we'll light a candle mid-afternoon here in SoCal for you! hoping it all goes fabulously well! ann

i just saw this. many, many prayers and good wishes. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: ann

if its a chore, i think by definition it isn't fun. but cooking isn't a chore ;), and baking is definitely not a chore. and i like hanging laundry out at night in the desert summer. the great horned owl will often hoot away at me, and the breeze is gentle, and its only about 80 degrees, and the stars are spectacular. i have reached a point where i don't actively dislike most of it, its just something that has to be done and i do it. fwiw, ann

hi - i don't think you did anything wrong. maybe you just weren't playing the game the way they like to play it, kwim? did you make a counter offer? eg. price out tires and tune up, then offer what they are offering minus what it will cost you to do those things. i think new tires and a tune up is par for the course, so he may also have felt you were being unreasonable. (i'm not saying you were, but i can see it from the other side) and do they offer a warranty where they will do major repairs within a month of purchase? if so, then if the tune up shows major difficulties they will have to fix it then. one strategy we have used is to find a similar or preferably identical car/van within a few hours drive for less money, then to call our local dealership and say that we'd rather keep our business local, and if they can match the other price we will buy from them. it hasn't failed us yet. good luck! ann ps. actually, i just realized that isn't quite right. our last car, a new mazda 5, we bought from a dealership 2.5 hours away, because the local one wouldn't match the price, even when dh said to them "you realize i am going to hang up and call these folks and buy the car from them and they will have the sale and you won't", and they agreed they understood that. oh well.... their call. that 2.5 hour drive saved us $2500.

on the one hand, there is the moral high ground. on the other hand, we have had generations on the high ground, and people are still being shot because they aren't white. my hunch is that some violence is unrestrained anger, and other violence is opportunistic. but really, the inequal application of the law has got to stop. and i have a great need not to blame the victims. fwiw, ann

i just found this site. has anyone tried it? http://www.5dollardinners.com/gluten-free-slow-cooker-freezer-packs-costco-meal-plan/ its an intriguing idea. ann

i'm not familiar with the book, but reading the blurbs on line it sounds like something that would work even if only one person was doing it. the other partner will over time respond to the actions of love. here's one of the quotes: Leading Your Heart, Instead of Vice Versa. Practice choosing love when it isn’t your instinctive response.fwiw, during a lonely time in our lives, i started walking with dh to his car when he left in the morning. he had coffee, so i grabbed a cup, too. we would kiss goodbye at his car, and that was that.... for the first several weeks. then, i commented on a vegetable in the garden, and we stood and chatted for a minute or two. that has become five minutes most mornings, but it means the last thing he sees as he leaves is me signing "i love you". it is glue when we need it. i would encourage her to choose actions of love, even just one or two a day, and see what happens. it might be worth her crunching numbers, too... divorce is hard, and sometimes separate lives within a marriage is better than separate lives outside a marriage. hth, ann ps. i agree that sometimes newly divorced women will inadvertently encourage others to follow their lead, but most women i know who have been divorced for a while do almost anything they can to encourage women to stay in their marriages. divorce is hard in just about every way.

i would make sour dough starter, and then bake bread. eggs. if you are allowed chickens where you live, i would buy hens as old as i could find them (up to a year old so they will lay now). they can survive on kitchen scraps. that way, you will have eggs for a few years. i would plant tomatoes, onions, garlic, etc, etc. depending on where you live. ie. southern states you can still plant. northern states, you may want to plant in pots so you can move them indoors. i would go to minimal meat. i do fairly well in the reduced meat section of alberson's, but that is not true for all people/stores. frozen veggies are just as nutritious, and avoid waste because you only cook what you need. good luck! (soups here stretch everything) ann

:grouphug: :grouphug: i see my mil tomorrow. its her son that will never measure up to her expectations, and then by extension her son's wife (me) and his children. we have been quite open with our kids about how it goes. would it help you ds for you to say something like "when dmil sees you, she remembers your dad at your age. you look alike, don't you? but she forgets that you have a part of me in you, too, and then it always surprises her when you behave more like me than like dad. so if she snaps, just remember its because she was suprised, okay?" its hard for all of us, i think, well, at least its hard for me to remember that someone's reaction has at least as much to do with who they are as with who i am, and maybe even more. its not a bad thing for our kids to begin to realize that, too. fwiw, ann

this might be a good place for indy to start. it begins by defining terms. eg. what are israel and palestine? why are they fighting? it has a series of 26 cards/screens. its hard for there to be no bias, but they've tried. http://www.vox.com/cards/israel-palestine/intro

my latest was the fifth call that day from the same energy company. "hello, mrs. elfgivas. how are you today?" "well, if you are from abc energy, i am very, very angry". sputter, sputter, click. no more calls. i don't usually lose it, but i did. ann

so i feel better knowing he's admitted to the ER. that's much better than being in a hotel room by himself. i am so glad he went!!! they take allergic/stress reactions seriously, which is good! it might be a good idea to let the company know what happened and where he is. (ie. there are people in chicago who ought to be concerned about him!) hugs, ann

so helpful, esp. the math link for us! thank you! ann

we started with people we knew who worked in public schools, asked for recommendations, and then called. the first one said yes. i also asked dc if any of their facebook friends were taking AP, and what schools they went to. after the initial contact, everything was thru the secretary and then the teacher responsible for administering the exams. it all went very well. fwiw, ann

my mum lives in niagara-on-the-lake (canadian side). things we love on the canadian side: the butterfly pavilion http://www.niagarafallslive.com/butterfly_conservatory_in_niagara_falls.htm the bird exhibit http://www.birdkingdom.ca/ lunch at the restaurant at the falls (reserve a window seat) http://www.niagarafallsstatepark.com/top-of-the-falls-restaurant.aspx theatre in niagara-on-the-lake (shaw festival, but also one musical each year - this year it is cabaret) http://www.shawfest.com/playbill/ wine tasting in niagara-on-the-lake. we visit a different winery each day @ 4pm and pay ~ 3 dollars for a glass of something lovely. https://www.niagaraonthelake.com/Wineries visiting laura secord's home and the brock monument (war of 1812). there is a good tour available, and when we were last there you could sign out toys that laura would have played and play them on the lawn (like the 3 graces). laura secord is also a chocolate shop (like see's candies) and ice cream and chocolate are available on site. http://www.niagaraparks.com/niagara-falls-attractions/laura-secord-homestead.html http://www.niagaraparks.com/niagara-falls-attractions/brocks-monument.html on the way to niagara on the lake, you drive by the floral clock. http://www.niagaraparks.com/niagara-falls-attractions/floral-clock.html you can also rent bicycles and ride along the river, although the path is about fifty feet above the river itself. it is fun and beautiful. hth - have a glorious time! ann eta: there are tons of legitimate coupons on line, and also a book available for free in niagara falls itself that has coupons. we also like the maid of the mist ride, and the behind the falls walk, but other folks had already mentioned them, and they are a bit pricier.

that's how i do it here in the mojave desert, too! and i hang t-shirts, blouses, work shirts etc. on plastic hangers and hang them from door frames/shower curtain rods, etc... that way, when they are dry, they just go straight into the closet. i hang black inside out if i need to dry it in the daytime. small things go on a drying rack. hth, ann

praying lynn. hope it goes well today.... and tomorrow.... and the next day! :grouphug: ann

take a moment to remember a time when you were peaceful. picture where you were. remember the sites, the sounds, the smell, the feel. this is your peaceful place. visit it in your mind often, until you can just "go" there quickly. one day with my mother in law, i visited my peaceful place 26 times! (mine is a pond on the big island where i swam with sea turtles. i can hear the champagne bubbles popping, see the sunlight thru the water, see a turtle swimming up and past me....) another trick i use is to fully focus on something in my environment and notice it, truly notice it. it might be a bird, a flower, a cloud.... it creates a mini-peaceful place right in the moment. it only takes a minute or two until my breathing slows, and life is brighter. hth, ann

is she thinking of re-testing? if so, we have found that doing practice exams under test conditions every weekend for the six prior to the exam, and then working thru every question, noting what was right and why, and what was wrong and why each week helps a lot. our third dd is high anxiety and dyslexic, but insists on doing tests without accommodation. she ended up with a 4 on AP bio, having been the top of her class. its laborious, but helps. you've had lots of great suggestions of colleges for her to apply to with what she has though. good luck! ann

this is very well said. you have something that is working well. you have a lot to lose, and not much to gain, by changing it/eliminating it. i have ulcerative colitis. i resisted maintenance meds for years. five years ago, i went on one, and it changed my life. i will live longer, and my family is happier. when i forget to take them, i get reminded in a hurry that i need them. i wish bi polar were like that, but it takes days off meds for a change to occur, whereas for me, i know within hours. it helps me not even begin to think i could stop. so i would caution strongly against going off meds, and take heart that many of us need to take meds for something life-long. hugs, ann

i might start with "people of the lie", by m. scott peck. it is about toxic people, including NPD, and it might be helpful to solidify what you are looking at with your dfil. (because there are several diagnostic options to a similar cluster of issues, including borderline personality disorder) it also makes the point better than anything else i've read that the only thing that is likely to change is your reaction to whatever comes. and it is eminently readable. hth, ann

things have changed since i was a military social worker. that said, there are restrictive reporting options that the family advocacy people have (where the unit does not necessarily become informed). flip side, is that i believe military commanders still have the option to issue the protective order, remove service weapons, etc. however, in reality, protective orders aren't worth the paper they are written on. this is the most dangerous time for her and the dc. at our base in germany, we had safe houses off base we could use. perhaps she could ask the family advocacy people about that? we also had the option of restricting the military member to the base, which helped the protective order mean something. we will pray. ann ps. in some situations, trusting the system isn't as good a solution as fleeing. is she at that point do you think?

we don't make excuses for her.... ever. the dc have had the info since they could talk. it was necessary. but every once in a while, we see glimpses of who she could have been; i would love to know that person. fortunately, they also have a grandmother who is a loving grandma.... and that has really helped them be clear that the issue isn't them. we also say "we are kind because of who we are, not because of who she is". and we visit for 24 hours once a year. because that's about all we can manage. it changes who dh is for weeks afterwards. the programming really is deep. we are getting one of our dc ready for camp. dh said tonight how camp was always such a relief for both him and his mom. i am so sad that so many here have had that experience. ann

so much rings so true. i am married to the scapegoat. his wife (me) and children are scapegoats as a result. he is the only one from his family of origin not on anti depressants, and the only one still married. his dear mom has dozens of pictures of his siblings and their children, and one of us. oh well. during the recent move to a retirement home, dmil told each of the children and grandchildren that they should choose some things to have from her house. all went swimmingly well until it came to us. she would ask one of us, we would make the mistake of asking and she would say, "oh no, that's too special". in the end, i suggested she choose something she'd like us to have, and she couldn't. oh well. if i had a dollar for every time i've said, "just because someone doesn't love you the way you need, doesn't mean they don't love you the best they can".... i'd be a millionaire. fwiw, ann

we use it instead of netflix and instead of cable, so for us we save hundreds each year. we also do almost all our shopping on amazon. not so much food, but we do buy seeds, sea salt, etc. there. i figure we save a whole lot that way, because we aren't in a store to see other things we want. ie. we only buy what we went looking for. it would be worth it to us for just the free shipping or just the free streaming, but both is wonderful. fwiw, ann