AuntPol Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 My SIL told me that dh's & my children (dh is her brother) are not REAL grandchildren to her parents because I am their mom. SIL's children are REAL grandchildren b/c she is her parent's daughter. People will make up reasons to treat other people like "less than." This is my MIL's attitude also. She has a definite pecking order Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OH_Homeschooler Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 I know exactly how you feel, and it sucks. At a family gathering a couple of years ago, SIL (married to one of two brothers, I'm married to the other brother) got a compliment on some jewelry she was wearing..."Oh, I got it from MIL!" and I hadn't gotten a thing from her in years. I'm learning to just not care anymore. Slowly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 (edited) I'm so sorry. I pray that I will never be a crazy in-law. My MIL had/has a reputation for being rough with her DILs so when dh and I were engaged he told her that if she EVER said ANYTHING that upset me in any way, she would never see us again. For some reason she remembers this and occassionally stops herself when talking to me and says "well, I don't want to say anything to UPSET you..." I usually just smile and say "OK" and walk away. Wow. You are ... one ... lucky ... woman. Really. And he gave you such a wonderful basis for walking away. Great technique. Ria, since these are your dh's parents, is it possible for him to handle them? Both my mother and his mother (fathers were fairly passive) acted like this towards me. I handled mine and he handled his - unless it was something that they did which had to be dealt with immediately and dh wasn't right there (usually involved mistreating certain of our dc) - a situation I avoided like the plague, if I could. Also, I really like the "better or bitter" principle. Sensing that both sets of parents would probably never really change, I realized years ago that it was really more about me not doing anything that I would regret, looking back, in my old age. I, personally, have enough of that kind of garbage without piling more on top of the already mountainous heap. :tongue_smilie: HTH. Edited April 20, 2009 by ksva Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 (edited) Firstly, Happy (belated) birthday Ria. Second, my MIL ranks right up there with just about everything said on this thread. Lastly, it occurs to me that all of our DHs have sought out women who were quite a bit different than their own mothers. I think this is telling, and hopeful for the next generation. My own mother is in her 70s, so this may not apply to everyone here, but she was raised amidst the "women can have it all" crap of the 60s and 70s; you know, a full time career, a husband, AND (somehow) a pack of beautiful children. My MIL is younger, but essentially had the same mindset. Society is, of course, now finding out that, while women may indeed "have it all", having it all at once has not done a couple of generations anything but harm. Perhaps what many of us see with our MILs is anger that, "after all they went through" for equal or close to equal status, we have chosen to either drop out of the rat race or never enter into it so that we may raise our children in the best way we see possible. My own mother is very proud of what I have done, but she is also proud of my sisters, who all work full time. My MIL, OTOH, raves about how fabulous DS is, but seems oblivious to how he became that way. asta Yes, I think there is a lot of truth in this. Dh's mother was a career woman. She once called me from her job (to harrass me, basically, when she knew dh was at work), and once made a comment about having to "get back to the real world" as she was saying goodbye.:glare: My own mother, however, was a SAHM; but I was always surprised how easily offended she was by my own choices which differed from hers - hsing, not spending every bit of vacation with relatives, etc. I just viewed them as choices I'd made based on better options being available. Not a commentary on her parenting.:confused: My mother is 77 and dh's mother is 73. It could be a generational thing, I don't know. Both cut off contact with our whole family when they realized we wouldn't let them run roughshod over us. Kind of like spoiled brats, IMO. I tend to just chalk it up to fact that both of them are as lost as they can be. Edited April 20, 2009 by ksva Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mari Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 Ria, This is actually a good thing although I know you see it as a "slap." Think of it as never having to feel obligated to send them nothing more than a card for their birthdays either. From now on, let dh be in charge of birthday gifts and correspondence for his family. Just continue being your same sweet self and just "kill 'em with kindness." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TXMomof4 Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 They've never liked me. When we got engaged MIL said to dh, "How can you do this to me?" Not a good beginning, eh? Ria How about this one - DH and I were engaged and his mother sent his ex-girlfriend a letter suggesting she keep writing to dh because she "was sure this was just a phase". This was a gf from high school - dh was 22 at the time. It took a while to get past that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacie Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 (edited) I get it every year as well, but my MIL also decided to take it out on my kids too. This past December she called three days before Christmas. My oldest ds answered and she told him since she's going to be out of town for Christmas, she has something to drop by. He told her we're home and to come on over. I was shocked since she hasn't even called for three years, let alone given gifts. She didn't disappoint me...she dropped off two gifts each (AT MY HOUSE!!) for my niece and nephew who were spending Christmas with us. Nothing for my kids. Not even a card. As she was running out of the door, she asked my kids for a Christmas hug. They each slightly shifted backwards and looked at me with pitiful eyes. I told her "They're not comfortable hugging strangers but I'd love for you to take the time to get to know them." She glared, huffed, and stomped out. Such is our life as the "Others." I actually enjoy the club. There's much less drama! I'm sorry you're hurt by it and I hope you have a wonderful birthday in spite of it. Edited April 20, 2009 by Stacie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 I told her "They're not comfortable hugging strangers but I'd love for you to take the time to get to know them." Oooo... touche! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nova mama Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 How about sending them a very small handwritten thank you note. Something like: I just wanted to say thank you for the very thoughtful birthday card. You helped to make my birthday very special for remembering me. :) Oooooh! I REALLY like that! PLEASE do this. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 I know this feeling. My MIL...well, she's something else. On my wedding day, other than taking over everything and basically RUINING it, she also trilled into my ear, "I'm so glad he married you...I won't have to ever worry about a nursing home, I know you'll take care of me!!" I immediately started thinking annulement. MIL was in her late 70s at the time. She made a huge deal out of dh being willing to marry me when I already had Diva, like he was a hero rescuing me. Then, a year or so later when we told her Tazzie was on his way, she called to thank me for making dh a 'real' dad, and went on about how she was going to finally be a 'real' grandma. I hung up on her. Dh called her back, and flipped. See, she adopted dh. And if she couldn't acccept that Diva was his dd just as much as the coming baby was, then what was he to her? She played the favourtism game for a bit, or tried to, until she was told either they're all your grandkids, or none of them are. Period. I welcome her being snotty with me. At least she's not aiming at a kid :glare: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jensway Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 Sorta in the same boat here. On birthdays, my in-laws send DH a $100 check, each kid a $50 check, and me, I get $25. Haven't quite figured that one out.... If you dwell on it, it will make you mad and sad. Try not to dwell on it. I know, easier said than done... :grouphug: This is exactly how it works here with my MIL & FIL. Looks like we are all in the same boat and I think the company is wonderful! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PineFarmMom Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 This thread has been so helpful to me. I don't have any icky inlaws or anything. It's just seeing the sweet responses. I actually typed up a snarky response for Ria in my anger but didn't send it. I read through all the responses and realize that what I WANTED Ria to do is not what I would actually DO in the situation. I'd pray about it and let God guide me as I struggled through the hurt and the feelings that would go with it. I'd die to self and not lash out...not because I wouldn't want to but because I know it takes more thought and prayer to actually HANDLE the situation than to tell someone over the internet how they should handle it. :lol: I don't say that like I handle things saintly because I don't, but it hits me often that it is so different living out the situation than reading about it in other people's lives. I think the thank you note is a good idea. I think there comes a point when you have offered the other cheek often enough that your integrity shines through and the fact that you have more depth than they will ever have will be obvious to anyone with eyes. I think that is one of the ways Christ wants us to carry our cross daily. I just have to linger on this stuff for the people I struggle with. I have them...just not inlaws. ;) Teresa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 Send them a thank you letter. Yeah, tell them you loved the card. And that it came in handy when you lined the cat's litter box with it. Sorry :grouphug: :lol::lol::lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 I told her "They're not comfortable hugging strangers but I'd love for you to take the time to get to know them." Wow--I am so impressed. Good for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 That stinks. I must say, my inlaws ROCK in this area. They give $ for Christmas, and every family member gets a separate check - - each kid, dh and me. They say they give they write out separate checks because they want us each to choose what to do with the money, no disagreements or hurt feelings. I'd write the thank you note, but it would be separate from the vacation one, for just that hint of snarkiness. at dh's bd, he should write a thank you note that graciously explains how much he enjoyed spending every penny of his bd money on his lovely wife. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ria Posted April 20, 2009 Author Share Posted April 20, 2009 at dh's bd, he should write a thank you note that graciously explains how much he enjoyed spending every penny of his bd money on his lovely wife. LOL! We might have to do this. :D Ria Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mari Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Ria, I just don't understand why you are overly upset over this. I know this thread has given many an opportunity to vent/lament over their relationships with their inlaws but really, it's just fueling your bitterness toward them. I think you should just be the bigger person and not expect anything from them. Your husband chose to leave his family and cling to you...that is all that matters here. They don't need to give you anything else because they gave you the best gift of all, didn't they? They really don't owe you anything except kindness when you stop and think about it and the same is true in return. Do not complain about this to your husband so that he does not feel bad about his parents who raised him. He is still bound by God's commandment to honor them. Over time their actions will reveal themselves. In the end, if you act honorably toward them, you will be seen as the better person by all who know and love you. Don't allow yourself to be victimized because ultimately you will be the victor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 How about sending them a very small handwritten thank you note. Something like: I just wanted to say thank you for the very thoughtful birthday card. You helped to make my birthday very special for remembering me. :) Or, you could thank them for the card and tell them you are concerned that perhaps someone stole the check from the envelope b/c it was missing. :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 I get it every year as well, but my MIL also decided to take it out on my kids too. This past December she called three days before Christmas. My oldest ds answered and she told him since she's going to be out of town for Christmas, she has something to drop by. He told her we're home and to come on over. I was shocked since she hasn't even called for three years, let alone given gifts. She didn't disappoint me...she dropped off two gifts each (AT MY HOUSE!!) for my niece and nephew who were spending Christmas with us. Nothing for my kids. Not even a card. As she was running out of the door, she asked my kids for a Christmas hug. They each slightly shifted backwards and looked at me with pitiful eyes. I told her "They're not comfortable hugging strangers but I'd love for you to take the time to get to know them." She glared, huffed, and stomped out. Such is our life as the "Others." I actually enjoy the club. There's much less drama! I'm sorry you're hurt by it and I hope you have a wonderful birthday in spite of it. Wow -- she sounds messed up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oak Knoll Mom Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 She didn't disappoint me...she dropped off two gifts each (AT MY HOUSE!!) for my niece and nephew who were spending Christmas with us. Nothing for my kids. Not even a card. As she was running out of the door, she asked my kids for a Christmas hug. They each slightly shifted backwards and looked at me with pitiful eyes. I told her "They're not comfortable hugging strangers but I'd love for you to take the time to get to know them." She glared, huffed, and stomped out. Wow. Just wow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oak Knoll Mom Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Ria, I'm also in a similar situation. Hubby and the boys get birthday presents from my in-laws and I get a card (two weeks late. They usually include it with my son's birthday present). The funny thing is that I used to get a present, but they just stopped one year. My mother-in-law's excuse is that she's so busy planning and hosting her father-in-law's birthday party (we have the same birthday). I can't tell you how many years I've gone to his birthday party on our shared birthday and my birthday is never even acknowledged. This past year she did say, "I'm sorry I didn't even tell you 'Happy Birthday' at Papa's party. Someday when he's gone we'll be able to celebrate yours." I replied, "I wasn't aware that they couldn't be celebrated at the same time." A couple of weeks later she gave me some plates that match my everyday dishes. I *think* it was her way of making up for these past few years, but she didn't call them birthday presents. Really, though, who knows what goes on in people's minds. ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gamommy Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 No real advice, just ((hugs)). I'm SO there with you. Dh and I will have been married for 13 years this year, together for say 15. Every November somewhere around my b-day my MIL will call me to say, " Oh, I know your birthday is sometime this month... one of these years it'll make it onto my calendar." Please, just ignore me altogether then. Why would someone call each year and say that?!? Mind you this call may come on Halloween or after Thanksgiving and my b-day is the 19th. Every other family member and even the other spouses often get cards and gifts, BTW. So sorry you're dealing with this too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne in ABQ Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 In all respect (because I have great respect for you), I have to ask: Why do you give them so much power? You can't control them, but you are letting them control you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 I am so sorry, what jerks! My ILs don't seem too bad now...but I find this story rather funny...I am over being mad. At our wedding, MIL got all her kids together (daughters were our flower girls) and had our wedding photgrapher take a family photo...She made sure it was just her family....Dh, MIL, FIL and DH's sisters...not me.... That photo hangs in their living room. About 10 years later they asked for a wedding picture of DH and me. We haven't "found" one yet. I have no intention of ever finding one. That's interesting. That wouldn't have bothered me at all. We had lots of photos just like that at our wedding. Dh with his brothers, sisters, and parents (not me--his family of origin), me with my sisters and mom and dad (who are divorced, so for me, it was a photo of our original family), another one with me, my sisters, dad and his new wife, etc. as well as photos with both dh and I in them with our families. So from my point of view, it's a normal thing she did. Maybe you could find a wedding photo for her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ohdanigirl Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 I'm so sorry you are going through this.:grouphug: My MIL hated me and made a point of showing it. She learned to deal with it once DH explained to her that it was my house, my rules, and if someone treated me wrong or I didn't like them I was in my right to throw them out and ask them never to return or contact us again. I think she got the hint, she started being much nicer after that. We even get along a lot better now, although it might be because BIL got married a few years back and SIL interesting to deal with. As for the rest of DH's family we make it a point to rarely see them. They were nice to my face on occasion, but had lots to say about me when I wasn't around. DH wasn't very happy when one of them made the mistake of bad mouthing me to my mother before they realized who she was. Also, we got tired of them always telling our kids they couldn't buy them birthday or xmas gifts due to lack of money, while our children watched the other kids in the family open up hundreds of $ in gifts from these same people. Insulting my childs intelligence was just too much. again sorry, but remember you have your dh, dc and lots of friends here. Don't let them burst that bubble. :grouphug: Danielle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mari Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 In all respect (because I have great respect for you), I have to ask: Why do you give them so much power? You can't control them, but you are letting them control you. Thank you, Suzanne! This is exactly what has me so puzzled by this thread. Life hands us so much to deal with why get caught up in that which you can't control? Love them for who they are and as the family who raised your wonderful husband. I understand Ria's feelings are hurt but SHE has the power to control her feelings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 I somehow think it's not exactly what they're doing, but the motive you're ascribing to them, which seems to be that this is further evidence that they don't care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mari Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 I somehow think it's not exactly what they're doing, but the motive you're ascribing to them, which seems to be that this is further evidence that they don't care. Yes, I get that this is what she's feeling but in reality, let's not forget what she said in the OP: "...I get a card. No check. It seems I ticked them off about 15 years ago and they want to make sure I don't forget that even though they might be nice to me to my face, I'll never be considered family. These are the same people who just flew our entire family down to Florida for a week, rented a van for us, rented a condo, and were genuinely nice to me. I felt like perhaps we'd made some progress. Guess not." Holy smokes, they just spent an arm and a leg on the ENTIRE family for what seems to have been a great vacation and she still wants MORE of a gesture?!?! Sounds like they considered her part of the family then, that's for sure! She further stated: ETA: This is not about the money, believe me. It's just about them making an effort to make sure I know their true feelings each year. Sigh. Sigh??? What more of a friendly gesture does she expect from them? How much more of an effort could she possibly want after they shelled out all that dough? I'm sorry, I just wouldn't expect anything else from them for myself or for any other member of my family. A card is MORE than enough for her and everyone else included in that trip when their birthdays come around, too. I just don't think she should expect anything more. Love them for who they are and nothing more. Be happy you got a card...seems like others on this thread may not even get that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CAMom Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 They've never liked me. When we got engaged MIL said to dh, "How can you do this to me?" Not a good beginning, eh? I understand.:grouphug: When dh and I got engaged, my mil said, "Mark my words! You will regret ever marrying that selfish b*t*h!" Joke's on her. We celebrate 20 years this summer and my dh adores me. My mil finally likes me but, some years I get a birthday gift and some years she'll make a statement. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kellycbr Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 It just got me thinking about my parents. Our family just wasn't into birthday celebrations. It was never a big deal in my family growing up. They love DH and my family, but they just don't think about it. My DH family is incredibly gracious and considerate, and I have to work hard to remember to send them all cards. Most of the time I forget. :001_huh: My parents show their affection and love in other ways, and have been very generous at times. Other times, they aren't. Its not personal, they're just busy with other stuff, and later, they'll be generous again. I'm grateful no matter what. My DH's family is more consistent in all the cards, etc. Its too much energy you're spending on this. Bad energy! It will make you sick! Time to focus on something else - like Spring!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ria Posted April 22, 2009 Author Share Posted April 22, 2009 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erica in PA Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 Yes, I get that this is what she's feeling but in reality, let's not forget what she said in the OP: "...I get a card. No check. It seems I ticked them off about 15 years ago and they want to make sure I don't forget that even though they might be nice to me to my face, I'll never be considered family. These are the same people who just flew our entire family down to Florida for a week, rented a van for us, rented a condo, and were genuinely nice to me. I felt like perhaps we'd made some progress. Guess not." Holy smokes, they just spent an arm and a leg on the ENTIRE family for what seems to have been a great vacation and she still wants MORE of a gesture?!?! Sounds like they considered her part of the family then, that's for sure! She further stated: ETA: This is not about the money, believe me. It's just about them making an effort to make sure I know their true feelings each year. Sigh. Sigh??? What more of a friendly gesture does she expect from them? How much more of an effort could she possibly want after they shelled out all that dough? I'm sorry, I just wouldn't expect anything else from them for myself or for any other member of my family. A card is MORE than enough for her and everyone else included in that trip when their birthdays come around, too. I just don't think she should expect anything more. Love them for who they are and nothing more. Be happy you got a card...seems like others on this thread may not even get that! Are you actually saying that you think Ria is being *ungrateful* for being upset about this? :confused: That is really hard to believe. For Ria it is obviously not about the $$$. She's not being greedy for more $$ to be spent. I find it hard to see how someone could even reach that conclusion! Her inlaws have *never* given her anything for her birthday, even though they send a check to every other person in her family, including their other *daughter-in-law* EVERY YEAR. Whether they have included her in another family activity this year and paid for it makes no difference whatsoever-- in fact, I think it makes it all the more a slap in the face when they single her out again to be the one who does not receive a birthday gift. I will bet you anything that the rest of her family *will* receive a gift when their birthdays come around, and that this has absolutely nothing to do with the trip they took. :grouphug: to you, Ria. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 But I think for Ria's health, she needs to attach no significance to it. Resign yourself to never receiving anything from them, and let everything nice be a surprise. Don't let it drain you. I understand it's upsetting you, but don't compare what others are getting to you; it's not coming to a good end. This is my advice to her, because she can't change their behavior -- only her own and her reaction to others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ria Posted April 22, 2009 Author Share Posted April 22, 2009 (edited) But I think for Ria's health, she needs to attach no significance to it. Resign yourself to never receiving anything from them, and let everything nice be a surprise. Don't let it drain you. I understand it's upsetting you, but don't compare what others are getting to you; it's not coming to a good end. This is my advice to her, because she can't change their behavior -- only her own and her reaction to others. You are right, of course, I shouldn't care. But I do. You see, I try hard to be a good daughter-in-law. I'm friendly, respectful, and kind. I want to have a good relationship with them! And they still don't like me....never have, never will, I guess. I never know when they'll snap and see offense in something I say or do. Their friendliness to me is not genuine; they finally realized that asking dh to "leave that woman at home" wasn't going to work, so now they include me. Dh read some of the critical comments in this thread this morning and laughed. He said, "They obviously don't know my family, do they?" He'll be the first to admit that his parents show more affection to their dog than they ever have shown to him. He's not kidding. His father (extremely wealthy) will throw money at people and consider that to be a relationship. Sure, it's great if you want money, but it's really sad for a child (my dh) who just wants his parents to show some interest in him, his family, and his life. Dh and I don't want their money, but that's all they are willing to give. Money, little contact, no relationship. Sure, we are grateful for the money, but what we really want is a for them to care, and they don't. I had really hoped that our visit with them two weeks ago marked some type of turning point. We didn't see them that often, but when we did they were nice. They even made small talk with me (after years of having them either ignore me or turn and walk away if I spoke, this is progress). Was I so wrong to hope? Most of the year I'm fine with them. We rarely see them (their choice...we invite, they decline). In the same week as my card arrived, other members of my family got the cards with the checks. My ILs are deliberate in their actions, and they wanted to send me a message. I did send them a lovely thank-you note. I'm grateful for our vacation, and I'm grateful that they were nice to me. But yes, unhealthy or not, a part of me will always be sad that we can't be friends. Ria Edited April 22, 2009 by Ria Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MBM Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 Was I so wrong to hope? Nope. It's good you do and says a lot about you. On the other hand, short of sitting down and discussing with your in-laws how you feel -- which might not help anyway -- there is probably little you can do except develop a perspective or philosophy to help you cope. I tell myself that my MIL's put-downs, lies, and behavior will help me develop patience. Avoidance and humor help, too! I also am going to tell my kids' future spouses to let me know if I'm treating them in a hurtful way. It's not easy. You have my sympathy, Ria. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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