Scarlett Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 We took him for his annual check up today. His weight is up 32 pounds from last year. The doctor had a serious talk with him....how 80% of deaths have one thing in common...a bmi of 35. Dss's is 37. His blood pressure is also high.....he is now on bp meds. I am at a loss. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiara.I Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Oh dear. How is he after the talk? Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Has he had his hemoglobin a1c tested? If he is insulin resistant then his body will be primed to hold onto fat and gain weight no matter what he does. He may need to have something like Metformin before he can start to lose some weight. Being shamed, even by a doctor, won't do it. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 24 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Given the history of this child I seriously doubt a "talking to" by a doctor is going to help. And just bringing it up all the time won't help. In fact, it will almost certainly make it worse. He probably already has enough guilt/stress/sense of failure associated with his weight to last a lifetime, regardless of how supportive the family feels they are being. This child is going to need targeted, structured, outside, long term, consistent, supportive intervention to have a prayer of dealing with this situation and implementing successful permanent lifestyle changes. In all likelihood he has the body type that makes losing weight and staying healthy exceedingly challenging. He is also a teenager living between two households with very different ways of dealing with things. This won't be an easy fix. It hasn't been. It won't be. Maybe he could do this if he had a nutritionist and a personal trainer (non-family related) to help him in a supportive way with scaffolding and getting into a healthier lifestyle that he can follow long term regardless of which home he is living in. These would be neutral sources. No family. Professionals with expertise that he might respect that could help him feel more in control of his own destiny while providing him with the input/structure/scaffolding/training needed to know how to make things work for his specific needs. Those things cost money. They may be out of reach. I would at least look into it, though. It may be more doable than it sounds. And it doesn't have to be a long term cost. My youngest BILs hired a nutritionist and a personal trainer to help them get shifted into a healthier lifestyle (twins) and it made a massive difference but they didn't have to keep them on the payroll forever. They started with weekly check-ins then eventually went to once a month and finally once a quarter. Its been years and they no longer need that support at all but having it to get them started to begin with was what finally got them on a much healthier path. 27 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 I was going to suggest trying weight watchers, but a personal trainer might be a better option. It tends to be quite easy for heavy kids to lift weights, so it's a physical activity they are good at and will come easy, which will tend to make them like it. Plus trainers tend to push protein and veggies and healthy amounts of calories rather than restricting, which makes you feel full and makes dieting easier. IME doctors don't care as much about BMI as they do about bodyfat percentage. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 I think this is the point where physical activity has to be made a top priority and needs to be a mandatory part of his day, however inconvenient it is for the family. If he wants to go to the gym, drive him, even if it sucks time out of your day; this is no longer a lifestyle issue, but an urgent medical situation. A trainer would be good, so the pushing comes from a neutral third party and not from you. (Hiring a coach helped a friend of mine lose over 100lbs and become a competetive cyclist - as a woman in her 50s.) It is also the time to abandon any qualms you have about different diets for your two boys. I think he needs a very structured diet and might benefit from the professional help of a nutritionist - again, to make the advice not come from you, but from a third party. But this is beyond encouraging walks and portion control. 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 No one is shaming him. Not even the doctor. He is having blood work done but he has to be fasting so I will take him back Thursday. We mentioned a nutritionist but the doctor wants to look at his blood work first and he wants to work with dss on his diet---this doctor lost over 100 pounds and kept it off for 7 years so far. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 (edited) I think this is the point where physical activity has to be made a top priority and needs to be a mandatory part of his day, however inconvenient it is for the family. If he wants to go to the gym, drive him, even if it sucks time out of your day; this is no longer a lifestyle issue, but an urgent medical situation. A trainer would be good, so the pushing comes from a neutral third party and not from you. (Hiring a coach helped a friend of mine lose over 100lbs and become a competetive cyclist - as a woman in her 50s.) It is also the time to abandon any qualms you have about different diets for your two boys. I think he needs a very structured diet and might benefit from the professional help of a nutritionist - again, to make the advice not come from you, but from a third party. But this is beyond encouraging walks and portion control. He told me yesterday to just buy him a big back of chicken breasts and plenty of vegetables. :). I think the doctor impressed upon him how serious this is so we will go from there. The Dr. wants him to add some weight training to help. Edited August 29, 2017 by Scarlett 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 I was going to suggest trying weight watchers, but a personal trainer might be a better option. It tends to be quite easy for heavy kids to lift weights, so it's a physical activity they are good at and will come easy, which will tend to make them like it. Plus trainers tend to push protein and veggies and healthy amounts of calories rather than restricting, which makes you feel full and makes dieting easier. IME doctors don't care as much about BMI as they do about bodyfat percentage. WW worked for him but like anything you have to keep at it. I know on WW a person could use all of their points on crap food, but that is not how we are approaching it. I have talked to him about the kinds of foods he needs in abundance and the kind he can have in small amounts and still lose weight. I also buy the foods he needs to do that. I do my best to keep junk food out of the house. The doctor was very nice to him and encouraging. He is a DO and one of his specialties has been obesity. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 The doctor saying he wants to work with dss on his diet and recommending weight training is nice, but he needs more than an occasional doc visit to make this successful. A personal trainer (once a week would be fine) will teach him how to lift and how to push himself without injury. A trainer or a class will help dss to get the most out of a workout and keep him motivated. I can't tell you how many times I see people leave the gym after being there for an hour and they aren't even tired or sweating. They aren't pushing themselves at all. On the other hand, you don't want him to hurt himself. And he needs more than weight training- he needs some flexibility and something like treadmill/bike/climbing. Right now when he is out of shape and obese he really does need some professional guidance for exercise. As for the food, weight watchers worked before, so maybe give it another try. The accountability and the encouragement, and maybe also a place to vent his frustrations might be a valuable component to this weight loss. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lewber Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 As someone who has needed to lose weight for the past 10 years, I agree - get him a personal trainer. It's the only time I've been successful. They know what to do, you work at the right level for you, and the ones I know are truly passionate and motivating. They give you expertise, motivation, accountability. I hate it for your DSS. It's no fun, mentally or physically, worrying about your weight! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 As someone who has needed to lose weight for the past 10 years, I agree - get him a personal trainer. It's the only time I've been successful. They know what to do, you work at the right level for you, and the ones I know are truly passionate and motivating. They give you expertise, motivation, accountability. I hate it for your DSS. It's no fun, mentally or physically, worrying about your weight! I just checked and there are no personal trainers in our small town. I did get some info from the local gym for Circuit training. I will talk to him about it. He needs to get his license so he can get himself there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 I just checked and there are no personal trainers in our small town. I did get some info from the local gym for Circuit training. I will talk to him about it. He needs to get his license so he can get himself there. My friend works with an online coach who monitors her eating and exercise and pushes her. She had phenomenal results even though she does not interact with him in person. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 The doctor saying he wants to work with dss on his diet and recommending weight training is nice, but he needs more than an occasional doc visit to make this successful. A personal trainer (once a week would be fine) will teach him how to lift and how to push himself without injury. A trainer or a class will help dss to get the most out of a workout and keep him motivated. I can't tell you how many times I see people leave the gym after being there for an hour and they aren't even tired or sweating. They aren't pushing themselves at all. On the other hand, you don't want him to hurt himself. And he needs more than weight training- he needs some flexibility and something like treadmill/bike/climbing. Right now when he is out of shape and obese he really does need some professional guidance for exercise. As for the food, weight watchers worked before, so maybe give it another try. The accountability and the encouragement, and maybe also a place to vent his frustrations might be a valuable component to this weight loss. He is still doing the WW. I mean I am still paying for it....hopefully he will get back to doing it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 I think honestly you need to work on building up his self esteem in other areas. I have felt for a while that you have been quite focused on his weight and as a person who has struggled greatly, this would just drive me to the chocolate. What are some really great, positive things about him that you can share with us? With him? 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 I think honestly you need to work on building up his self esteem in other areas. I have felt for a while that you have been quite focused on his weight and as a person who has struggled greatly, this would just drive me to the chocolate. What are some really great, positive things about him that you can share with us? With him? Forums are hard because you see bits and pieces of people's relationships. I talk to him about many things besides his weight. But at the moment it is THE thing that needs to be dealt with because a 16 year old should not be on blood pressure meds. I am very worried about him. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 My friend works with an online coach who monitors her eating and exercise and pushes her. She had phenomenal results even though she does not interact with him in person. Do you have a link you could share? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 We mentioned a nutritionist but the doctor wants to look at his blood work first and he wants to work with dss on his diet---this doctor lost over 100 pounds and kept it off for 7 years so far. Won't your step-son be seeing a dietitian with his blood work results? Would insurance cover dietitian visits? When I was more underweight than my norm due to medical reasons, it was a referral to a dietitian for follow up on meal planning. I agree with Dawn, he does need something else to focus on besides weight. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 Yesterday I was at the hospital in the city with our friends whose son was in a terrible accident. I came home at 2 to take dss to the doctor for his annual. I had texted him and asked him to unload the dishwasher before I got home. He didn't answer which is unusual. When I walked in the door he was unloading the dishwasher. He said he had come home from vo-tech with a terrible headache and laid down and fell asleep. So I said, 'ok, don't worry about the dishes, we need to leave.' But I thought then that his face looked really red. I didn't make the connection until the doc said headaches and red face are signs of hbp. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Do you have a Crossfit gym anywhere nearby? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 Won't your step-son be seeing a dietitian with his blood work results? Would insurance cover dietitian visits? When I was more underweight than my norm due to medical reasons, it was a referral to a dietitian for follow up on meal planning. I agree with Dawn, he does need something else to focus on besides weight. He has plenty to focus on besides his weight. I asked about the dietitian but the doctor said he wouldn't recommend that yet. Not before we try a few things he has in mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 Do you have a Crossfit gym anywhere nearby? No. I just checked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 But I thought then that his face looked really red. I didn't make the connection until the doc said headaches and red face are signs of hbp. Liver is another possible reason for red face. My dad is a hepatitis B carrier and his face gets red easily even with a normal BP that is monitored. I asked about the dietitian but the doctor said he wouldn't recommend that yet. Not before we try a few things he has in mind.Usually doctors don't refer immediately due to insurance coming after them. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 Liver is another possible reason for red face. My dad is a hepatitis B carrier and his face gets red easily even with a normal BP that is monitored. Usually doctors don't refer immediately due to insurance coming after them. I am sure that is the issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingersmom Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 My heart is breaking for your step son. I know you are doing as much as you can for him. Weight watchers does offer online support with a coach.I think it's a weekly phone call, you and your coach. And if you don't click, you can switch to someone else. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 I think honestly you need to work on building up his self esteem in other areas. I have felt for a while that you have been quite focused on his weight and as a person who has struggled greatly, this would just drive me to the chocolate. I generally agree that parents should not focus on weight issues, but the fact of the matter is that his weight is an extreme risk factor to his health. When a kid is 10-15 pounds overweight, you can try to focus on self-esteem and building other interests. When a kid is extremely overweight and put on blood pressure medication, you can't pussyfoot around. I commend the doctor for telling him the truth. He is in danger and it is unfair to do otherwise. Also, losing some weight and being able to play active games and wear more kinds of clothes will also be good for this self-esteem. Personally, I am quite overweight right now. It isn't pleasant and I'm really struggling to lower it. I know how hard it is, and how much you want to avoid thinking about it, but working on self esteem is not what needs to be prioritized now. It's a slow and complicated process, and he needs to start bringing down the weight, stat. And self-esteem is not some magic bullet; my self-esteem is just fine, but I still struggle with my weight because I really, really like food. I'm all about body acceptance and not letting weight be the center of your life, but there is no denying the fact that a lot of excess weight has a negative impact on health. And I'm pretty sure I remember posts stating that he has requested help with his weight, it's not just being foisted upon him. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 I meant to include this link, it summarizes several online weight loss programs specifically for teens: http://www.livestrong.com/article/348287-online-weight-loss-programs-for-teens/ 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 I am so sorry and sad for your son. :grouphug: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 He is still doing the WW. I mean I am still paying for it....hopefully he will get back to doing it. Is he going to meetings? Do you know how the program works so you can support him? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 I generally agree that parents should not focus on weight issues, but the fact of the matter is that his weight is an extreme risk factor to his health. When a kid is 10-15 pounds overweight, you can try to focus on self-esteem and building other interests. When a kid is extremely overweight and put on blood pressure medication, you can't pussyfoot around. I commend the doctor for telling him the truth. He is in danger and it is unfair to do otherwise. Also, losing some weight and being able to play active games and wear more kinds of clothes will also be good for this self-esteem. Personally, I am quite overweight right now. It isn't pleasant and I'm really struggling to lower it. I know how hard it is, and how much you want to avoid thinking about it, but working on self esteem is not what needs to be prioritized now. It's a slow and complicated process, and he needs to start bringing down the weight, stat. And self-esteem is not some magic bullet; my self-esteem is just fine, but I still struggle with my weight because I really, really like food. I'm all about body acceptance and not letting weight be the center of your life, but there is no denying the fact that a lot of excess weight has a negative impact on health. And I'm pretty sure I remember posts stating that he has requested help with his weight, it's not just being foisted upon him. Thank you. He does want to lose the weight. The doctor has kept over 100 pounds off for 7 years and he told dss that losing the weight will change his life in every conceivable way. He will feel better, have more energy, have better self esteem. And that was after he outlined how very serious of a situation this is. He talked about a study he was involved in where 80 something percent of a large group of deaths had one single thing in common. A BMI of 35 or more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 Is he going to meetings? Do you know how the program works so you can support him? Yes I am also on WW. He has no interest in going to any weight watcher meeting . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 Also the doctor said that you cannot out exercise a bad diet. He says dss needs some weight training (getting his heart rate over 120) and some cardio. 15 each per day. That this issue (of being overweight) is 20% exercise and 80% food intake. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 I meant to include this link, it summarizes several online weight loss programs specifically for teens: http://www.livestrong.com/article/348287-online-weight-loss-programs-for-teens/ There are a lot of good programs on the above list. I think any of them would work. He just has to decide to get serious. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Go into the gyms (don't call) and look at the boards and ask the managers. They will know personal trainers and give you the info. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 Here is the link to the study the doctor was talking about. https://www.nih.gov/news-events/news-releases/nih-study-identifies-ideal-body-mass-index 88% risk of early death if the BMI is 35-39. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 Scarlett, does dss work? Being busy, busy, busy might help and build his confidence. He doesn't have his license yet. He could get it any time. But honestly I don't think his confidence is that bad. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 Go into the gyms (don't call) and look at the boards and ask the managers. They will know personal trainers and give you the info. I called and talked to the owner. We are in a very small town. I am surprised the gym is as nice as it is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 Oh dear. How is he after the talk? Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk He is sobered I think. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 He doesn't have his license yet. He could get it any time. But honestly I don't think his confidence is that bad. Speaking from experience- you can have plenty of confidence in a lot of areas but be lacking several in some. For the person I am close to, they come across as very confident in certain areas but anything related to weight/body, it in extremely low. It sounds like your DSS may fall into that area. They want to lose weight/getting in shape but are paralyzed and self sabotaging. Also, sometimes those close to the situation can't see it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 I called and talked to the owner. We are in a very small town. I am surprised the gym is as nice as it is. Look in Craigslist or your local Facebook page. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 Look in Craigslist or your local Facebook page. Good idea. I just checked both places....nothing anywhere near by. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 Speaking from experience- you can have plenty of confidence in a lot of areas but be lacking several in some. For the person I am close to, they come across as very confident in certain areas but anything related to weight/body, it in extremely low. It sounds like your DSS may fall into that area. They want to lose weight/getting in shape but are paralyzed and self sabotaging. Also, sometimes those close to the situation can't see it. I am sure he feels insecure about his weight. He makes jokes about being 'the fat boy'. I feel terrible for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Good idea. I just checked both places....nothing anywhere near by. You may have to ask on your local group. Sometimes, they are only taking a few clients at a time and don't advertise until asked. Ask if anyone has a recommendation for one. It should bring out one or two that way. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lewber Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 I agree, it is mostly diet. You can't out -exercise a bad diet. Has he tracked his food intake at all? When I track mine, it is obvious to me what I am doing wrong. Not easy to fix, but easy to know. On the exercise part though - it seems to make a faster difference in body image, and body composition that motivates me to keep it up. Plus, he might identify as "strong" and not "fat". I don't remember all the backstory, but does he sneak food? That's a lot of weight for someone that age. A lot of extra calories if he doesn't have a medical condition making him gain so much weight in a year. I know anyone who has struggled with their weight will understand how hard it is. Teen boys are not immune to body issues. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 I agree that you cannot out- exercise a bad diet. However, two people the same height and the same weight will look totally different if one is a couch potato and one exercises regularly. When you turn 10 pounds of fat into muscle it looks different. And exercise is good for you, just like eating healthy food is good for you. The doc's recommendation for 15 minutes of cardio and 15 minutes of weight training seems too little unless it's something like p90x or some other pretty serious workout. Which will be hard for dss to do at first! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 I agree that you cannot out- exercise a bad diet. However, two people the same height and the same weight will look totally different if one is a couch potato and one exercises regularly. When you turn 10 pounds of fat into muscle it looks different. And exercise is good for you, just like eating healthy food is good for you. The doc's recommendation for 15 minutes of cardio and 15 minutes of weight training seems too little unless it's something like p90x or some other pretty serious workout. Which will be hard for dss to do at first! I agree exercise is very good for you. It will make him feel better mentally and physically even if he doesn't lose a pound that way. I think maybe the doctor didn't want to overwhelm him with too much exercise demands while trying to get the diet under control. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winterbaby Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 If 30 minutes is the most he can do then it is a stepping stone to developing the fitness to do more. I wouldn't overwhelm him by attempting extreme programs at the start. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 If 30 minutes is the most he can do then it is a stepping stone to developing the fitness to do more. I wouldn't overwhelm him by attempting extreme programs at the start. You're right. Unless he loves working out, doing an extreme program is not going to ever go well. But especially right now when he's not in shape. I think that's why several of us were recommending a personal trainer- so he can find his sweet spot for his workouts. Something that challenges him but doesn't break him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 I just doubt a personal trainer is going to be a possibility. Getting him to the gym would be enough of a challenge. Right now the poor kid is having a reaction to the vacinnations he got yesterday. Fever and aches. :/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Also the doctor said that you cannot out exercise a bad diet. He says dss needs some weight training (getting his heart rate over 120) and some cardio. 15 each per day. That this issue (of being overweight) is 20% exercise and 80% food intake. I'm glad that the doctor is involved. There are varying degrees of high blood pressure that still require meds from mildly elevated to severely elevated. Depending on where he comes on the hbp spectrum, he will need to really monitor his blood pressures while exercising 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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