familiarity breeding contempt - polite question

[Ibbygirl]

Here in Australia everyone makes nicknames out of peoples' names. Sometimes they are quite rude or wierd or bizarre, but its a friendly thing. I personally don't make a big deal out of it.

I recently changed my name back to my birth name, which is Susan. I get all sorts of nicknames..I don't mind. But some people find it hard to remember my name change and some just refuse to change it until I gently remind them. What to do.

Sometimes I think things like that are just a message from the universe to stop taking yourself so seriously and loosen up a bit.

My kids get called nicknames by their friends. We didn't choose their nicknames for them and that's part of their interaction with the world. I personally think its a form of endearment that people make up nicknames.

 

Latinos do this too. Just about everybody has a nickname that they go by and some people may have several. My kids and husband have several that I call them. Whereas your proper name is given to you by your parents and you have no say in the matter, a nickname is usually given to you by friends or family and is chosen for you based on something that has to do with you.... looks, personality or a funny incident and therefore as Peela says, it's often endearing. I don't mind nicknames at all or informalities. I think it's all cool. I have been called Jessica, Samantha, Melissa (my name is actually Jennifer) and it doesn't bother me. I'll just tell them what my name is really and then forget about it. I don't get miffed if people call me honey or sweetheart, it's their way of trying to be nice. I personally think that it is better to be gracious and allow connections to people rather than to take it personally or as an insult and put up walls. Just my humble 2 cents for the half cent that their worth. ;) :D

[fivetails]

eh... people mess my name up all the time. My parents thought it would be fun to name their Canadian daughter after an American city - they should have chosen "New York" or something that people actually recognized and knew how to say. Nooooo, they picked "Cheyenne" --- which nobody can ever spell or say or remember. I gave up long ago and I'll answer to: Shauna, Sharlene, Shania, Sheila, Shannon, Shayla, Sherry, Shilo, Sharon, and whatever other Shhhhh sounding name someone spits out. ;)

 

(My science teacher in grade eight called me "Champagne" all year.:cheers2:)

[stripe]

Well, I have a relative who (in her 40s) wanted to go back to her birth name, not a nickname. By now, everyone has complied, except my grandma, who still calls her by the nickname (she does this with many others, and usually she's the one who invents the nickname). Interestingly, my grandma is an ardent believer that when children reach adulthood, they should change their names to ones of their choice!

[angela in ohio]

I remember when we first moved to California it seemed odd that when they ask for your name at a restaurant (for reservations) they want your FIRST name. I'm not sure--is everywhere on a first name basis now (I've lived out here almost 20 years), or is it just a west coast thing?

 

We're in a Midwest city, and I can only think of one restaurant that uses first names. It must be a regional thing. The practical side of me says that it would be much more common for two parties to have the same first name than the same last name. That might get confusing.

[Sumiller]

I was trying to pronounce it with different accents. Spanish sounded the best.

 

 

I hope Martha won't take offense but I thought maybe she was trying to keep her privacy by not revealing her real last name. . .it looks to me like

 

Mrs. 'So and So'

 

If I'm wrong. I apologize.

[KidsHappen]

It funny, reading this thread I realized that no one in my family is called by their given names by any one else in the family. My brothers and I all have formal names that have nicknames. As kids, we all went by our formal names except for my oldest brother who was a Jr. and went by Jr. He now goes by his formal name and the rest of us go by our nicknames but we all continue to call each other whatever we did as a child. I am sure that it confuses the dickens out of anyone who doesn't know us.

 

My husband prefers the shortened version of his name and will correct anyone who calls him the formal name even though it is required on some paperwork.

 

My son has a formal name with a nickname. The family calls him his formal name. Everyone else calls him his nickname.

 

One that puzzles me though is that I have one dd named Miranda and many people call her Mandy. Where the heck does that come from? It not like it's an unusual name and that's not a common nickname.

 

One dd's was named after the continent Asia where she was born and people have the hardest time with it even though it is spelled exactly the same. I have to tell them just like the continent before they get it. It is becoming a more common name now so she has that problem less and less.

 

And one of my dd just has a horrible time with her name. It is a lovely name but people just don't know what to do with it. For one thing, I made it up to begin with which didn't help I guess and now there is a star with a name that sounds exactly the same but is spelled differently. Her name is Rhianna. I took the name from the song Rhiannon and changed the ending because I liked the sound better. Now there is a star named Rihanna so people either get the pronounciation right and the spelling wrong or the other way around. I really had no idea that it would be such a problem as there are lots of Brianna's running around. I figured that people would get that it was pronounced almost the same. She is 17 and in all that time we have only run into two other people with the same name (even spelled the same way). I was shocked both times as they also predated the star with that name. Now for the funny. About half the time, family calls her Nana.

 

One dd has an unusual name but it is a common word and no one has a problem with it. We have never met another person with this name although we have heard of one.

 

The final girl has what has turned out to be a very common name. When I picked it, I had never heard a girl named that and my husband really fought me on it because he said that it was a boy's name. Well, now it seems every other little girl has this name. Miranda has the same problem. We picked hers out of Shakespeare. Never heard another girl named that but now they are everwhere.

[PinkInTheBlue]

My name is Jessica. Not Jessie. Not Jess. Jessica. Thank you very much :) LOL

[Highereducation]

My full name is Kristin. It's pretty common now, but 40 years ago it wasn't. Hence, I got called Kirsten, Kristine, Kristian, Kristi, Krystal, etc. In high school I went by Krissy, but that got old pretty quick. Nowadays I go by Kris. It's straight to the point and pretty hard for people to hear or pronounce incorrectly!

 

Still, the other day, I got called Susan. Because the person said I *look* like a Susan.:confused:

[Murphy101]

You guys are cracking me up over pronouncing Soandso!:lol:

 

I do think, though, that you should ask your husband not to call you publically by a name you don't want others to use (other than a term of endearment). If your name is Susan and your husband calls you Susie, people are simply going to pick up on that and assume that your husband calls you your preferred name. Of course, if he's calling you, "baby doll" then I think you can expect them not to use that:)

 

my dh rarely calls me anything other than Martha outside the house. And no one except his dad has ever called him "Bob, and even his dad only does it when ticked off to annoy him.

 

I tried to give my kids non-nickname names, but it didn't work. David = dave, Ethan - Eth, Jesse = Jes Aaron = ron (which even he hates at the age of 6 and is very vocal about it "I hate that name, you think you need to call me Aaron!" )

 

Now my biggest peeve is the 2 we nicknamed ourselves and planned to do so at birth, Katie and Tobey. People seem to think they can just call my kid anything. We've actually had people say, "Well I'm just going to call you Kathy. :glare: and get ticked when any of the 9 of us able to speak (3yr old is quiet and 4mo is not a talker yet;)) instantly pipe upthat they shoudl not be calling her that!)

 

I have been called Michelle, Marsha, Margaret, Marla, Marlee (my dh's grandparents called me this right up until my mother's funneral, 4 yrs into my marriage. apparently learning I had the same name as a dead woman made it stick.:confused:)

 

When it's an honest mistake like that, I have no problem correcting them, "No, I answer to Martha." as in an unspoken hint that I do not answer to other names.

 

If someone who had known us for years jokingly called my Bob, he emphaticly corrects them, hands them a beer and moves on.

 

But he has introduced himself as Mr. Soandso or Robert and instantly gotten, "Bob, ..." or "Robbie" which sound childish and comes off as even more tacky. He is not a child. He is a professional hardworking man with 9 children for crying out loud.

 

What the heck is up with that? These are not family or friends. These are strangers or even business contacts, which makes it really tricky when job hunting, kwim? You want them to know your name, the real one, but want to make a good impression!

 

The angela/Angie thing sparked a memory!

My Aunt Angie is actually Mary Angelica Jewel Katherine Soandso-Soandso.

I remember when I was a kid visiting, I ran up to her and said Aunt Angie!!!

And the other adult she was talking to said, "well Angie..."

and boy aunt Angie about took his head off. "It is cute to have a 7 yr old use a term of endearment like Aunt Angie. It's just uncouth for a grown man."

I remember thinking "Yikes, bet he has a new name for her now.":lol:

 

So how do we approach this without getting a new and even less endearing name like my dear Aunt Angie?

[Amy in NH]

DH and I were just talking about this last night. It seems that a company in the southern part of the state wants the business of DH's company. DH ended up being the one to deal with the rep they sent up, and this rep, who introduced himself as "Spike" then proceeded to call my DH "B" instead of by his name (punching him in the arm while doing so (twice!)). :glare: DH was surprised and amused, but also annoyed and slightly offended. I told DH that he should call Spike's company to let them know they can have the business if they send a different rep...

[Mrs Mungo]

the first time my boys went to swim lessons with this awesome coach, she introduced herself as "Kimberlee, not Kim".... Maybe your husband could use the same strategy when he introduces himself to new people...

 

I agree. When I introduce myself I say "My name is Jennifer, you can call me Jen but *not* Jenny." :D

[gardening momma]

I remember when we first moved to California it seemed odd that when they ask for your name at a restaurant (for reservations) they want your FIRST name. I'm not sure--is everywhere on a first name basis now (I've lived out here almost 20 years), or is it just a west coast thing?

They sometimes do that here, but just as often it's the last name.

 

Dh has a friend who never uses his real name in those situations--even when ordering pizza. He says his name is "Magnus."

[gardening momma]

I don't get miffed if people call me honey or sweetheart, it's their way of trying to be nice. I personally think that it is better to be gracious and allow connections to people rather than to take it personally or as an insult and put up walls.

:iagree: I'm without kids for a few hours today, so I went out for fast food for lunch. The girl/woman at the drive thru window used two different endearments, one as a greeting, and one as I left. Can't remember what they were now, something like "sweetie" "honey" and so on. I was a little surprised, but I also thought it was funny.

[elegantlion]

They sometimes do that here, but just as often it's the last name.

 

Dh has a friend who never uses his real name in those situations--even when ordering pizza. He says his name is "Magnus."

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

We went out to eat one New Year's Eve. two hour wait, someone used the name Starving. Made everyone laugh when they called their name.

 

To the OP, I'd have no problem politely correcting them. We have a friend whose name is William and he will correct anyone who calls him Bill.

 

My dh has a common name with a Irish spelling, so I naturally spell it when I have to give his name.

[gardening momma]

But he has introduced himself as Mr. Soandso or Robert and instantly gotten, "Bob, ..." or "Robbie" which sound childish and comes off as even more tacky.

 

So how do we approach this without getting a new and even less endearing name like my dear Aunt Angie?

When he gives his name and is immediately called by a nickname, he should just immediately reply "Robert." Not "it's Robert" or "I prefer Robert." For example:

 

Robert: "Hi, I'm Robert."

Dude: "Hi, Bob."

Robert: "Robert."

 

My mom has a name that is commonly turned into a nickname she despises. She always corrects people. I think her mom was the only one who couldn't bring herself to not use the nickname, and my mom tolerated it.

[Murphy101]

When he gives his name and is immediately called by a nickname, he should just immediately reply "Robert." Not "it's Robert" or "I prefer Robert." For example:

 

Robert: "Hi, I'm Robert."

Dude: "Hi, Bob."

Robert: "Robert."

 

 

yeah. doesn't work.

he has actually gotten back, "what no one calls you Bob"?

to which he might or might not reply, "Not if they want a response."

 

my kids have actually had people say versions of, "Oh well it'll just be my special name for you then won't it?"

 

um, no. naming is a parental decision and if we'd wanted our kid called that, that's what we would have used.:001_huh:

[Orthodox6]

Enjoying this thread !

 

Our eldest is named Vasilios. Ancient, popular, very common Greek name. (He is named for his papou, or, grandfather, and for St. Vasilios the Great.) It is not difficult to pronounce, nor to spell. Nevertheless, people often have asked us if there is a nickname. Sometimes other Greek-Americans would instruct us to call him "Bill", because that is the odd choice used by many of them. There is no etymological connection whatsoever between "Vasilios" and "William" or "Bill" ! ! (The English version is "Basil" -- which we did not wish to use.)

 

When ds attended preschool, his toddler friends called him "Seely". As a toddler, his little sister called him "Sooty". One of his younger brothers, when a toddler, denominated him "Yo-Yo" ! But these were "in-house" names, thus just fine for casual, friendly use.

 

My personal peeve is to be asked for my name, to be inscribed on a coffee cup in the preparation queue. NOT the server's business !

[Impish]

My peeve is the assumption that folks can just use my first name. Sorry, but if your Dr. X, then I'm Mrs. Y, thanks. Especially when I've met you 5 minutes ago. Same goes for service techs, telemarketers, you name it. Do NOT assume that you can use my first name. I've made a point at letting sales ppl know that I am not even willing to consider buying from them because of their presumed familiarity.

[Orthodox6]

I don't get miffed if people call me honey or sweetheart, it's their way of trying to be nice. I personally think that it is better to be gracious and allow connections to people rather than to take it personally or as an insult and put up walls. Just my humble 2 cents for the half cent that their worth. ;) :D

 

I understand -- but can't ever feel comfortable with it. This is a "Southern USA" style of address to which I can't accustom myself, despite years of experiencing it. Your good point of graciously understanding the other person's cultural speech norms is a helpful reminder, though, because these situations occur frequently.

 

Nonetheless, I did take umbrage once, many years ago. While in graduate school, I worked as secretary for a group of chemists. One of the men addressed me as "honey", prefacing a request for some task. Without a word, I walked straight out of his office and ignored the request. (That may sound rude to a "superior", but it was not taken amiss. He never tried that again.) (I did enjoy excellent working relations with all the group members -- even that man !)

[fivetails]

My peeve is the assumption that folks can just use my first name. Sorry, but if your Dr. X, then I'm Mrs. Y, thanks. Especially when I've met you 5 minutes ago. Same goes for service techs, telemarketers, you name it. Do NOT assume that you can use my first name. I've made a point at letting sales ppl know that I am not even willing to consider buying from them because of their presumed familiarity.

 

Now me, I don't really *like* being called "Mrs____" :001_huh:

 

It just feels .. weird. Might be a regional sorta thing though, because I'm noticing a LOT more of that where I live now than I *ever* did back east... but it also makes me feel old! :tongue_smilie:

[mommaduck]

Ugh, yeah. My eldest gets the "Johnny"...he's Jonathan! Or Jon, once he offers that suggestion. I also get irked, but have learned to live with, with people that I intro myself as J*****C****** and they automatically call me C******. Okay, I understand it's easier, I know my husband calls me that, and I know you are flipped out that I dare have a typically persian male first name. Get over it; I like my name. I go by the whole thing online and only those close to me do I prefer using just the C*******. Other wise it's the full thing or JC as I offer.

[Ginevra]

I always have a hard time keeping straight a "Diane" vs. "Diana". If your name is either of those, please grant me mercy. I think both names are lovely and I seem to have some sort of mental block on this name. Whenever I encounter someone whom I know has one of those names, I'm silently coaching myself, "Oh yeah...she's 'DianA'." But I've mistakenly left the "uh" off more times than I care to confess.

 

Same with Kirk/Curt. I can never just say the name casually. I'm going through a mental marathon trying to remember the correct version to apply to a given person. :tongue_smilie:

[Murphy101]

My peeve is the assumption that folks can just use my first name. Sorry, but if your Dr. X, then I'm Mrs. Y, thanks. Especially when I've met you 5 minutes ago. Same goes for service techs, telemarketers, you name it. Do NOT assume that you can use my first name. I've made a point at letting sales ppl know that I am not even willing to consider buying from them because of their presumed familiarity.

 

ug yes.

and I'm not buying that they are trying to be "friendly" because some of the rudest service I've ever gotten is form people using my first name. hmm maybe another case of familiarity breeding contempt??

 

to me referring to a person properly is both friendly and respectful. altho really, in a business setting I think it's inappropriate to refer to someone in a friendly manner. It's really rather decietful isn't it? It's not a friendship - it's business.

 

so yes, I am Mrs. Soandso unless you are actually my friend.

 

I remember once my dh had to attend a kid event. All the adults were supposed to wear name tags.

The lady writing names on tags: "Your name?"

dh: "Soandso"

Lady: "No, your first name."

dh: "Mister or you could just write "sir" if there's not enough space to write Mr. Soandso.""

Lady fills out the tag and rolled her eyes...

 

And I'll admit to telling an OB once that the only man who gets to see me naked AND call me my first name at the same time is the man who gets me pregnant. Dr. B laughed so hard he coudln't do his job for a few minutes, but he also never forgot to call me Mrs. soandso.:lol:

[Danestress]

if you or DH have corrected someone several times, then at some point they are choosing to do something that they know annoys you. Perhaps they like the power. Perhaps they like challenging you. Not much you can do about it, really. You can't make someone call you what you want.

 

At that point, if you have politely asked several times, then I think you just have to be the bigger person and let it go.

[joannqn]

My daughter prefers her nickname. I taught her to say, "I prefer to be called _______ please."

 

My son has decided that he's too old for his nickname so we are all trying to get used to calling him by his name or a more grown up sounding nickname that he's ok with. I need to remind him of how to be polite about expressing his preference as he tends to angrily say his preferred name instead.

 

I think if someone refuses to call you by your preferred name after you've repeatedly asked them to, your only options are to either discuss it more fully with them by telling you how you feel about it and setting a firm boundary that you will no long respond by the nickname, quit responding to the nickname without the extra talk, or accept it.

 

If you chose to talk with them, you might try saying, "I feel disrespected when you call me _______________ even though I have asked you repeatedly to use my real name. Please stop calling me ___________. I prefer ____________. I will no longer respond to ___________ as it is not my name. Thank you for listening and using my real name in the future."

[Nicole M]

My personal peeve is to be asked for my name, to be inscribed on a coffee cup in the preparation queue. NOT the server's business !

 

I always bring my own mug. That way I can drink my coffee incognito. :D

 

(I love the name Vasilios!)

[orangearrow]

lol, this happened in reverse to my dad. His "real" name is Bobby - most people call him either Bob or Bobby - but in "formal" situations he was forever being introduced as Robert. All wedding invitations we received were to "Mr and Mrs Robert...". It did sort of irk him because it would happen even with people we knew really, really well. lol

[Ravin]

I get called Judy a lot. It's annoying. It's JODI, thank you. Never mind that no one spells it right, including my FIL's wife. I think she has it written down wrong in her address book or something. I do tolerate it from Spanish-speakers, who can't seem to pronounce it, even though the vowel is the same as the "o" in Spanish.

 

My mom often calls us by wrong names, but usually it's a case of mixing us up. Nicknames do get used in our family, but only if they're liked by the person so named. I have one sister who has gone by Rae for years now; Her given name is Rachael and that's what we called her as a kid, or "Rach", but at some point her friends started calling her Rae, she liked it, and at some point she got family to make the switch, too.

 

I went through a phase where I went by "Jo" (Inspired by The Facts of Life), but then the kids at church nicknamed me "GI Jo" which I hated.

 

Now I've just got a lot of friends who call me Hrefna, which is my SCA name. (Actually, I tend to get called "The other Hrefna" a lot, because there's another Hrefna who's had the name longer and been around in the Society longer than me, and I sign emails on SCA lists "Hrefna G so there's no confusion.) Even the kids I babysit, whose parents are in the SCA with me, call me Hrefna.

 

DD's name throws people for a loop; they hear "Luthien" as "Lucien", and tend to guess it's a boy's name. Her short hair doesn't help, even when she's dressed in pink girlie clothes. She told me the other day she wished she was a boy because then she'd have a boy name; I told her she'd be "Junior". She didn't like the sound of that.

 

DH goes by his middle name with family and his first name with everyone else. His first name is the same as his dad's, but his dad goes by "Jim" and he's always "James". Oddly, he also has a first cousin named "James".

 

At work we're supposed to follow the "CHANT" rule, "Customers Have A Name Too." Which means we're supposed to call customers whose credit cards, checks, or name badges from work we see by their names. I do this some, but not as much as I should, probably. Partly it's because it feels a bit wierd and nosy to me, personally. Partly because sometimes it's a hard call to use first or last name (I usually use Mr. or Ms. Lastname for older folks; within a decade of my own age or the college crowd I'll go with first name, unabbreviated), and we get a lot of people with South Asian and East Asian names that either I have no clue how to pronounce (Chinese/Korean), or are too long for me to absorb the name in a brief glimpse at ID (Indian). Anyone with a Muslim name I'll usually use the last name if I use a name, on the assumption that that person will find the formality more appropriate.

 

It could be I overthink it too much. But I don't want to make customers uncomfortable by mangling their names, or because Wal-Mart corporate culture clashes with...well, apparently the expectations of a lot of people!