S/O unplanned pregnancy

[theresatwist]

Since we're talking about unplanned pregnancies, I was just wondering if your teenage got pregnant or got his girlfriend pregnant would you help (financially, but in other ways too) to support the baby?

 

I obviously hope that I am never in the situation, but if I were I absolutely would. It is very hard for teens to raise a child by themselves, especially if they stay in school. I believe staying in school is always the preferable route if folks are fortunate enough to have that choice.

[NorthwestMom]

I would absolutely help. The baby needs loving care, and the baby's parents will need a lot of guidance during their abrupt entry into adulthood.

[Orthodox6]

I would feel that NOT to help the baby would be wrong because it is not the baby's "fault". I would not, however, hold hullabaloo-joyful showers and parties, expecting extended family and friends to provide aid. I would try just to be loving and helpful in a quiet way, with hopes that the young parents would learn some valuable skills and life lessons. I would not be grabbing my gun for a shotgun wedding, either. Circumstances might warn against such a decision.

 

Since we're talking about unplanned pregnancies, I was just wondering if your teenage got pregnant or got his girlfriend pregnant would you help (financially, but in other ways too) to support the baby?

 

I obviously hope that I am never in the situation, but if I were I absolutely would. It is very hard for teens to raise a child by themselves, especially if they stay in school. I believe staying in school is always the preferable route if folks are fortunate enough to have that choice.

[Impish]

I honestly don't know what I'd do. Cry, absolutely. Pray, absolutely. Cry some more, yup. But as far as what I'd do, action wise, I sincerely don't know. I have no idea where we'll be financially, etc when my kids are teenagers, so I can't claim I'd do x,y, or z when its not a situation I'm actually in, and pray never to be in.

 

I've been the single mom. I want so much better for my kids and my grandchildren than to have to struggle and walk that path that I did. Nor would I want them to marry because of pregnancy...I'd rather they married strictly for love, rather than any sense of obligation or duty.

 

All that being said, I don't believe that any favours are done by the parents/grandparents paying for everything, and essentially raising the baby for the mom/dad. Choosing to be a parent comes with responsibility, and while I wouldn't want anyone dropping out of school to raise a baby, there should be some financial contribution, and the mentality of, "This is your baby." for the parent to care for, not the grandparent, after school/work is finished for the day.

[mommaduck]

I would feel that NOT to help the baby would be wrong because it is not the baby's "fault". I would not, however, hold hullabaloo-joyful showers and parties, expecting extended family and friends to provide aid. I would try just to be loving and helpful in a quiet way, with hopes that the young parents would learn some valuable skills and life lessons. I would not be grabbing my gun for a shotgun wedding, either. Circumstances might warn against such a decision.

:iagree:

[Veritaserum]

I would encourage exploration into the option of placing the baby for adoption if marriage is not a reasonable option. Parenthood has many challenges and I don't think most teenagers are up for meeting them. If my dd did choose keep the baby, I would help, but I would expect her to do most of the work as it would be her baby. :)

[Mommyof4ks]

I would help, but I would expect alot more from them than I would if they were a 'typical' teenager. They would need to get a job and finish school while caring for a baby. It would be a hard lesson to learn, but if you choose actions then consequence follow.

[MamaSheep]

I would encourage exploration into the option of placing the baby for adoption if marriage is not a reasonable option. Parenthood has many challenges and I don't think most teenagers are up for meeting them. If my dd did choose keep the baby, I would help, but I would expect her to do most of the work as it would be her baby. :)

:iagree:

[Pamela H in Texas]

I think that there is good helping and enabling helping.

 

I was a pregnant teenager. I changed schools and attended the pregnancy and parenting class. I have to tell you that those with the most "helpful" parents were spoiled and had a MUCH harder time in the long run. They struggled to take care of their own children. They whined about how hard things were. They took advantage of others. They didn't learn good responsibility. They had issues with relationships. The consequences of the grandparent decisions were troublesome and problematic for YEARS.

 

I'm GLAD my parents set things up that *I* was the parent of my own child. I'm glad they didn't make things too easy on me. I'm glad I dealt with the consequences of my choices.

 

"Helping" can be good or bad. Where I lived, parents were really good about helping inappropriately and then wondering why it went so wrong.

 

I REALLY don't think it benefited the baby in the long run.

 

Maybe I had some things MUCH harder. And I most certainly didn't get to stay in my extra curriculars (dance, orchestra, softball, Latin, etc) or party my way through senior year. But I really appreciate that my parents limited their "help." I think that was really the best.

 

Sooooooooooooooo.....would I help? Sure. But I wouldn't enable. The consequence to getting pregnant and keeping the child is complex and encompassing. My teen would have to deal with that. And in the end, if I can do it as well as my mom and stepdad, I really believe my teen and grandbaby will benefit much better.

 

In a parenting thread recently, there was talk of the child prefering punishment over other consequences. Oh, I'm POSITIVE that the teens I went to school with LIKED that also. A couple months of grounding, a few lectures, and it was done. But was that REALLY best for them or their babies? Would thigns have turned out better for them long term had they had to deal with real consequences? I think so. So just as my kids have logical consequences (and natural when appropriate) rather than just getting the punishment over with, they also would have to deal with the consequences of their choices in this type of situation.

 

JMO....I really think parents MUST stop saving their kids from logical and natural consequences in order for kids to REALLY learn and grow.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

I would encourage exploration into the option of placing the baby for adoption if marriage is not a reasonable option. Parenthood has many challenges and I don't think most teenagers are up for meeting them. If my dd did choose keep the baby, I would help, but I would expect her to do most of the work as it would be her baby. :)

 

:iagree:

 

My mother was a teenage mother. She had my brother a week after her 17th birthday. She was having morning sickness and the family doctor treated her for the flu:lol::lol:.

 

Once the pregnancy was diagnosed, she and my father marched down to the Justice of the Peace and got married and my dad got a job. They lived in my grandmother's basement for a year until they could get out on their own. My mom looked after her baby, washed the cloth diapers, fed him.

 

Today's teenage moms have parents that enable them to continue to be teenagers by providing childcare, shelter and funds. I know one 70 something year old man who is raising his great-grand daughter so his grand daughter can "have a life" which includes staying out all night and partying and spending her income on herself. His wife has been effectively "widowed" by this situation. She goes on trips alone because he can't leave the baby with its mother... I often wonder what will happen when this man dies.

 

Sometimes, the baby's daddy sticks around....

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/06/26/AR2009062602533.html

 

It's very sad for the future generations to be raised with all this instability.

 

-k.

[theresatwist]

I would feel that NOT to help the baby would be wrong because it is not the baby's "fault". I would not, however, hold hullabaloo-joyful showers and parties, expecting extended family and friends to provide aid. I would try just to be loving and helpful in a quiet way, with hopes that the young parents would learn some valuable skills and life lessons. I would not be grabbing my gun for a shotgun wedding, either. Circumstances might warn against such a decision.

 

 

I also feel that it would be wrong not to help because it is not the baby's fault. However, I think with a teenager I would also feel that it is my responsibility to help because that teenager is still my child. The teenager is my child when she makes a good decision and the teenager is equally my child when she makes a poor one. I believe that a teenager is still a child. Their brains have not yet reached adult levels of maturity. Of course, I would expect my teen to take on a tremendous level of responsibility both in terms of money and care.

[Greta]

I would feel that NOT to help the baby would be wrong because it is not the baby's "fault". I would not, however, hold hullabaloo-joyful showers and parties, expecting extended family and friends to provide aid. I would try just to be loving and helpful in a quiet way,

 

I would offer to help my dd in any way that I was capable of, whether helping to raise the child or supporting her through giving it up for adoption, but hopefully NOT having to support her through an abortion because I don't think I could take that. And while I would not expect anyone else (except the father and his family!) to provide aid, if my dd decided to raise her baby herself, I WOULD hold a hullabaloo-joyful shower or party for her! A child coming into the world is a cause for a celebration in a woman's life, even if it's happening under less-than-ideal circumstances. I've heard from a young woman who described how painful it was when she was six months pregnant that everyone at a social gathering she attended was congratulating the wedded mother-to-be who was also pregnant, while looking at her with pity and shame because she was unmarried. In a world where abortion is so common, I think that women who carry babies to term under those kinds of conditions are nothing less than heroes, and deserve a big party! :001_smile:

[lionfamily1999]

I would try desperately to convince the teens to allow us (or someone else) to adopt the child, but yes, I would care for them regardless. I am sure there would be a lot of things to work out and they would have to grow up really quickly, but we would do it.

:iagree: Except that I would not try deperately, I would offer, once, but let them know the offer stands. The only reason I say that is (btdt) it can sometimes come as a threat (just let me adopt the baby, I WANT to adopt the baby, becomes, I want your baby).

 

I would try very hard to be a matter-of-fact as possible too. They are going to be emotional enough, without me blubbering and wailing.

 

It's so hard, and I hope this is never an issue for us.

[PineFarmMom]

:iagree:

 

 

It's very sad for the future generations to be raised with all this instability.

 

-k.

 

 

I do agree with that. I would definitely assist my child if they were in that situation, but I would pray hard that I wouldn't do it in an enabling sort of way.

[vettechmomof2]

yes, I would help.

[Pamela H in Texas]

there is a couple in our congregation raising their grandchild's children. They basically are keeping the older one who is like 4 now. They keep hoping to give the baby back, but that seems unlikely from what I can tell.

 

This just seems like a BAD situation. There is NO WAY these people are going to live long enough to raise these children. And there is no way that it's right for anyone for them to try.

 

I really feel for these girls when things go haywire with the grandparents just can't do it anymore.

[LoriM]

At the ages my girls are now, we'd certainly help as necessary. If they were any younger, we'd probably raise the child ourselves...but they are now young adults, and could handle anything life throws at them with grace and aplomb.

[Renee in NC]

Since we're talking about unplanned pregnancies, I was just wondering if your teenage got pregnant or got his girlfriend pregnant would you help (financially, but in other ways too) to support the baby?

 

I obviously hope that I am never in the situation, but if I were I absolutely would. It is very hard for teens to raise a child by themselves, especially if they stay in school. I believe staying in school is always the preferable route if folks are fortunate enough to have that choice.

 

Yes. I had a baby as a teen and had very little family support. I hope that I could do better if one of my dc ended up in the same situation.

 

ETA: I would also not try to convince them to put the child up for adoption.

Edited July 14, 2009 by Renee in FL

[Danestress]

If your child has a baby before 18, you are responsible for that child support.

 

So yes, if my son got a girl pregnant before that time, I would have been legally responsible for either the care of that child or for paying his share of child support.

 

I disagree about the party. New members of our family are greeted with a baby shower. If someone doesn't want to come because they don't approve of the new life, their choice. I would ask the Mom if I could host a shower (or my sister would, I guess) and there would be bells and whistles. There are enough hard times ahead, and I would want that girl to know that we were prepared for joy. I would expect the people who love me to love my grandchild regardless of the circumstances of his or her birth.

 

But financial support is different. Being poor is just a fact of life for many many people. If my son (now 21) got his current girlfriend pregnant, I would help him finish his last year of college. But that would be "help" not "provide a great lifestyle." And later, I guess my son would be poor because he would be working his job and either paying a lot of child support or going home to a wife and baby (or, help me God, a live-in-girlfriend and baby) and there would not ever be enough financially. He is unlikely to be a high income earner.

 

That would be hard, and it wouldn't be my job to fix it. I would provide little extras, would help with crisis, and would provide a lot of free babysitting, but I wouldn't feel it's my job to prop up a lifestyle that they chose through their own actions.

[Jill- OK]

I would offer to help my dd in any way that I was capable of, whether helping to raise the child or supporting her through giving it up for adoption, but hopefully NOT having to support her through an abortion because I don't think I could take that. And while I would not expect anyone else (except the father and his family!) to provide aid, if my dd decided to raise her baby herself, I WOULD hold a hullabaloo-joyful shower or party for her! A child coming into the world is a cause for a celebration in a woman's life, even if it's happening under less-than-ideal circumstances. I've heard from a young woman who described how painful it was when she was six months pregnant that everyone at a social gathering she attended was congratulating the wedded mother-to-be who was also pregnant, while looking at her with pity and shame because she was unmarried. In a world where abortion is so common, I think that women who carry babies to term under those kinds of conditions are nothing less than heroes, and deserve a big party! :001_smile:

 

I've given this topic quite a bit of thought, actually. I fervently hope that none of my daughters would ever find themselves in a position like this, but if they did, I most certainly would help. I'll echo the other poster who said that a teen is still YOUR child, and their decisions, good and bad, have to be dealt with as YOUR responsibility, too.

 

Personal beliefs would preclude me from encouraging a teen to give up a baby to non-family members for adoption. If she was absolutely adamant about not raising the child, I'd adopt the baby, myself. I would help a daughter (or a girl pregnant with a child of one of my sons) financially, to an extent. (I wouldn't just blindly give money, but would help within certain conditions, in certain ways). My children always have a home here, if they're willing to follow a few key rules, no matter how old they are.

 

I'd also celebrate this new life. Baby showers are for the baby. It's not a reward for bad behavior, it's a celebration of a blessed event, IMO.

 

But...I have testy opinions on this issue. My parents were teens. And if my grandparents hadn't exercised some tough love, and been merciful and seen my existence as partially their responsibility, too...my life would have been drastically different, I have no doubt. (We lived close to them and they helped raise me for most of my younger life, and then I lived with them, full time, from the age of twelve until eighteen).

Edited July 14, 2009 by Jill, OK

[Orthodox6]

Thank you for filling in with the rest of what I accidentally omitted !

 

I also feel that it would be wrong not to help because it is not the baby's fault. However, I think with a teenager I would also feel that it is my responsibility to help because that teenager is still my child. The teenager is my child when she makes a good decision and the teenager is equally my child when she makes a poor one. I believe that a teenager is still a child. Their brains have not yet reached adult levels of maturity. Of course, I would expect my teen to take on a tremendous level of responsibility both in terms of money and care.

[Jill- OK]

I think that there is good helping and enabling helping.

 

JMO....I really think parents MUST stop saving their kids from logical and natural consequences in order for kids to REALLY learn and grow.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Audrey]

Since we're talking about unplanned pregnancies, I was just wondering if your teenage got pregnant or got his girlfriend pregnant would you help (financially, but in other ways too) to support the baby?

 

I obviously hope that I am never in the situation, but if I were I absolutely would. It is very hard for teens to raise a child by themselves, especially if they stay in school. I believe staying in school is always the preferable route if folks are fortunate enough to have that choice.

 

 

I would not help them financially. I would not be free baby-sitting either. I would, however, kick my son's behind into gear and make him take FULL responsibility for that child and its mother. That means, getting a job or jobs to support them, getting a decent place to live and raise the child.

 

If you're going to _________ like a man, then you better darn well own up and BE a man.

 

Harsh, perhaps, but life is tough that way.

[Orthodox6]

I see I'm receiving flack for my "no party" remark. The rebuttals contain some wise thoughts.

 

It is not "politically correct" to write what I did. I also agree outright with the poster who noted the ugly hypocrisy of congratulations bestowed on a heavily-pregnant bride, yet none bestowed on an unmarried young woman. The problem is the hypocrisy, not the pregnancies, in that case.

 

A teen pregnancy of the type under discussion is a type of "mistake", whether it be of judgment, or whatever. Providing ongoing love and practical support for all involved is required and right, I believe. Where I'm coming from with the "no party" is the viewpoint that actions have consequences, some good, some less so. One "trade-off" of the scenario we are discussing is that the customary social round of "congratulations !" parties and celebrations are not part of this "package". That is to say, it is not part of the "package" for a traditional Christian worldview. The parents and baby can receive the love, care, guidance, and support which last for a lifetime. Parties are enjoyable, but non-essential. I have seen a number of instances where a teen carelessly became pregnant, did not learn a thing from the experience, bragged about her situation, and carried on with parties and frivolity just as if responsibilities were irrelevant.

 

All of us who post to threads write from within our own worldviews. Let's continue to honor each other's freedom to do that. We [group] do a pretty good job of that, I feel.

Edited July 14, 2009 by Orthodox6

[swellmomma]

My big kids know that if they became parents at an early age I would support them, either by helping them take the steps necessary to be self-sufficient and able to raise their child, or by raising the child myself. I of course do not want them becoming teen parents, but will do everything possible to make sure that having a child young did not make everything else in their life come to a crashing halt.

 

I know that my mom kicking me out the minute I found out I was pg caused a long list of additional issues that did not need to occur. If she had let me live at home, and take the steps needed to get on my feet rather than giving me mere minutes to pack a suitcase I know that certain things in my life would not have occured, and my life and that of my children would be much better. I will not do that to my kids if they are ever faced with this.

Edited July 14, 2009 by swellmomma

[Jill- OK]

I tried to do what everyone else is doing, and simply address from my own perspective/outlook...I wouldn't want anyone to feel that I'm attacking them, but I do stand by what I believe.

 

One "trade-off" of the scenario we are discussing is that the customary social round of "congratulations !" parties and celebrations are not part of this "package". That is to say, it is not part of the "package" for a traditional Christian worldview.

 

Hmm...well, I consider myself very much a traditional Christian, and my pro-life beliefs are one reason I would celebrate. I think we can have a lot of variety within Christianity, outside of what the Bible clearly teaches/states, and this is just one example. I would feel that I wasn't living up to my worldview (not addressing anyone else's--just stating what my own conscience tells me) if I did anything other than celebrate a new life, no matter how it was conceived.

 

(Just one woman's opinion, and respectfully submitted, hopefully with no hard feelings. Absolutely none, here; I respect that there are lots of differing opinions on this issue, and we're in agreement in the most important parts, I believe.)

[Audrey]

I see I'm receiving flack for my "no party" remark. The rebuttals contain some wise thoughts.

 

It is not "politically correct" to write what I did. I also agree outright with the poster who noted the ugly hypocrisy of congratulations bestowed on a heavily-pregnant bride, yet none bestowed on an unmarried young woman. The problem is the hypocrisy, not the pregnancies, in that case.

 

A teen pregnancy of the type under discussion is a type of "mistake", whether it be of judgment, or whatever. Providing ongoing love and practical support for all involved is required and right, I believe. Where I'm coming from with the "no party" is the viewpoint that actions have consequences, some good, some less so. One "trade-off" of the scenario we are discussing is that the customary social round of "congratulations !" parties and celebrations are not part of this "package". That is to say, it is not part of the "package" for a traditional Christian worldview. The parents and baby can receive the love, care, guidance, and support which last for a lifetime. Parties are enjoyable, but non-essential. I have seen a number of instances where a teen carelessly became pregnant, did not learn a thing from the experience, bragged about her situation, and carried on with parties and frivolity just as if responsibilities were irrelevant.

 

All of us who post to threads write from within our own worldviews. Let's continue to honor each other's freedom to do that. We [group] do a pretty good job of that, I feel.

 

FWIW, I agree with you about "no parties." No matter how sweet that baby is, the party isn't for the baby, it's for the mom -- and IMNSHO she (and her sex partner) made one big fat stupid mistake. Why in the world should that be honoured with a party???

 

If people wanted to give clothes, toys, etc. to help her then fine, but a party? No.

[Desert Rat]

Absolutely, I would support the baby and the girlfriend if need be. I hope though that I won't ever have to experience that.

[Orthodox6]

I don't have any hard feelings against anyone posting. But I will bow out now.

[Danestress]

It is not "politically correct" to write what I did.........

 

All of us who post to threads write from within our own worldviews. Let's continue to honor each other's freedom to do that. We [group] do a pretty good job of that, I feel.

 

My mother and aunts would have no concept of that and would span the spectrum of political views. I'm just saying that in *my* extended family, there would be a baby shower. There would be lots of hard consequences to face, but that just wouldn't be one of them. I figure the girl would need a lot of things anyway, and I think most members of my family would want to help regardless of the circumstances, and that would just be a chance to show the girl the kind of love we have as a family.

 

I hope that my disagreeing with you didn't make you feel like I failed to honor your freedom to handle things your own way. I was just adding my way to the mix.

[Kari C in SC]

Absolutely! My husband and I chose to get pregnant when we were 16 and 17. Yes, I know... not the smartest thing to do. My parents were WONDERFUL! Sure, my dad was really upset at first. They gave us a place to live while we went to college for a tiny $100 rent. They babysat while we were at school. They allowed me to stay home with my baby instead of having me and my dh work our butts off and get nowhere. When my dad passed away - because of the help they gave us - we were able to purchase the house they owned and help my mom out. She couldn't afford to keep it. If they had not helped, guided, supported us - we would not be where we are today. That baby we had is now a Proud Soldier serving our country in Iraq. God has always had a plan for him and he came at the perfect time.

[Supertechmom]

Well, after locking myself in the closet for a while and having a hissy fit of all time, I would figure out just what help would be necessary. This is part of the reason why now at their ages we go into details about don't have sex with someone unless you are ready for a baby. NO MATTER WHAT. Sex = baby. We even go as far as don't start having sex until you can work like Daddy and take care of someone like your momma and you ;) That normally gets adamant agreement. (and we do teach how not to get pregnant but it is not fool proof. having sex can and does lead to a baby even with the best of protection sometimes. ) Hopefully, they will remember that in the years to come. And seeing us go thru an unplanned pregnancy (baby #4 is a complete surprise since I was heading for a partial hysterectomy), they see that even married sex has consequences that you may not have wanted or planned on.

 

So after knowing that we had done lots of talk about not doing this sort of thing, dealing with it would be a major blow that I would have to deal with alone and out of sight till I got a grip. It is as someone said still my child who happened this time to make a poor decision. They need the same kind of treatment they have always gotten when they messed up.

 

And it would depend a lot on age as well. Under 18, I would not allow a marriage and would encourage adoption. A dna test would be ordered to ensure my son was the father.Legal steps would be taken to ensure his rights to the child. I know we would help provide for our grandchild. How? I'm not sure. Our sons would have to get jobs and figure out how to maintain school to improve their life, their kid's life and work (we both did so it can be done) We would help them see how to be a great dad even in this situation and make sure they had visitation with their child in which they would be single dad and all that entails. I would give a very toned down baby shower (really depending on the attitude of the child themselves) as I know friends who would want to give something but it wouldn't be the same as if they were married. I would help our daughter understand how to be a mother, how this baby is hers and depends on her for everything, good and bad. Helping her would probably entail more babysitting for free ( with the understanding that I am not the parent and would have a lot of the same requirements as daycare rules) while she worked on a career that would provide a life for a single mom and helping get her set up. ( i think a single mom has a more difficult path than a single dad does when it comes to jobs) But providing any kind of support that lets them still be a kid and "have a life" NOPE! having a child changes all that. The focus from then on is the welfare of that child. We all know how many times we take a back seat so our kids can have better. They would just learn that a lot sooner than they should have.

 

But a lot of it would be FOR ME to maintain my normal "I love you" no matter what and that this doesn't change our relationship. Here's the deal and here are the consequences of that deal and let's make the best of it as we can. i would still want to be friends with my child and not act in such a way that would damage our future relationship. So a lot of support would be for them to see the same mom they have always had and that even though this is huge goof, we're still okay. IT's still the same love and "discipline"(for lack of what else to call it) as always. I'll still claim 'em, still love them even though I am disappointed and upset over this mistake. Sigh!

[freeindeed]

Since we're talking about unplanned pregnancies, I was just wondering if your teenage got pregnant or got his girlfriend pregnant would you help (financially, but in other ways too) to support the baby?

 

I obviously hope that I am never in the situation, but if I were I absolutely would. It is very hard for teens to raise a child by themselves, especially if they stay in school. I believe staying in school is always the preferable route if folks are fortunate enough to have that choice.

 

Yes, I would. My parents helped me when I was an unwed teenage mom at the age of 16. With their help and support, I finished high school & graduated 4th in my class. Then I went to college and graduated magna cum laude. Then I met a wonderful man (who is now my husband) and he married me and adopted my ds17, who was 5 at the time. :)

[Kari C in SC]

 

I'm GLAD my parents set things up that *I* was the parent of my own child. I'm glad they didn't make things too easy on me. I'm glad I dealt with the consequences of my choices.

 

 

This is what my parents did. My mom gave me a Dear Abby article before I had my baby. The main point of it was a mom telling her pregnant teenage daughter that she would be there to help, provide advice, listen, etc. but this baby was her grandchild - not her child. That is exactly what my parents did. They let us be parents. We still had to pay bills, buy groceries, go to school, etc. We just didn't have sky high rent to deal with because they bought a house with an inlaw apartment and charged us $100 a month. That allowed my dh to go to school, work a minimum wage full time job and provide for us. If we had to rent a typical apartment, we would not have made it. They gave us a stepping stone and expected us to make good use of it. I would expect the same from my children.

[Kari C in SC]

I disagree about the party. New members of our family are greeted with a baby shower. If someone doesn't want to come because they don't approve of the new life, their choice. I would ask the Mom if I could host a shower (or my sister would, I guess) and there would be bells and whistles. There are enough hard times ahead, and I would want that girl to know that we were prepared for joy. I would expect the people who love me to love my grandchild regardless of the circumstances of his or her birth.

 

 

:iagree:

 

When you say there are enough hard times ahead - you nailed it. One month after I had my son, I turned 17. In that same month, my dad was diagnosed with Diabetic Neuropathy. He was literally crippled from pain. His health went terribly downhill. My family was hit hard. My mom always says that Timmy was sent to be a light for her. She would look to one side of the room and see her husband slowly dying before her eyes and then she would look the other side of the room and see a happy and healthy giggling baby. He brought joy to my dad. My dad loved this child like no other child. All babies are gifts from God and should be celebrated.

[BMW]

I didn't read all of the replies on this one... but, I recently went out for the day with my 19 yog and while we were running errands, we bought a pregnancy test for her... She isn't allowed to sleep with her boyfriend at my house, but things happened elsewhere...

 

That day I was kind and loving. I told her that if there was a baby growing inside her womb, that she needs to love it right away. She was ablsolutely receptive to that. We talked about options for adopting the baby out... us helping her if she chose to raise the baby herself...

 

For me, finding myself in that situation... I have no choice but to love my child and help my child love the baby inside...

[battlemaiden]

Yes.

[katemary63]

I would try desperately to convince the teens to allow us (or someone else) to adopt the child, but yes, I would care for them regardless. I am sure there would be a lot of things to work out and they would have to grow up really quickly, but we would do it.

 

I am like another poster...other then cry and pray, I'm not sure exactly what I would do. If my teen were in a loving, healthy relationship I would hope they would marry. ( Is there such a thing that young?) But I would NOT encourage them to marry if I thought they were too immature or bad for each other. ( Sounds dumb considering we're talking about teens, but I do know some wonderful people who married in their teens and have wonderful, successful marriages....not very many! But some.)

 

Outside of a loving marriage, I would hope that my teen would agree to let DH and I raise the baby. I think adoption is wonderful and am so proud of those who choose it, but I could not ever, ever let my own grandchild out of our family if I could possibly help it. I would grieve for that child for the rest of my life.

 

My least favorite solution would be for my teen to raise the baby on her own. A child is best cared for by 2 parents. ( not saying ANYTHING bad about single parents out there. It is just not BEST in my mind.) But I would be supportive if that is what she chose.

 

But in the end, I really have no idea what I would do and know that I would help in what ever way I thought was best for all. No enabling.

Edited July 14, 2009 by katemary63

[Kathy in MD]

I think that there is good helping and enabling helping........

 

 

 

Pamela,

 

What do you see as good helping vs enabling helping?

[HRAAB]

I would absolutely help in anyway I could to help my dd (no boys in my family) become a responsible parent including helping to raise the child so she could finish school, giving support, holding her hand. The end goal would be for her to be a good mother. I've never been there, but the one thing I don't believe I could ever do is support my dd in anyway if she chose to abort.

 

Janet

[Kathy in MD]

I'm puzzled by those who would be very against having the infant adopted, especially by non-family members. What are some of your reasons?

 

I still remember my surprise when a co-worker's dd became pregnant her freshman year in college and my co-worker said no way was her grandbaby going to be adopted. A year later, the grandchild was no longer fun, my co-worker wasn't helping as much and the dd dropped out of college. The extra sad fact was that this was the first member of my co-workers family ever to go to college.

[lionfamily1999]

I tried to do what everyone else is doing, and simply address from my own perspective/outlook...I wouldn't want anyone to feel that I'm attacking them, but I do stand by what I believe.

 

 

 

Hmm...well, I consider myself very much a traditional Christian, and my pro-life beliefs are one reason I would celebrate. I think we can have a lot of variety within Christianity, outside of what the Bible clearly teaches/states, and this is just one example. I would feel that I wasn't living up to my worldview (not addressing anyone else's--just stating what my own conscience tells me) if I did anything other than celebrate a new life, no matter how it was conceived.

 

(Just one woman's opinion, and respectfully submitted, hopefully with no hard feelings. Absolutely none, here; I respect that there are lots of differing opinions on this issue, and we're in agreement in the most important parts, I believe.)

I understand. I was a teen mom, I did not want a shower, no party, no presents, please. My best friend and her mother conspired to throw me a party. At best, it was akward. I was embarrassed and KNEW I did NOT deserve to have a celebration, I loved my daughter and felt a definite responsibility to do all I could to help her out, but having this outpouring of gifts and happiness... it was very difficult for me to deal with.

 

I would not throw a shower. Help would be welcome, gifts, etc, for the new baby, sure, but I could not stand to have a 'celebration' for something that is imo, a very humbling and embarrassing period in one's young life.

 

I would sit, for free even, if it meant that the parents could continue their education. I would buy things for the baby (I doubt I could help it) and I probably would enable to some extent. It would hurt me so badly to see my kids going through what I went through, I again, doubt I could help it.

 

I'm not even sure I could celebrate if they decided to marry, if only because I would be too busy grieving the might have beens.

[Greta]

I see I'm receiving flack for my "no party" remark.

 

I'm truly sorry if I came across that way. It really wasn't my intention. I was only sharing my feelings about the situation, and I should have been more careful about the way I presented so that I didn't come across as judging your feelings. My comments were colored by my own reaction to the other thread about abortion, and numerous other experiences. When a woman has an unplanned pregnancy, sometimes it almost seems as if she's ****ed if she does, and ****ed if she doesn't carry it to term. For me, part of my becoming pro-life has included a very passionate conviction that women deserve unconditional support in their mothering. That is all I meant to express, certainly not to put anyone else's views down. I humbly apologize.

[Pamela H in Texas]

What do you see as good helping vs enabling helping?

 

SOME would, of course, depend on the people involved. But...

 

My parents were supportive. I lived the pregnancy and first 5 months of my daughter's life with them. I was not kicked out. My mom and I went garage saling together for stuff for the baby. My (step)dad painted and set up the crib we bought. My mom paid the first installment on my medical care but it was my responsibility to pay the rest by the time I was 7 months. My parents were not mean, hateful, etc. They had opinions but expressed them appropriately. My mom felt for me and what I went through but didn't save me from it. She gifted me with time, opportunity, etc but I didn't have built in babysitters so I could run all over creation. They didn't pay everything for me. I fed and diapered my own kid. *I* got up in the middle of the night.

 

Some of these girls? Played basketball for the school after childbirth. They went out to parties regularly. Their parents bought EVERYTHING plus some for the new mom and baby. Their brothers had to start sharing a room so the baby had a full nursery. They didn't have to take care of their baby except as one would a doll, when they felt like it. They didn't go to work. They fiddlefarted through 7 years of college. They lived off mom and dad. They had the best of everything.

 

Really? These girls, materially, had more for themselves as "mom" and their babies than most 20somethings could possibly have when doing it right.

 

And so they took advantage. Why go home if mom will pick your kid up from daycare, feed and bathe her? Why not play two sports in high school after having a child? Why on earth would you get a job when your parents bought you a brand new car and diapers and and and? Why would you move out with your 5yr old when mom and dad foot the bill for everything? Why worry about when you'll finish college--hey, have fun and enjoy; mom and dad got things covered?

 

It stunted them in EVERY way. The school started providing divorce classes for students. Seems 17-22 yr old men can't provide like mom and dad. <sigh>

 

I'm just saying. I think that by letting me take responsibility, my parents helped me learn and grow. I still made plenty of mistakes, some of them I'm embarrassed of today. But I'm glad they were empathetic but not enabling. I'm glad I had to step up and be a parent all the way around. It made me a stronger better person. I'm GLAD I had my own place the last part of senior year (though waiting a few months would have been fine too). I'm GLAD I worked. I'm GLAD I bought my daughter's diapers the great majority of the time. I'm GLAD I drove a 10yr old vehicle and had garage sale OshKosh. I'm GLAD I took care of my own kid outside of time for school and work (though she went to work with me the first several months).

 

I would SO love my children and grandchildren, but I wouldn't give them the world. Like I said, I really think that saving kids, but especially teens and adults, from consequences is problematic and dangerous. It stunts them.

 

Of course, HOPEFULLY this is so a non-issue for us. I'm hoping that they make good choices. I see evidence that they have gained self-discipline and real life skills and have practiced them so that will be a great protection for them.

 

But in the end, they are responsible for their choices and *I* will not be taking on the responsibility for those choices. I can love and support them without enabling them. I love them too much to stunt their development like that. If they get in that situation, they need to grow up and raise their own kids, not spend even more time as irresponsible, immature ones.

Edited July 14, 2009 by 2J5M9K

[Mommyof4ks]

Thank you to the moms who offered up insight as a teen mom. I really hope never to be in the position of having to go through this with my kids, however I hope that if we ever deal with it that we can support our kids.

[Catherine]

My dh was the child of teenage parents. His grandmother housed him, then quickly afterward his brother and sister, plus his parents, in her tiny two bedroom house. The aftermath of his Dad's failure to grow up led to their later divorce. Also, to be honest, I think the deep shame associated with teen pregnancy made it much harder to move on and grow and parents and people, at least, to hear them tell it.

 

I would undoubtedly help my ds and his gf (quaking in my shoes here because this possibility is *definitely* more real than it used to be). But, I agree totally with Pam that it would have to be the right kind of help.

 

I wouldn't see his becoming a young father as a disaster, but, oddly enough, I'm pretty sure he would. There's nothing like that teenage sense of invincibility.

 

But to elaborate on the OP's question, we would absolutely help him to parent the child, or if they chose to adopt out the baby or end the pregnancy, I'd help him to cope with the feelings either decision would engender. We are pro-choice so I could live with him and gf choosing to end the pregnancy, though I would never, ever presume to push them toward any particular choice. Any baby would always be welcome here-as long as it was THEIR baby.

 

I think that an unplanned pregnancy is a growing up experience, regardless of the outcome. Sure, there are some women out there who are so hardened that they walk out of the abortionist's office and never look back, but those are few and far between in my experience.

[Saille]

I would help, but I would expect alot more from them than I would if they were a 'typical' teenager. They would need to get a job and finish school while caring for a baby. It would be a hard lesson to learn, but if you choose actions then consequence follow.

 

Yes this. I have always been frustrated watching good single parent friends try to make a go of it with severely limited funds, high priced, low quality childcare, unreliable transportation, etc.. In the spirit of community I'd be happy to provide some balance/support in such areas. However, I've also had the good fortune to share overlapping community with a large group of young mothers who made a deliberate choice to buck teen mom stereotypes and be powerful, engaged parents who provided support for each other. They set the bar high in the event that my babies start having babies. There would be no confusion about who was grandma and who was mommy (or daddy, for that matter).

[Tap]

Well, considering that we are raising my great-niece (dd2) I certainly hope that we would help raise/support a grandchild in need!

 

 

Since ds is 14, I would prefer to try and adopt the child myself, than to co-parent with two 14yo's and the girls parents! If the teens were closer to 18 and ready to move out or bear their bulk of the responsibility...I think I would feel different, but if asked would adopt the child.

[Kathy in MD]

SOME would, of course, depend on the people involved. But...

 

My parents were supportive. I lived the pregnancy and first 5 months of my daughter's life with them. I was not kicked out. My mom and I went garage saling together for stuff for the baby. My (step)dad painted and set up the crib we bought. My mom paid the first installment on my medical care but it was my responsibility to pay the rest by the time I was 7 months. My parents were not mean, hateful, etc. They had opinions but expressed them appropriately. My mom felt for me and what I went through but didn't save me from it. She gifted me with time, opportunity, etc but I didn't have built in babysitters so I could run all over creation. They didn't pay everything for me. I fed and diapered my own kid. *I* got up in the middle of the night.

 

Some of these girls? Played basketball for the school after childbirth. They went out to parties regularly. Their parents bought EVERYTHING plus some for the new mom and baby. Their brothers had to start sharing a room so the baby had a full nursery. They didn't have to take care of their baby except as one would a doll, when they felt like it. They didn't go to work. They fiddlefarted through 7 years of college. They lived off mom and dad. They had the best of everything.

 

Really? These girls, materially, had more for themselves as "mom" and their babies than most 20somethings could possibly have when doing it right.

 

And so they took advantage. Why go home if mom will pick your kid up from daycare, feed and bathe her? Why not play two sports in high school after having a child? Why on earth would you get a job when your parents bought you a brand new car and diapers and and and? Why would you move out with your 5yr old when mom and dad foot the bill for everything? Why worry about when you'll finish college--hey, have fun and enjoy; mom and dad got things covered?

 

It stunted them in EVERY way. The school started providing divorce classes for students. Seems 17-22 yr old men can't provide like mom and dad. <sigh>

 

I'm just saying. I think that by letting me take responsibility, my parents helped me learn and grow. I still made plenty of mistakes, some of them I'm embarrassed of today. But I'm glad they were empathetic but not enabling. I'm glad I had to step up and be a parent all the way around. It made me a stronger better person. I'm GLAD I had my own place the last part of senior year (though waiting a few months would have been fine too). I'm GLAD I worked. I'm GLAD I bought my daughter's diapers the great majority of the time. I'm GLAD I drove a 10yr old vehicle and had garage sale OshKosh. I'm GLAD I took care of my own kid outside of time for school and work (though she went to work with me the first several months).

 

I would SO love my children and grandchildren, but I wouldn't give them the world. Like I said, I really think that saving kids, but especially teens and adults, from consequences is problematic and dangerous. It stunts them.

 

Of course, HOPEFULLY this is so a non-issue for us. I'm hoping that they make good choices. I see evidence that they have gained self-discipline and real life skills and have practiced them so that will be a great protection for them.

 

But in the end, they are responsible for their choices and *I* will not be taking on the responsibility for those choices. I can love and support them without enabling them. I love them too much to stunt their development like that. If they get in that situation, they need to grow up and raise their own kids, not spend even more time as irresponsible, immature ones.

 

Thanks Pamela,

 

It's sometimes hard to know what is not enough and what is too much, though it does seem obvious that many of the parents of your classmates went overboard.

 

But it's very good to know what you found sufficient.

 

BTW, my ds when very young was dressed mostly in garage sale items even though we could afford to buy all that stuff new, including the brand names. I just couldn't see spending that sort of money for it new, and hitting the garage sales gave ds top quality clothing at much lower than cheap priced clothing. :D

[cassiemc]

Yes, I would. I wouldn't be happy about a teen pregnancy but I would make sure my child and grandchild are taken care of.