babs Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 We have a lovely home with much for kids to do. We happily share it with friends by offering to host parties and other events. I am also free about inviting my dc's friends over. But over the years (and I have noticed this for 5+ years) I notice that my children are RARELY invited back. There is little to no reciprocity. I am fine with this as it means I can do the supervising and really get to know the kids my dc are with. BUT it makes me wonder if other families do not like my dc...Why are we not invited back? Should I be finding out why - is there some gross shortcoming in their manners that I should track down? (I think they are polite - I insist on respect and first time obedience - and have taught them not to ask for snacks!) If so, how would I find this out without tipping off these other moms that they are not inviting us over - I don't want that whole ball of wax either! Would love any feedback. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 I highly doubt it. My guess is it has nothing to do with your kids. Most moms are thankful that the OTHER mom is hosting because don't care to. :D Have you noticed other kids going over to other kids' houses? In other words, if you have 5 family's kids over do you notice or know about them going to each others' houses often and you aren't invited? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jann in TX Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 We are the 'come to' house for my dd's friends. She RARELY--maybe once or twice a year--gets an invite to their house(s). I asked one of the moms the reason--she answered frankly--she and her husband just DO NOT want to deal with the noise and mess that comes from having other children over. She also tries to 'farm' her children out on the weekends so that she and her DH can have some quiet time together. We have had their oldest daughter over every other weekend for the past 4 years--we joke that it is part of a custody arrangement! (We do not mind as we really really do like their dd who happens to be our middle dd's best friend). Do I like the fact that my dd is not asked over her friend's house?--No, but I much rather know where my dd is and what she is doing--and that she is well supervised. DH and I are happy to provide a safe and 'fun' house for our teen dds friends! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chai Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 We have the same issue. I have certainly examined my dd's behavior (and our own). My theory is that we are "inviters" and most other people are not. They love to come to our home, but they don't typically invite anyone to theirs. (DD does get invited to birthday parties--the one time of the year when most parents will make an effort to invite others.) Continue what you are doing and enjoy it! Think of all those people who would have to stay shut up in their own homes other wise! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhonda in TX Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 People are just not as hospitable as they used to be. I doubt it's personal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secular_mom Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 We have a lovely home with much for kids to do. We happily share it with friends by offering to host parties and other events. Maybe some of them feel that their home would be too boring for your kids, or that it otherwise isn't 'up to par'. I also agree that some of them probably just don't enjoy dealing with other peoples kids and the mess and noise that come along with them. Some of them are probably busy too. I wouldn't take it personally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 I agree with others, in that most people don't want to have to deal with a lot of kids. My house is always full of kids and my kids are rarely invited back. That's fine with me. I like being the one to supervise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeatherLynn Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 We do host children often, but it is not something we really *enjoy*. We make a conscious effort to do so, but almost every family is very reciprocative. We used to NEVER have other kids over because we cannot stan ill behavior and for awhile it seemed every child was ill mannered. That has changed in this area, the kids all seem to be pretty good and we are learning to enjoy having company. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueinNC Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 I would love for our house to be like yours. And you know your dc and friends are in a safe invironment. Our house is always in a state of remodeling including the outside. I would be embarrassed to have someone over seeing remodeling tools laying all over, the foundation dug out, backhoes in the yard, mud everywhere from the constant rain etc. Animals running all over the place. But, that's what we got when we elected to buy a fixer upper in the country. It is just slow work because we do the work ourselves and pay cash as we go. Plus, we live way out in the country. City folks are not used to the extra driving just to visit. We have very good friends who are not the best of housekeepers (her words, not mine- I think her house is fine). She is too embarrassed to invite people over too. Many would like their house to be in perfect readiness before inviting guests. And in the real world for most of us, it is difficult to maintain a spotless house 24/7. But, we do have friends that succeed or accept their house the way it is and invite us over anyways. And I am grateful. My dd is an only and enjoys playdates. I don't mind doing the driving. I even bring snacks or pizza with us for all to enjoy so the hostess doesn't always feel like she is feeding us. So sometimes, it just a matter that they feel their house/furniture/accessories will not measure up and you might reject them when all they want is to be accepted. If these same kids keep coming back and are enjoying themselves at your house, please know that it is not you or your kids. We would love to reciprocate back but the yard is all muddy, the house in a state of repair or a mess, or actually think that you are so popular and outgoing that you couldn't possibly have time to visit us etc, etc. But here is a big thank you for you and for families like yours. We really do appreciate the invites and enjoy visiting your homes. I am not sure what we would do without friends like you. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom2boys Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 I agree with the other posters. I doubt it has anything to do with your children. Some people, like myself, are not natural hostesses, and find entertaining stressful. We do have people over, but I find it exhausting. And some people just don't want the hassle of supervising other people's kids, and would be glad to be rid of their own for an afternoon. So, why not send them to the fun house where they are always welcome? ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 :iagree: Yep. What they said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeachGirl Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 I would love to be the house that everyone goes to but because of general messiness and not having the cool toys that other kids really want to play with, people just don't come to our house. Kids prefer my dd to come over to their house to play because they have more stuff to entertain than a little one bedroom apartment can house. I can't compete since I am a one income single parent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 What everyone else said. It always seems to evolve that kids gravitate to one particular house as the 'hang out house' for one reason or another. Has nothing to do with your kids not being well mannered...if they weren't the other kids wouldn't be piling in at your place! If it really bothers you, my only suggestion is figuring out a way to talk to one of the parents about it, and some how suggesting that they host now and again. I have absolutely no idea how to go about that conversation though. :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i.love.lucy Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 We have very good friends who are not the best of housekeepers (her words, not mine- I think her house is fine). She is too embarrassed to invite people over too. Many would like their house to be in perfect readiness before inviting guests. And in the real world for most of us, it is difficult to maintain a spotless house 24/7. But, we do have friends that succeed or accept their house the way it is and invite us over anyways. And I am grateful. So sometimes, it just a matter that they feel their house/furniture/accessories will not measure up and you might reject them when all they want is to be accepted. But here is a big thank you for you and for families like yours. We really do appreciate the invites and enjoy visiting your homes. I am not sure what we would do without friends like you. :) :iagree: Do I know you? Because you are describing me! I'm in the middle of this right now. My dd keeps getting invited over to a friends house. it's the "fun" house. They have 3 kids, cats (which we don't and dd LOVES) and a POOL! But I have been feeling so bad that I haven't had her daughter over here more. She just always calls first. Her youngest has autism and needs heavy supervision, so she stays home mostly. I think she just figures that she's home anyways, why not make it fun for the other 2 and not a burden. KWIM? I am not as self-conscious about this girl coming here as some. Her house is clean but not perfect. But I do find myself thinking that my house must be SPOTLESS in order to have anyone over, even an 8 year old. I am hyper-critical of my home but feel helpless when it comes to keeping it up. It's just too hard with an active family, pets, and other kids around. Plus I have crappy white tile that is never clean. :glare: We do have one friend that I can't stand it when she comes over. The mom or the daughter. Her home looks like a model - I'm not kidding. The child is an only, and a girl, and pretty neat anyways. It's just unacceptable to leave anything out or make a mess. While I don't want my kids to be like that, I feel horribly self-conscious when she comes over! Actually, homeschooling has helped me a lot! I have all kinds of friends now who's kids are home all the time like mine and might mess up the house! And moms that are too busy to worry about it too much. I love it!!:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom0012 Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 (edited) I suspect it's because the other moms either don't want to host or they just don't make it a priority. My children have a number of friends that they have had for years only because I make the effort to get them over to our house. Occasionally, someone will reciprocate, but it is very rare. I used to take it personally and wonder if I should try to keep the relationships going, but I finally realized that it really isn't personal, I just need to accept I will always be the one making the effort. I've decided I'm totally willing to do that for my kids. In the end, it's actually easier for me to have kids dropped off here than running mine from one end of the county to the other anyway. Sometimes my kids do want to go to their friends' houses as well, but I just tell them I can't invite them to someone else's house. Lisa ETA: After reading some of the other posts about people not feeling their houses aren't clean enough, I wanted to add that mine is not a model home. I try to keep up with things the best I can and I used to really try to make things perfect when people came over, but as I am getting older, I just don't care what people think as long as things are within a realm of reasonableness. I also enjoy going to homes where things are not immaculate and perfect. It makes me feel that the other person feels comfortable with me and considers me a friend when they don't try to make things spotless before I arrive. Edited June 12, 2009 by LisaTheresa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Staci in MO Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 I agree with what the other posters said. There could be many reasons, and I wouldn't take it personally. If they truly didn't like your dc, they wouldn't be coming over so often. I also noticed that you have three ds close in age. That could be part of it, too. When same-sex siblings are close in age, I usually feel like I should invite all of them so someone doesn't feel left out. But if the parents have told their dc that each could invite one friend over, it might be harder because they may think of your dc as a "package deal." :) If my oldest ds invited three brothers, and my middle dd invited three sisters, and my youngest ds invited three brothers, I suddenly have twelve kids in my house. :eek: I really think it's just a matter of your house being the fun house. Enjoy it, it's a compliment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Some of the reasons already mentioned apply to me: I'm not a great housekeeper--pretty lousy, actually. I do have extended family over occasionally for special occasions. We tend to take turns at each other's houses. Another reason--it just hasn't occurred to me! At my kids' age, they aren't really going anywhere yet. But inviting people over just hasn't been something I've been conscious of yet, until now--we've recently become involved with a group of people who are very hospitable. It's like a light bulb turned on in my head. Hey, I need to do this. And I want to, because this is a group of people I can really be friends with, and going to each others' houses is a good way to get to know each other more. I have a friend who is very social, and seems to have people over often. I'd like to be like that, but I think for her it comes naturally. For me, I need to learn how. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liza Q Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 We have the fun house as well, which makes my husband and I laugh because we have the least space and the most crotchety neighbors! I am much more likely to entertain my daughters' friends than my own. Because we homeschool, my husband and I want to be sure that our children have plenty of time having fun with their friends and it has become a priority for us! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 But here is a big thank you for you and for families like yours. We really do appreciate the invites and enjoy visiting your homes. I am not sure what we would do without friends like you. :iagree: I wish our home was more like yours. I don't think other children enjoy coming here as much as they enjoy some other homes because we do not have many of the cooler toys and we don't do video games very often. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cougarmom4 Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Babs--I want our house to be the house that all the kids want to come to...it doesn't come naturally to me and it does stress me out (like other posters I feel like the house is never clean enough)...but I sincerely do want to be more willing & inviting to my kids' friends. What are some of the fun things you have for kids to do at your house? I'd love some new ideas! Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babs Posted June 13, 2009 Author Share Posted June 13, 2009 that I posted earlier today. Your responses gave me such clarity and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my chest!!! I truly thought my family was some sort of misfit group that was being shunned for my shortcomings as a mom/teacher. So, it was of great benefit to me to know the other side. I was so encouraged by the posts from others in my position - I agree. I do want my kids and their friends at MY house. But my kids wonder why they can't go to the friend's house. Yes, we have great toys (trampoline, go cart, horses, and lots of dirt and rocks and trees), but my kids get tired of their own stuff - and as people, we all enjoy seeing how others live! PLEASE know that my house it FAR from spotless. My kids and friends track in lots of dirt. I do not relish the mess the kids create that we inevitably clean up afterwards. And hosting is not natural - it takes work. And I have had to let things go, like the clean standard! I just wanted to be clear that when I said my home was lovely it was not in a house beautiful magazine cover sort of way. Rather, it is a safe, comfortable (albeit old) and naturally beautiful place. Knowing that we are not being invited is not personal makes me feel a bit empowered - I might just start telling moms to sunscreen their own children before they drop them off (I really HATE sunscreeing 12 yo boys whose mom's are sunscreen lovers - ICK!). I also might just tell them when they can come back - instead of being an open ended babysitting service!!! I am not saying that any of those honest moms who posted are doing these things, but it has been my own experience and now I feel a bit heady with the knowledge that it is NOT me!!! So, y'all made my day. Maybe even my year. Decade...I had been struggling with this for years and I feel free!!! THANK you THANK you THANK you all - SWB too for hosting this forum where I can ask an honest Q and get so many honest answers!!! Truly priceless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babs Posted June 13, 2009 Author Share Posted June 13, 2009 :iagree: I wish our home was more like yours. I don't think other children enjoy coming here as much as they enjoy some other homes because we do not have many of the cooler toys and we don't do video games very often. We don't have video games either - just lots of dirt, sticks and rocks really. Snacks attract kids too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted June 13, 2009 Share Posted June 13, 2009 I understand all the reasons and I certainly have compassion for the people with chronic illnesses or remodeling, my house is far from perfect.... but I'm wearing out from hostessing all of the time. I stopped inviting certain groups to see if there would ever be reciprocation...and the friendships faded. I felt very used. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted June 13, 2009 Share Posted June 13, 2009 It is so awesome that you are feeling great about this! Great job taking control of the situation. I admire your willingness to set boundaries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 13, 2009 Share Posted June 13, 2009 I had some friends who I always invited over here (and sometimes they even invited themselves over!) In frustration one day I finally mentioned something to one of them - her response was "I keep waiting for you to invite yourself over! I thought we were beyond the 'waiting for an invitation' stage of our friendship." It took me a bit to get over it but now I invite myself to their house shamelessly! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 My son lives at a neighbour's house afternoons and weekends. They usually only come here just to look at my son's snake, pick something up....then they go back there. The truth is, with my husband working from home as well.....I like it this way. We do have plenty of games and electronic stuff, but so do the neighbours. I actually am glad for my son....the other mum thinks he is a great influence on her sons, a wonderful and polite kid. We keep wondering if she is talking about our son. But apparently he does appear to behave himself there! Dh and I feel its good for him that he learns to get along with other people, and also to spend time away from us (and the truth is, us away from him. Its healthy for us all!). These neighbours have good values and are good parents, and they send ds home when they have had enough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Katia Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 Plus, we live way out in the country. City folks are not used to the extra driving just to visit. Has anyone ever actually said this to you? Because, I have heard this phrase a LOT....and I don't agree with it at all. Seems like an invalid excuse. We have friends that live in the country (ranchers) that we drive 1 1/2 hours one way to visit them.......and we don't have a problem with that. We LOVE leaving the confines of the city to have some freedom.....run and play.....ride the horses....feed the goats.......whatever. I just don't understand where that idea comes from that we in the city are not used to the extra driving? Of course we are! And we enjoy it! So, drop that excuse and invite those city folks out. They'll come and have a ball. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtotkbb Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 We always have extra kids at our house --my dh nicknamed me the "Kool-Aide" mom years ago. We have a large home and we planned it that way to have lots of room for kids, toys, games, etc. So, we are the daytime play house for neighborhood kids and I'm the one willing to host seasonal parties for my kids friends. I like having the kids all here w/ their friends bec I know where they are and what they are doing. My kids range in age from 6 to 21 so we have all ages at various time. My oldest ds had a friend once that gave me a hug late at night after a Christmas Party and said, "Thank you so much for always being a place we could come, someone we could chat with, someone to make food for us, ---just Thanks for being open to all of us." She told me her mom would never have done any of that. I almost cried. There are times it gets tiring, it gets expensive --esp. with older boys, and there is generally a mess (although the older ones do usually help clean up), but I'm glad they feel like they have a place where they can be comfortable. I do know have some parents though that are sending boxes of juice pkts, a bag of chips, a brownie mix box so I'll make it for their kids, etc. I actually had one neighbor who brought pizzas down to our neighborhood pool bec I'm the mom who will sit at the pool with the kids --she didn't stay, but she fed the crew! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 This may have already been stated - I didn't read all the other responses. The first thing that comes to mind for me is that, if you have such a great place for kids and such a nice home, perhaps they feel their home is inferior and that your kids would be bored there. I don't know....but I have definitely spoken with other moms who talk about being "embarassed" to invite someone to their home because of one reason or another and I would think that embarassment would be tripled if they were inviting kids who had a nice home with tons of fun stuff to do to an average home with little to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSMom2One Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 I have a warm, cozy house with an open door policy to dd's friends. As nice as it is for watching movies, making art projects, playing dolls and various other little girl activities that are quiet, it isn't a great place to be sporty and active. We don't have a pool or much to do outside unless you want to take a walk to the park. For this reason, my dd's visits with friends are at the other's houses at least 75% of the time. She has three really close friends who have big yards and lots to do (including horse riding) when the weather is nice. Although her friends do come here and always seem to enjoy their visits, the kids end up at dd's friend's houses more often. My guess when I read your post is that you have a really great place for the kids to play and hang out. It is a real compliment to you and your family that they want to come and be with you. Blessings, Lucinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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