25 yo man interested in 15 year old girl.

[Scarlett]

I feel like I am too close to the situation. Is this a normal thing? If this was your dd what would you say or do?

[maize]

Tell him to not look at her or talk to her until she is 18.

 

In another time and place this would be absolutely normal, but not in modern American culture. He needs to respect that and back away completely.

[Guest]

Ewwww unless we're talking tightly-monitored mentor-type relationship-- for everyone's sake.

[Scarlett]

Tell him to not look at her or talk to her until she is 18.

 

In another time and place this would be absolutely normal, but not in modern American culture. He needs to respect that and back away completely.

It seems everyone is disturbed by it except her parents and his parents. I am just blown away.

[Janeway]

He would be gone. And I would file charges if he approached her in any way.

[MotherGoose]

I feel like I am too close to the situation. Is this a normal thing? If this was your dd what would you say or do?

 

It's not normal or okay in our culture. Plus it's illegal most places because of age of consent laws. So no. What on earth could a 25 year old man have in common with a fifteen year old on which they could form a relationship? If he was thirty five and she was twenty five, then a ten year age gap doesn't seem so bad. But she's still a child at fifteen and at great risk of abuse. I would do everything in my power to stop it.

[TeenagerMom]

This is what "I" would do (and I have a 17 yr old daughter):

 

If he is actively pursuing her, I would be letting him know I would be contacting the police and looking into a restraining order.

 

If he's just an idiot who mentioned he has the hots for her, I'd let him know that she's a minor and I would pursue legal options if he ever looked at her again.

 

I would warn my daughter that even if she is interested in him that any relationship with him would be illegal and that she should stay far, far away from him or she would land him in jail.

 

I don't have qualms being the ugly psycho hosebeast Mom.

[Garga]

My dear friends were in that situation, but she was the girl and her husband of umpteen years was the man.

 

Her parents watched them like hawks.  They didn't go on dates alone.  He would be invited to the house and have to hang out with the entire family.  She has always been a very mature person--an old soul.  Both of them were grounded people and loved each other for who they were and he was a gentleman and waited for her.  When she was 20-something, she and her husband got married. 

 

She just turned 40 and he'll turn 50 this year.  

 

For the OP, a lot would depend on the people in the situation.  Is the girl particularly mature for her age?  Is the man someone steady?  

Edited October 16, 2017 by Garga

[MotherGoose]

It seems everyone is disturbed by it except her parents and his parents. I am just blown away.

What sort of culture are they from?

[Scarlett]

Ewwww unless we're talking tightly-monitored mentor-type relationship-- for everyone's sake.

I would say it is tightly monitored....but it is definitely romantic interest although they all deny it.

[Scarlett]

What sort of culture are they from?

Oklahoma. Lol.

[catz]

Heck no.  That is not ok at those ages.  25 and 35?  Fine.

[Scarlett]

It's not normal or okay in our culture. Plus it's illegal most places because of age of consent laws. So no. What on earth could a 25 year old man have in common with a fifteen year old on which they could form a relationship? If he was thirty five and she was twenty five, then a ten year age gap doesn't seem so bad. But she's still a child at fifteen and at great risk of abuse. I would do everything in my power to stop it.

Illegal if they are having sex. Which they aren't. Well, I have no reason to thnk they are. But she can't get married until she is 16 even with parental consent.

[Scarlett]

And for the record I am not particularly against young marriages or a 10 year age difference. Just had a couple marry who were 19 and 29. But they didn't start dating until she was living on her own and 19 years old. Huge difference in 15 and 19.

[Tanaqui]

The usual "rule" is half the older age, plus seven. Let's see... 24/2 = 12. 12 + 7 = 19. THE AGE DIFFERENCE IS WAY TOO LARGE! OMG. (Also, getting physical is probably illegal in the US, though age of consent laws vary.)

[Scarlett]

The usual "rule" is half the older age, plus seven. Let's see... 24/2 = 12. 12 + 7 = 19. THE AGE DIFFERENCE IS WAY TOO LARGE! OMG. (Also, getting physical is probably illegal in the US, though age of consent laws vary.)

Yep. Thank you.

 

So we all agree it is weird?

 

The young man was someone I considerd a good example and stable....until, now. Now I am repulsed.

[EKS]

nm

Edited October 16, 2017 by EKS

[AnnE-girl]

It's been over 100 years since that age difference was considered acceptable between Laura and Almonzo. (We just listened to These Happy Golden Years.) Things are different now. I wouldn't allow or encourage that relationship at all.

[Xahm]

I knew a couple almost like that. Not quite as large an age difference, but the interest started earlier, so still just as problematic. When her parents saw he was serious and the interest was mutual, they allowed him to be around her, but only with them present. They are now married, so I guess it worked out, but in between, while he was waiting for her to grow up, things weren't so good. Adult men in romantic relationships aren't really wired to delay sex for five years. That much repression led him to make a couple of bad decisions that could have been far worse.

Edited October 16, 2017 by xahm

[Guest]

I would say it is tightly monitored....but it is definitely romantic interest although they all deny it.

 

Definitely gross, because she's a kid. He's a predator. 

 

After 23-25 (finishing college age), age gaps become more about maturity gaps. Before that, it's too icky. I would think even an 18/25 split is weird. 

[Word Nerd]

At those ages it’s not appropriate. Is this a courtship situation?

[Scarlett]

I knew a couple almost like that. Not quite as large an age difference, but the interest started earlier, so still just as problematic. When her parents saw he was serious and the interest was mutual, they allowed him to be around her, but only with them present. They are now married, so I guess it worked out, but in between, while he was waiting for her to grow up, things weren't so good. Adult men in romantic relationships aren't really wired to delay sex for five years. That much repression led him to make a couple of bad decisions that could have been far worse.

They (parents and the couple) keep denying that they are dating. I suspect when she turns 16 next year they will get married.

[Scarlett]

At those ages it’s not appropriate. Is this a courtship situation?

I am not familiar with courtship. No one in my world has ever done that. But isn't a 15 year old girl too young for courtship even?

Edited October 16, 2017 by A Red Color

[Guest]

This is wrong. A man that age ought to be looking for age-mates, not minors. And I say this despite being married to a man 8 years my senior. However, I was no longer a minor when we met - I was 19. (It's moot now, but I wouldn't really recommend an age difference of more than maybe 5 years at any stage of life. Yeah, this is my mate and it is what it is, but I cannot say our age difference has never impacted things about our lives - it has, many times over.)

 

Even if everything is totally kosher and he respectfully "waits" for her to achieve the age of majority and then marries her, I still think it's not a good set-up for a life together because she will have had no real life experience but he will have. I am also not a believer in the notion that there's only one perfect mate out there; they could "fall in love" with different people at a different time with better results.

 

ETA: clarity of point

Edited October 16, 2017 by Quill

[MotherGoose]

Oklahoma. Lol.

:). So no uber religious controlling arranged marriage type thing?

[Word Nerd]

I am not familiar with courtship. No one in my world has ever done that. But isn't a 15 year old girl too young for courtship even?

I’m not that familiar with it either, but if that’s part of their family culture it might explain why the parents are OK with the age difference—as well as why they aren’t calling it dating.

[Scarlett]

:). So no uber religious controlling arranged marriage type thing?

I would say very religious and the plan to remain chaste. But this just seems so over the top for all the people involved. Not normal in our circles at all.

 

It is mostly the fact she is 15!!!! I have seen signs of the parents encouraging it. I am just gobsmacked.

[Guest]

And for the record I am not particularly against young marriages or a 10 year age difference. Just had a couple marry who were 19 and 29. But they didn't start dating until she was living on her own and 19 years old. Huge difference in 15 and 19.

This is similar to me and DH. When we met, I was 19, he was 27. We dated for four years, so it wasn't any hurry to get married. Also, I was living independently of my parents from age 20.

 

However - I still don't recommend that big of an age difference for anybody at any age except maybe over 70. If you're re-marrying at 70 and your mate is 82, it may not matter much. Younger ages, it does seem to matter at least some of the time.

[Scarlett]

I’m not that familiar with it either, but if that’s part of their family culture it might explain why the parents are OK with the age difference—as well as why they aren’t calling it dating.

No courtship is not part of the families culture. At all.

[Guest]

Married at 16 or even 19?? Hell no. Live your life! Enjoy your youth! WTH do a 15yo and 25 yo even talk about? Does she tell him all about her day in 10th freaking grade?!?

[Scarlett]

Married at 16 or even 19?? Hell no. Live your life! Enjoy your youth! WTH do a 15yo and 25 yo even talk about? Does she tell him all about her day in 10th freaking grade?!?

Oh she is finished with high school.

 

See the thing is....she comes across as a very mature girl. She is smart, advanced....but she is VERY immature. He is too for that matter. Which explains why he likes a 15 year old.

[gardenmom5]

does he KNOW she's only 15?   girls looking for male attention, will lie.  (not all, but certainly some.)

no.  just, no.   I'd consider reminding the guy if he wants to steer clear of the law - he'll stay far away from "jail bait".

 

Normal 25 year old guys, aren't interested in a mid-teen.  unless they have their own insecurity issues, or just looking for an easy roll.

[Scarlett]

The usual "rule" is half the older age, plus seven. Let's see... 24/2 = 12. 12 + 7 = 19. THE AGE DIFFERENCE IS WAY TOO LARGE! OMG. (Also, getting physical is probably illegal in the US, though age of consent laws vary.)

I love this.

[marbel]

It doesn't sound like something I would want my daughter involved in.  But, I do know a lovely couple who married when she was 19 and he was 29.  I didn't know them when they met, but my  understanding is that they went to church together, so I assume they knew each other when she was 15 and he was 25. I don't  know when they started dating (or courting, if that was the case.) In any case, they are a very happy couple and are wonderful together and with their new baby.  

 

I am 8 years older than my husband, but we met when I was 37 and he was 29.  He actually seems older than me in a lot of ways, so it all works out.  :-)

[Guest]

I would say very religious and the plan to remain chaste. But this just seems so over the top for all the people involved. Not normal in our circles at all.

 

It is mostly the fact she is 15!!!! I have seen signs of the parents encouraging it. I am just gobsmacked.

I would say very religious and wih a plan to remain chaste is the most likely category of family who will treat this as though they don't mind and may actually seem to desire it. Most people I've met with those goals are wishing for an early marriage and if the guy is older, he probably has two nickles to rub together and maybe has a home. Therefore, he seems like a solid candidate. Also, if they *do* operate under the courtship model, there is probably little risk of sexual boundaries being crossed (think Duggars with their three-sibling conference calls with the bethrothed and constant chaperoning).

[Scarlett]

does he KNOW she's only 15? girls looking for male attention, will lie. (not all, but certainly some.)

no. just, no. I'd consider reminding the guy if he wants to steer clear of the law - he'll stay far away from "jail bait".

 

Normal 25 year old guys, aren't interested in a mid-teen. unless they have their own insecurity issues, or just looking for an easy roll.

He knows. Their families. Are very close and they have been in the same co great ion her entire live. Or you know, since he was 10. She is very physically mature and beautiful.

 

But really no laws are broken unless they have sex.

 

 

Still creepy. His cousins call him a pedofile.

[Guest]

Oh she is finished with high school.

 

See the thing is....she comes across as a very mature girl. She is smart, advanced....but she is VERY immature. He is too for that matter. Which explains why he likes a 15 year old.

How is she finished at 15??

[Scarlett]

I would say very religious and wih a plan to remain chaste is the most likely category of family who will treat this as though they don't mind and may actually seem to desire it. Most people I've met with those goals are wishing for an early marriage and if the guy is older, he probably has two nickles to rub together and maybe has a home. Therefore, he seems like a solid candidate. Also, if they *do* operate under the courtship model, there is probably little risk of sexual boundaries being crossed (think Duggars with their three-sibling conference calls with the bethrothed and constant chaperoning).

No courtship model, no one I know has ver done that.

[Scarlett]

How is she finished at 15??

It isn't that difficult if you do Penn Foster. It is a 3 year program that she finished in 1.

[FaithManor]

I always have a concern about power differential. She is a minor, he is an adult, and an adult by seven years so a lot more life experience. This creates a maturity and power imbalance.

 

While it may have been "the thing" through the ages, we need to admit that history has taught us that teenage girls, older men and vice versa has been often quite brought with abuse, and this has been especially so for the young lady usually. So I can say that I would be quite concerned.

[Guest]

It isn't that difficult if you do Penn Foster. It is a 3 year program that she finished in 1.

But, why?? She can’t go to college, she can’t work. What does she do?? I really dislike these parents!!

[Carrie12345]

I have a 15yo daughter. I'd have to be dead to let that happen.

[Guest]

I have a 15yo daughter. I'd have to be dead to let that happen.

And my husband, parents, in-laws and any friends we currently have!

[Scarlett]

When my sister's dd was 15 a 17 year old boy started calling her. ( before texting) he was a nice boy, but they thought she was too young. They politely told him to go away and if he was still interested in 2 years to come back. Which he did. They date for a year or so and They are married about 12 years now.

 

25 just seems.....ick.

 

One friend put it this way. 'I worry that a 25 year old who likes a 15 year old might always want a 15 year old. '

[Scarlett]

But, why?? She can’t go to college, she can’t work. What does she do?? I really dislike these parents!!

She works some and is heavily involved in volunteer work. A few months back the story was she was gong to take a course in medical,billing or some such. Now I figure she is waiting to turn 16 and get married.

[Guest]

She works some and is heavily involved in volunteer work. A few months back the story was she was gong to take a course in medical,billing or some such. Now I figure she is waiting to turn 16 and get married.

That’s sad.

[Scarlett]

That’s sad.

Well. Maybe. I am not opposed to a girl who wants that life. But she is just too young. And he is too old.

[goldberry]

No no no no no no.

 

And furthermore, no.

 

It would think it normal for a 15yo to be immature enough to be flattered by the attention.  The problem is what kind of 25 yo man would be interested in a 15yo.  Even if interested "from afar" a sensible, decent man would wait until the girl is older.

[goldberry]

She works some and is heavily involved in volunteer work. A few months back the story was she was gong to take a course in medical,billing or some such. Now I figure she is waiting to turn 16 and get married.

 

16 is too young to be making a choice like that.  There is a reason why minors are not allowed to legally enter contracts without parental consent.  

 

Adding, 18 may be too young also but at least the person is legally an adult.  There is no way as a parent I would be facilitating that.

Edited October 16, 2017 by goldberry

[gardenmom5]

This is wrong. A man that age ought to be looking for age-mates, not minors. And I say this despite being married to a man 8 years my senior. However, I was no longer a minor when we met - I was 19. (It's moot now, but I wouldn't really recommend an age difference of more than maybe 5 years at any stage of life. Yeah, this is my mate and it is what it is, but I cannot say our age difference has never impacted things about our lives - it has, many times over.)

 

Even if everything is totally kosher and he respectfully "waits" for her to achieve the age of majority and then marries her, I still think it's not a good set-up for a life together because she will have had no real life experience but he will have. I am also not a believer in the notion that there's only one perfect mate out there; they could "fall in love" with different people at a different time with better results.

 

ETA: clarity of point

I also married young - I was 18 (a month before I turned 19), my husband is more than 10 years older than me.  He had dated extensively, I hadn't very much - but I did NOT have a sheltered background. (not remotely)  we just liked talking, and we talked a lot.  1sil though he was nuts, until she met me.  "oh, ok."   we've been married 35 years.  yes the age difference has had its issues, but we've been good for each other and it was still the right choice.

 

 

HOWEVER - 15 is a no no.  16  is too young to get married without parental consent - and it tends to tick me off when parents allow that. (my daughters have good college educations).  if they need consent - she's too young. even if they wait - she's not going to be talking to boys her age in the mean time, because she's got him.  while the man's parents should be brought up short - the girls parents need a reality check.

 

Oh she is finished with high school.

 

See the thing is....she comes across as a very mature girl. She is smart, advanced....but she is VERY immature. He is too for that matter. Which explains why he likes a 15 year old.

 

that immature - he's not ready to be in a serious relationship.  he needs to get his own head on straight and in the mean time - stay away from her.