despite what we might want.

Edited July 22, 2009 by Colleen in NS

[johnandtinagilbert]

is b/c I forced the issue of V. I had 4 dc in four years and 3 weeks. I was constantly pregnant and/or nursing and I was very exhausted from all of it. Dh came home to 2 stacks on his dresser. One with details of V and the other of tubal. I told him to pick. He didn't want either, but I pushed and pushed and pushed until he agreed (only to shut me up, not b/c he wanted it).

 

After he finally said okay, he'll get the V, we found out I was pregnant with #5. I was a shocked mess and unfortunately didn't get God's hint that He had other plans for us. After #5 was born, dh went through with the V and we have never recovered. Although dh doesn't bring it up, he has talked to me before and told me he deeply regrets it and felt forced by my hand.

 

Once the others were a bit older, I regretted it too. If I could turn back time, I'd probably have 2 more dc right now.

 

Reversal is not an option for us. No $$$.

 

I sometimes deal with the guilt for taking away siblings for my dc. My dds want a baby in our house Sooo badly. I am so sorry for taking that chance away.

 

You are not alone in this. I wish I would have taken counsel from older friends. For us, a terrible mistake. May we both find peace.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[bigdogs29906]

:grouphug:

 

I am in the same position. The grand plan was that we would not have any more bio children and instead we would foster/adopt.

 

Unfortunately, our plan has not really gone off accordingly. And I am still hurting about not having another child. For me, I don't really need to be pregnant or have a newborn ~ but I desperately want to grow our family. It just isn't unfolding the way I had envisioned.

 

I understand the grief. And I too, have whispered nighttime prayers for a miraculous healing of those little tubes! I only need one of those guys to make it through!

[KidsHappen]

I put my foot down and told my hubby he either had to have the V or give up the baby making activities. He grudgingly gave in and then there was about a two year period of time when I badly wanted another baby. My hubby being the darling that he is was going to have the reversal even though he didn't really want anymore but I was getting on in years and we knew the odds and risks weren't good so I toughed it out. Eventually the feeling went away. A grandbaby helps though. :001_smile: So sorry you are going through this. I remember have painful it can be. :grouphug:

[Christine]

 

I guess I feel dreadful regret over the permanency of our decision. I feel that's window's closed, and it hurts. Does anyone understand what I'm going through? How do you deal with the practical decision not to have any more children and the desire you feel in your heart?

 

Lisa

 

Yes.

 

Before we got married, I told DH it was very important to me to have many children. I even gave the number of 6.

 

After two he got a vas. (like the very month of #2's birth)

 

Then, he got a reversal and we had 2 more

 

and after #4 (the very month) he had another vas.

 

I keep telling myself that he was young before we were married and lacking experience he didn't know what he was saying when he said he would be happy with lots of kids too. . .

 

Problem is, I *knew* what I wanted and had broken up with a number of guys who knew that large families weren't for them.

 

I've yet to find peace with this, but I pray that you will.

[babysparkler]

:grouphug:

 

Lisa,

 

I feel like I could have written that post myself. My dh basically made the decision and took me along for my signature at 6wks pp. He was completely at the end of his rope, so only a heartless person could deny him the signature that would bring him out of the downward spiral. I didn't have any ppd, but it did give me what I call "post-vasectomy depression" whenever I think about it. I still feel like I am in mourning for what (or who) could have been (even 2 years after!). I did what was necessary for my dh's well being... and I deal with it every day by leaving it in God's hands. I know that He knows what is best for us and could very well "overcome" the obstacles if He has another child for us to raise.

 

I am very open with my dh about my feelings and regrets, and he is very understanding and an excellent listener. He even mentioned last night (after one of my mentions of it) that even though he really doesn't want another child, if something was to happen and the V didn't work that he would "eventually" (which for him means after a day of panic attacks and depression) come around to the idea and be happy and 100% excited.

 

You made a valiant and selfless decision to stand by your husband's side on this hard issue. One that may take years to heal... I pray that God will comfort you along the way... :grouphug:

[babysparkler]

I completely understand how you feel. My husband had a "V" when our 4th child was only 6 weeks old....and it was our 10th anniversary too. He felt that we needed to be "done" having children for financial reasons and because he was afraid of health issues for me. It's now been a little over 2 years. Just in the past two months or so have I started to feel some sense of peace over the permanency of this decision. My heart longs to be pregnant again; to hold a newborn in my arms; to nurture a brand new little soul...etc, etc. But, I know that God reigns supreme and that if He wanted, He would override any man-made decision. Somewhere in there, I felt that God was trying to teach me to be content with the four perfect little gifts He has given me and that I should focus on nurturing these children.

 

I pray that you will find peace and contentment.....but know that you are not alone.

 

(Wow, Jenn, our lives, and posts, are so similar!)

[Lovedtodeath]

DH has his scheduled. We have both mourned, but due to my health we have no choice. He has backed out of it twice, but getting pregnant again would be worse than death for me. DH was holding on to the fact that he is young and could remarry should something happen to me. Raising Jake has been such a challenge that he realizes he isn't as young as he thought he was.

 

A baby is a source of joy, love and comfort. We all have to stop having them at some point. Talking someone into having more children when they are not able to handle it wouldn't be a good idea at all. Take it from a woman on the other side of the fence.

Edited July 22, 2009 by Lovedtodeath

[MOM24WONDERS]

Those that are interested in having a vasectomy or tubal reversal, but can't afford it - please check into this wonderful ministry - www.thelordsheritage.com They have funded our TR and we are going in August or September (hopefully) to have it done. We could NOT be more thrilled.

 

They are an awesome ministry and have helped so many people.

 

Hey, even if you don't need/want one, still donate to this wonderful cause ;)

[KingM]

How can people not afford a vasectomy reversal but can afford another child? Do the math. Even if you feed that kid nothing but ramen and never visit a dentist in your life, it will cost many multiples of a vasectomy reversal.

[Night Elf]

How can people not afford a vasectomy reversal but can afford another child? Do the math. Even if you feed that kid nothing but ramen and never visit a dentist in your life, it will cost many multiples of a vasectomy reversal.

 

You are comparing a reversal cost paid as a one time fee and the costs of raising a child over 18 years. I don't know any parents personally who had the cash needed for 18 years of childhood at the time the baby was born.

 

My insurance won't pay for a reversal because it's cosmetic. According to a vasectomy reversal website, "In the United States, vasectomy reversal prices, on average are US $10,000." Since my insurance will pay for having a baby, my total cost would only be $100.

 

About 5 years ago, I was looking at doctors that performed vasectomy reversals and the prices were between $5000 and $7500. Another factor to consider is that not all reversals result in pregnancy.

[Hockey Mom]

I had a tubal after my last child. I had to have back-to-back c/sections so I figured I would be the one to take that step. There are times when I have regretted it. I get "baby fever" and wonder "what if". When those times come along I just spend more time with the children I have. I'm fortunate though, my oldest is 17 and not too far away from starting a family herself (please God, let it be in about 10 years though!). So I know my time to hold a new baby will be here soon enough. And this time, I won't have to be sleep-deprived! LOL

 

My thoughts and prayers are with you as you sort all of this out. :)

[KingM]

About 5 years ago, I was looking at doctors that performed vasectomy reversals and the prices were between $5000 and $7500. Another factor to consider is that not all reversals result in pregnancy.

 

I'm not saying that people should rush out and get reversals, but if 5-7K puts a heart-aching need out of reach, then you either can't afford another child or you don't want it badly enough. But who knows, I probably spend 5,000+ per child per year while there are people on this board who seem to get by on very small sums of money.

[Night Elf]

I'm not saying that people should rush out and get reversals, but if 5-7K puts a heart-aching need out of reach, then you either can't afford another child or you don't want it badly enough. But who knows, I probably spend 5,000+ per child per year while there are people on this board who seem to get by on very small sums of money.

 

Wow, I find your attitude and judgement very sad indeed. I completely disagree with you and I don't think anything else I could possibly say could get you to understand any other point of view besides your own.

[MamaAkins]

(Wow, Jenn, our lives, and posts, are so similar!)

 

 

And our children are almost the same ages---just reversed genders. I have 3 girls and 1 boy (with the boy being the 2nd born).

[KingM]

Wow, I find your attitude and judgement very sad indeed. I completely disagree with you and I don't think anything else I could possibly say could get you to understand any other point of view besides your own.

 

All I'm saying is that 5,000 dollars is a small sum of money when compared to the cost of raising a child. If you can't afford the reversal, how do you afford the child?

 

Seriously, won't most home schoolers spend more than this on the cost of home schooling over the course of a few years? And this says nothing about food, clothing, etc.

[Hockey Mom]

All I'm saying is that 5,000 dollars is a small sum of money when compared to the cost of raising a child. If you can't afford the reversal, how do you afford the child?

 

Seriously, won't most home schoolers spend more than this on the cost of home schooling over the course of a few years? And this says nothing about food, clothing, etc.

 

I think the difference is, $5k up-front, all at once for a reversal, versus the many more dollars you spend on a child over the course of raising him/her. I don't know many families who could drop that kind of money in one swoop, but yet, they can still afford to clothe, feed, care, educate their children fine. It's money spend over time which makes it more affordable. I hope that makes sense.

[KingM]

I think the difference is, $5k up-front, all at once for a reversal, versus the many more dollars you spend on a child over the course of raising him/her. I don't know many families who could drop that kind of money in one swoop, but yet, they can still afford to clothe, feed, care, educate their children fine. It's money spend over time which makes it more affordable. I hope that makes sense.

 

I understand that, but look, how important is this? If it really is an all-consuming ache, you could pay for it in a few months of working temp jobs on weekends or nights, or by sending the kids to PS for a single year while you work, or by saving two hundred a month for two years, which you would have probably been paying for a new kid anyway. We're not talking 50,000. It's a workable sum.

 

Again, I'm not saying people should run out and reverse their vasectomies, but if it's important, I don't see the money as being an insurmountable problem.

[Lovedtodeath]

 

I'm not saying that people should rush out and get reversals, but if 5-7K puts a heart-aching need out of reach, then you either can't afford another child or you don't want it badly enough. But who knows, I probably spend 5,000+ per child per year while there are people on this board who seem to get by on very small sums of money.

I spent $10,000+ on pregnancy and child birth.

[Night Elf]

I understand that, but look, how important is this? If it really is an all-consuming ache, you could pay for it in a few months of working temp jobs on weekends or nights, or by sending the kids to PS for a single year while you work, or by saving two hundred a month for two years, which you would have probably been paying for a new kid anyway. We're not talking 50,000. It's a workable sum.

 

Again, I'm not saying people should run out and reverse their vasectomies, but if it's important, I don't see the money as being an insurmountable problem.

 

And what is your advice on a family who does this hard work and saving to have the reversal done, only to be one of the unsuccessful ones? Reversal is not a guarantee for pregnancy.

 

I guess I should say that I'm in a different boat from the OP anyway. She implied that if they did have the money, they'd have it done. My DH does not feel that way. I have to live with the all-consuming ache. Or, I could follow the advice of a few women, divorce my husband and marry another one who can get me pregnant. I would feel like a female version of Henry VIII, only I wouldn't kill off somebody. :)

 

To the OP: :grouphug: It's not a perfect world. We all learn to deal with it, even the very wealthy who think they can buy their way out of everything.

[Kelli in TN]

I grieved for several years after our decision to stop having babies. I agreed with the vas, as pregnancies were getting so much harder for me. But I grieved anyway.

 

I found that time, and tons of prayer, helped me let go of that and learn to enjoy the here and now without regrets. I can honestly say that God has lifted all that regret and grief from my heart.

[KingM]

And what is your advice on a family who does this hard work and saving to have the reversal done, only to be one of the unsuccessful ones? Reversal is not a guarantee for pregnancy.

 

Well, that's a good point. I don't know. I guess it just comes down to how strongly you feel about it and whether or not your spouse is on board.

 

I had a vasectomy and it was largely at my wife's urging. She was ready after three and I had to talk her into the last child. The last pregnancy nearly ended in total disaster, so when it turned out just fine I was feeling so relieved that I didn't give the thought of trying yet again any thought. Yet after I had the vasectomy, I felt glum for a couple of months, so I can understand where this post is coming from.

 

On the other hand, my sister and her husband have been unable to conceive. They were very fortunate to adopt a beautiful baby girl who they love dearly, but I also know they suffered a lot of heartache being unable to conceive.

 

So I think I would try to feel fortunate even if I did feel the strong need for a reversal. (Hi, honey! Don't worry! :) )

[Joy at Home]

I understand that, but look, how important is this? If it really is an all-consuming ache, you could pay for it in a few months of working temp jobs on weekends or nights, or by sending the kids to PS for a single year while you work, or by saving two hundred a month for two years, which you would have probably been paying for a new kid anyway. We're not talking 50,000. It's a workable sum.

 

Again, I'm not saying people should run out and reverse their vasectomies, but if it's important, I don't see the money as being an insurmountable problem.

 

 

Yes, a very reasoned argument, indeed. When looking at the issue from your apparent one dimensional, financial standpoint, it makes sense. As usual, your response lacks heart and depth, however. I don't think any of my children want for anything of real value or worth. However, because we are not in a position to pay for a medical procedure does not mean that we would not be able to provide for ALL our children's needs, of which money is only part.

 

Thanks for "contributing".

 

Lisa

[KingM]

However, because we are not in a position to pay for a medical procedure does not mean that we would not be able to provide for ALL our children's needs, of which money is only part.

 

 

I'm sorry, I think you're right. On rereading your original post, the financial issue is only one part of what you're going through. As someone who is also 38 and my last child has passed out of the baby stage that I love so much, I should have been more sympathetic. :(

 

I was arguing about the cost of having a baby the same way I do when a friend says, "Well, I really, really want to go to Paris, but I can't afford it," and that was inappropriate for this situation.

[freeindeed]

I know this is personal, but I really need support. Dh had a vasectomy after our fifth baby three years ago. He didn't want anymore, and in my post-partum blues, I gave in. Nothing has really changed, dh thinks our family is big enough. But something is yearning in me. I thought it would pass, but I feel like I'm in such mourning over the fact I'll never have anymore children. I'm 38, I have five beautiful children, we have a busy life. Why am I doing this to myself? I have such a sadness, a deep yearning to hold another baby, to nurse another baby, to bring another life into our home.

 

Even if dh agreed, the cost of a reversal is not an option. I find myself secretly hoping the vasectomy didn't work (he never went back for his follow-ups).

 

I guess I feel dreadful regret over the permanency of our decision. I feel that's window's closed, and it hurts. Does anyone understand what I'm going through? How do you deal with the practical decision not to have any more children and the desire you feel in your heart?

 

Lisa

 

:grouphug:

I've been in your shoes, except my dh regretted his vasectomy, too. We both wanted another child, and we prayed about whether to do the reversal or adopt. Well, as you can see from my signature, we chose to adopt. I don't know if that's an option for you, but I'm praying that you find peace in whatever happens.

[Joy at Home]

I'm sorry, I think you're right. On rereading your original post, the financial issue is only one part of what you're going through. As someone who is also 38 and my last child has passed out of the baby stage that I love so much, I should have been more sympathetic. :(

 

I was arguing about the cost of having a baby the same way I do when a friend says, "Well, I really, really want to go to Paris, but I can't afford it," and that was inappropriate for this situation.

 

Thanks:001_smile:. I PM'd you.

 

Blessings,

Lisa

[herbalgirl]

Wow, this post hit me... I am pg with our fifth. My oldest just turned 7. I feel SO achy and miserable w/this pg (could be because I am in stinkin' hot and humid FL...!). I feel overwhelmed as it is. Dh and I have talked about it and feel we should stop at 5.

 

I have 3 boys, 1 girl and this baby is also a girl, so we've given away all of the small boy clothes (even that was a little hard to do!)...

 

I don't know why it is so hard. I am sort of sad to think of this stage as becoming over, but then, as others have posted, it has to end at some point. One woman has 12 children, and she still has an ache for more! Does it ever end? That is what makes me feel like even if we did NOT have the "v", that I would still go through this grieving process once menopause hit.

 

:grouphug: I feel for you. I know God created us with these feelings, but it doesn't make it any easier, does it?

[Lovedtodeath]

 

so we've given away all of the small boy clothes (even that was a little hard to do!)...

:grouphug: Me too! Lump in my throat, heart wrenching...

[EmeraldGirl]

Yes, I can totally related except i had the tubal b/c of health issues after 3 children. Now I am remarried and always wanted children w/ my husband. Still being young at 40 and my last child hs'g as a freshman, my husband and I considered foreign adoption. We looked into older children b/c my longing was more for a younger child and I didn't seem to have the desire for the baby stage. I really think that was from the Lord as my longing for a 4th child turned into adopting a sibling group of 4 children at one time. Not my plan, but the Lord's, and they are very close in age, 4 children in exactly a 5 year span, all under 9 yrs old.

 

I am really enjoying parenting younger children again and feel extremely blessed by the opportunity the Lord provided in everyway, including the financial part which we used our car savings instead. I am so thankful to have the kids instead of a new car. And I am just starting to homeschool all over again.

 

Please pray. You never know what the Lord will have in store for you....either removing the feelings, strengthening you through the difficult times of sadness, or bringing an opportunity in a way never thought of yet.

[johnandtinagilbert]

I totally understand. Prayer and time is the answer you're looking for. Some may disagree, but I asked for forgiveness from the Lord and from dh (I pushed the issue). It helped. I have even repented to my children (the ones old enough to understand) b/c I believe I have taken siblings from them. In time, as the youngest grows out of diapers and baby toys, you'll grieve, but you'll be happy when independent stages come along and you'll not miss the physical commitment a baby requires. Prayer and time. :grouphug:

[Mrs Mungo]

My husband hasn't had a vasectomy. However, he definitely doesn't want any more kids. When my youngest was 3 my husband listed all of our baby stuff-crib, playpen, etc for sale on craigslist without telling. I had people calling asking "hey, I'm calling about the crib you have for sale" and I'd say "sorry, wrong number" until about the fourth person. That's when I called dh at work and found out he *had* listed it. That's really when I dealt with this issue.

 

I agree with Peela that it's part of being a grown up-you really cannot have everything you desire.

 

I also agree with Prudent that it's less that I want another baby and more that it would be nice to have that baby phase last a little longer.

[mominbc]

This is very familiar for me as well. After our 2nd child was born my husband had a vasectomy and I prayed he wouldn't go through with it but he did. I knew however that I could have protested more but his mind was made up and I didn't want to get pregnant if he wasn't 100 percent in agreement. I decided to pray instead, I released it to the Lord and secretly prayed for a change of heart for my husband and the money to fund a reversal( we could not afford it). After 6 years, God brought people in our lives who had had a reversal and I didn't have to say anything to my husband..God miraculously changed his heart and then this wonderful couple funded our reversal. We had 2 more beautiful little boys. I believe that God is big and if his will is for us to have more children it will happen, and God would provide even when we try to take matters into our own hands. I think it's harder when you've had a vasectomy because you almost mourn for the children we "could have had". It's been comforting to meet people who have never used birth control and have had only 2 children and another 4 children. It looks like this is all the children God would have for us and I still would love to have more so I am now rejoicing for the beautiful blessings I have and looking forward to seeing my kids grow up and bringing home the grandchildren...thankfully it doesn't end!!! I will be praying for you!