I am a failure as a parent....

[Love2Smile]

Last night I truly concluded that I am a failure as a parent. At least to my older daughter. She will be 15 in December. (3 years from 18 as my husband puts it), and she acts like she is 9. She is very immature, spoiled and addicted to video games and the internet. I DID this! I never set boundries. I never taught her responsibility or chores. Now I am paying the piper.

I always thought it was easier to just let her have her way than debate or *train* her. It was how I was raised, but I never was spoiled or addicted to video games, didn't have them back then.

 

She has no desire to do anything else and is rather anti-social.

 

I have barely slept. I don't know what to do. I feel like I need a parenting manual or something for her. I wish I could go back in time, and start all over again with her. Never bring the video games into the house, never bring the junk food into the house. (I have that problem too).

 

I have to *train her* today. As of last night every single video game is gone, the PS3 is put away, and she has no access to the internet.

 

Now, what do I do? When she is around girls her age she does not know how to act. and she was public schooled up till 6th grade and then only home for 2 years and spent 8th grade again in public school, so I know homeschooling is NOT the problem.

 

I am sickened about how I raised her. I don't have a discipline problem and she does not back talk me. (Thank God), but how do I teach her to be more mature? How do I get her interested in anything at all besides videos and YOUtube video making?

 

I worry about her future. I worry about her alot.

 

My dh says to buckle down and give her household responsibilities. Teach her to cook, have her do all the dishes. I never did that with her.

 

My younger one almost 11, always wanted to learn household things. I have no problem with her in this way. She acts more mature than the older one....

 

Please don't judge me. I feel bad enough, and realize I have failed in many ways with her.

 

Just looking for advice.

[Melinda in VT]

I have found the book The Unwritten Rules of Friendship to have some great ideas on teaching specific social skills to kids. I highly recommend it.

[Love2Smile]

I have found the book The Unwritten Rules of Friendship to have some great ideas on teaching specific social skills to kids. I highly recommend it.

I will look into it, thanks!

[Sasharowan]

It may be an immaturity issue. When I was 15, I was still more childlike than teenlike, if you know what I mean. Although we didn't have video games or internet, I spent a lot of time reading. I didn't have a lot of friends and felt most of the kids my age were from another planet. I had no interest in boys until older, about 17. My younger sister matured much faster than I did, at least as far as social skills go. She was also more interested in household stuff, that is one area that I wish my mom had pushed me to learn more. So I would second your dh's idea of giving her more to do around the house, but make it seems as a needed to learn skill and not as punishment for too much gaming.

[Danestress]

that while you eliminate the video games and help her with the addiction, you also search for what is really great about this daughter and start to just ENJOY her for who she is. Okay, so she lacks social skills. You might want to work on that with her (gently, over time) but deciding that that is somehow all about you and your value as a parent is a bit over the top. Your daughter isn't just a reflection of you as a parent. She's her own person. She has her own brain wiring. She has things she is naturally inclined toward. Her maturity or lack thereof is her OWN deal and not evidence of whether you are good or not as a Mom.

 

I am sure she has a lot of good qualities, and rather than wish you could go back and have a "redo" you might want to focus on what you LOVE about her and just pour energy into those things. She might always be a bit anti-social. Some of the very best most creative genius adults are.

 

We have all made mistakes and we all wish we could have a "redo" in certain areas. But you sound like you have a very extreme feeling of having failed, and just under that, I am picking up on a vibe that you are very disappointed in how your daughter has turned out. She's not done growing up yet, of course, and you are not done as a parent.

 

Are you worried that she is depressed?

 

If your daughter is really interested in video making, I think I would indulge that. Is she good at it? Does she like editing video? Could you maybe find some community college classes that would allow her to develop those talents?

[FO4UR]

:grouphug:

 

I would start with teaching her something you can do together. Cooking and dishes and laundry....do them with her. If dh has a hobbie he can include her on, I would do that too.

 

Getting her in some classes to use her interest in computers for something profitable would likely be a big help to her.

[Rhonda in TX]

Discuss your feelings, and the fact that things have got to change - now. Don't throw everything at her at once, but make her understand the final goal. Make a plan for teaching her how to run a household. Plenty of kids don't know how to run a home at the age of 15, so you still have time to teach her these things.

 

As far as social skills go... I've heard excellent things about this book. It's written for children with special needs, but you might still find it helpful.

[MOM24WONDERS]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: It sounds like you need a few of those!

 

I have recommended this book before (and I know many people don't like the Pearls, but even if you hate them, this book is SOOOO good!) Jumping Ship. It's an amazing book on how to keep the heart of your young adult.

 

First off, let me just say that we don't even use the word "teenager" in our home. It means rude, lazy, slothful, disrespectful, disobedient, rebellious, etc. That is the ACTUAL definition of teenager - which wasn't even a word until the 50's or 60's! Our children go from being children to young adults....at age 13, you've become a young adult.

 

Now, I agree with getting rid of the video games, the internet, it sounds like that's a great start. I would then assign her chores and have her work. At 15, she should be doing a LARGE number of the household chores, including helping to cook, if not cooking a meal herself.

 

Everyone NEEDS to be needed. If she isn't needed to do anything than she has no way to feel successful or as if she's worth something to the family. Give her a reason to feel needed.

 

Also, just TALK to her constantly. Whatever you are doing in the house, incorporate her into it.

 

I do agree with the poster that said have a talk with her first. It's what we'd call a family meeting! Lay it out for her, even if you have to write it down (which we normally do when changing things). Tell her what is expected of her and don't back down. She will be a better person and love you more for it.

 

Children love and are attached more to parents that they can respect - make sure that she knows you mean business :)

[Virginia in Tx]

I think sometimes we have a tendency to swing the pendulum to far when we are facing an issue and in my experience that doesn't work. So start changing things slowly and realize it may take some time to develop the new skills.

 

My son is also not very social and so I require some social "experiences" every week. Make sure to start slow - just think if someone told you that the one thing you don't like to do will be the focus now. For example, give her a few choices to choose from (once a week library teen program, church youth group, community recreation class for teens) and have her do that for a while and then add to it. My son is still awkward in these situations but things have gotten better and he even found some things he liked to go to.

 

Same on chores - I do think it helps build responsiblity. I don't know how you feel about allowance but it works well in my house. They only get the allowance if they do the chores without me asking - if I have to nag them then they don't get it and they have to the chore anyway. Again start small and then add tasks (and increase allowance).

 

I know you are feeling down right now and so it is important to find the positive things going on in your daughters life and hang on to them. We all make parenting mistakes (I am too controlling) but kids are resilient. 15 is a hard age for any parent of a teenage girl - it does get better (my dd is now 20), but I do think if you start addressing the issues you have identified in small steps you will see progress.

[Kathy in MD]

In the rush to teach her how to work, don't forget that fun is important also. Plus scheduling fun time helps with getting cooperation with the work portion.

 

I'd try to schedule a game "night" (maybe just a half hour to hour at first) for the entire family. The interactions of other family members will help her ease in and smooth over the rough edges. And from past experience with a 15 yo and being one, there will probably be a lot of sulking, pouting and complaining at first.

 

Also try to schedule one-on-one time doing what SHE wants to do. Just a half hour will help a week will help. You may want to try this after the family game night to help her ease into things.

[Aubrey]

Just a couple of thoughts--I really agree with the idea of being needed. What about volunteering somehow? I think putting away the electronics was a great move, and teaching some chores around the house is important, but sometimes the social skills are really enhanced by interacting with people outside the home, and, um, not other teenagers necessarily, lol.

 

Also, if you're a Christian or do some kind of regular activity outside the home, you might consider including your daughter. I attended women's events instead of youth events when I was...about that age, and I really appreciated the difference. I was at the other end of that extreme, though, so I could be wrong about this.

 

I guess my theory is that we become what we look at, so if we'll put positive images, role models, etc. in front of our children, allow them to see us doing the things we want to see them doing, then they'll get there. Mine are still pretty little, so I'm crossing my fingers.

[LinRTX]

a few suggestions. Since this is new to her, start slowly. Go through a cookbook and make a menu plan together. Then the two of you cook together in the kitchen -- you talking and showing and letting her do the actual work. Prepare the entire meal together and make it a special one. Do the clean up together and instruct her on how it shpild be done. Tell her this is training and that soon you expect her to be able to do this herself.

 

After making that first meal together, praise the meal to her dad, making sure he knows she made it.

 

My girls are required to plan and prepare one meal a week entirely on their own. They need to plan early so they have the ingredients they need. In a few months (or sooner, depending on her) this should be the goal. Let her know the expectation. And assign her one night a week that is her responsiblility. At first I was at home so I could help if they ran into problems, but now I plan their nights around when I have to be out until almost dinner time.

 

For other household responsibilities, make a list of what she needs to learn and decide how to teach her. Rotate the chores with the younger daughter (maybe change chores each week, or each month).

 

Plan a reward when she meets a goal and don't make the rewards too far apart at first or she will be discouraged. Hope this helps some.

 

Linda

[Love2Smile]

that while you eliminate the video games and help her with the addiction, you also search for what is really great about this daughter and start to just ENJOY her for who she is. Okay, so she lacks social skills. You might want to work on that with her (gently, over time) but deciding that that is somehow all about you and your value as a parent is a bit over the top. Your daughter isn't just a reflection of you as a parent. She's her own person. She has her own brain wiring. She has things she is naturally inclined toward. Her maturity or lack thereof is her OWN deal and not evidence of whether you are good or not as a Mom.

 

I am sure she has a lot of good qualities, and rather than wish you could go back and have a "redo" you might want to focus on what you LOVE about her and just pour energy into those things. She might always be a bit anti-social. Some of the very best most creative genius adults are.

 

We have all made mistakes and we all wish we could have a "redo" in certain areas. But you sound like you have a very extreme feeling of having failed, and just under that, I am picking up on a vibe that you are very disappointed in how your daughter has turned out. She's not done growing up yet, of course, and you are not done as a parent.

 

Are you worried that she is depressed?

 

If your daughter is really interested in video making, I think I would indulge that. Is she good at it? Does she like editing video? Could you maybe find some community college classes that would allow her to develop those talents?

Thank you. I do love my dd very much. She has some very wonderful qualities. She is sensitive, loves animals and is very gentle, she loves to read and write. I feel like I just sometimes "don't know her". I will look into the CC classes, that's a good idea. I think I just need to spend some one on one time with her.

[Love2Smile]

Discuss your feelings, and the fact that things have got to change - now. Don't throw everything at her at once, but make her understand the final goal. Make a plan for teaching her how to run a household. Plenty of kids don't know how to run a home at the age of 15, so you still have time to teach her these things.

 

As far as social skills go... I've heard excellent things about this book. It's written for children with special needs, but you might still find it helpful.

Thanks, i'll look into that book too

[Love2Smile]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: It sounds like you need a few of those!

 

I have recommended this book before (and I know many people don't like the Pearls, but even if you hate them, this book is SOOOO good!) Jumping Ship. It's an amazing book on how to keep the heart of your young adult.

 

First off, let me just say that we don't even use the word "teenager" in our home. It means rude, lazy, slothful, disrespectful, disobedient, rebellious, etc. That is the ACTUAL definition of teenager - which wasn't even a word until the 50's or 60's! Our children go from being children to young adults....at age 13, you've become a young adult.

 

Now, I agree with getting rid of the video games, the internet, it sounds like that's a great start. I would then assign her chores and have her work. At 15, she should be doing a LARGE number of the household chores, including helping to cook, if not cooking a meal herself.

 

Everyone NEEDS to be needed. If she isn't needed to do anything than she has no way to feel successful or as if she's worth something to the family. Give her a reason to feel needed.

 

Also, just TALK to her constantly. Whatever you are doing in the house, incorporate her into it.

 

I do agree with the poster that said have a talk with her first. It's what we'd call a family meeting! Lay it out for her, even if you have to write it down (which we normally do when changing things). Tell her what is expected of her and don't back down. She will be a better person and love you more for it.

 

Children love and are attached more to parents that they can respect - make sure that she knows you mean business :)

excellent advice, thank you

[Michelle in AL]

I have a 15 yr old dd too. What I have found that reaches her the most is love. She can only use her computer in the living room. This has cut down on screen time some, and while she's on she'll chat with us. I make a point to do something with her a couple times a week, and we have family night once a week. Family night is usually a special dessert we cook and a movie. This has really made her open up more and become more sociable.

 

After we "rebonded," I asked her if she wanted to take a friend when we went to the movies or shopping. I also encourage her to have groups of kids over for game night (she thinks this is nerdy and hasn't done so), youth band practice or just to hang out.

 

Volunteer work helps with responsibility, so does a regular job.

 

I work 2 hrs at night, so each of my dds has taken one night a week to make dinner.

 

I think 15 is hard, I've heard they come through it :001_huh:

[Leanna Tomlinson]

:grouphug:

My first piece of advice is to pray. Pray for guidance and pray FOR your daughter. YOU cannot change another person by yourself. You need God's help and you need her to be responsive.

 

I know a girl of the same age who is very similar, but has not had ANY exposure to video games etc. She is just immature. Her mother and I were discussing this at length and here are some conclusions we made.

 

1) She is ADORED by young children. She will get down and play with them in a way most 14yo girls won't. Her mother has decided to use this in some constructive way and give her opportunities to shine here. (For example - have a family with young kids over and let dd plan some activities for the children)

 

2) She needs to be given WHOLE tasks and complete responsibility for her work. Her mom has always wanted her dd to help in the kitchen, help with cleaning, help with laundry, but this dd is old enough to figure some things out on her own. She has not been given jobs where she can feel that she accomplished something of meaning or importance (not just "chop the lettuce, honey"). She needs to be able to feel needed and not just that she is given jobs as part of her training. Her mom also needs to be willing to let her fail.

 

3) This particular girl needs to find some clothes and a hairstyle that reflect her age. Her mom has been working on this, and it has made a difference.

 

4) Her mom has started having her journalize each day for her writing. These journal entries have helped spark discussion that have shown the my friend a growning maturity in her dd that is not immediately evident.

 

I recommended the book Do Hard Things by the Harris brothers. It has really inspired all three of my teens to ignore the low expectations our society has for teenagers and make these years productive.

 

Most of all just ENJOY your dd. My sis-in law said she was an immature teenager, now she is the FUN AUNT who always plays with the kids.

 

HTH,

Leanna

[Love2Smile]

:grouphug:

My first piece of advice is to pray. Pray for guidance and pray FOR your daughter. YOU cannot change another person by yourself. You need God's help and you need her to be responsive.

 

I know a girl of the same age who is very similar, but has not had ANY exposure to video games etc. She is just immature. Her mother and I were discussing this at length and here are some conclusions we made.

 

1) She is ADORED by young children. She will get down and play with them in a way most 14yo girls won't. Her mother has decided to use this in some constructive way and give her opportunities to shine here. (For example - have a family with young kids over and let dd plan some activities for the children)

 

2) She needs to be given WHOLE tasks and complete responsibility for her work. Her mom has always wanted her dd to help in the kitchen, help with cleaning, help with laundry, but this dd is old enough to figure some things out on her own. She has not been given jobs where she can feel that she accomplished something of meaning or importance (not just "chop the lettuce, honey"). She needs to be able to feel needed and not just that she is given jobs as part of her training. Her mom also needs to be willing to let her fail.

 

3) This particular girl needs to find some clothes and a hairstyle that reflect her age. Her mom has been working on this, and it has made a difference.

 

4) Her mom has started having her journalize each day for her writing. These journal entries have helped spark discussion that have shown the my friend a growning maturity in her dd that is not immediately evident.

 

I recommended the book Do Hard Things by the Harris brothers. It has really inspired all three of my teens to ignore the low expectations our society has for teenagers and make these years productive.

 

Most of all just ENJOY your dd. My sis-in law said she was an immature teenager, now she is the FUN AUNT who always plays with the kids.

 

HTH,

Leanna

My daughter IS adored by younger children too! Animals also love her!

And...she also needs new clothes to reflect her age etc...LOL

She is not interested in any type of clothing.

You know what, today I think I am going to take her shopping and out to lunch just the two of us. I really think I have been focusing on the negative and blaming her! So wrong. Thank you, I feel a new sense of what I need to do.

[lionfamily1999]

I stilled played with Barbie's for the first 3/4 of my 15th year... I had a few girlfriends, but when they moved to other things, we stopped hanging out. My mom didn't really care. The last 1/4 of my 15th year I had a boy friend and was sexually active. Woohoo, I matured :glare:

 

I don't know what you can do, except to start treating her more as an adult (the chores are a great idea) and hope that she doesn't bloom too quickly once it starts.

 

:grouphug:

[Heather in the Kootenays]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Good for you for stepping up to the plate now.

 

I know that I've had days when I believe that I've ruined dd's life. You've got really good advice here esp the part about appreciating who she is and having fun.

[elise1mds]

You know what? At least you care. It could be so, so much worse. Whatever you do now (and I'm sure, with all this great advice, that you will choose a wise course for her) can only make her life better for when she is an adult. My parents never taught me anything, either, other than "get a job" and "if you can't be nice, go to your room." It sounds like you're a great mom. You'll get there. (((HUGS)))

[Remudamom]

I have an immature 15 yr old. She's just a bit..........immature. I'm letting her be her. She's slowly maturing.

[Impish]

I'm going to echo Danestress in saying that your time as a parent is far from over, and that your focus needs to swing from what it implies for you as a parent, and towards her as a young woman.

 

You mention that she was never a discipline problem, but that you allowed her to have her way because it was easier than debating with her or training her. I'm a little confused at the contradiction.

 

As for the youtube, etc...there are many organizations that would love to have someone put together a small video for them. Perhaps she could do something like that? It would utilize her interests and skills, while also working on her social skills.

 

Some kids are never comfortable with same age peers. Myself, I know that until my 30s, I tended to gravitate to older peers. Your dd may be the same in that what interests girls her age simply doesn't appeal to her, and that is ok. Nothing at all wrong.

 

Chores are an excellent way of teaching responsibility. Big fan of them here myself. :D

 

One other suggestion: please don't compare her to her sister. They are very different people. I realize why you did *here* I'm just hoping you don't do that at home. It can be very negative for their relationship, amongst other reasons.

 

:grouphug: Its a tough thing you're about to take on, but definitely worthwhile. I wish you all the best :grouphug:

[Love2Smile]

I have an immature 15 yr old. She's just a bit..........immature. I'm letting her be her. She's slowly maturing.

I don't mind her playing with her stuffed animals still...yes she does that LOL, I keep reminding her i'd rather have her playing with stuffed animals than boys! However, she does need to learn how to act appropriately around adults.

[Love2Smile]

I'm going to echo Danestress in saying that your time as a parent is far from over, and that your focus needs to swing from what it implies for you as a parent, and towards her as a young woman.

 

You mention that she was never a discipline problem, but that you allowed her to have her way because it was easier than debating with her or training her. I'm a little confused at the contradiction.

 

As for the youtube, etc...there are many organizations that would love to have someone put together a small video for them. Perhaps she could do something like that? It would utilize her interests and skills, while also working on her social skills.

 

Some kids are never comfortable with same age peers. Myself, I know that until my 30s, I tended to gravitate to older peers. Your dd may be the same in that what interests girls her age simply doesn't appeal to her, and that is ok. Nothing at all wrong.

 

Chores are an excellent way of teaching responsibility. Big fan of them here myself. :D

 

One other suggestion: please don't compare her to her sister. They are very different people. I realize why you did *here* I'm just hoping you don't do that at home. It can be very negative for their relationship, amongst other reasons.

 

:grouphug: Its a tough thing you're about to take on, but definitely worthwhile. I wish you all the best :grouphug:

 

Yes, maybe I never had a discipline problem because it was always easier to just give in. That all may change now. I really do not compare sisters, I know how damaging that can be. thank you

[NicA]

Another book that may help is Loving Our Kids On Purpose by Danny Silk. It's a great parenting book that really focuses on our relationship with our kids, and teaching them to make decisions and take responsibility for themselves.

[camibami]

I was so happy to have kids and get to play imagination games again, as a late-20-something year old! Heck, look at all the "grown ups" who play role-playing type games. There are a lot of adults who never "grow out of" that childlike stage. I think that's okay, myself, I honestly do. Its fun, darnit, to imagine and play.

 

I *do* think life skills things need to be learned, and appropriate behavior, but being "just like everyone else" is not necessarily the same as "appropriate". I played Barbies with my best friend in high school, when I'd sleepover. It was fun. Its STILL fun. But poor me, I went to ps jr high and high school, and learned to hide that part of me well, to fit in. Doesn't mean it wasn't there, though, I just knew kids would never let my "I want to be a horse" fantasy games be lived down if they knew about them. My poor mother absolutely despaired of me ever being "normal". She desperately wanted a cheerleader type daughter- and with my little sister, she got one.That wasn't all it cracked up to be though, as I know she'd tell you, my sister got in some trouble, etc as a product of the "popular" group in high school and being "extra" mature.

 

I am a productive adult, if a wee bit of a nerd. I'm an undercover nerd though, as my husband says, you wouldn't know by looking at me.:D

 

Definitely teach the life skills things, break her addiction to games and the internet (cough, cough, could stand to do that myself!), but the maturity issues- I don't know. I really think she's fine in that area, probably.

 

And she has the best thing a kid can have- a mom who really cares.:grouphug:

[joannqn]

that while you eliminate the video games and help her with the addiction, you also search for what is really great about this daughter and start to just ENJOY her for who she is. Okay, so she lacks social skills. You might want to work on that with her (gently, over time) but deciding that that is somehow all about you and your value as a parent is a bit over the top. Your daughter isn't just a reflection of you as a parent. She's her own person. She has her own brain wiring. She has things she is naturally inclined toward. Her maturity or lack thereof is her OWN deal and not evidence of whether you are good or not as a Mom.

 

I am sure she has a lot of good qualities, and rather than wish you could go back and have a "redo" you might want to focus on what you LOVE about her and just pour energy into those things. She might always be a bit anti-social. Some of the very best most creative genius adults are.

 

We have all made mistakes and we all wish we could have a "redo" in certain areas. But you sound like you have a very extreme feeling of having failed, and just under that, I am picking up on a vibe that you are very disappointed in how your daughter has turned out. She's not done growing up yet, of course, and you are not done as a parent.

 

Are you worried that she is depressed?

 

If your daughter is really interested in video making, I think I would indulge that. Is she good at it? Does she like editing video? Could you maybe find some community college classes that would allow her to develop those talents?

 

:iagree:

 

I think this is great advice.

 

If you need help with social/communication skills, Sweet Home Press has a curriculum that I just found and plan on using with my socially awkward child. They have a younger child/basic skills one and one for older kids/teens.

[katemary63]

Last night I truly concluded that I am a failure as a parent. At least to my older daughter. She will be 15 in December. (3 years from 18 as my husband puts it), and she acts like she is 9. She is very immature, spoiled and addicted to video games and the internet. I DID this! I never set boundries. I never taught her responsibility or chores. Now I am paying the piper.

I always thought it was easier to just let her have her way than debate or *train* her. It was how I was raised, but I never was spoiled or addicted to video games, didn't have them back then.

 

She has no desire to do anything else and is rather anti-social.

 

I have barely slept. I don't know what to do. I feel like I need a parenting manual or something for her. I wish I could go back in time, and start all over again with her. Never bring the video games into the house, never bring the junk food into the house. (I have that problem too).

 

I have to *train her* today. As of last night every single video game is gone, the PS3 is put away, and she has no access to the internet.

 

Now, what do I do? When she is around girls her age she does not know how to act. and she was public schooled up till 6th grade and then only home for 2 years and spent 8th grade again in public school, so I know homeschooling is NOT the problem.

 

I am sickened about how I raised her. I don't have a discipline problem and she does not back talk me. (Thank God), but how do I teach her to be more mature? How do I get her interested in anything at all besides videos and YOUtube video making?

 

I worry about her future. I worry about her alot.

 

My dh says to buckle down and give her household responsibilities. Teach her to cook, have her do all the dishes. I never did that with her.

 

My younger one almost 11, always wanted to learn household things. I have no problem with her in this way. She acts more mature than the older one....

 

Please don't judge me. I feel bad enough, and realize I have failed in many ways with her.

 

Just looking for advice.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Listen, all you can do is start today to do your very best. And that certainly won't be perfect either, (none of us are!) but it is the best you can do. First and foremost - love her. Just love her for who she is. Smile, hug her and tell her she's great! Do all the changing with a positive attitude. Don't make it heavy and depressing for her - positive, happy and enthusiastic - EVEN WHEN SHE'S NOT!

 

I agree with taking away video games/ tv. It just isn't good for people who have no discipline. And I KNOW what I'm talking about, I took it away from myself because I could not control the amount I watched. I am happier without it. Maybe after a while, she can have a scheduled, measured amount of video time after chores/ homework is done.

 

Then, definately start giving her a chore list and teaching her things. Ask HER what she wants to learn first - give her a list and let her pick so she can't say, "nothing." We use a procedures chart to help train kids to do things properly. I will give a sample for cleaning the bathroom below, but basically, you just list out the steps for each chore in sequential order and have a check box. Print them out in an excell chart. I hand out the procedures before every chore and then get it back when the chore is done. These are great for littles who are just learning, but may be good for your older girl who is immature.

 

Don't try to make up everything at once. Take it one issue at a time. Make one new meal with her and then let her make it herself the following week. Little steps will get you far in time and not be overwhelming to either of you. Don't worry - everybody can learn. She'll learn what she needs to know. And lots of kids are immature. My son is 22 and I'm just thinking now that he is at about the age 16 stage. My husband and I realize he is slow maturity wise and love him for who he is. We often joke that when he's 30, he'll be a grown up. ( not in front of him! Hehe) I have 3 girls and they are ALL overly mature for thier age, so we know it is not the way he was raised. It's just him.

 

Bathroom Cleaning Procedures

 

- Shake rugs, place in hallway

- clean mirror

- clean inside of toilet

- clean outside of toilet

- scour sink and counter

- wipe nick nacks, light switches, towel racks, window sill

- sweep floor

- empty garbage can, put in new bag

- mop floor

- replace rugs

 

God Bless you in your effort to turn over a new leaf. You will do great and so will she!

[JennC]

She's her own person. She has her own brain wiring. She has things she is naturally inclined toward. Her maturity or lack thereof is her OWN deal and not evidence of whether you are good or not as a Mom.

 

I am sure she has a lot of good qualities, and rather than wish you could go back and have a "redo" you might want to focus on what you LOVE about her and just pour energy into those things. She might always be a bit anti-social. Some of the very best most creative genius adults are.

 

{sorry for a personal note to Damestress : Once, again, you speak to me:)

My son (15) has been home 2 weekends in a row. 2 days for a family portrait and the weekend of the 4th. We have had a great time both times. Though not completely conflict free - we have been able to talk about issues better when they come up. I think we are both realizing more what is at stake. We have shared more hugs, since he left in March than for the past year at least (sad, I know). That makes a TON of difference in any behavior issues that I have with all five of my kids, but especially Jordan. }

 

As moms, it is easy to project our feelings, hopes, dreams, goals, wants, needs onto our children. ("I never acted that way. . " "I don't know why he doesn't try harder at this . . " "What is he thinking?").

I pray that my sons and daughter grow up to love God, their families, work hard and care about people. The two great laws are the important thing to instill into our children, not college scholarships (biggie for me).

 

As far as the individual issues you struggle with, I have no advice, I struggle with them all myself - we just have a more littlehouse life so, our battles go more like this "I don't see why you're such a technophobe. I'm the only living person my age without a ______"

 

Sorry for such an incomplete thought. This issue tends to strangle me.

Edited July 13, 2009 by JennC
strangulation of thought process

[Mabeline]

I think you should have her spend as much time with you as possible. Let her learn how to behave from watching you. Do chores together, garden together, cook together, go shopping together. Have her do as much as she can on her own with you watching her. Then as she learns how to behave and that she can do things, treat her like a responsible person and she might surprise herself and become responsible. HTH I will pray for you.

[LibraryLover]

Ime with my teens, connection is everything. It's easy for young people to go one way and parents another. It's important to me that we try to do things together...I am not saying everything is perfect and nobody ever says "Oh, that's sounds boring!" but I do have certain expectations. Even of my 20 yr old when he is home from school.

 

(As an example of expectations, I'll pull this from a recent experience in my life. We all attended a memorial service for a person who wasn't a relative. Sure, it's possibly boring, and sure nobody really wants to be where there is sadness, but it's what a community does. Several people approached me after the service and wanted to know how on earth I got all of my children (including my older ones) to attend. I hadn't thought about it. I hadn't even argued with the children. I just said "We are all going. This person might not have been our best friend, but the person had shown us kindness and worked hard for the poeple in our area". Then I got out the navy blazers and dress shoes from the back of the closets, and that was that. In the end, they knew it was the right, mature thing to do).

 

I personally wouldn't take away anything right now, although I might set some limits and help the child branch out. Taking away everything won't help to build connection, imo. I would try to plan things that might also interest her. I might begin by planning a meal together, shopping for the food together, going to the library together, taking a road trip to a nearby city to do something interesting (museum, different restuarant, film) .

 

As the mother of a challenging child, I have seen that the more I connect, need the child's assistance, the more I respectfully require (not talking about being best friends, but sharing my ideas and thoughts etc), the more centered dc seems, and the more dc communicates. My dc's love language is humor, togethrness, and connection, no matter if it doesn't look like it sometimes. Arguing, restricting, & harshness creates deep anxiety and withdrawal. Knowing your child's love language, (emotional need) is the first step, ime.

 

Personally, I think it's perfectly fine to say Friday is wash day (or she picks a wash day for herself) . Let her know you expect her to wash her clothing and get it back into her room & put away on the same day. Letting her know that Thursday (or whatever) night is her night to get dinner started is another way to set things in motion. She can choose what to make (after determining health & cost parameters together) and you will help her gather what she needs, show her how to find recipes on line etc.

 

I also think a small outing once in awhile will go a long way in building connection. Maybe Sat afternoon is when you go to the library together, and then for a bagel and tea or something. Maybe once a month or every other month, you plan an entire family outing that is fun, even if not costly.

Edited July 13, 2009 by LibraryLover

[lgm]

I wouldn't cut her from computers and games until I understood what need it was filling and had found other ways to fill those needs. I would cut the time down though.

 

At 15, she should start to be thinking of her future. Can you guide her into an exploration about what is attractive with making movies and playing videogames and then help her find ways to develop her talent further?

 

Too add to the other posts:

 

I would encourage her to participate in a youth group, especially something like CAP or scouting, that will get her into good habits for mind & body and give her intellectual stimulating opportunities.

 

Does she have regular opportunities to get out an exercise? Does she have a sport? Does she need lessons or a partner? Physical fitness is important, especially if her future involves sedentary work.

 

Does she have a charity that she volunteers for? Perhaps she can use her interest in animals to find one? Who knows, maybe they'll need a website?

[KingM]

Please don't judge me. I feel bad enough, and realize I have failed in many ways with her.

 

First of all, don't judge yourself. This is hard stuff, this parenting, and we're all just making it up as we go along.

 

Just looking for advice.

 

Can you have a conversation with her? My 13, almost 14 year old son is like an adult one moment and a toddler, the next. When I catch him in his adult moods, he is quite reasonable and we can discuss things. I admit my failings, explain what I'm trying to teach him, and tell him what I'm thinking.

 

Then, when the pre-schooler reasserts himself, I can fall back on the reasonable discussion. It often helps.

[Mandy in TN]

Stop worrying. She sounds like a really cool 15yo. Who knows those videos may get her a college scholarship. Instead of shutting that down I would crank it up a notch. I agree look at the CC, but also if you have an art collge nearby they often have weekend classes for high schoolers.

 

The video games may not be the best use of time; however, it is in the same sphere as creating videos. She gets to see how graphics are used and can incorporate that into her videos. Does she have any programs to help her incorporate graphics into her videos? If not, I would go immediately and purchase one.

 

It sounds like you need to help her locate kids who have similar interests. Right now it sounds like dolls and stuffed animals are fueling her imagination. If she had friends who shared her passions, that might fall by the wayside. An art college would be my first step.

 

HTH-

Mandy

[LibraryLover]

First of all, don't judge yourself. This is hard stuff, this parenting, and we're all just making it up as we go along.

 

 

 

Can you have a conversation with her? My 13, almost 14 year old son is like an adult one moment and a toddler, the next. When I catch him in his adult moods, he is quite reasonable and we can discuss things. I admit my failings, explain what I'm trying to teach him, and tell him what I'm thinking.

 

Then, when the pre-schooler reasserts himself, I can fall back on the reasonable discussion. It often helps.

 

 

It's really true. The early teen years can be very emotionally trying for kids. Nobody freaks out "OMG! He's going to be a serial killer!" when an 18 mos old loses it occassionaly. Of course, teen tantrums can be more frightening and louder...but I really do think that brain growth plays out in lots of crazy ways. In the old days, a teen with a lot of energy could take a horse and ride like the wind, gather the cattle and come home pooped. Nowadays, not so much.

 

A little trust in minor thrashing can go a long way in not freaking out. That helps me through the rough moments, anyway.

[mom4him]

Last night I truly concluded that I am a failure as a parent. At least to my older daughter. She will be 15 in December. (3 years from 18 as my husband puts it), and she acts like she is 9. She is very immature, spoiled and addicted to video games and the internet. I DID this! I never set boundries. I never taught her responsibility or chores. Now I am paying the piper.

I always thought it was easier to just let her have her way than debate or *train* her. It was how I was raised, but I never was spoiled or addicted to video games, didn't have them back then.

 

She has no desire to do anything else and is rather anti-social.

 

I have barely slept. I don't know what to do. I feel like I need a parenting manual or something for her. I wish I could go back in time, and start all over again with her. Never bring the video games into the house, never bring the junk food into the house. (I have that problem too).

 

I have to *train her* today. As of last night every single video game is gone, the PS3 is put away, and she has no access to the internet.

 

Now, what do I do? When she is around girls her age she does not know how to act. and she was public schooled up till 6th grade and then only home for 2 years and spent 8th grade again in public school, so I know homeschooling is NOT the problem.

 

I am sickened about how I raised her. I don't have a discipline problem and she does not back talk me. (Thank God), but how do I teach her to be more mature? How do I get her interested in anything at all besides videos and YOUtube video making?

 

I worry about her future. I worry about her alot.

 

My dh says to buckle down and give her household responsibilities. Teach her to cook, have her do all the dishes. I never did that with her.

 

My younger one almost 11, always wanted to learn household things. I have no problem with her in this way. She acts more mature than the older one....

 

Please don't judge me. I feel bad enough, and realize I have failed in many ways with her.

 

Just looking for advice.

Well, in my opinion, you have not failed! You have faced your mistakes and are asking for help! True failures rarely look at what they have done incorrectly nor are they willing to take action to change.

Here is what I would do:

1. I would go to her and ask her forgiveness. I would explain that you feel very bad about the lack of guidence you have given her and that you are working at doing better, a lot better. It may be good if you dh were present during this so she knows that you two are together with this and that she can't play you against one another(Maybe she wouldn't do this but just in case).

2. For a time I wouldn't give her anything that is her sole responsibility. I would do it with her. Such as dishes, unload and load together. Laundry, stand and fold together. Living room, one vacc. the other dust. Etc. Build relationship with her through these things. Laugh with her. Find funny things as you are doing these things.

3. Let her know that you will be taking her to the library and she is to pick out a nice chapter book that you approve of and you want her to read it giving you a summary after each chapt.

4. If you are bringing her back home to school, take her shopping to find a fun end of summer bargain that she will wear the first day of your school. If possible I would make this just you and her. You might do the same with the other kids but at a different time. Again build relationship.

We all make mistakes in raising our dc. I have 3 grown children and I look back and see the aweful mistakes I made. The thing is they all love the Lord, are hard working and faithful to their loved ones to a falt.

 

I will be praying for you. Keep us up as to how things are going.

[ConnieB]

Thank you. I do love my dd very much. She has some very wonderful qualities. She is sensitive, loves animals and is very gentle, she loves to read and write. I feel like I just sometimes "don't know her". I will look into the CC classes, that's a good idea. I think I just need to spend some one on one time with her.

 

"Loves animals".....any chance she might be interested in working (if your state considers 15 old enough) or volunteering in something related to animals? A pet store for working; a vet clinic or animal shelter for volunteering. Those are typically easy places to find and get into.....another that isn't quite as easy to find would be something to do with her computer skills. Those can be a career following so while addiction to them isn't positive and shouldn't be condoned, using the computer for constructive purposes should be encouraged. See if there are community services that might be looking for computer volunteers, or perhaps you or DH know someone in the computer career field who might mentor her or let her shadow them. You may have to be more creative to find a niche in computer than you would for animals, but it's out there somewhere.

 

Working/Volunteering will quickly mature her....and since it's something that she'll enjoy she's more likely to WANT to mature and do a good job. It will also get her away from Youtube, lol.

 

I would also say that in some ways you've described a stereotypical teenager. Has she always been like this, or is it just the last 2-3 years? I wouldn't be so quick to blame your parenting since your other child isn't this way......so you obviously have done something right! If she's always been like this, well, then it's her personality type.....maybe she's just a "longer" type person. I was....still am in many ways though as I matured I learned to handle social situations.....but I don't seek them out. My best friends live in my house with me, my family. I don't have a need to be outgoing with the public....oh I still have friends "out there" but not what I'd term bff (best friends forever in teenage-dom). But I'm not exactly hiding from the mental ward either....it's just who I am. And the funny thing is that some of my kids are like me....happiest at home doing our own thing, and some of my kids are raring to get out in the midst of others. It's a tricky balance around here, but we manage.

 

I do think that every child.....boy or girl, young or old, should have some responsibilities around the house. They don't have to love their chores, but they do have to do them. It's part of being a family, having a home that needs taking care of and doing unto others. To illustrate this point when my children were giving me trouble in this area, I went on strike. I refused to cook, clean, or drive them anywhere. I threw their own words back at them...."I don't want to right now"...."I hate doing (fill in)" .... "Do I have to". It took 3 days of my strike and I've never had to take such drastic action again.....they now understand that this house takes all of us to keep it going or else someone is going to have to pick up the slack and be unhappy. And they don't want to be unhappy again, lol.

 

Start small with the chores if she's never had any before......and work side by side with her so she doesn't feel as "put upon". Cooking would be a good one to make into more of a family affair (or a family minus dad if he doesn't come home from work before dinner prep needs to start). By having everyone do it will seem less like you're singling her out. Then later start adding in some other chores....doing her own laundry, cleaning her room and the living room, etc. Small steps.

 

As for the computer....well around here we don't have time limits, but we do have what we term common sense rules......chores, homework and other committments must be done first (and done right, not sloppy hurried work to get to the computer, lol). It shouldn't interfere with family interactions but it's also not necessary for my kids to do everything with me/DH......but it's all about balance. Sometimes they get caught up in a new game or website and will lose this balance, but usually we can lure them away because we remind them about balance. In your case, balance has definitely been lost and if they won't voluntarily fix it themselves, then we do take it away. Unplug it, put a password on it, or whatever you need to, and know that she's not going to like it one bit, but that it's necessary. Let her know that she can have it for a certain amount of time, if.....whatever you want from her, chores, family interaction, etc.

 

And lastly, I totally agree with the others....all of this must come with as much patience and love as you can muster. While it's not your fault and not likely your doing.....changing someone's habits isn't easy and with anyone, but especially with a teen, you have to tread lightly but not backstep, all in love. :grouphug:

[BigMamaBird]

You are not a failure as a parent!

 

You are here, looking for advice on an issue your child is struggling with. You are close enough and care enough about her to identify the issue and want to find a solution. Obviously from your post, your heart is hurting for her.

 

I don't see any of that as being a failure.

 

Not to minimalize the issue, but she's only 15 and she's a bit irresponsible. It's not irreversable. With gentle consistency it will change.

 

Big :grouphug: to you. You're a good Mom!

[PineFarmMom]

This may have no application to you at all. If you pray, I'd go straight to the Lord with it and ask Him to pave the way for you!! I'm really sorry for offering that if you are not a praying person. I just know that about 8 years ago I had to face some ways I was failing my children. It was very humbling but the beginning of a great thing for us. It enabled me to start over and ask God for the strength and wisdom to do a better job from there on out. Don't consider that you've failed because you're seeing it now. She's 15. I've heard of other turn-arounds in that time, particularly if the parent will spend that time investing in that particular child. We are continually having to adjust ourselves and ditch things that aren't working.

Edited July 13, 2009 by Texas T

[Terabith]

Is she currently in public school? Or, I guess I mean, where is she going in the fall?

 

I totally understand the feeling about having failed. I worry about that a LOT myself. But I don't think you have. She doesn't sound like she is a psychopath or anything. Just immature, and, well, she's 14. (She's not fifteen yet. She's got a good six months to go. She's still a very young teenager.) It's normal. Your job is far from over, and while she is an official grown up at 18, that doesn't mean that people are finished or completed at that point. There is still growing up to be done, even then. Just as there is now, for me, at 33. We're all still under construction.

 

It's a very hard age. She is both very young and unformed, and yet also old enough that she really does need to have some say in some things. It sounds like you are very, very angry at her, and I'm not sure that's fair. She is going to feel like you are punishing her by taking away the internet and video games.

 

Have you considered playing video games WITH her? Or your husband playing them with her?

 

I really think that her free time should be her free time. Taking away the things that bring her joy in life, particularly for no specific reason, is going to make her very angry with you, and breed resentment and not be productive in building relationships and participation in family life. Now, just because I think she should choose her free time activities, that doesn't mean there shouldnt be additional requirements on her time. Video games or internet might not be available until after she has done chores, outings with family, etc. And I would certainly require standards to be met, in terms of appropriateness. But the fact that she is a young adult, one of her responsibilities and privileges should be that she chooses how to spend her time, as long as other obligations are met.

 

What particularly has she done that has led you to this conclusion that you have failed? Is it just that she is not voluntarily helping out around the house without you asking? Is she just spending too much time in front of the screen? Or has she done something wrong?

 

There may be reasons she isn't interested in doing household chores, and I'm guessing part of it is because she sees herself as incompetent. I am guessing that she feels awkward and uncomfortable and she doesn't know what to do or how to do it and is embarassed and ashamed. Most teens are extraordinarily self conscious. I know when I was growing up, my mom would get angry because I didn't offer to do things. But I didn't know what needed doing, and when I asked, she seemed annoyed because I couldn't just SEE what needed doing, and I didn't know how. I needed to be told precisely what to do, and I needed explicit teaching in how to do it. Even at 14, you couldn't just tell me to go clean the toilet. It's not that I was unwilling. I didn't know how, but I was afraid to say I didn't know what to do, and when I DID say such things, I got yelled at and told I was making excuses. I would make a list of household responsibilities and how often they needed to be done. Kids don't automatically know that sheets should be changed once a week, or whatever. Sit down with her and tell her that you need to teach her life skills, and find out what she knows how to do. Teach her step by step how to do other things, whether cleaning or cooking, etc. Be very encouraging. Could she be given a responsibility like doing the family grocery shopping by herself, after having been given a list? She needs to learn from you, but she needs to do things all by herself too, just like when she was two.

 

I think it is reasonable to require her to do schoolwork or reading before free time. I think it is reasonable to require chores and some form of physical activity prior to it as well. You might want to ask her to do some community service. Working at the SPCA or with disadvantaged children or other volunteer work might build her confidence. Ask her if there is anything she'd like to do.....knitting or woodworking or martial arts or painting or the like. Maybe you guys could take a class together. Maybe she could take a class on videomaking.

 

Is she an academic kid? Interested in music? Theatre? Is she in a youth group? (And sometimes the youth group at the church the family attends is not a good fit for a kid, and sometimes it is really good for the kid to attend a high quality youth group at a different church. It really can make a huge difference.)

 

Could she teach Sunday School to little kids? Could she be put in positions of genuine responsibility outside of the family, either in church or volunteer work or maybe even a paying job? Nothing breeds responsibility like being asked to do it. What about wilderness camp/ Outward Bound experience? Would something like that be empowering?

 

Could another trustworthy adult be a mentor for her?

 

What about some family fun activities? Games or whitewater rafting? A weekend trip with just the two of you, where you do wacky things and you aren't trying to teach her anything?

 

Could she be depressed or unhappy? How does she feel about being around other kids her age?

[dirty ethel rackham]

First of all, don't judge yourself. This is hard stuff, this parenting, and we're all just making it up as we go along.

 

 

:iagree:

You haven't failed as a parent. You haven't finished the last quarter, nor have you taken the final exam:). There is plenty of time to reevaluate what you need to learn as well as pat yourself on the back for what you've done right. Put away your red pen and recriminations and pull out your gold stars. Your daughter sounds very sweet and quite normal. She would get along well with some kids in my house.

[Love2Smile]

We have been gone all afternoon and I come back and you all have left me such encouraging, uplifting posts! This is why I LOVE this board!

 

Anyway, this morning I had a long discussion with her. I told her how much I loved her and I think she's a very *cool* girl. I went on to explain how I love her creativity and how she loves animals and small children and how I will never try to change her. I just want to redirect some of the creativity from spending so much time on YOUtube making videos. (I now feel guilt deleting her account without informing her), she is not terribly upset, just disappointed that I didn't let her save the videos she created.

But I did it, and they are all gone. I told her I am going to expect more from her in the way of personal responsibility and chores.

I told her I am not going to pull all the plugs on all of her games, but we will have time limits set, to create *self discipline* and personal responsibility.

I let her go on her *build a bear* website this afternoon for one hour. Build a bear is the website from the store of the same name. Very safe place.

 

I also...may allow her to have another YOU tube account, because making videos is what she loves so much. Again, I feel guilty now deleting the whole thing.

I'm going to wait on that right now. If I do, she will be allowed only with my knowledge of her password and user name and time limits.

 

She is being homeschooled this Fall. LIke I said, she was public schooled for 8th grade, and HS'd for 6th and 7th and public schooled before that. We moved 3 times during those times and it got kinda crazy for awhile.

 

She does Girl Scouts every Friday with a great leader who combines all ages and runs the troop more like a boy scout troop. They learn lifeskills, leadership and many other things. The leader is wonderful with the girls.

We also are going to be in a homeschool co-op this Fall which meets every Friday mornings. So our Fridays will be full.

 

She also volunteers each week at out local animal shelter. But we have not been going there due to so much other things in our lives and need to get back to it.

 

We are looking for a Church still, but I think by this Fall we will be settled with that. So she is busy, but when at home, just too much time with videos internet.

 

I feel much better and in control this afternoon and I want to thank you all again for your support

[LibraryLover]

I would be open to the possibilty that she will resent/feel sad/upset about the loss of some of her creative work. I wish I had been more forceful /quick about encouraging you to not do that.

 

I mean, it's not about me, but my young teens are freaking out hearing this. My 17 yr old dd said "I would feel sad beyond belief if you did that. Some of my on- line work is my best work". My 15 yr old ds asked, "Was it inapprorpiate in nature? Was it violent or threatening? Did she lose a lot?"

 

I am not posting this for guilt-inducing purposes, but to share that this work can be very important and creative for young people,and to be sensitive int he coming days and weeks. Because our generation dosen't always use this medium to share our talents does not mean it's not a worthy way to explore or share one's creativity. Not everything done on a computer is garbage. Your child is younger than my dd, and you have time to let her know you respect the way she chooses to express herself. It's never a good idea to delete anything in anger.

 

This could be a growthful turning point in your relationship. Apologizing for acting too quickly without consulting her, and starting over with new expectations and respect for each other might be the ticket to something wonderful.

Edited July 14, 2009 by LibraryLover

[Love2Smile]

I would be open to the possibilty that she will resent/feel sad/upset about the loss of some of her creative work. I wish I had been more forceful /quick about encouraging you to not do that.

 

I mean, it's not about me, but my young teens are freaking out hearing this. My 17 yr old dd said "I would feel sad beyond belief if you did that. Some of my on- line work is my best work". My 15 yr old ds asked, "Was it inapprorpiate in nature? Was it violent or threatening? Did she lose a lot?"

 

I am not posting this for guilt-inducing purposes, but to share that this work can be very important and creative for young people,and to be sensitive int he coming days and weeks. Because our generation dosen't always use this medium to share our talents does not mean it's not a worthy way to explore or share one's creativity. Not everything done on a computer is garbage. Your child is younger than my dd, and you have time to let her know you respect the way she chooses to express herself. It's never a good idea to delete anything in anger.

 

This could be a growthful turning point in your relationship. Apologizing for acting too quickly without consulting her, and starting over with new expectations and respect for each other might be the ticket to something wonderful.

Laurie,

I agree, I feel really upset by not telling her first, or at least letting her save some of her stuff. She had some of it on her laptop (no internet access), but yeah...I do feel bad about it, I made a mistake doing it.

 

You are right, this is a turning point for us. I can feel it. I feel a good turning point though. She has not freaked out or anything, just feels kinda sad. So what do I do next?

[LibraryLover]

Laurie,

I agree, I feel really upset by not telling her first, or at least letting her save some of her stuff. She had some of it on her laptop (no internet access), but yeah...I do feel bad about it, I made a mistake doing it.

 

You are right, this is a turning point for us. I can feel it. I feel a good turning point though. She has not freaked out or anything, just feels kinda sad. So what do I do next?

 

I want you to know that I respect your honesty and caring. I have had my own challenges, and come here from a place of understanding. It's not always a simple thing to parent young people.

Edited July 20, 2009 by LibraryLover

[Love2Smile]

I would talk, from my heart, and apologize and tell her that I was scared about somethingm, that even parents can mis-judge, and that you all can learn from this, move on, and be better. Let her know too, that nothing she does is beyond your love and care. We can't be afraid to be real and make mistakes.

 

You obviousy adore your child. Your honesty about your actions and your clarity about wanting to help her be everything that she wishes to be will be very important for her to hear. I know that sometimes I need to push myself to say all that I need to say to my kids. Sometimes words we never heard our parents say to us, but want to say to our own kids get garbled on our tongues.

 

I have often told my children that while I might react in anger at something, what I am really thinking is "I am worried about you", or "I am scared", or "I am concerned about this, and let me share with you why". It takes some childhood deprogramming to say what we really mean at times.

 

Hang in there. It will come out ok.

Laurie,

I just had a talk with her. I first apologized that I deleted her *works*. She told me it was okay and actually thanked me for apologizing.

I told her that I made a mistake and I should have let her save her works.

Again, she said it was okay. I just wanted her to know that even parents make mistakes and I don't want to change her in anyway. I LOVE those qualities about her, we just have to set firm guide lines and limits.

 

I told her I may allow her to have another account, but only with my complete knowledge of all her passwords etc...and that I would be looking at it daily. The computer is also in our living room so she is never alone with it. I honestly do trust *HER*, I do not trust what is out there for her to be exposed to. She is very innocent, naive and a good girl. I know I am not kidding myself when I say this. My biggest fear is her being exposed to the garbage out there on the internet. I have always seen all her sites she goes to daily. On our computer I can check history. I do it daily, mainly out of habit and I have never seen on inappropriate website. We do have parental controls too. She has always asked me questions regarding s*x and anything like that, so we do have an open communicatin.

It's just the time she spends on it. I never knew parenting would be so hard.

Anyway, we had a great talk and she is not upset, and I feel like we repaired any damage that was done.

[LibraryLover]

Laurie,

I just had a talk with her. I first apologized that I deleted her *works*. She told me it was okay and actually thanked me for apologizing.

I told her that I made a mistake and I should have let her save her works.

Again, she said it was okay. I just wanted her to know that even parents make mistakes and I don't want to change her in anyway. I LOVE those qualities about her, we just have to set firm guide lines and limits.

 

I told her I may allow her to have another account, but only with my complete knowledge of all her passwords etc...and that I would be looking at it daily. The computer is also in our living room so she is never alone with it. I honestly do trust *HER*, I do not trust what is out there for her to be exposed to. She is very innocent, naive and a good girl. I know I am not kidding myself when I say this. My biggest fear is her being exposed to the garbage out there on the internet. I have always seen all her sites she goes to daily. On our computer I can check history. I do it daily, mainly out of habit and I have never seen on inappropriate website. We do have parental controls too. She has always asked me questions regarding s*x and anything like that, so we do have an open communicatin.

It's just the time she spends on it. I never knew parenting would be so hard.

Anyway, we had a great talk and she is not upset, and I feel like we repaired any damage that was done.

 

 

You are so very obviously *not* a failure! :grouphug: What wonderful life lessons about love your are teaching your child.

[Love2Smile]

You are so very obviously *not* a failure! :grouphug: What wonderful life lessons about love your are teaching your child.

From your lips to God's ears! :001_smile:

[mamamace]

I totally agree w/many of the wonderful posts regarding spending more time, doing activities together, allowing her creativity to thrive w/her computer time, etc.

 

You also mentioned junk food and cutting back on it. I definitely agree! I grew up eating tons of processed food and drinking diet coke like it was water. In the past few years, I have spent a lot of time researching about processed food, additives, artificial colors, MSG, etc. These chemicals have tremendous effects on the human body, especially brain chemistry.

 

We have made a lot of changes in our diet, and we feel much better. What we put inside our bodies has so much of an effect on how we feel about ourselves, our motivation in life, and so on. It is so difficult in this fast paced world, and of course, you are never going to completely eliminate it! But little by little, changes can be made. You are doing a wonderful job of loving your child and are setting a great example for your daughter.