Mass e-mail Thank You

[Ginevra]

I really hope that the mass e-mail I received from SIL with not be the only "Thank You Note" we (and others) will receive for attending my niece's grad party. I really hope this is just a thank you before the physical thank you card that should definitely be coming along shortly. Right?

 

P.S. I hate e-vites, too.

[bettyandbob]

Somehow I wouldn't be surprised if that was the only thank you.

 

When was the party?

[Guest]

It was last weekend.

[Danestress]

I would expect your niece to write a thank you note for a gift. I am not sure I would expect her mother to write a thank you note for attending a party.

[bettyandbob]

It was last weekend.

 

I guess there's hope. I was thinking all the grad parties I've heard about were done by the end of summer.

[bolt.]

Didn't you enjoy the party? Were you attending as a favour to someone? I don't think I quite understand. I've never thanked someone for simply accepting an invitation to celebrate a special event with me or my loved ones.

[Guest]

Didn't you enjoy the party? Were you attending as a favour to someone? I don't think I quite understand. I've never thanked someone for simply accepting an invitation to celebrate a special event with me or my loved ones.

No, no, it was a thank you note that covered everyone - thank you for attending the party and for the generous gifts and cards.

[Guest]

I guess there's hope. I was thinking all the grad parties I've heard about were done by the end of summer.

Normally, yes, but my niece had a project to do over the summer which was part of her degree.

[kewb]

I am pretty sure the mass email will be it. I don't have an issue with an emailed thank you. Save on postage better for the environment and all but at least send personalized ones.

[Guest submarines]

No, there won't be a physical card. They are obsolete and a total waste of resources. :p

[Guest]

I am pretty sure the mass email will be it. I don't have an issue with an emailed thank you. Save on postage better for the environment and all but at least send personalized ones.

Interesting view. I'm a die-hard traditionalist, even though I am a big fan of reducing paper use for environmental purposes. Additionally, my niece should be sending thank yous - though she may be. But a mass e-mail to thank everyone in a minute and a half is *not appropriate,* if this is the stand-alone thank you for all.

[Guest]

I guess Emily Post is snotty and rude, then.

[zimom]

I'm not trying to be rude. Really, I'm not. But life is short. Are your kids healthy? Is this niece healthy? Be happy for her that she graduated, I'm making a huge assumption, in one piece, mentally and physically good and will hopefully make a difference in this world. Let it go.

 

Edited to add: I've never given a hill of beans about thank you notes. Please consider more what you know is in a person's heart.

[Guest]

Ok, calandalsmom. You are over-the-top in your censure of my post. I think you are conflating me with your horrible grandmother. But whatever.

[bolt.]

I'm not terribly familiar with "proper" etiquette, but, really -- do people send individual, written, posted thank you cards to all their guests after a party? Just because they deigned to attend?

 

I just say, "Thanks for coming!" As they head home.

[J-rap]

Well you never know...  here, most high school seniors have an open house, people go and bring gifts or money, and 90% of the students write hand-written thank you notes before they leave for college in the fall.  (So, over several months.)  I think it's really sweet, and we've taught our children to do the same.

 

Now, I know that times are changing, and maybe those thank you's will eventually all become tech-thank-you's, and it probably IS better for our environment and certainly cheaper.  I guess I don't have a big problem with that.  But, I would hope that the receiver herself would send them, with a personal note.  (not a mass email.)

 

Only one student whose party we attended (and gave money to) had his mother do it all for him.  She printed a note with a thank you and explaining his upcoming plans, copied one for everyone, printed mailing labels for everyone involved, and sent them off.  She even signed the notes herself with his name (but it was her handwriting).   I know the mom was just trying to help him out and make sure everyone was thanked, but it didn't teach him anything about taking responsibility and being gracious himself.

[Guest]

I'm not trying to be rude. Really, I'm not. But life is short. Are your kids healthy? Is this niece healthy? Be happy for her that she graduated, I'm making a huge assumption, in one piece, mentally and physically good and will hopefully make a difference in this world. Let it go.

 

Edited to add: I've never given a hill of beans about thank you notes. Please consider more what you know is in a person's heart.

Ok. I'll let it go.

[Guest]

I'm not terribly familiar with "proper" etiquette, but, really -- do people send individual, written, posted thank you cards to all their guests after a party? Just because they deigned to attend?

 

I just say, "Thanks for coming!" As they head home.

No, this e-mail covered attendance, gifts and cards, as in, whatever one happened to have done.

 

And yes, people do send written, posted thank yous for a graduation party to each person who gave a gift, card, or attended. That is considered proper.

[Wildcat]

Interesting view. I'm a die-hard traditionalist, even though I am a big fan of reducing paper use for environmental purposes. Additionally, my niece should be sending thank yous - though she may be. But a mass e-mail to thank everyone in a minute and a half is *not appropriate,* if this is the stand-alone thank you for all.

 

I hear you and I am the same way. My kids hand write thank you cards for everything. It only takes a minute and Thank You cards are usually small, so there is little expense/waste.

 

Several grad gifts we gave received a "wow, thanks" at the party and that was it. Some cards we received later as the kids left for school, but several never sent anything---nary an e-mail, text, or IM. Even my kids commented on it.

[bolt.]

Weird. Here, a graduation party is nothing more significant than a teenage birthday party (with multiple graduates, celebrating everybody). If Aunts came, they'd hug and have cake. Perhaps a card or small gift, but nothing that would seem like a big deal. A verbal thank you at the time is seen as completely adequate.

[poppy]

I think an email thank you is fine , but it should have come from the first on honor , not the host.

[marbel]

No, this e-mail covered attendance, gifts and cards, as in, whatever one happened to have done.

 

And yes, people do send written, posted thank yous for a graduation party to each person who gave a gift, card, or attended. That is considered proper.

 

I am confused and not arguing.  I just want to get this right in my head in case I ever have a graduation party for one of my kids.  Is it customary to send a thank you to everyone who gave a card and attended?  Sending a thank you for a gift I get, of course. But thanking people for cards and attendance?   That is new to me but now I'm thinking I've never been to a graduation party. 

 

Again I'm not arguing.  I stopped sending gifts to out-of-town nieces and nephews when they stopped thanking me for them - I didn't like having to call to see if they received it, or wait for the check to clear the bank.   I just want to be sure I understand the expectations about grad parties.

 

 

[Guest]

I am confused and not arguing. I just want to get this right in my head in case I ever have a graduation party for one of my kids. Is it customary to send a thank you to everyone who gave a card and attended? Sending a thank you for a gift I get, of course. But thanking people for cards and attendance? That is new to me but now I'm thinking I've never been to a graduation party.

 

Again I'm not arguing. I stopped sending gifts to out-of-town nieces and nephews when they stopped thanking me for them - I didn't like having to call to see if they received it, or wait for the check to clear the bank. I just want to be sure I understand the expectations about grad parties.

Well, most probably, everyone who attended gave a gift or card with cash/gift card. So, in one sense, it would be improbable for this particular party and class of people that anyone would attend empty-handed. Additionally, people who were unable to attend most likely still sent a gift. So, absolutely everyone who sent or brought a gift should get a personal Thanks from the honored person, which would specifically mention the gift. "thank you so much for your gift; it will be a great help for me to {buy a computer/establish my new apartment/whatever}."

 

Ideally, it would still be proper if no gift was received from one who attended, to send a note saying, "thank you so much for celebrating with me on {date}. I am excited for my future and am so thankful to have the support of friends as I move into the next phase of my life." Something like that would not be remiss.

 

Really, one never goes wrong by thanking in a personal and meaningful way.

[Valley Girl]

I don't see anything wrong with a general "thank you" from the parent as in "it was great to see everyone, and we're so glad you could help us celebrate." But, in our house, the gift recipient would be writing individual thank you notes. We've taught our kids from an early age that when someone puts the time, thought, and resources into giving you a gift, it is proper to let that person know you have received it and appreciate it. That might be a telephone call to a grandparent or a note to a more distant relative. In the case of milestone event, they write short, sincere thank you notes. The child who has difficulty with handwriting types them on the computer and signs his name (or he tells me what he wants to say and I type it for him). It's courtesy and good manners to our way of thinking. And it really doesn't require a tremendous amount of effort.

 

(Edited to correct typo. I really should proofread more closely when posting.)

[Valley Girl]

Emily Post has never advocated whining about your family's failure to meet your expectations.  I assure you.  Her advice is only for how YOU should behave.  Never did she give you license to have a public fit about how others do.

 

I don't think Quill is "having a fit." People complain about other people's bad manners and such all the time on this forum.

[Guest]

I don't think I was over the top. I think I was frank. People who expect written thank yous annoy me because my kid was subjected to that sort of expectation for some years. Meanwhile the kid couldn't write. So forcing him to write ten thankyous was painful for us both. It certainly didnt take us only a minute. And many of our friends and family were not really aware of things like dysgraphia so couldnt grasp that this was an issue. Nothing less than hand done is acceptable to some, too. With the little fill in the blank typed ones which can be personalized also receiving a lot of the same dumb complaining I see in this post.

 

Obviously not everyone has a disability. Some people just dont think thank you notes are important. And I am one of them too.

 

My grandmother once did not get a written thankyou from my male cousin. So the next christmas he didnt get a gift. :huh: Horrible woman.

 

I don't think its fair to pass your dislike for the SIL on to her daughter.

I appreciate the issues with a young child. In this case, it is not a child. It is a young woman graduating from college.

 

I disagree that thank you notes are not important. I don't dislike me niece. I think she's terrific. But I do hope and pray that her parents aren't "training" her to believe this one e-mail suffices as thanks. It doesn't. I should have phrased my OP as a PSA - or saved it for my next therapy session where I work through my anger issues.

[Guest]

Ok. I'll let it go.

Edited: i am insane. Please ignore all mean things I say.

[hornblower]

I have never understood thank you cards for gifts received in person. Once I've received the gift and thanked you in person, I consider we're done.

 

If it's something mailed, or received at a wedding where you don't receive it directly from a person's hands and can't thank them right away, then a phone call, or mail, or an email is appropriate.

[UmmiSays]

I have a genuine question:

 

When both my parents passed away, I received numerous cards, some with checks. In time I spoke to everyone and thanked them. Although I was very grateful, it was and still is quite painful to acknowledge my parents passing. Was I supposed to also write them thank you notes as well?

 

 

[mommymilkies]

I have never understood thank you cards for gifts received in person. Once I've received the gift and thanked you in person, I consider we're done.

 

If it's something mailed, or received at a wedding where you don't receive it directly from a person's hands and can't thank them right away, then a phone call, or mail, or an email is appropriate.

I agree.  I am not from a culture of thank you cards, I guess.  You thank in person or phone/email if long distance.  Nothing more is expected.  I did buy a Thank You card for a neighbor who gave us a bunch of garden produce because they seemed the type where that would be appropriate.  But otherwise we are not Thank You card people.  So that's totally foreign to me.  I doubt my kids will be ruined little heathens for not doing handwritten thank you cards. 

[poppy]

I am confused and not arguing.  I just want to get this right in my head in case I ever have a graduation party for one of my kids.  Is it customary to send a thank you to everyone who gave a card and attended?  Sending a thank you for a gift I get, of course. But thanking people for cards and attendance?   That is new to me but now I'm thinking I've never been to a graduation party. 

 

Again I'm not arguing.  I stopped sending gifts to out-of-town nieces and nephews when they stopped thanking me for them - I didn't like having to call to see if they received it, or wait for the check to clear the bank.   I just want to be sure I understand the expectations about grad parties.

 

Almost all gifts at graduation parties come in the form of cash / checks tucked into cards.  A card means a monetary gift, customarily.

[Susan Wise Bauer]

Calandalsmom,

 

Time to let it go.

 

SWB

[bzymom]

Generally staying away from messy topics, but I think this is really one of those things people feel strongly about either way.

 

I was raised to write a thank-you note for every gift received, whether in person or not.  I expect my kids to do the same.  It is important to me.

 

I do not blacklist people from my life if they do not write a thank you note. 

 

But I am impressed when they do.  

 

And I certainly understand that life can get in the way, not every child/person is able to reasonably do so.  No problem.

 

I hope the email was just the parents way of acknowledging their appreciation for all the people who took time to join in the celebration for their child, separate from the graduate's own thank you.

 

[Doodlebug]

I think in your case, I'd be annoyed at the potential irksomeness of receiving a proxy thank you on behalf of a more than capable adult -- a fact that was at the heart of the celebration!

 

A thank you note should not be a nod at tradition, but a true sentiment of genuine thankfulness.  SIL can certainly express her gratitude for her family's generosity, and the better part of me would choose to file this email away as that.  But her thank you would bring to mind the absence of a personal thank you from the recipient -- something I wouldn't have thought of otherwise.

 

Nods at tradition annoy the beans out of me...  Genuine acts of tradition done in non traditional ways are welcome!   

 

 

[Guest]

I have never understood thank you cards for gifts received in person. Once I've received the gift and thanked you in person, I consider we're done.

 

If it's something mailed, or received at a wedding where you don't receive it directly from a person's hands and can't thank them right away, then a phone call, or mail, or an email is appropriate.

In this case, the gifts and cards were placed on a table; presumably to be opened after the party. I was not the last to leave, but no gifts were opened or admired in the three or so hours I was there. So, in that sense, more akin to wedding gifts.

 

That said, a thank you note is always in good taste no matter if one has given a thank you verbally at the time of receipt.

[rjand6more]

Birthday and Christmas gifts only require an *in person* thank you. If we received a gift from out of town, we would call with a thank you.  Graduations and weddings are different, but I don't really know why.lol  We got personalized  thank you notes for my son's grad party that he wrote a small note on to each GUEST.  A simple: "It was great seeing you!" or "Thanks for stopping by!"

 

Personally, I do not care one bit whether I receive a note.  Often for a baby shower, I will insist the recipient NOT send me a thank you card.  It is part of my gift to them. :)  Or I will give a bunch of stamps to help her cover the cost of sending all those thank you notes.  

 

I know for my son's grad party we had over $150 cost in invites, thank you notes and stamps!

[Guest]

I have a genuine question:

 

When both my parents passed away, I received numerous cards, some with checks. In time I spoke to everyone and thanked them. Although I was very grateful, it was and still is quite painful to acknowledge my parents passing. Was I supposed to also write them thank you notes as well?

I understand your question exceedingly well. When my baby died, I was in a similar position. I did eventually send thank you notes to everyone who went out of his or her way to assist us. I think it does not reflect poorly on the grieving if they don't, but if you can manage, sending one is always preferable.

[Tokyomarie]

Since it had only been a week, I would be likely to take the email thank you at face value. Though a mass email, I would take it as the mother's way of expressing her own thanks. I do hope the niece writes her own thank you notes, whether handwritten or by email. I think a college graduate moving into the professional world should understand that doing a personal note is a thoughtful expression of gratitude.

 

On the other hand, I'm not willing to stew if a note doesn't arrive. I also hope those who attended my son's party this summer don't stew about the fact that his thank you notes were jointly written by him and me and addressed by me. He is severely dysgraphic and it was all he could imagine was to simply write, "Dear______, Thank you very much. (signed)________"

[hornblower]

In this case, the gifts and cards were placed on a table; presumably to be opened after the party. I was not the last to leave, but no gifts were opened or admired in the three or so hours I was there. So, in that sense, more akin to wedding gifts.

 

That said, a thank you note is always in good taste no matter if one has given a thank you verbally at the time of receipt.

 

I find the not opening presents very weird but I know some people prefer to open in private, and there is some sense in it since it avoids the comparing of presents & potentially making a giver feel awkward about their gift being too generous or too small. 

 

You know, I really don't like these blanket statements "is always in good taste" especially when some people on this thread have actually said that they don't do this.

 

It's one thing to say "I was raised to believe.... in my culture it's expected.... in my social circles people do ...... "  but statements such as 'this is in good taste/this is bad manners/this is rude' are unnecessarily judgmental & inflammatory. 

 

I give a gift with no expectation of anything at all :)

 

 

[Miss Marple]

The worst case I've experienced:  Went to the wedding of an acquaintance's daughter (lady from church).  Took a gift she had requested on her registry.  It was a grand wedding with all the bells and whistles.  I've given up on expecting thank-yous anymore, so imagine my surprise when...1 YEAR later...I received a photocopied "letter" from the mother of the bride.  She indicated that her daughter had lost the gift list and was so busy (she was a college student and she and her husband were living with her parents after the wedding) that she simply could not get out thank-you's.  The mother went on to indicate that she was unsure of who had attended, brought gifts, etc. so she was sending this letter out to all on the guest list.  And she was "so happy" that we had chosen to participate in the wedding and "knew" that we were supporting the kids in prayer.  I truly felt sympathy for that mom.  She was trying to right a situation that made her daughter look bad.  The marriage lasted just a little over a year.

[JustEm]

Holding a grudge over a thank you card is tacky.  Expecting a thank you card is tacky.  If you can't attend an event and give a gift without expectations then just don't attend.  Whether thank you cards are a tradition or not is irrelevant.  Gifts are supposed to be given with no strings attached to expect anything differently is in poor taste.

[Laurie4b]

 I do want to know that the person received the gift but if I have to ask them to find out, I don't mind. Count me as one who doesn't care if I get a thank you note. In fact, receiving a standard thank you note makes me feel like the relationship is distant. Like a PP, I often include a note to please NOT send a thank you note for shower gifts, etc. Color me crazy, but that's the way I feel.

 

[Evergreen State Sue]

I don't see anything wrong with a general "thank you" from the parent as in "it was great to see everyone, and we're so glad you could help us celebrate." But, in our house, the gift recipient would be writing individual thank you notes. We've taught our kids from an early age that when someone puts the time, thought, and resources into giving you a gift, it is proper to let that person know you have received it and appreciate it. That might be a telephone call to a grandparent or a note to a more distant relative. In the case of milestone event, they write short, sincere thank you notes. The child who has difficulty with handwriting types them on the computer and signs his name (or he tells me what he wants to say and I type it for him). It's courtesy and good manners to our way of thinking. And it really doesn't require a tremendous amount of effort.

 

(Edited to correct typo. I really should proofread more closely when posting.)

 

I totally agree with what Reluctant Homeschooler said.  My High School graduate chose to type individual letters and included a head shot in his graduation cap to make it more personal.  I'm sure he copied and pasted text so most every one got a similar letter, but he tried to put something personal about the gift or the person.  He also physically signed his name, but I wrote out the envelopes for him, as he has problems with writing.  He also acknowledged every person who contributed to his mission trip and followed up with a typed report when he returned. 

 

I mentioned to a clerk when I was buying postage stamps that my child was graduating and I was sending out announcements.  Without skipping a beat, the clerk said, "Oh yeah, you want to send those out so you can get all that money."  That was not my intent at all.  We wanted to share this exciting milestone in our homeschooling journey.  Because of that, I started thinking, what would the person receiving the announcement think.  Were they truly excited too and want to honor the grad with a card or gift, or where they feeling obligated to send money?   Nothing was expected, so if someone puts in the time to acknowledge the grad and perhaps a generous gift (even $5 can be a lot to someone), it should be acknowledged.  

 

My friend gave a generous monetary gift to my son for both his graduation and his mission trip, and she was thanked appropriately.  When I gave a check to her granddaughter for her mission trip, and mailed cash in a graduation card when I couldn't attend her graduation party, I did not receive acknowledgement for either.  My sister, who knows her a little better than I do, did receive a thank you note.  Now the girl is off to college, so I don't expect to hear.  I wonder if she lost track of where the cash in the cards came from.  Or, I wonder if graduates just expect they will receive money and there is no obligation to give a thank you.  Frankly, I think it is the parents responsibility to teach their children not to expect anything and to show true appreciation whenever someone goes out of their way to acknowledge a birthday or personal achievement. 

 

(To the poster wondering if she should have acknowledged cards or gifts given when her parents passed away - The answer is probably yes, but with grief, grace is given.  I was in that same situation and failed to acknowledge every card.  If you have someone to help you with that, I suppose that would be ideal, but if not, trust the people understand the difficult situation you were in.  They don't want you to be further burdened when you have so many other things you have to deal with at that time.  I'm sorry for your loss.)

 

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

 I do want to know that the person received the gift but if I have to ask them to find out, I don't mind. Count me as one who doesn't care if I get a thank you note. In fact, receiving a standard thank you note makes me feel like the relationship is distant. Like a PP, I often include a note to please NOT send a thank you note for shower gifts, etc. Color me crazy, but that's the way I feel.

 

I feel the same way. I think thank you notes are formal and stiff, and I feel like getting one in the mail made the person I care about feel like they had to check a box because I gave them a gift, especially when I gave it to them in person and they thanked me then or I know the gift was received because I put it on the gift table myself. I know why some people hang onto the old Miss Manners stuff, but personally, I feel like most of it is overly formal, impractical, and outdated. I'd so much rather my friends and family save the stamp and paper. 

[Just Kate]

I don't think thank you cards are absolutely necessary, but they are a nice touch, especially when the gift was mailed to the recipient.

 

My brother is remarried and has step sons. I always send money for birthdays, but never receive any acknowledgment, which irritates me. I would honestly be happy with a text. I just think it's kind to say thank you in *some* way.

 

My extended family doesn't do thank you notes for Christmas gifts, but we open them in person and say thank you at that time. I'm fine with this.

[Guest]

You know, I really don't like these blanket statements "is always in good taste" especially when some people on this thread have actually said that they don't do this.

 

It's one thing to say "I was raised to believe.... in my culture it's expected.... in my social circles people do ...... " but statements such as 'this is in good taste/this is bad manners/this is rude' are unnecessarily judgmental & inflammatory.

I understand what you're saying here, but I see nothing arbitrary about saying it is "always in good taste to send a personal thank you." Would the opposite ever be true? Would it ever be correct to say, "sometimes, it is in poor taste to send a personal thank you"? I'm wracking my brains to come up with such an instance, but I'm coming up empty.

[Guest]

I mentioned to a clerk when I was buying postage stamps that my child was graduating and I was sending out announcements. Without skipping a beat, the clerk said, "Oh yeah, you want to send those out so you can get all that money." That was not my intent at all. We wanted to share this exciting milestone in our homeschooling journey. Because of that, I started thinking, what would the person receiving the announcement think. Were they truly excited too and want to honor the grad with a card or gift, or where they feeling obligated to send money? Nothing was expected, so if someone puts in the time to acknowledge the grad and perhaps a generous gift (even $5 can be a lot to someone), it should be acknowledged.

I have heard people give this as a *reason* to send out announcements. That boggles my mind! I am not sending out announcements when my dd graduates. We will have a party, but those announcement things don't turn me on. Anyone who would have gotten an announcement will be getting an invitation to my kid's party, in our case, so the invitation will serve as an announcement.

[Guest]

Here is what my IRL friend, Kelly Frager, who is an authority on etiquette, states on her website:

 

Graduates – you MUST send a personal and hand-written thank you note, preferably within a week, thanking the gift-giver. Also send a thank you to anyone who did something nice for your graduation (i.e., made a dessert or allowed you to use their canopy for your party).

Check her out at http://etiquetteforeveryday.com.

[bzymom]

I am okay knowing others disagree, think it is overly formal, etc. My belief that it is a nicety in a time when so many have gone by the wayside will not change, nor do I expect to change anyone else's feelings about it. Viewing it as a string attached to a gift is harsh. If I hand my daughter a cookie and expect her to say thank you, it is not a string. It is a courtesy I believe is important.

 

And no, she doesn't have to write a note for the cookie. ; )

[JustEm]

I understand what you're saying here, but I see nothing arbitrary about saying it is "always in good taste to send a personal thank you." Would the opposite ever be true? Would it ever be correct to say, "sometimes, it is in poor taste to send a personal thank you"? I'm wracking my brains to come up with such an instance, but I'm coming up empty.

Yes,  if you are genuinely not thankful for the gift you received it is in poor taste.  If you are only sending the thank you card because you know this person expects it and will hold a grudge it is in poor taste, even if you are thankful.  Feeling obligated to send one because of others' silly notion that it is distasteful not to is in poor taste.

 

I find thank you cards to be a nice gesture but not a necessary one, especially if the gift was given in person even if it means you just put an envelope on a table at an event you attended. But people feel pressured into sending them because of others expectations and how they will feel if they don't receive one.  That pressure does not produce genuine thank you cards, it only produces another thing to check off the list so you don't upset someone else.