I Thought This was a Safe Place

[joannqn]

I thought this was a safe place to talk about, get help with, and even brag about our advanced children...whether they are gifted or merely hard workers. I found this forum, not because I was looking for classic homeschooling info, but because I was looking for a place to understand and learn what to do with my daughter who somehow learned things in language arts that I had never taught her. It took me 3 years of homeschooling before I understood that she was not average or normal. I thought most kids read by kindergarten, if they were taught. I had no experience with other kids and their academics, except for one, and I was surprised that her preschool had not taught her to read. It wasn't until my daughter took an adaptive assessment test that tests all grade levels 3-12 with the same test and determines a grade level that I realized she needed more than 3rd grade work. Only, I didn't know what to do. So I came looking, found this place, and got great advise about curriculum. She's a much happier child now that I'm not "teaching" her what she already knows.

 

So, fast forward to last night...Someone from this forum followed the link in my signature to my blog where they found my post about my son being too wiggly and verbal (he thinks out loud) to do group testing. I found his testing behavior to be quite amusing. It made me laugh to watch him and shared my amusement on my blog with some of the things he said and did.

 

So I got this comment:

Your babylove is CLEARLY too gifted to associate with those other chair-bound children ;-)

 

It must be hard being the mother of so painfully intelligent children.

 

What is particularly ironic with this comment is that I don't necessarily think this child is gifted even though he is working above grade level. I do know that he is the hardest working child I know. He possesses a determination and persistence that I've never seen. I'm glad he does because he needed it when he was younger.

 

This child started out life with something not right. It took me over 2 years to convince his doctor, and even my husband, that something wasn't right. Eventual evaluations by the children's hospital confirmed it; he was almost two years delayed in several developmental areas. The primary problem was in communication which contributed to his inability to learn speech, cognitive skills, social skills, etc. He began therapy and went to special ed preschool as soon as he was three. He made little progress until we discovered he was lactose intolerant. Turns out that it is kind of hard to learn when your brain is severely undernourished by constant diarrhea caused by lactose intolerance. I fought with doctors for a 1 1/2 about that diarrhea. All the tests were negative, including the lactose intolerance one, so they thought there was nothing wrong with him; I couldn't get help in helping him.

 

Once we fixed the lactose problem, he finally started making progress and rather quickly. The problem, though, was that he gave up easily. If you couldn't understand something he said, he'd just tell you to "never mind". We'd always respond with, "No, we won't let you give up. What you say is important. We want to understand what you are saying so keep trying." Then we'd question him and help him describe what he was saying in other terms until we understood him. It was like playing 20 Questions all day, only it wasn't a game. So, in this way, he learned to keep trying, to not give up.

 

While he's caught up academically, he still has other ways in which to grow and learn. While he doesn't qualify for speech therapy through the schools anymore, he still has some speech areas that need improvement. He's socially awkward. He talks...constantly. He thinks out loud and explains everything that pops into his head to anyone in the room whether they are listening or not. He moves constantly, too. And he's somewhat fragile and hard on himself. Missing 1 or 2 spelling words, out of 10, makes him cry because he thinks he's a failure. It doesn't occur to him that he's already mastered his age level spelling. We have to constantly remind him where he's been and how far he's come and that missing one or two is still a "good grade". We've never told him that he's bad or stupid or anything else. He's picked this idea up somewhere else.

 

Is he ahead of grade level because he's gifted? Maybe. Is he ahead because he works hard and never gives up? Definitely. Does this mean we deserve this kind of mean-spirited, snide comment? No. My kids like to read my blog and see pictures of themselves doing projects or at various field trips. If he were to read this comment (he won't because I'm deleting it), he could easily take it to mean that working hard and pushing ahead is a bad thing. I don't see it that way. I'm proud of how far he's come.

 

Since someone here thinks it is ok to visit blogs and be mean, I've removed my blog link from my signature. I'll try not to say anything offensive but I can't guarantee I won't. I'm still learning what is normal, in both academics and behavior, at different ages. All I have to go by is my own children and, like I said, I thought what they did and how they act was normal.

[Melinda]

:grouphug:I'm not really sure what to say, but I'm sorry that happened to you. It makes me sad that someone felt insecure enough that they went and posted something hurtful on your blog.

 

I hope it doesn't happen again!:grouphug:

[Mandy in TN]

When you put your diary out there for the world to look at, you will come across people with stupid opinions who will make stupid comments. It goes with the territory.

 

:grouphug:

 

I wanted to add....sorry your feelings were hurt. :(

 

I wouldn't ponder on it too much. That person had a different opinion (and you know what they say about opinions). Unfortunately, she thought it was alright to share hers unsolicited on your blog. Blow a raspberry at it; delete it; forget it.

 

And another :grouphug: and sorry your feelings were hurt.

Mandy

[JenneinCA]

There is no safe public place to talk about advanced children. Not here. Not any other group. Not on a blog. And most definitely not in real life to other people with young children.

 

I feel your pain. I hope you find a safe place.

[nmoira]

I'm sorry this happened, but I wish I were surprised. As hard as it is, the best thing you can do is ignore it.

[WTMCassandra]

(((JoAnn))) I'm sorry this happened to you. I am the mother of two bright but very normal children. I learned early on what true giftedness meant when we became friends with a family who had a truly astonishing child. My hat is off to you folks for learning how to deal with it. And I'm not threatened at all by true giftedness--I think it's wonderful. I can still enjoy my children for who they are even if they are not of an uber-IQ or at Harvard by age 13 ; ). So, you may not be safe with everyone, but you are safe with me ; ).

[SunshineMom]

I am sorry you had to read such a jealous statement from a stranger who obviously has misunderstood what it means to have a gifted child. I have found from reading stories here and knowing my own children's journey that all of our children are unique and special in their 'giftedness." I hope you will continue to be of assistance to those of us still on the journey with you.

[Jen500]

:grouphug:

I'm sorry someone left a mean comment on your blog. I don't think you have ever come across as "my kid is better than other kids". I belong to a small, IRL group of parents of hs'ed gifted kids. It's a nice break from the public school and some hs'ers attitude that 2nd graders should be doing 2nd grade work, etc. Even the title of this subforum (accelerated learner forum) doesn't truly acknowledge the differences gifted kids go through vs. hard-working kids who are working ahead of grade level. I hope I don't sound like I don't appreciate the boards here-because I really do. And thank-you to all parents who have been willing to put themselves out there a bit and offer experiences and advice.

[SunshineMom]

There is enough room for all of our gifted children, no matter where they may fall within the range of giftedness. We are not competing on this site. The task at hand is to help our children develop moral characters which in turn shapes how they will contribute to the betterment of the world. So let us celebrate our children, encourage one another, and be thankful for the gift of teaching each other and our children!

[[email protected]]

All posters should remember that this is a public forum. The boards can be read by anyone with a web browser.

 

Even were the boards open only to registered users, we now have nearly nine thousand registered users. We cannot guarantee that all of those users are nice people. :(

 

Moderator

[elizabeth]

You are always extremely kind and informative. Unfortunately that is not the credo of all who read and post on these boards. I am sorry for the hurtful comments on your blog . That took mean to a new level. I enjoy your posts and candor very much indeed. Some days there is just a whole lotta mean going around . Peace to you and yours.

[Hillary in KS]

Most people here are wonderful. Don't let one idiot ruin your day.

 

Clearly they were intimidated by you and your children. :tongue_smilie:

[Mommy22alyns]

I'm sorry someone found it necessary to be mean and snarky. It seems like there is no truly safe place... and I don't even know if my girls are gifted or "merely" accelerated, but it's hard to speak freely anywhere. :grouphug:

[Mom2GirlsTX]

Just wanted to say I'm sorry this happened, and I wish I weren't surprised, but I'm not. Jealousy is hard for some people, I would simple erase the comment and forget about it. :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

Wow, what a horrible thing for someone to have done! I'm so sorry that happened to you, JoAnn, and I don't blame you for being upset.

 

I find it very creepy that someone went to your blog, seemingly with the sole intent of posting something hurtful.

 

It's going to be hard for you not to keep wondering who did it, and I'm sorry you felt you had to remove the link to your blog (although I'm sure I would have done exactly the same thing.)

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Cat

[Donna]

Hi, Joann.

 

Someone did this to me about a year ago...posted a negative comment on my blog. (Something to the effect of me treating my dd like a circus bear by taking her to different places to play with different musicians and share her music.) It bothered me for quite some time (since my dd begs me to take her to play) and made me less apt to discuss everything on my own blog. After I got over the initial shock I had to remind myself that there are people in the world like that and they clearly did not know me or my dd. It bothered me most that someone would take the time to go to my blog just to do that.

 

I have no idea if the negative poster came from this board or another. I don't remember that long ago where I shared my blog name but I don't share it anymore as a result.

 

As someone else said, there really are no "safe" places. unfortunately. So, when we do put ourselves out there, we need to be prepared to have thick skin, I guess.

 

:grouphug:

[Saille]

I've had it happen, too.

 

To be honest, if the commenter can't do better than snark, that's pretty telling in and of itself, isn't it? I don't think there's any need to take it seriously. Delete, just as you would if a spambot found you.

[Nan in Mass]

It is and it isn't a safe place. It is public, so from that point of view, it isn't. And we're all only human, so sometimes we don't do the right thing, and it isn't from that point of view, either. But we do try, most of us. I'm sorry you had to deal with a hurtful comment. Try not to let the little illwill outweigh the large amount of goodwill here, and stay long enough to feel the benefits, not just the disadvantages. I know it is hard. I'm always haunted by things like that long after the other person has forgotten the orginal even. Hugs.

[AnnetteB]

"Chair-bound" doesn't sound like something that a home educator would post. The Moderator makes an excellent point about how accessible forums are.

 

I'm new to blogging, but it is a little like inviting friends into your home and it must be shocking when someone posts in an unfriendly manner. We've looked at the Wordless Wednesday posts and then if I look at older posts or photos on the blogs I feel a little like I am "spying" or "peeking" in other rooms of someone's house. kwim? This little glimpse at someone else's family and school life doesn't give me permission to criticise and I wouldn't even want to.

[violin69]

:crying:I too am sooo sorry you had to suffer such insensitivity. Just as ds is doing a fantastic job of pushing forward, so are you!:thumbup: Keep doing what you're doing and let the comments roll off.

[joannqn]

Thank you for all of the support. I do try not to talk about what my kids' can do academically. I don't always succeed for several reasons. Like other parents, I'm proud of my kids and their accomplishments. It can be hard not to share.

[Catwoman]

Thank you for all of the support. I do try not to talk about what my kids' can do academically. I don't always succeed for several reasons. Like other parents, I'm proud of my kids and their accomplishments. It can be hard not to share.

 

There's no reason not to share your kids' achievements, JoAnn! You're proud of them, and you want to tell someone about it!

 

Realistically, this part of the forum is for those of us with accelerated learners; of course, anyone can visit and participate, but most of us are here because we have this particular thing in common. And I want to hear about your kids! I want you to let us know what they're doing! I want to be happy for you!

 

We all want to share our proud moments and happy news, yet a lot of us don't have many people that will understand or care. There's a big difference between posting something because you're excited about it, and bragging about your kids in a way that puts others down. I think most of the people here are sharing, not bragging.

 

So post away, and if one person doesn't like it, that's their problem, not yours!

 

Cat

[ciyates]

Wow I am so sorry that happened. I have to feel a deep pity for that person who did it though. To not have anything else to do but follow other people and post negative comments about them is sad. :grouphug:

[Peggy in Va]

:grouphug: I am so sorry that someone felt the need to post something so insensitive on your blog. If only everyone could/would follow the Golden Rule.

 

I have 3 dss, oldest one is gifted, but not as gifted as the middle one, and the youngest is just plain old smart. Sometimes I think plain old smart is easier, academically and emotionally.

 

Last year a ran across an article that I found while searching the Hoagies site. It had to do with gifted children vs "regular" kids and the main problem gifted kids face in schools. Specifically gifted kids that were not being challenged. This is not an exact quote but it was something along the lines of, "...the biggest problems gifted kids face in school is not boredom but not being challenged. Challenged in the sense that they are never put in a position of having/being allowed to fail and learning how to work through a problem. That if these kids are only allowed to succeed, they never learn how to work through a problem. And, when faced with one, they don't know how to handle it and often feel like a failure and risk becoming underachievers because it is easier than risking failure."

 

I don't know if that makes any sense or not. It did to me when I thought about my middle ds. But that's not the point I'm trying to make.

 

When I read your post, and the comments you made about your son, this article came to mind. All I could think was wow, how lucky he is and what a bright future he has. Not that he doesn't struggle, but that he is learning how to work through his struggles and how far this skill will take him in life. Someone who is gifted can conceive the most awesome "fill in the blank", but if they don't have the perseverance and wherewithal to pick themselves up when things don't go exactly as they had planned, it doesn't matter how great the concept is.

 

I hope you will take this with the intent that it is meant. Again, I am sorry that your feelings were hurt.

[Nestof3]

So, fast forward to last night...Someone from this forum followed the link in my signature to my blog where they found my post about my son being too wiggly and verbal (he thinks out loud) to do group testing. I found his testing behavior to be quite amusing. It made me laugh to watch him and shared my amusement on my blog with some of the things he said and did.

 

 

 

Disclaimer: I am not calling Ben gifted/accelerated, but I wanted to add:

 

My Ben is the same way. He didn't speak more than about 5 words until he was three. He stands up for most of math and language arts (anytime he's not snuggling me during reading time). He wiggles back and forth, humming or huffing syllables under his breath. He likes to count syllables by huffing them. He also talks to himself a lot.

 

School sometimes takes a long time because he is easily distracted -- today it was the wind.

 

Ben's the kind of boy a mama loves best, if you know what I mean.

 

I test my own boys each year because I don't want them having to sit there for that long taking a standardized test.

 

Why do people have to make snarky comments like that? :(

[Blessedfamily]

I am very careful about what I share for the same reasons. Sad, but true.

[Storm Bay]

:grouphug: I'm sorry you had to have such a bad experience. Others have covered most of what I would have said.

 

One other point is that people don't even agree as to what constitutes giftedness, so I wouldn't worry about it. It does hurt when you receive it--when I kept a blog I once had a nasty anonymous comment about my dc--but delete it and detach yourself from it, if you can.

[*********]

JoAnn, I'm so sorry. :grouphug: I get similar comments; however, my comments are from my mil, passed through my dh. Recently, she said 'That's great that Bethany can make Zee smarter than the other kids. But he needs to go to public school so he can have friends'. :001_huh: Really? Ugh. This is the same mil, mind you, who has never ONCE asked ONE question about homeschool or what other ativities we're involved in. Not ONCE. And I make a POINT of never having Zee 'brag' about how smart he is; he has a cousin that is just one week older than him. This cousin is in Kindergarten, and does not read yet. Zee started reading at 3. Zee simply does not CARE, and neither do I. My nephew is a sweet kid, and I never want to make him feel 'compared' to Zee. But, alas, the rest of the family does. Again, UGH.

 

I'm sorry other people don't understand that most homeschoolers just try to 'meet their children where they are', so to speak. Just know that there are plenty of moms here who DO understand. :grouphug:

[*********]

Thank you for all of the support. I do try not to talk about what my kids' can do academically. I don't always succeed for several reasons. Like other parents, I'm proud of my kids and their accomplishments. It can be hard not to share.

 

Also wanted to add that I totally agree with this. I mean, I should be able to tell grandma all the neat stuff Zee is learning. I should be able to brag that he can add two digit numbers in his head, or that he knows what a verb is, or that he can define 'hypocrite'. But I can't, and that stinks. But I never discourage Zee from sharing with anyone. We just explain that he might know stuff that other kids his age don't, and other kids may know stuff that he doesn't. But that we never make fun of anyone for any of that. And you know what he says? :001_huh: Never even crossed his mind to do that. Now if only all the adults could be that loving...

[2cents]

That's just really mean. Can you delete the post? I would delete it and try not to take it too seriously. My guess is that the person who posted it has some issues that they need to deal with. It is too bad they feel the need to be so hurtful. :(

[Mrs Ives]

What I actually tell my kids is that "Normal is for people who lack imagination." In real life we generally keep a low profile on the gifted thing because, well, of just what happened to you. There are entirely too many people that feel compelled to dump on anyone who isn't exactly like them. It comes from spending too much time in public school, where you're tormented mercilessly for any deviation from whatever freakish thing is currently considered fashionable. I still carry the scars from that wasteland and I'm truly grateful that my kids don't have to try to survive in that insane environment.

 

Your choices will mean a far superior life for your children. As time goes by the fruit of your choices will be reflected in your children and the results will speak for themselves. In the mean time...at least your kids don't have loser parents like some of those other kids. (I really must work on my social skills one of these days - grin!)

[rockermom]

What I actually tell my kids is that "Normal is for people who lack imagination." In real life we generally keep a low profile on the gifted thing because, well, of just what happened to you. There are entirely too many people that feel compelled to dump on anyone who isn't exactly like them. It comes from spending too much time in public school, where you're tormented mercilessly for any deviation from whatever freakish thing is currently considered fashionable. I still carry the scars from that wasteland and I'm truly grateful that my kids don't have to try to survive in that insane environment.

 

Your choices will mean a far superior life for your children. As time goes by the fruit of your choices will be reflected in your children and the results will speak for themselves. In the mean time...at least your kids don't have loser parents like some of those other kids. (I really must work on my social skills one of these days - grin!)

 

I guess I need to work on my social skills, too. I was thinking the same thing.

 

Idiots should be ignored.

[Storm Bay]

(I really must work on my social skills one of these days - grin!)

 

 

Isn't that a life long process ;)? I mean, some things, such as Algebra, might easily be picked up by reading a book, but social skills? Lots and lots of work.:D

[FrogMom5]

I love reading about the things all of your kids are doing. It's fun to hear their accomplishments, interests, etc. Even when my oldest was struggling to read, we loved hearing about 3 year-olds who were dragging their parents as they raced down the reading highway!

 

Besides, I've learned so much from you all. Some of the strategies and techniques you all use work for my son too (and he has learning disabilities).

 

I'm sorry this mean person said such nasty things to you. They appear to be a jealous bully. Please don't withdraw. Your son sounds like a wonderful child. Let us all rejoice in his accomplishments with you!

Denise

[Jill]

"Your babylove is CLEARLY too gifted to associate with those other chair-bound children ;-)

It must be hard being the mother of so painfully intelligent children."

 

Here's my big eyeroll and "what_EVER_!" to the person who wrote that::001_rolleyes:

I also think you should treat that comment like the SPAM it is and delete it. (or how high is your sarcasm temp? you could respond, "Why yes, yes it is so painful. Thank you for understanding! We do try to limit our contact with natives... being from Neptune/Mars/AlphaCentauri is so awkward sometimes.") I run into many families with wiggly kids who learn their lessons just fine while upside down hanging off chairs and bouncing around the room, accelerated or not. So again, a big eyeroll to any who feel they have to comment on it instead of giving us the benefit of the doubt that maybe it's something they won't understand and could they just move on please? There are plenty of situations where the downside of being wiggly really limits ds's opportunities at this age but with growth and patience and love, I think we can still turn out a decent and polite human being.

[rockermom]

"Your babylove is CLEARLY too gifted to associate with those other chair-bound children ;-)

It must be hard being the mother of so painfully intelligent children."

 

Here's my big eyeroll and "what_EVER_!" to the person who wrote that::001_rolleyes:

I also think you should treat that comment like the SPAM it is and delete it. (or how high is your sarcasm temp? you could respond, "Why yes, yes it is so painful. Thank you for understanding! We do try to limit our contact with natives... being from Neptune/Mars/AlphaCentauri is so awkward sometimes.") I run into many families with wiggly kids who learn their lessons just fine while upside down hanging off chairs and bouncing around the room, accelerated or not. So again, a big eyeroll to any who feel they have to comment on it instead of giving us the benefit of the doubt that maybe it's something they won't understand and could they just move on please? There are plenty of situations where the downside of being wiggly really limits ds's opportunities at this age but with growth and patience and love, I think we can still turn out a decent and polite human being.

:lol: That was priceless.

[Storm Bay]

I run into many families with wiggly kids who learn their lessons just fine while upside down hanging off chairs and bouncing around the room, accelerated or not.

 

 

Like two of mine. My 10 yo finally sits at the table to do much of her work, but she did it upside down, etc. And my ds does all kinds of gymnastics during math at said table. And, actually, we did have to separate ourselves for awhile because sometimes my kids were too active and really did disrupt the group (when they were 5 & 3).

[cathmom]

Somebody did this to me too recently. It hurts. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

 

:grouphug:

[christine in al]

:grouphug:

~c.